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Inconceivable: Super Sperm Donors, Off-the-Grid Insemination, and Unconventional Family Planning
Inconceivable combines memoir and investigative reporting to reveal an underground community of sperm donors and recipients who have chosen to circumvent traditional fertility avenues and meet up on their own terms. As an active participant in this community, Valerie Bauman uses her own story as a lens into this movement of people attempting to dodge the costly and often discriminatory world of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Inconceivable is a window into the unfair legal, financial, and medical entanglements that compel many single women and LGBTQ+ couples to take their fertility into their own hands.
- GenresMemoirNonfictionScience
304 pages, Hardcover
First published April 16, 2024
2 people are currently reading
1601 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews
December 9, 2024
This was wild. I had several friends go through IVF and was familiar enough with the process; I'd never had any friends (to my knowledge) go through IVF with donor sperm, and certainly (to my knowledge) never knew anyone who used a freelance sperm donor found through facebook. This was a fascinating look into that world and lead me down a few Reddit rabbit holes. It's well-written and weaves together objective non-fiction and personal narrative.
March 5, 2024
Thank you to Netgalley and Union Square & Co for the ARC of Inconcievable!
This was a first-hand account of the harrowing process of fertility treatments in less-conventional forms. The author is a single mother who sought to pursue motherhood via sperm donation, and who chose to circumvent formal sperm banks in an effort to personally know her sperm donor. The author balanced the ethical concerns of wanting to know the biological donor who she chose, while also laying out plainly the risks and less-than-ethical behavior that occurs in informal sperm donation processes.
I felt like this was a harrowing read, which was honest and relatively balanced in its analysis of the process. I appreciated how she considered that the process could be even harder on those who were poor or for queer people pursuing parenthood through off-market sperm donation. She outlined risks and rewards, and we saw her fall into several pitfalls along the way.
I felt like the writing style shifted between personal and intimate (someone sharing their real and complex feelings about a difficult process with a friend) and a more sterile, journalistic analysis of the process. Both were helpful, but as a reader, it caught me off guard a few times.
In general, I did learn (and gained perspective) from this book!
This was a first-hand account of the harrowing process of fertility treatments in less-conventional forms. The author is a single mother who sought to pursue motherhood via sperm donation, and who chose to circumvent formal sperm banks in an effort to personally know her sperm donor. The author balanced the ethical concerns of wanting to know the biological donor who she chose, while also laying out plainly the risks and less-than-ethical behavior that occurs in informal sperm donation processes.
I felt like this was a harrowing read, which was honest and relatively balanced in its analysis of the process. I appreciated how she considered that the process could be even harder on those who were poor or for queer people pursuing parenthood through off-market sperm donation. She outlined risks and rewards, and we saw her fall into several pitfalls along the way.
I felt like the writing style shifted between personal and intimate (someone sharing their real and complex feelings about a difficult process with a friend) and a more sterile, journalistic analysis of the process. Both were helpful, but as a reader, it caught me off guard a few times.
In general, I did learn (and gained perspective) from this book!
April 6, 2024
This book is a deep dive into unregulated sperm donation that takes place outside of sperm banks. The author wanted to have a child and decided to find a sperm donor online. She preferred that to the anonymity of sperm banks in part for the sake of her future child. She wanted to find a donor who would agree to meet the child so that the child wouldn't feel a hole in their life.
A number of Facebook groups dedicated to this purpose exist but there are serious problems there. Expect to get sexually harassed if you are a woman who posts in one of them. The Facebook groups are primarily run by men who are donors and they often will kick women out of the group if they make a public statement about a member's behavior towards them. The groups like to give the impression of being safe and they don't want anyone saying otherwise.
Eventually, she turned to IVF to get pregnant. I was surprised that she barely mentioned egg donation and never mentioned embryo adoption. Still, people becoming parents in unconventional ways is common and this book could offer a lot to someone who is considering using a sperm donor. I was glad that it talked about the needs of children in those situations and the complaints that they have in how they are treated by the fertility industry.
A number of Facebook groups dedicated to this purpose exist but there are serious problems there. Expect to get sexually harassed if you are a woman who posts in one of them. The Facebook groups are primarily run by men who are donors and they often will kick women out of the group if they make a public statement about a member's behavior towards them. The groups like to give the impression of being safe and they don't want anyone saying otherwise.
Eventually, she turned to IVF to get pregnant. I was surprised that she barely mentioned egg donation and never mentioned embryo adoption. Still, people becoming parents in unconventional ways is common and this book could offer a lot to someone who is considering using a sperm donor. I was glad that it talked about the needs of children in those situations and the complaints that they have in how they are treated by the fertility industry.
May 25, 2024
I received an ARC of this book at the TLA conference. I expected to learn a lot when I started the book, but little did I expect to stay up into the wee hours because I couldn’t put it down. Valerie Bowman’s blend of objective reporting and highly personal revelation is a helpful combination for anyone who loves babies, wants a baby, or lives in a world where there are babies (everyone!). There is so much here for all of us to know and understand, whether to help us prepare for a journey ahead or develop empathy for those who are in the midst of that journey.
July 25, 2025
3.5 stars
Utterly unrelatable to me personally, but very interesting. I read this very short memoir in a few hours. While I don't understand Bauman's plight, her writing style and her story were very engaging.
This book includes several accounts from donors, donor conceived children, and women that had children though artificial reproductive technological methods. There's a lot of discussion about moral quandaries and the different ways these alternative families can look. I personally have never wanted children, so I think what intrigued me the most about this book was that it was a look into the mindset of a woman so desperate for a child that she spend thousands of dollars, went through a lot of patronizing treatment, and put her body through hell for the chance to produce a child with her genetics. It was fascinating, though at times horrifying.
I was a bit confused as to why Bauman went into detail a few times about her hesitancy to choose a Black donor because she didn't feel equipped to handle the racial issues a biracial child would inevitably face, yet she was willing to try with a Mexican American donor. That was one thing that wasn't explained, from what I read.
The Man was a difficult portion to read. I already find it hard to understand women putting aside their lifelong goals and self respect for a man - I simply wasn't raised to accept that kind of thing. I couldn't believe a grown man could say the kinds of things he said to her and that she thought she could've gone another 2 years with him anyway. That in combination with the severe slump she was in made this a very sad read. I just felt really bad for her.
It's interesting the parallels between the proposed healthiest way to handle donor conception and adoption. Both seem to have found that keeping the kids in contact with the donors/bio parents and being open and honest throughout their childhoods are the best route for the kids' mental health. Both have roadblocks in the way of accomplishing that because parents tend to center their own feelings over their children's. I appreciated that this book went into the success stories and the painful stories.
Overall, I still find it hard to understand, even as a solidly childfree by choice person, why so many women are willing to spend so much and put their bodies through hell to have a child with their genes. However, the moral issues surrounding adoption make it clear it's never supposed to be a substitute for parenthood. I got a lot of insight into an experience I would've never learned about otherwise, so I found this to be a very informative read.
Utterly unrelatable to me personally, but very interesting. I read this very short memoir in a few hours. While I don't understand Bauman's plight, her writing style and her story were very engaging.
This book includes several accounts from donors, donor conceived children, and women that had children though artificial reproductive technological methods. There's a lot of discussion about moral quandaries and the different ways these alternative families can look. I personally have never wanted children, so I think what intrigued me the most about this book was that it was a look into the mindset of a woman so desperate for a child that she spend thousands of dollars, went through a lot of patronizing treatment, and put her body through hell for the chance to produce a child with her genetics. It was fascinating, though at times horrifying.
I was a bit confused as to why Bauman went into detail a few times about her hesitancy to choose a Black donor because she didn't feel equipped to handle the racial issues a biracial child would inevitably face, yet she was willing to try with a Mexican American donor. That was one thing that wasn't explained, from what I read.
The Man was a difficult portion to read. I already find it hard to understand women putting aside their lifelong goals and self respect for a man - I simply wasn't raised to accept that kind of thing. I couldn't believe a grown man could say the kinds of things he said to her and that she thought she could've gone another 2 years with him anyway. That in combination with the severe slump she was in made this a very sad read. I just felt really bad for her.
It's interesting the parallels between the proposed healthiest way to handle donor conception and adoption. Both seem to have found that keeping the kids in contact with the donors/bio parents and being open and honest throughout their childhoods are the best route for the kids' mental health. Both have roadblocks in the way of accomplishing that because parents tend to center their own feelings over their children's. I appreciated that this book went into the success stories and the painful stories.
Overall, I still find it hard to understand, even as a solidly childfree by choice person, why so many women are willing to spend so much and put their bodies through hell to have a child with their genes. However, the moral issues surrounding adoption make it clear it's never supposed to be a substitute for parenthood. I got a lot of insight into an experience I would've never learned about otherwise, so I found this to be a very informative read.
August 17, 2024
This was one of the most fascinating books I have ever read in my life. Valerie is an outstanding writer and it was a pleasure to read her writing - and she wrote about something that I ordinarily never would have chosen - sperm donation.
When I first requested the book from NetGalley, I requested any book that looked like it was about motherhood, given the struggles I’ve gone through to be a mother because I want to read other stories to feel like I’m not so alone.
Even with the subtitle, I guess I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I’m so glad I did. This is so interesting and it’s a whole world that I knew nothing about, nor even knew existed.
Valerie approached this topic how I would in my own research - exhaustively. She included everything and more about this topic. Just when I thought there certainly could not be more, she presented something else and discussed it at length. I mean, she rocked it.
Maybe this next part counts as a spoiler but I refuse to hide my whole review for this next but, so skip this if you prefer because I’m not hiding it.
She is a pregnancy loss survivor, like me. She went through a journey similar in length to mine to become a mother. Her journey, however, was extremely different and cost significantly more money. Her journey was without a partner as she was choosing to be a single mother. Reading her pain, how she went through the loss, her emotions, it felt so real and true because it was how I felt when I had my first miscarriage. I empathized with her. I felt pain for her. It was a little triggering but I’m learning to read these things again.
To further the spoiler (though this should not be one), I saw on her Instagram that Valerie has had a baby. She just had one. She had a little boy. It gave me such joy to read this as I rocked my own rainbow baby boy in the middle of the night.
Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and author for providing me with a complimentary copy in exchange for an honest review.
When I first requested the book from NetGalley, I requested any book that looked like it was about motherhood, given the struggles I’ve gone through to be a mother because I want to read other stories to feel like I’m not so alone.
Even with the subtitle, I guess I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I’m so glad I did. This is so interesting and it’s a whole world that I knew nothing about, nor even knew existed.
Valerie approached this topic how I would in my own research - exhaustively. She included everything and more about this topic. Just when I thought there certainly could not be more, she presented something else and discussed it at length. I mean, she rocked it.
Maybe this next part counts as a spoiler but I refuse to hide my whole review for this next but, so skip this if you prefer because I’m not hiding it.
She is a pregnancy loss survivor, like me. She went through a journey similar in length to mine to become a mother. Her journey, however, was extremely different and cost significantly more money. Her journey was without a partner as she was choosing to be a single mother. Reading her pain, how she went through the loss, her emotions, it felt so real and true because it was how I felt when I had my first miscarriage. I empathized with her. I felt pain for her. It was a little triggering but I’m learning to read these things again.
To further the spoiler (though this should not be one), I saw on her Instagram that Valerie has had a baby. She just had one. She had a little boy. It gave me such joy to read this as I rocked my own rainbow baby boy in the middle of the night.
Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and author for providing me with a complimentary copy in exchange for an honest review.
June 20, 2025
Woah what a book
1) i read this book cuz i was looking for a nonfiction that investigate the improvement of ivf throughout the past 40 years. I forgot what set me up on this journey tho. But yeah, i thought it was a pretty straightforward idea: u remove the egg, u remove the sperm, u do the fertilization in vitro and u add it back inside the womb. How hard could that be? (oh boy was i wrong)
2) some stuff that i learn here: (a) this sht is expensive like +$50k (b) a lot of ethical and legal issues. this book def go through all the things that can go wrong
3) valerie, im so sorry that “the man” didn’t turn out to be the one for you. I know u got your hopes high and i did too but im so fucking glad that u left his ass.
4) I literally rushed to ur ig to check if the baby boy made it and he did! congrats!!!! hey there might be a myriad of questions he might have but one thing is for sure is that he’s the most wanted baby in the world.
5) pls consider writing a follow-up book abt navigating the life of single parent by choice and dealing with the ethical dilemma
6) and i also learned a lot abt the world of underground sperm donation
1) i read this book cuz i was looking for a nonfiction that investigate the improvement of ivf throughout the past 40 years. I forgot what set me up on this journey tho. But yeah, i thought it was a pretty straightforward idea: u remove the egg, u remove the sperm, u do the fertilization in vitro and u add it back inside the womb. How hard could that be? (oh boy was i wrong)
2) some stuff that i learn here: (a) this sht is expensive like +$50k (b) a lot of ethical and legal issues. this book def go through all the things that can go wrong
3) valerie, im so sorry that “the man” didn’t turn out to be the one for you. I know u got your hopes high and i did too but im so fucking glad that u left his ass.
4) I literally rushed to ur ig to check if the baby boy made it and he did! congrats!!!! hey there might be a myriad of questions he might have but one thing is for sure is that he’s the most wanted baby in the world.
5) pls consider writing a follow-up book abt navigating the life of single parent by choice and dealing with the ethical dilemma
6) and i also learned a lot abt the world of underground sperm donation
January 2, 2025
Valerie’s storytelling style invites the reader along to experience the many ups and downs of her journey to becoming a parent. Part memoir and part investigative journalism, I couldn’t wait to see how the story would unfold. No doubt, stories like the many Valerie shares throughout the book, will challenge the fertility industry to improve their accessibility to “non-traditional” families. Thank you, Valerie, for providing such a well-researched look into the many ways families come to be. And a thousand congratulations on your happy ending!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 14, 2025
Interesting nonfiction story about a woman trying to become a mom in her late thirties as a single woman.
May 13, 2024
I’ve been excited to read this book every since I first found out it was happening (full disclosure: I know the author in real life.) I already knew Valerie was a great journalist but I was very interested to see how she would interweave her own story into this. I read this in less than a day. It’s very engrossing - even if you haven’t gone through the fertility process and have no interest in childbearing, like myself. I found this deep dive into the world of freelance sperm to be both fascinating and maddening, especially as you start to dig into the inherent and pervasive racism, sexism and other isms of the fertility world. For a nation that apparently really wants women to stay pregnant, we sure do make it difficult for so many people to get pregnant.
Valerie’s personal journey that intersects the journalistic part of this book is relatable, funny and touching. You really get caught up in the story and find yourself rooting for her at every step. Each setback strikes you hard!
At times, you feel like you’re having a long conversation with a friend sharing all her most intimate secrets and educating you at the same time. And as a woman deeply concerned about the state of women’s health care today, this struck nerve after nerve.
Valerie’s personal journey that intersects the journalistic part of this book is relatable, funny and touching. You really get caught up in the story and find yourself rooting for her at every step. Each setback strikes you hard!
At times, you feel like you’re having a long conversation with a friend sharing all her most intimate secrets and educating you at the same time. And as a woman deeply concerned about the state of women’s health care today, this struck nerve after nerve.
May 29, 2024
More than anything, this book is a love story -- a quest for motherhood so powerful and consuming, at times heart-breaking, but also inspiring. Bauman's raw, confessional personal story as she strives to become pregnant is one I will not soon forget. She invites you along for all the hopes and failures in her journey in a sincere and utterly vulnerable way. I felt as though I was right there, experiencing her agony and disappointment at each setback. Through it all, her incredible fortitude and resilience were deeply moving.
This book also opened my eyes to a unique and intriguing shift in society. I was not at all aware of the many alternative routes to conceiving with a donor, but the myriad problematic shortcomings of our modern healthcare system compel people to explore different options. Bauman meticulously explores the various stakeholders and facets of a very complex structure, highlighting the inequities that underrepresented groups face and exposing some truly heinous aspects of the medical system.
This is a marvelous book, a great read for anyone who has ever considered becoming a single mother by choice, or for anyone who wants to become more informed and empathetic toward the plight of folks who have to rely on alternative routes to parenthood.
This book also opened my eyes to a unique and intriguing shift in society. I was not at all aware of the many alternative routes to conceiving with a donor, but the myriad problematic shortcomings of our modern healthcare system compel people to explore different options. Bauman meticulously explores the various stakeholders and facets of a very complex structure, highlighting the inequities that underrepresented groups face and exposing some truly heinous aspects of the medical system.
This is a marvelous book, a great read for anyone who has ever considered becoming a single mother by choice, or for anyone who wants to become more informed and empathetic toward the plight of folks who have to rely on alternative routes to parenthood.
April 29, 2024
As a genetic counselor who works in assisted reproductive medicine, I love picking up new books written by recipients of gamete donation and donor conceived people (DCP). Valerie honestly describes her lifelong desire to be a mom and the roadblocks that stopped her from building a "traditional" family as well as all the emotional, financial, logistical, and legal hurdles she faced on her path to become a single mom. The journalistic nature of this book sets it apart from memoirs written by recipients/single moms. Valerie evaluated and explored different avenues to identify sperm donors providing historical context to gamete donation, benefits and pitfalls to different sperm donor scenarios, and ultimately shifting plans as she learned more and her goals and available options changed. She also shares the story of he miscarriage and how the struggle to have a baby impacted her life and relationships in so many ways. And she is funny! Highly recommend to anyone interested in learning more about the current landscape of non-identified, known, and social media facilitated sperm donation, anyone considering starting a family solo or starting their fertility journey.
April 17, 2024
I love a good weaving together of personal narrative and objective factfinding. This memoir does just that. Valerie’s writing feels like a series of conversations with a dear friend, and by the end you are rooting for the best outcomes.
As part of the donor conception community (a parent), I’m glad to see more writing about the immense thinking, planning, and logistics that go into family building outside of societal norms. Valerie’s journey demonstrates why people must think carefully and completely about the options they have for building the families they want and why keeping the best interests of the child in mind matters so much.
If you are considering donor conception, or know someone who is, read this book.
As part of the donor conception community (a parent), I’m glad to see more writing about the immense thinking, planning, and logistics that go into family building outside of societal norms. Valerie’s journey demonstrates why people must think carefully and completely about the options they have for building the families they want and why keeping the best interests of the child in mind matters so much.
If you are considering donor conception, or know someone who is, read this book.
June 26, 2024
This is a difficult review to do. Do I proceed as a reaction or as a critic or as a realist? For the attitude, the prose form, the pacing? I can only try. To say all I felt (rather than thought) when reading this book, and if I was truthful about all of it- I would probably be censored or have a couple dozen haters in response. Not that I am fearful of that at all. Just don't want to make an effort to explain. Especially with my knowledge of cognitive and emotional maturity tracking history. I spent years doing group data testing. Not 20 years ago either.
Here goes:
They talk about the "wild West" where murder, mayhem, and lifetime injury were all common as dirt during the 1800's in western North America. Well that in numbers and in outcomes was a strange but orderly picnic compared to the myriads of dark, shaded, or open web and medical today in the field of "make a baby" the laboratory and/and or utensil ways. It even has its own language. AI, NI etc. NI is natural insemination or sex. By giving different methods or stages exact nomenclature it makes it all so "erudite". NOT.
The author has all the criteria to do this subject and observation. And participation to a 5 star level.
That she lives almost completely in and subject to her emotion of the moment (not only in familial or personal relationships either) as well; so that made it VERY difficult for me to read. She wants what she wants too. She has incredible stamina and IMMENSE arrogance and entitlement too to go with it.. Coupled with her overriding mental perceptions- this was as stony a tale to read as the actions taken. Of course she consistently apologizes to her family. While she guts their caring, values and entire worldview and spiritual essence constantly on double count pages- and often on the very next page from the 2 line apology. Some of her comments re men or her father read like she was 17 not 42. I refrain from her mental illness diagnosis. And pale at her reaction the first time the "perfect" baby becomes a kid and makes fun of the way she brushes her teeth. Read this and you will understand my reference. ANY coupleship demands compromise to last more than months. Let alone a lifetime.
There will be a time when most of these methods will be far more curtailed then they are presently. Especially within the super donors who have kids in fairly small geographic areas within the triple digits. And for other numerous medical and social applications of both short and long term fallout. Not only legal child support or future meetings or emotional bonds desired either. But that time is not now. Right now it is narcissistic playland.
And the costs! Not only in dollars. Family planning? Her very case study stories of late teens searching for their biological fathers and siblings. (One finds over 40.) No, it isn't all about "me" and wanting 20 something adult years of "other stuff" first.
It was a serendipity read I found on the non-fiction "new" shelf. I'm glad I read it. Every generation of my family (on different sides as well) has adopted. Which I NEVER understand as a rejected option here. It isn't easy either. But it is far, far from impossible. You can foster and THEN adopt too. So much of this field- at least half of it was repulsive to me. Especially re the ages upon birthing. Because many will never be able to single parent children into their 60's or 70's well. Or at all. Selfish, selfish, selfish people. Not all, but majority. Even many of the couples which will not be single parenting. And I have been a single parent while both young and in middle age. I do know. It does not surprise me that married lesbian couples after divorce are fighting over donated sperm babies at 3 or 5 years of age before the children are even in kindergarten. Because for most of these humans- it is all about them and very little about the offspring.
Here goes:
They talk about the "wild West" where murder, mayhem, and lifetime injury were all common as dirt during the 1800's in western North America. Well that in numbers and in outcomes was a strange but orderly picnic compared to the myriads of dark, shaded, or open web and medical today in the field of "make a baby" the laboratory and/and or utensil ways. It even has its own language. AI, NI etc. NI is natural insemination or sex. By giving different methods or stages exact nomenclature it makes it all so "erudite". NOT.
The author has all the criteria to do this subject and observation. And participation to a 5 star level.
That she lives almost completely in and subject to her emotion of the moment (not only in familial or personal relationships either) as well; so that made it VERY difficult for me to read. She wants what she wants too. She has incredible stamina and IMMENSE arrogance and entitlement too to go with it.. Coupled with her overriding mental perceptions- this was as stony a tale to read as the actions taken. Of course she consistently apologizes to her family. While she guts their caring, values and entire worldview and spiritual essence constantly on double count pages- and often on the very next page from the 2 line apology. Some of her comments re men or her father read like she was 17 not 42. I refrain from her mental illness diagnosis. And pale at her reaction the first time the "perfect" baby becomes a kid and makes fun of the way she brushes her teeth. Read this and you will understand my reference. ANY coupleship demands compromise to last more than months. Let alone a lifetime.
There will be a time when most of these methods will be far more curtailed then they are presently. Especially within the super donors who have kids in fairly small geographic areas within the triple digits. And for other numerous medical and social applications of both short and long term fallout. Not only legal child support or future meetings or emotional bonds desired either. But that time is not now. Right now it is narcissistic playland.
And the costs! Not only in dollars. Family planning? Her very case study stories of late teens searching for their biological fathers and siblings. (One finds over 40.) No, it isn't all about "me" and wanting 20 something adult years of "other stuff" first.
It was a serendipity read I found on the non-fiction "new" shelf. I'm glad I read it. Every generation of my family (on different sides as well) has adopted. Which I NEVER understand as a rejected option here. It isn't easy either. But it is far, far from impossible. You can foster and THEN adopt too. So much of this field- at least half of it was repulsive to me. Especially re the ages upon birthing. Because many will never be able to single parent children into their 60's or 70's well. Or at all. Selfish, selfish, selfish people. Not all, but majority. Even many of the couples which will not be single parenting. And I have been a single parent while both young and in middle age. I do know. It does not surprise me that married lesbian couples after divorce are fighting over donated sperm babies at 3 or 5 years of age before the children are even in kindergarten. Because for most of these humans- it is all about them and very little about the offspring.
November 18, 2025
The journey to parenthood isn’t for the faint of heart. When the stars haven’t yet aligned, some need a little help. That assistance is probably not what you think it is. Even though I know people who have engaged in this world, I mostly only heard the major beats. I thought you went into a lab and found out what was preventing pregnancy and the best way to overcome that hurdle specific to the situation. I assumed all sperm donors were star athletes and rocket scientists that had been heavily screened. I was not aware of the range of options, what that really entails, nor really appreciated the expense and difficulties in getting to a healthy baby. I also under appreciated the drive to parenthood taking people to extreme behaviors. I also think we under appreciate how much influence sperm has on a pregnancy, appearance, mannerisms, character and the entire life of a being.
Valerie’s in depth, high quality and very personal reporting through the layers of the regulated medical path and seedy dark market to family planning that took me on a challenging emotional roller coaster. I also cheated and looked her up, because the book doesn’t make it clear if she actually gets to become a mother and I was really, really sad about what she went through. I am so happy to spoil it for you, because I think you will have an easier read knowing that incredibly, after the book ends, she has a beautiful little son.
I am angry at the red tape, bias and expense in the medical systems. I was wildly upset about the gross examples of “donors” in the black market for sperm pressuring recipients for sex and bragging about having HUNDREDS of children. I am upset that both in the medical side and black market side there is nothing preventing these super donors, causing many examples of high numbers of siblings in close proximity, leading to examples of unintentional incest. I am upset about the laws allowing anonymous donation and preventing donor conceived individuals from learning about their lineage, but we are in the age of the cheap DNA test so all of that is just cognitive dissonance where donors can easily be identified. I am mad about the laws that over ride a legal contract between recipient and donor to not seek child support from a donor, or allowing custody to a donor. I was grossed out by the examples of medical fraud - lying to recipients about the sperm donor, recipients and donors promised low numbers of children from a single donor, geographically removed not being honored, doctors using their own sperm (or their husbands, or a med students). The screenings of donors on the medical side missed major genetic risks. I was crying at the setbacks and losses. The bias whiffs of religious and eugenics influences.
As upsetting as the content is, I am incredibly grateful to Valerie for her careful and honest reporting about this. I am glad I read it and I am recommending it to specific audiences.
I believe anyone needing assistance, and those in the support network of people seeking assistance, to start their family should read it.
All medical professionals engaged in family planning assistance should read it.
Donor conceived offspring should read it.
Genetic genealogists who encounter and support donor conceived individuals should read it.
Sperm donors should read it.
Policy makers who write law, lawyers who are trying to support individuals from all sides of this experience and judges with these cases coming before them should read it.
There are some content warnings: miscarriage and suicidal ideation.
Valerie’s in depth, high quality and very personal reporting through the layers of the regulated medical path and seedy dark market to family planning that took me on a challenging emotional roller coaster. I also cheated and looked her up, because the book doesn’t make it clear if she actually gets to become a mother and I was really, really sad about what she went through. I am so happy to spoil it for you, because I think you will have an easier read knowing that incredibly, after the book ends, she has a beautiful little son.
I am angry at the red tape, bias and expense in the medical systems. I was wildly upset about the gross examples of “donors” in the black market for sperm pressuring recipients for sex and bragging about having HUNDREDS of children. I am upset that both in the medical side and black market side there is nothing preventing these super donors, causing many examples of high numbers of siblings in close proximity, leading to examples of unintentional incest. I am upset about the laws allowing anonymous donation and preventing donor conceived individuals from learning about their lineage, but we are in the age of the cheap DNA test so all of that is just cognitive dissonance where donors can easily be identified. I am mad about the laws that over ride a legal contract between recipient and donor to not seek child support from a donor, or allowing custody to a donor. I was grossed out by the examples of medical fraud - lying to recipients about the sperm donor, recipients and donors promised low numbers of children from a single donor, geographically removed not being honored, doctors using their own sperm (or their husbands, or a med students). The screenings of donors on the medical side missed major genetic risks. I was crying at the setbacks and losses. The bias whiffs of religious and eugenics influences.
As upsetting as the content is, I am incredibly grateful to Valerie for her careful and honest reporting about this. I am glad I read it and I am recommending it to specific audiences.
I believe anyone needing assistance, and those in the support network of people seeking assistance, to start their family should read it.
All medical professionals engaged in family planning assistance should read it.
Donor conceived offspring should read it.
Genetic genealogists who encounter and support donor conceived individuals should read it.
Sperm donors should read it.
Policy makers who write law, lawyers who are trying to support individuals from all sides of this experience and judges with these cases coming before them should read it.
There are some content warnings: miscarriage and suicidal ideation.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 27, 2024
Bauman's style of writing is very compelling (think undercover journalist) yet her very personal memoir is somehow beautifully intertwined. She imbeds the stories of many women and men wanting to build or help create a family system with their own gametes. These stories are the stories that are supposed to be untold. Private, personal, sad, happy, surprising, devastating, and beautiful. I laughed, cried, gasped, and was awed by Bauman's journey and the journey of many others she shares. After reading her memoir I noticed it was on Audible and Bauman was the narrator. Why not, I had the credits, and this story was too touching to not hear it read by the author. I'm so glad I got the audible version as well! I was immersed in her journey and felt her excitement, pain, sorrow, determination, and joy through her emotional read. This is a great book. I learned so much, and feel everyone trying to conceive a family unconventionally owes it to themselves to at least take this journey will Bauman to learn all the ins and outs of conceiving when it seems so unconceivable.
May 29, 2024
I had an ARC of this moving memoir, although I'm embarrassed that I finished it so late. Bauman follows her journey of becoming a single mother by choice while also exposing different homegrown ways people make babies. I read another memoir, Knocking Myself Up (I believe) that followed that author through a similar journey, but what makes Bauman's unique is that it's combined with deep reporting and interviewing with many couples and sperm donors. I did not know there was such a hidden market for sperm donors online. There are Facebook groups where people make arrangements to donate and receive; some men are "super donors," meaning they've fathered hundreds of children. Bauman also interviewed adult children whose parents used donors and how they feel after discovering all their half-siblings on Ancestry or 23 and Me. I am interested in medical things, specifically in women's health, and I found this book both enlightening and tender. I wish Bauman the best as she continues following her path.
October 19, 2025
3.5 ⭐️. So I started this during the race yesterday and the first two hours of this were just not good. I went into this with the expectation of investigative journalism and the first half of the book was not really that. The author would mention something, determine it’s not for her, and then never talk about it again, not putting on the investigative journaling hat and giving the people what they want (me and details). There were also unbacked unsolicited opinions that I thought were simply unprofessional, especially as someone who is taking on the responsibility of having an authoritative perspective via research, interviews, etc.
The second half was better weaved between the author’s own experiences and the actual research I was craving. I was still feeling insatiable coming off the high of Emily Oster, but I enjoyed the second half more. I do wish that the book didn’t end so abruptly, I literally had to find this woman’s Instagram to see how her story ended.
The second half was better weaved between the author’s own experiences and the actual research I was craving. I was still feeling insatiable coming off the high of Emily Oster, but I enjoyed the second half more. I do wish that the book didn’t end so abruptly, I literally had to find this woman’s Instagram to see how her story ended.
April 30, 2024
This is a very important book. The author provides the hard-edge revelations of a veteran investigative reporter and the heart and heartbreak of a woman trying to navigate this complex and fascinating field. We rarely get the benefit of both of those perspectives. But Bauman provides surprising and sometimes startling facts, then backs them up with her own very personal experience. For people seeking a child through this industry, the book is an indispensable guide. For others, it’s a fascinating journey that says much about society, the medical field, and the lengths individuals will go to become parents today. Insightful, gut-wrenching and even funny, “Inconceivable” is a book that had to be written.
March 17, 2024
I couldn't stop reading this fascinating memoir. Valerie Bauman was 38, an investigative journalist living in Washington DC, when she decided it was time: she wanted to have a baby, as a single mother. Bauman spent the next few years, including the pandemic, pursuing motherhood. She takes a deep dive into the world of sperm donation, discussing the barriers for single parents and LGBTQ folks in the traditional medical system using sperm banks. She describes in great detail the pros and the cons of the unregulated sperm donation world (outside of sperm banks), all while telling the story of her personal journey. This is a well-written, interesting memoir.
May 27, 2024
This book is absolutely incredible. It is part memoir and part investigative journalism, and it delivers on both of those things. The memoir part is emotional and in depth. You become invested in Valerie’s journey as she seeks to create a family on her own terms, and you root for her to make it. The investigative journalism was in depth, educational and explored a lot of fascinating angles about the reproductive industry I never would have thought of on my own. It dives into the freelance sperm, sperm banks and the legal and ethical ramifications of these things. It was hard to put down, and I would recommend this to anyone looking for a good and fascinating read.
June 24, 2024
This book can be so powerful to thousands of women who've had similar struggles and I hope that they find it. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has struggled with infertility issues, dealt with loss or is curious about alternative family planning. I didn't want the book to end but I did want her struggles to end. The author brings you in and shares her personal experiences making her vulnerable and lovable and human. All while using her professional journalist scope to share the truths of the entire industry. Sharing her story was brave and an incredible gift to share.
June 26, 2024
I picked this book up after attending an author event in dc. so glad I did and that I finally got around to reading it! the world of freelance sperm donation is fascinating, and the legal implications and risks are complex and thought provoking. it’s so frustrating that we can’t seem to get it together to protect families and donors through common sense lawmaking and regulation. I also appreciated how forthcoming and honest Bauman was in telling her own story about navigating the fertility industry and becoming a mother.
December 10, 2024
As a solo mom by choice myself (also utilizing the "off-the-grid" swimmer market), I loved Bauman's candid exposé/memoir of the journey to solo parenthood using donor gametes. As someone who advocates for donor conception reform, I cheer for an author who is helping to open the eyes of the world to the lack of regulation in the donor gamete industry.
Highly recommend if you want a great book that not only tugs on your heart strings but also leaves you pondering the ethics of the donor gamete industry.
Highly recommend if you want a great book that not only tugs on your heart strings but also leaves you pondering the ethics of the donor gamete industry.
March 3, 2024
An eye-opening book about the strange and emergent world of fertility and artificial insemination told through memoir and first-hand experience. I was shocked to learn about the unregulated sperm donor market and how expensive these procedures are.
September 7, 2024
A thoughtful, thorough, and sobering account of the single woman’s journey to motherhood. I’ve experienced much of what she shared in the beginning half and the ending half forced me to examine my own choices and introduced questions I hadn’t previously thought of.
November 10, 2024
What an interesting read as someone who is not yet ready to have children, but anticipates doing so in the future. The author successfully walked the line between memoir and reporting. This book really made me think about WHY people have children.
April 4, 2024
Great read into a rarely discussed topic that's front and center in our society. Enjoyed it thoroughly.
April 25, 2024
Whether this is a journey you are going through, know someone who is, or just curious; this book is for you. This books catches one from the start and keeps the intest to the end. Highly recommend.
June 24, 2024
I learned so much from this book. While I couldn't relate to the specific situation, I related to her feelings on a human level. Very well written and eye opening.
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