Sticky, Sexy, Sad: Swipe Culture and the Darker Side of Dating Apps

by Treena Orchard

Lifelong luddite Treena Orchard was a newly sober woman coming off a much-needed break from relationships, reluctantly taking the digital plunge by downloading a dating app. Instead of the fun, easy experiences advertised on swiping platforms, she discovered endless upkeep, ghosting, fleeting moments of sexual connection, and a steady flow of misogyny.

In Sticky, Sexy, Sad, Orchard uses her skills as both an anthropologist who studies sexuality and a sex-positive feminist to explore what it feels like to want love while also resisting the addictive pull of platforms designed to make us swipe-dependent. She asks important questions for those searching for love in the modern What are the social and human impacts of using dating apps? How can we maintain our integrity and warm-blooded desire for intimacy while swiping? Can we resist some of the problematic aspects of swipe culture? Is love on dating apps even possible?

Revealing how dating apps are powerful social and sexual technologies that are radically transforming sexuality, relationships, and how we think about ourselves, this remarkable book cracks the code of modern romance. Told with humor and vulnerability, Sticky, Sexy, Sad is a riveting and inspiring guide to staying true to ourselves amid the digitization of love in the twenty-first century.

Genres: Nonfiction

256 pages, Hardcover

Published May 28, 2024

Reviews

[Wylder]

I did not rlly enjoy this but I feel like kyra would

[Sunni | vanreads · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book felt like a misalignment of my expectations and what it really was. I thought it would be a more academic approach to discussing the ins and outs of dating apps. Instead it felt more like a deep dive into the author’s dating life. There were a lot of stories about her dating life and the references felt like it was coming from a lot of popular news articles (not references to academic studies). Which is fine if that’s what you’re looking for! I was kind of disappointed to see that this is very focused on the cis-gendered, heterosexual, allosexual, white woman experience and not much discussion on anyone else’s dating experience, at least not in depth. I think it will be for a very particular audience, and that’s okay, I just don’t think it was for me.

Thank you to University of Toronto Press for sending this to me for review.

[Dana]

An open and honest look into the world of online dating. This was such a compelling read!

At one point I found myself saying "Nope! Don't go with him. Don't go back to his place!" and then she did and I was TERRIFIED for her!! - But really ... how many of us have found ourselves in the exact same situation?? I know I certainly did. The emotions were STRONG with this read!

I definitely have a deep appreciation for the humourous side of online dating. Why men feel the need to lead a conversation with their dicks will never make sense to me. I never once asked to see their member, swollen or otherwise. No. Just no. It's gross. Don't do it. Ew.

I've had my share of bizarre online dating situations and friends have shared horror stories throughout the years. It's always good to see there is some good too. I prefer the happy endings! (Not that kind! LOL)

My thanks to University Of Toronto Press for my gifted copy.

[Alexia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ok so first off this is a personal account and not a research paper if that’s what you’re hoping for. It’s also unlikely you’ll learn anything new about dating apps in here, but the author does put some interesting observations into words. A few times i was like YES that’s EXACTLY how it is.
HOWEVER the interesting bits are few and far between. I think the editing should’ve been tighter. There are a lot of superfluous sentences and clunky pop culture references that really distracted me. Also the book is interspersed by the author’s really amateurish, dare i say cringey, erotic prose poems. Could have done without those!!

[Justine]

I actually acquired a copy of this book because I had entered a giveaway to win a copy and then the author reached out to me from the giveaway to see if I wanted to read and review her novel. I said yes it sounded super interesting. And then I actually won a copy ahha.
I was initially drawn to this book because of the title and cover. Then I realized it was also CanLit so I was sold. I found it really interesting that it was about dating apps. I have never used a dating app personally for myself, I’ve used Tinder only and me and a coworker would look on our other coworkers Tinder to try and find her dates. It seemed like a fun thing to do but I’m not sure how many of them amounted to anything. I know he wasn’t looking for anything serious so I can see where the predicaments for people end up. They need to be on the same page or someone ends up getting hurt. I really liked that Teena shared her stories with us, I did almost want more details but that’s not my business.
This was a super interesting read for someone who has almost zero experience in the matter.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this mix of lived experience and theory on dating and romance. Treena uniquely captures some key trends in social relationships (swiping, ghosting, etc) and how antithetical they are to our needs and desires. This book will likely be incredibly relatable to anyone using the apps and wondering why it feels so unsatisfying.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this read. Come for the very relatable tales of online dating bad behaviour (read: Unsolicited Dick Picks or UDPs, ghosting, catfishing) and stay for the thoughtful perspectives on the ways we look for dates have changed the way we relate to one another.

[Dan Cassino · Rating 2 out of 5]

Orchard positions this book as an auto-ethnography, but it's much more of a memoir. Her experiences as a pro-sex feminist on Bumble are interesting, and shed some light on how that platform works (and how it fails to live up to its purported feminist leanings), but there's no sense of how generalizeable her experiences on the platform are, both because she's a remarkable person, and because of pandemic years in which she was using the platform. Orchard is funny and smart, and while I sometimes felt like she was making very poor decisions, I could understand where she was coming from. But this didn't give the insight into the functioning of a system that I would hope for out of an ethnographic account, to say nothing of the ethical problems that would result from trying to carry out this sort of work under a modern ethics regime (not saying it's impossible, but I would not want to try this with my IRB).

[Pamela Block · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so excited to be able to listen to Treena Orchard tell her story via audio book and I absolutely loved this book and recommend it to family and friends across the lifespan, especially to those navigating online dating. Orchard provides a candid and genuine look at her experiences and hard-won wisdom that I found illuminating. Her advice and suggestions are valuable. Her stories are entertaining but also contain important lessons often learned the hard way through sometimes painful personal experience.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! Poignant! Relatable! Beautifully written and so insightful!

[Deep Choudhary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Treena Orchard’s Sticky, Sexy, Sad is a compelling examination of the contemporary dating landscape, where the quest for connection often collides with the harsh realities of swipe culture. Orchard, a lifelong skeptic of technology and a recently sober woman, embarks on a journey that many can relate to: diving into the world of dating apps in search of love and intimacy.

What sets this book apart is Orchard’s dual perspective as both an anthropologist and a sex-positive feminist. She doesn’t merely recount her personal experiences; she contextualizes them within broader societal trends, analyzing how digital platforms reshape our understanding of relationships and sexuality. Her approach is refreshingly candid, capturing the myriad emotions tied to online dating—from hope and excitement to frustration and despair.Orchard’s narrative is interwoven with her reflections on the superficial nature of many interactions found on these apps. Rather than the playful connections often promised in advertisements, she confronts the reality of ghosting, fleeting encounters, and pervasive misogyny. This stark contrast is not just a critique of the technology but a deeper inquiry into what these experiences reveal about our desires and vulnerabilities.

Throughout the book, Orchard poses crucial questions that resonate with anyone who has navigated the complexities of modern dating. She challenges readers to think critically about their own relationships with dating apps: How do these platforms influence our self-perception? What are the implications for our emotional well-being? Can we foster genuine intimacy in a landscape dominated by quick swipes and instant gratification?The blend of humor and vulnerability in Orchard’s writing makes her insights all the more relatable. She doesn’t shy away from sharing her own missteps and lessons learned, creating a sense of camaraderie with readers who may feel similarly lost in the digital dating maze.

Ultimately, Sticky, Sexy, Sad is more than just a critique of dating apps; it is an inspiring call to action. Orchard encourages readers to reclaim their desire for authentic connections while navigating the complexities of swipe culture. This book serves as a crucial resource for anyone seeking to understand the intersection of technology and love, making it a timely and necessary read in today’s digital age.

[Janice Forsyth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me seriously laugh and think about the twists and turns of sex and dating in the 21st century. I only used dating apps for a brief moment in time, back in 2012-2013, and even though this book was written ten years after that, it seems not much has changed except that more people are using them; clearly people are looking to connect. What I found interesting was her experience using the apps before and after Covid, and how Covid influenced what she was looking for as a smart, maturing woman who is very well aware of her sexuality but who is also still growing. In fact, her refusal to stand still and adopt one type of womanhood was the best and most liberating part of this story for me. I love it when women embrace who they are - and Orchard does this with flair. The first-person narrative alongside the analysis is a real hook. Her point about the apps turning sex and relationships into a game isn't surprising to me, but I can see how it might be a real eye-opener for many people; she explains this really well. It's important to know that at the end of the day, dating apps are big business and the owners want you to think they have the easy answer to finding good, fun sex ... and maybe love ... Orchard picks apart their grand claims with this relatable read. Even if you don't use dating apps (like me), this pleasurable book is worth picking up for the way it can get you thinking about what you're looking for in this complicated world.

[Melanie Chambers]

Professor Treena Orchard doesn’t fit the mold of an academic—she has wild and wonderful tattoos, she is open about her sex life, and, she writes candidly about it. In her recent foray into digital dating, Sticky, Sexy, Sad similarly breaks the mold. She courageously and open heartedly dates all kinds of men on a platform that is still alien, but all this exploration and research is in pursuit of a giant burning question.

What does it mean to have a hungry sexual appetite in a world that hasn’t quite caught up with women’s sexual narrative?

That we can date the younger men and not be called a cougar; that we can explore sex that is raw and yet emotional, respectful and naughty, simultaneously.

I also love Orchard’s intellectual layers in this book. Her work in conducting research about sexuality, gender and health among marginalized cultural groups is the sprinkling of ‘smarts’ that we need to understand our bodies and desires. It’s also a tender and empathetic memoir that delves into Orchard’s lessons growing up as an energetic, sexual and misunderstood woman in a small town.

All these elements make for a wholistic feminist romp which is a deliciously fun, and smart, read.

[Mansi Ramwani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dating apps promise excitement, connection, and maybe even love—but what happens when they leave you feeling lost instead? Sticky, Sexy, Sad is an eye-opening, brutally honest, and deeply personal exploration of the darker side of swipe culture. Treena Orchard, an anthropologist and sex-positive feminist, dives into the highs and lows of modern dating, sharing her own experiences alongside sharp cultural insights.

From ghosting and casual hookups to the addictive nature of swiping, Treena unpacks how these platforms are reshaping intimacy and self-worth. 😵‍💫💋 But she doesn’t just critique—she also asks important questions: Can we find real love on dating apps? How do we maintain our authenticity in a world of curated profiles? And most importantly, how can we navigate digital romance without losing ourselves? 💭❤️

What makes this book stand out is its mix of humor, vulnerability, and raw honesty. It’s not just a takedown of modern dating—it’s a much-needed reality check for anyone searching for love in a world designed to keep us swiping. If you’ve ever felt exhausted by dating apps, Sticky, Sexy, Sad is the book you didn’t know you needed!

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting view of dating via apps in our time by a writer from my mid-sized city and alma mater. So, that's what's happening here!
Her book is split between dating revelations and academic stuff. The former reads a bit like "Looking For Mr. Goodbar", but without the nasty ending. Her experiences reminded me a bit of my app dating, which was so long ago it was on Lavalife, pre-2010. Not as dramatic, just a some meetings with generally nice, but non-compatible women. Before that, in the personals of the local ads rag, with sad letters from desperate welfare moms and one with a police dept. employee who showed up with an illegal complete background check on me (later fired for doing that to her ex). So I am not a fan of apps. Sorry for interjecting my history, the book dredged up memories.
Where Orchard lost me was the continuous bashing over the head of "the patriarchy", which, as she uses the term, seems to mean what was called "male chauvinism", and which seems a more accurate phrase for what she describes and has been through.
Read it for her experiences, and for the politics if you are so inclined. She seems to be able to hold her own in the dating ring.

[Sonia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not on dating apps, and after reading this book hope never to be on dating apps. Still, as as someone that's been married for 20 years, this book was highly relatable, interesting and a strange mixture of hopeful and sad about where we are as a society. It made me feel hopeful about the younger men who want to be more vulnerable, and sad (and angry) about the misogyny Treena and other women experience so regularly -- and how it's perpetrated so casually.

I liked the personal stories woven into the research. It's incredibly well-researched and Treena has shown clearly that the apps aren't really out to help people find love; rather they are business entities out to make money. I'll be recommending this book to anyone struggling to find love on the apps, and to anyone with an interest in feminism. These apps share so much about how far we've come, and how far we still have to go.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

|| STICKY, SEXY, SAD ||
#gifted @utpress
•
This book originally intrigued me because I know nothing about dating app culture and I was curious to read about what modern dating is like from a woman's point of view. I found this book honest and was overwhelmed at what dating online can be like. Having never experienced it it was very eye-opening. This book is Memoir so it's focused on her personal experience more than a social deep dive into the subject with multiple perspectives from different races and genders. An interesting subject to explore as online dating culture has become the norm.

For more of my book content check out instagram.com/bookalong

[Janelle Hardy · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a relief to read this. The baffling challenges of communicating, connecting and flirting on dating apps are, in the hands of author Treena Orchard, described, researched and explained in a tender, educational and wildly entertaining blend of personal online dating stories embedded inside deeply researched cultural and societal context. I highly recommend this book for everyone navigating dating in the 2020s, or for those who want to understand what their friends and family are going through!

[Marc Raymond · Rating 3 out of 5]

A tough book to review, in that some aspects are quite interesting, especially the auto-ethnography and learning about the world of dating apps, of which I’m almost completely ignorant (I’m curious what app vets would think). However, I found some sections very poorly written (the sections in italics are particularly painful) and I can’t say I’m much of a match personality-wise with the author. So a mixed and mild recommendation if the subject matter intrigues you (and you don’t think a bit of arrogance and superficiality in your writers).

[Jane Boon · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's become a cruel joke and reality, that to find a partner most must first install an app. Treena Orchard, who is both an anthropologist and a persistent dater, has chronicled her efforts using technological tools with cute names like Bumble and Tindr, as she explored the messy world of modern dating. Sticky, Sexy, Sad is a frisky and smart work that shows how these apps are actually gauntlets we must surmount to find love.

[Jack Gibson]

Swipe culture in dating apps, while offering convenience, can also have downsides. It can sometimes lead to superficiality, focusing on physical appearance over deeper connection. It's important for Dating App Development Company to consider these aspects and strive to create platforms that encourage genuine interaction and meaningful connections.

[Derek Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

Treena is a newly sober woman taking a break from relationships. She downloads a dating app and reveals what it's like to be a modern woman searching for a connection. She uses her skills as an anthropologist to study what using dating apps have on humans and how it impacts people while searching for love. This was a very interesting read and may not appeal to everyone. Thank you for the opportunity of receiving this book. I have already passed it on.

[Clare Harvey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful, intelligent, important.
A fascinating journey into postdigital dating, how the ways we interact with each other - something as animal and visceral as sexual attraction, or as ephemeral as love - can be mediated through digital technology. This book asks what our use (and misuse) of dating apps says about all of us, and the systems that create and control our interactions. And Treena Orchard is a wonderful writer, too.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not quite what I expected this book to be, but Treena takes us along on her dating adventures (and misadventures) and also reflects the time we live in and how dating apps turn the search for connection into a game that can mean we lose something fundamental in our interactions-our humanity. Interesting enough and I enjoyed it. I won a free copy from Goodreads along with some book swag from Toronto Press.

[Joella Wall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend Sticky Sexy Sad. Amazing book, well writen, funny, intelligent, thought provoking. She tells the story in a way that you feel like your listening to a close friend, in on the jokes. Her commitment to her work is definitely shown. Buy a copy for a friend, you will want to reread your own.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! I love how there were so many stories which supported the overall theme of the book. I have already recommended it to a couple of friends who I know will enjoy it!

[Kari Hewer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very much what dating apps are all about! Good for the author to just go out and live her life the way she wished to do it! Judgement is for "those people"

[Marianne · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow, how did this sh!te get published?

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliantly researched and written, but in a way that is accessible to any woman who is trying to navigate online dating apps. Compelling read!

[Mill M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book from an amazing woman. So insightful to this new landscape we find ourselves in.