Carved!

by Buzz Parcher

Have you ever carved a pumpkin? For years, humans have gleefully harvested and mutilated pumpkins, savoring their insides as desserts and illuminating their corpses with goofy, ghoulish grins. But the pumpkins have had enough. With the aid of an evil old witch, the pumpkin demons are rising from purgatory, fueled by bloodlust and a burning desire for revenge. Will the pumpkins succeed in turning the tables, or will humans muster the courage to overcome these vengeful demons? The next time you enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie or craft a jack-o'-lantern, remember You might be the next one to be... CARVED!

211 pages, Paperback

Published October 18, 2023

About the author

Typing your own biography in third person is weird, man.

I'm an indie author living in Ohio. I write in my free time, which isn't much. I'm a Dad to an amazing teenage daughter and work full time at a boring job in a boring office.

I've read all the things you're supposed to do to look like a professional author. I'm so sick of being told to be professional. Fuck that shit.

I'm crass, low class, white trash and I've made my peace with that. I write what I like to write and would want to read.

I really do love to hear from readers. I've had people track me down and message me about how my words made them feel. That's cool as shit to me. Can I say shit here? I guess we'll find out.

ROTTEN is my first published book. It is definitely not for everyone. I did it all myself. There's some formatting mistakes and some missing commas and what not. It can be distracting for some, but I hope the strength of the story overcomes all that.

That's it, I suppose. If you read any of my stuff, write me a review or tell me personally. We are all in this thing together.

See you in Hell, it's where all the cool people are.

Reviews

[Mickey · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Every autumn, my kind is harvested, our flesh hacked and carved simply for the fun it, made into fucking food or displayed for the amusement of others, and then just disposed of. Do you know what it’s like to be tortured mercilessly by a human with a big smile on their face? The entire family, parents and children alike, laughing and stabbing and cutting and laughing some more while scooping your guts out of your body by the handful?”

This was actually quite a fun little read. It's a story of how, after years of being carved, eaten, and used for decoration, the pumpkins finally rise up to get revenge on the human world. Some of it was quite funny and the story itself was pretty good. The story jumped around a lot, going from the present, to the past and back again, then years seemed to pass and then we'd pop back to the past again. It was a little tricky to follow at points because there didn't seem to be any clear indication that it was a different point in time.
This is definitely one to read if you like silly holiday themed horrors.

[Margaret Hamnett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story was unusual and I still can’t make up my mind about it. Some parts were absolutely terrifying and some seemed slightly comical. I can only compare those parts to attack of the killer tomatoes.
I read this book in two sittings and was completely hooked till the end which did not disappoint.
Some parts at the beginning before everything went down were hilarious, including referring to Halloween as a pumpkin holocaust.
The gore was gruesome, the plot certainly original and there was not a slow moment.
This is the second book I’ve read by this author and it is completely different to his Rotten stories but equally as enthralling.

[Mrsgmamma · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had a bunch of different elements thrown together. Picture this, witches, children of the corn, night of the living dead and pumpkin head all rolled into one story. It had parts of humor to it, which made it a good read to me. It had a great amount of gore, slugs, blood and guts, it was just a fun read!! Definitely enjoyed it!

[Chris St.Pierre · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my new favorite for the Halloween season (yes I'm way behind on my reading). Fantastic writing and story with strong characters and pissed off pumpkins make for a bloody Halloween.

[Kate Victoria RescueandReading · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Look at me. I’m rotting away on this psychopath’s porch. This guy murdered my entire family and made me watch. He carved each of us up, slowly and deliberately, with a wicked smile on his face the entire time. He turned my wife and our only child into a fucking pie and then ate them in front of me while he laughed!”

Gruesome and funny, this holiday horror comedy is perfect as a Halloween read! This is my first book by this author, but I’m looking forward to checking out his other books!

[Chris Hookway · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parcher takes us back to his Rotten world with a whole new twisted story or love, sacrifice, deceit, magic and revenge. This one was an absolute page turner, and is tough to put down. His bonkers premise is deliciously and gruesomely realized, in a way that sucks you in from the get go.
This story is simply a modern day Grimm Fairy tale, with twists and turns and an ending that literally changes the world. I highly recommend checking this one out at your earliest convenience. This one is sure to become a Halloween favorite for many. You also will never look at a slug in the same way again.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun, bloody, gory Halloween-themed romp. The story is a bit carved up, as it jumps around back and forth in time and from character to character. Otherwise, it was enjoyable. A good read for the season.

[Erica Fields · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this! Fun & action packed! Let the Pumpkin Gods rise! 🎃