Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner's Guide to Grief

by Annie Sklaver Orenstein

A practical, compassionate guide to sibling loss, with research, stories, and strategies for “forgotten mourners” as they move through the stages of grief towards finding meaning.​ After her brother was killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan, Annie Sklaver Orenstein was heartbroken and unmoored. Standing in the grief section of her local bookstore, she searched for guides on how to work through her grief as a mourning sibling—and found nothing. More than 4 million American adults each year will lose a sibling, yet there isn't a modern resource guide available that speaks directly to this type of grief that at times can be overshadowed by grieving parents and spouses and made even more difficult by the complexities of sibling dynamics. In AlwaysaSibling, Annie uses her own story and those of others to create the empathic, thoughtful, practical resource that she sought. Divided into three With, Without, and Within, AlwaysaSibling creates a framework that enables the reader to ground themselves in order to process and validate this often overlooked grief. Annie guides readers to capture the memories and emotions of life with their now deceased sibling, then moves to addressing the grieving process in detail as they navigate life without them. Ultimately, readers will find ways to experience their sibling's presence within themselves and acknowledge their legacy. With practical strategies rooted in proven grief processing techniques, trauma recovery, and psychoanalysis, Always A Sibling truly supports mourners through the unique experience of sibling loss. 

Genres: Grief, Self Help, Nonfiction, Health

251 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 28, 2024

Reviews

[Lydia Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I could have read this book six years ago. My younger brother died in a car wreck at the age of 40 years old. I was so full of grief and sorrow letting it consume me. I read a few books about dealing with the loss of a loved one, but none of the books I read gave me any encouragement. This book guides readers to capture the memories and emotions of life with their now deceased sibling and addresses the grieving process. I will be gifting this book to a friend that has lost a sibling. Highly recommend.

[Kat Haynes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was part of the surveyed group for this book and was so looking forward to reading it as soon as it came out. It’s a wonderful resource that I wish I had had six years ago when my younger sister, Abbey died. More than anything, it is a nice reminder that you are not alone in anything you’re feeling/have felt/will feel. Thank you, Annie for sharing your story and compiling all of ours into a beautiful guide for others. I’m sure Ben is so proud!

[Laura Hundley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I lost my sister in 2022 and was extremely happy that I won this book. I then lost my mother in November 2023 so what was inside actually helped me understand how to deal with what was happening. The author lost her brother and what seemed like something that you would not be able to take care of such as your grief much less yourself. There is not one size fits all to grief. Yet sometimes when you hear someone else’s story and to know that you are not alone, makes it more bearable. This does not contain a bunch of Christianity that some may not be interested in but I have to believe that my mother, sister, and my son are in a better place and are so happy with those who have gone before us.

This book also contains others stories of sibling loss. The author looked for a book or books that spoke directly to those who will lose a sibling. There was nothing. Even though 4 million people will lose their siblings each year. Divided into three sections, with, without, and within, the author is setting the stage for the reader to understand that there will be pain and grief but Orenstein explains that memories and the emotions created are the best thing to experience. Remembering your siblings will validate their legacy.

This is a great book that will help the reader with their trauma and grief experiences and I found it very helpful. I love the way the author wrote the book and how the three different sections spoke to you in a way that showed how to remember. To remember your sibling, remember the good times and to remember above all, your love for them.

5 beautiful stars

Thank you to the author, publisher and Goodreads for giving me a copy to read in exchange for my unbiased and honest review.

[Geraldine (geraldinereads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's uncommon to find grief books that cover sibling loss, let alone grief books that mention losing a sibling to suicide. This is the first grief book that continuously mentions suicide in every aspect and chapter. I really appreciate being included since other grief books only cover accidents, addiction, and illness.

This would've been a great book for me to pick up right after losing my brother with no direction or resources. I'm 2 years out from losing my brother to suicide, and it's still hard when I get asked by someone I just met "do you have siblings?" (The author has a chapter on that and this is especially helpful when the loss is fresh or if you aren't asked that question often and haven't thought about how to form an answer).

This would definitely be the perfect gift and read for someone with a very recent sibling loss. It was still a great read and I'm even more self aware on some things I need to do more of to help me heal.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book through a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review. Thanks to Hachette Books for choosing me.

I'm a firm believer that books find us when we need them most. It is helpful, without being self-help or pushy. It is accepting of the fact that our stories aren't the same and yet it unites us by letting us know that we aren't alone. Grief is a tricky subject to write about, its emotional, its painful and its not a subject most people want to talk about. Most people I know would rather avoid it than face it, me included sometimes. Everyone whose ever been through it knows it comes in waves and when you least expect it too it will knock you down. This book gives you hope and although it may not be a linear journey it allows you too see that there is always light in the darkness that we feel.

Annie Sklaver Orenstein does a wonderful job of writing about grief and giving us ways to walk through our journey with grace. Thank you to Annie for that. This is a book I highly recommend to anyone who needs encouragement while walking in their grief journey.

[jenna whitlow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book I wish I had in January 2021 when my older brother suddenly passed away from a medical incident while on deployment in the Navy. A lot of the things in this book are things that I have learned from other books and podcasts and my own experience grieving, so it didn’t have a lot of new information for me at this point. It would have been helpful to have these things distilled into one place for the beginning of my grief journey. Definitely still cathartic to read nonetheless. I appreciate the work that Orenstein has done to give a voice and a space to heal for grieving siblings. Her story mirrors mine in a lot of ways and I actually would have loved to have heard more about her personal grief journey since we are both in gold star families - but I understand that wasn’t necessarily the point of the book. I enjoyed getting to know Ben and I am grateful for her vulnerability in sharing about him.

Lost a star for me due to some structural issues - there were some moments where information was repeated a few times and there were overall flow/editing things that impacted my reading experience, but it was still well written and I would recommend this book as an excellent starting point for someone who has lost a sibling. I devoured it in a sitting - but if you’ve just recently lost a sibling, please take your time with it and take breaks as things become too overwhelming. If you need this book, I am sorry for your loss and I hope it helps.

[Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I lost my little brother on November 19th, 2024. His death was unexpected and his absence feels unbearable because his presence was so huge. This book was a warm hug and a reminder that others have experienced this pain. I’ve recommended my other siblings read this as well. Thank you for sharing Ben with us. Stumbling upon this book has given me guidance to carry Josh with me and to tell his story. He lived a big life and I want to keep his memory alive in that same way.

[Stephanie Sarazin]

Wow. Always a Sibling is a moving read that captures the unique complexities of sibling relationships and the often overlooked, devastating impact of those who outlive their brothers/sisters. Annie's candid reflections about her beloved brother, Ben, will provide solace and understanding for those who have endured such loss.

As a grieving sister myself, I recommend this book as a must-read for anyone who has experienced the death of a sibling. Thank you to the author for writing with such heart and clarity - her story and those of others she shares are a testament to the enduring power of love.

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an incredible book. Thank you, Annie, for writing the book I longed for 40 years, yes, 40 years ago, when my brother Michael died. An essential book on sibling loss. The book I will recommended to any of my fellow & sister forgotten mourners.

It’s a club I wish I wasn’t in but I’m grateful I’m no longer alone.

Thank you for helping me feel seen and helping me heal.

[Mandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an incredible resource for anyone who has lost a sibling. I lost my youngest brother in 2017 and felt so much of this book resonate with my experience. It is so well done including a variety of experiences- absolutely recommend for anyone grieving a sibling.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so necessary. if you find yourself in the position where you’ve lost a sibling, you will find yourself in these pages. this book is for any sibling, no matter the relationship you had.

[Dr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent and important book that is thorough and user-friendly. It is designed to help a group of under-represented mourners, the siblings in loss, find their voice. It is relatable and provides insights and strategies to assist siblings process a life-changing event that will affect them throughout their life-span. If you have lost a sibling, this book will help you get to the heart of your loss experience and help you feel less adrift and alone. It is an essential resource. Thank you, Annie, for using your heartbreaking loss to aid so many others on their own grief journeys find their way.

[Marie Polega · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was a very well-written book, and appreciated that the author included her own experiences as well as those of other bereaved siblings that she interviewed.  I also found it helpful that she included so much research, on sibling relationships, grief, and specifically, some of the few studies on sibling grief. I liked the way the book was organized, with the exception of the exercise section being separate in the back of the book instead of each exercise with its corresponding chapter. Overall I found a lot of useful information packed into a relatively short book, and I had to read it more slowly to allow time for processing.

[I A · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being an only child, you wouldn't think I would have any interest in this book, but I do enjoy reading about brothers and sisters who sincerely love each other, so this had to be a must-read for me.

Regarding the topic of grief and dealing with it as discussed in the book, I feel religious people will be able to relate to some of it, but not all. I feel the book itself is written more generally so that anyone can read it, but I do feel secular or irreligious people will relate more to it than others.

[Vanessa Ya Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a labor of love. The love, research, and tears that went into this book is apparent. Thank you.

I work with siblings in the hospital who are facing a death of a sibling and so I wanted to learn more. This book is such a great resource. Not only did I find new books to read about grief, but I learned of new songs, movies and other great social media grief platforms.

I marked so many pages but couldn’t highlight since it was a library book!

My dad died a year ago and there were many pages that were just as relevant to my grief journey.

[Lorna Miller-Fik · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who works for a sibling bereavement charity, we are always keen to see narratives that focus on the topic of sibling specific grief and identity as a sibling, following the death of a brother or sister.
The narrative of Always a Sibling is powerful, covering emotive topics with a clear thread of hope. This, combined with practical tools that may help the reader feel seen in their grief and help them to cope, whichever part of their grief journey they are in.

[Adge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this book. My sister, Elise, passed 23 years ago and my coping mechanism is/was humor. Very distasteful, uncomfortable humor for many of my other loved ones so they just couldn’t help me in the way I needed. In addition to being very private about sadness, I hate to bring a mood in the room down. This book - has matched so many thoughts (verbatim) that I’ve never shared. I’m so sorry for your loss and for the loss of the other siblings, but this new community has allowed me to bring my sister back to life and YES, provided more memories for me to share with my parents which helps in their grief.
The lyrics, song references and Ben’s playlist match many of my “Elise playlist” and “Grief Playlists”. I truly feel lighter because of this book.

[Jessica Rios-Flores · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written and impactful for siblings!

[Darian Decker · Rating 5 out of 5]

An intense, warm, sobbing hug of a book that I could have used when I was 12, but equally needed at 31. So grateful Annie did this incredibly hard thing to help others like herself feel seen.

[Laura McCorry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you for an ARC in exchange for an honest review. As a grief therapist (and a griever), I'll admit I was very skeptical to read a book on grieving where the word "manual" was involved. I absolutely LOVED this book and cried multiple times throughout. Annie has a wonderful way with words that makes you cry and also a sense of humor that helps ground you in reality. I loved hearing other grievers stories and they were all in alignment with my own experience and the experiences I hear daily. Truly a wonderfully written book and an amazing tribute to Ben (her brother).

[Mallory · Rating 4 out of 5]

I missed my brother today and found this book. I have read a few books on grief since his passing, but none have adequately addressed the unique experience of sibling loss. This book is not heavy on exercises to do to cope with loss (some are included + further resources), so it may not be what you’re looking for if that’s what you want. Instead the book offers catharsis and invites all siblings of the dead to feel their feelings.

[Ale Valdez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book took me a while to read because I could only get through a few pages at a time before I would start to cry. I am grateful this book exists, and recommend for anyone who is grieving the loss of a sibling to take your time ❤️‍🩹

[Juliet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nothing but praise for Annie Sklaver Orenstein’s book “Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner’s Guide TO Grief”. We have been waiting years for a book that speaks specifically to the unique aspects of sibling loss and grief. Annie’s writing is clear and easy to digest but more importantly the content is gold.

As a sibling loss griever and therapist who specializes in sibling loss grief we are so grateful that we finally have a comprehensive book to recommend to clients.

It’s been years since a grief book has had us in tears. We were crying at how seen we felt in our sibling grief. No other book has touched upon the anxieties that us sibling grievers experience like; the fears of having our own children one day or the thoughts of needing to have more than two kids just in case something happens to one of the siblings.

Annie speaks to the isolation and forgotten feelings that show up in sibling grief, how the type of death can add to those unique aspects of sibling grief, and the normalization of yearning for more memories.

Thank you Annie for creating this book. Thank you being vulnerable in sharing your stories and sharing the stories of other sibling loss survivors. If you are experiencing grief following the death of a sibling or know someone who has lost a sibling and are unsure how to support them- go and get this book ASAP.

BRB while I recommended “Always a Sibling” to all of my sibling loss clients.

[Mary Northrup · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hope to God you do not need this book, but if you do, Orenstein writes with compassion from personal experience and her experience as a researcher about the unique grief of losing a sibling. An excellent book.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have lost a sibling, you may benefit from reading Annie Sklaver Orenstein's book, "Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner's Guide to Grief," a valuable and compassionate resource. She shares her personal experience of enduring the tragic death of her brother in a genuine and relatable way. I really could have used a book like this when my older brother died unexpectedly six years ago. Although I hate that others have also experienced the pain of sibling loss, knowing I was not the only one early in my grief would have helped me feel less isolated during such a horrible time and would have helped me feel a bit less overwhelmed.

The book helps readers address the pain of their grief while highlighting the importance and therapeutic power of recognizing the impact of their sibling's life and memory. I appreciate how the book inspires readers to treasure memories while sustaining their affection for their sibling regardless of the nature of their relationship. "Always a Sibling" offers a touching tribute to the lasting bonds and strength of the sibling connection.

[Margo · Rating 5 out of 5]

When my son Jimmy died ten years ago at the age of 21, I looked everywhere for a book about sibling loss to give my 17-year-old daughter, only to come up empty-handed. “Always a Sibling” is the book I searched for and couldn’t find. It’s practical, accessible, easy to read and full of useful insights and practical advice. The author is open and vulnerable about what she herself has experienced in the ten years since her beloved older brother Ben was killed in Afghanistan. But what makes this book a much-needed gem is the multitude of other stories she shares. Siblings who’ve lost their brothers and sisters to suicide, overdose, violence, illness, accidents under an array of different circumstances. No matter how you’ve lost your sibling, you will feel seen when you read Annie’s book. As the mother of a bereaved sibling, I now better understand what my daughter went through and continues to experience in the aftermath of her brother’s death. I recommend this book to every bereaved sibling as well as their parents who want to understand both their journey and how to better support their surviving children.

[Shea Wingate · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a grief therapist and sibling loss survivor, I really appreciated this book. Siblings are often forgotten grievers, which is something I can personally relate to. I can remember countless times family friends asked me about how my mom or my sister's husband was doing after her death. It made me feel like my grief was less significant. I encounter similar sentiments in therapy sessions with sibling grievers. Thanks to Annie and her fantastic book, I now have an excellent sibling loss book recommendation to share with my grief clients. I love how Annie shared her story of sibling loss while honoring other sibling loss experiences. If you've lost a sibling, this book is for you! My older sister died five years ago, and I still found this book cathartic and validating towards my grief. This book will help you feel less alone, help you put language to your grief experience, and help you access practical tools to help you navigate loss.

[Heidi Irwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this book 37 years ago…

Annie Sklaver Orenstein succeeds in creating a comprehensive “Guide to Grief” and very thoughtfully and thoroughly explains what many sibling grievers experience after the loss of a brother or sister.

Her stories from her own experience of losing her older brother, along with the many stories of others she surveyed and interviewed, help to reduce the isolating, confusing and lonely feelings many of us are left with after our sibling’s death.

Annie has not only written a solid guide based on her own experience and research, but her book reads as a trusted friend extending a hand to hold as we navigate our own unique grief experience.

As someone who has lost their only sibling and also as a professional grief coach, I appreciate and recommend this book as a valuable resource for anyone who is grieving the loss of their sibling.

[Jessica Pologruto · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a grieving sibling and grief professional, I thought Annie did a really nice job with this book. It combines storytelling with psychoeducation, which worked well for my brain, personally. I appreciated the anecdotes from her life and the lives of those she'd interviewed, and even 18 years after the death of my brother, it was surprising to read words that felt plucked from my own mind. I also greatly appreciated the use of humor or side commentary to make the read feel in some ways like a two way conversation. I think this book is great for professionals (on a basic level), friends of the bereaved, and those who experience the death of a sibling- in due time. Perhaps not immediately, but when the concept of moving forward and processing the death or grief experience feels approachable. Thanks for writing this, Annie!

[Jillian Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a grief counselor, and many of my clients are grieving the death of their siblings, which is in a way, a unique grief. It's the loss of a shared history, a future together, shattered assumptions of what they thought their life would be growing old together. This book is compelling from the start and continues to the end. It's a great mix of emotion, wit, reality doses, "tell it like is" ideas. It also offers lots of suggestions as an outline for helping those enduring the unspeakable experience that is sibling grief." Brava to the author, whose authenticity and comprehensive research shine through on every page.
-- Jill S. Cohen, CT (grief counselor for adults, children and families)