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Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Seven Secrets to Lifelong Love
Falling in love is natural; sustaining love is unnatural. It requires skills that few of us ever learn, plus the effort to put them into practice.
Drawing on 30 years of following up about what did and didn’t work years after couples took his nationwide “Role Mate to Soul Mate” workshops, The New York Times bestselling author Dr. Warren Farrell solved the two most important barriers to sustaining love: handling personal criticism without becoming defensive; and preventing complacency from replacing passion.
In this book, you’ll learn concrete practices to:
• Appreciate your loved one with creativity, consistency, and with five levels of specificity
• Transform the “Four Depleters of Love” (Criticisms, Complaining, Complacency, and Controlling) into four ways to deepen love
• Master the “Eleven Soulmate Wisdoms”
• Create and sustain both a “Conflict-free Zone,” plus a “Caring and Sharing Practice” to resolve conflicts.
• Play together (“Couples that play together, stay together.”)
• Create concrete, win-win solutions to your stickiest problems
• Apply your new skills to family, friends, colleagues—and even political opponents
Falling in love is natural; sustaining love is unnatural; it requires skills no one learns, and the discipline to implement them. No book blends the art, discipline, and proven concrete practices to overcome the obstacles to a lifelong love better than Role Mate to Soul Mate.
Drawing on 30 years of following up about what did and didn’t work years after couples took his nationwide “Role Mate to Soul Mate” workshops, The New York Times bestselling author Dr. Warren Farrell solved the two most important barriers to sustaining love: handling personal criticism without becoming defensive; and preventing complacency from replacing passion.
In this book, you’ll learn concrete practices to:
• Appreciate your loved one with creativity, consistency, and with five levels of specificity
• Transform the “Four Depleters of Love” (Criticisms, Complaining, Complacency, and Controlling) into four ways to deepen love
• Master the “Eleven Soulmate Wisdoms”
• Create and sustain both a “Conflict-free Zone,” plus a “Caring and Sharing Practice” to resolve conflicts.
• Play together (“Couples that play together, stay together.”)
• Create concrete, win-win solutions to your stickiest problems
• Apply your new skills to family, friends, colleagues—and even political opponents
Falling in love is natural; sustaining love is unnatural; it requires skills no one learns, and the discipline to implement them. No book blends the art, discipline, and proven concrete practices to overcome the obstacles to a lifelong love better than Role Mate to Soul Mate.
- GenresRelationships
240 pages, Hardcover
Published July 30, 2024
11 people are currently reading
140 people want to read
About the author
Warren Farrell
27 books259 followersWarren Thomas Farrell is an American educator, activist and author of seven books on men's and women's issues.
He came to prominence in the 1970s, championing the cause of second wave feminism, and serving on the New York City Board of the National Organization for Women (NOW). However, he left NOW and is now recognized as an important figure in the modern men's movement.
His books cover ten fields: history, law, sociology and politics (The Myth of Male Power); couples’ communication (Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, and Father and Child Reunion); economic and career issues (Why Men Earn More); child psychology and child custody (Father and Child Reunion); and teenage to adult psychology and socialization (Why Men Are The Way They Are and The Liberated Man). All of his books are related to men's and women studies; consistent to his books since the early 90's has been a call for a gender transition movement.
He came to prominence in the 1970s, championing the cause of second wave feminism, and serving on the New York City Board of the National Organization for Women (NOW). However, he left NOW and is now recognized as an important figure in the modern men's movement.
His books cover ten fields: history, law, sociology and politics (The Myth of Male Power); couples’ communication (Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, and Father and Child Reunion); economic and career issues (Why Men Earn More); child psychology and child custody (Father and Child Reunion); and teenage to adult psychology and socialization (Why Men Are The Way They Are and The Liberated Man). All of his books are related to men's and women studies; consistent to his books since the early 90's has been a call for a gender transition movement.
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
March 20, 2025
Underrated. I've always loved straightforward and super practical guides like this one. They can really change lives. So many takeaways from this book. No need to do the whole framework. Just pick even a few concepts to work on that resonate with you, and your relationships (not only romantic) will improve immediately.
January 30, 2025
got like 1-2 things out of it that may apply to my relationship but otherwise not very helpful i thought.
February 14, 2025
A DNF. Heavy on process and the process was extremely dense. Clear to me it was not a life changer. Also felt like it was a book composed of the in person seminar materials and the transition from live to book was clumsy.
November 4, 2025
I signed up to do a relationship workshop at Esalen by Warren. It was recommended highly by a friend, but I didn't know what to expect, other than a weekend escape with my love at a magical place. When I saw the title of the course was something around "Tools to respond to criticism from your partner" we were both like: wow this sounds super useful. And it was. And Warren was just lovely - clearly a master of his craft after teaching this course at Esalen for 20+ years. He finally rolled it all up into this book just last year, but I think if you can manage to take it in person it's probably much more engaging as it's all about workshopping the ideas together.
While there is a lot to the book, I will break down a few of the bigger ideas:
Creative appreciations: This is about giving appreciations to your partner, the more specific the better. In the workshop he had us create 10-15 that we gave to each other at different moments. This is a habit to build and it is surprisingly hard to do well - it takes a lot of thought to do a good one. "panning for gold" is a good technique where you look for things to appreciate when talking to each other. Post it appreciation notes on the bathroom mirror is another one that can add a nice feng shui to the house. And then there is the "memorable appreciation" where you do one that she will remember in 5 years. We went back to our engagement spot (which conveniently was in Big Sur) for that one.
Sharing and caring: This is the key mechanism. When getting defensive in a conversation, instead of criticizing back, hold it, and go journal it. Meditate on it if needed. Then you bring it up in a structured weekly new meeting you have with your partner which Warren calls "Sharing and caring". He give a lot of structure to the meeting so that it's positive and doesn't devolve into arguments. It is required to be a "conflict free zone". If you get triggered in it say "hold" and take a quick break.
Music: He played music before each session, and made us dance. While silly, this upped the mood considerably and should probably be in all our repertoire. We made a playlist on Spotify just for this purpose. Games can play a similar role especially in a family.
An aside: Warren has other books about gender roles which played into this book in interesting ways, as the societal expectations for men and women are very different. I loved this quote: "The commerce of masculinity is the trading of wit."
While there is a lot to the book, I will break down a few of the bigger ideas:
Creative appreciations: This is about giving appreciations to your partner, the more specific the better. In the workshop he had us create 10-15 that we gave to each other at different moments. This is a habit to build and it is surprisingly hard to do well - it takes a lot of thought to do a good one. "panning for gold" is a good technique where you look for things to appreciate when talking to each other. Post it appreciation notes on the bathroom mirror is another one that can add a nice feng shui to the house. And then there is the "memorable appreciation" where you do one that she will remember in 5 years. We went back to our engagement spot (which conveniently was in Big Sur) for that one.
Sharing and caring: This is the key mechanism. When getting defensive in a conversation, instead of criticizing back, hold it, and go journal it. Meditate on it if needed. Then you bring it up in a structured weekly new meeting you have with your partner which Warren calls "Sharing and caring". He give a lot of structure to the meeting so that it's positive and doesn't devolve into arguments. It is required to be a "conflict free zone". If you get triggered in it say "hold" and take a quick break.
Music: He played music before each session, and made us dance. While silly, this upped the mood considerably and should probably be in all our repertoire. We made a playlist on Spotify just for this purpose. Games can play a similar role especially in a family.
An aside: Warren has other books about gender roles which played into this book in interesting ways, as the societal expectations for men and women are very different. I loved this quote: "The commerce of masculinity is the trading of wit."
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews