Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy: Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships

by Jill P. Weber

Finding lasting love and intimacy can be difficult for many women. Some end up agreeing to sexual relationships hoping that they may lead to longer, more fulfilling relationships, only to be let down when they don’t. Here, Jill Weber explains why women feel forced into a male model of dating that barters sex for the unrealistic hope that it will lead to emotional intimacy. What it leads to for the woman, most often, is disappointment, despair, and impaired self-esteem. “Sextimacy,” as Weber terms it, traps women in relationships that are one-sided and lack emotional intimacy. When this happens, women routinely blame themselves instead of realizing they should blame their romantic strategy.This book, in a step-by-step progression, shows a better way to break the cycle and cultivating better relationships. It teaches women how to recognize when they are in a Sextimacy event as opposed to the beginning of a mutually fulfilling relationship that won't leave them racked with morning-after regrets. And it gives clear direction about what women can do to find warm romantic partnerships that serve their needs.Using real stories from women of various ages and stages of life, Weber shows how patterns of behavior may develop that produce a vulnerability to being used. Starting in childhood and proceeding through the crucial teen years, she illustrates the factors that may go into this limited approach to cultivating romantic relationships, and provides clear tips on how to stop. Including a series of self-assessments, the book offers women insight into the patterns that rob them of the opportunities to grow and to fulfill their emotional needs. Anyone struggling to break the cycle of having sex without the attendant intimacy they crave will find in these pages a warm and ready approach to finding love and fulfillment.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships

250 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Jill P. Weber, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in the Washington, DC area. She has appeared as a psychology expert in various media outlets including Nightline, U.S. News and World Report, Teen Vogue, USA Today, Washington Post, Family Circle, Seventeen, CNN, Associated Press and the Discovery Channel. She specializes in the impact of culture on female identity and relationship development. She writes for Huffington Post and a blog for Psychology Today called "Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy" at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/h...

Reviews

[Diamond · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, I think that the book was good. It dives into its points very well and much research and background context seems to be done to help give a through understanding of how sextimacy can come about, the factors behind it, and some thoughtful ways to overcome it. As a person who has been working on healing from some of the habits in the book, I did find it a little boring whenever it got to the strategies I’ve already learned to incorporate, but I welcome the reminders anyway.

One of the main things that led to the rating is the enormous amount of technical jargon that is heavily laced throughout each chapter. It’s mostly brain things, and even though I enjoy brain things and knew the terms and concepts that she spoke on, it seemed to take away from the solutions for me, and made the chapters extremely long. However that is an opinion and might be useful information for someone who is new to the brain and how it works and grows.

Lastly, my rating comes because she didn’t really talk about how having a deceased father/mother could play into causing a women to develop some of the mindsets and habits that she spoke on in the book and I was really looking forward to hearing about that. Once again though, something I desired because of my own experiences and it might not jade other readers. All in all, I believe that I mostly got what I came for and I’m glad that I read the book.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for women. Definitely reflective of the modern dating scene.

[Ietrio · Rating 1 out of 5]

A very interesting approach to relationships: sextimacy. And that is the high point. Everything goes down from there.

Weber is some sort of prophet. Given the morals exposed, maybe some Catholic school. I don't know. Anyway Weber the Prophet knows what [all] Women want. And that is "real" relationships. What is real? What Weber wants. Are there any dissenters? Probably they aren't "real" women. Actually Weber is trying real hard to impose the Gender Roles and the Gender Stereotypes. Step 1: women are different, maybe a different specie. The cultural pressure is mentioned only as a new biblical serpent: to temp women into having sex. Than everything goes. So a book written by a white middle class Westerner for white middle class Westerners can include even references to female genital mutilation. Wow! Women overall are split in girls - who don't know much - and women - who should know better.

Actually, apart from the strong morals and stereotypes, the book is a literary work, not a scientific piece. The author makes sure to insert at every point some snapshot, some moment with a virtual person. But Weber is a failed writer and no snapshot becomes a story, hence the need to mask this volume as non-fiction.

[Englandjennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book. It's less about the sex and more about why women settle for less, why they think if they give men what they want they believe their needs for intimacy will be met. It's an incredible book. I loved the psychology behind it and it's a book I would highly recommend, not just to single but married women as well.

[Darcia Scates · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Jill Weber tells the truth in this book. You have never read this one before. Dr. Weber explains why the title of this book is true for so many women. This woman earned her Ph.D. I applaud her research and her brilliant mind for writing this one.

[Tumelo Motaung · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started reading this book because I've found it increasingly difficult to get accustomed to how people tend to relate, especially those on the dating scene.
Being someone who generally goes against the current, I picked up this book because I figured there was an answer to why I was struggling to build deeper connections with the men that I decide to go out with.
Turns out, like most other things, that there's a science behind it. The oxytocin that women release during sex make us more prone to attaching to the men we sleep with, which is totally normal. We release this hormone during childbirth and lactation too, it's our nurture instinct... We are made to care (I'm pretty sure I read this last part in another book), but normative culture says we shouldn't. There's a drill that we shouldn't really care, how we should just accept that things are savage out there and that we need to be built for combat to make it in the warfare. But I'm soft, and gentle, and generally always look for the best in people, and I don't want my heart to harden, but I've noticed a pattern in my dating life and wanted to use a thicker lense to look at it.
Anyway, following a series of case studies, Jill Webber, using cases of clients she's worked with over the years, draws maps of how we as women sometimes give into what she terms "sextimacy" when what we really want is intimacy. She follows neurological paths that are carved from childhood and elaborates on how we keep walking up and down these streets till they are cemented into our instinctual responses.
She then uses this blueprint to map alternative routes that lead to the destination we actually want to get to, weighing on on the concept of neuroplasticity. I won't say it was an easy read, I had to stop a lot and take account of a number of things, but it was exciting... All those aha moments when I was like, "Oh, that's why..."
What I loved about the this read is that it highlighted, in more ways than one, the idea of an sense of self that is not fully developed. I love a book that leads me to a new rabbit hole.

[Galen Bepler · Rating 4 out of 5]

If there's one fundamental question a woman to ask herself it is, what are my "investment" goals and what are his, and is there any alignment? If there's too many risks in this "investment", then it's time to move on to a man/partner who can be more of an equal "investment partner". I think the dynamic between men and women gets skewed in this sex versus relating because of false preconceptions. Both women and men enjoy sex. Men and women are at different emotional developmental places throughout time and among the population so it's not true that men across the board are one way and women are another even owing that we know through societal modeling men are told to be "tough" i.e. stoic and women to be "warm" i.e. empathic. This book is synergistic with Manning Up: How the Rise of Women has Turned Men into Boys (Kay Hymowitz) to understand why men and women's "investment" can be so different when it comes to partnership and creating a life together

[Ore · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really enjoyed the science backed data in terms of emotional intimacy and sexual desire and knowing one’s self fully. However there is a lot of false hope portrayed as the book tends to ignore that you can have all the awareness and make the right decisions but a relationship requires a partner willing to do the same. And the options in certain cases, many cases are … very discouraging. Therefore the opportunity to form new relationship experiences that are healthier are few and far between. You can desire the experience and be intentional about not repeating old patterns however you are limited to what is available. Wish the book focused a bit more on that case and being satisfied knowing that you have tried your best in seeking deep connections but it has just not worked out instead of the false and impossible promises that doing certain things means you WILL find a long term partnership.

[Janelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate that Dr. Weber so clearly loves and roots for women. While she does tend to generalize (I would have appreciated more scientific references to support her findings that "most" women do not enjoy sex without emotional intimacy) I love the fact that she doesn't judge.

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I tossed and turned upon reading some of the findings about what causes women to behave and make decisions in the way they do. This collection of data is a must read for all women, but also informs men on how much influence we have to reroute the focus of what it takes build emotional intimacy.

[Ellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

thought it was slightly condescending in the beginning but it got better and better - useful insight and practical tips

[Jessica · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sex shaming is so 1950.

[Kara Marziali · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and relevant, but Dr. Weber does not give any practical strategies to help the behavior patterns she so knowledgeably writes about.

[Davis Haguma]

Good

[Spook Sulek · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, so there were some chapters that totally didn't apply, but others hit quite close to home. Good information, and I think I'm actually going to read one of the cited sources. A good book.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone raising a girl should read this.

[Mills College Library]

306.7082 W3746 2013

[Eve Stern · Rating 5 out of 5]

Woah, amazinggggggg book! So many thanks for Dr.Weber for writing this book! Really inspiring and motivating and she provides such a great tool set for you to do so! Must read for every woman, ever.