Under Pressure: Rescuing Childhood from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting

by Carl Honoré

From the bestselling author of In Praise of Slow comes a fascinating and urgent look at childhood today and how we are raising a generation of overprogrammed, overachieving, exhausted children.

For generations of children, growing up was a pretty simple business: you went to school for a few hours a day, you dabbled in hobbies and sports, and the rest of the time you played. Or maybe you just day-dreamed. Carl Honoré explains how our modern approach to children is backfiring: our kids are fatter, more myopic, more injured, more depressed and more medicated than any previous generation. By using children as a way to relive our own lives, or as a way to make up for our personal shortcomings, we have destroyed the magic and innocence of childhood. Under Pressure is not a parenting manual but a call to action; we must do better for our children.

Using fascinating anecdotes about obsessive parents (including one about the father of a tennis player who drugged all his child’s opponents), solid research and personal insight, Honoré explains the over-parenting phenomenon, dispels myths and rallies for change in clear and persuasive prose. Topics explored include the use of technology as babysitting, how enrolling children in hours of extracurriculars every week can do more harm than good and how we underestimate the resilience of our children at the expense of their freedom.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Education, Psychology, Childrens, Adult, Cultural

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Carl Honoré was born in Scotland, but grew up in Edmonton, Canada. After studying history and Italian at Edinburgh University, he worked with street children in Brazil. This later inspired him to take up journalism and, since 1991, he has written from all over Europe and South America, spending three years in Buenos Aires along the way. His work has appeared in publications on both sides of the Atlantic, including the Economist, Observer, American Way, National Post, Globe and Mail, Houston Chronicle, and Miami Herald. His first book, In Praise of Slowness, was an international bestseller. He is also the author of Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting.

Reviews

[Katerina Charisi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Σε μία μόλις γενιά ο άνθρωπος έχασε ίσως το σημαντικότερο κομμάτι της εξέλιξής του: το ελεύθερο παιχίδι. Οι εποχές που τα παιδιά έβγαιναν το πρωί έξω και γύριζαν τη νύχτα, έχουν χαθεί οριστικά. Τα παιδιά πλέον δεν βγαίνουν να παίξουν, αλλά κλείνουν ραντεβού: Θα πάμε κούνιες στις 6; Τα λέμε στο γηπεδάκι, την Τετάρτη στις 8. Υπάρχει συνεχώς φόβος. Φόβος ότι σε κάθε γωνιά παραμονεύει ένας απαγωγέας, ένας παιδόφιλος, ένας μεθυσμένος οδηγός. Ο φόβος των γονιών είναι ένα αχόρταγο τέρας που τρέφεται από τις σάρκες του. Όμως ακόμα κι όταν τα παιδιά είναι μαζί τους, εκείνοι συνεχίζουν να φοβούνται. Ακολουθούν τα παιδιά με τα μάτια στην παιδική χαρά. Όταν δεν τα βλέπουν ανησυχούν. Σηκώνονται και κοιτάνε τριγύρω με τον πανικό να παραμονεύει. Ψάχνουν και μετά φωνάζουν, σχεδόν σίγουροι ότι τώρα είναι η μέρα που θα συμβεί κάτι κακό. Μέχρι που τα παιδιά εμφανίζονται γελώντας, τρέχοντας και τσιρίζοντας από χαρά πίσω από ένα δέντρο.

Η θλιβερή πραγματικότητά μας είναι πως το μη δομημένο και μη επιτηρούμενο παιχνίδι, το παιχνίδι του μόνο για τη χαρά του παιχνιδιού, έχει εξαφανιστεί. Το τέλος της περιπέτειας στην παιδική ηλικία είναι η στενή παρακολούθηση και η αυστηρή δομή του ελεύθερου χρόνου. Τα παιδιά περνάνε υπερβολικά πολύ χρόνο με τους γονείς τους και ενήλικες που τα επιβλέπουν. Η παιδική ηλικία μεταφέρθηκε και ζει σχεδόν αποκλειστικά μέσα στο σπίτι. Στατιστικές μιλούν για το 90% των παιδικών ημερών μέσα στο σπίτι ή υπό επιτήρηση.

Για τους γονείς, το να ανησυχούν λιγότερο είναι ευτυχία. Για τα παιδιά όμως, είναι καταστροφή. Κι όχι γιατί απλά χάνουν κάτι από τα παιδικά τους χρόνια. Αυτό που χάνουν, θα το καταλάβουν όταν δε θα είναι πια παιδιά. Και δε θα μπορούν να το διορθώσουν. Ο κόσμος μας δεν αναγνωρίζει την αξία του παιχνιδιού. Το θεωρούμε επικίνδυνο ή και περιττό. Αυτομάτως έχουμε μια σειρά από πράγματα που είναι απλά λάθος: Άγχος στα παιδιά. Παιδιά που έχουν ανάγκη από θεραπευτή για να διαχειριστούν το στρες της καθημερινότητας. Έλλειψη πρωτοβουλίας. Αδυναμία συνεργασίας. Έλλειψη εμπιστοσύνης. Και μεγαλώνοντας, συναισθηματική ανωριμότητα. Κοινωνική αναπηρία.

Δεν υπάρχουν και δεν υπήρξαν ποτέ γονείς που να μην φοβούνται για την ασφάλεια των παιδιών τους. Όμως μόνο στις μέρες μας οι γονείς εκθέτουν τόσο απροκάλυπτα τα παιδιά τους στις δικές τους ανασφάλειες, φόβους και άγχη. Δίνουμε κινητά στα παιδιά μας πρώτα για να μπορούμε να τα παρακολουθούμε, και μετά επειδή το χρειάζονται. Πολλά παιδιά φορούν συσκευή εντοπισμού. Οι γονείς ξέρουν πάρα πολλά, έχουν ακούσει πάρα πολλά, είναι τόσα αυτά που συμβαίνουν και προσπαθούν να εξαλείψουν τον κάθε κίνδυνο, χρησιμοποιώντας κάθε μέσο προκειμένου να καθησυχάσουν το άγχος τους. Τα παιδιά δεν έχουν κανέναν απολύτως τρόπο να ξεφύγουν από αυτή την ασφυκτική τροχιά. (Μα η κοπάνα είναι κι αυτή σημαντική!)

Αν είναι επικίνδυνο να παίζει ένα παιδί μόνο του στο πάρκο, πόσο επικίνδυνο είναι να μεταθέτει ο γονιός την εμπιστοσύνη του σε μια συσκευή;

Γιατί να θεωρείται καλύτερο το να βασίζεται ο γονιός στο κινητό αντί στο λόγο του παιδιού του;

Η εμπιστοσύνη που χτίζεται σταδιακά και χρόνο με το χρόνο μεταξύ των γονιών και των παιδιών, αποτελούν τα θεμέλια της εμπιστοσύνης σε όλη την κοινωνία. Αν ο γονιός δεν μπορεί να εμπιστευτεί το παιδί του, τότε το παιδί δεν μπορεί να εμπιστευτεί κανέναν, και τότε τι κοινωνία θα χτίσουν αυτά τα παιδιά σαν μεγαλώσουν;

*Οι παραπάνω σκέψεις είναι κομμάτι άρθρου που έγραψα βλέποντας ένα ντοκιμαντέρ για τη χαμένη παιδική ηλικία στο οποίο ο συγγραφέας του βιβλίου αυτού εξέφρασε τις απόψεις του (κι αμέσως άρχισα να διαβάζω και το βιβλίο του).

Και αυτά σε γενικές γραμμές. Είναι μια προσπάθεια να τονιστεί το πόσο σημαντικό είναι το ελεύθερο παιχνίδι, και πόσο ανούσιο το να αυξάνουμε (οι γονείς και η κοινωνία) τις απαιτήσεις μας από τα παιδιά σε ολοένα και μικρότερες ηλικίες.

Είναι μετρημένα κουκιά οι λόγοι. Ένα κι ένα κάνουν δύο. Η αλήθεια είναι πως παρά το τεράστιο ενδιαφέρον του και την προσεγμένη μελέτη, 250κάτι σελίδες ήταν αχρείαστες, συνεπώς γέμισαν με πολλές επαναλήψεις του ίδιου πράγματος γραμμένο με διαφορετικό τρόπο: Αφήστε τα παιδιά ήσυχα να παίξουν και να χαρούν την ηλικία τους. Τέλος.

Οπωσδήποτε ένα αξιόλογο βιβλίο που μπορεί να τροφοδοτήσει ωραίες συζητήσεις και ίσως σε κάποιους γονείς επαναπροσδιορισμό του τι πρέπει και τι δεν υπάρχει λόγος να κάνουν τα παιδιά τους.

[Sylvester (Taking a break in 2023) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some people feel Honore hasn't done his research well enough. I don't care. When you get a dose of common sense, you know it. This came at a good time for me. I was getting muddled by the weirdness of how people do things. I wasn't brought up this way, and feel lost in the mix. This book reaffirmed my idea of letting kids be what they are, giving them credit for their individual abilities and allowing them as much space and freedom as is safely possible. And safety? There is no such thing. My favorite line in the book - "Giving a child "the best of everything" robs her of the chance to learn how to make the best of what she has."
Thank you to the author - I feel like I've come back to my senses.

[Skylar Burris · Rating 2 out of 5]

This somewhat meandering highly anecdotal book has little new to say about the foibles of modern Western middle-class parenting. (Overscheduling! Not enough free play! Too much academic pressure! Too many electronics!) Each chapter summarizes problems that have been covered in more extensive detail in a variety of other individual books. His chapter on homework, for instance, draws from The Homework Myth and The Case Against Homework (though Honore is actually more balanced than either of these books in his treatment of the subject). His chapter on play touches on issues later covered in detail in the Free Range Kids. Its praise of dance-through-the-halls and learn-from-your-peers education reminds me of any number of Alfie Kohn books. It’s a good introduction to the concept of “the culture of hyper-parenting,” but if you’ve read anything at else at all on the topic, it will probably seem redundant and insufficient.

The constant alarm bells are a bit much. He paints in sweeping strokes a picture of things that I don’t believe are actually happening to the degree he suggests. The average nine year old is not spending seven hours in front of a screen every single day. Western children are not (unlike the oh-so-much-more enlightened children of poverty-stricken third world countries) incapable of creative play. Those middle-class white kids know how to turn sticks into toys and play make-believe too. The average suburban ten year old is not, in fact, enrolled in five extracurricular activities a week. I do think the challenges, flaws, and virtues of the current generation of children and parents differ from those of the last generation, and I’ve read some interesting books on these differences.

Maybe it’s because I’ve already read so much on the subject that I found this book tedious, but I think the tediousness has something to do with the book itself. When you focus on the extremes (the college graduate who brings his mother to a job interview; the 11 year old with a PDA to organize his half-dozen extracurricular), arguments become less convincing. The current generation is always going you-know-where in a you-know-what, isn’t it? There were times when the author came off as an aging baby boomer annoyed that young kids today might actually be conventional and care more about academics and income than radical change. Over-dependency, potential perpetual adolescence, and a yawning sense of entitlement are concerns I share about “these darn kids today.” But conventionalism isn’t. So some of this book resonated with me, and some of it didn’t.

[Trotalomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un libro que invita a la reflexión sobre lo que estamos haciendo con las vidas de las generaciones venideras y, por ende, con las nuestras. Interesará a los padres que quieran cambiar su forma de proceder con sus hijos, a aquellos que sí que estén siguiendo una línea trazada desde la generosidad y no desde la competitividad y, en general, a todas aquellas personas que creen que otro mundo es posible y que los niños y la educación que les demos constituirán el futuro que nos espera como especie. Muy, muy interesante.

[Erick Torres · Rating 5 out of 5]

Este libro no es un mapa de ruta sobre cómo criar a los hijos sino una serie de reflexiones que invitan a examinar cómo estamos criando a nuestro hijos y pasar de buscar de hacer de ellos súper estrellas a ser niños, niños felices, sanos y amados.

“Los niños necesitan que les demos ejemplo, que hagamos sacrificios e impongamos límites… Lo que me propongo es animar a mis hijos a levantar el vuelo pero dejarles escoger la ruta”

[Catherine Allibert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ce livre est intitulé en français "Laissez les enfants tranquilles ! Halte aux emplois du temps surchargés et à la course à la performance". Avec de nombreuses références, Carl Honoré nous montre et nous prouve qu'il n'est pas utile de mettre nos enfants sous pression pour qu'ils réussissent. Il nous parle des jouets, de la technologie, des devoirs, du sport mais aussi de l'évolution de notre monde et nos croyances de parents.
J'aime ce doux sentiment quand, à la lecture d'un livre, les propos nous confortent dans nos convictions. Non, il n'existe pas de recettes pour élever ses enfants, il existe tout au plus des lignes générales de conduite à adapter. Non, un système éducatif qui marche en Finlande ne marchera pas obligatoirement en France, la culture y est aussi pour quelque chose. Non, il n'y a pas d'enfance parfaite, mais petit à petit, on peut changer notre quotidien. J'aime enfin cette phrase dans la conclusion : "Faisons davantage confiance aux enfants." Elle résume parfaitement bien l'esprit de ce livre.
À lire absolument !

[Maureen Haddock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Under Pressure by Carl Honore is not a recipe for raising children in the twenty first century. Rather, it is a discussion about giving children time to become who they were meant to be, on their own. The book gives us permission to live slow. As a grandmother, I love this. The days I remember best are the ones where things simply unfolded. Carl suggests we organize less! He shares many mind bending thoughts like, "Competition can be thrilling for children and spur them on to play better; it can also teach them about winning and losing. . . . . .Too much competition forces children to play to their strengths rather than work on their weaknesses." This book is important for parents, grandparents, educators and coaches to read so they are aware that too much pressure steals childhood from youngsters. Thankfully, the book is still optimistic about our chances of preserving play and exploration. I plan to read this book again soon.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stopped reading this after 60 pages. The books reads more like a sensationalistic rant with outrageous story after story of overparenting. While I'm sure that most are probably accurate, a few struck me wildly false. More problematic is the fact that those stories make up 90 percent of the content. Telling crazy story after crazy story and then writing "your kids don't need flash cards" isn't particularly compelling.

There are many books that address this topic more effectively, and I'd recommend someone interested in this topic look elsewhere.

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I agree that many of Honore's comments about hyper-parenting ring true in today's culture, I felt like he was too concerned with detailing all of the problems with parenting and not really offering suggestions or solutions.

[Lisa Round · Rating 5 out of 5]

All parents and professionals that work with children should read it.

[Ashley Bell · Rating 2 out of 5]

The breadth of this book could have been much shorter; there were way too many anecdotal stories, I ended up skimming through the second half to find the few nuggets in between all the stories.
There are all these books coming out now telling parents to back off, but I don’t think we have to leave our young kids out into the streets alone to do so. There are safer ways to help them learn freedom and independence and let them breathe. I agree with his points about education and extracurriculars and it solidifies my decision to homeschool. However, I think the physical safety part is too extreme in the other direction.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

最近在工作上碰到2件事民眾反映的案子, 內容都是和孩子有關.
第一件, 有位心急如焚的媽媽三天兩頭打電話來說, 某處候車亭的公車到站顯示早上都不會亮, 她的小孩在讀高中, 每天壓力都很大, 早上上學等公車時不知道公車還有幾分鐘會到, 壓力會更大! 因為小孩要準備考試, 很可憐, 請我們幫幫忙趕快修好...
第二件: 有位家長寫電子郵件反映, 他的小孩要去學校 (是某大專院校, 所以他的小孩應該也是成年人了吧), 他幫小孩到網站查公車轉乘資訊, 結果查出來的轉乘建議有錯, 害他的小孩無法順利到校, 可能會被教授駡, 要我們幫忙出具證明是系統的錯誤...
當然, 我們的系統有狀況, 我們就是該處理. 但是看到這兩個事件, 又想到我最近看的這一本書 "慢的教育", 真的覺得現在的家長們很多是保護孩子過頭了, 於是孩子們也減少自己處事應變的學習, 這究竟是愛孩子, 還是害孩子呢!!

[Pierre-Olivier · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lu en diagonale, j’ai arrêter la lecture de l’œuvre environs au milieu. l’auteur y présente des arguments pour une parentalité anti-productiviste. La formule est en structure fragmenté comme si s’était un recueil de nouvelle. Honoré ,qui est journaliste, y présente ses arguments qui sont à la fois naïf et populiste sans vraiment approfondir les thèmes de ses chapitres. Livre médiocre.

[Aimee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Even though it was a bit outdated, still some of the same concerns we have today with raising kids in our society. I didn't get a whole lot out of it other than trying not to hover over my kids so much 🙈

[Kaylee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hit so many feeling I have had as a first time mom. The pressure nowadays is not what I remember when I was a child. A great read to understand that parenting should not be so complicated and rigorous like everyone makes it out to be.

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

Couldn’t finish. Should’ve been truncated to a New Yorker article.

[Zaki Shaheen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Left mid-way because it started getting receptive and non-prescriptive. A good introduction to the slow movement and a general overview of hyper parenting.

[Toni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gleaned a few gems or pithy quotes, but not much was new in reading this. Still glad I did.

[Drew]

Referenced in: There’s No Such Thing As Bad Weather

[Diana Betancourtq · Rating 5 out of 5]

Muy interesante, como evoluciona la paternidad como nos adoramos y como reflejamos. Me gusto muchísimo y me enriqueció mucho mi día día como madre.

[Ellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

"'If things could come from nothing, time would not be of the essence, for their growth, their ripening to full maturity, babies would be young men in the blink of an eye, and full-grown forests would come leaping out from the ground. Ridiculous! We know that all things grow, little by little, as in deed they must, from their essential nature. - Lucretius, first century AD'"

"'Technology... the knack of so arranging the world that we don't have to experience it. - Max Frisch, architect, 1911-91'"

"But there are some basic principles that seem to hold true across the board: too much testing, toil and competition eventually backfires; children learn best when given time and freedom to explore topics that interest them in ways that stretch the imagination; project work that embraces multiple subjects at the same time can deliver richer learning; play and pleasure are an integral part of education; teachers need to be well trained and then trusted to do their job without having to explain and quantify their every move; schools need more power to devise their own curriculum and schedules. In education, as in every other aspect of childhood, we need to step back a little and learn to let things happen rather than try to force them."

"...some basic principles that hold true across class and culture: children need to feel safe and loved; they need our time and attention, with no conditions attached; they need boundaries and limits; they need space to take risks and make mistakes; they need to spend time outdoors; they need to be ranked and measured less; they need healthy food; they need to aspire to something bigger than owning the next brand-name gizmo; they need room to be themselves."

[Adriane Devries · Rating 5 out of 5]

Modern parents have turned childhood into a competitive sport. Even author Carl Honore relates that as a parent he tends to want “to harness that happiness, to hone and polish his talent, to turn his art into an achievement…This is the age of the trophy child.”

It is clear by looking at our culture that we are living out our own psychoses, fears and vicarious dreams through our children, and it costs them and society dearly. As much as our schools and activities interfere, er, intervene, with childhood, more than at any other time in history, we should be getting better results rather than rising childhood rebellion, aggression, addiction, depression, delinquency and stress-induced health complications. Childhood is being ruined by adults, ironically undermining its purpose: to raise adults who can think for themselves and contribute to society. We’re facing a crisis of our own making, and the remedy seems to be, as the old Pink Floyd song lyric says“leave those kids alone!”

Through rich anecdotes and compelling university and medical research, Honore pleads his case that children need time to daydream, time to invent in their bedroom laboratories, time to putter in gardens and for open-ended play with no destination or winner—time to “hold infinity in the palm of their hand.” By providing engaging conversation, literature and play-rich childhoods, and choosing more holistic schooling such as the Reggio style or even homeschooling, we can join Honore in ““saving childhood from the toxic effects of modern life.’”

[Lisa Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you have kids. You should read it. It just makes sense to try to make our kids live more enjoyable, not less. There is too much pressure and too much homework, and kids aren't taught as well as they used to be. They have access to more information, but they don't know what to do with that information. They don't know how to use it and analyze it critically. This is a blanket statement. I realize that. I know there are some kids who are still getting good educations or have figured it out despite mediocre ones. But a lot of things need to change if we want kids who have their own ideas and can back those ideas up. But maybe that's not, as a nation, what we want? It seems someone decided that those are not the skills that children need. Just be grateful he's leaving in 2 weeks.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really one of the best parenting books I've read, probably because 1 ) it agrees with me - LOL and 2) it's not a how-to, at least not in the specific sense.
Honore basically contends that child hood has become too rigid, that, in our quest to make our kids successful, we've stopped allowing them to just be kids - kids who are programmed, on their own, without our meddling and intervention - to discover the environement and learn at their own pace.
I am especially taken by his arguments regarding schooling and what we should / shouldn't expect of 5-year olds. We are looking into a local Montessori school for this very reason, though it's not so clear that we can afford it.
Anyway, well worth the read, especially for those of us who tend to be perfectionists and tend to what our kids to have the best shot at success.

[Aleksandra · Rating 2 out of 5]

What could've been a very interesting comparative pedagogy book with valuable lessons for parents and childcare professionals reads more like yellow journalism compilation.

Terrible sensationalism (four-year-old bitten by a cougar (animal, not woman) that was supposed to entertain kids on a birthday party is relevant to the average parent's life and experience how exactly?) and a lot of bad science (when you manage to get wrong something even Daily Mail got right, you know you have a problem).

There are a few interesting tidbits (of course, it's necessary to check the source for each and every one of them) and the book has a good point, so I've decided to give it two stars instead of one.

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting read. It looks at lots of aspects of kids lives today and questions some of the approaches 21st century parents take. What I liked a lot was that unlike some non-fiction books that try to push a certain message it is not at all preachy and filled with the authors ivory tower opinions. Instead, he has done a ton of research around the world with the book packed with research and stories from parents from a number of countries. Some of the stories and information I found so interesting it prompted me to read more about a number of the schools and grassroots programs he discusses in the book.

Worth reading, even if you're not a parent (I'm not).

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Depressing book about children's current childhoods, and how "helicopter" parents hover over their kids' every breath. Kids have no spontaneity in their lives or freedom to have an imagination any more. It's controlled, one hour one-to-one playdates, formal lessons for everything, tutoring, music lessons, boring, boring, boring. This controlling behavior most likely continues until the parent is dead. The child will seek parental help (financial and otherwise) to find jobs, cars, homes (if they ever leave) and spouses.

What's more hilarious is that this type of controlling parent is typically from the 60's hippie generation!! Pathetic. I couldn't finish it.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. What a great book. The book is essentially a wakeup call to parents, and those who work with children, to re-evaluate how we child-rear. The book discusses how parents and educators have become so competitive and obsessive over our children's lives yet have also ignored the most essential elements of a child's early years - play. The book touches on so many important topics in parenting: education, sports, technology, overscheduling, competition and discipline. Its such a refreshing outlook on childhood, one that Im sure many, many parents will disagree with, but, need to read and change their thinking!!!

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking exploration of the culture of hyper or hover parenting and the damages it can do to kids. Covering everything from flash cards and Baby Einstein to aggressive intervention in schooling and too many extracurricular activities, Carl Honore maps out the ways that we over-manage children and what we can do about it.

Under Pressure takes a global view, showing how alternative outdoor schools in Scotland, for example, can reduce illness in young kids while fostering confidence. Fascinating - highly recommend it to those interested in education or child-rearing.

[Carlos Carrasco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting book. I had the chance to attend a talk given by Carl Horone in which he talked about slowing down in life. To be honest I bought the book because I wanted to have the author sign it for me. I wanted to buy his book "In praise of slowness" but ended up buying "under pressure". I admit I did not know what to expect but I do not regret it. It talks about the pressure that parents put on their kids. It is an invitation to take it easier by reconsidering the way parents educate their children. It is full of testimonies and also interesting research that led to this magnificent piece of work.