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Stranger in My Skin
Can you imagine cutting away bits of wrist skin with a toenail clipper until it meets the tender sheath of the vein? Alysa Phillips can. This young author, who became entangled with a menacing boyfriend, his cult-leader father, and the deranged vagabond who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart, helps us understand such bizarre acts of harm to one s own body. Growing up in a conventional Utah town with an exacting father who even counts the family's food, she later becomes involved with a polygamous cult and tries to cope with her various traumas through self-mutilation.
284 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2006
30 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
February 22, 2020
I read this in 2018, and am not sure of the dates. I can say truthfully that with hindsight it’s not at all memorable. At the time I read it, I rated it (on paper) ‘somewhat interesting.’
May 18, 2008
Sometimes a book is born from a creative need, from a story caught in a head, a fantasy world that needs to be released. Sometimes a book comes from facts to be taught or a point to be made. And sometimes, every once in a while, a book is born from bravery. These are books that exemplify the power of words, of the sharing of an experience to both release and capture. These are the books that hug our hearts, embrace our souls and make us human. Stranger in my Skin is such a book.
Stranger in my Skin weaves it way through the life of a young woman. Back and forth through time and place Alysa Philips shares the story of her battle for survival. As the child of a Mormon family with a strict, harsh father and yielding mother she grew up in an environment she describes in terms that seem both commonplace and extreme. Her father counts the food his family eats and the gas they use with no exceptions. Her mother accepts this and adds her own brand of rigidity. It is from this background that she meets Joel, the man who will come to haunt her every minute for, what seems like now, forever. Joel is the son of a self identified doctor- a man who believes God has shared only with him the secrets to cure all disease. He uses his sons to help sell this idea of lymphnogenesis (not the real name) . His fervor forms the cult that entraps Alysa into a life of starvation, violence and rigidity.
Joel convinces her that she is ugly, unacceptable and unwanted. He and his cult family control every move of Alysa Her mother refuses to speak to her, "Instead, she emailed me or copied inspirational thoughts and scriptures onto pink cards, decorated them with stickers and left them in my shoes, under my pillow, or in my backpack. Her small notes added pounds to my backpack after I found them, but I never had the courage to throw them away." Alysa is alone to cope with the overwhelming stress of trying to measure up to the impossible as judged by the immovable. Her mother, doctors and teachers all ignore the obvious results of this strain, the bruises and cuts. With more strength than she ever gives herself credit for in this memoir, Alysa is able to leave Joel. Even though he continues to contact her and tries to see her, she is able to stay away. She begins a series of moves as she looks for a place that will be the answer to her search for relief, small town Arizona to Alaska and back. But the pain follows at every step in her journey; it can not be left behind.
This pain and fear in her life oozes out in the blood of her body as she self-injures. She explains she has "cut, burned, gouged and otherwise mutilated more than two hundred times." This is a powerful look at the world that engulfs her in confusion and panic. As she attempts to find out how to cope in a world seems to ignore her drowning, self mutilation becomes her tool for survival. In graphic descriptions Alysa Phillips has the courage to share her struggle though the fog and terror.
The poignant chapter, Afterword, gives a glimpse into the present, the world that still engulfs Alysa today as she tries to organize the past. The realization that she lived in the same cult with the nomadic pair David and Elidah- who becomes the infamous pair that kidnapped and held Elizabeth Smart- is a hard fact for the reader . It is interesting that Alysa does not use any of the true names of the cult or cult members to avoid a potential legal issue, which is telling in itself. The world protects the abusers but at what price to their victims, both past and future.
This book is a triumphant gift that shares its questions and fears with us. It will find its way to those who will see themselves in its pages, those that will find solace through familiarity. Self-mutilation, self-injury is no longer a hidden secret, Alysa Phillips has brought it from darkness to the front and center of society's consciousness. And in the glaring daylight it can be faced.
Stranger in my Skin weaves it way through the life of a young woman. Back and forth through time and place Alysa Philips shares the story of her battle for survival. As the child of a Mormon family with a strict, harsh father and yielding mother she grew up in an environment she describes in terms that seem both commonplace and extreme. Her father counts the food his family eats and the gas they use with no exceptions. Her mother accepts this and adds her own brand of rigidity. It is from this background that she meets Joel, the man who will come to haunt her every minute for, what seems like now, forever. Joel is the son of a self identified doctor- a man who believes God has shared only with him the secrets to cure all disease. He uses his sons to help sell this idea of lymphnogenesis (not the real name) . His fervor forms the cult that entraps Alysa into a life of starvation, violence and rigidity.
Joel convinces her that she is ugly, unacceptable and unwanted. He and his cult family control every move of Alysa Her mother refuses to speak to her, "Instead, she emailed me or copied inspirational thoughts and scriptures onto pink cards, decorated them with stickers and left them in my shoes, under my pillow, or in my backpack. Her small notes added pounds to my backpack after I found them, but I never had the courage to throw them away." Alysa is alone to cope with the overwhelming stress of trying to measure up to the impossible as judged by the immovable. Her mother, doctors and teachers all ignore the obvious results of this strain, the bruises and cuts. With more strength than she ever gives herself credit for in this memoir, Alysa is able to leave Joel. Even though he continues to contact her and tries to see her, she is able to stay away. She begins a series of moves as she looks for a place that will be the answer to her search for relief, small town Arizona to Alaska and back. But the pain follows at every step in her journey; it can not be left behind.
This pain and fear in her life oozes out in the blood of her body as she self-injures. She explains she has "cut, burned, gouged and otherwise mutilated more than two hundred times." This is a powerful look at the world that engulfs her in confusion and panic. As she attempts to find out how to cope in a world seems to ignore her drowning, self mutilation becomes her tool for survival. In graphic descriptions Alysa Phillips has the courage to share her struggle though the fog and terror.
The poignant chapter, Afterword, gives a glimpse into the present, the world that still engulfs Alysa today as she tries to organize the past. The realization that she lived in the same cult with the nomadic pair David and Elidah- who becomes the infamous pair that kidnapped and held Elizabeth Smart- is a hard fact for the reader . It is interesting that Alysa does not use any of the true names of the cult or cult members to avoid a potential legal issue, which is telling in itself. The world protects the abusers but at what price to their victims, both past and future.
This book is a triumphant gift that shares its questions and fears with us. It will find its way to those who will see themselves in its pages, those that will find solace through familiarity. Self-mutilation, self-injury is no longer a hidden secret, Alysa Phillips has brought it from darkness to the front and center of society's consciousness. And in the glaring daylight it can be faced.
December 28, 2007
it was hard for me to get through this book, mostly because of the writing style. it was difficult for me to understand where her "reality shifted" and what was real, her jumps back and forth to her time with the "cult" were confusing. i never really knew where she was, or why she was reacting the way she did. i still don't know what she means when she says her "reality shifted", i still don't fully understand what happened to her. in a way, i don't think she did/does either.
i was slightly annoyed with how she never really took agency herself, but this tends to be common with people who characterize themselves as victims, so. (that was kind of mean of me, but.)
there is one scene where she is clipping away at her skin with toenail clippers and it was the first time i've been actually disturbed at the image that the words created. i don't know why, exactly. also, the mormon fundamentalism seemed too easy to ascribe for everything - why would she fall into with viktor, etc? especially when she doesn't like therapists?
i still don't know if she went into therapy, if she tried her meds. she says she was diagnosed with everything from PTSD and BPD to schizophrenia, and well, frankly, i think there is more than PTSD at work here. her disassociative states are not just because of the PTSD - they really do seem to be part of her personality. but. that's me splitting hairs.
it was okay, but not great. it was hard to follow, as well. the writing was strange in terms of the way things jumped around - like i said, the narrative was hard to follow.
interesting, but nothing essential in any of the categories i tried to classify this book as.
i was slightly annoyed with how she never really took agency herself, but this tends to be common with people who characterize themselves as victims, so. (that was kind of mean of me, but.)
there is one scene where she is clipping away at her skin with toenail clippers and it was the first time i've been actually disturbed at the image that the words created. i don't know why, exactly. also, the mormon fundamentalism seemed too easy to ascribe for everything - why would she fall into with viktor, etc? especially when she doesn't like therapists?
i still don't know if she went into therapy, if she tried her meds. she says she was diagnosed with everything from PTSD and BPD to schizophrenia, and well, frankly, i think there is more than PTSD at work here. her disassociative states are not just because of the PTSD - they really do seem to be part of her personality. but. that's me splitting hairs.
it was okay, but not great. it was hard to follow, as well. the writing was strange in terms of the way things jumped around - like i said, the narrative was hard to follow.
interesting, but nothing essential in any of the categories i tried to classify this book as.
Want to read
October 18, 2007i'm excited to read this book
i can't wait to get to know the characters and follow the drama in their everyday lives
i can't wait to get to know the characters and follow the drama in their everyday lives
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews