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With or Without Me: A Memoir of Losing and Finding
With or Without Me
is an unsparing and eloquent critique of religion. Yet Esther Maria Magnis’s ire is merely the beginning of an exceptional journey toward belief and God—a journey punctuated by personal losses retold with intense immediacy. “Maybe God is a sadist,” she writes, “a big baby who had a terrible upbringing. If, as Christians claim, God is love, then it’s a kind of love I do not understand.” She dares to believe anyway, although her questioning won’t let up. She fiercely dismantles both the clichéd phrases she’s heard in church and the vague progressive pieties of her parents’ generation.
Esther Maria Magnis knows believing in God is anything but easy. Because he allows people to suffer. Because he’s invisible. And silent. “I think we miss God,” she writes, “I would never want to persuade anyone or put myself above atheists. I know there are good reasons not to believe. But sometimes I think most people are just sad that he’s not there.”
With or Without Me is a book for everyone—believer or unbeliever, Christian or atheist—who refuses to surrender to the idea that, just because there can be beauty and truth, there must also be clear answers to the big questions in life.
Esther Maria Magnis knows believing in God is anything but easy. Because he allows people to suffer. Because he’s invisible. And silent. “I think we miss God,” she writes, “I would never want to persuade anyone or put myself above atheists. I know there are good reasons not to believe. But sometimes I think most people are just sad that he’s not there.”
With or Without Me is a book for everyone—believer or unbeliever, Christian or atheist—who refuses to surrender to the idea that, just because there can be beauty and truth, there must also be clear answers to the big questions in life.
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First published January 1, 2012
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About the author
Esther Maria Magnis
4 books13 followersEsther Maria Magnis, a German writer, was born in 1980. She studied comparative religion and history in Germany and Italy and has worked as a journalist. She now lives and works in southwestern Germany.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 89 reviews
March 31, 2025
Hier kan ik niet over uit. Dit boek verslond me met huid en haar - ik las het niet, het las mij. En dat wil ik opnieuw en opnieuw. Onwaarschijnlijk direct, rauw, ontzagwekkend en liefdevol - recht uit en recht in je hart. Over geloven in God en wat dat zegt en betekent, terwijl het misschien ook vooral gaat over verliezen, diep diep verliezen en op de bodem van alles en dan nog net daaronder hoop vinden. De beschrijving van wat dit boek met me doet las ik in het verhaal zelf:
‘(..) dat raakt mij ook vandaag nog zo dat ik niet op kan springen (..) maar moet blijven zitten, en niets meer kan zeggen’
‘(..) dat raakt mij ook vandaag nog zo dat ik niet op kan springen (..) maar moet blijven zitten, en niets meer kan zeggen’
March 26, 2022
This was a rough read but well worth it. This women's spiritual journey was expressed openly and honestly. At each rough patch in her life, she questioned why God would allow pain and suffering, as all believers do at various times in their lives. I felt she was very blunt and held nothing back, which I appreciated. There are some very profound moments expressed here.
Since this book was published by Plough Publishing House, which is a Christian publisher, I was quite surprised at the often-used foul language. I've become a bit sensitive to the language that seems to be accepted these days in books, TV and movies. There were times when the author was ranting at God when I could have accepted this more, but it was used throughout the book. This is just my own personal dislike and really didn't take away from the value of the book as a whole.
This book was won by me in a book giveaway.
Since this book was published by Plough Publishing House, which is a Christian publisher, I was quite surprised at the often-used foul language. I've become a bit sensitive to the language that seems to be accepted these days in books, TV and movies. There were times when the author was ranting at God when I could have accepted this more, but it was used throughout the book. This is just my own personal dislike and really didn't take away from the value of the book as a whole.
This book was won by me in a book giveaway.
May 15, 2019
Wat een rotboek. Oprecht lang niet zo'n naar en tegelijkertijd fabuleus boek gelezen, juist omdat het zo'n confronterend boek is en het zo tot denken over en tot geloven aanzet. Hoe kun je zo in godsnaam leven, mag je je toch wel afvragen? De lijdensweg om je heen is de lijdensweg van jezelf, Esther. En je moet.
Het boek vertelt een strijd die herkenbaar kan aandoen. Het roept vragen op, frustratie, wanhoop, en hoop. Geloof gaat weg en is nergens zo aanwezig als in dit verhaal. Wrang wel, als je leest hoe dat gaat. En daarom is het zo'n verrot goed boek. Daarom ook alle lof voor niet alleen de schrijfster, maar ook voor de vertaler, die het Duitse verhaal zo tot leven wist te brengen in het Nederlands.
Het boek vertelt een strijd die herkenbaar kan aandoen. Het roept vragen op, frustratie, wanhoop, en hoop. Geloof gaat weg en is nergens zo aanwezig als in dit verhaal. Wrang wel, als je leest hoe dat gaat. En daarom is het zo'n verrot goed boek. Daarom ook alle lof voor niet alleen de schrijfster, maar ook voor de vertaler, die het Duitse verhaal zo tot leven wist te brengen in het Nederlands.
July 6, 2016
Dit is denk ik het meest rakende en mooie boek wat ik de laatste jaren gelezen heb. Een zoektocht, vertwijfeld en stamelend, naar God, zowel inhoudelijk als taaltechnisch. Het boek begint wat hakkelend, maar sleurt al snel mee. Ik ga het zeker nog vaak herlezen en herkauwen. (De Nederlandse titel Mintijteer vind ik overigens mooier)
December 1, 2024
Sitz hier und heule. Ich weiß nicht was ich sagen soll. Ich hab so viele Fragen an Gott. Und gleichzeitig inspiriert mich dieser ehrliche Glaube von Esther so sehr.
Das ehrlichste Buch über den Glauben, das ich bis jetzt gelesen hab. Spannender als jeder Roman.
Das ehrlichste Buch über den Glauben, das ich bis jetzt gelesen hab. Spannender als jeder Roman.
November 15, 2024
dieses Buch hat mich zum Lachen gebracht, es hat mich zum weinen gebracht. Es hat mich inspiriert und fasziniert. Auf jeden Fall eine sehr sehr große Empfehlung!!
Und vor allem eines passte nicht - diese Kraft auf dem Dachboden, diese ruhige Liebe, war gut. Da hätte man mir noch so viele kluge Gedanken nennen mögen, dass Gott alles und nichts ist und so weiter, ganz egal - er war gut. Und diese Güte hatte, und das kann ich nicht wirklich erklären, wie soll man das sagen - die hatte eine Autorität, nur weil sie so gut war. Wenn sie sich neben einen Vogel auf die Erde knien würde, um ihn zu betrachten, dann würde alles, was hinter ihr ist, jeder Baum, jede erhobene Faust, jeder Gedanke, alle Dinge würden sich mit ihr neigen. So tief, wie Gott sich neigt, hinunter zu dem blinzelnden Spatz. Die Dinge müssten es nicht, dieser Gott befiehlt es nicht, aber sie tun es.
Weil er das Gute ist. Hinter ihm vollzieht alles seine Bewegung. Dazu zwingt er nicht. Sie vollziehen seine Bewegung in der Weise, wie Liebe sich vollzieht, sich vollziehen muss und will.
Wir sind wie kleine Vögel. Wir brauchen nichts. Nur die Freiheit.
Ich glaube, die Liebe in uns zieht uns. Nicht nur in die Arme eines anderen Menschen. Nicht nur durch die Räume, in die äußeren Zimmer, an die Fensterscheiben, wo der Atem das Glas beschlägt. Ich glaube, sie zieht einen viel weiter. Sie ist wie ein Kleinkind, das nichts von Zeit weiß. So beharrlich. Sie kann nicht beruhigt werden. Nur vorläufig, aber nie ganz. Sie zieht, zu Gott. Und darum leiden wir. Ich glaube, Gott fehlt uns. Ich glaube, wir vermissen Gott. Und wir sind verletzt. Nicht alle. Ich würde das niemals jemandem einreden wollen oder mich damit über Atheisten erheben wollen. Ich weiß, dass es gute Gründe gibt, nicht zu glauben. Aber manchmal denke ich, die meisten Menschen sind einfach nur traurig, dass er nicht da ist. Dass er schweigt. Und dass man darum selber irgendwann stumm wird. Ich habe damals langsam wieder zu sprechen begonnen.
Ich will mich nicht mehr entfernen von Gott.
Es macht keinen Sinn.
Und vor allem eines passte nicht - diese Kraft auf dem Dachboden, diese ruhige Liebe, war gut. Da hätte man mir noch so viele kluge Gedanken nennen mögen, dass Gott alles und nichts ist und so weiter, ganz egal - er war gut. Und diese Güte hatte, und das kann ich nicht wirklich erklären, wie soll man das sagen - die hatte eine Autorität, nur weil sie so gut war. Wenn sie sich neben einen Vogel auf die Erde knien würde, um ihn zu betrachten, dann würde alles, was hinter ihr ist, jeder Baum, jede erhobene Faust, jeder Gedanke, alle Dinge würden sich mit ihr neigen. So tief, wie Gott sich neigt, hinunter zu dem blinzelnden Spatz. Die Dinge müssten es nicht, dieser Gott befiehlt es nicht, aber sie tun es.
Weil er das Gute ist. Hinter ihm vollzieht alles seine Bewegung. Dazu zwingt er nicht. Sie vollziehen seine Bewegung in der Weise, wie Liebe sich vollzieht, sich vollziehen muss und will.
Wir sind wie kleine Vögel. Wir brauchen nichts. Nur die Freiheit.
Ich glaube, die Liebe in uns zieht uns. Nicht nur in die Arme eines anderen Menschen. Nicht nur durch die Räume, in die äußeren Zimmer, an die Fensterscheiben, wo der Atem das Glas beschlägt. Ich glaube, sie zieht einen viel weiter. Sie ist wie ein Kleinkind, das nichts von Zeit weiß. So beharrlich. Sie kann nicht beruhigt werden. Nur vorläufig, aber nie ganz. Sie zieht, zu Gott. Und darum leiden wir. Ich glaube, Gott fehlt uns. Ich glaube, wir vermissen Gott. Und wir sind verletzt. Nicht alle. Ich würde das niemals jemandem einreden wollen oder mich damit über Atheisten erheben wollen. Ich weiß, dass es gute Gründe gibt, nicht zu glauben. Aber manchmal denke ich, die meisten Menschen sind einfach nur traurig, dass er nicht da ist. Dass er schweigt. Und dass man darum selber irgendwann stumm wird. Ich habe damals langsam wieder zu sprechen begonnen.
Ich will mich nicht mehr entfernen von Gott.
Es macht keinen Sinn.
December 22, 2021
With or without is a statement of tension—“can’t live With or Without You,” the famous U2 song wails. We say it of habits we enjoy but know are bad for us in some way, or of people we love who nevertheless cause us pain. But what do you do when the object of this statement is yourself?
This is one question that underpins Esther Maria Magnis’ new memoir, With Or Without Me. Magnis’ actions and inner life after learning her father has terminal cancer seem to ask, “can you escape yourself when you feel you can’t live with yourself?” Or, echoing Søren Kierkegaard in The Sickness unto Death, “what even is the meaning of a self without God?”
Death seems an obvious means to escape one’s self, but only if death equates to annihilation. Christians don’t believe in such equality, and Magnis doesn’t either. Belief in a soul that survives physical death destroys what Kierkegaard aptly calls the “last hope, death” as a means of escape from ourselves. For the Christian, there is no death that is synonymous with ceasing to be.
Which leaves us as necessarily existing selves with two options. To stand autonomous, relying on human knowledge to construe our own rules and meaning, and subject to all the relativism that results—no one sees the world exactly the same way. Or, to stand before an absolute reality and truth that, by definition, is God, where all our ways of seeing are but shadow understandings of a greater whole. The division between faith in God and non-faith is not often considered in such stark terms, but from an early age Magnis recognises the stakes and painfully wrestles with them.
If we can’t escape, we must live with what we are given. And frequently that isn’t easy.
With or Without You played at my brother’s funeral. Reading or hearing those first three words jumpstarts my heart and I immediately think of death. Which is appropriate in this instance because Magnis’ book centres on death. On the twin conundrums it presents of finding meaning and purpose in our Earthly lives when we know they will end; and of holding onto faith when God seems silent in our suffering, and Christians around us have no words to help.
These are not a new questions, but reasoned theodicy has failed to answer them. Like the great Russian novelists before her, Magnis turns to experience for answers. Rather than trying to rationalise her suffering by abstracting herself outside it and fumbling for reasoned theological answers, she instead mines her experience of living through that suffering to glean meaning.
The result is a harrowing but consuming read that is inherently empirical. With or Without Me does not attempt to generalise the author’s experience into a unified theology or narrative, but instead presents an unglossed account of one person’s path through suffering and doubt. The Christian experience is not always pretty. Sometimes God will haul you kicking and screaming to faith with or without you being willing, with or without you feeling warm and fuzzy, and with or without you feeling a grand moment of conversion.
Dealing as it does with deep philosophical questions, yet without being an impenetrable academic work, this book could well serve those struggling with doubt or suffering who are not inclined to read systematic philosophical or theological texts.
I had a visceral reaction to With or Without Me, scared at times to continue reading as it awakened emotions from similar experiences of my own. Ultimately, common experiences unite us, and this memoir provides deep psychological insight into an inquisitive mind that death smacked down early in life and was not quite sure how to keep living.
This is one question that underpins Esther Maria Magnis’ new memoir, With Or Without Me. Magnis’ actions and inner life after learning her father has terminal cancer seem to ask, “can you escape yourself when you feel you can’t live with yourself?” Or, echoing Søren Kierkegaard in The Sickness unto Death, “what even is the meaning of a self without God?”
Death seems an obvious means to escape one’s self, but only if death equates to annihilation. Christians don’t believe in such equality, and Magnis doesn’t either. Belief in a soul that survives physical death destroys what Kierkegaard aptly calls the “last hope, death” as a means of escape from ourselves. For the Christian, there is no death that is synonymous with ceasing to be.
Which leaves us as necessarily existing selves with two options. To stand autonomous, relying on human knowledge to construe our own rules and meaning, and subject to all the relativism that results—no one sees the world exactly the same way. Or, to stand before an absolute reality and truth that, by definition, is God, where all our ways of seeing are but shadow understandings of a greater whole. The division between faith in God and non-faith is not often considered in such stark terms, but from an early age Magnis recognises the stakes and painfully wrestles with them.
If we can’t escape, we must live with what we are given. And frequently that isn’t easy.
With or Without You played at my brother’s funeral. Reading or hearing those first three words jumpstarts my heart and I immediately think of death. Which is appropriate in this instance because Magnis’ book centres on death. On the twin conundrums it presents of finding meaning and purpose in our Earthly lives when we know they will end; and of holding onto faith when God seems silent in our suffering, and Christians around us have no words to help.
These are not a new questions, but reasoned theodicy has failed to answer them. Like the great Russian novelists before her, Magnis turns to experience for answers. Rather than trying to rationalise her suffering by abstracting herself outside it and fumbling for reasoned theological answers, she instead mines her experience of living through that suffering to glean meaning.
The result is a harrowing but consuming read that is inherently empirical. With or Without Me does not attempt to generalise the author’s experience into a unified theology or narrative, but instead presents an unglossed account of one person’s path through suffering and doubt. The Christian experience is not always pretty. Sometimes God will haul you kicking and screaming to faith with or without you being willing, with or without you feeling warm and fuzzy, and with or without you feeling a grand moment of conversion.
Dealing as it does with deep philosophical questions, yet without being an impenetrable academic work, this book could well serve those struggling with doubt or suffering who are not inclined to read systematic philosophical or theological texts.
I had a visceral reaction to With or Without Me, scared at times to continue reading as it awakened emotions from similar experiences of my own. Ultimately, common experiences unite us, and this memoir provides deep psychological insight into an inquisitive mind that death smacked down early in life and was not quite sure how to keep living.
November 6, 2016
Mooi boek over de dood, de zin en onzin van het geloof en de zoektocht naar waarheid in het leven. Het is niet een boek dat luchtig leest, sommige passages zijn zo geschreven dat je de diepzinnigheid van de schrijfster even kwijtraakt. Maar absoluut een aanrader. En wat de titel van het boek betekent? Tja lees het zelf maar...
November 24, 2022
Eins der berührendsten Bücher, die ich bisher über Gott und Trauer gelesen habe.
July 24, 2024
Indrukwekkend!
March 23, 2022
There was a time when I was sent 8 religious books a month to review, so I've read quite a few "where is faith after loss/sickness" memoirs. This one touched nerves I didn't expect, was harder to read than I thought, but proved to be much more compelling than so many "inspirational books" I've picked up in the past. I can think of several reasons:
1) It presents an honest look at why "God is distant or only symbolically here" religion doesn't help in the midst of a tragedy.
2) It describes that messy journey of giving up on God, hitting rock bottom and finding that's no place to be, then slowly moving back to faith.
3) It doesn't pretend every single thing becomes settled/happy/dreamily uplifting when you re-find faith. The journey of grieving and puzzling through life's messy questions never fully stops. We then find God is walking alongside us as we puzzle.
1) It presents an honest look at why "God is distant or only symbolically here" religion doesn't help in the midst of a tragedy.
2) It describes that messy journey of giving up on God, hitting rock bottom and finding that's no place to be, then slowly moving back to faith.
3) It doesn't pretend every single thing becomes settled/happy/dreamily uplifting when you re-find faith. The journey of grieving and puzzling through life's messy questions never fully stops. We then find God is walking alongside us as we puzzle.
January 16, 2022
"I have to go...I have to go." Those were the last words my mother spoke to me, if she knew it was me, fighting to leave a hospice bed, throwing back the covers and showing strength in opposition to my hands trying to keep her in bed. "I have to go" echoes in the pages of this spiritual memoir by Esther Maria Magnis. It traces the supplication to God for the life of a cancer stricken father, to the questioning and rejection of that God. But the journey doesn't end there, and the author never completely closes the door. This memoir is a journey at once personal, unique and tragic laden. It is also reflective of a younger generation in Europe who have abandoned organized religion, belief in the God of those religions, and have made churches a Sunday morning wasteland. This memoir is faster paced than Thomas Merton's Seven Story Mountain, but the authors share a common loss- an abandonment in tragedy. Magnis has what Merton lacked: A strong (yet flawed) family unit. It is an unlikely member of that family, and a word she speaks from the past, which awakens Magnis and her relationship with God. A relationship which will be tested again, in a cruel and shocking development. My bookmark for these pages featured a butterfly; the morning of my mother's death, hours after declaring "I have to go," her hospice door was marked with a crocheted butterfly, a symbol of the spirit set free. To those who have questioned God and his ways, and for those who have questioned amid the illness and death of a loved one, this memoir and journey will resonate and maybe provide some peace. I am grateful to Plough for sending me this for review.
March 24, 2021
Left me puzzled.
I really enjoyed the way the author put her feelings and deep struggles into words that made me feel and struggle deeply alongside her. Sometimes she went really far into one direction of thinking and lost me somewhere on the way but in general this book made her journey to god come alive.
I‘d recommend this book for everyone willing to confront their own belief or disbelief and/or searching for some meaning and answers in their own lifes. The author in this book tells the story of her own faith by describing what she went through in life. Though I still don‘t fully understand how her faith grew from her sufferings (though I don‘t think she fully understands it either), this book made me reconsider some of my own conclusions about life and religion or things I took for granted.
What I thoroughly enjoyed about this book was the way she challenges church as an institution harshly on points she dislikes and also cherishes it for the good sides she sees in it.
A very honest book, it made me cry and laugh and also hate and love the god she found for herself.
I really enjoyed the way the author put her feelings and deep struggles into words that made me feel and struggle deeply alongside her. Sometimes she went really far into one direction of thinking and lost me somewhere on the way but in general this book made her journey to god come alive.
I‘d recommend this book for everyone willing to confront their own belief or disbelief and/or searching for some meaning and answers in their own lifes. The author in this book tells the story of her own faith by describing what she went through in life. Though I still don‘t fully understand how her faith grew from her sufferings (though I don‘t think she fully understands it either), this book made me reconsider some of my own conclusions about life and religion or things I took for granted.
What I thoroughly enjoyed about this book was the way she challenges church as an institution harshly on points she dislikes and also cherishes it for the good sides she sees in it.
A very honest book, it made me cry and laugh and also hate and love the god she found for herself.
May 19, 2025
Fand’s nice, muss aber sagen dass es eher ne autobiografische Auseinandersetzung mit Gott dem Leid und der Welt ist, die irgendwie schon spirituell Vorraussetzungen hat
Auch keine lückenlose theologische Auseinandersetzung, gerade hinsichtlich nihilismus usw, aber gerade das tut dem Thema gut, ebenso der Stil der Autorin, Empfehlung für alle die ein persönliches Plädoyer für einen Ringen mit Gott im Leid suchen
Auch keine lückenlose theologische Auseinandersetzung, gerade hinsichtlich nihilismus usw, aber gerade das tut dem Thema gut, ebenso der Stil der Autorin, Empfehlung für alle die ein persönliches Plädoyer für einen Ringen mit Gott im Leid suchen
September 13, 2025
"En ik, ik zat er midden in, in dat shit theater." Met zijn clown & mevrouw Klikspaan, maar toch; Alleen nog God... Wat een verhaal met veel herkenning. Echt een aanrader over hoe God zwijgt en zwijgt en er dan toch ook nog is. Fascinerend.
February 5, 2024
Heel mooi geschreven boek, met de rauwe werkelijkheid en de zoektocht naar (on)zin in het leven en naar God. Aanrader!
September 16, 2024
Unglaublich faszinierendes und wahres Buch. Selten so viel Wahrheit über gottes Wesen gelesen und gespürt. Große Empfehlung 🥹
April 24, 2022
WITH OR WITHOUT ME
A Memoir of Losing and Finding
by Esther Maria Magnis
Auden’s ekphrasic poem “Musee des Beaux Arts” explores the meaning of suffering in reference to Brueghel’s painting where “everything turns away quite leisurely from the disaster” of a boy falling to his death. Esther Maria Magnis also references each section of her memoir to visuals that provide, like art, a concentrated center of meaning that the writer both observes and extends. The primal blocks of intense color, Red 1, White as Snow 2, and Black as Ebony 3, parallel the spectrum of a young woman’s emotional, physical, and spiritual journey through extreme suffering. The reader is drawn back to these dense colors of reference while reading the narrative of her shattered life that made philosophy and theology useless and a mockery of well-meant platitudes.
Her description tears at the reader in its raw portrayal of her life destroyed by pain and yet her double-edged sense that God both loves and allows it. Her shocking use of personification and metaphor in White as Snow 2 drags us with her into a fantastic theater where “Pain sits there patiently waiting just offstage, waiting in the wings…He’s just there running his own show,” while a clown takes the place of the absent theater manager, and philosophers and theologians are “like a little corps de ballet dancing around their prima ballerina.” But later, the young woman is moved beyond both rage and despair into emptiness when “The snitch came by in secret…She was death’s little sister, or his baby sitter. Or maybe her pimp.” Negation is her game as she continues to whittle and finally says, “Nothing matters now.”
The reader can more clearly apprehend the movement from the visual Red 1 that introduces the red world of youth and life-blood to the abyss introduced by White as Snow 2, as the writer describes her movement from faith in a miracle to a hell beyond despair. But the last section, Black as Ebony 3 is more ambiguous as it intertwines the primal visual metaphor for death and the writer’s recognition of God who is always both beyond and always present. The hard-edged experiences of her suffering move her to truths that open her to God as ultimate Truth but also as mystery, whose voice out of the storm upends Job’s complaints. The writer, now a professed Catholic in her native Germany, does not put herself above those of other beliefs or no belief. Her story is not an argument but an extraordinary personal story of both terror and beauty shared with us as we also travel.
Judith Robinson
July 21, 2022
Summary: A memoir of losing a father to cancer and the loss of faith that came when earnest, believing prayers went unanswered, and the slow journey back.
Esther’s father announced the news as Christmas approached. He had cancer and the doctors said it was too advanced for them to do anything. He had weeks to a few months to live. Esther had grown up in a church-going family in Germany. Her first prayer was, “I want to keep dad.” She, her brother, and sister joined in attic prayer meetings. Her father fought back and for a short while, the cancer relented and it seemed their prayers were being answered. And then it came roaring back. And for a time, she prayed even more, believing they would travel to Spain as a family. But dad died. And God died to Esther.
The middle part of this book is hard reading, as Esther retells the rawness of her grief, her anger at the God who did not act, who was silent. She skips school, drinks, and embraces all the skepticism of those around her about God and truth. This section is full of expletives, many directed toward God. She engages in internal debates with “the clown” and “the snitch” representing skepticism about God and truth and even one’s own existence. Finally she hits rock bottom during a forest party a year after her father died on Easter weekend and declares, “I don’t care.”
Silence. God is silent, and yet present. She realizes that “God subverts silence. There must be a power there we do not understand.” Singing a lullaby to her grandmother who suffers from dementia, she sings the words “He has not forgotten thee” and remembers how she heard it as a child–“Godandthee.’ She questions the certitude of those who confidently assert “there is no truth.” How can they be so confident, then of the truth of this statement? Slowly she gropes her way back to faith, just in time for her brother, who will face his own existential crisis.
This is a powerful memoir. No easy answers. Hard painful realities of life. Unvarnished and raw at times. Believing can be challenging. But for the author, not believing is even harder. In the end, she faced the reality that despite all the hard stuff, at the bottom of reality, “God is.”
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher via LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer Program.
Esther’s father announced the news as Christmas approached. He had cancer and the doctors said it was too advanced for them to do anything. He had weeks to a few months to live. Esther had grown up in a church-going family in Germany. Her first prayer was, “I want to keep dad.” She, her brother, and sister joined in attic prayer meetings. Her father fought back and for a short while, the cancer relented and it seemed their prayers were being answered. And then it came roaring back. And for a time, she prayed even more, believing they would travel to Spain as a family. But dad died. And God died to Esther.
The middle part of this book is hard reading, as Esther retells the rawness of her grief, her anger at the God who did not act, who was silent. She skips school, drinks, and embraces all the skepticism of those around her about God and truth. This section is full of expletives, many directed toward God. She engages in internal debates with “the clown” and “the snitch” representing skepticism about God and truth and even one’s own existence. Finally she hits rock bottom during a forest party a year after her father died on Easter weekend and declares, “I don’t care.”
Silence. God is silent, and yet present. She realizes that “God subverts silence. There must be a power there we do not understand.” Singing a lullaby to her grandmother who suffers from dementia, she sings the words “He has not forgotten thee” and remembers how she heard it as a child–“Godandthee.’ She questions the certitude of those who confidently assert “there is no truth.” How can they be so confident, then of the truth of this statement? Slowly she gropes her way back to faith, just in time for her brother, who will face his own existential crisis.
This is a powerful memoir. No easy answers. Hard painful realities of life. Unvarnished and raw at times. Believing can be challenging. But for the author, not believing is even harder. In the end, she faced the reality that despite all the hard stuff, at the bottom of reality, “God is.”
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher via LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer Program.
July 6, 2023
I appreciated this author so much! No pat answers to suffering, just a genuine and honest wrestling with a God who can handle our doubts, frustrations and anger. I didn’t know where she was going to land with her faith until the end of the book.
April 14, 2026
A super honest, beautiful and sad book, but really 'enjoyed' it
February 26, 2022
With or Without Me is a memoir of the author's faith journey, beginning when she was but four years old. As a girl, she remembers going to church with her parents (one Catholic, one Protestant), deeply wanting to believe in God yet not really understanding who God is, or what sets his believers apart from the rest of the people she knows (and in her later years, the non-Christians of the world).
As she grows, she longs to feel close to Him. At one point, she gathers her brother and sisters and to pray together in the attic for their father who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. They want to pray, but are unsure how, and the silence grows as they wonder how to ask for what is so heavy on their hearts. "In that silence, a calm emerged. A peaceful patience. It was not our waiting anymore. It was HIS. The peace of mind that filled this patience wasn't one we ourselves could feel. This peacefulness wasn't ours, but we knew that it was the truth. And truth always only poses one question. And the only answer is "Yes," and it utters itself." They feel God's presence and are emboldened to pray for their father. The connection is made, God is real and has shown Himself to each of them. They meet to pray daily.
As her father gets sicker and dies, she cannot reconcile the reality of what her earthly father suffered, and the despair that now covers the family with the God she thought she understood. How could He have let this happen? What is reality? What is true? If you cannot believe in God does anything in life matter? Is all for nothing? In her anger and her pain, she yells at God and kicks Him out of her life only to find His silence and distance unbearable and her life awful without Him.
For years, she questions, rages, and scoffs of the meaningless of existence, but she keeps returning to the idea of God, and the relationship she once shared and still wants with Him. "Even if God didn't roar or storm into my life, the realization that he was God was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. I had to act on it. It was the most powerful thing I'd ever witnessed, even more than all the deaths I'd experienced." Ultimately, she decides to believe in God, despite her questions, despite the times she is afraid, despite not understanding the larger picture.
I commend the author for sharing her faith journey struggle/story so openly and honestly. Her story mirrors that of so many people.
My thanks to the author and to Plough Publishing for allowing me to read an e-ARC of this book via NetGalley. It is scheduled for publication on 3/22/22. All opinions expressed in this review are my own and are freely given.
As she grows, she longs to feel close to Him. At one point, she gathers her brother and sisters and to pray together in the attic for their father who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. They want to pray, but are unsure how, and the silence grows as they wonder how to ask for what is so heavy on their hearts. "In that silence, a calm emerged. A peaceful patience. It was not our waiting anymore. It was HIS. The peace of mind that filled this patience wasn't one we ourselves could feel. This peacefulness wasn't ours, but we knew that it was the truth. And truth always only poses one question. And the only answer is "Yes," and it utters itself." They feel God's presence and are emboldened to pray for their father. The connection is made, God is real and has shown Himself to each of them. They meet to pray daily.
As her father gets sicker and dies, she cannot reconcile the reality of what her earthly father suffered, and the despair that now covers the family with the God she thought she understood. How could He have let this happen? What is reality? What is true? If you cannot believe in God does anything in life matter? Is all for nothing? In her anger and her pain, she yells at God and kicks Him out of her life only to find His silence and distance unbearable and her life awful without Him.
For years, she questions, rages, and scoffs of the meaningless of existence, but she keeps returning to the idea of God, and the relationship she once shared and still wants with Him. "Even if God didn't roar or storm into my life, the realization that he was God was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. I had to act on it. It was the most powerful thing I'd ever witnessed, even more than all the deaths I'd experienced." Ultimately, she decides to believe in God, despite her questions, despite the times she is afraid, despite not understanding the larger picture.
I commend the author for sharing her faith journey struggle/story so openly and honestly. Her story mirrors that of so many people.
My thanks to the author and to Plough Publishing for allowing me to read an e-ARC of this book via NetGalley. It is scheduled for publication on 3/22/22. All opinions expressed in this review are my own and are freely given.
September 2, 2020
"De enige reden om er bang voor te zijn je leven aan God te geven, is als je gelooft dat je zelf een beter plan hebt. Dat je de waarheid hebt, en weet waarom je hier bent. Ik weet dat niet. Mij blijft niets anders over dan hem te volgen en achterna te strompelen en in mijn twijfel mijn werkelijkheid opnieuw in stukken te laten slaan." (197)
December 31, 2017
Ontzettend mooi boek! De schrijfster vertelt haar worsteling met de dood en lijden in haar omgeving in relatie tot haar geloof. Ze brengt de intensiteit van die ervaring erg goed over. Enorme aanrader!
February 27, 2020
Some good observations on human suffering and the meaning and nature of faith, but overall a tad disappointing given the glowing reviews I had read.
October 16, 2024
Lees dit boek, indrukwekkend.
November 24, 2024
A moving memoir about reckoning with God's silence amidst suffering and the challenges of a secular culture.
January 25, 2025
Ontstellend bemoedigend en andersom las ik eerder in een recensie, en zo is het denk ik ook. Heb het boek na acht jaar weer herlezen. Zo lang blijft het nu zeker niet meer ongelezen.
August 31, 2025
“Men heeft altijd gezelschap bij het denken, ook als men het niet merkt.”
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