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272 pages, Paperback
First published December 31, 2013
TO WHAT END
You are an adult,—and at times filled with
disgust,
but you can do nothing about it, so admit it
finally.
Go back,—says a voice at times like this,
and just sit on the ground and speak to the sky.
You mean you can’t?—it asks, almost crying.
Just start from the foot of the chair, and look!
To the left lies China
and to the right, the eternal hunting grounds,
and clover.
O, come, where is that old Indian pride?
you say you no longer care from whence the
wind blows?—
And that you’re content to grow old, teach, and
write poetry…
“Just sit on the ground and speak to the sky.”
But he refuses to sit. And will not talk.
And so he grows up, but never knows why.
BIRTH
I was born among lives that ran on threads then
got lost, as two lives
were traded for my wonderful life.
I was born amidst death, as worlds crumbled,
and the month of May mourned for the dead;
Mine must be the most expensive of lives, for two were traded for one, and were given back to timelessness.
And I arrived soundlessly without a voice. And the somber trees spoke of the flowers and then of the dead.
My mother spoke first who died for me, but never kissed me.
She could speak but would not kiss.
And though it was May I received no warmth nor kisses.
As yet, I had no voice, and my mother said:
“I will leave and take with me your dreams. I will leave and take from you your tears. I will leave and take with me your dreams and tears.”
As yet, I had no voice, and my Brother said: “I will leave even though I never arrived.
I will leave because I must.
I will leave because I am stillborn.
I will leave and take with me your Mother who will die in labor somewhere.
I will leave, but pay attention to the months of May. For therein lies your fate.
I will leave, and take with me all that can never be.
I will leave, and you will be left alone.”
And it was then that I found my voice and cried.
For he left and took with him the dream.
He left and took with him the tear.
He left and took with him my Mother.
He left, and she left, too.
And they took with them all that can never be.
Yes, it was then that I found my voice and cried.
And ever since I have been alone in the months of May.
And I almost died with them as well.
And it was a buxom German girl who nursed but never kissed me, and I firmly believe I planted my first kiss on her swollen nipples. Yes, I am sure that she was my very first love.
TO BE SAID OVER AND OVER
My mother gave birth to twins,
then died right there on the spot
may she rest in peace with my brother
in their common grave.
My father died as well,
it seems that the work did him in,
first came the autopsy
and then the church steeple,
— and so I could not reach him,—
they piled high his soul,
and I have been waiting ever since
for it to fall.
It’s two years since I last heard him whistle, and
he’s gone,
and he sleeps deep within the ground; no sharpclawed
lover to rock him now, only the pounding earth
mutely gathering its terrifying clumps
to slowly harden and dry between his ribs.
A POEM FOR MEN
1. It is a man’s curse, this lofty loneliness;
one that neither woman, nor dog can
understand.
It lurks and strolls about inside,
like the sun’s
warmth
that promenades in fruit weighed down
with
autumn,
one can almost hear it surge and swell,
as it thrusts the rustling waters unto the dry
shores,
perhaps the footsteps of the snow- ruffled wind
are as familiar.
A DUCKLING BATHES
A duckling bathes and dips in the black pond,
where a voluptuous girl bathes in a
laundry tub, everything’s laid bare, as she
splashes, and scrubs, and tosses her hair;
I know that soon she will sprawl out in the warming
sun,
and will welcome me with her chattering teeth,
as I slip softly between her warbling thighs!
Sometimes I feel as if I’m your son,
lurking in the dark, watching you undress,
my eyes gleaming and wide with wonder,
an adolescent plagued with self- loathing,
but then I’m falling in love with you.
Falling in love with you,
having glimpsed your forbidden body.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m your son,
when you kiss me on my brow,
and though tormented by guilt and terror
I lightly brush your lips with mine,
and I’m falling in love with you.
Falling in love with you,
knowing that you’re mine.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m your son,
your debased and lovesick son,
and on cold and guilty nights like this
I rest my head upon your breast
after our passionate kisses.
After our passionate kisses, my dear beloved.
(...)
We broke apart.
My lips bloodied by your kisses, and you gasped
and begged for me to stay.
But I will not stay.
So go quietly inside, so I can take my leave
and wander among the mile markers in the
mud.
What are you staring at?
Haven’t our snow- white evenings been followed
by a melting, tear- stained thaw,
Are you even listening?
To how among the sickly trees winter’s
moldy saints bemoan the summer.
Stop your crying.
You only make your eyes ugly with your tears
and anyway, I can’t bear it.
Do you hear?
How the wind careens and howls in the hills
while here before you lies the ruffled mud.
Do you understand me?
Mud. Mud and Hatred that lurk beneath
every great and gleaming love affair.
So go now.
I both adore and hate you,
and for that I’ll leave you on this road.
My dear.
I once loved you to distraction, and perhaps
if we ever meet again we can pick up where we
left off.
Go now.
FROM PSALMS OF RAPTURE
I am sadder than a willow by the riverbank, but love you with the most beautiful of words,
you who are a hundred times more simple
than simplicity, more beautiful than beauty.
IN YOUR TWO ARMS
In your two arms
I rock silently.
In my two arms
you rock in silence.
In your two arms
I am a child, sleeping.
In my two arms
you are a child, listening.
In your two arms
you enfold me
when I’m afraid.
In my two arms I enfold you
and I no longer fear.
In your two arms
even death’s silence
cannot frighten me.
In your two arms
I overcome death
as in a dream.
I am I, to myself,
and I am you, to you,
and to you, you are I,
from two separate kingdoms.
And two of us make we.
But only, if I agree.