How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Safe Conversations

by Harville Hendrix, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Caroline Welch (foreword)

Relationships everywhere are in crisis due to our inability to talk about "difference" without polarizing. Since objection to difference is the core human problem, we need a skill that helps us connect beyond difference. That's just what New York Times bestselling authors Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt offer in their new  How To Talk With Anyone About Anything. They call it the Safe Conversations Dialogue process, which everyone can learn and teach, that moves all relationships from danger to safety, making connecting possible. For centuries, most of us humans have talked to others in monologues, believing that the world is the way we see it, that what we say about it is the "truth" and we have assumed that everyone sees it "our" way. If they do not, we experience tension and conflict on many levels. On the other hand, few of us have ever listened to others while they are talking and tried to see the world from their point of view while retaining our own perspective. Instead of listening to understand and collaborate about our differences, we tend to replace their perspective with our own. This results in polarization, not only in our personal lives and work environments, but also in the political and religious arenas we inhabit. This has led to anxiety, frustration, anger, violence, and war. Clearly, the world needs a new way to talk that transcends difference and leads to collaboration, co-creation, and cooperation. Getting the Love You Want, teach that the practice of Safe Conversations Dialogue impacts the "physics of the Space Between." Here is what they All of us live in and are a part of an energy field in which everything everywhere is connecting with everything everywhere. This energy field occupies the Space-Between us. When there is safety in the energy field that occupies the Space-Between us, we can connect. When there is anxiety in the Space Between, we defend ourselves. We cannot connect but tend to polarize. Anyone, if they decide to, can restore safety in the Space Between by using a structure conversation skill called the Safe Conversations Dialogue.    In How to Talk with Anyone about Anything, Harville and Helen share the wisdom of the Safe Conversations process and the four structured and teachable skills that create safety and Dialogue is two or more people taking turns talking and listening. Monologue is one person talking and expecting everyone else to listen. When two or more people shift from Monologue to Dialogue, they can transform any relationship from conflict to safety, connection and collaboration. Zero Negativity disrupts safety and is non-negotiable for safe and thriving relationships. When Dialogue is practiced with Zero Negativity, criticism about what one does not have is replaced with a positive request for what one wants. This transforms conflict into safety and connecting. Empathy is the capacity to experience or imagine how another person has gone through life. When Dialogue is practiced with empathy, one can more easily accept the different perspective of another person and maintain one's own perspective without polarizing. Affirmation is valuing another person because they exist rather than for what they have done for you. When Dialogue includes affirmation, the other person experiences themselves as human rather than as an "object" that is valued because of what they do.   How to Talk with Anyone about Anything offers the keys to unlocking your ability to connect with others in a new and profoundly different way. And, as more of us hone that ability, together, we can bring about a fundamental shift in society away from our current focus on the "self" and polarization about difference towards safety and true connection that includes total personal freedom, universal equality, radical in

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Personal Development, Audiobook

300 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 20, 2024

About the author

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...

Reviews

[Brit MacRae · Rating 2 out of 5]

“Why oh why are we getting political, sir?” This was my thought while reading this highly repetitive book.

The core message is straightforward: listen actively, mirror what you've heard, validate the other person's reasoning (even when you disagree), and show empathy for their feelings.

Coulda Shoulda Woulda been a TED TALK.

Okay, maybe I’m being harsh. The real issue isn't with the methodology itself - which honestly seems pretty solid - but with how the book relies more on "trust me, this works" stories rather than diving into the psychological research that could really back up these claims. While the anecdotes are engaging, they leave you wondering whether this approach has been rigorously tested or if we're just hearing about the times it ~happened~ to work out well.

[Hannah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, but most of it seemed to be an advertisement for the author, not actually advice for how to talk to others.

There was really only one method discussed in this book and it felt like it should have only taken half of the time to discuss it. The whole theory is that you should mirror what the other person says and ask them to confirm what they are saying is accurate. The theory behind this is the break down miscommunication, however with a truly elevated person I have a feeling this would not help at all but rather escalate the situation. I really appreciated the concepts in this book, but wish that the result would have been more thorough and effective.

[Ben Buss · Rating 2 out of 5]

Repetitive and self-aggrandizing. Techniques are good, solid advice! A few examples are helpful, but it would have been just as useful at 10% of the length. Lots of the book (and the entire introduction) boils down to “we teach these great techniques and people benefit from them - including influential people”! (That is not an actual quote.) It’s essentially an infomercial for a book you already have in your hands. Their goals at the end are hilariously naive, including getting the tipping point threshold of the global population using this communication style. I agree that would benefit the world, but it’s so far-fetched as to be laughable.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Applicable. I listened to the audiobook and found it easy to listen to, but I think the paperback would be better in order to refer back to. That said, I will likely listen to this one again. Useful for skills and tools in talking to family, friends, colleagues, etc, especially when you have differing opinions. Teaches how to collaborate and understand and listen well rather than just getting ready to speak your piece. Have tried some skills and still need more practice but it solved a problem faster than my instincts would have!

[Zipporah · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is the epitome of it could of just been an email. Just soooo repetitive. It gives the vibe of selling you a product and showing you examples of how this product has been used successfully minus most of the advice. And why try to sneak in some very slanted politics on illegal immigration in a book about trying to connect better with people? Overall the methodology of conversation in this book is fine but did it have to be sooo long?

[Isabella Gukeisen]

I ended up not finishing, listened to the audiobook and the first 30 minutes were just the authors talking about how much their method has helped people and how it’s going to change the lives of everyone on the planet. Read some of the reviews and I didn’t want to spend time listening to it if the whole book was going to be that way.

[Marybeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audio book version of this title. It was narrated by Rick Adamson. Overall the narrator did a goob job but sometimes I felt like he had a monotone. As for the book - I think this is a good beginner's book for people trying to read more self help books. It was very clear & easy to understand. No technical jargon that confuses the reader.

[Meredith · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had many good tips and communication strategies that I found helpful. However, it was quite repetitive and at times a little political and idealistic. The audio book was tedious at times, but I am glad I listened to it.

[Noelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I was expecting. Based on the title, I Thought it would be about how to strike up conversations with strangers or make small talk at parties. This book was more about having conversations with people who disagree with you.

[Jessica Fisher · Rating 2 out of 5]

How to Talk to Anyone About Anything lacks the useful and helpful tips promised in the book’s synopsis. At one point, it became too political and too redundant. It’s definitely not as advertised, and I would not recommend it to anyone.

[Michelle Huelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. Not all that helpful and very repetitive.

[Sienna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Simple, practical advice. I would have liked to hear more from Helen.

[Leesh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Super repetitive. The main idea is listen more, judge less, & be more curious. Would skip.

[Judy Kullenberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Still going to be hard to talk to people who voted for a Putin loving felon, but this book does give tips.

[Road Worrier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful stuff, may save the world

[Reem_pH]

Audiobook version

[Lalam · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel like I just listened to a 6 hour infomercial

[Sabrina Fugh · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish this book would make magic on my way to talk… I don’t expect to change overnight, but there are great tips and I’ll for sure do my best from now on.

[Rea Cabbagester · Rating 3 out of 5]

I consider maybe taking a break from self-help books

[Debbie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boring read

[Jeffrey · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has some good advice about remaining diplomatic in the face of controversy, but I feel that it for what it had to say, it could be just an hour long seminar. It feels a bit padded for length.

The gist of this book's lessons is to apply the following steps in conversation:

1. Listen to your conversation partner, engaging with them in dialogue and not monologue
2. Repeat back what you hear to them to reassure them that you've heard them (mirroring)
3. Validate their reasoning, even if you don't agree with them
4. Empathize with the feelings they've shared with you, again, even if you really don't want to


This is a good, intentional approach to navigating controversial topics, and I think that it's worth practicing.

What keeps this from being a great book is that this methodology attests to its validity mostly through repeated anecdotes of success rather than empirical data. For psychology related content like this, I believe we should have a high standard for long form content worthy of being published and studied.

My impression after reading this is that it seems like a good method for improving relationships, but I'm not wholeheartedly convinced that this was the best use of my time considering all of the other science out there regarding psychology.