You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: A New Approach to Intimate Relationships with the Internal Family Systems Model

by Richard Schwartz

Brought to you by Penguin.

Most loving relationships fail, not because of communication or empathy breakdown, but because we unknowingly burden our partner with the task of caring for disowned and unloved parts of ourselves, our 'internal family'.

Building on the revolutionary Internal Family Systems model of therapy, Dr Richard Schwartz reveals how to reconnect and foster a healthy dialogue with your wise and compassionate 'Self' and your partner. You Are the One You've Been Waiting For will equip you with the essential tools needed to build trust and connection with the one you love.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development

Audible Audio

Published November 23, 2023

About the author

Richard Schwartz ist das Pseudonym eines deutschen Schriftstellers (* 1958 in Frankfurt am Main), unter dem der Fantasy-Romanzyklus Das Geheimnis von Askir und dessen Fortsetzung Die Götterkriege veröffentlicht werden.

Richard Schwartz hat eine Ausbildung als Flugzeugmechaniker und ein Studium der Elektrotechnik und Informatik absolviert. Er arbeitete als Tankwart, Postfahrer und Systemprogrammierer und restauriert Autos und Motorräder. Am liebsten widmet er sich jedoch fantastischen Welten, die er in der Nacht zu Papier bringt – mit großem Erfolg: Seine Reihe um »Das Geheimnis von Askir« wurde mehrfach für den Deutschen Phantastik Preis nominiert. Zuletzt erschien die neue Reihe „Die Eisraben-Chroniken“.

Reviews

[Sara Lowe · Rating 4 out of 5]

ok fine. i thought internal family systems was goofy but i think it’s probably brilliant

[Eileen · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some good ideas here but I still find myself resistant to the way Schwartz presents the internal Family Systems Model (IFS). I didn't like his main anonymized/fictionalized couple's example. At one point all of the wife's friends are telling her not to take the husband back, but the couple does the IFS work and he moves back in. Schwartz bills it as a great success story but it raises all my red flags - or protectors or whatever other jargon he needs. I, or my exiles, don't trust that Schwartz is a better judge of what's a good outcome for her than all of her female friends.

I have the lingering belief that this system is one that asks even more emotional labor of women. The feelings and behaviors the wives are asked to support their husbands through seem so much worse than the flip side. Apart from the real 'deal breakers' in most relationships the change we seek so often is about asking men to pull their own weight at home or in parenting and parental caretaking or relationship maintenance in general. 'Trying to change him' in these respects is a far cry from dealing with men's rage, jealousy, possessiveness, tendency to control, isolate or belittle. (Maybe these should be on the deal-breaker list too, which for me starts with: infidelity, violence, substance abuse, extreme religiosity and financial irresponsibility.)

I can do the mental exercises to connect the dots to what triggers reactive feelings in me from childhood and prior relationships, but I hate his coined expression 'tor-mentor'. No one can reasonably expect a conflict-free marriage, but celebrating the 'gift' of an often-provoking life partner has the same demented ring to it as someone suggesting that God gave me special-needs children to teach me patience and compassion.

Is he describing something more than compartmentalizing, using metacognition about those compartments and then exercising self control? (That's what being Self-led or having Self-leadership sounds like to me.) How do we put ourselves back together after this fragmentation. Expat me coping with husband and children would draw a very different map than Stateside me coping with dysfunction in my family of origin. Most worryingly, the final page echoes what my loudest part Autistic Sensory Defensive Wants To Be Alone is often saying: truly intimate relationships are rare, which is why so many people settle or choose to be alone.

(I've accidentally linked my progress notes to the audiobook edition, but I guess I'll leave it this way to not lose them. My friend Corinne recommended this book. I hope I get the chance to talk with her about it in person.)

[Mandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75….alllllmost 4 stars

[Hope · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think there’s a lot of useful material in here (recommended to me for the descriptions of inner selves and their purposes) though the writing is a bit heavy handed at times (starving children in a basement). However, you can see pretty easily see what the intent of the metaphors is, and though I’m not someone who gets much out of IFS the chapters on differentiating and healing your inner selves works for me. 3.5 star

[Daskaninchen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Presents a good relational overview of parts work, but not a lot of direction about how to be the primary caretaker of one's exiles.

[Christopher · Rating 2 out of 5]

Parts and Partners: A Fresh Take on Fixing What's Broken Inside.

Richard Schwartz's "You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For" (2008) offers a twist on relationship therapy through his Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, framing our psyche as a collection of "parts" that need harmonizing before we can truly connect with others. It's an accessible entry emphasizing self-regulation over finger-pointing. Schwartz argues we're the sum of many parts—some wounded from past traumas, others protective shields—and by addressing them internally, we lighten the load on our partners. No more expecting them to fill our emotional voids, which often breeds resentment; instead, foster authenticity by handling your own baggage.

The communication tools shine brightest: swapping "I hate you" for "A part of me hates you right now" compartmentalizes emotions, making conflicts less overwhelming and more navigable. Recognizing how protector parts guard our vulnerable ones adds nuance, turning therapy-speak into practical empathy.

That said, Schwartz's anthropomorphizing gets strained—patients literally dialogue with their "parts" like they're separate personalities, often manifesting as scared inner children. After the third case study, it veers into weird territory, feeling more like multiple personality role-play than relatable advice. Odder still is his fixation on pinpointing emotions in the body (my sadness is in my left elbow?), which seems unnecessary fluff.

And while the concepts intrigue, the book bogs down in jargon—terms like "exiles" and "firefighters" get tossed around without enough unpacking, leaving lay readers scratching their heads.

Overall, it's a solid, positive nudge toward self-reliant relationships, but the quirks and opacity hold it back from being a game-changer. Worth a skim for couples in the trenches.

[Nina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, a very good book by Dr Richard Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems. In this book, the focus is on using IFS in relationships, and it is written for the lay audience rather than being specifically for therapists. It helps if you already have an understanding of basic IFS principles. I liked the approach and appreciated that he often addressed that one partner could use these strategies even if the other was not as motivated. One criticism of the book is that I didn't like his creation/use of the term "tor-mentor". He coined this term to indicate that our partners, in pushing our buttons, give us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves--i.e. by upsetting us they are our "mentors." I think he thought he was clever in coming up with this word , but in over-using it within the book it began to seem silly to me and I felt it could even be provocative or upsetting to certain readers.
Nevertheless, I think IFS is a very useful model and this book did a great job of demonstrating its application to relationships.

[Corbin Marshall · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great integration of IFS with intimate relationships by the man himself Richard Schwartz. I picked up a lot of interesting nuggets of insight from this book, but I do think a brief overview of Internal Family Systems would really make this an even better read. If you’re unfamiliar with IFS, I’d recommend reading up on it first before starting this book. Between It Begins With You by Julian Turecki and this book, you’re well on your way to being a great individual and in turn, an even better partner.

[Daniel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Even though 150 pages, a very dense book. Explores the IFS model through the lens of relationships.

Main takeaways:

> You should be the primary caretaker of your parts and your partner the secondary
> There are parts that you exile when getting in a relationship
> Speaking for, and not from, your parts is key in any conflict-related conversation
> Partners are your tor-mentors, and that's great :)

Loving all of your parts (especially the exiled) and having them trust our Self-leadership is honestly the answer to most of our relationship problems.

[Nikki P · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading to date me. I LOVE the IFS framework / philosophy and strongly feel that it would be incredibly helpful to anyone who has any kind of relationship with other humans (everyone). Its helpful to read 'No Bad Parts' first as it introduces the language / concepts that are explored in this book as well.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found this really helpful. Nice alternative framework to intellectualising all your problems. The author believes his framework is reality but I (and lots of people I’ve heard talk about it) think of it as a metaphor and that was enough to be helpful for me.

[Shannon Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a great addition to IFS therapy for partnered folks. It helps build connections between your own internal IFS work and how your parts show up in relationships, as well as having a better understanding of your partner's parts and seeing them for what they are. Incredibly helpful.

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting concepts. I don't think there's anything revolutionary but I can see how adopting this framework/perspective can help folks take a step back when they feel overwhelmed and more quickly identify their needs.

That being said, questionable to bad examples in this book.

[Loulou · Rating 5 out of 5]

Already one of my favorite books. It really made me understand why my previous relationships didn´t work, how to have healthier couple dynamics and how to be a better partner. Probably requires reading No Bad Parts first.

[Delaney Harbuck · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maybe my favorite book I’ve read this year

[Laurel Dexheimer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really has you dive into your own stuff and how that is impacting your relationships.

[Élise Hung · Rating 4 out of 5]

A direct application of the IFS theory onto couples/relationship dynamics. An interesting approach.

[KLei · Rating 5 out of 5]

as a therapist who uses ifs, this book is MONEY$$$

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, must-read for everyone

[Christian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good. Broke down IFS in a couple situation in a way that made me actually like it more than No Bad Parts 😂

[Ab · Rating 4 out of 5]

audio version - relevant ifs theory

[Katie Weinstein · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but unnecessary after taking the IFS course

[Cat Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.8 stars

[Kayte Corcoran · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great subject. Boring book

[Colleen Quint]

This is one of those “don’t judge a book by its cover” dealios. Get past the cheesy title, and you’ve got yourself a phenomenal read. Rich, insightful, and thought-provoking. Full of kind challenges in practical application, with the awareness that some exercises may need the assistance of a third party. A great sequel to No Bad Parts, even though it’s not explicitly stated as such.

[Emily Greer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I want to re-read to digest it more.