Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, and Our Culture

by Niobe Way

A childhood development psychologist argues that the much-debated problem with men begins with subjecting boys to toxic masculine stereotypes—and explains how we can change direction.Boys are less sensitive than girls. Boys don't need emotional intimacy. Boys are rational, intelligent, and competitive. Boys will be boys. . . . Assumptions like these maintain “boy culture.” This reality pushes boys into gendered roles that leave them disconnected from one another. It's getting worse. In 1990, 3 percent of men reported having no close friends; now 15 percent do. This crisis of connection has led to “toxic masculinity,” “the epidemic of fatherlessness,” and, most sensationally, “the end of men,” while real boys all around us are experiencing more depression, anxiety, loneliness, and even suicide and violence.As Niobe Way's interviews with boys from all income levels prove, children have strong emotional and social skills. Preteen boys speak openly about their love for male friends, their desire to share deep secrets, and their need to discuss problems rather than avoid them. It is only as they grow older and are pressured to “man up” that these abilities are lost.We can fix it! As Way shows with powerful heartrending stories, when teens resist “boy culture,” they experience higher self-esteem, friendship quality, and math achievement, along with lower levels of depression. A caring climate at home, in school, and in society that encourages connection and friendship makes the difference. Culture-war stories may get television ratings and politicians elected, but this book will help us nurture our boys.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Psychology, Education, Society, Cultural, Childrens

336 pages, Hardcover

Published July 9, 2024

Reviews

[Christopher Febles · Rating 4 out of 5]

A renowned developmental psychologist at NYU with a ton of research and writing behind her offers us a new look at what it means to be a boy and live with a boy in our times. She sounds the alarm that the way we raise boys, particularly at the young adolescent stage, hurts us all.

Right off the bat, I loved her insistence that boys crave friendship, intimacy, and expressing feelings as much as girls. It’s theory totally backed up with not just science, but fascinating interviews with actual kids in urban schools. Her point in the early chapters seems to be that somewhere around high school, boys turn away from friendships and try to rely on themselves. This is to their detriment, as their mental health suffers from their lack of closeness with their peers.

Way also doesn’t sling blame the traditional…uh, “way.” (I’m sure she gets that a lot.) She talks about guns and social media, but more from an anthropological than political stance. She’s more interested in the root causes and what we can do about it than which side of the aisle did it.

It gets really good with the “listening project.” She goes through a method of students and adults interviewing one another in the most active, open way. Not sure a school with rules on disclosure with students can implement it in the manner it was designed, but I loved the outcomes of the talks. And again, the point is to listen, to get to intimacy with the person you’re talking to. That’s got a lot of appeal for all those lonely kids out there.

While sometimes the academic tone pokes through, sounding like a dissertation, it flows well and entertaining and emotional in spots. Her use of self-disclosure is appropriate and not overdone.

Definitely useful, important, and thought-provoking for anyone who works with boys.

Thanks to NetGalley and Dutton Press for an advance copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Evan · Rating 4 out of 5]

"A culture that listens with curiosity, takes responsibility, and cares creates the internal change necessary for large-scale and significant structural, institutional, and community change."

Over ten years ago already, Niobe Way's book Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection became a seminal text on male friendships and connectivity in adolescent boys, and more precisely, how and why those friendships (and therefore, the connectivity) fall apart. Way's follow-up, Rebels with a Cause is a more expansive examination on male friendships and male loneliness, but in places feels like the same book as its predecessor, only with different case studies. Way asserts early on that "In this book, I reveal what boys and young men teach us about ourselves and the culture in which we live, why most of us are having a crisis of connection, and the solutions to the crisis that is not only specific to them but includes all those who live in 'boy' culture and who are struggling with such a crisis." Thirteen have passed since Way's last major book, and undoubtedly the culture around masculinity and connectivity has changed in that time. Our methods of communication have changed—the rise of social media that we've seen since 2011 plays a significant role in our social connectivity. While Way writes with a studied fascination, a clear expert in her field, the first part of the book—with chapters on human nature and boys' friendships—felt like a return to her previous book, insights I'd already read. As the book progresses, we start to enter newer territory, as Way writes about adherence and resistance to/from 'boy culture' and, later, about suicide and mass violence. But whereas it seems like Rebels should be an update to how cultures have shaped masculinities in the last 10 years, this book feels like it's playing it close to the surface: it covers a lot of ground, but never seems to go as deep as it should.

That said, the writing that Way puts forth is striking and relevant. As someone who watched Lukas Dhont's 2022 film Close and felt like I'd been run over by a truck afterwards, I appreciated Way's commentary on the film and how the American market perceived the film's depiction of male friendship as homosexuality—which speaks to how far we still have yet to go to normalize platonic intimacy. Way also positions this book as a hybrid between psychological studies/analyses and memoir. At times, Way writes about her own life and her pedagogies of teaching active listening exercises to her students. There is a more personal touch to this book as Way argues that the loneliness epidemic that boys face is not an isolated incident—it's something that affects us all. As common sense as it may seem, engaging in attentive listening and meaningful conversation establishes stronger connectivity that not only creates deeper bonds between boys, but between us all.

In the final chapter, Way writes that "Years ago, a fifteen-year-old boy asked me for whom I wrote my previous book about friendships. When I told him that I wrote it for parents and teachers, he looked at me quizzically and asked, 'Why not for us, as it would make us feel less alone?'" After finishing the book, I'm left a little conflicted. The book is introspective and researched in a way that's easy for anyone, early childhood psychology degree in tow or not, to read and relate to—but is it her best writing on the subject matter? Yes, Rebels has a broader scope, but I still think that if you're after Way's more succinct research on the topic, go for Deep Secrets, and if you've already read that, you'll still find a few new insights here, but it's much of the same findings repackaged for a different audience.

The final part, "Solutions", felt the most substantive, as Way gives insights into the exercises that she conducts in her doctorate programs to study connectivity, and how those findings can help to reshape how we think and talk about isolation and loneliness, both for 'boy culture' and for ourselves. Way seems to argue that boys' friendships are inextricably linked to broader cultures of masculinity that we're all affected by, and that if we want to change how we talk about masculinity, we have to change how we view male friendships (see previous comments on the film Close), and to change how we view those friendships, we have think more critically about connectivity and open communication as a guiding force towards reframing masculinities. Everything is connected. Everyone is connected.

[Colin Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book threw me off a little to start because I was expecting it to focus on the crises affecting young men specifically, but it was more about the masculine-dominant culture we live in and how that affects all of us. The main idea was simple but powerful: that we should treat emotional and relational intelligence as equally worthy of prioritizing as traditional numerical or logical intelligence. I admit this hadn’t really occurred to me because we have such a baked-in assumption that it’s better to make decisions with your head than your heart and prioritize schoolwork and careers over relationships. This would take huge structural changes to shift, but it was really exciting to read about her work trying to teach people to focus on connections and shared humanity. I really liked the idea of the listening project and it’s something I hope to pursue in my own classes.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Agreed with the central premise around the toxic effects of loneliness and lack of connection with the self and others. I also liked that the author reminded us that we should worry less about being rude. Especially in a current culture that often labels curiosity and directness as offensive, this was a refreshing reminder that it is mostly our inner worlds that matter. We cannot find common ground through surface level chatter and mere acquiescence to what is known. We crave deep connection, brought about via vulnerability and unrestrained curiosity, even if the questions feel uncomfortable—this is how we bond.

This book was saved in the last 30%, where we finally got into on better depth — longer stories and better writing. The first half of the book was doused in direct, choppy quotes from interviews with adolescents and repetitive pithy statements. I skimmed through that. But by “The Story of Troy”, I slowed down to reflect on most sections.

This is one of those books I also valued for all the references. I have now added many of the primary source books to my reading list!

The most instructive part of the book IMO was the steps for better listening and creating true connection:

1. Start with a real question
2. Ask open ended follow up questions - don’t lead the witness
3. Ask curated follow-up questions
4. Ask for examples and stories
5. Get “gold nuggets”
6. Ask clarifying questions
7. Ask contrasting questions
8. Ask how, what, why, when, and where questions
9. Listen for the unexpected and expected and probe both

Most memorable quote:

“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river.

We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” — Desmond Tutu

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I struggled with this book. The author left too much of a gap for the reader to make between the facts as presented and the conclusions from those facts. The premise reminded me a lot of other more recent books I've read on our culture and how that has affected people and their mental health, such as How to Do the Work or Lost Connections, but again, there was a quantum leap between the stories and facts presented and the conclusions the author made. Recommend that greater connections be made (the book had its own crisis of connection) to lend itself to be a more credible theory.

Thank you to the publisher for this free ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Jabiz Raisdana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had pretty high hopes for this book—partly because the topic connects so closely to my work as Head of Grade and in charge of pastoral care, and partly because the author seemed like someone who really knew what she was talking about. The opening chapters didn’t disappoint: they were well written, easy to follow, and touched on exactly what I was hoping for.

But somewhere in the middle, especially during the case study sections, the book started to drag a bit. The main idea—that boys and men want connection and vulnerability but are pushed away from that by societal expectations—is clear and important. Still, it felt like the same point was being made again and again through different stories, and that repetition made it harder to stay engaged.

The final chapters brought things back together nicely, especially when the author tied the ideas to school shootings and emphasized the need for schools and workplaces to create emotionally aware, connected environments.

In the end, I’m glad I read it. There were parts that really resonated and will stick with me in my work—but overall, it didn’t quite live up to the high expectations I had going in.

[Zéro Janvier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dans la lignée de Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection qui m'avait beaucoup marqué, la chercheuse en psychologie Niobe Way revient sur la culture viriliste qui apprend aux jeunes adolescents à se séparer de leurs émotions et qui les pousse à abandonner les amitiés profondes qu'ils recherchent et dont ils ont pourtant besoin. L'autrice en fait la cause principale de la violence et de la crise de santé mentale que traversent nos sociétés occidentales. Difficile de lui donner tort.

[Quinn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Way brings up some interesting points in her diagnosis of ‘boy culture'. I enjoyed learning about her research and stopped a few times to reflect on my own relationships. The book should have been kept to that though as she only grasps material causes and falls back to pointing at ‘culture’ as the root of our problem.

Without connecting her work to a broader material analysis the authors solutions amount to not much more than the typical liberal pablum of addressing attitudes and educating. The section on the workplace was especially offensive and par for the course for someone who has spent their life in academia. What sort of deep level human connections can be formed in a place where one can have their livelihood arbitrarily taken away at a moments notice? You don't have to be a Marxist to know how unbelievably hostile and alienating wage labor is, you just have to work for a living.

[Colleen Sweeney · Rating 4 out of 5]

A developmental psychology book that reads as if Niobe Way was tasked with applying the DSM-5 to the current pandemic of political division and polarization in America. At its core this book delves into the crisis of connection, the culture of boyhood, and the stereotypes that shape gendered identity; however, when you read this book against the backdrop of the 2024 election it paints a startling picture of how unabashed neoliberalism and the pursuit of deregulated capitalism promotes a culture fraught with biases that have devastating consequences on connection, mental health, and feminine self-image.

Politics aside the solutions offered in this book, specifically the skills of transformative interviewing provide a balm to the pain of the disconnection epidemic and is perhaps the first step into a cultural reform.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book, especially in combination with "Deer Hunting with Jesus by Joe Bageant" and "Why We Are Polarized by Ezra Klein", as together they create an intoxicating intellectual cocktail which hopefully can help us extricate ourselves from some of the culturally-imposed biases and stories which influence how we think, feel, act…and eventually vote.

[Mitchell Gronowitz]

Niobe Way explores the crisis of connection in our time through her research on boy culture. She defines boy cultures as valuing the self over the group, stoicism over vulnerability, money over relationships. Friendships are important for social capital but not deep connections. The goal is to get to the "top," which is usually defined as a white male making the most money.

The false "thin story" of boys: "Boys and men roam the earth with little to no feeling of vulnerability...Driven mostly by their desire for sex and money, they don't want or need emotional intimacy or deep connection, especially with other boys or men..." (page 9)

On the contrary, Niobe's research, interviewing hundreds of boys, shows the inherent need and desire for deep male friendships, to be seen and vulnerable, to yearn for connection. But as they age, "boy culture" influences them to reject their male friendships and to hide their emotions away.

This book calls out boy culture as the core cause of our escalating mental health crisis and talks about solutions through enhancing curiosity, listening and connection in kids through different academic curricula.

[Lauren Thornberg · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has a good idea and an important message, but it is SO disorganized, among other problems. The whole book reads like an over-eager mishmash of various graduate school theses tied together with the constant use of "thick" and "thin" to describe the complexity levels of cultural narratives. Ideas that are entertained for a single paragraph feel as if they've been placed erratically, never to be revisited.

Furthermore, the book is full of ASTOUNDINGLY long quotes that have no business being so long. Multi-page-long quotes! The author refuses to name a mass shooter, instead choosing a pseudonym (so as not to glorify him), and then provides pages upon pages upon PAGES of his manifesto - with page number citations! I just feel as though the amount of lengthy quotes is extreme and tedious to get through.

[Peter Z. · Rating 1 out of 5]

What the hell is the "much debated problem with men"?! If I wrote a book about the "much debated problem with women" I would be tarred with accusations of sexism, misogyny, and so much more.

But this is OK? 😂 Actually yeah it's fine, you have the right to be an idiot and say whatever you want. If you know enough to make generalizations about nearly half of the planet's population, more power to you. I just wonder if any of the men in your life take your advice. If you have any.

[Dustin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although I found this book to be a bit reaching, I think that what boys desperately want and need is actually the same as everyone else as the author states, but it’s not friendship. It’s fatherhood. It’s a male role model.

Let me add that I won an advanced copy. People need to wake up and look at the real problems within our society. I gave it two stars because it’s not the easiest thing in the world to bring a book to publication.

[Carla Boniolo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m a huge fan of Niobe Way’s work and have read a lot of her academic journal articles (they are sensational and she makes some extraordinarily incisive points about masculinity - I highly recommend). However, this book fell a bit flat for me. Too many interview transcripts and too many mass shooter manifestos for my liking. Some good nuggets peppered throughout but her academic articles are better.

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can imagine why some readers might be turned off by this book or too easily dismiss it without finishing it. If you stick with it, there is some real gold in this book for all of us to learn from. The author is at her best when focusing on young boys and men and our culture writ large. I am eager to learn more about the Listening Project. Could this curriculum be adapted to places outside of education?

[KJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

A comprehensive book about real-life issues facing real-life people, and what we can do about it. There is much to be appreciated through the writing style of Niobe Way, one that is both inclusive and intelligent, like the author both knows you're smart but wants to have a casual chat with you anyway. It was easy to consume, contextually simple, and could be understood by almost anyone.

[Andie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Tbh didn’t like this book very much. The subject is super important, and I appreciate that the author was trying to use boys’ struggles to highlight societal struggles. But to me that tactic left the book feeling unfocused in its narrative arch.

[Emily Power · Rating 2 out of 5]

read this for work. I had high hopes for this book because of the topic, but it ended up being a bit of a slog to the end. author spends the whole time quoting other people and the themes felt pretty repetitive and disorganized.

[Marisol M. · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️