Mooses with Bazookas: And Other Stories Children Should Never Read

by S.D. Smith, Joe Hox (illustrator)

Mooses with And Other Stories Children Should Never Read is a fun collection of stories. It’s exactly like The Count of Monte Cristo apart from the many differences. Our lawyers have instructed us to warn you that reading it may directly cause you to come down with every single disease you are worried about contracting. On the plus side, our nation’s beloved and heroic critics have had their say.

“FANTASTIC is not a word that comes to mind.”—Beth Hinkle, author of Elite Prose
“ASTOUNDING problems at the sentence level and beyond.”—Dr. Roger Johns, Ph. D
.“S. D. SMITH IS in dire need of A GENIUS editor.”—Art Simonson, Inner Ring Magazine
“This author had nothing MUCH BETTER to do THAN destroy the language of DICKENS, SHAKESPEARE, AUSTEN!”—Yammy Tork, Good Lit Guild

S. D. Smith has been called “America’s aft-most wordsmith” and is the award-losing author of more than ten books and less than thirty-seven books. He is half-man, half-rabbit, and half-mathematician. He lives in West Virginia with his wife and four children, because it would be kinda weird to live with some other family and super weird not to live in West Virginia.

Genres: Childrens, Middle Grade, Fiction, Humor, Fantasy, Audiobook, Short Stories

160 pages, Hardcover

Published November 27, 2023

About the author

S. D. Smith is the author of The Green Ember Series, a million+ selling adventure saga featuring heroic #RabbitsWithSwords. The Green Ember spent time as the number one bestselling audiobook in the world on Audible. He is also the author of the madcap Mooses with Bazookas: And Other Stories Children Should Never Read as well as the touching throwback adventure, The Found Boys. Finally, he has co-authored two fantasy adventure novels with his son (J. C. Smith), Jack Zulu and the Waylander’s Key and Jack Zulu and the Girl with Golden Wings. Smith’s stories are captivating readers across the globe who are hungry for “new stories with an old soul.”

Though packed with old school virtue and moral imagination, Smith doesn't merely create "safe" stories, but bold, daring, truthful tales of light that help shape children who become dangerous—dangerous to the darkness.

Smith is a founder and owner of Story Warren, a publishing, events, and IP development house based in rural West Virginia. Story Warren exists to serve families as “allies in imagination.” 

S. D. Smith lives in Gran

Reviews

[E.G. Runyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear whomsoever readeth this Goodreads review,
Welp, I'm sitting in my kitchen and I'm using my last battery life before my computer dies to write this review. Now I'm reconsidering using the word "Welp" at the beginning of this review. I have a delete/backspace button on this computer, but I'm too lazy to use it. Anyway, the name's E. G. Runyan. I'll soon be an author. But that's not the point. The point is this book that wasn't not good. I think I can sum up my thoughts about it in a few simperliflous words. Is simperliflous a word? I don't know. What does it mean if it is? I don't care, neither do you.

SD SMITH WRITES A not SWEET TALE THAT REMINDS US TO eat hotdogs and not LAUGH on Mondays.

I give it five point five and two third quarters stars. Could've used a little more Toilet Ditch of Shame, if you know what I mean. Wait. You don't know what I mean. That's why you're reading this review, stupid. Anyway, this book was Wonderfulish. I mean Wonderful. I mean, it will soon be Wonder. Are you Wondering what I mean? You shouldn't be. Go away.

Welp, that's all I have to say. If you are not looking for a book that is not boring and not-not funny, you haven't not come to the right book. Now I'm going to go eat a hotdog. If I can find a bun first. Drat that Binsley Bustbocket. I'm going to tell him--wait. It's Monday. I'll give him startling stares instead.
-E. G. Runyan

(PS. This book is a "loot" of fun.)

(PPS. This review was nautical sea code for, "Everyone should read this book so go get it before I stab you.")

SAFTEY PRECUATION: This book has been expired since February 33rd, 1977, 5:39 PM.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Welp, I didn't not like this book.

[Rhys-Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, I stayed up until midnight finishing this book, which tells you just how enjoyable I found this book. The stories were funny, and I loved reading the letters of Wally Warmbottom. The book titles, RainforestEmpire.com, and Barry the Moose were also hilarious. I would wholeheartedly recommend this to parents with children or anyone who wants a humorous, unrealistic read.

[Val Emhof · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ridiculous and hilarious. Stories you don’t want to stop reading just because you wonder what other crazy and weird thing can happen next.

The 12-year-old laughed out loud the whole time he read this book (who said pre-teens were hard to entertain?!); the 10-year-old has never read a book so fast. And the next thing I know, people are demanding I read this book for myself ! “Preposterous,” I said! This mom has more serious books to read!
Well. Never mind. They were right. This was exactly the light and ridiculous stories I needed to read.
The end.

Oh but… the local fan club is asking for deer with swords next.

[Allyson Jamison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cute, funny, and an absolute joy to read!! 😂 I wish I'd had this book when I was younger. Still, I enjoyed it even now and stayed up too late reading it. 😴😂

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would like to issue a complaint. Contrary to the allusions made in this book, I do NOT spend all my time thinking about essential oils. Sometimes I think about nonessential oils.

However, oils (both essential and nonessential) aside, this book really was the cat’s whiskers. Or perhaps I should say it was the moose’s bazooka?

[Maria ♡ · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars!!

[ChildOfGod💜🙌🏽 (for God I live and for God I die) ~ in my Christian pop era · Rating 5 out of 5]

August 2025 re-read:

I enjoyed it the second time through and picking up on all the nuggets and funny insertions…some I missed the first time! I listened to it via audiobook which I personally enjoyed more than reading it the first time. The audiobook has an extra interview with Walter which was nice! I didn’t enjoy the part where they talked about authors being taken by life though (in a more comical aspect I guess 🤷‍♀️) but still…anyways that’s it! Happy reading!


August 2025 first read:

“No chance,” J. D. stressed. “No parent would ever be so irresponsible as to buy their child a book with mooses and bazookas in the title.”

I got such a kick out of this!!! It made me feel young again. I laughed and cried of laughter the whole time I read it. It was so cute and funny and interesting. My favorite story is probably either about the hot dogs or the mousse story! Hilarious! I would recommend for younger kids tho advise a screening first (due to content concerns)…

[Brigitte Cromey · Rating 5 out of 5]

"What did you think of the book?"

[son still has his nose buried deep in the pages] "It's fun. But Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think it's very realistic. Moose don't walk on two legs."

(Generally, moose don't use bazookas either, but that's neither here nor there...)

Great for kids. Also great for the parents who want a good laugh! (Yes I read it too, over his shoulder. Call it parent-child bonding, call it a break from 'real life', call it what you will. I laughed a lot too.)

[Haley Annabelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pure fun in the style of Lemony Snicket. But without the super depressing-ness of Lemony Snicket.
If you like purposefully bad writing with big words and inside jokes, read this book.
Your kids should for sure read this book. My 11 year old brother gives this 5 stars.

[Captain Packrat · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the strangest and most hilarious books I think I've ever read about mooses or bazookas.

[Bella Raine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welp, the only thing that can said about this book is that it is a bookish book full of fun, humor, and humorous fun. Speaking of humor, have you prepared your home for the incoming bear attack? You should. You won't? I'm offended.

5/5 Stars

[Kalmar Shuffler · Rating 4 out of 5]

The back of the book claims that this is exactly like The Count of Monte Cristo except for the differences, and, as someone who has recently read Monte Cristo, I can confidently say that that is correct. 😌

This was a fun read to start the new year! 😄 The best part was the main story, Mooses with Bazookas. Barry's a wonderfully hilarious narrator, and a hero to all moosekind. 😌 I'd love to read more of his memoirs! (Especially the parts he doesn't want to include. 🤭)

[Elsa Altschuler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! It is SO hilarious. I actually laughed out loud many times.

[aundrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

welp, it seems i too have been stranded on a desert (not dessert) island (my bed) with no way of escaping (not wanting to stop reading), which is not a problemo for me, cuz at least i have decent entertainment am i right? i’ve thought of writing letters of my own, but i decided to stick with creating my book journal page for MOOSES with BAZOOKAS…

4 stars (i lost the fight for the fifth star. pro tip: don’t try to distract the monsters with peaches. they are NOT vegetarian).

[J Barracuda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me laugh so hard I coughed. My doctor once told me the coughing is the worst medicine, but I have a bit of a rebellious streak, so reading this book gave me quite a thrill. I enjoyed it immensely.

[Joey W · Rating 5 out of 5]

This. Book. Was. AMAZING! It was really really funny and a quick read. The grammar was so wrong that it was perfect. I highly recomend it to any kid in the world.

[Eliott · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mooses with Bazookas
Overall Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ (3/5) or 6.14/10 overall

Characters - 6

Atmosphere - 6

Writing - 7

Plot - 6

Intrigue - 7

Logic - 5

Enjoyment - 6

[Brettnay Brazzell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderfully weird. I really don't have words. So much nonsense, but we were all rolling with laughter, especially my husband and I as we understood the jokes a bit more than our kids. Whelp, I'll leave it at that!

[Elaine Talbott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Random audiobook I listened to today, it looked interesting and it was on Canon+. I think it would be an immensely fun book to read aloud to young boys.

[Aliya Gerow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Giggled and laughed so much my imaginary friends thought me crazy. Five stars.

[Abigail · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one!

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A collection of stories held together by a framing story that gets its own plot. Unrelentingly silly in a fun way that rolls around in its own jokes. I let car passengers be subjected to it because the short story format worked and they were mostly amused, including several laugh out loud moments in the title story which is definitely the best.

I thought it was nominated for the Cybils but apparently not? Humph.

[Crystan M.]

This was not for me. which fine since I'm not the target audience. The book contained a few stories, letters from a marooned author, and advertising. If you enjoy ridiculous on the verge of stupid comedies, then you should enjoy this book. I'm not saying the author doesn't have writing skill because there were some one liners that made me chuckle, and definitely some inventive storyline, but on the whole just not enjoyable to me.

[Jonathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Listening to Wally’s letters literally compressed time, turning 7 hours of being stuck in the snowy Sierras into maybe 3 or 4 hours. We aren’t sure where the time went, but it flew by faster than a blind bear in a tank. The book is intensely practical, imparting such wisdom as the importance of always pointing your bazooka away from you. Thanks!

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Welp, my 5th grade son thought the letters and the "Mooses With Bazookas" story (i.e. most of the book) was pretty funny and I enjoyed watching him enjoy it more than I enjoyed it, myself. 3-stars from me but more from him, who was more likely the intended audience.

Note: we listened to an audiobook, though that's not currently an edition I can select.

Another note: I found it strange that I came across this book in a Libby search for books by Sarah Clarkson. I was looking for her book on silence...and this was one of the results. (I thought maybe it had something to do with the Story Warren imprint but realized it is because there was a Joel Clarkson and a Sarah Mackenzie in the list of narrators). Ha!

[Mikayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Caught me at the perfect time when I just needed some zany humor and happy storys.
I think the letters were my favorite part of the book. Though the introduction and ad breaks were also amazing.
If you need a laugh, this is a good way to get it.

[Mariah Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

We listened to this while traveling today. It was absolutely ridiculous—but in the best of ways.

[Grace Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welp. You couldn’t say that I didn’t like this book.

Fun and easy — honestly, book-loving, nerdy adults/writers would probably like it better than kids!

[Karis Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly a book filled with "expert" advice, floating letters, hot dogs, Earthese, and above all...mooses with bazookas.