You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Bringing Corageous Love to Intimate Relationships

by Richard C. Schwartz

The is the most current book on the Internal Family Systems model of family therapy by IFS expert Richard Schwartz

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development

221 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Richard Schwartz began his career as a family therapist and an academic. Grounded in systems thinking, Dr. Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems (IFS) in response to clients’ descriptions of various parts within themselves. He focused on the relationships among these parts and noticed that there were systemic patterns to the way they were organized across clients. He also found that when the clients’ parts felt safe and were allowed to relax, the clients would experience spontaneously the qualities of confidence, openness, and compassion that Dr. Schwartz came to call the Self. He found that when in that state of Self, clients would know how to heal their parts.

A featured speaker for national professional organizations, Dr. Schwartz has published many books and over fifty articles about IFS.

Reviews

[HannaClara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the only book one needs to read about romantic love (and relationships in general) . Recommend it to anyone who has been in love, is in a relationship or wants be in one. It hides a bit behind examples of fighting couples but behind it lies a tremendous wisdom. I can´t stop thinking about what a different world we would have if everyone knew about IFS! It has been so life altering for me. Basically the book teaches you why you fall for certain people but also how you can heal insecurities and learn to love bravely and with presence, by healing your past wounds.

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book seems to explain everything that’s ever gone wrong in any of my relationships, along with the key to fixing it forever. I hope that’s really true.

The idea is that we each have little hurt parts of ourselves from past pains and trauma, and we couldn’t stand their crying all the time, so we exiled them to the basement of our consciousness. Other parts formed to protect these parts, and we have a whole family/cacophony of voices that act up when anything we don’t like happens.

This explains why things are so great in the beginning of a relationship (the exiled parts and protector parts don’t have anything to be upset about yet, and may have actually chosen the other person for us), why neediness is such a vicious cycle (the needy partner’s based entertainment children start acting up, they remind the other partner of his needy basement children, he can’t stand his own and feels the same about his partner’s so he tries to get away, that makes the needy children feel even more abandoned and act up even more, he runs away even more, etc. I’ve been on both sides of this dynamic, and I’ve felt how completely out of control it gets on the needy side and how utterly repugnant it is on the other side, yet been powerless to do anything about it. But if you realize it’s just parts, and you can calm your own parts and listen to your partner, it doesn’t have to become a vicious cycle.)

It also explains how people seem to suddenly curdle or how it feels like there’s a tipping point where you just suddenly fall out of love. When your parts get triggered, sometimes something happens that moves a whole lot of them over to the anti-this-relationship side all at once, or sometimes your protector parts are just like, “That’s it! No more!” and slam the door shut on the whole thing.

Oh yeah, and why some relationships seem like addiction at first sight? That’s the basement children recognizing someone just like the person who hurt them before and wanting to redo that dance with this new person. And the attraction to someone who seems totally boring with no chemistry at all? That’s the protectors trying to keep you from getting your heart broken again. Neither is something healthy to sign up for. (This insight alone was worth the price of admission!)

The larger problem is that we expect our partners to rescue, caretake, and unconditionally love our parts and basically save us and prove that we’re lovable, but they can’t. That’s why everything ends up so fucked up.

The solution is to become the primary caregiver of our own parts, soothe them ourselves, regain their trust, and teach them that we will take care of them and they’re safe and ok.

It seems like a long road, but worth it.

[Jess the Shelf-Declared Bibliophile · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really loved the way the author spoke about our damaged inner children, and envisioning that child and trying to be what it needed at the time. I've heard this method of psychology in other books, but it's never been as clear as it was from this author. It's a concept I still have trouble fully wrapping my head around, as in I'm not totally sure how to be what I needed in some ways, but I also feel more confident if a conflict arises with my partner or another loved one, perhaps it will give me a good opportunity to completely look at myself to see how I am contributing to the conflict and where I might need to redirect/resolve things differently. Overall, I thought the author did wonderfully (much better than most of these type of books) at giving the reader the tools needed in order to be a better partner, friend, and relative.

[Ville Salmensuu · Rating 5 out of 5]

May lead to life-altering insights. It did for me. They say that to be able to love others, love yourself first. The practical instructions for that truism are in this book. Recommended reading for anyone who feels dissatisfied in a relationship, or without one. Looking for lasting happiness somewhere outside, be it a romantic partner or any other distraction available in the modern society, is doomed to fail. However, by triggering our emotions, our partner can show us the trailheads towards a kind of healing I didn't even realize was there to be done. Authored by the creator of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy method.

[Laz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book!!! It’s been so helpful to me as a couples therapist. This book has meaningfully shifted the way I approach (and pace) relationship therapy as a practitioner and has also helped me better understand some of my own relational patterns. I’ve recommended it to my best friends, my partner, and my ex!! But I think this book could be helpful to everyone. Especially for those who struggle with cyclical relationship conflict, codependence, feeling powerless to triggers, blaming their partner(s), disliking parts of self that emerge in conflict, or feeling confused about their own (or others’) activation, this book really provides a roadmap to turn inward and get curious about what’s happening. I would recommend getting the new 2023 edition, because the previous edition’s section on gender toward the beginning is VERY cis-het and not so relevant to queer and trans people. But if you put that part aside, skip it, or read it with a critical and deconstructionist eye, this book is a real treasure. I find IFS an extremely intuitive and compassionate framework for the internal and interpersonal healing that relationships/partnerships offer us the opportunity to do! Side note: I would also recommend “No Bad Parts” which applies IFS on an individual (rather than interpersonal) level if you aren’t looking for a partnership-focused or relationship-focused journey!

[Emily Magnus · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely life changing book. Felt like therapy. Shoutout Kat for our philosopher convos that lead me to dive deeper into IFS and gain a better understanding for my Self. If you’ve talked to me in the past few weeks I’ve talked about this book. It’s essentially focusing on partners and how couples are told to accommodate and save and hold the other in order to be happy but really this sets us up to fail. When we release the primary responsibility to redeem or change the other, we can better interact.

Summary: many of us have learned from our families and culture to exile our most sensitive parts and intimacy and then we put parts into the basements of our psyches. Because of being exiled those parts starve and in addition from our original attachment injuries those exiles carry extreme beliefs about the kind of person who can save them, what love is and what they deserve in relationships. Because our exiles are so desperate, easily hurt and terrifying to use whenever they are upset, we have other parts to protect them using 3 projects: 1) changing our partner 2) changing ourselves to please our partner or 3) giving up on our partner and distracting/numbing.

🤯

[ConnieC]

Relationships. This book can be bought from it's own website for less than any bookstore or even Amazon. Recommended as one of the best books ever on relationships by Aunt Rita. I like the idea of the title. I understand the topic to be that we need to take care to not focus energies on changing a partner, but instead on changing ourselves and bringing a sound self to the relationship.

[Miles · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary:

Richard C. Schwartz’s You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is a guide for applying Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of psychotherapy to intimate relationships. IFS posits that all people have a multiplicity of subpersonalities called “parts,” each of which has its own perspectives, beliefs, needs, goals, and special place in a person’s “internal family system.” Schwartz argues that romantic relationships are compromised when partners rely on one other to care for their parts in ways they are not able to––the classic “you complete me” paradigm. The solution to this problem is for each individual to learn to be the “primary caretaker” of their parts through a process of internal exploration and dialogue, opening the way to what Schwartz calls “courageous love.”

Key Concepts and Notes:

––Generally speaking, Schwartz displays a keen intellect and compassionate heart about relationship dynamics. Many of the observations and insights in this book will be useful even to readers who do not buy into the whole IFS modality/framework.
––Although I am wary of getting too enthusiastic about any single therapeutic modality at this early point in my career, I have to admit that engaging with IFS has significantly improved both how I conceptualize client cases and work with clients in sessions. I don’t think the notion that people have different “parts” is particularly novel, but I am finding Schwartz’s language and understanding of how parts form and interact to be useful and accessible for my clients. In particular, I have observed that helping clients learn to become the “primary caretaker” of their parts instead of expecting their partners, family members, and/or friends to do so appears to be both liberating and empowering for them.
––One critical component of Schwartz’s model is the concept of the “Self,” which he defines as “a calm, centered state” that allows people to access “something deeper and more foundational than all these conflicting inner warriors––something that spiritual traditions often call ‘soul’ or ‘essence’” or “mindfulness” (8). In the past I have often been allergic to these kinds of ideas, usually because they invoke some supernatural element and/or violate my understanding of current neuroscience, which is that we cannot find any “seat” or “center” where consciousness or “you-ness” manifests in the brain. However, I have become more open to Schwartz’s version of the Self, which is essentially our most mindful, compassionate, and curious part that is the “natural leader” of our internal family system. Indeed, Schwartz posits that learning and embracing “Self-leadership” is the pathway to becoming the primary caretaker of our parts. Two other related skills include maintaining Self-leadership by remaining the “I” in the storm of both inner and outer conflicts, as well as learning to let the Self “speak for” your parts rather than “speaking from” them.
––I also really like Schwartz’s suggestion that our romantic partners can become “tor-mentors”–– companions who precipitate self-inquiry by accidentally causing us to experience challenging and unpleasant emotions. Schwartz characterizes the experience of being triggered by our partner as an “emotional trailhead” on our journey toward greater insight, self-knowledge, and relational connection. He sees a certain level of non-abusive conflict as both inevitable and desirable in romance, and urges readers to focus more on constructing healthy “repair processes” rather than trying to eliminate conflict altogether.
––I think the IFS model syncs nicely with several other psychological concepts that anchor my current therapeutic stance. These include Scott Barry Kaufman’s “healthy transcendence,” Carl Rogers’s “empathic understanding” and “unconditional positive regard,” and Terrence Real’s “relational heroism.” IFS also aligns with the core tenets of Motivational Interviewing and the Buddhist idea of the “Boddhicitta,” which I recently learned about from one of my clients. In one way or another, all of these frameworks focus on helping people achieve healing, growth, and self-actualization not merely for its own sake, but also as an active commitment to improving the welfare of other living beings.
––I had a few critiques of this book that I think are worth sharing. As mentioned earlier, the idea of “parts” isn’t new, despite the hyped-up IFS marketing language. One way to think about “parts” is that they are imaginary personifications of past wounds and coping/defense mechanisms adopted to compensate for or conceal those wounds. These are foundational dynamics that are addressed effectively by a wide range of modalities, so the “added value” of IFS shouldn’t be overstated. Further, treating the “parts” as full characters/subpersonalities might not be ideal for some clients, even if it works well for others. I haven’t gone deep enough yet in my own work to have an opinion about the usefulness of trying to “draw out” different parts and speak to them directly, but I imagine results will vary depending on the particular method(s) and relationship between therapist and client.
––For readers who are concerned with the question of how IFS “stacks up” compared to other modalities, this book will be disappointing. I’m not sure if Schwartz presents such evidence elsewhere, but this book contains not a single study––let alone an established body of research––to demonstrate that IFS produces comparable or better results than other therapeutic approaches.
––Like many books in this genre, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is both very short but also repetitive. The book contains several excellent summaries at the ends of chapters, and many readers could just read those plus the introduction and come away with a solid understanding of the book’s content. It also doesn’t have an index, which I found annoying.
––The one area where I found myself consistently disagreeing with Schwartz was his argument that clients “don’t need to learn communication skills…because your hearts are open and you have access to the qualities of the Self” (92). Schwartz makes this point a few different times and I always found it unconvincing. Sure, some people will communicate effectively once they sooth their vulnerable parts and tap into the Self, but I have a strong intuition that others will still struggle to find the right words even when assuming a Self-led position. The argument that teaching communication skills is unnecessary feels like a cheap way for Schwartz to discredit other modalities that are more focused on the communicative aspects of relationship dysfunction. Perhaps I am being too uncharitable here, but I can’t figure out why Schwartz wouldn’t temper this attitude with something like: “Even after Self-leadership is achieved, some clients will need extra help articulating themselves in a way that feels authentic, and that their partners can also receive.”
––On a final personal note, I’d like to say that IFS has provided me with some very helpful insights about my personality structure. I’m learning that my Self is often profoundly identified/blended with my powerful managerial parts, which can be very useful for getting things done but also harmful to my relationships. I feel like learning to more readily unblend my Self from my fear-based and productivity-driven protector parts is a meaningful and exciting growth horizon for me at this moment.

Favorite Quotes:

When people listen deeply inside, they encounter a host of different feelings, fantasies, thoughts, impulses, and sensations that make up the background noise of our everyday experience of being in the world. When people remain focused on and ask questions of one of those inner experiences, they find that it is more than merely a transient thought or emotion. Within each of us is a complex family of subpersonalities, which I call parts. These parts are the reasons we can simultaneously have so many contradictory and confusing needs. The American poet Walt Whitman got it right in “Song of Myself”: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes).” So do we all contain multitudes. Thus, the Oracle of Dephi’s admonition to “know thyself” should really be to “know thyselves.” (7)

Another kind of happiness exists that you feel steadily whether you are in a relationship or not. It comes from the sense of connectedness that happens when all your parts love one another and trust and feel accepted by your Self. When you have that kind of love swirling around inside you, it spills out to people around you, and those people become part of your circle of love and support. You don’t need intimate others to keep you out of the inner dark sea because that sea has been drained of its pain, shame, and fear. In your inner world, your parts are on dry, solid land and are well housed and nourished. They trust you to be their primary caretaker, which allows your partner the freedom and delight that come with being their secondary caretaker. (18)

The ability to hold the multiplicity perspective about yourself and your partner is enhanced by the simple (but often difficult) act of speaking for, rather than from, your parts. If, when you get angry, you say, “A part of me hates you right now,” your partner gets an entirely different message than if you say, “I hate you right now.” This is not just because the former words remind your partner that it is just a part, not all of you. It is also because in speaking for a part, you have to separate from it to some degree, so what you say doesn’t carry the same level of charge or contempt as when the part totally hijacks you and you speak from it. Later in this book, we will explore in depth this practice of speaking for, rather than from, your parts. For now, the point is that anything that reminds you and your partner that you both have a multiplicity of parts, and that you both have a Self in there somewhere, helps hold connection even during the perfect storms in your relationship. (29)

Our exiles are a buried treasure that, because they are in a state of tremendous pain and need, we experience as toxic waste and remain convinced that if we get near them, we will be contaminated. Everyone around us agrees that we shouldn’t go there and instead should just get over it and not look back. This is because no one understands that what is toxic are the emotions and beliefs the exiles carry––their burdens––not the exiled parts themselves. On the contrary, those parts are the vulnerability, sensitivity, playfulness, creativity, and spontaneity that are the heart of intimacy. How can we expect to enjoy our partner when we’ve buried our joy? When relationships seem bland and tasteless, each partner blames the other without realizing that they both forgot where they hid the spice. (43)

When you have courageous love for your partner, at another level you feel more connected and similar to them than when you were anxious. You understand what the nineteenth century philosopher William James meant when he said at the turn of the century, “Every bit of us, at every moment, is part and parcel of a wider self.” You recognize that at the level of your Selves, you are not different because you are drops of the same divine ocean or sparks of the same eternal flame, part and parcel of the wider Self. It is this realization of connectedness that allows you to give your partner the freedom to grow. (78)

Is it possible not just to pretend to feel confident, compassionate, clear, and calm but to actually be in that state even while you are highly triggered? Because many of us have been socialized to believe that we have only one personality, this idea is foreign: “You are either angry or you are calm. How can you be both at the same time?” Once you get to know your parts and your Self, you understand that it is possible. Your Self becomes the “I” in the storm––the calm center of the inner tornado of your triggered parts and the outer hurricane of upset parts in the people around you. (111)

By getting your parts to relax and trust you to speak for them, you become an empty vessel that can collide with other people without making them feel demeaned, competitive, pushed, repulsed, or otherwise protective. You have emptied your boat of egoistic parts, but calling it empty is misleading because your emptied vessel becomes filled with Self energy. Self energy has a soothing effect on any parts it touches whether they are in you or in another person.

When your parts trust that you will speak for them, they feel less driven to take over and explode at people. What they really want is to have a voice––to be listened to by you and to have their position represented to others. Like people who have not been able to be authentic and fully express themselves, most parts don’t need dramatic, cathartic expression––just acknowledgment and representation. (113-4)

It turns out that our needs are pretty simple: to be seen and embraced, and to see and embrace. When we can clear away enough of the jungle to do that, we find a partner for life whose goal is to support our mutual learning and unburdening. With that blessing comes the joy of knowing we are doing what we are here to do, and we are not doing it alone. (159-60)

This review was originally published on my blog, Words&Dirt.

[Janie Nicholas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ahh, this book! A must-read for every adult navigating an intimate relationship of any kind. For a little background, Richard Schwartz is the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—a model that helps us understand and work with the “parts” within us.

I’ve been lucky enough to do IFS parts work with my amazing therapist (shout out to the grand-daddy therapist herself, Carla!!) for the past five years, and it has completely transformed the way I move through the world. I already loved Schwartz’s book No Bad Parts, so I was thrilled to dive into this one. It brought the work i've been doing full circle—helping me really see how IFS can deepen and strengthen my marriage, friendships, therapy practice, and life in general.

Could not recommend this book (or the audiobook!) enough. An absolute delight!

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would recommend reading "No Bad Parts" before this one to give yourself a basic grounding in IFS concepts, but I found this one to be an even more enjoyable and eye-opening read. Practical, actionable advice for how to figure out what causes recurring conflicts in your relationship(s) and how to do some of the inner healing work necessary to stop those patterns from recurring.

[Alishma · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of wisdom for relationships and self but very drawn out especially for intellectuals already in the psychology realm (such as moi). Author talks about working on urself rather than expecting a partner to fix you and how u can actually do that. I enjoyed it. I think it has important concepts for ppl in relationships to learn.

[Imibroccoli · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got it in audiobook- highly practical, easy to understand and usable model .Love IFS!

[Katie Bruell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This had a lot of good advice. I'm still not on board with the whole talking to your parts bit, but maybe I'll come around.

[Emma Deihl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Schwartz incorporates a palatable balance of clinical language and case examples for those within and outside of the mental health field. I recommend reading Schwartz‘s first book, “No Bad Parts,” prior to reading this one because it provides an overview of Internal Family Systems (IFS) that seems essential to understanding the application of parts work to intimate relationships.

As a clinician, this book provides useful information to support clients in navigating relationship challenges. Through IFS, one can become attuned to the various needs and fears of their own parts and respond to others from a place of “Self-Leadership” (to use Schwartz’s term) rather than from emotional dysregulation and/or externalized blame. I suggest engaging in parts work with the support of a trained clinician; however, the book offers methods to relationship-sustenance and conflict-management that can likely be applied independently.

[Stephen Sumrall · Rating 5 out of 5]

“..their caretaker parts still had a powerful influence which led them to do more than their share at home, in full collusion with their husbands’ entitled parts, while also working outside the home. Those imbalances become combustible when mixed with the chronic disappointment of their husbands’ emotional limitations. The inner battles between women’s caretakers and their assertive parts often built over time until, seemingly out of the blue, their assertive protectors would explode with an intensity that left their husbands stunned.”

“..their partner decides they’ve finally had enough and threatens seriously to abandon them. At that point many men’s protective fortresses crack open and the raw, needy exiles break through and take over. I’ve seen husbands who a day earlier had seemed aloof, totally in control, and independent, transform into desperate, pleading little boys when facing abandonment from their wives. Despite being extremely isolated inside these childlike parts of the husbands were addicted to the little affection from their wives that was allowed to trickle down to these exiles through the walls of protection. The exiles knew that this trickle was all that kept them from a return to utter love starvation and worthlessness. This phenomenon also explains why some men who seem so detached from their spouses are simultaneously so possessive and jealous.”

“Many families have unspoken rules against certain kinds of expressions such that a child’s simple natural exuberance, sexuality, or assertiveness is labeled as showing off, selfish, disgusting, and sinful. To survive in such a family you adopted your family’s attitude toward those parts of you and exiled them too. From those kinds of experiences many of us learned to disdain, stifle, and try to eliminate not only our neediness and vulnerability, but also our liveliness. We locked away our vitality, passion, sensuality and courage because those qualities threatened someone we depended on. I have worked with many clients who were told by their family that they were too much and who had playfulness and daring shamed out of them.“

“Your natural vitality disturbed your caretakers or peers. This happened if one or both of your parents were adherents of a rigid religious tradition that viewed various natural expressions is sinful, afraid to let you grow up and leave them because of being highly dependent on you.”

“Exercise: how did your parents or family react to you when you were vulnerable? When you were lively? When you were hurt and consequently were extreme? How did their reactions affect the way you learned to relate to those parts of you?”

“Unlovable.. The first two happen when parents objectify their kids, view them as something other than who they are. Some parents objectify by conveying that their child is very valuable, even essential, but only in a certain role. Such parents treat their children as surrogate spouses, confidants, or lovers. Trophies, whose performance or appearance should enhance the parent’s egos.. or allies against their enemy spouse. Children of those parents get the message that who they are is not valuable, but that the role they are in is extremely valuable. Such children are in a confusing bind. They are often lavished with attention, special privileges and praise. They come to feel extremely grateful and loyal to their parents, so why do they feel so worthless? ..search desperately for a way to please, but never can, or they give up and put a protective wall around their hearts. Consequently, their survival terror and sense of doom are pervasive.”

“Exercise: you can get some idea of the kinds of extreme beliefs about love and relationships your exiles cary by thinking about your childhood.. For example, how much were you objectified, abused, or made to feel worthless by your parents? How frequently did you have to care for them? What might your exiles believe about love because of those experiences? It is hard, however, to know exactly what your exiles beliefs about love are until you actually listen to them directly. That may not be possible at this point because your protector may not be ready to let you listen to them.. Think of times in your relationship when you felt extremely vulnerable. The feeling might be hurt, shame, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, rejection, neediness, or the drive for redemption. Choose the feeling that comes up most frequently. Focus on your memory of that feeling and see if you can sense where that part is located in or around your body. Notice how you feel toward that vulnerable part of you. Tell any parts that fear or dislike it, that you’re going to get to know it a little better, and ask them to relax and step back. Continue to ask fearful or critical parts to step back, until you feel curious about the exile. Once you feel purely curious, it’s safe to ask the part what it wants you know about itself. Try to listen with an open heart and mind.”

“It maybe one or both of your parents whose respect you sense waning because of your choice of mate. In this case, your abandonment anxiety is focused on parents rather than your partner. But, it is no less fueling of exiling projects aimed at the offending parts of your partner. This is not to suggest that if your partner tells you they’re thinking of leaving you should say “that’s fine dear you do what you need to do”.. It’s important to speak for your affected parts, and to request the changes in your partner that they want. But it’s also important to explore their need for those changes, to the point that you’re sure they aren’t motivated by the factors outlined here. Also, if you remain self led when you make your request, you will be respectful of the part of your partner that, for example, wants to leave.. You aren’t asking them to get rid of the part, but rather to explore whether there might be other ways to take care of it. It is only when you were able to calm your abandonment anxiety, by caring for the parts that cary it, that you can truly love your partner because you can put their growth above your need for security. I call this courageous love. It is rare because western culture.. encourages us to exile rather than embrace those scared parts.”

“..Only because you have been socialized to believe that your partner, not your children, should take care of your parts. When you become the one your parts trust and look to you can have courageous love for everyone. Courageous love also means having the courage to love someone despite the potential for tremendous pain. Many of us who carry deep attachment injuries have protectors that see no good coming from allowing us to care enough for another person that losing them could hurt. These protectors have a variety of strategies designed to keep our needy, vulnerable exiles from fully attaching to our partner. They never let our partner fully enter our heart. The position of many protectors is that the more attached exiles become, the greater the pain when the inevitable end comes. To face the terror of that potential loss and open wide your unguarded heart takes considerable courage. You’ll not have the courage to let your parts strongly attache to another unless they are already attached to you. If your exiles trust that even if you lose your partner, they will have you to help them with the pain of the loss and take care for them in general, your protectors will open the gate. If that isn’t the case, they won’t allow the gate to open and your prospects for real intimacy will be limited. It’s quite a bit easier to seem as though you have courageous love for a partner’s growth if you never really let them in. If you don’t let yourself feel that much for another, you won’t have that much to lose. The challenge is to do both: to love someone intensely, and with abandon, while simultaneously fostering their growth, even if it’s away from you, and accepting their parts. Not many people can do that.”

“‘If a man is crossing a river and an empty boat collides with his skiff, even though he be a bad tempered man, he will not become very angry. But, if he sees a man in the boat, he will shout at him to steer clear. If the shout is not heard, he will shout again and yet again and begin cursing and all because there is somebody in the boat. Yet, if the boat were empty, he would not be shouting and not angry. If you can empty your own boat, crossing the river of the world no one will oppose you, no one will seek to harm you. Such is the perfect man. His boat is empty.’ Thus by getting your parts to relax and trust you to speak for them you become an empty vessel that can collide with other people without making them feel demeaned, competitive, pushed, repulsed or otherwise protective. You have emptied your boat of egoistic parts.”

“This is a common problem when couples fight. Because it is their protectors that do the actual battling, neither ever sees the behind the scenes damage that they’re protectors do. ..That is one reason that revealing your exiles rather than only your protectors creates such an immediate softening. The temptation for the offending partner in situations like that is to promise to control their hurtful parts. Yet, until Kevin could heal his baby, it’s unlikely he could stop his controller from bullying Helen, even with the knowledge of how much it hurt her. If he made that promise and then broke it, Helen would feel betrayed thinking “now he knows how much it hurts me, and yet he still does it”. This is one of the hallmarks of IFS. We don’t expect a protector to change until the exile it protects has been healed, so that the person is in less need of protection. This awareness bypasses so many of the binds that couples enter when they expect their partner to be able to control their protectors, and are constantly disappointed when they can’t. I told Helen not to expect that Kevin‘s controller would be totally out of her life until he had done that work. She replied that she was less vulnerable to it now that she could comfort her parts, but she still didn’t want him in the house until he was further along in his inner work. Kevin now agreed, saying that after this discussion he wanted to get to the point where being alone didn’t bother him as much. This is a good example of the power of parts detecting when couples are in conflict. The simple act of getting each partner to stop, listen inside, and speak for rather than from their parts turned a potential disaster into an opportunity to deepen trust and understanding between them.”

“When you can give yourself at least some of what you need.. your partner’s outbursts appear much more like the childlike tantrums they are, than as threats to your well-being. As a bonus, you become much more attractive to your partner.. John Willwood provides a good summary of this process ‘when I no longer put what is essentially a spiritual longing on my partner, this frees her of a great burden to make my life work, to fill up my abyss, to be the instrument of my salvation. It also frees me to see and love her as a real person, and to appreciate the real gifts she brings into my life.’”

“You can use your relationship to access parts that might take years of therapy to reach: our attachment injuries, that is the exiles that were burdened when you were young and that are looking for redemption. Healing those parts will enrich your life enormously, regardless of what happens in your relationship, and if both of you do this, your relationship becomes a container for tremendous intimacy. You can come home to each other‘s self. Thus, the constant and futile attempts to force your partner to change lead to despair. When you can step out of the automatic dances long enough to use the map to buried treasure that your relationship affords, you have hope. You learn that you don’t need your partner to heal or complete you. And as you heal, it’s not uncommon to discover that things in your relationship that one seemed like huge boulders in your path to intimacy magically shrink into pebbles. But, the concept of partner as valuable tormentor is a hard sell for most of us.”

“When your partner’s protectors have totally hijacked them, and they’re ranting about your faults and saying things that seem to you to be exaggerations, or even fabrications, it is hard not to respond to that energy and content. I used to always take the bait when someone would say something inaccurate about what I had done, and I would respond to correct the content rather than address the hurt feeling that was driving the outburst. I have a part that felt it had to make sure all the facts were correct, as if there were some permanent record of my life somewhere that would be tarnished if I didn’t constantly clarify distortions. Now, in such situations, I can usually catch that part and quickly reminded it that there is no permanent record, and that I don’t have to respond to either the distortions in content or the angry energy. When that protector and the other ones allow myself to stay present, I can hear and see the pain or fear behind the hurtful presentation and can respond to it with compassion. I can also listen for the truths embedded in the exaggerations, the things that I did do and can apologize for sincerely.”

“When one partner says “why do we have to go over that again? I have apologized many times for what I did” it is often because the other partner never received a clean apology, one uncontaminated by the discounting energy of protectors. Protector led apologies often include qualifying phrases like: “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt” and they are quickly followed by a defensive explanation of why you committed the offending act, or how your intentions were good and were misinterpreted. Also, because your protectors wanna get it over with quickly, they often will cut off your partner’s description of what you did before their exiles feel fully understood by you. As a result, they’ll bring it up again, and in a more extreme way until they feel fully witnessed. It is also common for the defending partner to issue an apology, followed by an attempt to get the partner to listen to how they were hurt in another time. “I’m sorry but, what about what you did?” ..When in contrast, you can calm your protectors’ frenzy in your head so you’re able to hear the pain beneath your partners extremes, and can hold your heart open to that pain, you will be moved to find the right words.”

“What your partner wants is the same thing that exiles in general want, it involves three steps. For you to: 1. Compassionately witness what happened from their perspective and appreciate how much they were hurt 2. Sincerely express your empathy for that pain and regret for your role in creating it, no matter how inadvertent 3. Describe the steps you will take to prevent it from happening again”

“In the moment, this may not be as satisfying to your partner’s exiles as something like “I swear I’ll never do that again”. But, you’d be surprised at how healing a statement like this can be: “I can see how often I hurt you by being so critical so I am going to work with that critic to help it stop. It might take a while, but I’m determined to do it because I love you and don’t wanna keep hurting you.” It gives your partner hope because they know that perhaps with help, it is something you can actually do. For you, it continues the sacred process of using your relationship to help you find and unburden parts that keep your heart closed. When you see it that way, apologizing and committing to change no longer feel submissive, they become active and brave steps on the path to personal and relational growth, elements of of courageous love. After receiving a self-led apology many of the victimized partners I work with react with relief, and spontaneously say they are aware that while their hurt was real, they did overreact to it and are sorry about that.”

“But, many couples’ initial infatuation dance took place between two highly burdened parts whose need for each other overrode the better judgment of their two selves. ..Some couples’ unhealthy parts based attachments are so powerful that they have to break them through separation before they can begin to care for their own exiles. Afterward, they can reunite and may find that those same part-to-part connections now are healthy adjuncts to their more complete closeness.”

“Each of these four forms of intimacy: describing parts to each other, self to self relating, part to part relating, and secondary caretaking a.k.a. self to part relating is powerful by itself, but when all four are available in a relationship it takes on a vitality that allows both partners to rest because they know they are home.”

“This inner re-parenting may not be possible, however, in situations in which a client is constantly bombarded by a partner’s scary or demeaning protectors. To create enough safety in such cases, couples may need to separate. When these prerequisites are in place and couples begin to experience one or more of the four kinds of intimacy, they often say that this is all they’ve ever wanted. It turns out that our needs are pretty simple: to be seen and embraced, and to see and embrace. When we can clear away enough of the jungle to do that we find a partner for life whose goal is to support our mutual learning and unburdening. With that blessing comes the joy of knowing we are doing what we are here to do, and that we are not doing it alone.”

[Gregory Eakins · Rating 2 out of 5]

You Are The One You've Been Waiting For is a guide to navigating romantic relationships. It is written by the founder of Internal Family Systems, Richard Schwartz, so it comes from the perspective of the Internal Family Systems model.

The main idea is that you need to rely on yourself for feelings of completeness and fulfilment - not your "other half". You should never expect your partner to complete your life or rely on them for your happiness. Many problems in relationships come not from breakdowns in communications, but one partner's words or actions triggering the "exiles" within the other person (exiles are the parts of you that hole negative emotions like fear and anxiety, usually due to childhood trauma).

To fix your relationship, therefore, you need to disconnect your exiles from your partner. You need to rely on yourself rather than your partner to unburden your exiles.

I don't have a background in IFS, and this is the first book I've read about it - so much of Schwartz's content seems like filler or over explanation of common sense. I do agree with the general idea of working on yourself before working on outside factors. From the standpoint of a therapist, however, this model seems like it might provide a viewpoint that might click with certain clients, and might be a good tool to keep in your back pocket.

[Ola · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kto śledzi moją biblioteczkę ten wie, że książek psychologicznych w niej nie brakuje, nawet zaczęłam czuć pewien przesyt tematem, który zgłębiam z czystej ciekawości i na własny użytek.
Książkę Schwartza polecił mi przyjaciel, który dobrze wie co u mnie, więc pomyślałam, a niech tam, wciągnę jeszcze jeden kawałek psychologicznego kontentu.

Okazuje się, że metoda IFS z zaledwie trzydziestoletnią historią, łączy w sobie różne podejścia (w tym buddyjską uwazność <3) i twórczo je rozwija w sposób prosty, przystępny i przełomowy. Koncepcja złożoności osobowości, występowania w niej wygnańców, obrońców i czystego JA, które obejmuje wszystkie jej części z czułością i zrozumieniem oraz aktywnie wspiera zdrową równowagę między nimi trafiła do mnie błyskawicznie i jeszcze w trakcie czytania zaczęłam z niej korzystać.

Kończę dzisiejszy dzień z przekonaniem, że Schwartz zmienił go na lepszy dla mnie i mojego partnera.

Można się wybrać do terapeuty IFS, ale książka i materiały na polskiej stronie IFS są skonstruowane tak, żeby każdy mógł zrealizować przynajmniej wstępne IFSowe DIY.

[Andria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this was a follow up to "No Bad Parts" but it's actually an updated edition of a previous book by Schwartz. Strangely I think it would be pretty hard to follow without reading "No Bad Parts" but would have benefited from further updates to match the style better, or maybe even incorporate the material from this book into the newer one. I liked the way the exercises were indexed in "No Bad Parts" so it's confusing they didn't do that for this book. It's good material if you're already familiar with IFS or working with a therapist but pretty light on practical applications.

[Namita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Aug 24, 2025 review:
Even better on a re-read! Wish stuff like this was required reading or taught to us in school somehow.


Nov 25, 2024 review:
I feel like this book was written directly to me. It’s another one of those life-changing books that somehow both turns all your beliefs on their head & validates everything you’ve suspected all along. I’m so grateful to the author for developing the internal family systems model. Even just from reading this & no bad parts I feel a greater sense of peace and inner harmony than I’ve ever felt in my life.

[John Girard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an eye opening book. Seems almost like black magic that looking at subpersonalities or “selves” could be therapeutic, but IFS seems to have good outcomes and may even be supported by recent brain science. Was surprising how much it resonated as I applied the lessons and ideas here to my own psyche.

[Marina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to audiobook - pretty good book for work.

[Jeremy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Notes:

+ Exiling projects
1. Try to get our partner to exile the parts of them that threaten us
2. Work to exile the parts of us that we think they don’t like
3. Exile the parts of us that are attached to them


Quotes:

Partners are cut off from their Selves by being raised in a society that is so concerned with external appearances that authentic inner desires are ignored and feared. Into this nearly impossible arrangement is poured the expectation that your partner should make you happy and that if they don’t, something is very wrong.

The myth of the monolithic personality is one of the greatest causes of distance in and dissolution of intimate relationships and awareness of our natural multiplicity is the greatest antidote.

When your partner chronically acts in ways that bother you, you tend to: (1) assume that behavior represents a core personality trait that you’re stuck with and (2) attribute a selfish or pathological motive to the behavior. Because of these monolithic attributions, you will be critical or contemptuous of your partner, and they will respond in kind.

Because you can love all kinds of parts of you, you can love your partner even when they’re acting like those parts. It’s all connected—how you relate internally directly translates into how you relate externally and vice versa.

What is toxic are the emotions and beliefs the exiles carry—their burdens—not the exiled parts themselves. On the contrary, those parts are the vulnerability, sensitivity, playfulness, creativity, and spontaneity that are the heart of intimacy.

These exiles, when they are hurt by something that happens in our lives, have the power to pull us into their despair. We become them, suddenly swallowed up by their pain and shame in terrifying ways.

Human infants are high-maintenance organisms. They require constant attention and effort, remaining dependent on caregivers for an extraordinary period relative to other animals. For some, disapproval can equal death or extreme suffering.

Unlovability and its associated survival terror and drive for redemption are powerful creators of the relationship hells we find ourselves trapped in. To deal with the burden of unlovability, our culture offers two doors: (1) find a redeemer to prove the unlovability wrong or (2) find activities or substances to distract from it (medication, TV, internet, work, shopping, drugs and alcohol, or other addictive behavior). Neither choice ever really works. The irony is that the effective door leads inside to the exiled childlike part that can be retrieved from the past hell in which it is stuck and shown by you that it never was unlovable in the first place.

If you don’t open your heart to your partner because you fear they will leave, they are much more likely to leave than if you did open to them. Once they do leave, your exile’s belief is further confirmed, and you are more likely to create the same dynamic in your next relationship.

Whether or not you experience something your partner does as an attachment reinjury has less to do with the nature of the act and more to do with how much it reactivates the preexisting burdens of your exiles.

The reason couples do their best to avoid talking about attachment reinjuries is because the emotions surrounding such events have been so explosive in the past. The hurt partner feels so upset about the incident that their protective parts erupt in ways that, to an outside observer, often look like an extreme overreaction. The culpable partner becomes scared and defensive, minimizing the impact of their actions and focusing instead on the other’s inability to get over it, which further enrages them, and so on.

An attachment reinjury often sets in motion a process in which the injured partner repeatedly gets further wounded, and the perpetrator feels that they will never be forgiven.

Unlike the parts you exiled when young, neo-exiles once had a great deal of power. They aren’t used to being excluded, and they continue to have loud voices in your inner family despite their loss of influence. If, because of how you interact with your partner, there continues to be no room in your life for them, they can sabotage the relationship… There are many different versions of this neo-exiling dance, all fueled by one or both partners’ abandonment anxiety, which in turn is driven by a sense of worthlessness.

Some partners try to exile their anxiety and become dominated by protectors that don’t let them care deeply about the other or invest much in the relationship. “So what if they leave? I’ll be okay!” With that approach, you won’t wind up in the detective/controller role, and you’ll likely have more power in the relationship because of the rule of least investment: the one who is less invested in the continuation of the relationship can control the terms of it… By acting as though you care less than your partner, you can constantly stir their anxiety and keep them in line. The downside to this strategy is that you wind up numb, cut off from your heart and from your partner’s love, so you’re constantly dissatisfied—which, of course, only increases your partner’s anxiety. And your partner resents your implicit threats.

Too often we succumb to the temptation to clip our partner’s wings so they won’t fly away from us.

It is only when you are able to calm your abandonment anxiety by caring for the parts that carry it that you can truly love your partner because you can put their growth above your need for security. I call this courageous love. It is rare because Western culture, including many psychotherapies and spiritual paths, encourages us to exile, rather than embrace, those scared parts.

When you become the one your parts trust and look to, you can have courageous love for everyone.

At the level of your Selves, you are not different because you are drops of the same divine ocean or sparks of the same eternal flame, part and parcel of the wider Self. It is this realization of connectedness that allows you to give your partner the freedom to grow.

If your exiles trust that even if you lose your partner, they will have you to help them with the pain of the loss and to care for them in general, your protectors will open the gate. If that isn’t the case, they won’t allow the gate to open, and your prospects for real intimacy will be limited.

The challenge is to do both—to love someone intensely and with abandon while simultaneously fostering their growth, even if it’s away from you, and accepting their parts. Not many people can do that.

Improving relationships is not so much about bringing new skills or information into them as it is about healing the wounds that keep hearts encrusted and calloused. A heart, once opened and reenergized, already knows how to be loving and respectful. The trick is getting to the point where each partner feels safe to do that.

It is possible to become the primary caretaker of your own exiles so that your partner is freed up to be their secondary caretaker. Everything improves once this has been achieved. To get there, however, both partners need to be willing to do a U-turn [You-turn] in their focus—from outside themselves to inside—and move from viewing themselves as having a unitary personality to the multiplicity perspective. Then you each can use the inevitable triggers that arise in your relationship as trailheads to follow inside and help the protectors and exiles you find there

You can just ask exiles not to overwhelm your internal system with the emotion they hold as you approach them. Parts can control the degree to which they blend their feelings with a person. Like prisoners in a castle, exiles try to rebel whenever cracks open in their captor’s fortress. They don’t think there’s any other way to get help. But when they trust that we’re coming to help them, they don’t have to overwhelm and can allow people to get quite close without totally blending. Then clients will be able to feel exiled emotions but not to the extent that doing so threatens the system.

This process of identifying and releasing the extreme emotion or belief that a part carries is called unburdening; in IFS, it is equivalent to healing the part. This is because once parts unburden, they often immediately transform into their naturally valuable states, as if released from a spell. When exiles unburden, they become far less vulnerable, so their designated protectors can drop their guard and find new jobs.

If the witness accepts and offers love to the revealer, the revealer feels tremendous relief and delight at having something shameful accepted and feels grateful to the witness. The witness feels greater empathy for the revealer and feels privileged to be allowed into the revealer’s inner sanctum.

The goal of maintaining Self-leadership with someone who provokes you is not to get that person to change, although that is often a fortunate side effect because your Self may elicit their Self. Instead, you interact from your Self for its own sake—for the growth that comes from showing your parts that they can trust you.

By getting your parts to relax and trust you to speak for them, you become an empty vessel that can collide with other people without making them feel demeaned, competitive, pushed, repulsed, or otherwise protective. You have emptied your boat of egoistic parts, but calling it empty is misleading because your emptied vessel becomes filled with Self energy. Self energy has a soothing effect on any parts it touches, whether they are in you or in another person.

When you begin to fight, each of you can: (1) pause, (2) focus inside and find the parts that are triggered, (3) ask those parts to relax and let you speak for them, (4) tell your partner about what you found inside (speak for your parts), and (5) listen to your partner from your open-hearted Self.

In most cases, when one partner has the courage to reveal the vulnerability that drives their protectiveness, the atmosphere immediately softens and the couple shifts toward Self-to-Self communication.

We don’t expect a protector to change until the exile it protects has been healed so that the person is in less need of protection.

The problem with fights is that extreme protectors of each partner tend to terrorize the exiles of the other, adding to the pool of burdens in each person and to the perception of the other as dangerous. If, soon after the fight, each partner can enter Self-leadership, allow the other to speak about the effect of the fight on their exiles, and then deliver a heartfelt apology to those hurting parts, neither walks away with additional burdens.

Generally, what your partner provokes in you is what you need to heal. If, when they hurt you, you can focus inside and go behind the protectors to the exiles they protect, you have a map that will lead you directly to a kind of buried treasure. You can use your relationship to access parts that might take years of therapy to reach—your attachment injuries—that is, the exiles that were burdened when you were young and that are looking for redemption. Healing those parts will enrich your life enormously, regardless of what happens in your relationship. And if both of you do this, your relationship becomes a container for tremendous intimacy… The question is whether we will use the relationship to illuminate dark dungeons we need to clear out or avoid looking in those dungeons by focusing instead on the partner.

Continue to ask [the protective part] what it’s afraid would happen if it didn’t say or do those things, or why those things bother it so much. At some point, the protector will begin to tell you more about why it’s so upset, and you will likely learn about how: (1) it feels exiled by your partner, (2) it protects a part that has been hurt before your partner entered the scene or a part that feels exiled by your partner, or (3) it is polarized with another part of you that it is afraid will take over and dominate your relationship.

The goal is not to talk only when my partner is Self-led. This is because I believe that it is my responsibility to try to hold Self-leadership even when my partner has lost it. If I can do that, often my partner’s Self returns, and my parts gain confidence in my leadership because I showed them that I could handle my partner’s toughest fighters.

Challenging discussions are (1) opportunities to demonstrate to my parts that they can trust me even in the face of serious threat and (2) ways to access, and later heal, key exiles.

While in a conflict, trying to be your partner’s parts detector is a good way to fan the flames. When people are upset, most don’t appreciate being told what they are doing wrong,

I have a part that felt it had to make sure all the facts were correct, as if there were some permanent record of my life somewhere that would be tarnished if I didn’t constantly clarify distortions.

What [our partners] really want is for their exiles to be witnessed by you—to trust that you understand that you hurt them and regret having done that. Unfortunately, most people’s protectors elicit the opposite of what they really want. Your job is to see through their walls and cannonballs to the wounded and terrified childlike exiles they heroically try to protect.

Actually, words matter much less than your energy. Your Self will find a way to convey how sorry you are that your partner is suffering. What your partner wants is the same thing that exiles in general want. It involves three steps—for you to: 1. compassionately witness what happened from their perspective and appreciate how much they were hurt; 2. sincerely express your empathy for that pain and regret for your role in creating it (no matter how inadvertent); and 3. describe the steps you will take to prevent it from happening again.

If it becomes clear that I have done something hurtful, that doesn’t mean that I am bad, that she’ll abandon me, or that I have to suffer. It simply means I need to make a repair.

Each of these four forms of intimacy—describing parts to each other, Self-to-Self relating, part-to-part relating, and secondary caretaking (a.k.a. Self-to-part relating)—is powerful by itself. When all four are available in a relationship, it takes on a vitality that allows both partners to rest because they know they are home.

[Chase Sabadash · Rating 5 out of 5]

This felt like getting electrocuted at high voltage for an extended period of time, can’t recommend enough. I especially liked it because it confirmed many of my personal beliefs. I think that’s because its core argument is that we’re all the same deep down and that there is a correct way to resolve conflict between partners. I found it validating that many of my impulses when repairing conflicts were recommended by the book; kind of proves the point that the Self is ubiquitous and intuitive. Awesome!!

[Joy Self · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Your job is to see through their walls and cannonballs to the wounded and terrified childlike exiles they heroically try to protect.”

Truly obsessed with this book and internally family systems. I believe everyone should read this book, even those not in an intimate relationship.

As a counselor using IFS, I have seen my clients grow so much in just a couple of sessions. I even do IFS work on myself and have seen my confidence in relationships become stronger and stronger!

Please read this book and also his book No Bad Parts!!!

[Simplicity · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. The book goes deeper into using IFS and parts work in romantic relationships, and he uses a lot of good examples/case studies to illustrate common dynamics and issues. It’s good for application if you want to apply it to doing the inner work directly. I just wasn’t sure if one of the couples should’ve remained together given how bad it was. He did acknowledge a disclaimer at some point but didn’t go deeper into that.

[Niamh Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

An intuitive and all-encompassing approach to love and relationships. What I love about IFS is that there are no shoulds or ideals, there is only an encouragement towards fully accepting and trusting your 'Self'. My key takeaway is that with our feet firmly planted in love for all parts of ourselves we can create space to meet the ones we love with openness and acceptance for their parts without having to compromise our own. 

Additionally, acknowledgment of socio-political factors like capitalism and patriarchy adds depth, shedding light on how external influences can detrimentally shape our relationship expectations in a western context. By shifting perspective on what our relationships can provide, both we and our partners can experience liberation from unrealistic standards ingrained by societal conditioning.

Side bar:
Common frustrations in relationship literature include the neglect of addressing domestic violence, a statement I believe every relationship improvement text should make for the safety of those in potentially abusive relationships. Additionally, the extension of heteronormative dynamics to non-heteronormative relationships underscores the insufficient research and accessibility for LGBTQ+ relationships in counselling.

[Annie MacPherson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book should be called "The Multiplicity Perspective" -- its current title is misleading. Much of this was over my head and seemed to be written for clients working closely with a therapist on Internal Family Systems... but the main concept was good and presented an interesting perspective through which to view ourselves and others. Deep stuff and kind of dizzying for a non-professional.

[Charlotte Couch · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful introduction to the IFS world! Thanks to Sarah for the recommendation 🧡

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! Parts language for relationship issues. If only we were all taught this.
Highly recommend

[MJ Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

(On Audio) I thought this book was great for navigating new ways and developing new tools for challenges, hiccups, and conflicts that arise in relationships. The author provided excellent relatable experiences, actionable steps to overcoming, and ties it all together by telling you why it’s beneficial or important.