To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation

by Frank G. Anderson

Trauma blocks love. Love heals trauma.

Frank was just six years old when he learned there was something wrong with him. Seriously wrong. But no one told him what it was. Instead, between attending weekly therapy sessions, navigating the passion and violence of his home life, and reading between the lines of dark family secrets, he was left to figure out for himself what the world expected him to be.

Despite an unstable childhood, his remarkable intelligence, caring nature, and desperation for love and acceptance carried him from the top of his high school class to the elite residency program at Harvard University, where he ultimately became one of the world's leading experts in the treatment of trauma. Along the way, his encounters with those suffering from abuse, addiction, and mental illness inspired a sense of purpose... and an earth-shattering awakening of his authentic self.

Ignited by this newfound identity, Frank embarked on a profound--sometimes painful--and redemptive journey that brought the love and acceptance he always longed for.

***

In To Be Loved, renowned trauma expert Dr. Frank G. Anderson shares the complicated experience of growing up gay in an Italian-American home that was at once fiercely loving and culturally close-knit while at the same time unaccepting, abusive, and rife with secret shame. With compassion, humor, and disarming honesty, Frank invites the reader into his formative experiences: coming out amid the LGBTQ+ carnival atmosphere of 1990s Provincetown, finding love and forming a family within the staid Boston suburbs, and coming home to confront his family's legacy of abuse. By forging paths for forgiveness, he found that his truth and tenacious spirit were stronger than his trauma.

Genres: Memoir, Psychology, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Mental Health, Health, Self Help

300 pages, Hardcover

Published May 7, 2024

Reviews

[Lucy Vieira · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a trauma survivor I really enjoyed this book. It was relatively painful at times by how relatable and real it felt, specially being a child of immigrant parents, which I loved. I loved that he was able to share his story and still make it relatable, funny, and hit so many feels. It was very digestible, and it brought a lot of queer joy.

[Sky ◡̈ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was brilliant!

[Jodell · Rating 4 out of 5]

From the day we arrive on the planet and blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done
Some say eat or be eaten, some say live and let live, but all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give in the circle of life

It's the wheel of fortune It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope till we find our place on the path unwinding
In the circle of life some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars and some of us sail through our troubles
and some have to live with the scars There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found but the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round in the circle of life
Elton John

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was helpful for helping normalize that one of the world’s leading trauma experts still experiences struggles, makes mistakes and is still learning different ways to heal from trauma. I appreciated reading Frank’s story and resonated with parts of his story. Worth a read, especially since I have studied his courses and IFS work.

[Vasiliki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to netgalley for my ARC! I’m so happy I read this book. Frank’s resilience was inspiring. I’d give it more than 5 stars if I could!

[Lexie Kattelman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have loved Frank’s other books and trainings that he has given on IFS. It was special to learn more about his life and how “trauma blocks love, love heals trauma.”

[Kassidy Veness · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this memoir. I’ve done a few Internal Family Systems trainings with Frank so I loved the insight into his personal and professional life. Each chapter had a song associated with it and at the end of the book there was a “playlist of Frank’s life” which was a cool addition!

[Vampfiction · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book. Well written and very honest journey through healing.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was recommended by my therapist. It was a good read/listen as it is read by the author.
I will likely listen to it again.

[Hannah McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely LOVED this memoir! I adore Dr. Frank Anderson’s teachings and hearing his life’s story makes it even more impactful.

[Dezerae Daniels · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspiring!

[Kyleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest. Authentic. Beautiful. A gift to us all who are trying to hold the complexities of the people who hurt us. 🩵

[Mikaela Trzesniowski Ladd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know, as a trauma therapist, how many “wounded healers” are on our field (myself included). Reading Frank’s story did exactly what he said he set out to do - gave me hope for my own healing and the healing of others. Beautifully vulnerable with lessons on every page.

[Jess C · Rating 2 out of 5]

I unfortunately wasn’t a fan of this book. I picked it up at the local library without any prior knowledge of the author, and I was hoping to learn a valuable perspective. But the entire read, I kept finding myself wondering why it was written. It seemed like this memoir was meant to sell the author’s psych practice, rather than help the reader.

Here is a doctor who excelled in school, whose parents had enough money to buy him intensive therapy, exotic animals, and tennis lessons, who is, by his own proclamation, intelligent, kind, and compassionate, and walks into a favorable career at a young age. Does childhood trauma have an economic class requirement? Of course not. But it’s hard to empathize with a kid that has a million resources at his fingertips.

Moreover, the author’s description of his father’s abuse is lacking. It sounds like he had a normal father for anybody that grew up in the upper middle class in the 70s-80s. I’m not saying that his father didn’t have his problems or that he didn’t affect his son negatively, but this is a story about corporal punishment that, by a state law description, would not be identified as abuse.

I suppose what this boils down to is that I didn’t find this perspective to be engaging, but he seems like a nice guy. I guess I just didn’t get it.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Frank Anderson is a highly engaging teacher, therapist and storyteller. In this case he teaches brilliantly by leading us through the story of his life, allowing the reader to witness both the painful and joyful aspects of his childhood, young adulthood, adulthood, and middle age, including the agony of being molded into a child that he wasn’t, trying desperately to understand how and where he fit in, living the life expected of him, to gradually getting to know and trust who he really is, breaking away from and shedding what didn’t feel right, coming back to and healing family wounds from his childhood while continuing to grow and emerge as the thoughtful son, father, husband, teacher and healer that he is. Many, if not all of us are on this path of self discovery, and to know what is possible, when we turn our attention toward the young parts of ourselves that hold the keys, is greatly inspiring and heart warming.
Thanks to Pesi for encouraging him, and many thanks to Dr. Frank Anderson for writing this beautiful book!

[Shaindy Banda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hmmmm. I read this book. Took me close to a week to finish. Mind you, I was literally unemployed and bored but still didn’t read it during the day and only read at night before bed. So, clearly it wasn’t that riveting or enticing. I liked the personal stories because I find it easier to digest and actually understand a concept when it’s applied in real life with concrete examples. The author wasn’t so relatable as a person: at a certain point he was going to therapy 5x a week! Who does that? I also wasn’t so into it because he wasn’t giving much tips or ideas of how to heal from trauma, he was more saying, “so I was still resentful” and “oh, now I’m not resentful anymore because my dad is dying”. I guess, it makes sense because it’s a memoir and he has other books talking about trauma, PTSD, and how to heal from it. It wasn’t bad. I enjoyed some parts.

[Richard Derus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rating: 3.75* of five

The Publisher Says: Trauma blocks love. Love heals trauma.

Frank was just six years old when he learned there was something wrong with him. Seriously wrong. But no one told him what it was. Instead, between attending weekly therapy sessions, navigating the passion and violence of his home life, and reading between the lines of dark family secrets, he was left to figure out for himself what the world expected him to be.

Despite an unstable childhood, his remarkable intelligence, caring nature, and desperation for love and acceptance carried him from the top of his high school class to the elite residency program at Harvard University, where he ultimately became one of the world's leading experts in the treatment of trauma. Along the way, his encounters with those suffering from abuse, addiction, and mental illness inspired a sense of purpose...and an earth-shattering awakening of his authentic self.

Ignited by this newfound identity, Frank embarked on a profound—sometimes painful—and redemptive journey that brought the love and acceptance he always longed for.

***
In To Be Loved, renowned trauma expert Dr. Frank G. Anderson shares the complicated experience of growing up gay in an Italian-American home that was at once fiercely loving and culturally close-knit while at the same time unaccepting, abusive, and rife with secret shame. With compassion, humor, and disarming honesty, Frank invites the reader into his formative experiences: coming out amid the LGBTQ+ carnival atmosphere of 1990s Provincetown, finding love and forming a family within the staid Boston suburbs, and coming home to confront his family's legacy of abuse. By forging paths for forgiveness, he found that his truth and tenacious spirit were stronger than his trauma.

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.

My Review: My rating reflects what I found to be an off-putting digressive style, one I felt was better suited to fiction than self-help via memoir. My Pearl-Ruling the book reflects how well the author, not much younger than I am, was at evoking the awful experience of being Othered by those you rely on for your existence, for your idea of Self.

Too much for me amid the Satanic Evil takeover of so much of the world by fascist scum.

Bridge City Books does not want you to buy a Kindlebook, at $22-ish. A hardcover is the same price.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

Frank Anderson, passionate and compassionate trauma healer, reflects on the life that helped form him, turning him into the kind, confident and compassionate person we see today, and what a journey it's been. His story-telling ability, honed by his Italian family over dinners and parties, shares all manner of moments, some benign and entertaining, and many life-changing. Frank's writing evokes these memories expertly, stories interjected with snippets of dialogue that put you right in the moment of the scene.

His journey, not always as expected, covers the madcap antics of his family, his first relationships, the med-school experience, the surrogacy journey, the joys and struggles of parenting, coming out of a life defined by trauma, and finally forgiveness. So many of his experiences are awful, but he makes sense of them in a way that you too can make sense and helps us to see these things differently. As Frank learns, processes and grows, the wisdom and warmth come through. And don't despair, there is plenty of love and joy in there as well, we'd expect nothing less!

Hearing the voice of a gay man who has overcome childhood trauma and its impacts through life gives hope to all who can identify with him, who can hope too to find love, acceptance and belonging in life, shows it is all possible. A wonderful read, thank you to Frank for opening up his story to us.

Thank you NetGalley and PESI Publishing for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.

[Matthew Boak · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really, really enjoyed reading this book, and is one of the better books I've read in a while. Anderson was honest, both about his upbringing and his life, but also about himself and all the emotions that he felt, good and bad, throughout all of his experiences. He shows the full range of human emotion and really hits on the fact that we need to give ourselves grace when we are processing big feelings, especially trauma, and that it's a long journey that is full of successes and failures. Anderson had parents, especially a father, that treated him poorly and made him feel devalued and unloved, starting at a very young age, which followed Anderson throughout his entire life, up to his father's death. While his father might have had a traumatic childhood of his own, that was no excuse for the behavior he exhibited towards his son. The phrase 'hurt people hurt people' is so true, and that is shown from this story. One quote really hit me and will stay with me from this book: "Kids take responsibility for what parents don't acknowledge or take ownership of, 100% of the time" (p. 235).

If I learned anything from this book, it's that we need to make sure we love and support kids unconditionally, take ownership for our actions and what happens in our lives, and let them know that we are there for them and that together there is no situation too big to talk through or handle.

Amazing book!

[Jae Steele · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came across this book as a psychotherapist interested in Frank’s work with IFS and trauma. I read a lot of memoirs, and I thought that this one skilfully captured a lot of history and meaning.
I don’t agree with the reviewers who are fellow trauma survivors and did not think that this book had any lessons to offer, but — and I say this with no condescension — perhaps that is the difference between everyday people who have experienced chronic childhood trauma, and those have CPTSD who went into psychology to work with others and their stories as part of their healing path.
However, I do agree with other reviewers who have commented that while Frank has many skills narrating audiobooks may not be his strongest. I understand the desire to narrate your own memoir, though, and I particularly enjoyed the moment where he finally added some character to his voice when speaking about the way his son perceives his mother.

Reflecting on the entirety of the book, I would say that I might’ve appreciated even more IFS integration, but I also respect Frank’s desire to tell the story as it was meaningful for him. As someone who has also had a long-term estrangement from their father and is a parent themselves, I found his reflections on parenting particularly meaningful.

[Kim Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is something so humbling about being given access to a person’s memoir. @frank_andersonmd has shared his story with all of its complexities, never shying away from the truth. I would expect no less. This book offers hope that healing is possible while also leaning into the reality that it is not easy and certainly a non-linear journey. The privilege of being allowed to witness and learn about Frank and all of his parts is one I will not forget. This book is for anyone who works with trauma, has experienced trauma, or has loved someone who has experienced trauma. Know that this books will likely challenge you to be with your own experiences, but you can trust that the author, who is a renowned expert in the field, will not leave you lost in the overwhelm but will give you permission to wander and wonder about the possibilities of healing and forgiveness. #lovehealstrauma

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was introduced to Frank Anderson through an IFS training. He is one of my favorite teachers and I've had a lot of them. When I heard about his biography, I was excited to read it. I didn't realize how close in age we are. His strength is his ability to communicate in a way that makes what he shares so accessible and through the pages I grew closer to him. I could barely put his book down. I identify with so many insights and how the journey of trauma recovery is ongoing. He expressed the questions I often have about healing and his love for the therapy world. I am grateful for his willingness to be so open about his own experiences and reminding me of how lucky I was to be able to spend the last years with my Dad healing. I will add this book to recommended reading as there is something wonderful when a healer shares their own story of healing.

[Sarah]

I listened to the audiobook version. Dr. Frank G. Anderson’s voice is soothing and kind and easy to listen to. This book is everything I had hoped it would be. I will warn you like the title suggests, it is about trauma. If you’re not ready for it - take your time reading it and don’t over do it.

This was heavy and relatable to a T. I bawled like a baby from chapter 14 to the end. It hit the difficult spots if ykwim. If you haven’t experienced trauma in your life, this book will be eye and heart opening. If you have, you’re resilient and reading or listening to this book is helpful.

Thank you, Dr. Anderson for accepting the challenge and writing your own memoir. I’m so grateful that you wrote it. ❤️

[Karen Nevalsky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir describes the healing journey of Dr. Frank Anderson, psychiatrist and trauma specialist. It is written from a place of love, compassion and courage. Readers from diverse backgrounds will be able to relate to Frank's story, due to the authentic and empathic way in which he shares his life experience. Frank shares memories and insights beginning when he is a vulnerable child as to the effects of trauma. As his story continues, we see the emergence of Frank's true self in relation to his healing journey. I would definitely recommend this book to others as I believe Frank's story offers hope that healing from trauma is possible.

[August Acuna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t think I’d love this book so much but it really is a captivating story. I couldn’t put the book down and it turned out to be the quickest I’ve ever read a book, I think ever. I think everyone should read it at least once. It’s full of many raw emotions, growth, and what it truly means to heal your trauma. I loved that Frank Anderson didn’t sugar coat the difficult times in his life. He was real and relatable. We all have something to heal from and I agree with him that forgiveness is a huge part of healing trauma. I’ll probably read it again when I need a reminder of the beautify in chaos. 10/10 highly recommend. Go get a copy now!

[Ladory · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw Dr. Frank Anderson interviewed by Lewis Howes of The School of Greatness. It was a very good discussion on YouTube. So I bought this book hoping I'd learn more about transforming trauma. I'm a novice with no background in psychology, though I do a lot of reading and watching this kind of discussion. I think most of us have been traumatized as children, one way or another.

Though this book was an enjoyable read and it held my interest, I did not learn anything about trauma. It's truly an autobiography, and the subtitle is "A Memoir." This book shows Dr. Anderson's vulnerable journey of healing so that others may have hope, perhaps.

[Kirsten Maher · Rating 5 out of 5]

The power of story is to heal and to sustain and if we are brave enough to tell our own story, we realize we're not alone, again and again. When we dare to share our most unvarnished stories of vulnerability we learn we are more alike than different.

Frank’s story and journey are different than mine, his words however reminded me that we all have the power within ourselves to heal. To say that I'm healed, would be to imply that there's an endpoint. And I think healing is something that we all do, that we'll all continually do, for the rest of our lives.

[Debbie De Salvo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the first half of this memoir.
Very relatable.
However, I wish Dr. Anderson, the author, therapists and people with good intentions would stop telling those of us that have come from horrifically abusive families or relationships to forgive those abusive people.
For me, forgiving them only continues to give them power. And I need boundaries. Instead, offer forgiveness as an option. But telling those of us that experienced unspeakable abuse that we somehow need to forgive the abuser(s) as the only means to live a better life is hurtful, offensive, & not true.

[Roberta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Listened to audiobook, read by author. That was the first issue; the author was not the best person to narrate this book. Second issue was personal. This book was triggering to anyone with a history of abuse. That potential was clear in the book’s description, and spelled out specifically on the book’s cover. Still, it was hard. I listened to the book twice, as I could tell I wasn’t retaining the content…only the emotion. I can’t say whether my dissatisfaction with the book was due to the narrator, or the content. In one of my book clubs we say “not my book” and let it go.

[Ricky · Rating 3 out of 5]

Engaging memoir from Frank Anderson who is a prominent psychiatrist in the field of trauma and Internal Family Systems. It's a funny book at times because the dialogue in the book all sounds like the people are from Leave it to Beaver. I don't know if I can explain it exactly, but there's a quaintness that runs through this book. And that quaintness is really intensified in the audiobook because after all of the years he has spent living in Massachusetts, he still has a deeply suburban Chicago accent.