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How to Poo at Work
Don't let number 2 stop you from being number 1 on the job.
Face the facts. You poop every day-more or less-but making a misstep when you've got to go at the office could land you in some serious doo-doo. How to Poo at Work is the ultimate guide to handling a range of potentially awkward situations, including what to do when:
The boss is in the next stall The toilet gets clogged A colleague follows you into the bathroom There's no toilet paper
Flush with useful diagrams, this handy book can save your career from going down the toilet.
Face the facts. You poop every day-more or less-but making a misstep when you've got to go at the office could land you in some serious doo-doo. How to Poo at Work is the ultimate guide to handling a range of potentially awkward situations, including what to do when:
The boss is in the next stall The toilet gets clogged A colleague follows you into the bathroom There's no toilet paper
Flush with useful diagrams, this handy book can save your career from going down the toilet.
- GenresNonfictionHumor
144 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2009
13 people are currently reading
135 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
December 31, 2015
If only I’d read this book first ……
About a month ago I found myself in a situation at work whereby I just didn’t know what to do. I desperately needed a dump. I could hold it, but not for long. You’ve been there, I’m sure.
The toilet’s situated in the corridor and I’d been watching the comings and goings closely. During the summer I was in there when about three or four blokes came in, all chatting to each other, and I could make out who they all were by their voices. But eventually one of them said, “Phwoarr, that’s a bit strong, who’s in there?”
I sat silent, of course.
“Hamlet is that you?” (Hamlet, that really is his name)
I sat silent.
Knock knock knock “Hamlet, is that you stinking out the place again?”
I sat silent
Eventually they left. I gave it five minutes and snuck out, made a detour into the kitchen and arrived back at my desk with a cup of tea so I wouldn’t get the blame.
Well, this situation a month ago was much worse. Like I say, I desperately needed a dump, and I’d been watching the door to the corridor closely. Eventually I figured no one was in the toilet, so now was my chance. I rocked on into the toilet, where there are two cubicles, only to find one of them locked.
Now obviously I’m not going to go into the other one because I’d be sitting about 15″ away from some other bloke with nothing but a thin partition between us. We’d be able to see each other’s boots and hear each other’s rectal turbulence. So I was out of there quick as ….. well, quick as soot through a goose (so to speak).
I gave it half an hour and tried again, but this time there was someone in there washing his hands. That bloke who always wears a white shirt and tie. I’ve never bothered to find out his name, but you know the type. He was in there washing his hands, and I wasn’t going to go in a cubicle with him standing there, so I moseyed on over to the urinals and had a wee, figuring that as soon as he shot off I’d be able to occupy one of the cubicles in peace.
But as he left another bloke came in – that bloke who always places toilet paper all over the seat before sitting down – so I had my wee and left. A complete failure.
Now I was getting quite desperate, and the only other option open to me was the upstairs loo. It’s generally cleaner than ours anyway and not so well used. So I thought I’d be safe.
Unfortunately as I walked in, someone else was already in there as well. He was at one of the urinals, having a wee himself. So once again I was flummoxed. I could hardly walk into a cubicle with him there, could I? So I went and stood beside him with the intention of having a wee.
And it was at this point that I desperately needed Mats & Enzo’s ‘How to Poo at Work’ guide for I’d neglected to consider a couple of things. One, I’d just already had a wee and two, I knew the bloke standing at the urinal really well. We both support the same football team and often stop to chat about the most recent triumphs and disasters.
So I stand beside him; “Alright?” “Yeah, alright.” I unzip my fly. “What did you make of the game on Saturday?” “Oh yeah, blah blah blah ….” I am now totally embarrassed so I go to zip up my fly again, but realising he’s going to find that a little weird, I decide to unzip it again and lob it out. But of course I can’t wee as I’ve already empties my bladder. “What did you make of that last minute goal?” “Oh, well, blah blah blah ….” But I’m getting all flustered because I’m well aware of the fact that even out of the corner of your eye you can tell if there’s no stream of wee coming out of …. Well, I’m sure you get the picture.
AND I’M STILL DESPERATE FOR A DUMP!
I was so embarrassed, and I know full well that this bloke’s thinking, “Well, that was a bit weird. Undoing his zip, doing it up again, undoing it again, lobbing it out and not even weeing!”
Eventually we both finished, washed our hands, and happily went on our separate ways. I shot downstairs and straight into the toilet, where to my delight I found no one! I quickly wiped the seat – you always do that, don’t you – and finally completed my business. Phew!
The only problem now was that the secretary’s desk was so situated that she had a perfect view of the toilet door, and had seen me enter & exit no fewer than three times in 30 minutes.
If only I’d read this book a few months ago I’d have never gotten into this whole situation in the first place. Recommended reading if you ever have to go at work. Every conceivable situation is covered.
About a month ago I found myself in a situation at work whereby I just didn’t know what to do. I desperately needed a dump. I could hold it, but not for long. You’ve been there, I’m sure.
The toilet’s situated in the corridor and I’d been watching the comings and goings closely. During the summer I was in there when about three or four blokes came in, all chatting to each other, and I could make out who they all were by their voices. But eventually one of them said, “Phwoarr, that’s a bit strong, who’s in there?”
I sat silent, of course.
“Hamlet is that you?” (Hamlet, that really is his name)
I sat silent.
Knock knock knock “Hamlet, is that you stinking out the place again?”
I sat silent
Eventually they left. I gave it five minutes and snuck out, made a detour into the kitchen and arrived back at my desk with a cup of tea so I wouldn’t get the blame.
Well, this situation a month ago was much worse. Like I say, I desperately needed a dump, and I’d been watching the door to the corridor closely. Eventually I figured no one was in the toilet, so now was my chance. I rocked on into the toilet, where there are two cubicles, only to find one of them locked.
Now obviously I’m not going to go into the other one because I’d be sitting about 15″ away from some other bloke with nothing but a thin partition between us. We’d be able to see each other’s boots and hear each other’s rectal turbulence. So I was out of there quick as ….. well, quick as soot through a goose (so to speak).
I gave it half an hour and tried again, but this time there was someone in there washing his hands. That bloke who always wears a white shirt and tie. I’ve never bothered to find out his name, but you know the type. He was in there washing his hands, and I wasn’t going to go in a cubicle with him standing there, so I moseyed on over to the urinals and had a wee, figuring that as soon as he shot off I’d be able to occupy one of the cubicles in peace.
But as he left another bloke came in – that bloke who always places toilet paper all over the seat before sitting down – so I had my wee and left. A complete failure.
Now I was getting quite desperate, and the only other option open to me was the upstairs loo. It’s generally cleaner than ours anyway and not so well used. So I thought I’d be safe.
Unfortunately as I walked in, someone else was already in there as well. He was at one of the urinals, having a wee himself. So once again I was flummoxed. I could hardly walk into a cubicle with him there, could I? So I went and stood beside him with the intention of having a wee.
And it was at this point that I desperately needed Mats & Enzo’s ‘How to Poo at Work’ guide for I’d neglected to consider a couple of things. One, I’d just already had a wee and two, I knew the bloke standing at the urinal really well. We both support the same football team and often stop to chat about the most recent triumphs and disasters.
So I stand beside him; “Alright?” “Yeah, alright.” I unzip my fly. “What did you make of the game on Saturday?” “Oh yeah, blah blah blah ….” I am now totally embarrassed so I go to zip up my fly again, but realising he’s going to find that a little weird, I decide to unzip it again and lob it out. But of course I can’t wee as I’ve already empties my bladder. “What did you make of that last minute goal?” “Oh, well, blah blah blah ….” But I’m getting all flustered because I’m well aware of the fact that even out of the corner of your eye you can tell if there’s no stream of wee coming out of …. Well, I’m sure you get the picture.
AND I’M STILL DESPERATE FOR A DUMP!
I was so embarrassed, and I know full well that this bloke’s thinking, “Well, that was a bit weird. Undoing his zip, doing it up again, undoing it again, lobbing it out and not even weeing!”
Eventually we both finished, washed our hands, and happily went on our separate ways. I shot downstairs and straight into the toilet, where to my delight I found no one! I quickly wiped the seat – you always do that, don’t you – and finally completed my business. Phew!
The only problem now was that the secretary’s desk was so situated that she had a perfect view of the toilet door, and had seen me enter & exit no fewer than three times in 30 minutes.
If only I’d read this book a few months ago I’d have never gotten into this whole situation in the first place. Recommended reading if you ever have to go at work. Every conceivable situation is covered.
January 26, 2020
Boring and repetitive.
March 18, 2017
This book has changed my life.
Never again shall I panic when I must do the unmentionable outside of the comfort of my home. This book has covered every possible scenario and then some.
Broken toilet? Check
Chatty boss? Check
Attacked by toilet spider? No, but I'm sure it'll be added in a sequel. (Happened to some guy in Australia, rather terrifying.)
This book should be installed in all bathroom facilities worldwide. Who cares about those other silly issues when there is one the affect us all?
To all that haven't read this book, do it before you regret it.
Never again shall I panic when I must do the unmentionable outside of the comfort of my home. This book has covered every possible scenario and then some.
Broken toilet? Check
Chatty boss? Check
Attacked by toilet spider? No, but I'm sure it'll be added in a sequel. (Happened to some guy in Australia, rather terrifying.)
This book should be installed in all bathroom facilities worldwide. Who cares about those other silly issues when there is one the affect us all?
To all that haven't read this book, do it before you regret it.
not-if-you-paid-me
October 27, 2014I think the title speaks for itself! I must admit this is one of the funniest book titles I have ever read.
May 13, 2021
This is a book that one doesn't want to like but one can easily identify with. Going to the bathroom at work is an aspect of contemporary culture that draws a lot of problems. As someone who, for rather personal reasons, tends to take a fair amount of time on the stool when I go to the bathroom, this sort of book, and the ways that people can try to avoid being seen, heard, or smelled in the bathroom is something that I can definitely relate to. I can even say, somewhat to my embarrassment I suppose, that I have tried some of these methods to avoid awkward scenes in the bathroom, especially in those days when I went into the office every day. It is somewhat strange reading this book in the age of Coronavirus, considering how many jobs are remote and so many people working from home, but at least in the period before the contemporary age, this is a book that really hits close to home. I am not sure what that means, as there is definitely an undercurrent here that is a criticism of the way that many companies handle matters of going to the bathroom. Whether or not the reader is offended by that is, of course, up to each individual reader for oneself.
This book is organized in a logical fashion. First, there is a preface, introduction, a discussion of the book's expert on bathroom solutions, as well as some golden rules and a key to the symbols on the various proposed solutions to various bathroom difficulties. The book then includes three parts as well as different gender-specific problems. The first part of the book looks at problems that one faces on the way to the bathroom (I), including being stuck into a meeting, running into one's boss, having the door blocked by a cleaning lady, or even being on a business trip in a foreign country. The second part of the book deals with problems on the spot, such as stall doors not closing or all bathrooms are taken or creating odors or making too much noise (II). The third part of the book then deals with problems on the way out (III) of the bathroom, including not being able to unlock a door, being caught in the bathroom, or smelling like air freshener. The gender-specific problems include using urinals, handbag etiquette, being followed by a colleague, as well as a discussion of safety launch windows and a conclusion. Each of the situations is diagrammed, given a short scenario, provided with a solution, and an expert opinion as well as testimonial of the solution is given along with a rating for realism, difficulty, and potential dangers.
This book is organized in a logical fashion. First, there is a preface, introduction, a discussion of the book's expert on bathroom solutions, as well as some golden rules and a key to the symbols on the various proposed solutions to various bathroom difficulties. The book then includes three parts as well as different gender-specific problems. The first part of the book looks at problems that one faces on the way to the bathroom (I), including being stuck into a meeting, running into one's boss, having the door blocked by a cleaning lady, or even being on a business trip in a foreign country. The second part of the book deals with problems on the spot, such as stall doors not closing or all bathrooms are taken or creating odors or making too much noise (II). The third part of the book then deals with problems on the way out (III) of the bathroom, including not being able to unlock a door, being caught in the bathroom, or smelling like air freshener. The gender-specific problems include using urinals, handbag etiquette, being followed by a colleague, as well as a discussion of safety launch windows and a conclusion. Each of the situations is diagrammed, given a short scenario, provided with a solution, and an expert opinion as well as testimonial of the solution is given along with a rating for realism, difficulty, and potential dangers.
February 12, 2019
Ufff el sólo título de este libro invita a carcajadas estruendosas, bromas aparte, esta "obra" trata de cómo gestionar la habilidad laboral blanda asociado al ríspido momento de la evacuación intestinal en el lugar de trabajo y de cómo la ignorancia de estos códigos sociales que se presentan aqui pueden conllevar severos baches en la carrera laboral al interior de la empresa (no ascenso).
Las situaciones son desopilantes y las estrategias de resolución aún más.
Entretenido y ameno, como dicen los gringos "les hará el día".
Las situaciones son desopilantes y las estrategias de resolución aún más.
Entretenido y ameno, como dicen los gringos "les hará el día".
May 4, 2012
At first, I was like 'who could possibly write this kind of books!' then I saw it as a gift for a friend. I admit I had to read it first, I was too curious, well, I've never laughed so much whilst reading a book!! Money well spent! very useful too I must admit, I hate partitions toilets! Cant wait to offer it!
no-way-in-hell
September 10, 2013
November 26, 2020
Joking about a serious topic
Indeed the WC usage at work is lying somewhere in between Tom Cruise hanging on the ropes in the heart of CIA and ancient ninja art. Joking about it can only be tolerated if it is funny, however, I laughed more when I had uncontrollable farts from a spoiled burrito, although, on a second thought, it wasn’t laughing, simply the gasses wanted to abandon ship so badly that they shook my whole chest and vocal chords in extreme violence that looked like a meltdown over a hilarious joke. I repeat: “It wasn’t”.
Anyways, within this small guide you will see various situations but for the most part I have found them as useful as a toilet brush when applied for cleaning you back in the shower. Possible? Yes. Will you ever employ this technique? Highly doubt that. To make things worse in order to dilute the lack of a ‘real’ advice the authors present you with a bunch of outlandish stories that can pop into your head only if there is a lack of oxygen during the time when you desperately try to push a solid one out after skipping salads for a week.
To sum up the game plan given to you boils down to a simple rule that quite possibly will make you look like a D-bag, so think twice before applying. In my opinion this could have been a much better guide that could literally save you in those dire times when mother nature decides to call.
Indeed the WC usage at work is lying somewhere in between Tom Cruise hanging on the ropes in the heart of CIA and ancient ninja art. Joking about it can only be tolerated if it is funny, however, I laughed more when I had uncontrollable farts from a spoiled burrito, although, on a second thought, it wasn’t laughing, simply the gasses wanted to abandon ship so badly that they shook my whole chest and vocal chords in extreme violence that looked like a meltdown over a hilarious joke. I repeat: “It wasn’t”.
Anyways, within this small guide you will see various situations but for the most part I have found them as useful as a toilet brush when applied for cleaning you back in the shower. Possible? Yes. Will you ever employ this technique? Highly doubt that. To make things worse in order to dilute the lack of a ‘real’ advice the authors present you with a bunch of outlandish stories that can pop into your head only if there is a lack of oxygen during the time when you desperately try to push a solid one out after skipping salads for a week.
To sum up the game plan given to you boils down to a simple rule that quite possibly will make you look like a D-bag, so think twice before applying. In my opinion this could have been a much better guide that could literally save you in those dire times when mother nature decides to call.
June 13, 2024
The reason for this books existence could be for a number of reasons.
1. It’s designed as a self-help book filled with useful strategies for the unwary pooper
2. It’s full of laugh out loud situations to entertain the reader but doesn’t present any real life solutions
3. It uses the word Poo to appeal to the sniggering childish element of society in order to make a fast buck
4. It does none of the above and is destined as an unwanted stocking filler that’ll spend a few years in a box before being dispatched to the bring and buy stall at the local church fete where it’ll be ostracised due to the shocking use of a bodily function on the cover.
My money is on reason 3 although 4 will certainly come into play at some point in it’s short life before being pulped
It’s not useful or funny so will have limited appeal unless your covered by reason 3
1. It’s designed as a self-help book filled with useful strategies for the unwary pooper
2. It’s full of laugh out loud situations to entertain the reader but doesn’t present any real life solutions
3. It uses the word Poo to appeal to the sniggering childish element of society in order to make a fast buck
4. It does none of the above and is destined as an unwanted stocking filler that’ll spend a few years in a box before being dispatched to the bring and buy stall at the local church fete where it’ll be ostracised due to the shocking use of a bodily function on the cover.
My money is on reason 3 although 4 will certainly come into play at some point in it’s short life before being pulped
It’s not useful or funny so will have limited appeal unless your covered by reason 3
July 22, 2018
This is garbage.
Big fan of toilet humor here. Any form of comedy, really - but this book had ONE TASK: to be funny. And it failed miserably. I will do my best not to sound overly dramatic and give a balanced, objective point of view, but with careful consideration, I have to say that this is the worst book to have ever been written by a representative of the human race, narrowly beating out Mein Kampf for the coveted #1 spot.
Big fan of toilet humor here. Any form of comedy, really - but this book had ONE TASK: to be funny. And it failed miserably. I will do my best not to sound overly dramatic and give a balanced, objective point of view, but with careful consideration, I have to say that this is the worst book to have ever been written by a representative of the human race, narrowly beating out Mein Kampf for the coveted #1 spot.
June 3, 2025
You'd think this book would just simply be full of a billion unending puns, and there are plenty of puns sure, but actually, I was pleasantly surprised to see the DETAIL with which these situations are set up. These are outright THEATRICAL ways to dance around potty-embarassment and the absurdity is pretty dang hilarious.
This is the highest compliment I could give to this book: I think most of these situations/scenarios could be an "I Think You Should Leave" skit.
This is the highest compliment I could give to this book: I think most of these situations/scenarios could be an "I Think You Should Leave" skit.
February 21, 2022
Even as a joke book, I still got bored quickly by it. You definitely know what you're getting from the title, but a lot of it just becomes repetitive, even only reading small bits at a time (like when you're using the toilet).
Credit to the authors for getting it published, but yeah certainly not my thing even as received as a joke gift.
Credit to the authors for getting it published, but yeah certainly not my thing even as received as a joke gift.
August 30, 2022
Somewhat funny scenarios to avoid scatological embarrassment at work, pushing it over the limits with examples. Kind of reminded me of The IT Crowd "I'm disabled" episode. It reads super fast and I had an occasional laugh.
November 18, 2018
Quick, and amazingly humorous read, obviously don’t try these things for real!! 😂
September 18, 2024
Funny but absurd
February 25, 2017
Great advice. Dropped a massive one at work today. Brutal and totally got away with it :)
July 6, 2015
I was left a little confused by this – it was like the authors couldn’t decide whether the book was a novelty book or a serious guide to taking a dump in the workplace, and so it gets stuck somewhere between. It also feels like the idea is over-done, and as if the authors have had to stretch their subject matter to fill space.
That said, if you’re getting it as a joke or if you don’t expect the recipient to actually read it, then I can’t say there’s anything wrong with that. You could also look at the book’s sequel, How to Poo on a Date. And seriously, if you’re having a lot of problems, see a doctor.
That said, if you’re getting it as a joke or if you don’t expect the recipient to actually read it, then I can’t say there’s anything wrong with that. You could also look at the book’s sequel, How to Poo on a Date. And seriously, if you’re having a lot of problems, see a doctor.
December 8, 2013
Grappig boekje voor tussendoor. Je hebt het ook zo uit. Dit boekje betreft de gouden regels voor het toilet gebruik op je werk. Wat je niet moet doen en als je je in een lastige situatie bevindt hoe je je er eventueel uit kunt redden. Sommige dingen waren een beetje raar en ongeloofwaardig.
February 27, 2011
Ummm... yeah.
June 10, 2012
Toilet humour is a very literal sense!
May 8, 2013
This is very silly, but my rating improved when I realized it was written by a Brit. Read it in 1 hour while trying to relax before my night shift. Will keep it because looks funny on the shelf.
April 20, 2015
Hilarious. Provided endless laughs at the office on lunch one day.
December 31, 2014
Not brillant, I think I guessed how to do mosy of this.
Read
April 19, 2019Funny and completely useless
May 2, 2017
I was really kind of disappointed with this book. It covered a lot of situations but it didn't cover some of the ones I face at work when I have to drop a deuce. I don't want an audience when I am going to perform. If I walk in and one of the stalls is occupied I will move on to a different floor and try to obtain some privacy before I get down to work. When I do find a spot I will make sure others know I am in one of the stalls when I hear them enter by doing the tap dance. One of the worst things out there is the rattling of the cage by someone who doesn't realize you are already present. Tapping the shoe or clearing the throat will prevent the rattling of the cage. Even worse then the cage rattler is the person who decides to join you even after you have made it clear you are taking care of business. You will then have to suffer through a symphony of sounds-grunts, groans, explosions...you name it. Get out as fast as you can. I have even experienced those who talk to themselves while at work.
The quality of toilet paper wasn't even discussed. Where I work it is the thinnest, cheapest toilet paper imaginable. It is unfair to even call it paper. It is like that cheap fax paper that we had in the old days. You have to take a large amount of it and wad it up so it doesn't break apart while you are cleaning up.
Fun gift for those who you have discussed your concerns with.
The quality of toilet paper wasn't even discussed. Where I work it is the thinnest, cheapest toilet paper imaginable. It is unfair to even call it paper. It is like that cheap fax paper that we had in the old days. You have to take a large amount of it and wad it up so it doesn't break apart while you are cleaning up.
Fun gift for those who you have discussed your concerns with.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews