Vows: The Modern Genius of an Ancient Rite

by Cheryl Mendelson

From the bestselling author of Home Comforts comes the story of our wedding vows—what they mean and why they still matter.

In the West, marrying is so thoroughly identified with ceremonial promises that “taking vows” is a synonym for getting married. So, it’s a surprise to realize that this custom is actually a historical and anthropological oddity. Most of the world, for most of history, married without making promises. And there’s a reason for that. Marriage by vow presupposes free choice, and free choice makes a love-match possible. It is a very modern arrangement.

Vows is both a moving memoir of two marriages and a thoughtful meditation on marriage itself. Cheryl Mendelson tackles the sociology of commitment through our most traditional promises and shows why they endure. In considering the kind of marriage these vows entail, she helps answer some of life’s most urgent and personal of Could I, would I, or should I make these promises to someone? Using history and literature, the book describes the parameters of the behavior that traditional vows promise and, in doing so, answers a whole series of other Why did wedding-by-vow arise only in the West? Why are they recited in weddings around the world today? Why have these vows lasted for nearly a thousand years? Why does the kind of marriage promised in the vows survive?

Genres: Nonfiction, History, Relationships, Historical

256 pages, Hardcover

Published May 7, 2024

Reviews

[Jessica Dickenson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been in a reading slump for a few weeks, and this book was exactly what I needed to get out of it.

Cheryl Mendelson balances history, anthropology, science, and psychology on a knifepoint that keeps you engaged throughout the book. I was amazed by how much I learned from such a concise book on vows. She answers why we take marriage vows, why they are so significant, and how somehow we are compelled to follow them.

I loved this book and will reread it again!

[Courtney Johnson]

No idea why this was a top WSJ pick of the year. Much ado about… not much.

[Maddie · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author's opinions are fully unwelcomed here. While the actual history and development of traditional wedding vows was interesting, the majority of the book focuses on the author's opinions on monogamous marriage based on the importance of wedding vows in them and is largely emotional in nature with very little data or research to back up the vague claims. It is actually largely irresponsible of the author to make these claims or even document a history of wedding vows without providing any context into the socio-economic conditions that demanded people make these all important vows to enter into legally binding relationships throughout history. The only time any vague research is provided is into arguments against polyamorous relationships and even then, there is huge bias in the research with very little recognition of correlation vs. causation. It feels a lot like "kids these days!" Facebook posts an aunt would make.

I'm very happy a monogamous marriage gives the author fulfillment in her life. However, this book not only fails to deliver an appropriate argument in favor of monogamous marriage outside of "trust me! It will make you happy because it makes me happy!", but it also fails to recognize wedding vows developed outside of the Western culture such as with Eastern or Jewish traditions and their impact on marriages, which I only know these cultures have different vows because of Four Weddings on TLC so you don't even need to be a sociology nerd to know there's different types of wedding vows that set different expectations in different marriages than the one version presented here in this book.

There also could've been a great conversation about how our current society devalues promises, but the book fails to deliver on that expectation too.

This will probably end up being a book that a well-meaning auntie gifts a bride before her big day that ends up never read and forgotten on the bottom shelf of a bookshelf somewhere. But I read this from the library so no lost money on my part for my effort.

[Pranjal Awasthi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall an interesting book with some quirky facts around Marriage and Wedding vows. The origins of the wedding vows go back to Anglo Saxon England and as the English land gets conquered by the Normans and goes through sociological changes over the centuries, marriage turns from a social secular contract to a religious one under the aegis of the church (first the Vatican then the church of England). We get to see the continuity of vows like "Till Death do us part" , "in sickness or in health" or even the "I do". I didn't know about Thomas Cranmer who could in practical ways be considered the editor of the modern marriage vows and that was interesting history lesson.

History tidbits aside, this book's major premise is the supremacy of the traditional monogamous marriage as an institution and as an idea. It tries to present a statistical, philosophical and anecdotal argument for why relationships fads like Open Marriages, Group Marriages, Polyamory, Polygamy don't (and can't) work realistically and the best structure that we've got for people to establish healthy loving communion between people is the traditional marriage premised on the traditional marriage vows (the last part for Christians and Jews). Cheryl draws from some of the most prolific critics of monogamous marriage - Bertrand Russell, Shelley, Joseph Smith etc and tries to dismantle their arguments in the book. Certainly an interesting read if you find yourself wondering about marriage and the occasional assault it comes under as part of the progressive luxury beliefs often peddled around.

[Rosalind Balasz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was surprised to see that some posts here say this book ignores gay marriage. On the contrary, the author and the book clearly embrace same-sex marriage. First, on p. 8 she supports Obergefell v. Hodges, which recognized a constitutional right to make a same-sex marriage. Then, on the same page, she says that vows are core to all marriages, including same-sex marriages. Here are the actual words:

The modern vows

don't create social, racial, cultural, classist, or sexual exclusions, and they don't erect hierarchies and inequalities of any sort. They actually embrace gay marriage without a single altered word because they are about a certain kind of love--marital love. Morally, formal marriage is freely available to any two people who share that kind of love, whose nature is the subject of this book.... Wedding vows exist to honor and protect marital love.

Her book is explicitly about wedding vows and their promise of love. It's not a general look at marriage. Her point here is that marital love is the same for gay and heterosexual couples and deserves the same respect and protection. Except when she's talking about historical versions of the vows, every word in the book applies to both.

[Andrea Wenger · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book explores the evolution of wedding vows, revealing their unique Western origins. Through historical and literary analysis, the author considers the ideals, implications, and enduring nature of marital promises.

Enlightening and easy to understand, this book has an empathetic tone. It opens a new window on the institution of marriage, and how it benefits society and individuals alike.

Thanks, NetGalley, for the ARC I received. This is my honest and voluntary review.

[Lacinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is now in my Top 5, that’s how much I loved it.
I wasn’t sure what to expect with this, but it exceeded all expectations. I loved the history aspect,there was so much I didn’t know. I did my own research afterwards.

Would I reread: Absolutely.
Would I recommend: I am going to give this a gift to all my engaged friends. I also told my man we can’t get married unless he reads this 😂

[Jackie L · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was curious. I thought wedding vows were becoming a thing of the past, but there seems to be a resurgence. The author delves deep to explain the origins of vows, when they started, how they’ve evolved, and why they persist through today. She also addresses high divorce rates, and breaks down who is getting divorced and why.
Insightful, cited and interesting read.

[Rhonda Lomazow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed reading this book on wedding vows and marriage.The author shares her first marriage when she was very young a rush to marriage her Dad begging her not to get married,and there are many other stories that make up this book on vows.#netgalley #simon&schuster

[Morning Glory]

Interesting history, didn’t need opinion of the merit of the vows but pretty good. Reminded me of bioethics how it showed monogamy’s merits :)
“Shared love is how we mortals live with joy in the face of death.” 159

[Audrey · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some really interesting parts and was shorter, making it worth the read for the good parts. However, the organization was all over, the author didn't hide biases, and the overall theme wasn't well directed. So much potential missed with this read.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at the modern marriage vow and the institution of marriage.