Stop People Pleasing: And Find Your Power

by Hailey Paige Magee

A viral life coach offers a practical, empathetic, and inspiring guide to breaking people-pleasing patterns that can harm our careers, relationships, physical, and psychic health.

For most of Hailey Magee’s life, people-pleasing came so naturally to her that she didn’t even have a word for it. When somebody wanted something from her—even a stranger—she gave it, no matter how uncomfortable, exhausted, or resentful she felt inside. People-pleasing, she learned, was a coping mechanism that had kept her physically and emotionally safe in the past, but wreaked havoc on her life in the present—and she was committed to breaking the pattern once and for all.

The solution that social media and self-help shelves gave her was to “Advocate for yourself! Speak up! Set boundaries!” But after years of ignoring her feelings and needs, Magee needed more than boundaries; she needed to reconnect with the “self” who was supposed to be doing the advocating. You can’t express yourself if you’re cut off from your feelings. You can’t fight for your needs if you don’t know what they are. And you can’t set boundaries with others until you believe you’re worthy of more than the bare minimum. Radically reconnecting with herself gave Magee the confidence and self-respect she needed to stand up for herself in her relationships. As she experienced a freedom she never thought possible, she became a certified life coach with the mission of helping others do the same.

Stop People Pleasing explains how anyone can break the pattern by learning their own feelings, needs, values, and desires; ending cycles of enmeshment and codependency; overcoming guilt; developing physical and sexual agency; and more. It is a refreshingly nuanced guide, exploring fundamental questions like:
-How can I tell when my genuine kindness veers into people-pleasing?
-How can I set boundaries while maintaining my empathy and generosity?
-When is it appropriate to compromise on my needs, and when is it not?

Combining social science, psychology, and hands-on coaching exercises, Stop People Pleasing teaches you how to connect with your own feelings, needs, and dreams; courageously advocate for yourself in your relationships with friends, family, and colleagues; soothe yourself through the growing pains of healing; and dive headfirst into pleasure and play. With fresh insight, heartfelt empathy, and a keen personal understanding of the pitfalls of people-pleasing, Magee helps you say what you need and get what you deserve.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development, Mental Health, Relationships

363 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 14, 2024

Reviews

[Martha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm cured now, so look out bitches. I'm not gonna please any of you!

[RxReads · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a game-changer for me. It felt like Hailey Magee was speaking right to my soul, addressing the people-pleasing tendencies that have been holding me back for so long. Her personal journey adds a relatable touch, making the advice feel genuine and actionable. What I loved most is how she doesn't just tell you to set boundaries and speak up; she guides you through reconnecting with yourself first, which is where real change starts. The mix of practical exercises and insightful questions helped me uncover layers I didn't even know were there. If you're tired of saying yes when you really want to say no, this book is a must-read.

I have to admit, at first, I was skeptical. Another self-help book claiming to have all the answers? But Stop People Pleasing surprised me. It's not just about saying no or setting boundaries; it's about understanding why we feel the need to please others in the first place. Magee dives deep into the psychology behind it all, offering empathy and understanding every step of the way. Her approach is refreshingly nuanced, acknowledging that it's not always easy to break free from these patterns. By the end, I felt empowered and ready to start advocating for myself in a way I never thought possible. Highly recommend for anyone ready to reclaim their power and live life on their own terms.

[Sophie Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

very nuanced very smart very helpful

[Fireplace.Bookworm · Rating 2 out of 5]

I DNFed this one at 72% for a few reasons. One being the “real life” stories became too much. I didn’t care what others did in what felt like the scripted situations I wanted the meat and potatoes of what I could do. Two, it began to feel super repetitive. I struggled with this one from the beginning and it took me exceptionally long to get through. I probably should have DNFed sooner but I so wanted it to be good.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nuanced and extremely practical. So much self-help advice these days is annoyingly black and white, but Hailey really teaches how we can stand up for ourselves without letting go of our empathy, compassion, and kindness. Every people-pleaser needs this book YESTERDAY.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As much as I am not a fan of “life coaches” (I think it is a made up profession for people that want to be therapists without going through the hassle of getting a degree or licensed) I legit enjoyed this book. I liked the explanations within the chapters of what is to come later on. The author provided very realistic and logical examples of all the concepts that she presented. I appreciate the author speaking about the importance of recognizing our needs as imperative to wellbeing. Individuals that people please typically lose a significant sense of self. There was a part in here that said “we anticipate our need will not be met, so we don’t even ask” and ouch…..that statement hit home. People pleasing is such a common trait for individuals to have that leads to depression and anxiety.
I loved the breakdown on the boundary setting sections. I highly recommend this book if you would consider yourself a people pleaser.

Thank you NetGalley for providing me with an ARC for an honest review.

[Sumit · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really brilliant, thoroughly researched, and approachable treatment of the "people pleasing" phenomenon - where it comes from, how it manifests both in childhood and adulthood, the pendulum between overpleasing/exhaustion and avoidance/introversion, and thoughts on how to notice and shift all of these behaviors. The book has a wonderful balance of intuitive explanation, findings from published studies/books, and stories, both fictionalized vignettes and personal stories from the author's own life.

I'd highly recommend this book to anyone who has struggled with people pleasing in any of their relationships. Even if you've read many books on the topic (which I had), I suspect you'll find some new insights in this wonderful volume.

Side note: my only complaint is the title - had I not found out about the book through other channels, I would have assumed from the title (especially the subtitle) that this would be just like the 100 other "rah-rah" motivational self-help books with armchair psychology tips, no references, etc. I've recommended the book to quite a few folks at this point, and several have balked at the title; I've had to convince them there's much more to the book than they might assume.

[Dani · Rating 4 out of 5]

This helped me reflect on a lot of things I needed to examine in myself. It was a bit heavy on the self-help vibe than I usually like but honestly I found it so helpful that I'm really glad I read it.

[Dil · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will help you get to know more the little things about people pleasing, such as the ways we thought was not people pleasing but it actually was.

What I love about this book is it doesn’t force you to leave people behind when they violate your boundaries, but it allows you to process how you feel and assess the circumstances, such as in situations where one’s safety is at stake.

Recommend this self-help book if you want to understand more about yourself and your people-pleasing tendencies.

[Tiago · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mixed feelings about this book. It must not have helped that I read half of it and then two months later read the other half.

The book has some interesting insights, many of them along the lines of being more selfish, but not necessarily in a bad way, just in not always putting yourself last. That said, it’s still a somewhat egocentric view.

I guess this is an interesting book if you have trouble prioritizing your needs.

[Maggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow oh wow I never thought stumbling into a bookstore on a Monday would lead me here but I’m glad it did. I had the honor of listening to Hailey speak at that same bookstore in Seattle the following day and am so happy to have now finished this book. It was everything I needed to hear and more right now. Anyone struggling with people pleasing or to self advocate will find something helpful in this book and I definitely found more than something. Her approach to grief and discernment was probably my biggest takeaway due to current circumstances. Thank you Hailey for sharing your story and doing it in such a nuanced way. I can’t wait to read this again in the future!

[Chrisdee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical and knowledgeable guide to breaking people pleasing patterns! Hailey has a very helpful Instagram account that I recommend often to others. Here in this book her thoughts are well written, consice and easy to follow. Tons of examples and great follow through from examples to applicable use! She does a great job of combining social science, psychology, and hands on coaching exercises in this book.

* I received this ARC from Netgalley in exchange for my honest review *

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been following Hailey Paige Magee on Instagram for awhile now and was so excited when I saw that she was writing a book!

If you're a people pleaser, buy this book NOW. It's so well written and organized with chapters on all different topics. I've been coming back to individual chapters as needed. I purchased the Audible version and the author did a great job narrating. STOP People Pleasing: And Find Your Power can be life changing, once it's put into action. It's been added to my list of self-development faves so I remember to come back to it.

[Audible: 11 hours, 1 minute]

[Paige · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s me, hi! 👋🏻 I’m the problem, it’s me.

I liked this book & found it immensely helpful. One star is because it is the right read for me at the right time in my life (tbh probably should’ve read it sooner, but here we eventually are!). I’m heavily considering that maybe this book should have a long-term spot on my shelf…

In general, I don’t gel with self-help books, & engage their claims with an enormous dose of skepticism. I squint hard at self proclaimed life coaches. I even more especially toss this genre into the waste bin when it involves: “buy my course and then I’ll tell you the secret to instant success!” This book isn’t that.

As I haven’t done any research on the topic before, I learned *a lot* here. The author’s approach comes across as fair & inclusive to people, circumstances, & scope, and the author including her own journey made it feel more personable. I appreciated the author’s tone, & respected the balance of science & therapy & storytelling. I valued the author’s combination of explaining the impulse behind people-pleasing & offering practical & actionable practices. This book addresses the roots and not just the symptoms—it encourages & guides you through a reconnecting with your self & your values, which is the true source of healing these tendencies. Reading this makes me feel that I am finally understanding myself better, recognizing my stressors, & gives me hope for actually getting out of the slippery well the compulsion of people-pleasing is.

[Jenn McEvoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, NetGalley for the opportunity to read this early release book. I’ve always struggled with being a people pleaser and I’m slowly learning to get away from those behaviors.

This book had a lot of great suggestions; tips, and stories.

Highly recommend this book to everyone! It was very good for a personal development book.

[Alexandria Zaobidny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hailey Magee is brilliant! This book is such an incredible resource. It is very thorough and has exercises you can try throughout each chapter. I especially loved her chapter on the importance of “play”!

[Jennifer Daniells · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really like how Hailey talks about liminal spaces and how she deconstructs people pleasing for all. It’s important to understand why some folks people please due to systematic structures. I loved all the tools that she provides and I really like how she organized the book. It is a great read!

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book I needed to read this season.

As a small business owner and boss of a business with a mission, this walks through applicable nuances so well, even though it’s not at all a business book.

One million stars.

[Taylor Kundel-Gower · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am super picky about this genre and this book was *chef's kiss*. Concise and easy to understand, while simultaneously very nuanced. This book is so incredibly helpful and I will be recommending it to every living breathing person I come across.

[Sarah Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t give 5 stars lightly, but this one earned it! This has changed my life and the way I see myself. 100% worth the read!!

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This spoke directly to me. She covers so many aspects of this habit....no matter what level of people pleaser you are, she will cover something that you struggle with. Really really good book

[Charlotte Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a beautiful read around people pleasing. I struggle with this- and have gotten so many tips and tools around it!!!!! Thanks Hailey!!!

[Vivienne · Rating 5 out of 5]

My only complaint is that I couldn’t have read it 14 years ago! Outstanding book, very helpful.

[Neeyati · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5*

[Darby Mara]

DNF

a book i think i will come back to when i am in a headspace to take action and do these exercises in their full. but currently i am not in a place to fully get out of this book what i need

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid advice, especially if you’re new to this space.

[Mona · Rating 5 out of 5]

- people pleasing patterns are developed as a way to manage our experience of unsupportive, unsafe, or unpredictable environments. Many learn to people-please in childhood in order to get safety or affection from preoccupied, unavailable, or abusive caregivers.

- in 2003, psychotherapist and trauma expert. Pete Walker expanded the well-known “fight, flight, or freeze “stress response model to include a fourth addition: Fawn. When threatened, a person with the fawn response will try to please, gratify, or accommodate the source of threat instead of fighting back, running away, or shutting down. The fawn response is particularly common among those who experienced childhood abuse

- those who fawn seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.

- authoritarian parents are punitive, controlling, and have unreasonably high expectations of their children. Though they meet their children’s material needs, they rarely provide affection or emotional support. And parents offer a few explanations for their rules and offer no room for compromise: their control is paramount. Having such rigid rules as an emotionally baron environment leads many children to believe that the only way to gain other is approval is to do everything right. They become externally, motivated, anxiously seeking their worth in the validation of their parents, teachers, and peers. terrified of disapproval they tend to be chronically, anxious, and extremely critical of themselves. Many grew to be perfectionist, who can’t tolerate making mistakes. So preoccupied with meeting others expectations, they struggle to identify their own feelings and desires. So many become hard-working and successful adults, they often enter therapy, seeking help for low assertiveness, guilt, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem

- people pleasing can be instilled by caregivers who model people pleasing behaviors of themselves. As children, we learned what’s normal behavior by watching our caregivers.

- gender: for centuries, the image of the loving woman has been associated with sacrifice, and the denial of one’s own needs to take care of others. Because women are socialized to view the caretaking of others as their highest duty, they learn to ignore their own needs.

- safety doesn’t necessarily mean safety from physical harm or violence, though it can. It can also mean safety more broadly: social safety examples include “I belong“ or “people approve of me“. Emotional safety example is “I am known and understood “or “I am loved “or “I matter “. Material safety example is “my basic needs are met. “

- sociotropy: a personality trait, characterized by over reliance on others approval and an excessive investment in one’s relationships.

- people pleasing behaviors are rooted in transaction (I’m giving you this so you will give me something back), obligation (I’m doing this because if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty), compulsion (I’m doing this because I have no idea how not to do this), and loss-aversion (I’m doing this because if I don’t I fear I’ll lose you)

- people pleasing behaviors is based upon an unspoken agreement: “I will over forgive and trespass my own boundaries for you and in return you will make me feel loved, wanted, and needed “. The problem is that others never agreed to this transaction. We may over-give and cater to others needs believing they will then be obligated to give us the love and attention that we crave. This transactional mentality abuse out relationships with piles of invisible debt. After over, giving, people pleasers, often feel exhausted, frustrated, and resentful. When others don’t respond to our giving as we wish they would, we might even demonize them as “rude”, “self-centered”, or “taking advantage of us “. As a result, people pleasing often leaves us feeling disconnected from the very people were trying to “help “

- in contrast to people, pleasing behavior, acts of kindness are rooted in desire (I want to give this to you), goodwill (I’m eager to increase your quality of life because I care about you), choice (I don’t have to do this. I want to do this), and abundance (I’m giving you this because there’s enough to go around)

- research also shows that emotional suppression can contribute to physical illness, increasing the likelihood of heart, disease, GI health complications, and autoimmune disease

- True intimacy requires letting ourselves be seen for who we are and people pleasing is like wearing a mask people the more way people, please, the more we feel painfully, unseen and unknown

- discount your own needs ex: I can just deal with it the way it is. He comments about my weight, but at least I don’t have to go through the pain of dating. I should feel lucky to have him.
Often without even realizing it, we repeat old, negative messages about our needs. If we were told that we should just deal with it or that we were too sensitive. Those messages can become the soundtrack of our judgments towards ourselves. Likewise, if a past partner told us that we were overreacting or demanding every time we expressed a simple need their words may echo long after their departure.
Breaking the people pleasing pattern, requires us to rewrite these narratives. Our old stories judged shamed and belittled us for having needs. Our new stories will normalize our needs and celebrate us for doing the hard, necessary work.

- Our new stories might include: “after many years of self neglect, prioritizing my physical and emotional needs is how I show self-care, love and respect.” “I am allowed to need more than just the bare minimum required to survive. I am allowed to need things that contribute to my sense of overall well-being.” “Other peoples’ struggles do not discount the fact that I too have needs. Tending to my own needs does not mean that I’m dismissing others hardships.” “taking care of myself gives me the energy and strength. I need to show up as a good friend, partner, and family member.”

- people pleasing prevents us from embodying our values because we’re constantly adapting our behavior to appeal to others. We may claim to be value, honesty, assertiveness, and self-respect, but when push comes to shove, we don’t have conviction; gaining others’ approvals feels more important than acting in our integrity.

- self verification theory: we structure our reality to align with our beliefs about who we are and how the world operates. Developing a more positive self concept enhances our relationships with ourselves, expand the actions available to us, and offers a more self loving lens. When we feel more positively towards ourselves, we’re able to receive others’, care, love, and respect.

- resentment, hurt, anger, overwhelmed, and feeling taken advantage of in our relationships can all signal unmet needs. Sometimes we feel resentful because we’ve given more than we’re comfortable giving; sometimes we feel resentful when a person makes false promises or reneges on an agreement.

- resentment tends to signal on me needs for respect, reciprocity, fairness, kindness, or quality.

- chronically venting about the same situation (can represent ongoing distress), repeatedly rehearsing what you wish you said in the past (indication that we didn’t express a crucial feeling/need in the appropriate moment), avoiding a person or community, or ghosting on a connection altogether may indicate that this relationship and it’s current form isn’t meeting your needs.

- to determine unmet needs: ask within. What is my unmet need in this situation? If no answer, try: what would need to change in order to resolve this emotion/behavior? What needs to stop in order for me to feel a sense of well-being? What do I need more of an order to feel secure? Refer to Big List of Reasonable Needs for Support. To determine specific strategies to meet your need answer: what specific actions could meet my need for ___?

- When we feel like others are taking advantage of our time, kindness, or generosity, it’s generally assigned that we have crossed our own internal boundaries, and given past our limits. However, instead of taking responsibility for the fact that we’ve been people pleasing, we might blame others for taking advantage of us and not mind reading our unspoken needs.

- giving voice to our needs with requests is how we show ourselves and others that are needs matter. Request can look like could you please lower your voice when you speak to me would you initiate plans more often? I’m feeling tired. Can I have some alone time can you share with me how you’re feeling? Could you please stop making jokes about that?

- I statement requests include four parts: I feel ___ when you ___ because ___. I need ____. Can you ____?

- the radical transparency approach: it’s hard for me to say this, but I want to be honest with you… Isn’t working for me anymore. Could you instead? I know that in the past I’ve needed… But I’m realizing that my needs have shifted and what I need now is… Can you help I know that in the past I was OK with… But I’m trying to take better care of myself now and I’m realizing that… No longer works for me. Could you please stop…?

- boundaries are recognition that we can’t control what others say or do, but we can control how we respond and what we allow into our environment

- boundaries are not tools to get more of something from someone. We can’t boundary a person into giving us more affection, attention, kindness, or collaboration. We can ask them for more, which is what requests are all about but ultimately boundaries are about separating ourselves from situations that don’t meet our needs or interactions that make us feel unsafe, unseen, or harmed in someway.

- disengaging as a boundary is power based unlike disengaging from a place of people pleasing, which is fear based. When we disengage out of fear, we’re thinking I’m afraid to speak up because I want them to like me, but as a boundary, we are thinking I can’t control how they treat me, but I can control how much negative treatment I choose to endure or I will not spend my valuable time and energy. Debating this once again or dignifying this rude comment with a response

- 3 short-term strategies to disengage: 1) exit the interaction 2) go “ gray rock” - staying silent. Your silence will be saying I will not dignify this interaction with my involvement which is a good boundary strategy Eileen you can’t leave the physical space 3) differentiate - recognize that we are fundamentally separate from others. When we’re less differentiated, we think they must agree with me and approve of me/I can’t tolerate conflict or disagreement but when we are more differentiated, we think we are two separate people. We don’t have to agree on everything. This method works well for interactions with people who have opinions and beliefs that differ from your own.

- 3 making big picture shifts as boundary strategies:
1) decrease intimacy. When someone is unwilling to change their behavior, we can’t change them. We can only decide how close and connected we want to be with them and make big picture adjustments to how frequently we spend time with them; the length of time we spend with them; the method we used to communicate with them; the topics we choose to discuss with them, etc. This method works well for any relationship that you wish to maintain, but in its current form feels overwhelming, tiring frustrating, or otherwise impaired your mental health
2) adjust expectations. If we wish to sustain our relationship, it’s critical that we adjust our expectations of the other person to accurately reflect the reality of how they treat us and their degree of emotional maturity. We feel permanently, disappointed and resentful if we’re constantly measuring the relationship against our imagined ideal. This method works well for relationships that you wish to maintain but feel chronically disappointed by such as relationships with family members.
3) leave the relationship altogether. There’s no calculator to plug in our grievances and receive receive a clear instruction to there go. Here are some questions to help gain clarity: has this relationship consistently caused me more harm than good? Is this relationship having chronic negative impacts on my mental or physical health have I already experienced experimented with different boundaries to make this relationship feel more suitable? Have they failed is the only reason I’m staying in this relationship external (eg to gain others approval, to avoid judgment, to make others happy)?

- when experiencing boundary pushback use the empathize and hold firm method. We might say I understand that this is disappointing for you. I really need this in order to feel safe comfortable or balanced. You can also say I can see that you’re upset. This is important to me and it will help me feel more comfortable in our relationship.Another option is I know that you are hurt by this I care about you and I want our relationship to last. This will help our connection feel more doable for me in the long-term.

- 4 steps for emotional boundaries:
step 1) recognize the urge to take responsibility - signs to look for include trying to fix others problems due to wanting to eliminate their discomfort because it feels as if it was our own, considering changing our behavior in response to a guilt trip even when we’ve done nothing wrong, we’re struggling to agree to disagree, spend too much energy seeking approval for our decisions (example: when making decisions, we may feel the need to call every close friend in our contact list to get their advice. The tiniest hint of doubt, disapproval or disappointment from a loved one stop us in our tracks and makes us question everything we thought we wanted. Chronic approval seeking is a sign that we are disconnected from our own emotional center and need a firmer sense of separateness)
step 2) remember emotional separateness - quote between stimulus and response Liza space. In that space lie, our freedom and power to choose a response. “here are some simple mantras to help: we are two separate people. That does not belong to me. Only my bubble is my responsibility.
step 3) shift our actions with a boundary - emotional boundaries are internal we’re promising ourselves that we will no longer try to fix, solve, or manage other people‘s feelings. Example: before an internal boundary would look like providing solutions to a loved one’s problems. After an internal boundary would look like listening compassionately as they share about their problem and affirming their ability to handle it. Use external boundaries as needed when others are expecting us to manage, solve, or fix their emotions for them we can set an external boundary. For example, if a significant other a friend are venting daily about the same problem, you could say I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time at work. I want to support you and I’d be happy to talk about it once a week but not every dayor I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this at work. I cannot give you any solutions, but I’m happy to listen.
step 4) remember the long-term benefits: we can stay the chorus by remembering how these emotional boundaries will benefit ourselves others in our relationships as a hole in the long-term. We can reflect by asking ourselves what have I lost by taking responsibility for their emotions in the past? How do I neglect my responsibility to myself by feeling overly responsible for their emotions? if I didn’t take on their emotions, how might they be able to grow or develop more independence?

- people pleasing can be a form of trying to control people and situations that are not in our control.

- we have control over our actions or reactions or boundaries who we enter relationships with, who we stay in relationships with, whether we heal or grow, who we spend our time with, and how much time we spend with them who we communicate with and how often we communicate with them

- we do not have control over others actions, others boundaries others reactions others emotions, whether others choose to heal or grow others, relationships, or others, addictions or compulsions.

- when determining how you can redirect your energy, write things that can’t be controlled with something you can control example: I can’t control that ____ is unhappy in our relationship, but I can’t control how I manage my emotions around the fact that he’s unhappy

- find power through surrender: author Elizabeth Gilbert said “you are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control – but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. “

- the key to breaking the people pleasing pattern: feel like your life belongs to you

-- we do not have control over others actions, others boundaries others reactions others emotions, whether others choose to heal or grow others, relationships, or others, addictions or compulsions.

- when determining how you can redirect your energy, write things that can’t be controlled with something you can control example: I can’t control that ____ is unhappy in our relationship, but I can’t control how I manage my emotions around the fact that he’s unhappy

- find power through surrender: author Elizabeth Gilbert said “you are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control – but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. “

- the key to breaking the people pleasing pattern: feel like your life belongs to you

- research shows that how we interpret our emotions directly affects or experience of them. People who judge their emotions as “bad “or “wrong” actually experience those emotions more negatively while people who accept their emotions experiences less pain

-by changing the stories, we tell ourselves about our different emotions we can normalize our growing pains, Medica, or discomfort, and lay the groundwork for a courageous path forward ex: this pain means that I’m strengthening, myself advocacy muscle, this pain means that I’m breaking a generations old cycle, this pain means that I’m finally putting myself first after years of being told I shouldn’t

- normalize the presence of growing pains (fear, guilt, anger) in a healing journey:
1) radical acceptance – clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open kind and loving heart. When we practice, radical acceptance, we paused to acknowledge the feeling instead of self judgment. Simply notice a name what you’re feeling. Allow the current emotional reality to be there, just as it is without changing it. We might verbalize our acceptance by saying something like I welcome this fear because I know I am safe or guilt is a natural reaction to standing up for myself. This is normal or this is the way it is right now and I accept that.
2) Remember the pain of staying the same
3) Remember your deepest why
4) Channel a role model
5) Be a role model
6) Remember that life is short
7) Remember that every no is also a yes. The yes is to something more important - our needs, desires, or sense of self respect
8) Empathize with yourself - resist the legs to over focus on others’ hurt/frustration and instead lay close attention to our own lived experience/why we had the decision, how we feel in our bodies, and what we need in the moment
9) Consider the hidden benefits to the other person - how can self advocacy help the other person in the long term ex: now that I’ve told them what I need, it will be easier for them to meet my needs or they won’t feel pressure to guess my needs or they can choose to change the problematic behavior to improve their relationship with me or now that I’ve told them how I really feel they no longer need to be confused by my inconsistency and avoidance
10) Move your body

[Hailey Van Dyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Didn’t realize how bad I needed to read this book. Letting go of relationships, setting boundaries and maintaining them have been a huge part of my journey lately. This book was so helpful and insightful.

[Belknits · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really solid book about people-pleasing! I related heavily to this book, and I wish I’d had it many years ago.

[Andra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good read, and I felt called out on several occasions, so nice to know there are some non-fiction books that at least slap some sense into me.