The Way of Belonging: Reimagining Who We Are and How We Relate

by Sarah E. Westfall

No one is a stranger to loneliness. Despite how social we are via text, chat, and notifications, we are far from being truly connected. We all want someone else to really see us and choose us for who we are. We want a place to finally fit in. But what if finding the right people or the right place is not the answer?

From her community-building background, Sarah E. Westfall takes our longing to belong as an invitation to embrace and extend the deep love of God. After years contemplating how she fit in and trying to earn acceptance, she realized "belonging is not something to attain, but someone to become." Through narrative, research, Scripture, and spiritual practice, she teaches how belonging is a way of being—a posture of welcome in the spirit of the Father who extends his arms to those returning and those who don't yet know they've resisted his love.

Whether you understand the perspective of the outsider in need of acceptance well or you're eager to include, the barriers to belonging can come down as Sarah gently guides us toward deep connection—a connection where our humanity draws us closer to people and envelops us in the heart of God. Embark with Sarah on this challenge that will awaken your empathy and affirm you with the truth of these "You are welcome."

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Faith, Christian Living, Theology

185 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 11, 2024

Reviews

[Will Norrid · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Way of Belonging was both an engaging blend of Westfall’s own experiences around belonging and community as well as a guide to becoming/entering into great paths/places of belonging in our own lives.

The book was not rushed, but neither did it wander. It was reflective and personal without being self-indulgent. Although our life experiences are different, Westfall fostered an emotional connection with me through sharing her own struggles to feel welcome and to be welcoming.

Definitely one to read slowly and with pen in hand. Thankful to have encountered this book in my own current season of opening up to deeper connections.

[Shelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5⭐️ Great book to think about connecting with others in deeper ways. So needed after the pandemic shifted the way we relate socially in so many ways.

[Darcy Schock · Rating 4 out of 5]

I often hear people say they don’t feel they belong. I have many times not felt like I belong. This book is a great book to dive into what belonging looks like and how to move toward it.

[Tasha Jun · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah's book is a generous balm and she is a needed voice in our lonely, longing world today. A must-read.

[Emily Wymore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah is a gifted storyteller who so beautifully articulates experiences we all have as part of being human. I’m grateful for the paths forward that she offers in cultivating belonging both within ourselves and with others in the world.

[Deb Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah E. Westfall has written an important book about community, connection and belonging. Instead of asking the questions I usually ask myself - questions like, Where do I fit in? How can I fit in? - the author encourages her readers to ask themselves, “How can I be a place of welcome?” I, too, need regular reminder that “my belonging is anchored in a God who not only crafted me out of the dirt but also sat down in it with me.” (page 33) I rarely read books twice, but I'm keeping The Way of Belonging on my reading table because I know I'll want to refer to this book often.

[Elena Limoges · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Way of belonging was a gift to read. I loved the kindness and invitation offered throughout the book. Westfall invites those longing for belonging to be a place of welcome for others. Also, the chapter on creating rather than consuming was an important reminder. I am so thankful for this book.

[Graydon Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much! Belonging, in this season of my life, is one of my most treasured desires. These words were a hospitable, sharpening, and enlivening guide toward belonging! I really felt seen by Westfall throughout this book.

[Sarah Butterfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has moved back and forth across countries and continents, I thought I had the corner on the market when it came to feeling out of place and disconnected. It wasn't until well into adulthood that I understood that longing to belong is common to us all.

Sarah has written a beautiful book from the depths and insights of her own lived experience. In part one, she explores who we are as God's beloved children, and in part two she guides us with gentle wisdom into how we relate with others.
At the end of the book, she has both a personal reflection guide as well as a group discussion guide, making this a perfect choice for small groups!

I underlined so much of this hopeful book, and found myself nodding along all the way through. For anyone who is longing to find real community, who is craving connection, who is ready to both see and feel seen, this is the book you need!

[Sheila · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book for our last book club which is comprised of (mostly) friends from church. We had a great discussion based on several questions from the group study guide but overall the book lacked for me. Everyone else really liked it. There were parts in the middle where I was asking, “What is she even saying?” And other parts that were too vague and flowery and not helpful enough. And yet other parts where I really identified with what was shared. Overall I’m glad we ended our 6-year book club with a book about belonging.

[Megan Ericson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah’s book of belonging is so beautifully written. It’s a must-read if you have been desiring community or feeling lonely and you’re not sure why. You’ll fall into her incredibly relatable tales of feeling other. (Fair Warning: Chapter 3 will destroy you.) While not a how-to, she gives you little exercises to explore more on your own at the ends of the chapters. I was sad the book was over and can’t wait to read more from this debut author!!

[Conrade Yap · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the paradoxes of relationships is that we can be together but still feel alone. Yearning for meaningful connections, many of us still struggle with maintaining relationships, let alone building them. Even families have problems with this. The Genesis story of how Adam and Eve hid from God after they sinned was a precursor to how we hide from one another today. Author Sarah Westfall admits that while we all desire deep relationships, we prefer to retreat to our shells of comfort. She describes this as "I belonged everywhere and nowhere all at once." Such conflicting push-pull experiences resemble a ubiquitous enigma in society. With this as impetus, Westfall embarks upon a journey to discover more about oneself before progressing toward how we relate to others. The author qualifies her work by maintaining that "belonging is not linear and cannot be prescribed." She gives us ten chapters on how we can relate to others. Hopefully, readers will find a relevant application in at least one or more. If we are honest, we will reject self-dependence in isolation and admit we need relationships with other people. Some ways to reimagine who we are and how we relate are:

- Getting to the source of our names; Naming our feelings;
- When people become vulnerable in their honest sharing;
- Learning to accept others who are different from us;
- Avoiding the superiority complex in us when relating to others;
- Personal stories of ups and downs;
- Humility in our doubts; Contentment amid uncertainly;
- Shared Curiosity with mysteries;
- Courage to move from the safety of shallowness to overcome fear of depth;
- Creating circles of vulnerability like the layers in Russian Matryoshka doll;
- Moving from Consumer to Creator;
- Practice Celebration;
- etc.

My Thoughts
==============
At first, this book seems like nothing special. We all need relationships. It is better to give than to receive. We need to grow beyond ourselves. Many of these common beliefs are often talked about in society. For all the familiar statements, there is a strangely unfamiliar domain that many are either too shy or too afraid to make: Take initiative to connect. This book does not exactly tell us anything new. The reason why it is still necessary is because of non-action. Too many people know what is needed but are afraid to go beyond their comfort zones. Westfall reminds us constantly about the many ways in which we can branch out of ourselves into flourishing relationships. If all is good, then this book might not be needed. Unfortunately, we all need our asses kicked from time to time. This book does that.

Secondly, this book brings to mind that life is often a paradox. In getting relationships, we need to learn how to give. Relationships thrive not in individual silos but in vulnerable connections. Belonging comprises both inward and outward movements. We need to take the initiative to reach out. One big paradox today is the technological phenomena. We now have more ways to connect but people still need help to connect meaningfully. We have more apps and cellphones but they do not guarantee better human connections. Sherry Turkle from MIT has observed how technology can seem to bring people together but not fill the vacuum of loneliness. She notes that underlying this problem is the tendency of people to "expect more from technology and less from each other." Other commentators on our modern way of living like Andy Crouch. He notes with horror how he spends hours scrolling through updates of strangers and matters beyond his control while spending relatively less time with people within his own circles of influence.

Finally, if there is anything unique about this book, it is the authors' vulnerability. It is not easy to open up and share one's life with the wider public. It takes courage and openness to all kinds of comments. She was not afraid to share her struggles with loneliness, moving out of her comfort shell, admitting she does not love meeting new people, feeling small amid her gloomy moments, her struggles as a new college student, messy emotions, recognizing our needs are not much different from panhandlers, etc.

Thank you Sarah Westfall for the gift of sharing.

Sarah E. Westfall is a writer, speaker, and host of the Human Together podcast. Her previous work includes serving as director of community for online writing groups and as a student development professional on college campuses. She has been published in RELEVANT, Fathom Mag, and (in)courage. Sarah lives in Indiana with her husband, Ben, and four sons.


Rating: 4 stars out of 5.

conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of InterVarsity Press via NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: How our longing to belong is an invitation to embrace and extend the deep love of God.

Have you ever been in a group and felt you had done all the right things to be a good member of the group and still felt you didn’t belong? Sarah Westfall was leading a conference with women at her church and Jolene asked her this question. She really didn’t have a good answer. She knew belonging cannot be manufactured. But what do we make of our longing for belonging? It was something with which she struggled.

Then she experienced a shift while reading Henri Nouwen. Instead of asking “what does it look like to belong?” Nouwen reframed the question. It became “How can I be a place of welcome?”, even as the Father welcomed his two lost sons in the parable of the prodigal. From struggling with acceptance, she learned she was of infinite and unique worth to God. Amid grieving the death of a newborn, she discovered a God who sees and finds us. God welcomes us and we belong. Period. And out of this, we can become a place of welcome for others.

The second part of the book explores how we live out of that shift in perspective. It is a shift from lack, of not being “enough” to the opening up of ourselves to God and others of longing. I thought this one of the most important insights in the book. When we are able to discern out of which stance, lack or longing, we are operating, and make the shift to the openness of longing, we take a crucial step. Then, the next step is to name our longing to God and others. Likewise, we move toward belonging when we shift from seeing others as “them” to recognizing them as “us.” And stories help that process as we move from judgment to empathy toward each other.

We may find ourselves removed from another when we maintain the illusion that we must be the “sage on the stage.” We welcome others to share our humanity when we can say “I don’t know” and share our questions. By this, we move from certainty to settled. When we allow others to share their uncertainties without judgment and with empathy, we move into deeper relationship. Depth also develops gradually and it is important to recognize the “circles of belonging” and how deep it is appropriate to go in each.

Finally, when we know we are welcome and live this truth with others, we are released from consuming to creating. We find ways to make and give rather than grasping. And we celebrate those in our lives and enjoy celebrations with them.

Westfall walks us through the way of belonging step by step, with brief “moving closer” exercises at the end of each chapter in the second part. She speaks as a thoughtful introvert who has been on this journey herself and is still living with the questions. Yet she also invites us into the wonder beyond us of a God who sees, who seeks us, who values us and welcomes us. And in the language found on the back cover, that welcome “changes everything.”

____________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

This reflective, personal book explores the theme of belonging, with each chapter addressing different topics about identity and community. Sarah E. Westfall writes in a vulnerable way about her struggles to feel like she belongs, and she shares stories from her past and present to illustrate her personal journey and share important life lessons. She also includes Bible verses throughout, exploring how we can understand loneliness and belonging in the context of the Christian faith.

The first part of the book focuses on who we are, and she explores themes about belonging and disconnection through the creation and fall narrative from Genesis, and through Jesus's parable about the prodigal son. She writes about how important it is to receive the belonging that God offers us, grounding ourselves in our identity in Him so that we can be at peace even in the midst of loneliness, and so that we can extend His welcome to others.

In the second part of the book, she explores different themes about how we relate to others, and she encourages her readers to focus on the goodness of their longing for community, rather than just focusing on what they lack. She also writes about the importance of naming your desires to better understand them, writes about moving beyond an "us versus them" mentality, and explores themes about connecting over personal stories, accepting uncertainty and risk, deepening relationships and managing different circles of closeness, embracing questions, pursuing a life of creativity, and practicing celebration. Each chapter concludes with a reflection exercise and suggestions of small ways to put these ideas into practice. There is also a guide at the end for reading groups.

This book is beautifully written, heartfelt, and honest. This is clearly a very personal book to the author, and her vulnerability can encourage other people who struggle with loneliness and insecurities in relationship. I ended up not connecting with this as much as I had hoped, however, and I can't fully put my finger on why. Maybe it's just because I've already thought so much about this topic myself, or perhaps it's because I wanted more practical ideas, or more detail in some of the stories. I'm not sure, but even though I didn't get as much out of this book as I had expected, I enjoyed it and found it thought-provoking, and others readers may find that it speaks more deeply to them.

I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Michelle Kidwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Way of Belonging
Reimagining Who We Are and How We Relate
by Sarah E. Westfall
Pub DateJun 11 2024
InterVarsity Press
Christian| Religion & Spirituality| Self-Help



Intervarsity Press and Netgalley have provided me with a copy of The Way of Belonging for review:


Sarah E Westfall reminds readers in The Way of Belonging that loneliness affects everyone. In spite of how social we are via text, chat, and notifications, we are far from being truly connected. We all want someone to see us for who we are and to choose us for that. It's time to find a place where we can finally feel at home. What if finding the right people or the right place isn't enough?


Sarah E. Westfall interprets our longing for belonging as an invitation to embrace and extend God's deep love. The realization that belonging is not something to attain, but something one becomes is what she realized after years of contemplating how she fits in and trying to earn acceptance. Through narrative, research, Scripture, and spiritual practice, she shows how belonging is a way of being-a posture of welcome in the spirit of the Father, who extends his arms to those returning and those who don't know they've resisted him.



The barriers to belonging can come down as Sarah gently guides us toward a deeper connection—a connection that draws us closer to others and enfolds us in the heart of God, regardless of whether you understand the perspective of the outsider in need of acceptance or if you're eager to include.Join Sarah on this challenge that awakens your empathy and affirms the truth of these words: "You are welcome."



I give The Way of Belonging five out of five stars!

Happy Reading!

[Joy Marker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read a lot of books, and in some books, I find myself skimming through the last few chapters because the book dragged on way beyond what was needed to get the message across.

This was NOT the case with this book.

In The Way of Belonging, I was still underlining sentences in The Guided Discussion because I literally read every single word to the end. This is a book you will read and re-read and sit with for a while.

Culture often tells us that we belong by fitting in, that sameness equals oneness, and that we must always agree to remain friends. But what if culture is sending us an incorrect or, at the very least, incomplete message?

In her book The Way of Belonging, Sarah E Westfall takes us on a beautiful journey of reimagining who we are and how we relate. She helps us to discover that “belonging is not something to attain, but someone to become.”

Instead of always searching for the right place or the right people, what might it look like for us to shift our perspective on belonging?

What if we could begin to see that our worth already comes from God and that we do not need to strive to find it?

Could we shift our posture from me to we and begin to ask? “How can I be a place of welcome?”

I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone because belonging is something we all long for, whether we admit it or not.

[Linda Hanstra · Rating 5 out of 5]

In The Way of Belonging, Sarah E. Westfall opens her heart to her readers. We get a glimpse not only of her struggles but also of our own, in our God-given longing to be in community with others. Sarah teaches us through a beautiful narrative style and well-placed quotes from the Bible, theologians, and other great thinkers, that our desire to belong comes from a longing God created in us, and not due to some lack society has made us feel.

Sarah walks the reader through how, when, and with whom we might "go deep" and become vulnerable. She explains what it means to live authentically and how that differs from transparency. She instructs us in the "circles of belonging" and what it means for our relationships, as well as how we can use creativity to draw others in.

There is so much truth in the pages of this book, that I found myself highlighting throughout. I'm sure I'll refer to it again, especially when I experience that longing to belong.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book, Sarah Westfall reminds us that we are accepted because we belong to God. No matter our fears or our loneliness, belonging to God and to each other is what we are meant to be in this world. She focuses on how it’s the welcome of God that lifts our loneliness and ends our isolation, sending us back into the world secure in our belonging and with our arms open to welcome others. Her words are encouraging and uplifting–the voice of a friend who stays with you, listening, understanding, and being with you–exactly what we all want and need.

If you are an Emily P. Freeman fan, this book is one that is definitely for you. Sarah’s voice is honest, kind, and comforting. Many times, I felt like I was listening to someone who knows me well, and could see into all the fears and insecurities I have tried to hide. I am not a big annotator, but I was underling sentences on almost every page. This book is beautiful, truthful, and much-needed.

[Amelia Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a delight to read. Sarah brought me in right away by acknowledging that the "easy" answers don't actually always address the heart longings. You can do all the right things and still not feel like you belong. And so instead she goes deeper and looks at the heart questions. She doesn't answer all of them, so it doesn't feel like an over-prescriptive book. There are sections at the end of some chapters which invite a new rhythm into our lives. The way she talks about God, He feels loving and true and faithful and not in the trite ways. She talks at length about the story of the prodigal son. The question she asked stopped me in my tracks: "Why talk so much about being like the sons when the real question is: Are you interested in being like the father?". I have a full three pages of quotes that I could list here, but I'll leave you with one more: When we reach the limits of our own capacity to love, community means trusting that someone else will be available to the person in need."

[Mhughessc · Rating 3 out of 5]

I requested this book because of its bold cover and the intriguing title, "The Way of Belonging: Reimagining Who We Are and How We Relate". The premise of this book by Sarah Westfall is that so many of us feel out of place despite being surrounded by people all the time. Westfall decided that instead of asking, "What does it look like to belong?", she should ask, "How can I be a place of welcome?" She goes on to assert that "belonging it not something to attain but someone to become. It is not about finding the right place or the right people but about embracing our worth as God's beloved and then extending the welcome."

This book contains Scripture, personal anecdotes, a liturgy, and even suggestions of what to do. This would be a very helpful book for anyone who is looking for a way to belong. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. All opinions are my own.

[Amy Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so good that I reread it straight after completing it the first time!

“Belonging is a welcome we carry with us, setting us free to be people who are held and who hold.” Westfall manages to turn the idea of belonging to a perspective of welcome, specifically the welcome of God. “Belonging is like coming home”, “Stepping into the Father’s welcome offers us a haven. We are safe. We belong to Him no matter the storm that rages outside or within us…” She asks the question “How can we be home to one another?” The many meanings of welcome include to greet, accept with pleasure, receive etc. So often belonging is connected more to not belonging or being on the outside. So much of this angle involves protection and self-protection with that nagging feeling of never being enough.

Westfall speaks of how we all long to be SAFE, SEEN, RESPECTED & ENJOYED. To respect and enjoy another and be respected and enjoyed in return has got to be the pinnacle of human connection. “Maybe this desire to belong is not some aimless pursuit, some flighty insecurity, but the truest truth about ourselves.” All these desires are indeed good and a wonderful part of God creating us as He did. He is in perfect community within the Godhead, we are all His beloved and we are called and drawn into Himself, and consequently to each other. “The Father is continually waving us to come farther up and further in. The welcome does not end at the door because within the Father’s love we are not only found but formed.” We are being loved into being; loved to life again; restored, healed and formed.

[Jenn Schultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah brilliantly and eloquently presents a perspective shift when it comes to belonging - from figuring out how to make yourself fit to becoming a person who creates belonging, inviting others in. From the very first few chapters, in which she describes that longing for community and knowing your place in it, it resonated so deeply with me. I really loved the structure in the second part of the book going back and forth between chapters presenting challenges of becoming a person of belonging, and then ones providing guidance through it. All in all - you will relate and find hope in Sarah's moving words.

[Jodie Pine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a treasure of a book, with a wealth of wisdom. We are all invited, just as we are, into Sarah's warm and welcoming conversation about our common search for belonging.

"Longing changes the narrative, showing us that the desire to belong is not a deficiency, but part of a God-given design."

"Longing in and if itself is a welcoming, and the holy end of wanting is with-ness. While eternal longing often leaves us with an ache here on earth, our fragility becomes the place where we are found."

Group discussion guide at the end as well as a Liturgy For When Belonging Feels Far Off.

[Amber Guitron-webb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book! Such a great perspective on our human desire to be seen and known. When we don’t seem to fit in, we begin to question our purpose and slowly start to pull away into isolation which is definitely not how we were designed to operate.

If you are struggling with with your own sense of belonging or you desire to make others feel seen and known, I encourage you to read this book.

Sarah Westfall paints such vivid pictures with her words. So many great takeaways and quotes to think upon as you read.

[Nikki Dukes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book on belonging and the welcome of God felt like a well-crafted dessert. It was enjoyable and readable, making me want to keep going; yet also, thought provoking and full of beautiful writing that made me want to slow down, ponder more fully, and savor each section. Great balance of personal narrative, practical application of living out "belonging," and expression of what many of us experience in our thought-life and in our emotions.

[Kathleen S. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a wonderful, profound book. It is really thought-provoking and definitely one I will come back to and process over time. It put words to inner stirrings I’ve had about faith and belonging and I found it very relatable.
I very much appreciated the personal stories Sarah shared, as well as the Bible stories and verses she wove into the chapters. I think this would make a great group read, for a book club or in a more in-depth, ongoing format.

[Tina Mullener · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every single person seeks belonging. The hunger to be one of a larger community drives us to or away from The Holy. How much beauty and pain comes from this need.

I enjoyed this book. It is a creative approach to seeing our need and drive to belong. This is not a book of quick answers, but a story of finding the right questions to ask ourselves.

I am grateful to the publisher and NetGalley for allowing me to read this book.
#TheWayofBelonging #NetGalley

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, so good! I devoured this book, underlining and starring all along the pages. Belonging is complicated, and Westfall’s words acknowledge that throughout the book. But she also makes it seem less complicated, like she was able to untangle the vines and provide a clearer path towards community and wholeness. Every chapter is a beautiful reminder of who God created us to be and how we can share that with others.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah is so real, and her writing voice is both elegant and deeply intimate without the affected "girlfriend" pandering too common among Christian books for women. Her wisdom is slow, gentle, quiet and patiently earned through suffering and hope, and all the more profound for being so. Yes, this us a book about belonging, but it's about so much more. Her writing is a slow burn, meant for savoring. The profundity sneaks up and surprises you.

[Jenai Auman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah Westfall uses tender words to encourage readers to build a welcoming world. She plumbs the wisdom of a life well-lived to reveal a more hospitable path forward. Her words mend what a hardened world has tried to break within us. In The Way of Belonging, Sarah mirrors the way of Jesus: she builds a longer table and invites you to take a seat so you can break bread with one another.