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Too Tired to Fight: 13 Essential Conflicts Parents Must Have to Keep Their Relationship Strong
Decode the 13 conflicts that derail many couples’ communication after kids—like what you’re really saying when you fight about discipline or diapers, and how to work through tough issues together —from popular Instagram counselors Erin Mitchell, MACP, and Stephen Mitchell, PhD
Parenting changes a couple’s relationship in fundamental ways, but most parents are too exhausted from dealing with kids, work, and the demands of life to prioritize their relationship. This can lead to repeated conflict and an overwhelming sense of anxiety, anger, hurt, and even loneliness…just when you need your partner’s support the most. The good conflict is actually a sign you are striving to connect with your mate—you’re just missing the mark.
In Too Tired to Fight , parenting couple Erin and Stephen Mitchell use their over twenty years of counseling experience to walk couples through the 13 conflicts that are not just expected but necessary to keep a partnership strong once kids enter the picture, such
The “My Life Has Changed and Yours Hasn’t” Fight • The “You Don’t Trust Me as a Parent” Fight • The “I’m All Touched Out” Fight • The “I Can’t Do Anything Right” Fight • The “Whose Job Is This” Fight • The “I’m So Stressed” Fight • The “I’m More Tired Than You” Fight • The “Where Do We Spend the Holidays” Fight • The “My Way Is Right” Fight • The “Should I Stay Home With the Kids” Fight • The “Sex Life? What Sex Life?” Fight • The “I Hate Your Family” Fight • The “Why Can’t You Just Get Over It” Fight
In each scenario, they show how this conflict plays out in a family—and offer scripts, exercises, and their “fighting right” equation to transform that conflict into connection, in the moment. Their by intentionally expressing and intentionally listening to your partner—not just venting or reacting to your stress response system—you can work through the “pain points” of parenthood, together , and actually make your relationship happier and healthier as a result.
Parenting changes a couple’s relationship in fundamental ways, but most parents are too exhausted from dealing with kids, work, and the demands of life to prioritize their relationship. This can lead to repeated conflict and an overwhelming sense of anxiety, anger, hurt, and even loneliness…just when you need your partner’s support the most. The good conflict is actually a sign you are striving to connect with your mate—you’re just missing the mark.
In Too Tired to Fight , parenting couple Erin and Stephen Mitchell use their over twenty years of counseling experience to walk couples through the 13 conflicts that are not just expected but necessary to keep a partnership strong once kids enter the picture, such
The “My Life Has Changed and Yours Hasn’t” Fight • The “You Don’t Trust Me as a Parent” Fight • The “I’m All Touched Out” Fight • The “I Can’t Do Anything Right” Fight • The “Whose Job Is This” Fight • The “I’m So Stressed” Fight • The “I’m More Tired Than You” Fight • The “Where Do We Spend the Holidays” Fight • The “My Way Is Right” Fight • The “Should I Stay Home With the Kids” Fight • The “Sex Life? What Sex Life?” Fight • The “I Hate Your Family” Fight • The “Why Can’t You Just Get Over It” Fight
In each scenario, they show how this conflict plays out in a family—and offer scripts, exercises, and their “fighting right” equation to transform that conflict into connection, in the moment. Their by intentionally expressing and intentionally listening to your partner—not just venting or reacting to your stress response system—you can work through the “pain points” of parenthood, together , and actually make your relationship happier and healthier as a result.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published July 9, 2024
87 people are currently reading
3808 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
February 18, 2024
I chose this book because I’ve often been able to relate to this title. Too tired to fight & ready to give up in my relationship.
Reading this book, gave me so much insight on how one can find connection in conflict and how to “fight” fair. One of the major things this book teaches you is how to be humble and not defensive. How to validate your partner’s feeling or experience without having to diminish your own.
My favorite part of this book, was the real conversations between the couples and how they were walked through the 3 steps of each side of the equation to have a positive and genuine outcome that worked for their specific relationships and attachment styles.
I will say, that even though this book is a shorter read than what I’m used to, it took me a lot longer to get through the book and the content than I would have had hoped.
I volunteered to read a copy of this ARC through NetGalley.
Reading this book, gave me so much insight on how one can find connection in conflict and how to “fight” fair. One of the major things this book teaches you is how to be humble and not defensive. How to validate your partner’s feeling or experience without having to diminish your own.
My favorite part of this book, was the real conversations between the couples and how they were walked through the 3 steps of each side of the equation to have a positive and genuine outcome that worked for their specific relationships and attachment styles.
I will say, that even though this book is a shorter read than what I’m used to, it took me a lot longer to get through the book and the content than I would have had hoped.
I volunteered to read a copy of this ARC through NetGalley.
September 25, 2024
Fantastic resource. As a marriage and family therapist, I often see the 13 common conflicts described by the Mitchells. They’ve done great work in providing relatable examples from their own relationship and their clinical work in how to listen and express intentionally, rather than get stuck in defensiveness. I particularly liked the questions for reflection and sample scripts at the end of each chapter that help parents practice having a meaningful, productive dialogue.
August 10, 2024
This was a much needed read. My husband and I don't have kids yet, but I resonated with so many of the situational arguments mentioned in this book. It is so nice that the authors give you examples of the conversations you should have in order to bring up some of the conflicts mentioned. So glad I picked up this book! Highly recommend!
October 5, 2024
I follow Erin Mitchell on Instagram and saw that she and her husband wrote this book, so thought I’d give it a go. Really good info for any married parents to read - you see how common certain themes are in arguments around parenting and how to thoughtfully handle them. I enjoyed it!
December 2, 2024
Great 👍🏽
This book is so well written and filled with so many stories that match what marriage after kids looks like.
This book is so well written and filled with so many stories that match what marriage after kids looks like.
July 3, 2024
I think that any parent can immediately relate to the title of this book. Apparently, the title isn’t the only thing that we can all relate to. The two authors are both couples counselors, and they essentially state that after helping thousands of couples, they have found that most issues can be broken into thirteen common conflict themes. I was somewhere between skeptical and cautiously optimistic before diving in; after all, each family has unique challenges, dynamics, and personalities. Well, it turns out that they know what they’re talking about. Not only did I find myself relating in some way to each scenario, but I also couldn’t think of a single issue in my own experience that wasn’t somehow explored through one of the themes. What struck me the most was the amount of realizations that I made about myself after learning why certain conflicts and emotions arise and by stripping away defensiveness and hearing the other perspective. The information in this book is presented in a very concise and easily digestible way, with clear action plans and strategies. I’m excited to employ these tactics and have these conversations with my partner so that we can use these tough issues as a way to build a stronger connection and model a great relationship for my children.
Thank you to the authors, Penguin Group Putnam, and NetGalley for an advanced reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you to the authors, Penguin Group Putnam, and NetGalley for an advanced reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
February 8, 2024
I chose this book because I’ve often been able to relate to this title. Too tired to fight & ready to give up in my relationship.
Reading this book, gave me so much insight on how one can find connection in conflict and how to “fight” fair. One of the major things this book teaches you is how to be humble and not defensive. How to validate your partner’s feeling or experience without having to diminish your own.
My favorite part of this book, was the real conversations between the couples and how they were walked through the 3 steps of each side of the equation to have a positive and genuine outcome that worked for their specific relationships and attachment styles.
I will say, that even though this book is a shorter read than what I’m used to, it took me a lot longer to get through the book and the content than I would have had hoped.
I volunteered to read a copy of this ARC through NetGalley.
Reading this book, gave me so much insight on how one can find connection in conflict and how to “fight” fair. One of the major things this book teaches you is how to be humble and not defensive. How to validate your partner’s feeling or experience without having to diminish your own.
My favorite part of this book, was the real conversations between the couples and how they were walked through the 3 steps of each side of the equation to have a positive and genuine outcome that worked for their specific relationships and attachment styles.
I will say, that even though this book is a shorter read than what I’m used to, it took me a lot longer to get through the book and the content than I would have had hoped.
I volunteered to read a copy of this ARC through NetGalley.
October 20, 2024
Great concepts covered in this book! I felt very validated as someone in the trenches of new parenthood with my husband.
I gave this 4 rather than 5 stars because of the sentence level writing. It could have used a tighter edit for clarity and accessibility to folks who may not have done a lot of therapy before. Sometimes the “therapy phrasing” really sneaks in there, like “I missed you” in the sense of “I didn’t understand what was going on with you,” but that’s not common usage. Also, the couples' dialogues say things like, “I am noticing that I am feeling…” which is fine intentional language, but just may not sound believable to a reader who isn't used to therapy.
I gave this 4 rather than 5 stars because of the sentence level writing. It could have used a tighter edit for clarity and accessibility to folks who may not have done a lot of therapy before. Sometimes the “therapy phrasing” really sneaks in there, like “I missed you” in the sense of “I didn’t understand what was going on with you,” but that’s not common usage. Also, the couples' dialogues say things like, “I am noticing that I am feeling…” which is fine intentional language, but just may not sound believable to a reader who isn't used to therapy.
July 22, 2024
I highly recommend for any couple once they have had kids and are "in the trenches" with hormones and emotions running high, regardless of how well a couple could they communicate pre-kid(s). I loved the way that they wrote this book. This is a type of book a couple could refer to or read more than once while raising children.
August 15, 2024
So many great nuggets. I felt so heard and it is motivating me to change my mindset on a lot of the things my husband and I bicker about. We have a strong marriage of 20 years, but there's always something that we could work on and this hit a lot of points we are dealing with in our life right now. Very helpful!
July 24, 2024
This book was so helpful! My kids are 4, 8, and 11. Even though we’ve been parenting for over a decade, I learned how to have a better connect with my husband despite our busy work and kids’ schedules. I recommend it for people looking for practical and realistic insight.
August 13, 2024
as a married parent to a toddler, I cannot recommend this book enough, especially the audiobook.
August 14, 2024
This was really easy to follow and the examples and topics covered really resonated. I would say all parents should give this a read, whether or not you think it'll apply to you and your parent.
September 5, 2024
4.5-Star Review of Too Tired to Fight: 13 Essential Conflicts Parents Must Have to Keep Their Relationship Strong by Erin Mitchell
Erin Mitchell's Too Tired to Fight is a refreshing and insightful guide for parents seeking to maintain a strong relationship while navigating the challenges of parenting. Mitchell’s approach is both empathetic and practical, offering a realistic framework for tackling the common conflicts that arise between partners. The book's core strength lies in its honest acknowledgment that disagreements are not just inevitable but necessary for fostering a healthy relationship.
Mitchell breaks down 13 essential conflicts with clear, actionable advice on how to address each one constructively. Her writing is approachable and grounded in real-life examples, making the guidance relatable and easy to implement. What sets this book apart is its emphasis on communication and understanding, helping parents prioritize their relationship while balancing the demands of raising children.
While some sections might feel repetitive for those already familiar with conflict resolution strategies, Too Tired to Fight still offers a valuable perspective on keeping love and connection alive amidst the chaos of parenting.
Thank you for the giveaway read—it was a thoughtful and empowering resource!
Erin Mitchell's Too Tired to Fight is a refreshing and insightful guide for parents seeking to maintain a strong relationship while navigating the challenges of parenting. Mitchell’s approach is both empathetic and practical, offering a realistic framework for tackling the common conflicts that arise between partners. The book's core strength lies in its honest acknowledgment that disagreements are not just inevitable but necessary for fostering a healthy relationship.
Mitchell breaks down 13 essential conflicts with clear, actionable advice on how to address each one constructively. Her writing is approachable and grounded in real-life examples, making the guidance relatable and easy to implement. What sets this book apart is its emphasis on communication and understanding, helping parents prioritize their relationship while balancing the demands of raising children.
While some sections might feel repetitive for those already familiar with conflict resolution strategies, Too Tired to Fight still offers a valuable perspective on keeping love and connection alive amidst the chaos of parenting.
Thank you for the giveaway read—it was a thoughtful and empowering resource!
July 31, 2024
Certainly! Here’s a review you could use for *Too Tired To Fight*:
This book offers a profound understanding of the challenges couples face, particularly when parenting adds an extra layer of complexity.
On a personal level, even though my children are older, the concepts discussed in the book are still highly relevant and have been immensely helpful in my own marriage. It’s reassuring to know that the struggles we face are normal and that there are effective ways to address them.
As a clinician, I’ve found the insights and strategies in this book to be incredibly educational. The practical templates and communication techniques provided are not only grounded in real-world application but also offer a compassionate approach to resolving conflicts.
I'm excited to use this book as a resource to support couples in my practice. It’s a fantastic tool for anyone looking to strengthen their relationship and navigate the complexities of parenting together.
This book offers a profound understanding of the challenges couples face, particularly when parenting adds an extra layer of complexity.
On a personal level, even though my children are older, the concepts discussed in the book are still highly relevant and have been immensely helpful in my own marriage. It’s reassuring to know that the struggles we face are normal and that there are effective ways to address them.
As a clinician, I’ve found the insights and strategies in this book to be incredibly educational. The practical templates and communication techniques provided are not only grounded in real-world application but also offer a compassionate approach to resolving conflicts.
I'm excited to use this book as a resource to support couples in my practice. It’s a fantastic tool for anyone looking to strengthen their relationship and navigate the complexities of parenting together.
September 4, 2024
This book is a must read for parenting partners, but also super helpful for any couple relationship. The authors offer a profound equation for turning any conflict into moments of connection with your partner. My husband and I read this together when it released, and I keep going back to it whenever we find ourselves stuck in a disagreement or when I can’t seem to find the words I need to express how I’m feeling. All of the conflicts the authors explore are relatable and are presented in a way where both partners feel validated in the expression of the conflict. My favorite parts of the book are where the authors give you a look inside a couple’s session where the parenting partners are working their way through the conflict. You get real life examples of how to use the equation to express your true feelings, repair and connect. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to resolve resentment and obtain a deeper connection with your partner.
December 21, 2024
"Unresolved hurt and anger can drain our energy, but healthy engagement with conflict generates energy, sparks connection, and reminds us that we do like our partner and the life we are building together for our family."
The authors argue (see what I did there) that "the goal of conflict is to build connection and repair by resolving the conflict." Their book includes a list of common arguments that parenting partners may have and sample scripts for turning those arguments into opportunities to reconnect and gain a deeper understanding. Surprisingly, there was a lot of withering and after reading this, I still don't know if I ever want to be a parent. Really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to people who are dealing with issues like this.
5 stars for providing realistic, easy-to-read and not-costly solutions for these problems!
The authors argue (see what I did there) that "the goal of conflict is to build connection and repair by resolving the conflict." Their book includes a list of common arguments that parenting partners may have and sample scripts for turning those arguments into opportunities to reconnect and gain a deeper understanding. Surprisingly, there was a lot of withering and after reading this, I still don't know if I ever want to be a parent. Really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to people who are dealing with issues like this.
5 stars for providing realistic, easy-to-read and not-costly solutions for these problems!
March 9, 2025
Great book I rarely rate 5 stars. The authors are a couple with their masters and PHD in psychology and they were struggling to enjoy their relationship after having children. If anyone should figure out how to work this out they both had advanced degrees in psychology, thus they wrote this book to help regular people figure this out. Great examples and the audiobook had actors for the situations and the disagreements between the couples you could hear the genuine emotion in their voices. Highly recommend it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 29, 2025
I think what I appreciated most about this book was the deep sense of understanding that these relationship conflicts are normal, to be expected and can be resolved. While I enjoyed reading the book, to be honest, I’m not sure that the book gave me any practical advice. Each chapter had scenarios that felt perfectly scripted to resolve a problem when we all know the reality that one therapy session doesn’t solve these issues. Of course, I do love the concept of therapy being good for couples and always happy to keep removing the stigmatization.
May 7, 2025
I loved the format of this book with scripted examples of the conflict and resolution, self-reflection questions, and suggestions on how to engage in similar conversations at home. The writing felt effective and right-sized for the topics at hand. The authors were also careful to explain why having each of these conflicts is beneficial to the relationship and how they can go wrong. The audio version was wonderful. Examples were inclusive. Overall I think the advice given will be useful and I highly recommend for anyone with kids or in a caregiving role with others.
September 12, 2025
An insightful and practical book that helps to reframe conflict as an opportunity to connect with your partner in areas that are important to you. The authors go through some of the most common conflicts they have seen when counseling couples who are in the throes of parenting. I recognized myself in almost all of the scenarios they described. Took lots of notes and I’m going to reread with my spouse so that we can go through the question prompts at the end of each chapter. Highly recommend to any married couple raising kids.
February 25, 2025
Not every chapter I resonated with, maybe that means I haven’t had that conflict yet, but if you only read a few chapters out of this book, HIGHLY recommend “my life has changed and yours hasn’t”, “I’m all touched out”, “I am carrying the mental load” and “I’m more tired than you”. These have helped me have more meaningful conversations with my spouse and teaching me better ways to express my feelings when we have conflicts. Now if I could only get my spouse to read this book too….
September 28, 2025
Amazing. Helps to see my own side of the conflict deeper and have more empathy toward my spouse to face an issue side by side rather than opposed. The audiobook narration was incredible. The authors did great and they included other narrators to voice the couples so it sounded like listening in on a session with real and raw emotion. I want to gift this for every baby shower! Very applicable to all couples, especially those navigating transitioning into a young family.
March 12, 2025
Rounding up to 3, but it's probably a 2.5. I have definitely read better. This is not saying I didn't take away from tidbits, but overall not my favorite "parenting" read. Just felt TOO conversational with examples, which I know was probably the point, but it felt a little too canned and general.
May 27, 2024
I have already recommended this book to several people. Where was this guide when we became parents 25 years ago? Even now, I see so many applications, not just in our marriage, but in any conflict where emotions run high. This one is going on my personal bookshelf for future reference.
January 28, 2025
Would make a great gift for anyone becoming parents. Then to read again and again over the years. There were fights that I've had almost word for word before. I did think some of the "real life conversations" were unnatural, but maybe still necessary.
January 5, 2025
Some good advice/dialogue for relationship arguments
February 8, 2025
Solid questions. I didn't find the pretend sessions as useful as the strategies and questions, but based on the merit of the questions at the end of each chapter alone, I would recommend this book.
March 25, 2025
Honestly one of the more relatable parenting/relationship books I’ve read! Some great tools and tips
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews