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Kosher ADHD: Surviving and Thriving in the Torah-Observant World
314 pages, Paperback
Published October 26, 2023
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
January 22, 2024
I had VERY high expectations for this book. I’ve been parenting kids with ADHD for 22 years, and I have a lot of theories and workarounds and opinions. My expectations were exceeded. This book is fantastic. I was thumbing through the advance praise and I saw: “Pick up an extra copy, because this is one of those rare books you’ll want to share far and wide, but you’ll also want to keep and treasure your own marked up copy!” This proved absolutely true. Although I started reading on Shabbos, I ended up reading this throughout the week because there is so much to underline. My copy already has a waiting list of people who want to read it. (Another advance praise made me snort: “If I did not have ADHD I would have written this book!”)
I wouldn’t say I’m an expert. I have been educated by my child whose brain was in so much pain when I tried to get her to do certain educational tasks that her tantrums were legendary. She told me frequently that she was unable to do certain things (some parents experience this as Oppositional Defiance Disorder). It took me a lot of years to comprehend what she was saying and for us to find workarounds, often with her leading the way.
I was immediately laughing at the descriptions in the book. It’s like they were looking at one of my children, whose idea of Shabbos clothes is a very nice soft t-shirt with no stains or holes and soft athletic pants that are not sweatpants.
The book asks parents to look at the environment their child is in, and to attune the environment to the child. Tragically, “children with ADHD often experience the Torah world as an environment that rejects and devalues their basic human dignity.” They “have not had their basic psychological needs met by the Torah world. Torah living has not provided them with basic security, mastery, or connection.” This point really shook me up. Torah is not providing these children love and comfort and care. It’s perceived as oppressive and a source of pain. Since I experience Torah as a tree of life for all those who grab onto it, it was sobering and dire to recognize that despite our best intentions, our children can be having a lot of trouble with major areas of Torah observance due to neurological tendencies in brain wiring. I really appreciate the book’s approach that the diagnosis does not matter. If the way the child’s brain approaches certain things causes conflicts with the environment, then this is where we need “attuned environment.” It doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is or isn’t, if it is over-diagnosed or over-medicated or under-medicated or whatever people argue about; if your child is having trouble in these areas, then this book can help. There is also the very poignant point that these kids are not lazy. A big section of the book is devoted to “cognitive restructuring” techniques where parents learn to reframe our way of looking at our children away from negative judgments and towards constructive, compassionate, and effective mindsets. I cannot recommend this enough. It is absolutely vital for your child’s emotional health and for peace in your home.
Due to neurology, your child (and maybe you) may have more trouble than the rest of the population with things like executive function and working memory. The book explains exactly what those are, why they impact functioning, and specifically why they impact certain aspects of Torah observance, both in terms of mitzvot and culturally.
How does your child (or you) view time? Do they only seem to be aware of what’s happening now? Are things absurdly “out of sight, out of mind” for them? Does their brain not really conceive future planning or consequences like the typical brain? (I’m not even talking about impulse control. In my experience and opinion, these kids have thousands of times more gevura than the average child because they have about thousands of times more impulses per minute than a neurotypical child.)
I was delighted to see the admoni (aggressive and lustful energy) concept explained so beautifully here and so relevant. I’ve been teaching this point for years: that any given middah is not good nor bad, but it depends on the situation. Case in point: Eisav’s attributes and Dovid HaMelech’s attributes are the very same attributes. This is a very important lesson for us as parents. The book has a great chart with a biosocial model for understanding ADHD that shows the difference in impact a non-attuned environment vs. an understanding environment can have on both an admoni child and an ADHD child (and we can extrapolate to any temperament).
I greatly enjoyed how the book goes through specifics. What, in detail, is difficult about the specifics of frum life and what makes them difficult for people with executive functioning challenges? What makes davening hard. What makes Talmud Torah hard. What makes Shabbos hard – both erev and during. These three areas are hugely fundamental to frum life; imagine how constantly failing at them feels as a sincere Jew.
This book is crucial for helping us understand what is happening and how to work with it and around it. It gives us awareness and understanding as well as excellent strategies. I especially enjoyed the section on adult ADHD and think it is invaluable for both the person who is struggling AND the spouse to read, and that it will enhance shalom bayit. Just like the rest of the book, it is both very insightful about the theory of what’s happening and very practical. For anyone who struggles with juggling the challenges of getting to shul, getting out the door, making Shabbos plans and making Shabbos, making Pesach…and their spouse who is getting frustrated with them.
I’ve only covered a fraction of what is in this tremendous book. If your child struggles with executive functioning and working memory, go and buy two copies, one to mark up and one to lend out. And maybe one more copy if you’re prone to losing things.
I wouldn’t say I’m an expert. I have been educated by my child whose brain was in so much pain when I tried to get her to do certain educational tasks that her tantrums were legendary. She told me frequently that she was unable to do certain things (some parents experience this as Oppositional Defiance Disorder). It took me a lot of years to comprehend what she was saying and for us to find workarounds, often with her leading the way.
I was immediately laughing at the descriptions in the book. It’s like they were looking at one of my children, whose idea of Shabbos clothes is a very nice soft t-shirt with no stains or holes and soft athletic pants that are not sweatpants.
The book asks parents to look at the environment their child is in, and to attune the environment to the child. Tragically, “children with ADHD often experience the Torah world as an environment that rejects and devalues their basic human dignity.” They “have not had their basic psychological needs met by the Torah world. Torah living has not provided them with basic security, mastery, or connection.” This point really shook me up. Torah is not providing these children love and comfort and care. It’s perceived as oppressive and a source of pain. Since I experience Torah as a tree of life for all those who grab onto it, it was sobering and dire to recognize that despite our best intentions, our children can be having a lot of trouble with major areas of Torah observance due to neurological tendencies in brain wiring. I really appreciate the book’s approach that the diagnosis does not matter. If the way the child’s brain approaches certain things causes conflicts with the environment, then this is where we need “attuned environment.” It doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is or isn’t, if it is over-diagnosed or over-medicated or under-medicated or whatever people argue about; if your child is having trouble in these areas, then this book can help. There is also the very poignant point that these kids are not lazy. A big section of the book is devoted to “cognitive restructuring” techniques where parents learn to reframe our way of looking at our children away from negative judgments and towards constructive, compassionate, and effective mindsets. I cannot recommend this enough. It is absolutely vital for your child’s emotional health and for peace in your home.
Due to neurology, your child (and maybe you) may have more trouble than the rest of the population with things like executive function and working memory. The book explains exactly what those are, why they impact functioning, and specifically why they impact certain aspects of Torah observance, both in terms of mitzvot and culturally.
How does your child (or you) view time? Do they only seem to be aware of what’s happening now? Are things absurdly “out of sight, out of mind” for them? Does their brain not really conceive future planning or consequences like the typical brain? (I’m not even talking about impulse control. In my experience and opinion, these kids have thousands of times more gevura than the average child because they have about thousands of times more impulses per minute than a neurotypical child.)
I was delighted to see the admoni (aggressive and lustful energy) concept explained so beautifully here and so relevant. I’ve been teaching this point for years: that any given middah is not good nor bad, but it depends on the situation. Case in point: Eisav’s attributes and Dovid HaMelech’s attributes are the very same attributes. This is a very important lesson for us as parents. The book has a great chart with a biosocial model for understanding ADHD that shows the difference in impact a non-attuned environment vs. an understanding environment can have on both an admoni child and an ADHD child (and we can extrapolate to any temperament).
I greatly enjoyed how the book goes through specifics. What, in detail, is difficult about the specifics of frum life and what makes them difficult for people with executive functioning challenges? What makes davening hard. What makes Talmud Torah hard. What makes Shabbos hard – both erev and during. These three areas are hugely fundamental to frum life; imagine how constantly failing at them feels as a sincere Jew.
This book is crucial for helping us understand what is happening and how to work with it and around it. It gives us awareness and understanding as well as excellent strategies. I especially enjoyed the section on adult ADHD and think it is invaluable for both the person who is struggling AND the spouse to read, and that it will enhance shalom bayit. Just like the rest of the book, it is both very insightful about the theory of what’s happening and very practical. For anyone who struggles with juggling the challenges of getting to shul, getting out the door, making Shabbos plans and making Shabbos, making Pesach…and their spouse who is getting frustrated with them.
I’ve only covered a fraction of what is in this tremendous book. If your child struggles with executive functioning and working memory, go and buy two copies, one to mark up and one to lend out. And maybe one more copy if you’re prone to losing things.
January 2, 2024
Fantastic book. Highly recommend for Torah observant people. I had high expectations and this exceeded them. (pet peeve editor does not know difference between affect and effect as a verb)
This book draws on all the great psychological research currently available. It is full of understandable theory AND practical advice.
The theory is especially valuable for really understanding what's happening.
It discusses working memory and executive function. Productive ways to frame these challenges. Very practical tips. Especially geared towards the specific areas where Torah observance becomes challenging due to ADHD including: davening, talmud torah, and Shabbos. Also has 3 great chapters on adult adhd.
I particularly love the intro and the first 3 chapters of theory.
This book draws on all the great psychological research currently available. It is full of understandable theory AND practical advice.
The theory is especially valuable for really understanding what's happening.
It discusses working memory and executive function. Productive ways to frame these challenges. Very practical tips. Especially geared towards the specific areas where Torah observance becomes challenging due to ADHD including: davening, talmud torah, and Shabbos. Also has 3 great chapters on adult adhd.
I particularly love the intro and the first 3 chapters of theory.
April 23, 2025
This book is a great resource for Orthodox Jewish parents that have a child, or children, with ADHD that don’t know much about ADHD. It combines background information about ADHD and living a Torah life. However, if information about ADHD is already known then this book unfortunately does not really give much information on coping with ADHD and living a Torah life. I wish it had included more suggestions / strategies for parenting a child with ADHD and living a Torah life.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews