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117 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 16, 2015
'When do we first realize that youth is, or was, a season of discrimination? Where do we first find that out? It’s the most nostalgic part of youth because it is itself a sign of our foolishness. To want to criticize others, to look down on others all just to be confident in yourself. Youth is a mess of a season, impossible to live through without criticizing both the self and others. But in youth we criticize both ourselves and others in their full humanity. It’s only lonely adults that call others less than human.'
'...whether you’re right or not has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t matter which of us is right. Just because you’re correct doesn’t mean you have the right to hurt someone. That’s all I know. You hurt me, and if that makes the pain, the burden of college entrance exams, and the fact that you still haven’t gone to college go away, then that’s fine. But you shouldn’t be dragging righteousness into this. You shouldn’t be trying to force the responsibility for the emptiness you hate so much onto me either. It’s not the place for you to be justifying your own violence. Righteousness has absolutely nothing to do with violence.'
'We were heading to Kyoto. We would take the bullet train to Kyoto Station. From there we would take our luggage to the Japanese-style inn we were staying at. After eating lunch, we’d all ride a bus to Kiyomizudera Temple and Kinkakuji Temple. Then we’d go back to the inn, eat, bathe, and sleep. The only thing our group mattered for was where we’d sit on the bus, and I was with Morishita the whole time. I could hear Taeda and Watase’s stupid laughs, and Watase’s sickly sweet voice when she talked to Aoyama. Aoyama was visibly bored.'
'Aren’t you different in school? I asked. She usually seemed like, like she just wanted everything she didn’t care about to die. And like she’d even been granted permission to feel that way.'
'"Well, when...got arrested, you know I was happy that you survived.”
It seemed like the plants were dissolving into the air.'
"Most of the people I met in college take everything seriously and have experienced things like love and friendship as slightly worse versions of what's portrayed in comic books. I describe my past like they do when I talk about it. I never say anything like, "My best friend was killed by one of our classmates." Basically, I try not to ruin the mood."
"There are things you can't look at if you want to keep living. It's only natural that you must avoid those people who try to keep looking directly at the things we must not acknowledge."
"It was much later that I noticed a hole had painlessly opened up in the middle of my heart, as though my body were trying to split itself apart."
"When do we first realize that youth is, or was, a season of discrimination?"
"But in youth we criticize both ourselves and others in their full humanity. It's only lonely adults that call others less than human."
"I felt like my heart flipped upside down, turned inside out, that my blood was spurting from my body and falling to the white floor, that I had vanished. My empty, dried-out organs gurgled and swayed on the chair. That was my heart's attempt at beating. My best attempt at living."