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Breaking the Heart Open: The Shaping of a Psychologist
Bestselling author and psychologist Tony Bates has spent his whole career examining and seeking to understand the lives of others. Here, he turns his therapeutic eye on himself and describes the events and people in his own life that have made him the insightful thinker and teacher that he is today.Tony recalls traumatic events in his childhood that reverberated throughout his life for many years and describes how, with therapy and time, he was eventually able to heal those internal wounds. He recounts the stories of people in pain that affected him most deeply and informed both the direction of his work and his philosophy as a psychologist.By interweaving his own life story with reflections on how psychology and society treat people with mental health vulnerabilities, Tony invites us to reflect with compassion on the meaning of emotional struggles in all our lives.'A searingly honest, lucid and inspiring account of a life, moving from deep childhood trauma to the hard-earned wisdom of a wounded healer. A compelling read and remarkable achievement.' Richard Kearney'I was moved by Tony's honesty; humbled by his courage; fascinated by the way he used psychology to make sense of his personal suffering; and inspired by the place he has arrived at this point in his life. Beautifully written, poetic in parts, Tony's book is a treasure trove of wisdom. Everyone should read it.' Alan Carr, PHD'What a generous gift, so typical of Tony, to those who need to know that in their loneliness or depression they are not alone' Dr Mary McAleese'This is an emotional read in which the psychologist bears their own soul and highlights why they are so skilled at their work' Niall Breslin
329 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 28, 2023
15 people are currently reading
49 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
August 7, 2024
Lovely to have a lot of my most strongly held beliefs about psychology and emotional well being reflected back to me. Also the Jigsaw origin story 😅
February 4, 2024
I bought this book over Christmas and was really looking forward to reading it. I used to always read Tony Bates’s articles on the Irish Times with interest and I listen to him any time he is on Radio 1. His voice on radio coupled with his very sound and gentle advice is always so soothing and I always feel it’s grounded in a life of experience, of knowing just what’s needed in those times in our lives when we need balm for our souls and healing for our bodies. I knew then that I was in very safe hands with this book.
Bates begins by sitting with his mother as she died, sharing those intimate last hours with her and how their relationship had come full circle. He then describes his own childhood and early memories and a traumatic loss he experienced as a young child, which was not talked about as was the way, and shortly after, a physical illness that assailed him for which he was isolated under glass in hospital away from his family. And soon after again, his mother, young, confused and traumatised herself, sent him away to relatives for a few months as she found it hard to cope. All of these hugely contributed to a weight of sadness and isolation that would stay in him and manifest as periods of depression. The important mother-child relationship was fractured at a crucial time in his life and it took years of addressing that trauma in himself, through therapy and other approaches to heal and to rebuild his relationship with his mother and father. By the end, he acknowledges that the work is not yet complete…life will always put challenges his way, but he has a resilience, and a range of approaches to deal with what life throws up now. But he is a human, with bad days as well as good.
It is from this vulnerable place, this place of recognition, that Bates approaches all who come his way and he describes really beautifully the therapeutic relationship…how a therapist comfortable enough to sit in silence with another can allow for something else to ‘drop in’: “..after a while I said what came to me in that silence: ‘that’s a very heavy burden to carry’”.
He describes all that is wrong with psychiatry and argues against the over-medicalisation of psychiatric disorders, and also against the over-labelling of disorders of people in distress. Labels can stick like superglue and medication is no easy solution. Life will inevitably throw up bad times with the good. Having tools like mindfulness, simple routines, contact with nature and trusted people in one’s life to get through those bad times is so much more effective in the long run than any medication. “Mental health services need to become places where relationships, meaning and values are given priority over more biomedical approaches to healing.” And later “Many of the problems we currently have in the mental health service are not due to a chemical imbalance but to a power imbalance”.
As a young man, lost in the world, he had a vision for a place where someone in distress like him could go, a safe space where he could open up and know he was not alone. And so, years later, Jigsaw was born, a youth mental health service in Ireland, and safe space for so many young people.
I loved how he talked about mindfulness as “an invitation to step into and feel the flow of life in us in the present moment. It is a call to adventure”. And so he talks about how therapy and mindfulness combined can really help a person weather the storms in their life. Recovery from depression involves this “dance with the unknown”, making small changes that can help us and “being open and trusting ourselves to cope. It is about finding beauty in a wild garden rather than the neatness of a mowed lawn”. While therapy let him uncover and unblock his painful past, mindfulness helped accept and make friends with what he discovered, staying with the discomfort.
I really loved this book, full of wisdom, humanity and sound advice from someone who has walked the walk. One of the biggest takeaways for me was how when we are in distress, we don’t need someone to fix us, we just need someone to be with us. The power of human connection is so strong that just by being with someone in distress and making space for their pain can mobilise them and help strengthen them to get through it and move on. Compassion at its heart, and this book is full of it.
Bates begins by sitting with his mother as she died, sharing those intimate last hours with her and how their relationship had come full circle. He then describes his own childhood and early memories and a traumatic loss he experienced as a young child, which was not talked about as was the way, and shortly after, a physical illness that assailed him for which he was isolated under glass in hospital away from his family. And soon after again, his mother, young, confused and traumatised herself, sent him away to relatives for a few months as she found it hard to cope. All of these hugely contributed to a weight of sadness and isolation that would stay in him and manifest as periods of depression. The important mother-child relationship was fractured at a crucial time in his life and it took years of addressing that trauma in himself, through therapy and other approaches to heal and to rebuild his relationship with his mother and father. By the end, he acknowledges that the work is not yet complete…life will always put challenges his way, but he has a resilience, and a range of approaches to deal with what life throws up now. But he is a human, with bad days as well as good.
It is from this vulnerable place, this place of recognition, that Bates approaches all who come his way and he describes really beautifully the therapeutic relationship…how a therapist comfortable enough to sit in silence with another can allow for something else to ‘drop in’: “..after a while I said what came to me in that silence: ‘that’s a very heavy burden to carry’”.
He describes all that is wrong with psychiatry and argues against the over-medicalisation of psychiatric disorders, and also against the over-labelling of disorders of people in distress. Labels can stick like superglue and medication is no easy solution. Life will inevitably throw up bad times with the good. Having tools like mindfulness, simple routines, contact with nature and trusted people in one’s life to get through those bad times is so much more effective in the long run than any medication. “Mental health services need to become places where relationships, meaning and values are given priority over more biomedical approaches to healing.” And later “Many of the problems we currently have in the mental health service are not due to a chemical imbalance but to a power imbalance”.
As a young man, lost in the world, he had a vision for a place where someone in distress like him could go, a safe space where he could open up and know he was not alone. And so, years later, Jigsaw was born, a youth mental health service in Ireland, and safe space for so many young people.
I loved how he talked about mindfulness as “an invitation to step into and feel the flow of life in us in the present moment. It is a call to adventure”. And so he talks about how therapy and mindfulness combined can really help a person weather the storms in their life. Recovery from depression involves this “dance with the unknown”, making small changes that can help us and “being open and trusting ourselves to cope. It is about finding beauty in a wild garden rather than the neatness of a mowed lawn”. While therapy let him uncover and unblock his painful past, mindfulness helped accept and make friends with what he discovered, staying with the discomfort.
I really loved this book, full of wisdom, humanity and sound advice from someone who has walked the walk. One of the biggest takeaways for me was how when we are in distress, we don’t need someone to fix us, we just need someone to be with us. The power of human connection is so strong that just by being with someone in distress and making space for their pain can mobilise them and help strengthen them to get through it and move on. Compassion at its heart, and this book is full of it.
June 5, 2024
Overall this was a fantastic book, although the flow was a bit disruptive to my reading experience.
For background, Tony is a psychologist in Ireland well known for establishing the Jigsaw youth mental health services.
The first quarter was a powerful telling of his story. This included his journey through periods of mental distress. With this, he does so much to break through stigma whilst skillfully weaving in examples of therapeutic interventions and psychological theories. I could not put it down!!
The second quarter I can best summarize as a series of essays on things like psychosis, depression and diagnoses. As a mental health professional I found these interesting and will be reflecting back on them to better digest Tony’s ideas. I thought the jump from story to essays didn’t flow as well as it could have.
The third quarter shifted again to a bit of storytelling around meditation and mindfulness. I especially liked the stories of setting up mindfulness groups in mental health services.
The last quarter was a range of reflections on building the Jigsaw services and building a humane mental health service system. Again, my brain needed to shift into a new space - one which is really interesting to me professionally but required different brain power.
I have recommended this book to a few colleagues and absolutely loved so much of it. However, the jumps required a bit more focus / refocusing than I expected, hence it not being 5 stars.
For background, Tony is a psychologist in Ireland well known for establishing the Jigsaw youth mental health services.
The first quarter was a powerful telling of his story. This included his journey through periods of mental distress. With this, he does so much to break through stigma whilst skillfully weaving in examples of therapeutic interventions and psychological theories. I could not put it down!!
The second quarter I can best summarize as a series of essays on things like psychosis, depression and diagnoses. As a mental health professional I found these interesting and will be reflecting back on them to better digest Tony’s ideas. I thought the jump from story to essays didn’t flow as well as it could have.
The third quarter shifted again to a bit of storytelling around meditation and mindfulness. I especially liked the stories of setting up mindfulness groups in mental health services.
The last quarter was a range of reflections on building the Jigsaw services and building a humane mental health service system. Again, my brain needed to shift into a new space - one which is really interesting to me professionally but required different brain power.
I have recommended this book to a few colleagues and absolutely loved so much of it. However, the jumps required a bit more focus / refocusing than I expected, hence it not being 5 stars.
February 23, 2024
What a great read, and a fascinating look at the mental health system through the eyes of someone on the inside.
Tony has shared not only his story and the trials that make him so good at his job, but his hopes for positive change that would benefit us all.
Scattered throughout this book are also some great insights on self management as life unfolds.
I really hope his message for change gets heard and quickly!
Tony has shared not only his story and the trials that make him so good at his job, but his hopes for positive change that would benefit us all.
Scattered throughout this book are also some great insights on self management as life unfolds.
I really hope his message for change gets heard and quickly!
April 29, 2024
A very well written book by a psychologist who really knows what he is talking about. Most of our problems date back to our early childhood something that has been reinforced by the author. He had his own brush with mental health issues and understands the problems from the inside. A very honest and open account of the author's own life which contained lots of trauma. For anyone who has ever experienced any mental health issues, this book will give you hope. I found it difficult to put this book down once I started reading it. A great read and a great insight for the reader into what really goes on in peoples minds.
December 30, 2023
4.5. I find this book hits at parts, close to home as someone who has had dealings with depression and attended CBT sessions. It's a good insight to how those who are helping us are feeling themselves.
January 14, 2024
As a trainee psychotherapist this is one of the best books I have ever read. Honest, intriguing and thought provoking
April 16, 2024
A really enjoyable book written by a man who has suffered and cared for others in equal measures.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews