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This Is Not About You: A Menmoir
For once, these men are the objects; I am the subject. Me, me, me.
Rosemary Mac Cabe was always a serial monogamist—never happier than when she was in a relationship or, at the very least, on the way to being in one. But in her desperate search for ‘the one’—from first love to first lust, through a series of disappointments and the searing sting of heartbreak—she learned that finding love might mean losing herself along the way.
This Is Not About You is a life story in a series of love stories. About Henry, with the big nose and the lovely mom, with whom sex was like having a verruca frozen off in the doctor’s ‘uncomfortable, but I had entered into this willingly’. About Dan, with the goatee. About Luke, who gave her a split condom. About Frank, who was married…
But mostly, it’s about Rosemary, figuring out just how much she was willing to sacrifice for her happy ending.
Rosemary Mac Cabe was always a serial monogamist—never happier than when she was in a relationship or, at the very least, on the way to being in one. But in her desperate search for ‘the one’—from first love to first lust, through a series of disappointments and the searing sting of heartbreak—she learned that finding love might mean losing herself along the way.
This Is Not About You is a life story in a series of love stories. About Henry, with the big nose and the lovely mom, with whom sex was like having a verruca frozen off in the doctor’s ‘uncomfortable, but I had entered into this willingly’. About Dan, with the goatee. About Luke, who gave her a split condom. About Frank, who was married…
But mostly, it’s about Rosemary, figuring out just how much she was willing to sacrifice for her happy ending.
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Published November 2, 2023
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
July 6, 2023
I was an early supporter of this book, being an admirer of Rosemary’s writing and her always authentic presence online and on her podcast. There is a lot of pretence and facade with online life, but Rosemary is always candid, refreshingly so, and she injects even really tough topics with a humour and vulnerability that only serve to endear her to me more.
This Is Not About You is her first book and it’s a self-styled “menmoir”, a revisit of her past relationships and sexual encounters, with a chapter given over to each one.
From teenage fumbles in a freezing cold shed to passionate clinches behind a curtain one long hot summer in Milan, some chapters are tragi-comic, some terribly poignant and others downright infuriating but always relatable in terms of what so many women (especially in our 20s) put up with and sacrifice(d) for the love and/or attention of a deeply inferior man.
Rosemary’s trademark wit and self-deprecation are ever present, as is her warm, clever writing style. She draws the reader into her confidence, revealing her innermost thoughts in vignettes that at times are deeply personal and moving. I imagine there are chapters in this book that came at great personal cost (even if Rosemary is as she describes herself, a chronic over-sharer).
The book really shines in the chapters that touch on Liam, Beatrice and Brandin (I may have shed a tear or two). I hope Rosemary continues to enjoy lasting happiness in her personal life and I hope she writes another book. I can see this one being a word-of-mouth success - I flew through it in 24 hours and expect many others will too. 4.5/5 rounded up ⭐️
This Is Not About You is her first book and it’s a self-styled “menmoir”, a revisit of her past relationships and sexual encounters, with a chapter given over to each one.
From teenage fumbles in a freezing cold shed to passionate clinches behind a curtain one long hot summer in Milan, some chapters are tragi-comic, some terribly poignant and others downright infuriating but always relatable in terms of what so many women (especially in our 20s) put up with and sacrifice(d) for the love and/or attention of a deeply inferior man.
Rosemary’s trademark wit and self-deprecation are ever present, as is her warm, clever writing style. She draws the reader into her confidence, revealing her innermost thoughts in vignettes that at times are deeply personal and moving. I imagine there are chapters in this book that came at great personal cost (even if Rosemary is as she describes herself, a chronic over-sharer).
The book really shines in the chapters that touch on Liam, Beatrice and Brandin (I may have shed a tear or two). I hope Rosemary continues to enjoy lasting happiness in her personal life and I hope she writes another book. I can see this one being a word-of-mouth success - I flew through it in 24 hours and expect many others will too. 4.5/5 rounded up ⭐️
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August 17, 2023“Scott had, at the time, said I was overreacting, which in hindsight? Fuck him. When a man tells you that you’re overreacting, he’s just short of calling you hysterical and having you committed to a sanatorium for women with wandering wombs”
Indeed.
This Is Not About You; a Menmoir, is the first book from journalist, podcaster and general sounder Rosemary McCabe.
Like many Irish women my age, I’ve followed Rosemary online for a few years now and was intrigued at the concept of this book; an exploration into the author’s experiences with men from her teenage years to the present day.
Presented as a series of essays, with each representing a different dude, this is an endlessly readable book.
Did I inwardly cringe several times when it felt just a little bit too close to home? Yes, of course. Rosemary bares all, and what we have here are incredibly relatable stories that took me right back to my teens and early 20’s when I truly did not now my own worth when it came to men.
I wish I could hand this one out to all the youths and hope they learn from our mistakes, although this generation already seems more clued in than we ever were, thankfully!
That said, there’s also a lot of self-deprecating humour in here alongside some of the more sobering moments.
If you love Dolly Alderton or my personal fave, Nora Ephron, then I think you’ll devour this book. The fact that this is written from an Irish perspective makes it that bit more special as it feels so familiar, kind of like a new friend telling you all their exploits from over the years you didn’t know each other 🥰
Recommend!
Indeed.
This Is Not About You; a Menmoir, is the first book from journalist, podcaster and general sounder Rosemary McCabe.
Like many Irish women my age, I’ve followed Rosemary online for a few years now and was intrigued at the concept of this book; an exploration into the author’s experiences with men from her teenage years to the present day.
Presented as a series of essays, with each representing a different dude, this is an endlessly readable book.
Did I inwardly cringe several times when it felt just a little bit too close to home? Yes, of course. Rosemary bares all, and what we have here are incredibly relatable stories that took me right back to my teens and early 20’s when I truly did not now my own worth when it came to men.
I wish I could hand this one out to all the youths and hope they learn from our mistakes, although this generation already seems more clued in than we ever were, thankfully!
That said, there’s also a lot of self-deprecating humour in here alongside some of the more sobering moments.
If you love Dolly Alderton or my personal fave, Nora Ephron, then I think you’ll devour this book. The fact that this is written from an Irish perspective makes it that bit more special as it feels so familiar, kind of like a new friend telling you all their exploits from over the years you didn’t know each other 🥰
Recommend!
July 5, 2023
Rosemary is a journalist/writer/podcaster from Dublin (now living in Fort Wayne with her family).
This Is Not About You is her debut book, recounting the relationships and men in her life, and ‘the chokehold’ she has allowed them to have on her. Is is also so much more than this.
The book is so well written that I could barely put it down, Mac Cabe’s writing is captivating, endearing, emotional, and brutally honest. I loved how the streets of Dublin were brought to life in the stories, and I found myself laughing along and nodding with the familiarity of it all.
Mac Cabe is self-deprecating in many areas she needn’t be, but it makes the truth of her stories even more creditable. A lot of heterosexual women will be able to relate to the parts of ourselves that we give away for the sake of thankless men.
Mostly, this book is about self-discovery, and I hope that Mac Cabe has achieved that with this piece of work.
I also want to give a particular shoutout to the chapter about Liam which was so beautiful to read 🫶🏻 and the common threads holding the stories together, that are Mac Cabe’s friendships, and the relationship with her sister. 💕
This Is Not About You is her debut book, recounting the relationships and men in her life, and ‘the chokehold’ she has allowed them to have on her. Is is also so much more than this.
The book is so well written that I could barely put it down, Mac Cabe’s writing is captivating, endearing, emotional, and brutally honest. I loved how the streets of Dublin were brought to life in the stories, and I found myself laughing along and nodding with the familiarity of it all.
Mac Cabe is self-deprecating in many areas she needn’t be, but it makes the truth of her stories even more creditable. A lot of heterosexual women will be able to relate to the parts of ourselves that we give away for the sake of thankless men.
Mostly, this book is about self-discovery, and I hope that Mac Cabe has achieved that with this piece of work.
I also want to give a particular shoutout to the chapter about Liam which was so beautiful to read 🫶🏻 and the common threads holding the stories together, that are Mac Cabe’s friendships, and the relationship with her sister. 💕
July 14, 2023
Rosemary MacCabe’s book is titled This Is Not About You but honestly I feel it is about me, and lots of other Irish women too. I squirmed while reading as I too made similar mistakes in relationships to Rosemary. But reading this book was cathartic as I healed and forgave myself for all the times I made myself too small.
I loved how real and raw and unflinchingly honest Rosemary was. Her dry wit and the hilarious and heartbreaking tales of dating, relationship woes, growing into yourself and widening your understanding of what love truly feels like is hugely entertaining.
This book feels like an empowering chat with a friend. Highly recommended. And I applaud Rosemary’s bravery in being so candid in her reflections.
I loved how real and raw and unflinchingly honest Rosemary was. Her dry wit and the hilarious and heartbreaking tales of dating, relationship woes, growing into yourself and widening your understanding of what love truly feels like is hugely entertaining.
This book feels like an empowering chat with a friend. Highly recommended. And I applaud Rosemary’s bravery in being so candid in her reflections.
October 10, 2024
Loved this book - listened to it on Spotify and, as she’s Irish, I could actually bare the sound of her voice. It’s basically a “to all the boys I loved before” style book but it’s so funny and honestly very realistic. I hadn’t heard of Rosemary before, but gave her a follow after this because some of the writing was gas. Nice easy listen during the workday, although there are some semi difficult passages. It’s one of those “I feel seen” books for me I think.
July 3, 2023
"This Is Not About You: A Menmoir" is a memoir that chronicles a woman's pursuit of love and partnership and the profound impact it has on her journey of self-discovery. This book captivated me from start to finish. I found it to be highly relatable with moments of humor, heartbreak, and vulnerability.
Through honest self-reflection, the author shares her personal experiences and relationships. The book beautifully captures the universal struggles, triumphs, and moments of self-doubt that we all encounter, especially as young women, trying to find our value and purpose, and sometimes wrongly assigning that value to our relationships. It serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of self-worth and that we are not only as valuable as what we can be for others and instead our value comes from who we can be for ourselves.
Written with authenticity and Rosemary’s true voice, her prose weaves through emotions, inviting readers to connect deeply with her story. It is a heartfelt truth to embrace our own stories, value ourselves, and to never stop fighting for the love and compassion we deserve.
Through honest self-reflection, the author shares her personal experiences and relationships. The book beautifully captures the universal struggles, triumphs, and moments of self-doubt that we all encounter, especially as young women, trying to find our value and purpose, and sometimes wrongly assigning that value to our relationships. It serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of self-worth and that we are not only as valuable as what we can be for others and instead our value comes from who we can be for ourselves.
Written with authenticity and Rosemary’s true voice, her prose weaves through emotions, inviting readers to connect deeply with her story. It is a heartfelt truth to embrace our own stories, value ourselves, and to never stop fighting for the love and compassion we deserve.
July 8, 2023
I love Rosemarys podcast and any articles she writes so knew I would love this book.
July 6, 2023
I love this book! It is relatable and hilarious but also really smart and insightful. I wish I'd read this book when I was 15 and it might have saved me from putting up with so much bullshit in relationships!!! Can't wait for Rosemary's next book!!!
July 11, 2023
This Is Not About You is one of those books that I wish I could read again for the first time. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was expecting but what I wasn’t expecting was to cry through several chapters (and the acknowledgments) and feel seen and understood in my own dating adventures and mishaps. Throughout the entire book I wrestled with being glad someone understood the female experience when it comes to dating and being heartbroken that these experiences are universal. Rosemary captures it all: the emotions (even the things we’d never admit to feeling), the highs and lows, the trials and triumphs, the good and bad, the hideous and downright hilarious parts of relationships.
July 2, 2023
This book was so well written and so beautiful. Though my experiences with love are different than what the author describes, I related to her stories the entire time. It was real, full of detail, and emotional!
August 4, 2023
This made me laugh, and cry and made me so angry at parts. (Fuck you, Murph!)
On the surface This Is Not About You is a Menmoir; a story of a woman told through her relationships. Some were hilarious, others not so.
I really wanted to punch Murph in the face.
I was impressed at Rosemary, drafting an email to her boyfriend of 5 years, clearly distraught and emotional, managing to throw in an Austen quote.
I laughed at her pinpointing Gary’s character down by the mere fact he served boiled potatoes. I know that guy. I’ve met that guy.
Her description of her relationship with married Frank had me in tears. In tears for Rosemary who deserved better.
And Dan and his sky-diving? Don’t get me started.
MacCabe is brutally honest in her writing and spares no blushes - her own or the men she writes about. She analyses her own behaviour with the wisdom of hindsight and she does it remarkably well. She openly points out her willingness in the past to mould herself into a shape she thought men would find attractive. She goes into further details on her relationship dynamics and I dare you not to be moved.
So, while on the surface we’re looking at a Menmoir, I declare this debut by MacCabe is also a feminist essay.
On the surface This Is Not About You is a Menmoir; a story of a woman told through her relationships. Some were hilarious, others not so.
I really wanted to punch Murph in the face.
I was impressed at Rosemary, drafting an email to her boyfriend of 5 years, clearly distraught and emotional, managing to throw in an Austen quote.
I laughed at her pinpointing Gary’s character down by the mere fact he served boiled potatoes. I know that guy. I’ve met that guy.
Her description of her relationship with married Frank had me in tears. In tears for Rosemary who deserved better.
And Dan and his sky-diving? Don’t get me started.
MacCabe is brutally honest in her writing and spares no blushes - her own or the men she writes about. She analyses her own behaviour with the wisdom of hindsight and she does it remarkably well. She openly points out her willingness in the past to mould herself into a shape she thought men would find attractive. She goes into further details on her relationship dynamics and I dare you not to be moved.
So, while on the surface we’re looking at a Menmoir, I declare this debut by MacCabe is also a feminist essay.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 10, 2023
This Is Not About You by Rosemary Mac Cabe
Rosemary Mac Cabe is one of Ireland's most popular writers and podcasters, and for years I have enjoyed reading her pieces via Patreon and later Substack and listening to her podcasts: How To Be Sound and Not Without My Sister.
This Is Not About You is her first book, her “menmoir”.
It details her life story via a series of chapters which feature most, if not all, of her romantic encounters to date. But this book is not about them, it is about her, and I loved it.
I could’ve written this book, expect for two very important facts; 1. I am not a writer, and 2. It would be a lot shorter, a novella perhaps. It is so relatable, the references to J-17 and More magazines, the trip to Gran Canaria, but most of all the boyfriends. If you are a woman who has dated men, you will find him in here in some shape or form.
But it is not just a salacious read, but rather an honest, vulnerable, beautiful and at times heart breaking piece of writing.
There is so much love, learning, growth, acceptance and pain in this book. I did laugh and I did cry. I read it in three days, which is unheard of for me these days, but I savoured the last chapter and was left feeling warm and fuzzy and craving a peppermint mocha.
I highly recommend it and I hope it does really well.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐
Rosemary Mac Cabe is one of Ireland's most popular writers and podcasters, and for years I have enjoyed reading her pieces via Patreon and later Substack and listening to her podcasts: How To Be Sound and Not Without My Sister.
This Is Not About You is her first book, her “menmoir”.
It details her life story via a series of chapters which feature most, if not all, of her romantic encounters to date. But this book is not about them, it is about her, and I loved it.
I could’ve written this book, expect for two very important facts; 1. I am not a writer, and 2. It would be a lot shorter, a novella perhaps. It is so relatable, the references to J-17 and More magazines, the trip to Gran Canaria, but most of all the boyfriends. If you are a woman who has dated men, you will find him in here in some shape or form.
But it is not just a salacious read, but rather an honest, vulnerable, beautiful and at times heart breaking piece of writing.
There is so much love, learning, growth, acceptance and pain in this book. I did laugh and I did cry. I read it in three days, which is unheard of for me these days, but I savoured the last chapter and was left feeling warm and fuzzy and craving a peppermint mocha.
I highly recommend it and I hope it does really well.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐
July 4, 2023
Rosemarys voice both spoken and written is one that I could listen to all day. Her stories are immensely relatable and I find her own self discovery to be extremely helpful in my own self discovery.
The book was such an easy read! Broken up into chapters based on each relationship, it was easy to put down to make another coffee and even easier to pick up to read again.
Looking forward to the next book!
The book was such an easy read! Broken up into chapters based on each relationship, it was easy to put down to make another coffee and even easier to pick up to read again.
Looking forward to the next book!
July 20, 2023
The Irish equivalent to Dolly Alderton's What I Know About Love. Every one has given up or hidden part of themselves for a man needs to read this.
July 5, 2023
Inhaled this book in 2 days- couldn’t put it down.
Brought up a lot of love and compassion for my teen and 20 something self.
Brought up a lot of love and compassion for my teen and 20 something self.
July 5, 2023
I flew through this book. The short chapters each tell the story of an ex-partner, with the benefit of hindsight. A lot of the experiences described, I would argue, would be universal and are be shared by anyone reading. Rosemary’s style of writing is both honest, open and self-reflective.
I’m looking forward to future books!
I’m looking forward to future books!
July 19, 2023
This is a "Menmoir" - an exploration of Rosemary's history of relationships with boys, then men (although sometimes boys merely disguised as men!) It is very well written, it flows easily off the pages and has a real sense of being able to hear her voice telling it. (I am a longtime follower of her podcast so her voice is hugely familiar to me). She doesn't shy away from sharing the realities of dating life, the embarrassing moments, the messy break-ups and, while it is funny and nostalgic, it also deals with some pretty hefty serious issues because they are also part of the story of her dating past. I may be slightly biased as I was a supporter of her publishing via Unbound but honestly, if I didn't like it, I'd tell you straight while still being glad to have played a tiny part in seeing it come to be. I am so happy to say that I did like it and that I shall be recommending it to anyone I feel will enjoy it as much as I did.
July 15, 2023
Completely absorbing book. I inhaled it. It’s impossible not to reflect back over your own dating history as you read it. I felt it in the chest several times, the disappointment, the let downs, the times where you felt you’d given it your all but the other person hadn’t. Give this book to your daughters, nieces, any young women in your life.
July 12, 2023
A Great Read
I wish I had this book to read in my teens - it’s a lesson in self respect and being true to yourself.
I have followed Rosemary for years on social media and enjoy her weekly writings and podcasts, so I was looking forward to reading her book for the writing alone, but I hadn’t realised just how moving her story would be.
Parts were joyful, parts funny, parts heartbreaking but ultimately it is a book filled with hope.
I loved it - it’s definitely in to reread pile.
I wish I had this book to read in my teens - it’s a lesson in self respect and being true to yourself.
I have followed Rosemary for years on social media and enjoy her weekly writings and podcasts, so I was looking forward to reading her book for the writing alone, but I hadn’t realised just how moving her story would be.
Parts were joyful, parts funny, parts heartbreaking but ultimately it is a book filled with hope.
I loved it - it’s definitely in to reread pile.
July 13, 2023
Fair play to Rosemary; simultaneously baring the soul of all Irish girls and young women by simply telling us her own dating story via A Menmoir!
I devoured this in one day, in multiple sittings, snatching chapters here and there when I could.
I know I won't stop thinking about this book for a long time ....
Sophie White's comment from the cover sums it up perfectly ..."feeling immense compassion for the girls we once were: looking for love and barely a thought for what it was we actually wanted"
I devoured this in one day, in multiple sittings, snatching chapters here and there when I could.
I know I won't stop thinking about this book for a long time ....
Sophie White's comment from the cover sums it up perfectly ..."feeling immense compassion for the girls we once were: looking for love and barely a thought for what it was we actually wanted"
September 8, 2025
Great read! I think this memoir really captures the pitfalls many women have as they move through their dating life. Too bad we can’t learn earlier on how to not bend to the will of a man to be more appealing.
July 11, 2023
I’ve been following Rosemary’s writing for years and couldn’t wait for this book to come out. She’s an excellent author and I flew through it. It seemed to be very honest and reflective, Rosemary came across as trying to be very fair in how she describes her recollections of different relationships. Some were fleeting and others had a huge impact. I cringed at times as I saw myself as a twenty-something, feeling inferior and willing to put up with way too much and go along with things that made me uncomfortable. The chapter on Johnny was shocking. I loved the chapter on Brandin and also Scott. A fantastic read.
November 21, 2023
relatable as I've been various shades of boy crazy but also unrelatable as I've been chronically single my whole life
December 18, 2023
Such a good read!!!
February 1, 2024
every single woman in your 20’s: read this!
July 11, 2024
A good book about the tales and trials of dating men and the journey of growing up. A very personal insight into rosemary’s not so perfect dating life.
October 29, 2024
Ironically the most interesting chapters were about the worst men
June 1, 2025
4.25 - loved reading this on audiobook
July 10, 2025
I enjoyed going on this journey and how I saw so many pieces of my past romances in what Rosemary bared here. Sometimes in a one to one ratio, sometimes a little of this guy and a little that guy in one story or many parts of one guy in multiple stories. It just reminds me people are people. I appreciate her honesty and openness in admitting faults that I also have. And, after many autobiographies, it was refreshing to end on a positive note.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews