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Published August 1, 2022
"Send someone else to look for her. I'm done watching you destroy the best fucking thing that ever happened to you." "You forget yourself," I said warningly. "I don't need your money, Deck. Not even sure I want your friendship, the way you been acting. You had the sweetest girl I've ever seen, and you shredded her up so you could keep a fucking viper. You know what Nurie is; you know what Willow is. I wish you every bit of misery that bitch is going to bring you. Couldn't happen to a more deserving man." Then Hatch stalked out of my office and I was left with the knowledge that he spoke the absolute truth. I'd sent away the best thing that'd ever happened to me.
Guilt is a new, unwelcome emotion. From the moment I started this with Willow, I hadn't felt right, except when I was with her, ironically. Where Nurie was drama and passion and seething emotions, Willow was calm, serenity and happiness. She was innocence and purity, untouched by the harshness of the world despite having grown up in foster care. Miraculous. Nurie wanted and demanded, looking for ways to fuck with my mind. Willow enjoyed and never, not once, asked for anything. She brought me peace.
Did I honestly think it would lessen her pain if she knew the reasons behind my actions? I knew I was fucked up. The years of abuse, the need to not let my father win had driven me from the first time he'd hit me. Looking back, every single relationship I'd had with a woman had been unhealthy and aimed at getting back at him.
I took off the ring for the first time since she'd slid it onto my finger and looked at it closely. Something was engraved on the inside. I peered at it. 'In your eyes, I found home.' Stunned, I realized why she wanted this ring back. Even more than the words I love you, this statement told me how deeply she felt for me. One night when we'd been talking, she told me what her mother had promised her, how someday she'd find home in a man. Guilt stabbed me like a knife in the heart. I'd made her believe she'd found home, made her think she'd found her forever. Just like my father, I'd damaged another person without a thought as to the pain I was inflicting. Pain didn't have to be delivered just with fists. I didn't deserve Willow.
"I want you," he said simply. "You had me. And then you threw me away." His eyes met mine. "I did. It was the biggest mistake of my life, one I'll do anything to fix." "What you did can't be fixed." "Right now, anything out of my mouth is just going to be noise to you. You'll never know how sorry I am for what I did to you, how I treated you. But I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you." "Until you go back to Nurie." "Again, you're not going to believe me, but I made it clear to Nurie that she and I were done. Forever."
"You shattered me. There's no way all of those pieces can be put back together. Especially not by you." His hand came gently to my jaw and turned my face back to his. "You found home in my eyes, Willow. That's worth fighting for." Shit! Shitshitshit! I could feel the blush taking over my entire body. Damn the rotten bastard. He looked at me and stood. "Get ready, Willow." "For what?" "I'm coming for you, and I won't stop until we both get what we want." "I want you to leave me alone." With a shake of his head, he grinned. "You want me to be your home, and, sweetheart, that's all I want to be."
I hate that my actions and behavior cost me your eyes. I loved the way you'd look at me, your brown eyes so bright and loving and so fucking beautiful I couldn't believe one woman could contain so much sweetness. And I killed that, recognizing your looks for the gift they were and still not being good enough to do the right thing and make myself worthy of you. You never look me in the eyes now. You barely look in my direction. I know I deserve that, but it still destroys me.
I used to think nothing could hurt as much as my father's fists. Then I lost you.
"Sweetheart, I'm so fucking happy we're going to have a baby it isn't even funny. And I know exactly why you didn't want to tell me, so I'm not going to stress you out right now by talking about it. What I am going to do is make sure that you take it easy, get everything you need so you and the baby are safe, and watch over you two like a hawk. And you aren't going to say jack shit about it. We clear?"
Although I wanted to place the sole blame for this on Nurie, I knew, deep down where I didn't want to go, this was all on me. From the moment I'd set my sights on Willow, won her pure love, I'd been playing a game until I suddenly wasn't and it became real. Willow became a person, not a means to an end; she became the woman I loved, not the woman I married for the sake of keeping my company.
I'm hoping your trust can be repaired. I want to prove to you that I will never again lie to you, not even to protect you. Those are just words to you at this point, but I promise I will prove they are true if you'll give me the time. You own me, heart and soul, body and mind, Willow. I'm sorry for all the ways I've hurt you, more than I can express, more than you'll ever know.
I've done a shit job of showing you that I love you. I know that and it makes me ashamed. You are the perfect woman for me. You engraved it on my ring, but the truth is, my Willow, that it was in you that I found home, for the first time in my life. I'm sorry I didn't treasure that like I should have, but I will spend the rest of my life treasuring the person you are, either as my wife or as the woman I'll always love.
"I'm going to try my hardest to be the best father in the world for you, son," I heard Decker's low, deep voice making promises to our boy, who was cradled in his arms. "I promise I'll never hurt you or your mom, and I'll never raise a hand to either of you. I may screw up in other ways, but never like that, I swear it. I'm going to let you know every single day how much I love you and how happy I am that you're my son. You will never doubt that. And you will see me treat your mom right every single day and I'll show you how to cherish the woman you love."