Resilient Grieving, Second Edition: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss

by Lucy Hone, Karen Reivich (foreword)

Resilient Grieving offers an empowering alternative to the five stages of grief—and makes clear our capacity for growth following the trauma of a devastating loss

The death of someone we hold dear may be inevitable; being paralyzed by our grief is not. Recent research has revealed our capacity for resilient grieving, our innate ability to respond to traumatic loss by finding ways to grow—by becoming more engaged with our lives, and discovering new, profound meaning.

In this completely updated and expanded second edition, author and resilience/well-being expert Lucy Hone, a pioneer in positive psychology and bereavement research, continues to push her field forward. In 2014, Lucy was faced with her own inescapable sorrow after her 12-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. By following the strategies of resilient grieving, she found a proactive way to move through her grief, and, over time, embrace life again. Since then, Lucy has become a leading voice in resilience and bereavement science, overturning widely held myths and misconceptions, making plain the harms of rigid models such as Kübler-Ross’s five stages, and advocating for a more adaptive grieving process that emphasizes emotions, relationships, attention, forgiveness, and self-compassion.

As heard on NPR’s Hidden Brain and CBS News

2017 Foreword INDIES Bronze Winner

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Death, Audiobook

266 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 25, 2024

Reviews

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book can be helpful to anyone grieving the death of someone they love, regardless of when it happened. In my case, my mom died in 2020 of cancer, and my dad died in 2021 after being struck by a reckless driver as he was crossing the street (and had the walk light). I was barely functional for the first few years, and I was in existential crisis. I have gotten a lot of help since then, much of which is discussed in the book, and I’m a more productive and happier person for it. However, I still miss them everyday, and some days are much harder than others. Out of the blue, something will trigger a waterfall of tears and a crack in my heart. I’m hoping some of what I didn’t know to try before reading this book will help on those days.

One thing I disagreed with was to stop blaming whoever caused their deaths. For a long time, I blamed myself in both cases, thinking I was taking responsibility for my contributions to their circumstances (being the one to administer my mom’s last dose of morphine and letting my dad go his own way when he insisted on moving out). I realize now that none of it was my fault, but I still blame the doctors and hospice who failed my mom, the driver who killed my dad, and the prosecutor who had a ton of evidence and refused to charge the driver aside from the cost of a ticket. Oh and I’ll also blame the judge who apologized to my family for honoring the deal the prosecutor made with my dad’s killer, even though he had the authority to overturn it. Blaming them gives me an outlet for my rage. The author points out that the driver who crashed into her daughter’s car didn’t wake up that day intent on killing anyone. That may be true of all those I blame, but no one has been held accountable in either of my parent’s cases, and until or unless that happens, I’ll never feel wholly made whole.

One thing I really liked was her suggestion to list ten things they really loved, so here goes:

1. My mom loved God
2. My mom loved ice cream
3. My mom loved to make my favorite foods whenever I visited
4. My mom loved to dance at weddings
5. My mom loved Pizza Hut
6. My mom loved to travel
7. My mom loved classical music
8. My mom loved cleanliness
9. My mom loved fire opals
10. My mom loved seeing Asians succeed

1. My dad loved God
2. My dad loved finding patients
3. My dad loved my ramen
4. My dad loved WWE wrestling, especially when Rhonda Rousey was in the cast
5. My dad loved YouTube
6. My dad loved to exercise anywhere and everywhere
7. My dad loved to fish
8. My dad loved watching westerns
9. My dad loved to fix things
10. My dad loved to argue with me (and I would give up anything and everything to argue with him one more time)

I mourn them daily for all that we had and all that we'll never have together - all the trips I was supposed to take with my mom, all the laughing I'd do with my dad when he saw something amusing online, and all the places I was supposed to take both of them out to eat (11 was them both loving to try new cuisines for them both).

Rounding up to five.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate this perspective on resilience in grieving, and Lucy Hone is able to take her research and see how it applies to the tragic loss of her adolescent daughter. In particular, I enjoyed the part about rituals, and I plan on doing so many of them for my sister. The only aspect of the book that was not comforting (to me) was when she said she didn't believe in any afterlife, that she believes her daughter is gone forever. While I am not traditionally religious and definitely don't think of "heaven" in a pearly white gates sense, part of my surviving the loss of my sister and best friend is not only the hope that I will see her again, but also that she gets to live on since her dreams and life were cut so short at 35. I realize this may not be true, but I won't know it until I die, and if I cease to exist when I die, then the hope that helped me through this life won't matter (then, as it does now). Overall, I highly recommend this as a grief resource.

[Darla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Took me over a year and half to finish this book. It was my companion when I felt the most out of control. I trusted it to be there and read little by little when I needed it the most. I would say in a lot of ways it saved me and I am sad that I made it to the end. “Who came up with this concept that’s designed to torture and disappointment us? Nothing lasts forever and that’s just the way things should be. Enjoy the party because we know there will come a time when the music will be switched off and the lights will be switched on. Relish the happy times;endure the sad. Forever is a pointless fantasy. Everything comes to an end. That single absence means nothing in a lifetime of presence”

[Darci · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book because I have current and pending loss in my near future. It did not disappoint. I listened to the audio version while driving and I've decided to listen again when I would be able to take a few notes. Her reminder that though the body may die your love for each other remains was very helpful. It is also valuable to those comforting those grieving because she gives recommendations what what phrases were helpful and unhelpful as people spoke with her. It answered the question of, "what can I say" as well as "what can I do". She has both the experience of personal grief and the education of dealing with trauma. This is well worth the time to read or listen.

[Lin F · Rating 5 out of 5]

This would have been too analytical for me if I were newly grieving, but four years down that path and I can appreciate a lot (not all) of her scientific approach. The section on rituals was reaffirming and the epilogue was simply the best part of the book. 4.5 stars.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self help. Resilient Psychology. School of thought that believes grieving can be eased by responding positively; by becoming an active participant in the process. After I read this, I was able to give a label to some of the emotions and thoughts I'd been having over the last year. It was the most helpful book on grief I've read thus far. An alternative to the Kubler-Ross 5 stages model.
*Successful grieving requires successful energy management
*Gratitude. Focus on what we have rather than what we have lost
**Don't lose what you have to what you have lost.

[Jo · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Life will never be the same now; it will always be different, with your loss part of your new world and personal identity. But that doesn't man you won't function effectively and meaningfully again, or fully embrace a life full of love and laughter."

I highlighted the shit out of this book. Pretty basic stuff, but the type you need to be told repeatedly before you actually understand and believe it.

[Tina Panik · Rating 5 out of 5]

By combining resilience psychology with grief studies, Hone presents an active approach to grieving. Full of practical advice, small exercises, helpful insight, and solid scientific research, this book is a useful tool for navigating loss. Fans of Pema Chodron and Brenee Brown will immediately take to this work. This is a unique and much-needed perspective on grief.

[Lil · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book for my recently bereaved friends mum, who is dealing with devasting loss. But after reading the first few pages in the car and realising an hour and many tears had passed, I realised how much I needed to read this book too.

This book is incredibly accessible and gentle for the grieving brain but also doesn't shy away from the research and facts of bereavement. Humans are hard wired to cope and we can survive so much. I learnt so much, like, how harmful the 5 stages of grief model is (that wasn't even designed for the bereaved, but for patients in pallative care). That grief is as unique as ones fingerprint. That death doesn't discriminate and chances happen, no matter how special and beautiful our loved ones are... This book is one of a kind and I cannot recommend highly enough

[Genia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad this book caught my eye at the library. Tools I can use. Stories that soothed. A real future builder. I ordered my own copy so I can read again with pen and highlighter. Thank you, Dr. Hone. Bless you.

[Jakub Sláma · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first came across Lucy Hone thanks to her TED talk, after which I kind of needed to read the book. Her story is heart-breaking, and yet so empowering, in a way, due to her attitude. If you're interested, I think the TED talk is a good place to start – the book doesn't really tell you anything else, it just elaborates and adds details and talks more about the actual research behind everything, and all that. A good read, one that I might be coming back to if (well, when) the push comes to shove.

[Elsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished reading this book for a second time. The first time I read it was immediately after the death of my younger brother and I don’t think I really read it. Reading it now, almost a year later, I feel like I could digest so much more information and really gained perspective. I really appreciate Hone’s honest account on grief and trying to find positive ways to dig yourself out. I was also comforted by her thoughtful ways of expressing her research, going about it in a non religious way and through many anicdotes or words of wisdom from people she’s met along her journey or media she’s read. I’ve recommended this book to many family and friends, both those facing terrible loss themselves or those that are part of support systems for those who are. Will probably read again in the future!

[Kirsty · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not currently going through any grief, thank goodness, but I thought this book was very informative and helpful. Lucy Hone's anecdotal stories of her daughter did make me cry quite a bit - I'm too empathetic to read about the death of a child and not cry. I think knowing a lot of this information before a big loss would be very helpful for some people, so even if you aren't going through the loss of a loved one, I would still recommend this because it's absolutely going to happen to you someday. I appreciated the author's perspective and her research on grief. It couldn't have been easy to write this, but I'm glad she did. I will likely use a lot of these tips in the future and might even re-read if needed.

[Olwen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written by a psychologist, this book was originally published under a different title, written in reaction to the loss of the author’s daughter in a car accident. It’s written from that perspective, easy to read.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has so much great information and was so helpful to me. I recommend it to anyone who is dealing with grief.

[MB · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish i dont have to come back to this again, but given how i life is i m happy to have something like this.

[Elizabeth Summers · Rating 5 out of 5]

an excellent addition to my toolbox and adding it to my grief go-to books. It's a beautiful book and such a helpful framework (solving a puzzle) that really reasonated for me.

"we simply have to keep on going, over and over again, doing the best we can each day, each month, each year, as life comes together and falls apart, spurred on by (and savoring) the good things in our lives in a way that only the bereaved can."

[Kari · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read for work, keeping for life.

[Alicia (aliciasalwaysreading)]

Quotes/Takeaways:
-Don't lose what you have to what you have lost.

-Grieving is no linear progression (meaning, you don't start at A and work your way to Z); it's more like an exhausting, frustrating, and ghoulish game of Snakes and Ladders (back and forth, up and down).

-We might not want to endure the loss, but we have it within us to cope.

-It’s easy to view courage as the absence of fear, but there's plenty of evidence to show (and my experience backs this up) that courage is the ability to experience fear but not become overwhelmed or paralyzed by it.

-I think of the sadness of grief as waves that rise, crest, and then roll away, sometimes at surprising times and with huge intensity. But in between, I have done a lot of laughing, telling stories, and remembering the quirky marvelous things about the person that is gone.

-"So instead of five solid stages, think of grief as an oscillation between sadness and other emotions, often positive. The oscillation can occur frequently over the course of a day. The sadness lets us adjust to the loss. The other emotions allow us to engage with the world around us.”

-We can't grieve all the time, but we also can't avoid it entirely—there are aspects of the death we are forced to face eventually. Neither confrontation nor avoidance is sustainable, and both the processes of actively grieving and respite from grieving are vital for recovery.

-"The pain now is part of the happiness then." -the movie Shadowlands

-"You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed. Grief shared is grief abated. Tell your tale, because it reinforces that your loss mattered." -Kubler-Ross & Kessler

-Apparently, crises do not necessarily forge character, but reveal it.

-Usually, when I have a job to do, I work out a plan of how to get through it and, eventually, with enough hard work, problem solving, and continual effort, reach the end. Job done, take a break, start again. But with grieving it feels as though there is no end, no break. Just one perpetual uphill struggle to convince yourself this is doable: Up, up, up we go, and instead of being rewarded with a downhill cruise after all the effort, along comes another hill.
Some days it's a hill, others a mountain, at times you find yourself in a lull of acceptance—a gully between the uphill slogs. But up you have to go, again and again. No wonder it's exhausting.

-Not exercising is akin to taking a depressant. That is, if you're not exercising you may as well be taking a pill that makes you depressed—that's how much difference not moving makes to our lives. The research is incontrovertible: Exercise is medicine.

-I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning.

-Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not.

-It is a new life that we are embarking upon. It is not one I like, and certainly isn't one I would have chosen. But I can either embrace this life, the only one I've got, or not.

[Udine · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit dry - felt it was written more for a professional than someone who is actively grieving. It has been many years since I lost my child but I don't think I could have read this book during the worst of it. It would not have kept my attention because so much effort had to be put into just moving my foot in front of the other and getting through most days. Though I got through and built a good life, I lost many traditions (especially those concerning holidays). It isn't necessarily easy to just create new ones because those old dreaded holidays are still around and in your face (Christmas, Easter, Halloween - you name it). I think of all the collateral damage the loss of a child causes (it was compounded by the lost of other close family members in rapid succession), the effect on the family seasonal traditions is the one that lasts the longest. The lost of a child attacks your sense of permanence about things in your life and the world - especially that blasted sun that continues to rise each morning (as someone tried to point out as a good thing shortly after my son's death).

[Pat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read Resilient Grieving by Dr. Lucy Hone twice since the death of my sister in November 2017, and I will likely read it again. I examined many resources to find help for dealing with the unexpected death of an adult sibling. Although Dr. Hone's book describes grief after the death of her child, her practical and authentic guidance for dealing with grief helped me immeasurably to deal with the loss of my younger sister. I am grateful for her courage in writing this book and highly recommend it for others suffering from unexpected loss.

[Seawitch · Rating 2 out of 5]

Something about the first half of this book made the grieving process seem simplistic. It got more realistic as it went with more sharing of the rough days endured, but it lost me a bit with the stiff upper lipness approach to the loss of the author's child. I had hoped for tools for my work with the bereaved but I didn't walk away with many. I did like the endorsement of the ritual of time spent with the body of the deceased - something we do too little of here in the US IMO.

[J Crossley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a different take on the grieving process. Rather than focus on the five stages of grief, the author uses resiliency strategies to help one move through the grief. By focusing on how to move forward, the book helps you to see how you can heal and grow due to the trauma. The book would be especially helpful for someone stuck in the grieving process.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written more as an academic read than for someone actively going through early grief. It didn’t feel personal. It was hard to focus on the content since it lacked feeling. Maybe in a few months I’d get more out of it, but with only 5 months since I lost my husband it I found no comfort in the read.

[Manuel Velasquez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful.

[Tonya Mangum · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book if you know someone that is grieving.

[Robyn Semple · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book after listening to Dr. Hone's TED Talk, The Three Secrets of Resilient People. It's a deeply personal and moving read from an expert on coping with grief and dealing with loss and tragedies, who has to face her own devastating loss when her daughter is killed in an accident. It's a guide for grieving, written with empathy and practical advice. Dr Hone says it is possible to grieve and move forward despite enduring severe hardships and that anyone can learn coping strategies. The three main strategies she shares are:
● Acknowledgement that suffering happens to everyone—instead of thinking ‘why me’, think ‘why not me’. Resilient people understand that bad things happen to everyone.
● Look for the good in situations, even if it is difficult to find. Focus on what can be changed and accept what cannot be; be grateful for the good things.
● Make decisions that will help us, not harm us—making good choices creates a sense of control over one’s life.
Dr. Hone’s book, "Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss," is a profoundly moving and practical guide to dealing with tragedy and learning resilience. She discusses how people grieve and how grief differs for everyone—there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
She speaks of hope and discusses strategies and techniques that anyone can learn. She reveals how a person will never ‘get over’ losing someone they love, but accepting that the loss has happened and cannot be undone is the beginning of learning to live with the loss.
Her strategies may not be embraced by everyone experiencing deep grief, but they provide insight into what worked for her and her family. This book can be referenced in many situations involving loss and discusses how to regain some semblance of control in our lives.
When life takes a devastating turn and we must face a ‘new normal’ way of life, Dr. Hone’s loss and her studies in resilience can galvanise practical and effective techniques to adopt that may alleviate some of the heartaches. She acknowledges that no part of the grieving process is easy, and each person’s journey is unique. We will all face loss. Learning how to develop resilience will be beneficial and help us process and prepare for other difficulties we may encounter.

[Karisa Totah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book as required reading for my Postpartum Doula certification with DONA International. Some parts are hard to read because it’s hard to hear about tragedies. But if you’re reading this book, it’s either because you’ve already experienced a tragedy yourself or you’re trying to prepare for the future or to help others you love so there’s no point in avoiding the hard topics.

This book does an excellent job of approaching the grieving process from a research based, caring and empathetic perspective. I lost my grandmother and nearly lost my dad in the middle of reading this book. I resisted reading it at first because I didn’t want to need the things it said. But time proved that I did need them. God has a funny way of giving us what we need before we need it. The things I learned in here helped me walk through that season better and process it in hindsight.

Some of my main takeaways were the debunking of the linear grief process still taught in psychology and ways to better handle grief in the moment. For example, letting yourself grieve how you need to in that moment without judgement for yourself and also not being ashamed to do happy or good things even while still in a season of grief. Grief is not a linear process and requires lots of back and forth.

This wasn’t a fun book to read because it makes you think about grief. Especially because I knew God was giving it to me for a reason (aka I ended up heading into a season of grief). But it’s one I’m so very glad I read and will definitely recommend.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only thing that really disappointed me was the book as an “empowering alternative” to the Kubler-Ross model. Let us be clear: On Grief and Grieving is nothing short of a masterpiece and Resilient Grief is a fantastic expansion of the ideas expressed in what many consider the “Bible of grieving.” If anything, OGaG is the Old Testament and RG is the New Testament, both exemplary and profound works, and in my opinion, required reading as a human who will inevitably experience death and loss at some point.

On Grief and Grieving should be read first, though it will feel dated. Like you can tell it was written several decades ago. The analogies and metaphors and colloquialisms have a distinct 80’s/90’s feel to them, whereas this book had more verve, tenacity, and wit, a little edgier, and feels more modern and relatable.

Practically every page is highlighted and I will absolutely refer back to this and On Grief and Grieving as the power-duo guidebooks for grieving.

At one point she says, “There’s something profoundly inappropriate and irritating about teenagers posts asking ‘Are you having fun up there in heaven, Abi?’ on instagram and Facebook.”

Which I’m so grateful for, someone finally had the balls to say it.

[Stasi · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a gift Dr. Hone gives us, in a new approach to grief that is proactive and positive, empowering bereaved folks instead of implying they must passively allow themselves to be swept away. She speaks from her own harrowing experience, and has a bereaved parent's sensitive approach to all the discussion. I truly love her metaphor of grief as a jigsaw puzzle instead of a series of stages.

If you've lost someone or something important in your life, check out this novel approach. I promise, it isn't going to make you feel worse. It might not work for everyone, but I plan to buy it for friends who are bereaved or divorced.

By the way, this book doesn't have to be rushed through. It lends itself to skipping around, going slow, picking up and putting down. And there is some dry academic stuff (she's a researcher, after all) that would appeal to those who want the "evidence" behind her suggestions; I skipped those paragraphs and went straight to the stories and the recommendations for moving forward.