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The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality
Men today are starved for sexual formation. They've been failed by parents, churches, and culture alike, leading to widespread shame, confusion, and brokenness in the area of sexuality. In The Sex Talk You Never Got, therapist Sam Jolman helps men reconnect their God-given sexuality with innocence, awe, and joy, and shows readers how to celebrate--instead of struggle against--the gift of sexual desire.
In our sex-saturated world, it might seem surprising that men need more talk about sex. But the reality is that sexuality is one of the most neglected aspects of men's lives. From the woefully inadequate sex talks many young men receive from parents (little more than an anatomy lesson or a purity lecture, if anything at all) to cultural messages that unhelpfully weave both shame and permissiveness into men's understanding of their own sexuality and masculinity, too many boys and men experience sexual desire as an area of struggle, confusion, and brokenness.
But it doesn't need to be this way. God made men to be moved, to live with wonder and awe--and sexual desire must be formed within the context of that design. Sam Jolman, a professional therapist who specializes in men's issues and sexual trauma recovery, shows men the way out of the wilds of sexual struggle. This timely and incisive book will help readers
learn about the vital link between sexual desire and their identity as worshipers;regain a wild and vigorous sexuality within the context of God's design;understand how purity culture has needlessly put men in a conflict-ridden relationship with their sexuality;see sexual purity not as the goal but as the preparation for becoming fully alive to beauty, awe, and worship; anddiscover how to trade shame and confusion for a sexuality that's filled with innocence and wonder.
In the Bible, Jesus' greatest kindness was often offered to those suffering sexual harm and brokenness. He offers this same kindness today. He does not want men to repent of their sexual desire. Rather, through reconnecting sexuality with innocence and awe, God opens the door for men to experience the wild joy of desire, rightly ordered toward worship and God's good purposes for their life.
In our sex-saturated world, it might seem surprising that men need more talk about sex. But the reality is that sexuality is one of the most neglected aspects of men's lives. From the woefully inadequate sex talks many young men receive from parents (little more than an anatomy lesson or a purity lecture, if anything at all) to cultural messages that unhelpfully weave both shame and permissiveness into men's understanding of their own sexuality and masculinity, too many boys and men experience sexual desire as an area of struggle, confusion, and brokenness.
But it doesn't need to be this way. God made men to be moved, to live with wonder and awe--and sexual desire must be formed within the context of that design. Sam Jolman, a professional therapist who specializes in men's issues and sexual trauma recovery, shows men the way out of the wilds of sexual struggle. This timely and incisive book will help readers
learn about the vital link between sexual desire and their identity as worshipers;regain a wild and vigorous sexuality within the context of God's design;understand how purity culture has needlessly put men in a conflict-ridden relationship with their sexuality;see sexual purity not as the goal but as the preparation for becoming fully alive to beauty, awe, and worship; anddiscover how to trade shame and confusion for a sexuality that's filled with innocence and wonder.
In the Bible, Jesus' greatest kindness was often offered to those suffering sexual harm and brokenness. He offers this same kindness today. He does not want men to repent of their sexual desire. Rather, through reconnecting sexuality with innocence and awe, God opens the door for men to experience the wild joy of desire, rightly ordered toward worship and God's good purposes for their life.
283 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 11, 2024
About the author
Sam Jolman
2 books28 followersSam Jolman (MA LPC) is a trauma therapist with over twenty years of experience specializing in men’s issues and sexual trauma recovery. He seeks to help men and women know and heal their stories, and find greater sexual wholeness and aliveness. He received his master’s in counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary and was further trained in Narrative Focused Trauma Care through the Allender Center at The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. Sam lives in Colorado with his wife and three sons. Together they enjoy exploring the best camping spots in a pop-up camper. Sam goes to therapy, loves fly fishing, and can often be found trying to catch his breath on the floor of his local CrossFit gym.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 102 reviews
June 4, 2024
Maybe the best lines in this very good book: "Some may say that lust involves looking too long and is solved by simply turning one's gaze away. But I know now the real need is to look with different eyes. Not longer but deeper. Not to stare but to behold."
June 23, 2024
I was really wanting to rate this book at 5 stars, and there was definitely 5 star content in the book, but sadly, the author undermined his own message.
First, the good. This book has an incredibly beautiful message of healing rather than fighting. He explains that men are not to simply live fighting urges their whole lives, but to attend to, and heal the brokenness inside and to live life fully aware and alive, the way God made you to be (i.e. that all Christian men can live the abundant life in Christ.) Also, his thoughts from Dan Allender’s quote “innocence is the ability to be in awe” provides an uplifting, encouraging, hopeful message to all.
Another great aspect of the book was the truth that freedom and healing comes from seeing others as fully human, not from simply avoiding women the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, the author also incudes several cringy stories that seem to go just too far. Maybe he was trying to wax poetic, but it just came across as weird. That was unfortunate, because this content could be used as a license to act opposite of the message the author is trying to convey.
Also, the author really cast mud all over his message with his use of profanity. It left me wondering who his target audience actually is? As a Christian, I was irritated that someone would be writing a book about living fully in Christ, and then taint his beautiful message with foul language. He just ostracized a large group of people who could really benefit from the actual content of this book.
(Also, huge pet peeve of mine: PLEASE, do not paraphrase Scripture with profanity. As a Christian, I find that very offensive.)
Ok, rant over. Loved the content of the book; it has a great, necessary, hopeful message. I wish I was able to recommend it to more people, but I can’t.
First, the good. This book has an incredibly beautiful message of healing rather than fighting. He explains that men are not to simply live fighting urges their whole lives, but to attend to, and heal the brokenness inside and to live life fully aware and alive, the way God made you to be (i.e. that all Christian men can live the abundant life in Christ.) Also, his thoughts from Dan Allender’s quote “innocence is the ability to be in awe” provides an uplifting, encouraging, hopeful message to all.
Another great aspect of the book was the truth that freedom and healing comes from seeing others as fully human, not from simply avoiding women the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, the author also incudes several cringy stories that seem to go just too far. Maybe he was trying to wax poetic, but it just came across as weird. That was unfortunate, because this content could be used as a license to act opposite of the message the author is trying to convey.
Also, the author really cast mud all over his message with his use of profanity. It left me wondering who his target audience actually is? As a Christian, I was irritated that someone would be writing a book about living fully in Christ, and then taint his beautiful message with foul language. He just ostracized a large group of people who could really benefit from the actual content of this book.
(Also, huge pet peeve of mine: PLEASE, do not paraphrase Scripture with profanity. As a Christian, I find that very offensive.)
Ok, rant over. Loved the content of the book; it has a great, necessary, hopeful message. I wish I was able to recommend it to more people, but I can’t.
June 11, 2024
This book belongs aside Jay Stringer's Unwanted and Zachary Wagner's Non-Toxic Masculinity as refreshing new books on a Christian pyschology/spirituality of masculine sexuality in a post-#MeToo, post-purity culture milieu. In this book, we see the insightful and attentive tenderness of Jolman as Christian counselor, seeking to walk with men in a self-discovery of oft-silenced sexuality.
His portrayal of the "madness of being oversexualized yet sexually undernurtured" through examples and stories helps to realize the depth to which our stories of shame have shaped our actions in the world. He shines light into the ways contempt and envy lead to perceiving sexual pleasure as a drive rather than a desire, and how this destroys the essence of healthy sexuality. Jolman's is a call to playfulness, to awe, to seeing beauty, to innocence, to kindness.
I was a bit surprised by some of his language at first, but I think it works with his (probably mostly millenial) audience. It took him awhile to gain my trust, and the first half of the conclusion seemed especially weak, but the book is definitely worth a read for guys wanting to think more deeply about living fully into God's goodness. It went straight into my best reads of 2024 list.
His portrayal of the "madness of being oversexualized yet sexually undernurtured" through examples and stories helps to realize the depth to which our stories of shame have shaped our actions in the world. He shines light into the ways contempt and envy lead to perceiving sexual pleasure as a drive rather than a desire, and how this destroys the essence of healthy sexuality. Jolman's is a call to playfulness, to awe, to seeing beauty, to innocence, to kindness.
I was a bit surprised by some of his language at first, but I think it works with his (probably mostly millenial) audience. It took him awhile to gain my trust, and the first half of the conclusion seemed especially weak, but the book is definitely worth a read for guys wanting to think more deeply about living fully into God's goodness. It went straight into my best reads of 2024 list.
November 20, 2025
My scale for non-fiction:
1 star- DNF or not worth reading
2 star- some good content but so much not good content is mixed in that I can’t feel right recommending the book
3 star- enough good that I can recommend as a one time read to chew the meat and spit out the bones
4 star- good book, worth reading and considering
5 star- perspective altering, deeply encouraging, or very well written. A book I would recommend for sure and even if I disagree it’s something that needed to be thought through.
Every time I came across something I found good right or helpful, I would also come across something I found off-putting, wrong, or damaging. The author has become lost in the sauce, and not in a good way.
1 star- DNF or not worth reading
2 star- some good content but so much not good content is mixed in that I can’t feel right recommending the book
3 star- enough good that I can recommend as a one time read to chew the meat and spit out the bones
4 star- good book, worth reading and considering
5 star- perspective altering, deeply encouraging, or very well written. A book I would recommend for sure and even if I disagree it’s something that needed to be thought through.
Every time I came across something I found good right or helpful, I would also come across something I found off-putting, wrong, or damaging. The author has become lost in the sauce, and not in a good way.
November 28, 2024
There seems to be no end of discussions regarding “masculinity” and “femininity” in conservative Christendom writ large. It has truly become a major obsession, one much more on account of society and culture than anything coming out of the pages of Scripture. A lot of the arguments tend to center on how much of what we consider gendered characteristics are truly intrinsic to men and women, and how much of them are socially and culturally constructed.
As in all such “nature versus nurture” arguments, the truth of the matter is probably somewhere in-between. But what we all should be able to agree upon is how the construction of masculine sexuality in the modern Western world has been pretty harmful for everyone involved, and it does not have to be this way.
In The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality (galley received as part of early review program), Sam Jolman, a “Reformed” Christian and licensed therapist, speaks directly to the hearts of men who have been raised and encultured in modern American sexuality. The message remains consistent for those raised in Christian “purity culture” contexts as well as secular American contexts, because all share in fundamental aspects of misogyny and often distorted pictures of what sexuality should look like for men. He wants to give them the “sex talk” they never received, attempting to find a healthier way forward.
The author speaks of healthy male sexuality as finding awe, wonder, and joy in sexual desire, romance, and sexual union. He forthrightly addresses how shame enters a man’s sexual story, and all too often some kind of sexual abuse as well. He frankly and forthrightly testifies to the misogyny which pervades American masculine perspectives on sexuality, a misogyny almost all American men have absorbed, even if unconsciously, and abundantly manifest in the prevalence of and themes within pornography. He frames this misogyny in terms of contempt, as pointed toward others, even those whom we love, and of course even ourselves.
But he does not just wallow in the problems. He provides a healthy way forward, attested to in terms of both what the Scriptures would make known as well as insights from the world of therapy. He encourages men to seek again a restored innocence and to cultivate the lover within. He encourages men to live within the body and to restore our often broken mind-body connections. He encourages healthy forms of regulating bodily impulses and desires.
Something the author highlights in terms of self-regulation and self-soothing is worth addressing quite explicitly. So many times pornography is discussed in terms of its sexual content and as a form of sexually deviant behavior and as if a man turns to pornography because of a lack of sexual satisfaction in a relationship. The author confesses his own experiences with pornography and also provides a more accurate explanation about why so many men turn to pornography in various circumstances: it is not nearly as much about the sex as it is about the ability to “see” and “consume” the objectified bodies as a way of reinforcing a form of superiority and projecting a kind of contempt on the women, for certain, but also as a form of self-soothing and in order to get a hit of dopamine. This kind of explanation is not designed to minimize the dangers of pornography or its deleterious effects on relationships: instead, it is offered to provide men with a way forward in terms of avoiding it. As long as men are not given the space and tools to regulate their mental, emotional, and physical conditions, and can find healthier ways to self-soothe, they will all the more easily keep falling prey to the temptation to look at pornography. When a man is better able to regulate and self-soothe, the temptation proves less strong. This is not just about pornography; men also often turn to sexual intimacy for self-soothing. This may not be the end of the world on occasion, but as a habit will not work constructively to cultivate relational unity between a man and his wife. In truth, a lot of the difficulty of male sexuality comes from the mental, emotional, and sexual traumas and wounds men have suffered in their youth and as they have grown up. In society and culture men have historically been expected to stuff and suppress, and it is no wonder this has led to all kinds of unhealthy coping behaviors.
Jolman would also have men maintain their separateness in order to share more fully in relational unity, restore their capacity for wonder, and revel in real play in romance and sexuality, not the vicarious version we get as spectators of others.
Do not get too put off by the fact John Eldredge wrote the introduction to this book; the author owes a lot to him, and associating Eldredge with the book will hopefully mean more Christian men might take it seriously than they might otherwise. The author definitely shows his Reformed colors when talking about corruption and sin. Yet the author bridges the worlds of Christian witness and mental health and therapy well. He has worked in consultation with Sheila Wray Gregoire and all of her research into Christian women and their sexuality. This book is not the production of a young, restless, Reformed theobro thumping his chest and glorifying a John Wayne-esque masculinity. This is not an affirmation of “purity culture.” The author by no means blames women or holds women at all responsible; and, as indicated, he is willing to confess and call out the base level of misogyny which all American men are raised in and exposed to no matter how much feminist influence has shaped them.
Instead, this is a highly compelling and important exposition on how men are wounded and greatly harmed in American masculine culture regarding sexuality, and how those men can find healing and wholeness in their sexuality and its expression. To this end I highly, highly recommend this book to both men and women: for men, as a way to give voice to the conflict and struggles you have endured; for women, as a way to better understand the men in your life whom you love.
Now, “men” and “women” are used advisedly; this is probably not a book you want to give to a teenager. But hopefully, in absorbing the messages in this book, you will help heal generational traumas so that your sons and daughters may be able to deal with other struggles instead.
As in all such “nature versus nurture” arguments, the truth of the matter is probably somewhere in-between. But what we all should be able to agree upon is how the construction of masculine sexuality in the modern Western world has been pretty harmful for everyone involved, and it does not have to be this way.
In The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality (galley received as part of early review program), Sam Jolman, a “Reformed” Christian and licensed therapist, speaks directly to the hearts of men who have been raised and encultured in modern American sexuality. The message remains consistent for those raised in Christian “purity culture” contexts as well as secular American contexts, because all share in fundamental aspects of misogyny and often distorted pictures of what sexuality should look like for men. He wants to give them the “sex talk” they never received, attempting to find a healthier way forward.
The author speaks of healthy male sexuality as finding awe, wonder, and joy in sexual desire, romance, and sexual union. He forthrightly addresses how shame enters a man’s sexual story, and all too often some kind of sexual abuse as well. He frankly and forthrightly testifies to the misogyny which pervades American masculine perspectives on sexuality, a misogyny almost all American men have absorbed, even if unconsciously, and abundantly manifest in the prevalence of and themes within pornography. He frames this misogyny in terms of contempt, as pointed toward others, even those whom we love, and of course even ourselves.
But he does not just wallow in the problems. He provides a healthy way forward, attested to in terms of both what the Scriptures would make known as well as insights from the world of therapy. He encourages men to seek again a restored innocence and to cultivate the lover within. He encourages men to live within the body and to restore our often broken mind-body connections. He encourages healthy forms of regulating bodily impulses and desires.
Something the author highlights in terms of self-regulation and self-soothing is worth addressing quite explicitly. So many times pornography is discussed in terms of its sexual content and as a form of sexually deviant behavior and as if a man turns to pornography because of a lack of sexual satisfaction in a relationship. The author confesses his own experiences with pornography and also provides a more accurate explanation about why so many men turn to pornography in various circumstances: it is not nearly as much about the sex as it is about the ability to “see” and “consume” the objectified bodies as a way of reinforcing a form of superiority and projecting a kind of contempt on the women, for certain, but also as a form of self-soothing and in order to get a hit of dopamine. This kind of explanation is not designed to minimize the dangers of pornography or its deleterious effects on relationships: instead, it is offered to provide men with a way forward in terms of avoiding it. As long as men are not given the space and tools to regulate their mental, emotional, and physical conditions, and can find healthier ways to self-soothe, they will all the more easily keep falling prey to the temptation to look at pornography. When a man is better able to regulate and self-soothe, the temptation proves less strong. This is not just about pornography; men also often turn to sexual intimacy for self-soothing. This may not be the end of the world on occasion, but as a habit will not work constructively to cultivate relational unity between a man and his wife. In truth, a lot of the difficulty of male sexuality comes from the mental, emotional, and sexual traumas and wounds men have suffered in their youth and as they have grown up. In society and culture men have historically been expected to stuff and suppress, and it is no wonder this has led to all kinds of unhealthy coping behaviors.
Jolman would also have men maintain their separateness in order to share more fully in relational unity, restore their capacity for wonder, and revel in real play in romance and sexuality, not the vicarious version we get as spectators of others.
Do not get too put off by the fact John Eldredge wrote the introduction to this book; the author owes a lot to him, and associating Eldredge with the book will hopefully mean more Christian men might take it seriously than they might otherwise. The author definitely shows his Reformed colors when talking about corruption and sin. Yet the author bridges the worlds of Christian witness and mental health and therapy well. He has worked in consultation with Sheila Wray Gregoire and all of her research into Christian women and their sexuality. This book is not the production of a young, restless, Reformed theobro thumping his chest and glorifying a John Wayne-esque masculinity. This is not an affirmation of “purity culture.” The author by no means blames women or holds women at all responsible; and, as indicated, he is willing to confess and call out the base level of misogyny which all American men are raised in and exposed to no matter how much feminist influence has shaped them.
Instead, this is a highly compelling and important exposition on how men are wounded and greatly harmed in American masculine culture regarding sexuality, and how those men can find healing and wholeness in their sexuality and its expression. To this end I highly, highly recommend this book to both men and women: for men, as a way to give voice to the conflict and struggles you have endured; for women, as a way to better understand the men in your life whom you love.
Now, “men” and “women” are used advisedly; this is probably not a book you want to give to a teenager. But hopefully, in absorbing the messages in this book, you will help heal generational traumas so that your sons and daughters may be able to deal with other struggles instead.
June 15, 2024
All about regrowing our sense of awe and healing the inner child that carries sexual shame. I laughed. I cried. This book was great. Except for the weird Eldridge-inspired parts (like I don’t necessarily think this book had to be targeted specifically at men and the “you are a warrior” messaging), I thoroughly enjoyed it and have been talking about the themes nonstop. There are a lot of places of extracting and then naming a definitive, specifically with Bible verses or peoples backstories that I would have liked to see more of the author saying “my perspective is…” instead of “this is how it is”. I would still recommend everyone read this. I love the reframing of lust as “men are just hyper sexual creatures” to “something is broken we are trying to soothe in our sexuality”. I wish I had this books YEARS ago.
October 12, 2025
Jolman had several strengths to his book that many people could benefit hearing.
1. Everyone has a "sexual narrative." Although it is well know among Christians that the world is sending numerous unhelpful messages about sex and sexuality, Jolman better and more specifically analyzes what this looks like and what it means for Christians.
2. Jolman helpfully draws out the connection between our sexuality and shame.
3. Perhaps his greatest strength, he pushes the Christian reader to realize that as one raises children, sex and sexuality cannot be a one time, awkward, and embarrassing "sex talk" that stops there. Conversations about sex and sexuality must be a regular part of life. As one raises children, they need a biblical understanding of sex that is tied not to shame and worldly and selfish views but to beauty, love, and God's good design.
Although I appreciated the above three points, Jolman's book could have been much shorter and I would disagree with some of his applications. This would not be my go-to for a topic like this but it was helpful.
1. Everyone has a "sexual narrative." Although it is well know among Christians that the world is sending numerous unhelpful messages about sex and sexuality, Jolman better and more specifically analyzes what this looks like and what it means for Christians.
2. Jolman helpfully draws out the connection between our sexuality and shame.
3. Perhaps his greatest strength, he pushes the Christian reader to realize that as one raises children, sex and sexuality cannot be a one time, awkward, and embarrassing "sex talk" that stops there. Conversations about sex and sexuality must be a regular part of life. As one raises children, they need a biblical understanding of sex that is tied not to shame and worldly and selfish views but to beauty, love, and God's good design.
Although I appreciated the above three points, Jolman's book could have been much shorter and I would disagree with some of his applications. This would not be my go-to for a topic like this but it was helpful.
November 17, 2025
I think this book may have aspects that seem problematic. But I would highly encourage you to have ears to hear what he is communicating.
I think even if you have no sexual trauma, or sexual past at all, we all have caught a worldly vision for masculinity and sex to some degree. This book will begin give you the tools to undo the world’s script and take on a truly Christian script for sex and masculinity.
I was very challenged by this book at times.
Overall it’s beautifully written and rooted in scripture. I cried several times while reading it. I’m very thankful to Lee meadows for not merely suggesting it but buying me a copy and giving it to me.
I think even if you have no sexual trauma, or sexual past at all, we all have caught a worldly vision for masculinity and sex to some degree. This book will begin give you the tools to undo the world’s script and take on a truly Christian script for sex and masculinity.
I was very challenged by this book at times.
Overall it’s beautifully written and rooted in scripture. I cried several times while reading it. I’m very thankful to Lee meadows for not merely suggesting it but buying me a copy and giving it to me.
December 30, 2025
“You will find a bazillion moments to change the tide in our world away from sex as power, or sex as escape, or sex as irreverent and toward sex as love. We have so few of these stories being told in our culture.” | Jolman’s honest and thoughtful approach to redeemed sexuality was truly beautiful to read! Clearly written from the experience and perspective of an educated Christian counselor, Jolman does a superb job navigating the tensions and nuances of this area of the human experience. This book bubbles up wonderful honesty, rich reflection, and a sincere call to love others deeply in every area of life.
February 5, 2025
Wow. A refreshing book on sexuality that integrates faith and current relational, attachment, and trauma literature.
Written for men by a man, but as a woman who benefited much from the conversation, I’d recommend for both my male and female friends.
Written for men by a man, but as a woman who benefited much from the conversation, I’d recommend for both my male and female friends.
July 30, 2026
Oh so that’s what sex is
August 15, 2024
I won this book through GoodReads First Read program.
This is certainly not your typical religious book dealing with sex. I think that is a good thing. I liked the ideas presented by Jolman, I just didn't think they were explained clearly.
This is a book geared towards men which is important because there are differences between the genders when it comes to sex. This was downplayed by Jolman however.
I found myself wanting to finish the book and not dwelling on the pleasure of reading it. It felt like a task I had to accomplish, not something I could sit back and enjoy.
This is certainly not your typical religious book dealing with sex. I think that is a good thing. I liked the ideas presented by Jolman, I just didn't think they were explained clearly.
This is a book geared towards men which is important because there are differences between the genders when it comes to sex. This was downplayed by Jolman however.
I found myself wanting to finish the book and not dwelling on the pleasure of reading it. It felt like a task I had to accomplish, not something I could sit back and enjoy.
March 31, 2026
While the book was alright. He made some good points but its progressive which I'd rather avoid because true Christianity isn’t progressive. The glaring missing pieces of the book and its message is he never mentions what Apostle Paul wrote about sexual immortality and how we're suppose to flee sexual immortality. I will not recommend this book.
July 1, 2024
A lovely book on male sexuality written at the right moment, as the last couple of decades has uncovered and condemned toxic masculinity and sexuality - justifiably so, might I add - but has left us with few solutions as to what healthy masculinity and sexuality should look at. Polman's argument, a call for men to return to a more full and innocent sensuality and arousal for life and beauty in general, is persuasive and something I'd gladly advocate, demonstrate and also teach to my own sons.
I saw another reviewer already quoting this line and I agree that it might be one of the core messages of the book of how we should transition from lust and objectification to affirming, life giving sensuality and appreciation: "Some may say that lust involves looking too long and is solved by simply turning one's gaze away. But I know now the real need is to look with different eyes. Not longer but deeper. Not to stare but to behold." And this should not just be narrowly limited to those we are (sexually) attracted to but to life in general; go find and enjoy beauty in poetry, nature, athleticism, crafts, or whatever makes you enjoy life and be in awe.
Jolman's message and his writing style are very reminiscent of John Eldredge, and it build's on Eldredge's broader, more general message by focusing specifically on this issue of sexuality and sensuality.
I listened to the audiobook version, read by Jolman himself, but it is currently not available as an edition on Goodreads. Jolman's performance was fine, again quite reminiscent in style to Eldredge.
I'd happily recommend this to anyone who is interested in this subject. Though its outlook is explicitly and unabashedly Christian, I don't think its readership should be restricted to Christians.
I saw another reviewer already quoting this line and I agree that it might be one of the core messages of the book of how we should transition from lust and objectification to affirming, life giving sensuality and appreciation: "Some may say that lust involves looking too long and is solved by simply turning one's gaze away. But I know now the real need is to look with different eyes. Not longer but deeper. Not to stare but to behold." And this should not just be narrowly limited to those we are (sexually) attracted to but to life in general; go find and enjoy beauty in poetry, nature, athleticism, crafts, or whatever makes you enjoy life and be in awe.
Jolman's message and his writing style are very reminiscent of John Eldredge, and it build's on Eldredge's broader, more general message by focusing specifically on this issue of sexuality and sensuality.
I listened to the audiobook version, read by Jolman himself, but it is currently not available as an edition on Goodreads. Jolman's performance was fine, again quite reminiscent in style to Eldredge.
I'd happily recommend this to anyone who is interested in this subject. Though its outlook is explicitly and unabashedly Christian, I don't think its readership should be restricted to Christians.
February 5, 2025
Wow. 6 Stars. In many ways, this is the sex talk you never knew you needed.
The book gets beneath the surface and to the heart. He gives us a beautiful vision of biblical male sexuality that benefits both men and women. He masterfully guides us to examine our own shame and hurt, how we naturally cope with it, and leads us to experience healing through Jesus + Therapy. He points us now both purity culture and hook up culture fall short.You can tell that Sam Jolman is a professional and experienced therapist. A nice bonus are the stories and anecdotes he shares from his own life, friends, families, and patients (all with permission of course).
My one critique is that I feel like he could have expounded more on how this helps the single/unmarried man. He did do that some, but I feel like it could have been better. Either way, a single man will benefit greatly from reading and grappling with this.
The book gets beneath the surface and to the heart. He gives us a beautiful vision of biblical male sexuality that benefits both men and women. He masterfully guides us to examine our own shame and hurt, how we naturally cope with it, and leads us to experience healing through Jesus + Therapy. He points us now both purity culture and hook up culture fall short.You can tell that Sam Jolman is a professional and experienced therapist. A nice bonus are the stories and anecdotes he shares from his own life, friends, families, and patients (all with permission of course).
My one critique is that I feel like he could have expounded more on how this helps the single/unmarried man. He did do that some, but I feel like it could have been better. Either way, a single man will benefit greatly from reading and grappling with this.
February 16, 2025
This book stunned me. It's good. Really good.
And yes, it's written to men, and in many ways I felt like I had intruded into a sacred masculine space as I listened. But as I listened to his vision for the reclamation of masculine sexuality, I found some of my own inaccurate and twisted ideas about men being reformed, and a growing awe for the beauty and virility of a man living from his lover heart, in all the gentleness, boldness, courage, and passion that embodies.
Guys, highly recommend. Women, you may get more from this than you might expect.
And yes, it's written to men, and in many ways I felt like I had intruded into a sacred masculine space as I listened. But as I listened to his vision for the reclamation of masculine sexuality, I found some of my own inaccurate and twisted ideas about men being reformed, and a growing awe for the beauty and virility of a man living from his lover heart, in all the gentleness, boldness, courage, and passion that embodies.
Guys, highly recommend. Women, you may get more from this than you might expect.
July 27, 2024
Helpful perspective informed by the experience of a counselor. I especially appreciated the challenge to try and understand your own sexual sin rather than just suppress it, and that we must be able to say sexual desire is good.
My only annoyance is that it uses scripture loosely, which gives an appearance of biblical roots that it simply does not have. I largely agree with the points in this book, but they are only the authors informed views, not biblically rooted truths.
My only annoyance is that it uses scripture loosely, which gives an appearance of biblical roots that it simply does not have. I largely agree with the points in this book, but they are only the authors informed views, not biblically rooted truths.
November 30, 2024
This is a book about awe. I read a lot of books about sexuality, and this was one of the most moving I've ever read. As a therapist, Jolman truly confronts the "heart" of masculine sexuality in a non-trite manner. (And yes, as a female reader, I found a lot of inspiration and relevance.) It's hard, holy, and hopeful.
July 12, 2025
Not my typical genre but was a gift from a friend & probably an area that needs to be talked about more especially with men. Very biblical approach, explores the need to accept and address feelings rather then fight them and a return towards innocence and play.
July 31, 2026
Wow. Truly remarkable. Most intriguing work I've read, made evident by the fact that I finished it in less that 2 days in the middle of a work week. Therapeutic and transformational. Will be purchasing a hard copy. Read it. Be inspired.
(Tempted to give it 5 stars)
(Tempted to give it 5 stars)
June 6, 2025
A must read for all men.
January 23, 2025
I know that this was specifically written to men, and that I am not a man, but if you are mom of sons, or a wife, or anyone wanting a healthier view of sexuality, definitely read this book. Especially as someone who grew up in purity culture, I found this to be an informative, gracious, God honoring book about sexuality.
There’s a lot of talk about how purity culture hurt women and that is 100% true, but it also hurt men. Sam tackles this problem beautifully, honoring both men and women.
There’s a lot of talk about how purity culture hurt women and that is 100% true, but it also hurt men. Sam tackles this problem beautifully, honoring both men and women.
March 28, 2025
One of the best books on this topic I have read. Shows a healthy, godly way to view sexuality and the incredible gift that God has given us.
August 6, 2025
This is easily the best book on sex and sexuality that I've ever read. I think it's probably one that every Christian man needs to read, and, honestly, every man in general. The primary messages Jolman is trying to get across with this book are things that you might discover in a private counseling session: 1. We, as men, should not be afraid to talk about sex, 2. We, as men, learned what sex was, what it was for, and how it should be enjoyed from all the wrong places, and 3. (most impactfully) our sexual brokenness can be healed. I had never heard these things talked about so openly and hopefully before, it was always don't, don't don't. That's not how God wired us. Yeah, I would put this on the list of top 5 most important books I've ever read. Thanks Sam.
December 20, 2024
Some books suck.
Other books you read will be marginally useful. You may find a couple things to apply to your life, but you probably won't read it again.
Some books blow your socks off. You rush to Amazon to give a 5 star review.
You sing its praises.
These are the books you keep on your book shelf and recommend to friends.
But every now and then...
Perhaps only a few times in your life, you read a book and you're never the same.
You experience a fundamental paradigm shift that causes you to relate to the world differently. It changes the way you think.
It rewrites what you think you know about a topic. It renews your mind.
My friends, this is one of those special few books that you will read in your life that will change you.
This isn't just an incredible book.
It's one that has captured the essence of what male sexuality is and how it should be harnessed.
But it's more than self-mastery. It's a coming home to everything that God intended for us.
If you are a man, this is a must for you.
Regardless of if you struggle with "purity," or not. This one is for you.
Other books you read will be marginally useful. You may find a couple things to apply to your life, but you probably won't read it again.
Some books blow your socks off. You rush to Amazon to give a 5 star review.
You sing its praises.
These are the books you keep on your book shelf and recommend to friends.
But every now and then...
Perhaps only a few times in your life, you read a book and you're never the same.
You experience a fundamental paradigm shift that causes you to relate to the world differently. It changes the way you think.
It rewrites what you think you know about a topic. It renews your mind.
My friends, this is one of those special few books that you will read in your life that will change you.
This isn't just an incredible book.
It's one that has captured the essence of what male sexuality is and how it should be harnessed.
But it's more than self-mastery. It's a coming home to everything that God intended for us.
If you are a man, this is a must for you.
Regardless of if you struggle with "purity," or not. This one is for you.
August 17, 2024
For the love of everything, please read this book!
I will devour anything that wakes my heart up from the cynical & “realistic” world we live in to remind me of how we were designed by God to live. This book did so much surgery on my heart, and it helped me in ways that I’ll spend years figuring out. Sam Jolman is a gift to the world for writing this book and for the man he is. Buy is, read it, share it, and live it out.
I will devour anything that wakes my heart up from the cynical & “realistic” world we live in to remind me of how we were designed by God to live. This book did so much surgery on my heart, and it helped me in ways that I’ll spend years figuring out. Sam Jolman is a gift to the world for writing this book and for the man he is. Buy is, read it, share it, and live it out.
July 27, 2024
This book! 🎉
Seriously recommend!
Warm, relational, and so practical. This book is written to men, and primarily for men, but not weighted down with the extra-biblical to do lists of "gender roles" theology so common in our christian culture. It's really personal, written in a way to self reflect and understand yourself as an image bearer, with the author presenting changes in perspective, thoughts to wrestle with, and reflection to apply to your individual person and situation. And the fact that the author is a professional therapist, who recieved his master's in counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary, this really shines through in this book -I found it so relevant to both age old theological truths, and to current findings in psychology, (not many books are both, usually they are one or the other) especially with regards to shame, it's purpose, and how it effects us. The book does have some pretty tough/descriptive stories in it, yet they are shared with obvious care for the person whose stories they are. I think this book should be required reading for all premarital classes for both men and women, or even a grade 12 required reading or read before going to college or university.
Seriously recommend!
Warm, relational, and so practical. This book is written to men, and primarily for men, but not weighted down with the extra-biblical to do lists of "gender roles" theology so common in our christian culture. It's really personal, written in a way to self reflect and understand yourself as an image bearer, with the author presenting changes in perspective, thoughts to wrestle with, and reflection to apply to your individual person and situation. And the fact that the author is a professional therapist, who recieved his master's in counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary, this really shines through in this book -I found it so relevant to both age old theological truths, and to current findings in psychology, (not many books are both, usually they are one or the other) especially with regards to shame, it's purpose, and how it effects us. The book does have some pretty tough/descriptive stories in it, yet they are shared with obvious care for the person whose stories they are. I think this book should be required reading for all premarital classes for both men and women, or even a grade 12 required reading or read before going to college or university.
April 18, 2025
Hi,
I hope all is progressing well.
The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality by Sam Jolman, MA, LPC, explores sensualness, sexuality, innocence, self, beauty, reverence, awe, evil, shame, abuse, respect, culturing, and love amongst other points, intersectingly (through qualitative and quantitative research)(the text is extremely and excellently descriptive of many of the terms). Engaging my interests in healthful progressions of life as well as of being a more mindful romantic/life partner, I decide to buy then read the text to further broaden and deepen my healthfully progressing understanding of healthfully progressing parameters of life. Noticing the context correlating with God, I immediately grow curious because I believe in God, the Creator of the Universe, so one may consider me more non-denominationally (than of any particular religion, though I am familiar with many beliefs/religions, so as to be more mindful growing with the ever progressing interdependent reality) noting myself to be more spiritual than religious. I really find the text approaches contexts of good hedonism, for the most part, extremely well, especially considering how the text practically encourages reclaiming one's life fully, not by any limiting standard in connection with evil. What a beautiful read engaging how one may not only heal though grow thrivingly. One has much control over one's life.
Here are a few of my ponderings when reading the text (which proves to contain more than just for a man to acknowledge); I don't know Hugh Hefner personally (RIP) though Playboy Magazine is one of the greatest publications of all time (especially considering zeitgeists Playboy Magazine grows through, the publication proves excellently of high comedy, satire, think pieces, highly relevant information engaging modernity—qualities of varieties—proving to be literature constantly at the forefronts of terror and wonder, revolutionarily with the ever progressing interdependent reality, toward wonder); Who is to determine one's sacred space?; One must acknowledge what type of relationship a couple/individual may be seeking, especially considering proclivity toward any fetish.
Additionally, the following texts may assist one with further deliberating concepts of contexts within The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality by Sam Jolman, MA, LPC: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Dr. Lori A. Brotto, PhD, Lifespan: Why We Age—and Why We Don’t Have To by Dr. David A. Sinclair, PhD, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex by Joan Price, Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (Newly Updated and Revised 5th Edition) by Dr. Christiane Northrup, M.D., Dr. Nita’s Crash Course for Women: Better Sex, Better Health, Better You by Dr. Nita Landry, MD, OB-GYN, The Girls' Guide to Growing Up Great: Changing Bodies, Periods, Relationships, Life Online by Sophie Elkan with Laura Chaisty and Dr. Maddy Podichetty as well as Illustrations by Flo Perry, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Dr. Daniel Goleman, PhD, Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon by Dr. Joe Dispenza, The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs That Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success by Dr. Mario Martinez, It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn, Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life by Dr. Nan Wise, PhD, The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Dr. Jen Gunter, MD, This is How You Vagina: All About Your Vajayjay and Why You Probably Shouldn't Call it That by Dr. Nicole E. Williams, M.D., Come As You Are (Revised and Updated): The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., The Vagina Book: An Owner's Manual for Taking Care of Your Down There by The Thinx Inc. Team, Dr. Jenn Conti, MD, and Daiana Ruiz (Illustrator), The Science of Sex by Kate Moyle, a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, (illustrations by Jocelyn Covarrubias), The New Sex Bible, The New Guide to Sexual Love by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, PhD, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, 4th Edition: Learn the Secret of a Sizzling Sex Life by Dr. Sari Locker, PhD, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex (2nd Edition) by Dr. Judy Kuriansky, PhD, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire by Judy Ford, MSW, LCSW, with Rachel Greene Baldino, MSW, LCSW, The New Sex Bible for Women: The Complete Guide to Sexual Self-Awareness and Intimacy by Dr. Amie Harwick, Great Sex for Life by Linda Sonntag, Sexual Happiness for Women: A Practical Approach by Maurice Yaffe and Elizabeth Fenwick, The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson, Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson, Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship by Dr. Stephen Snyder, M.D., Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, and Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us by Dr. Jesse Bering, PhD.
Onward and Upward,
Kevin Dufresne
www.Piatures.com
IG: @Dufreshest
I hope all is progressing well.
The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality by Sam Jolman, MA, LPC, explores sensualness, sexuality, innocence, self, beauty, reverence, awe, evil, shame, abuse, respect, culturing, and love amongst other points, intersectingly (through qualitative and quantitative research)(the text is extremely and excellently descriptive of many of the terms). Engaging my interests in healthful progressions of life as well as of being a more mindful romantic/life partner, I decide to buy then read the text to further broaden and deepen my healthfully progressing understanding of healthfully progressing parameters of life. Noticing the context correlating with God, I immediately grow curious because I believe in God, the Creator of the Universe, so one may consider me more non-denominationally (than of any particular religion, though I am familiar with many beliefs/religions, so as to be more mindful growing with the ever progressing interdependent reality) noting myself to be more spiritual than religious. I really find the text approaches contexts of good hedonism, for the most part, extremely well, especially considering how the text practically encourages reclaiming one's life fully, not by any limiting standard in connection with evil. What a beautiful read engaging how one may not only heal though grow thrivingly. One has much control over one's life.
Here are a few of my ponderings when reading the text (which proves to contain more than just for a man to acknowledge); I don't know Hugh Hefner personally (RIP) though Playboy Magazine is one of the greatest publications of all time (especially considering zeitgeists Playboy Magazine grows through, the publication proves excellently of high comedy, satire, think pieces, highly relevant information engaging modernity—qualities of varieties—proving to be literature constantly at the forefronts of terror and wonder, revolutionarily with the ever progressing interdependent reality, toward wonder); Who is to determine one's sacred space?; One must acknowledge what type of relationship a couple/individual may be seeking, especially considering proclivity toward any fetish.
Additionally, the following texts may assist one with further deliberating concepts of contexts within The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality by Sam Jolman, MA, LPC: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Dr. Lori A. Brotto, PhD, Lifespan: Why We Age—and Why We Don’t Have To by Dr. David A. Sinclair, PhD, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex by Joan Price, Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (Newly Updated and Revised 5th Edition) by Dr. Christiane Northrup, M.D., Dr. Nita’s Crash Course for Women: Better Sex, Better Health, Better You by Dr. Nita Landry, MD, OB-GYN, The Girls' Guide to Growing Up Great: Changing Bodies, Periods, Relationships, Life Online by Sophie Elkan with Laura Chaisty and Dr. Maddy Podichetty as well as Illustrations by Flo Perry, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Dr. Daniel Goleman, PhD, Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon by Dr. Joe Dispenza, The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs That Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success by Dr. Mario Martinez, It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn, Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life by Dr. Nan Wise, PhD, The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Dr. Jen Gunter, MD, This is How You Vagina: All About Your Vajayjay and Why You Probably Shouldn't Call it That by Dr. Nicole E. Williams, M.D., Come As You Are (Revised and Updated): The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., The Vagina Book: An Owner's Manual for Taking Care of Your Down There by The Thinx Inc. Team, Dr. Jenn Conti, MD, and Daiana Ruiz (Illustrator), The Science of Sex by Kate Moyle, a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, (illustrations by Jocelyn Covarrubias), The New Sex Bible, The New Guide to Sexual Love by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, PhD, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, 4th Edition: Learn the Secret of a Sizzling Sex Life by Dr. Sari Locker, PhD, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex (2nd Edition) by Dr. Judy Kuriansky, PhD, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire by Judy Ford, MSW, LCSW, with Rachel Greene Baldino, MSW, LCSW, The New Sex Bible for Women: The Complete Guide to Sexual Self-Awareness and Intimacy by Dr. Amie Harwick, Great Sex for Life by Linda Sonntag, Sexual Happiness for Women: A Practical Approach by Maurice Yaffe and Elizabeth Fenwick, The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson, Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson, Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship by Dr. Stephen Snyder, M.D., Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, and Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us by Dr. Jesse Bering, PhD.
Onward and Upward,
Kevin Dufresne
www.Piatures.com
IG: @Dufreshest
July 20, 2024
The best book on understanding the masculine sexual journey I have ever read.
July 13, 2024
Loved Sam’s heart to Bless masculinity and all that it is. To bless the lover within that culture suppresses and giving permission to live with the same radical love as Jesus
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