What Do You Want Out of Life?: A Philosophical Guide to Figuring Out What Matters

by Valerie Tiberius

A short guide to living well by understanding better what you really value―and what to do when your goals conflict

What do you want out of life? To make a lot of money―or work for justice? To run marathons―or sing in a choir? To have children―or travel the world? The things we care about in life―family, friendship, leisure activities, work, our moral ideals―often conflict, preventing us from doing what matters most to us. Even worse, we don’t always know what we really want, or how to define success. Blending personal stories, philosophy, and psychology, this insightful and entertaining book offers invaluable advice about living well by understanding your values and resolving the conflicts that frustrate their fulfillment.

Valerie Tiberius introduces you to a way of thinking about your goals that enables you to reflect on them effectively throughout your life. She illustrates her approach with vivid examples, many of which are drawn from her own life, ranging from the silly to the serious, from shopping to navigating prejudice. Throughout, the book emphasizes the importance of interconnectedness, reminding us of the profound influence other people have on our lives, our goals, and how we should pursue them. At the same time, the book offers strategies for coping with obstacles to realizing your goals, including gender bias and other kinds of discrimination.

Whether you are changing jobs, rethinking your priorities, or reconsidering your whole life path, What Do You Want Out of Life? is an essential guide to helping you understand what really matters to you and how you can thoughtfully pursue it.

Genres: Philosophy, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Personal Development, Mental Health

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2023

Reviews

[BJ · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very practical guide for identifying and thinking about your values and what it means to live in accordance to them. I especially like that the author goes to a great deal of trouble to keep the material divorced from any established religious or ethical systems, and focuses instead on the importance of the reader's personal values.

As someone who studied philosophy, however, I'm not sure I am the target audience. This may be why I personally did not get much out of it. If I had encountered a book like this as a high school senior or college freshman, I would have likely found it more compelling.

Considering the above, I still may have given four stars, but settled on three because I feel that the book is lacking in inspiration. It strongly needs more poetry, more heart, or more personal anecdote to better engage the reader.

[Robert Mcweeny · Rating 1 out of 5]

I will quote briefly from the books preface: " Ancient philosophy had some good stuff,"philosophy.....was written by white men ...""many of the issues.....are tied up in some way with sexism and bias."If this is your view of philosophy you may find value in exhortations to be a good progressive. Someone not obsessed with politics will find banal nonsense.

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Uncertainty about what matters to you makes it hard to move forward. If you don't really know what you want, it's hard to know how to get it.
     This conflict from my life is fairly ordinary. It has never been life or death; it's not an existential crisis that drove me to drugs or caused major depression. Also, while the details are particular to me, the broad outline—a conflict between incompatible goals that drives people to wonder what they're doing with their lives—is not uncommon at all."

This is not a self-help book on how to set and/or achieve goals. It's a guide on how to use the tools of philosophy to realize what your values are, and that, in turn, will help you decide on and prioritize goals so as to lessen conflicts between them. Because it's philosophy, there's not a one-size-fits-all checklist of actions to take, or advice that pretends to be universal because it happened to work for an author. Tiberius is upfront in chapter 1 that the best philosophy can do is identify the problem, articulate a general solution, and point out numerous ways to get there. The specific details will be different for different people. This book is more general, and therefore, more abstract than the typical self-help volume.

It's also written in a more academic style, meaning not a lot of repetition, no end of chapter bulleted lists of main points covered, and example stories (outside of the author's personal experience) that are common to self-help books. There are plenty of anecdotes in the form of trivial examples, a tool often used in philosophy to illustrate concepts. "But sometimes a trivial example can help us see something clearly by reducing all the noise created by a real example." She defines terms right at the start, so you know exactly what she means when she discusses "values," "goals," and "conflict" throughout the rest of the book. She also lays out her case for the importance of goals and dealing with any conflict between our goals, as opposed to defining which goals should be important for everyone, or giving one path to achieving those goals. If you're brand new to philosophy, or you're expecting a self-help manual, this may be more abstract or broad than what you're looking for.

Most of us think we know our goals and values, but once we start to examine them, we may discover that we only have a vague idea of what success looks like, say, or that how we define success won't allow us to achieve that in both work and parenting. Tiberius explains some basic strategies for understanding our values, and tools to use when dealing with conflicts. I found this a thought-provoking and helpful philosophical exercise.

[Andy]

DNF. Talks about Flow and other established good stuff. Format didn't grab me.

[Eve Schaub · Rating 4 out of 5]

How can we find happiness and fulfillment when as human beings we all want LOTS of things- all at once!?! And sometimes those things we want are in direct oppopsition to one another!

Tiberius is clear and concise as she leads the reader through an understanding of breaking down how we can assess our goals and values, what to do when they conflict, and different ways we can measure success. In particular I appreciated her use of real-world, relatable examples, and her discussion of how we can modify what "meeting our goal" looks like to make it more achievable and in harmony with our lives/ other goals.

Very pleasurable to read, and an absence of jargon- feels like discussing philosophy with a particularly insightful friend.

[Erhardt Graeff · Rating 2 out of 5]

I stopped reading this book. I thought it was going to be a nice blend of self-help genre and philosophical synthesis. But the early discussion of what values were and why they were important was too basic for me and didn't offer any helpful new insights about the role of values in one's life. Most importantly, I didn't get a signal in those early chapters that any of that was on its way while I was stuck in the tedium.

[Julia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gonna have to give up on this one because I am halfway through and have retained zero. Somehow simultaneously too academic and too broad to be interesting. And it’s a shame because WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE?!!!! I WANT TO KNOW

[Vic · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very much for the philosophically inclined. An enjoyable, introspective read for anyone interested in the intersection between values and goals, and ethics and morality.

[Terri Mead · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading a philosophy book written by a woman philosopher. I do believe it is important to have a woman examine and speak to the issues that affect and impact how we choose to live our lives.

This book has prompted a fair bit of thought about my own values and goals as described by the author which had prompted a number of conversations with my husband about finding ways to make better decisions, live more in alignment with my values, reduce conflict, and seek harmony.

I picked up this book to discuss with my son who recently graduated from college with a philosophy degree and is struggling. I hope that he will read it so that he can define his own values and goals and work toward reducing the internal conflict that I believe is getting in his way.

This is an easy read and is full of thought provoking topics.

[Nadhira Satria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really like this quick, interesting, philosophical and very introspective book. Thank you to my doctor for getting this for me, I really enjoyed it.

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The main obstacles to living well for most of the world's population come from external sources, not from inner conflict. Injustice, poverty, oppression, inadequate healthcare, unfair labor practices and so on are enormous obstacles to living well.

Basic responses to conflict:
Prioritize and adjust means to an end.
Give up one of the conflicting goals.
Reinterpret our values.

There is no place to start except with what matters to us.

Understand and improve your values and goals:
Introspection
Guided reflection
Learning from others
Exploration

There may be hope that someone will throw you a rope, but someone must be holding ant other end and you have to decide to grab on.

Make peace with what you cannot change.

[Barb · Rating 3 out of 5]

A nice thought-provoking book which encourages the reader to look into themselves, their personal values, and to set goals according to them. It differs from other 'self-help' books as the author gives useful prompts so you can contemplate what matters to you and how you should go about achieving it within your own personal limits. She also acknowledges that life is a perpetual process and you don't simply figure it all out in the end; I think that's something we all deserve to hear. It was a bit difficult to read, the writing style didn't work for me, but that's probably due to my inexperience with philosophical literature.

[The Millennial Reader]

Sorry this book was not helpful to figure out what I want in life. In fact it made the figuring out more complicated. The author loves to talk and talk and go deep and be philosophical.
It might help someone but just wasn’t for me. I wish it was more like tips and not just long pages of very less paragraph after paragraph descriptions. It’s a little boring for me.

[Diệu Hương · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quyển này nhiều thông tin dữ luôn á, đọc xong vẫn hơi ngơ ngác, sẽ cố gắng từ từ nghiền ngẫm lại, btw, trong quyển này để cập tới kha khá vấn đề mà mình quan tâm như bình đẳng giới, diệt chủng, tất nhiên là không bàn sâu hay liên quan đến chính trị mà chủ yếu là các ví dụ để mình xác định giá trị quan của bản thân. Nói chung mình nghĩ đây là một quyển sách khá hay và mình sẽ còn đọc lại nhiều.

[Kim Lennon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Considering the title, this book was a lot of waffle and no advice or anything useful to go by. It is very much a philosophical book, rather than a self help or information book, so others may enjoy it if you like that kind of thing. But if you are looking for guidance...this is not the book!

[Aziza · Rating 3 out of 5]

What Do You Want Out of Life?: A Philosophical Guide to Figuring Out What Matters - Valerie Tiberius (Princeton University Press)

"The sophisticated human brain that gives rise to the problem also provides the solution by giving us the flexibility to refine our values and to reinterpret what it means to succeed in terms of what really matters."

What do you want out of life? by Valerie Tiberius is an accessible and lightweight introduction to moral philosophy, that is, in my opinion, well-suited to adults and younger readers alike.

The book addresses many important issues related to morality from a perspective of personal growth and helps us reflect on questions such as:
• How does one determine what matters or what should matter most in one's life?
• How to make sure our goals align with our values?
• What types of conflicts emerge in the presence of a potential overlap?
• And how to address and manage such conflicts?

Tiberius divides these conflicts into three main types:
1. Within-goal conflict,
2. Intergoal conflict, and
3. Conflict with our environment.

And suggests three basic possible responses to these conflicts:
1. Prioritizing and adjusting means to ends,
2. "Giving up" one of the conflicting goals,
3. Reinterpreting our values.

This approach may seem individualistic to some readers. However, Tiberius highlights the importance of community and relationships in our goal fulfillment journey, the impact other people can have on our lives as well as the impact of our values and belief systems on other people's lives.

"We might hope that someone will throw us a rope. But there are two problems with ropes: someone has to be holding the other end, and you have to decide to grab hold."

[Chris Leuchtenburg · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have to admit that I approached this book with deep skepticism that thinking could lead me to the Good Life. But this isn't a What Color Is My Parachute type of book. Instead, it tries to articulate ways to deal with conflicting values and goals.

Although I did roll my eyes at some of the common sense advice to reinterpret or modify my goals to suit my "ultimate values." But the book did encourage me to focus on and come to peace with an area of my life in which I know that my values conflict: my craving for novelty versus aversion to risk.

It also elevated my value of being polite and nice to other people, which I had devalued as just good manners rather than a worthy objective. How many biographies or autobiographies have you read in which the person declares their commitment to being nice? Not exactly competition to Mother Teresa, but still worthy of consideration and recognition of how this might undermine other objectives.

The book also supported my recent realization that some of my dissatisfaction is the result of reasonable decisions that I have made rather than some failing in my attempts. Just a predictable result of my conflicting values/goals.

Finally, I greatly appreciated the clear thinking and concise writing. And it is short, always a good thing in a book of this kind. In fact, I abbreviated it further, because I had skimmed much of the second half of the book, which deals more directly with moral philosophy and the interactions between the individual and society.

[Erik Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book argues that if you live in line with your values, or if you reach the goals that express those values, you will feel fulfilled. The author draws a helpful distinction between goals and values. Goals are things we aim for, but values are different—they are the kinds of goals we care about for their own sake. They aren’t just a means to something else and they aren’t usually the source of our internal conflicts. Big portion of this book is about goal conflicts - too big, that is why it is 4 stars not 5.

A good life, the author argues, is not hedonistic but more about developing your potential by being virtuous, using reason, building skills, and nurturing relationships - we succeed when we succeed in living our values. In social psychology this is “value fulfillment theory” which I think may be right. The author pushes back against the existentialist idea that our goals can be anything we choose. She argues that our goals are not wide open—they’re shaped and limited by the kind of creatures we are. Our goals come from what we’re capable of wanting, given our human psychology, our biology, and what we can currently imagine. In other words, we can’t simply invent any goal and expect it to feel meaningful. Our wants are bounded by the structure of the mind itself. So values are a better guide.

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author provides a novel and valuable perspective on life. The writing itself was accessible and enjoyable to read, which shows that the author was genuine about reaching her audience and not just publishing a book out of vanity or careerism (a rare occurrence for academics). I’m selective about life advice but this was pretty compelling. I was most impressed on her take on the limitations radical choice when it comes to our values, it’s a realistic take on life that I imagine many old school philosophers struggle with.

I highly recommend to anyone. You’ll have a lot to think about for a good long while.

Some of the reviews seem to come from people who didn’t pick up the book in good faith, I would be skeptical.

[Hazal Mestci · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book delves into the fundamental question of life's purpose and helps us navigate through philosophical concepts to discover our values and aspirations. I loved the way she explained goal setting, modifications, how it plays into the bigger picture of the way society works, etc. Quick and simple.

She also provides insights from various philosophical perspectives and offers practical guidance on how to identify and pursue what truly matters to you so it's essentially a roadmap for inspirational self-discovery.

Maybe a bit superficial for someone deep into philosophy and self-help, but great for beginners.

[Maddie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Did it resolve my existential dread? Actually, a little bit. I loved the concept of values vs. goals and finding the meaning of a life in the conflict between values vs. goals and how you resolve that conflict. I even took notes at the beginning. But it lost me in the second half trying to expand the concept to a more global scale. I preferred the focus on an individual level and struggled comparing my personal values vs. goals to a global scale. It was very fun to deliberate on and definitely has helped expand my mind to the possibilities of what life can be.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book gave me insight into my own values and how I use them to navigate life. I appreciated that it was written with a female’s perspective and dove into the complexities of how unconscious bias may impact your values. Although it was great food for thought, I was left feeling a bit unsatisfied at the end. Not sure if it was the narrator on the audiobook or if the storytelling was not as compelling in connecting the dots for the layman. Either way, it made me want to further explore philosophy, question my values and reframe, so I’d say that was a success.

[Jasmine · Rating 2 out of 5]

this book has been very hard for me because i didn't like the format. i couldn't get into the flow and the content but i see myself applying some the ideas and questioning different parts of my life and thoughts because of this book. so, im in a weird void over whether i like it or not.

i believe overall i did not enjoy reading this book. it was far too wordy and could've been significantly shorter. i did enjoy the discussion and points the book makes, but i wish it was told a different way.

this is a true 2 stars for me

[Dennis Ong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wanted to read a non-fiction book for November 2024 and chanced upon this in a bookstore in Beijing.

This book is about how we make choices and resolve internal conflicts, informed by what we are like psychologically, by our circumstances, and by what we take to matter.

The solution to the human problem is to figure out what really matters and find ways to live up to those values in life.

The sophisticated human brain provides us flexibility to refine our values and to reinterpret what it means to succeed in terms of what really matters.

We have to plant what will grow where we live.

[Kate Sitarz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun to see the insecure, small men who couldn’t handle the fact that Tiberius touches on the impacts of sexism and therefore use their “power” to rate this book poorly 😂

Appreciated a fresh, modern philosophical take on these ideas. While it certainly can come across as simple, communicating these ideas in an easy-to-understand way is certainly far from simple. Gave me new ways to think about and approach the ongoing process of defining, prioritizing, and deconflicting values.

[Sharron · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had great timing coming out when I had these questions!! It was really interesting reading it just after another book that discussed flow.

While this is not a typical philosophy book (no mention of Kant until p 133!), it is short, but I didn't find it to be a quick read. I did have to think and process a lot as I was reading (I do not get into flow while reading - and really need to find something).

The very end of chapter 7 and chapter 8 were the most helpful.

[Becky Ginther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely one of the books I read in 2023 that had me thinking the most. I've been asking myself this question a lot lately, and while there are parts of the book that I think could be improved, overall it was a really great perspective and start to thinking about this topic. I listened to it on audiobook and loved it enough to buy the physical copy so I can re-read it. I'll give a more detailed review after the next read!

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderfully accessible exploration of value fulfillment from esteemed contemporary philosopher. Tiberius and unpacks how value choices guide how we live our life and presents readers with various philosophical traditions that have taken up this question. It emerges, too, that women feel particular pressures in exploring these issues, which Tiberius helpfully glosses through her own experience. A quick read that would be useful in a humanities class.

[Jess Firlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

my library loan ran out and I had to wait for this book a second time on Libby, so it forced me to read this in two halves which wasn't the worst as it allowed me to process everything slower than I normally would have.

this has a lot of references to philosophy and ways of thinking so it's a great beginner book to get the process started, but unfortunately doesn't provide all of the answers to life and everything (other than 42 that is)

[Todd Fowler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thought-provoking and interesting read. Something I wish I could have read when I was a teenager or even college student and had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do with my life. Aligning your goals with your values seems to obvious. But, as she discusses, it can also be hard when conflicts arise.