How to Hold a Cockroach: A Book for Those Who Are Free and Don’t Know It

by Matthew Maxwell

When a heartbroken and miserable boy is confronted by a loathsome visitor at his dinner table, he is forced to consider some of Life's most slippery questions: How do we tell the difference between the sacred and the abhorrent? How can we be at peace in the face of a shattered heart, a bruised childhood, a numbing medical diagnosis, and other challenging circumstances? What decides how we experience our life?

Here, Matthew Maxwell offers us the possibility of ultimate freedom - that our entire human experience is determined not by the "facts" of the stories we tell ourselves, but by the meaning we choose to make of those stories. It's a truth both astounding and powerful in its simplicity, and Maxwell skillfully builds a window through which readers of all ages can observe its emergence as they watch his protagonist's seemingly pitiful day unfold.

How to Hold a Cockroach is Maxwell's delightful and moving love letter to humankind. A quick, compelling read, it is indeed a book for those who are free and don't know it. . . yet.

Genres: Audiobook, Self Help, Nonfiction, Philosophy, Psychology, Mental Health, Spirituality

Audible Audio

Published October 1, 2021

About the author

Matthew Maxwell is a writer, speaker, life coach, and meditation teacher devoted to personal fulfillment, interpersonal connection, and caring for the earth. He is the founder of Hearthstone Coaching, helping individuals and organizations clarify and create what matters most to them.

Outside of work, Matt enjoys meditating, hiking, making new friends, and adventuring outside of his comfort zone. Learn more about his journey at HowtoHoldaCockroach.com.

Reviews

[Rowan]

Do you ever read a book and think ‘wow my ex would have thought this was really deep’ (derogatory)

[Stephanie]

Perception is Reality

This one surprised me. How to Hold a Cockroach is simple, short, and a little odd; however, the message is loud and clear. The cockroach is not just a bug in this story; it is an analogy for the things we are taught to fear and how easily our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are shaped by perception.

“Scared for not what things are, but for what we are made to believe”

A little basic, but thoughtful and a great reminder to challenge what we have been taught to fear and avoid. Sorry, but I still do not like cockroaches and I do not think that will ever change!

“Go away cockroach - leave me alone🪳!”

[Zoulfa Katouh]

idk maybe i cried

[دُعاء| Duaa]

This book lit something within me I didn’t realize had gone dim :)

It reminded me that happiness isn’t hidden in big achievements but in the quiet moments we usually rush past. It’s about meeting ordinary days with curiosity instead of expectations and compassion instead of pressure

Somewhere along the way growing up taught us to measure our worth by milestones and deadlines. We became so focused on reaching the next destination that we forgot the beauty of simply wandering through the journey :)

This book gently brings you back to that childlike wonder
✨to noticing, questioning, and finding joy in the smallest things ✨
Because a curious mind is rarely a lonely or bored one. It turns everyday life into an endless adventure

Maybe that’s why curiosity feels so magical 🔆

[Fayrooz]

The audiobook is a whole other world and experience. Truely inspiring.

[Britni Saladin]

i know for a fact a cockroach wrote this book

[Sophia Hamandi]

this book is so unbelievably repetitive. it’s got a sweet but simple message that could be well done but every chapter was the exact same just with one or two words different and it was too much

[Chloe Davis]

the audiobook experience was truly something else. this struck quite a few cords with me and by the end i was deeply emotional. it felt like a kids book written for adults (in the best way), and just such a huge reminder that perspective is everything. that the stories we tell ourselves time and time again aren’t necessarily the truth, or they don’t have to be. especially when we shape our perspectives and beliefs around negative experiences or things that have been said to us. to question these beliefs and perspectives. to look outward and also inward with childlike joy and wonder, to be kinder and to love more freely. i feel like i could ramble about this for a while, maybe it wasn’t that deep but it felt deep to me lol. i think i’ll come back to this time and time again.

[Twinkletoes]

I finally got to read this book thanks to hoopla! I really think this book is special. It holds a very special place in my heart and mind.

There are so many things both big and small, hard and easy, scary and exciting that life throws at us from the time we are born until the day we finally take our last breath that we as human beings don't always understand. They can be both upsetting and marvelous. It depends on how you look at it. In other words, how one holds the information.

To me, I feel like life throws things at us for a reason and sometimes those reasons we can't understand but other times we understand completely. Looking on the bright side of the things can be extremely difficult at times but really a person should or shouldn't, that's up to you!

Life is short and it's not always a handful of daisy's, it could be cockroaches😉 but that doesn't mean it's truly bad, it just depends on what you take from life's experiences. What you take from it all and what you leave in it's wake.

Stay positive my friends and look at the world in a better lens than you did the day before.

[Bird Barnes]

Audio.

What did the library recommend to me? I like the message of the story about reframing our mindset from what we’ve known and established as fact. Repetitive though. Kind of felt like someone high on drugs going on about change and finding light and meaning.

The epilogue really cemented that new-age youth minister feel though…as well as the sound design, what is this traveling into a new dawn music?

Good message but culty creep chic.

[Nghi]

There are some books that are meant for specific periods in your life. This is one of them for where I am in my life. I didn’t even choose this book. My book club did. The book provided answers to the incessant questions that have overwhelmed me for the past months.

[Luzie]

A wonderfully meditative exploration of where our beliefs come from, how they influence you and how to free yourself from the suffering they cause. It definitely left me thinking about what my personal cockroaches are.

[Mohit]

I truly am not sure why this book is so highly rated. To me it was not just too basic but also a drain on money. Just half a page of Gita could have brought more wisdom to any one reading it. Skip.

[Ruth]

Possibly the worst book I’ve ever read. This is not a book for adults as it claims, it’s incredibly dull and repetitive and talks of themes most people tackle at 10 years old. And then a little miracle happened - I realised I could stop reading. I actually pushed through cuz it was so short but there was no redemption at the end. Do not recommend.

[Sheena P]

I still won't hold a cockroach myself but this is a very good reminder about what things we need to give a sh*t about. It's easy to understand but will take a lot of practice to execute. It's a very short read but I chose to read a few pages a day to savor the lessons.

[Leah Boyle]

The cool thing about libraries is you can barrow a random book that could end up changing your perspective on life. If you have a hour to spare, this audiobook is so incredible and the story challenges you to identify cognitive distortions and leaned beliefs in a very simple way. I think I’m going to try to read this once a year to keep up with my own stories and how they affect me. 100000/10

[Magda]

Cheesy but simple and sweet, i teared up to the audiobook doing laundry 😭

Good reminder about how perceptions form our realities. Good reminder to also look at things with compassion and curiosity - choosing how go hold them.
Audiobook’s snippets to the past feel like the scene from ratatouille when the food critic tries the dish and has the flashback to being a young boy😭

[Isabel]

i have mixed feelings about this— half of me feels it was a little pretentious and shallowly deep, but the other half thinks it’s kinda sweet to hear someone else’s perspective on the human experience. it’s a little repetitive, but sometimes repetition is what helps. i would recommend you listen to the audiobook like i did, the music is quite magical.

[Chloe]

perfect little book to make you change your mindset on life & situations we’re faced with. I’m a huge fan of life & this reminded me of that.

[Hannah Miles]

includes some really great parables/reminders for life. still not holding a cockroach though.

[Joshua Glasgow]

I listened to this as an audiobook, which may not have been the best way to interact with this title. I chose it because the audiobook was just over an hour long, which seemed perfect for me as I’ve struggled completing audiobooks since starting a new telework-only job in November and therefore having less time to listen, since I previously did most of my audiobook consumption while driving to and from work. What I did not realize when I chose the audiobook is that this is a picture book. The Goodreads summary indicates that it is “An Inspirational Tale with 42 Beautiful Illustrations”. I saw none of these, so I’m likely missing a good part of whatever gives the book its power to those who rated it more highly than I. Nevertheless, I did experience the narrative and my opinion of that is… yeesh.

It quickly became apparent to me that this book is in the same vein as THE BOY, THE MOLE, THE FOX AND THE HORSE, which I similarly disliked and gave 2 stars on Goodreads. That is to say, it’s treacly, “inspirational” bunk offering a naïve and simplistic worldview that feels enlightened but which is actually incredibly lightweight. The main thesis of this one is that whatever frustrations you experience can be obviated by choosing to view the problem in a different light. The story begins with a “boy” (an adult man, actually, but referred to as a “boy” throughout because of the book’s paternalistic tack) eating dinner and sighting a cockroach crawling on his table. He is at first disgusted, but then “a little miracle happened” and he suddenly decides to forget all of his presuppositions and prejudices against cockroaches and to ask “What are you, really?” He looks at the cockroach with new eyes, as he might have when he was a child, and decides that all of the evidence he has observed over the years that cockroaches are filthy, ugly creatures was in fact a “made-up” story he was telling himself. He overcomes his negative emotions toward cockroaches and is thereafter able to hold it in his hand without squirming.

Each of the following chapters follows this exact same template, right down to the words. Those things I quoted above – “a little miracle happened”, “What are you, really?”, the comment that he had seen evidence over the years that his beliefs were true and this had led him to forget that the story he was telling himself was “made-up”—all of it is presented exactly the same, over and over and over again. Only the topic changes. Instead of being about cockroaches, it’s about love (a girlfriend left him and he feels angry toward her and decides love will inevitably lead to heartbreak), the future (he anticipates it will only be bad), traffic (he finds it obnoxious), etc. Each time, the exact same sequence of events. He’s irritated/upset, then “a little miracle happened” and he realizes that despite the evidence he’s observed over the years that love/the future/traffic/whatever is bad, this is just a “made-up” story and he can choose to view those things through a more positive lens. So, although the book is short, it’s also gratingly repetitive. I suppose the book would claim my response to its mind-numbing repetitiveness is itself a “made-up” story that I could choose not to believe if I so wished. I don’t agree.

The one that got my goat the most was the chapter on the past. The “boy” thinks of the past with shame and resentment, both for things he’s said or done which he feels guilt about now and for actions taken by others which he remains upset about. In particular, he references an incident when his father shoved him to the ground. But then “a little miracle” happened, he asked of the past “What are you, really?” and he realizes that the memories he has of the past are a “made-up” story he’s been telling himself. He thinks that his memories aren’t actually true and that he should essentially be more forgiving. WHAT? I just—I strongly reject the seeming lesson that your memories aren’t real, that maybe what you’re so upset about isn’t that big a deal after all, and that the father who shoved the boy to the ground should just get a free pass without any accountability. This seems like a terrible lesson. Maybe it works if this is just about, like, trying to salvage your own mental health. But as a genuine approach to problems in the world, it’s facile.

Notably, the book doesn’t take on any concrete problems, preferring instead to stay in the abstract. It doesn’t address civil rights abuses, racism, war, etc. Would its advice be to just force yourself to cheer up in response to these heavy topics? To consider that maybe you’re wrong and that racism isn’t that bad? I mean, I guess I like the concept of trying to look for different ways to frame things to help get past anger or fear you’re feeling, but it’s obviously not a one-size-fits-all solution. Sometimes the evidence that things are bad is accurate! At no point does the author/narrator explain why the “boy” should reject the evidence he’s observed over the years that such-and-such is bad. He just dismisses the evidence on the basis that actually the story he’s told himself is “made-up”, and everything’s suddenly better for him.

One aspect of the audiobook worth mentioning is that it includes a number of sound effects. Each time that “a little miracle happened”, there is a deep ringing sound to suggest an epiphany. The sound effects are particularly effective in the chapter on death. In this one, the “boy” is told by his doctor that he has a terminal illness and just a few months to live!! The sound of a ticking clock can be heard in the background as he spirals with fear and anger at what’s he’s been told. Then, BOOOONNNNNGGGG, he realizes that some cultures embrace death and his belief that death is bad is a construct he’s made-up in his mind and yada-yada-yada suddenly he’s fine with it. I have such mixed feelings about this chapter because the performer, the sound effects, and even the words (despite still being still repetitive) all work together to make this chapter especially sobering. But then it just kind of… ends. It doesn’t provide a satisfying conclusion, it isn’t persuasive.

A lot of people loved THE BOY, THE MOLE, THE FOX AND THE HORSE, and I get the sense from the Goodreads ratings – which are 75% 4- or 5-stars – that people are fawning over this one, too. But it’s so trite and so limply written! I just don’t get people sometimes, I swear. HOW TO HOLD A COCKROACH was fairly short, so it has that going for it, but that’s about it.

[Keiralika]

Silly little cockroaches, there's no need for explanation, but I don't like to see any single cockroach when I'm eating. Maybe because I know it holds so much bacteria, it's hygiene, and nothing has to do with aesthetics. Because a place where they habit is a dirty place, so it's like a sign, but I find them often in my house. Maybe my house is dirty after all, it's been here for ages perhaps since Zaman Belanda (pre-independence). There's no chance for me to hold them, to feel one on my hand, no, it's beyond my intention. I would gladly throw my clothes off when a cockroach is crawling under, absolutely.

It's surprisingly a fun journey for me to read this book, as someone who's not happy with a cockroach. I'm wondering though, do I hate the cockroach? Of course it's not the case, it's not like I want to kill every each of them, I just prefer to not having them on my sight. And in case they're hygienic creatures, I'd love to let them crawl on my skin just like how I let spiders and ants crawl on me. I'm purely logical on this occasion. I was sad when I was reading this book, and I felt relieved when I was finishing it. Maybe a part of me felt bad about the boy, and the other felt bad about the cockroach. Maybe I realized I should’ve felt bad about myself.

[Naba!!]

I feel like this is a book for ppl who don’t contemplate life and everything about it on their own cause nothing about it was that new but ig if you don’t do any of that thinking on your own it would assist there…

[Michelle]

I was drawn in by the poetic format of this book: a template of rediscovery coupled with a compelling story arc. And the way the author invites us to deconstruct our world and approach it with curiosity is so important! However, wrapping up the rediscovery in a "We are the Creators of our own World" bow is the epitome of Postmodern Hedonism. Frankly this belief is a dangerous one.

How can we tell those living, for example, with chronic pain, multiple miscarriages, or inescapable poverty that life is "not simply good or bad, but what we believe it to be" and that that belief alone is standing in our way of "our deepest desires?" Would we even want our deepest desires if we truly received them? If people "flow in and out of our lives" and we just accept that, how do we form lasting bonds (marriages, friendships, etc) when things get hard? Finally, if we believe we're "not so different from the cockroach," we're completely missing our greater purpose and responsibility as feeling, discerning, striving human beings.

Ultimately the surface intention to deconstruct our assumptions and approach life with curiosity is great, and the format is fun and refreshing, but the author sacrifices foundational truth and concrete purpose for format and symmetry. The conclusions he makes are at best utterly lacking and at most fundamentally dangerous.

[Laura McGee]

This book about a boy looking at a cockroach through a new lens was strangely, EXACTLY the book I needed to read right now.
Honestly just a very short, easy to read and easy to comprehend book on how much of our reality is self constructed, and how that can also be deconstructed, for better or worse.
Side note- illustrations are incredible!

[Jake Moriarty]

A great book for adults and kids alike - it invites young readers to explore the emotional experience of being human without preaching - a great way to introduce ideas about tenderness and shifting perspectives and moral complexity. Read slowly with a caring adult, this would make a great shared ELA/SEL unit.

[Tell me a story (Emma)]

Don't know what this even was. Hated it. One star

[Rachel McKenna]

audiobook is gorgeous. a simple pleasure to listen to

[Adriana Maria]

Great message but I don't think the execution was for me. I found it very repetitive. But great message nevertheless

[Sandy 🥀]

A simple but sweet reminder about the “truths” we internalize and how to let go when they do not serve us. The audiobook was a fantastic experience- if you do choose to read this, I recommend checking out Simon Vance’s narration of the book. He truly elevated the story.