You're Embarrassing Yourself: Stories of Love, Lust, and Movies

by Desiree Akhavan

Writer, actor, and director Desiree Akhavan shares the stories she was told to shut up about—hilarious, horny, heartbreaking tales of a life in pursuit of art, love, and the metabolism of Kate Moss circa 1995.

There was a time before shame. A time of POGS, Tamagotchis and the Macarena. When birthday party invites were a given, books came with charm necklaces, and whoever was in your class was automatically a friend. Then puberty hit and everything went weird. When it comes to shame, Desiree Akhavan knows what she’s talking about—whether it’s winning the title of The Ugliest Girl at her high school, acquiescing to the nose job she was lovingly forced into by her Iranian parents, or losing her virginity to a cokehead she met in a support group for cutters. 

In You're Embarrassing Yourself, Desiree goes to the rawest places—the lifelong struggle to be at peace in one’s body, the search for home as the child of immigrants, the anxious underbelly of artistic ambition—in pursuit of wisdom, catharsis, and lolz. Equal parts funny and heartfelt, these seventeen essays chart an artist’s journey from outcast to overnight indie darling, to (somewhat) self-aware adult woman. The result is a collection that captures the pathetic lows and euphoric highs of our youth—and how to survive them.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Essays, Audiobook, Queer, LGBT, Biography Memoir

208 pages, Paperback

First published August 13, 2024

Reviews

[Paige Pierce · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5

This book may become my new bible. What is it to feel like you’re failing at love, at art, at friendship, at family, at being Cool and Thin and Elusive ™️ but funny and smart all at once? Akhavan has lived it, and recounts it all with witty, self-deprecating, and tender hindsight. One of the most honest and remarkable memoirs I’ve read in my short and bookish life (it also reminded me that, contrary to my own anxiety, I have had a very short and bookish life in the grand scheme of all that I will experience).

P.S thank you Penguin Random House for the ARC you have reached its intended audience <3

[Tell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Appropriate Behavior and Desiree's appearance on Girls , and knew I had a similar artistic sensibility. The essays about her family, moving to London, being in Hollywood, and being single were excellent. A bit of a ramp up to get to the meat of her career, but ultimately sharp, funny writing about making it and learning to love yourself.

[Alyssa Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this memoir has changed me for the better :’)

[Libby-Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Desiree Akhavan and can't wait to watch/ read/ listen to more of her work 🫶🫶

[KT DV · Rating 3 out of 5]

Though appropriate behavior (2014) had some transphobic punchlines, I imagined akhavan would’ve grown into a queer politic of supporting and protecting trans people in the next ten years. But not even 15 pages deep, among other self-deprecating paragraphs about struggling with poor body image, she publishes a screenshot of a message board with users speculating if she is trans. She says “being mistaken for trans wasn’t the insult; it was the masculinity they pinpointed.” The implication here is that trans women are masculine, which is a transphobic bit to print. I am not trans, but reading this made my heart sink and turned me off the rest of the book. Can we… not? It would have been so easy to have not published this screenshot or have set up the narrative with ~it’s traumatizing to be not feminine enough the way trans women are not feminine enough. ~ she could have easily just discussed being called masculine without needing to bring transmisogyny in to highlight her own vulnerability as a cis woman.

[Briana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Random House for the ARC of You're Embarrassing Yourself by Desiree Akhavan in exchange for an honest review. This memoir consists of funny and highly relatable stories that further validate my belief that we might never figure out what our purpose is in life and that's fine. I've been a fan of Desiree Akhavan for a while so I am excited to pick up a copy of this memoir. As a creative writer and aspiring filmmaker, I can relate to having ideas crushed by the obsession with making money. Being in that space between wanting to be creative and not wanting to be homeless is a tough spot. I felt seen in many of these stories but most importantly, I appreciate Desiree Akhavan's honesty and takes on life. It's painful but funny—a little nihilist but also hopeful. It's not the most organized but it's relatively easy to follow! It's more like a 3.5 for me!

[Rae | The Finer Things Club CA · Rating 4 out of 5]

Writer, director, and actress Desiree Akhavan’s 𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘌𝘮𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧: 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘓𝘶𝘴𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘴 is a collection of memoiric essays that recount the uncomfortable or humiliating moments that helped define her. As the creative, extroverted, bisexual, and American daughter of Iranian immigrants, she has struggled to find acceptance and a sense of belonging for much of her life and has a wealth of anecdotes to share regarding her awkward coming of age. The book explores a variety of topics, including body image, mental health, queerness, female friendship, family relationships, cultural identity, and the highs and lows of filmmaking. Sometimes funny, sometimes raw, and sometimes both, the stories are entertaining while also exuding emotion and authenticity. A very amusing and interesting read I would recommend to lovers of memoirs and biographies. Thank you to Random House for an advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Meens · Rating 3 out of 5]

read this and now feel like i would still feel depressed even if i was a sundance darling

[Darcy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really really wish this was a memoir just about film, because those experiences and observations were actually interesting. The rest of it reads like a conversation you end up having with that stranger at a party when they can’t get the hint that you’ve completely zoned out. So many long samey samey monologues, especially the last 30 pages, and a bizarre structure. Also, Akhavan really put me off with the way she talks about women, which is to put the entire female population into a certain clique, or describe them as horrendously unlikeable anytime it’s someone she isn’t in absolute love with, which by the way, is so often and none of her relationships are interesting enough to be writing about. The conversational style just left me knowing I probably would not be besties with Akhavan if I met her which just made me irritated by the whole thing.

[shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a New York City private school alum she had me at “Renee Fleming famous” and kept me there. (Also I love both the miseducation of Cameron post and appropriate behavior because I am ALSO a park slope resident and the co-op stuff alone omg. And my kid just finished a week of film camp. Feel so seen as I am also insufferable)

[JXR · Rating 4 out of 5]

well written memoir thats put togethre fantastically. also the cover is great. thanks so much for the arc. would recommend

[Leesifer Frances · Rating 4 out of 5]

So good!

[Julie Pece · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been seen.
"She knows me, and she doesn't want to know anymore"
"Tell the stories they told you to shut up about, the shit that keeps you up at night, and do it on your own terms"

[Sumairaa Kazi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found solace in reading this - made me both laugh and cry

[Madisen Gummer · Rating 4 out of 5]

killer audiobook!!!

“having the audacity to love another woman changed everything. it connected me to my own instincts, and it gave me courage to cut free from all the outside voices in my head.”

the chapter “a coke head i met in support group for cutters” is eerily familiar to my first lover and break up in college, so im glad to this book exists

[Ella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Devourable

[Sammie Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

funny, relatable, well-written. i cringed at some of her memories that hit really close to home for me.

[Chloe Becker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I preordered this book awaiting its arrival knowing I’d love it. And I was right - I read this book in a day - it made me laugh out loud at times. The chapter “The Love of My Life” made me cry and that says a lot because I’m on Prozac.

[Anna Shields · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this, it was a quick, easy, fun read, and was very relatable. I want to go watch her films now.

I received a free uncorrected advanced reader copy through goodreads giveaways.

[cara &#x1f380;&#x1f90d; · Rating 3 out of 5]

more of a 3.5! felt like this structurally was a little off ? was an interesting read and akhavan had a humorous tone to her writing. just felt as though sometimes tangents went on for a little too long that i realised i’d lost interest! if you’re interested in being a female filmmaker or are exploring your queer identity, i think this book could resonate in a lot of ways🫶🫶

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

"You're Embarrassing Yourself: Stories of Love, Lust and Movies" has a little something for everyone: millennials, movie lovers, the LGBTGIA+ community and children of immigrant parents. Almost anyone can relate to Desiree Akhavan and feel a whisper of '90s nostalgia, the aches and pains of relationships and family squabbles and the overall humor of growing up and finding one's way into adulthood. 


**Thank you NetGalley for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.**

[Katelynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I just finished listening to the audiobook of You’re Embarrassing Yourself and, unfortunately, I didn’t connect with it the way I hoped to. The memoir is a collection of essays exploring Desiree Akhavan’s life as a queer Iranian American woman navigating everything from teenage insecurity to adult identity crises. While I believe it was meant to be empowering and honest in its messiness, it never quite landed for me.

The tone throughout felt emotionally flat. The stories—many of which centered on pivotal, personal moments—were told almost at a distance. They lacked the depth or vulnerability that usually draws me into memoirs. There were glimpses of potential, but most of the reflections felt like surface-level summaries of events that should’ve carried much more emotional weight.

The overarching theme seemed to be about growing into oneself, embracing awkwardness, and accepting imperfection. But instead of feeling inspired, I mostly felt disconnected. The humor, which others might find dry or self-deprecating in a relatable way, didn’t resonate much for me either.

I finished the book mainly because the audiobook is short (just under 6 hours), but it’s not one I’d recommend to friends. If you’re drawn to memoirs that deliver strong emotional storytelling or rich introspection, this one might fall short.

[Sara Shumway · Rating 2 out of 5]

this was... fine, but it felt quite flat? emotionless? and unorganized? i wish it would have been more in chronological order with her personal life and film making life more intertwined, instead of set up like segmented stories.

i am not familiar with the author or any of her other work, so maybe knowing more about her beforehand would have made the it feel more exciting to me.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you like Mindy Kaling's books/stories about people who run in privileged circles but are by no means the popular or pretty girls in their school, then this book is for you. I feel like I've read too many of these types of essay collections in the recent years, and it's not really adding anything new to the equation. You see the same formulas (person hung out more with the adults at children's gatherings, person had growth spurt early and stood out from group, person claims they had trouble losing their virginity but still had plenty of hookups before they graduated from college, etc), but nothing really helped it stand out for me (I barely laughed, cringed, or laugh cringed). I opted not to finish the book. I received an arc through NetGalley.

[Vicky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started on the first episode of The Bisexual this year, which got me to look up more about Desiree Akhavan. I found out she wrote a collection of these personal essays based on embarrassing moments, like the ol' Seventeen magazine column, "trauma-rama."

There were so many references I was able to relate to, as someone born a few years after D.A. There were also a lot of similarities in this book to Abbi Jacobson's I Might Regret This. I enjoyed listening to her narration. I need to rewatch Appropriate Behavior.

I'm already starting to make my own list of my most embarrassing, life-defining, moments that I can maybe face now and write about.

😳

Should I Make a Human or a Movie? / 05:07:49
Thu, Feb 27 | 3:32:32 PM
lol! Using the hitachi magic wand for its intended purpose of massaging the neck

You Win Sundance / 04:25:07
Thu, Feb 27 | 1:30:35 PM
Mental accounting. Justifying expenses as “investments”

Homesick / 03:34:41
Thu, Feb 27 | 8:42:54 AM
I had access to A LOT of tv too, all these same shows

My First Movie / 02:46:09
Wed, Feb 26 | 9:30:04 PM
I can see this tension of how it’s really hard to act and direct at the same time. Opposite kinds of jobs.

My First Movie / 02:43:02
Wed, Feb 26 | 9:26:32 PM
Director, similar skills and responsibilities as manager/leader. People reading.

My First Movie / 02:40:10
Wed, Feb 26 | 9:23:15 PM
There is no plan B (what Abbi Jacobson also said)

"Being the Homophobia" / 02:21:47
Wed, Feb 26 | 7:05:38 PM
lol same as my mom: hoping the child will make sacrifices for the parents vs acting ungrateful

Going Downtown / 02:10:01
Wed, Feb 26 | 6:53:23 PM
😂 insistence on calling it “downtown” and delivery of this

Would Wong Kar Wai Approve That Frame? / 01:58:11
Wed, Feb 26 | 7:13:53 AM
Her mom 🥺

Cecilia / 01:15:35
Tue, Feb 25 | 9:35:14 PM
lol I also grew up on the tgif lineup of shows

On the Nose (Job) / 00:55:36
Tue, Feb 25 | 9:04:27 PM
Blasting Mirah 🥺 if we sleep together would it make it any better. God.

On the Nose (Job) / 00:53:16
Tue, Feb 25 | 9:01:47 PM
Cat Power, soundtrack to grief 😞

A Cokehead I Met in a Support Group for Cutters / 00:48:06
Tue, Feb 25 | 8:56:19 PM
🥹 the giant pikachu doll she slept with, awww

A Cokehead I Met in a Support Group for Cutters / 00:41:48
Tue, Feb 25 | 8:49:46 PM
LOL suggesting to wait in Nisha’s dorm room until she got back from her plans with her friend

The Beast / 00:11:13
Tue, Feb 25 | 8:18:44 PM
“Hot or not”….bringing back livejournal community resentment. Teens voting.

Introduction or How Did I Get Like This? / 00:08:19
Tue, Feb 25 | 8:15:25 PM
I remember the trauma-Rama section of 17 magazine too!! It was my favorite to read

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title is perfect and enticing. So I was all in immediately when I heard about its release. It grabs the reader instantly.

I am a fan of writer-director Desiree Akhavan and her films (APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, THE MISEDUCATION OF CAMERON POST) In addition to being a talented writer and director. She is truly a great writer These personal essays are insightful and hilarious. It’s brave and owning up to her own truth with style. Singles she can add author to her list of accomplishments.

Though not billed as one. This book feels like a self help book of it’s own teaching loce lessons while she shares her life experiences thoughts and fears. Which are shocking as she already seems so accomplished and confident to find out her inner thoughts that are so hard on herself.

Reading this the chapters are like various scenes played out and like a grounded fairy tale at the end each has a point and a life lesson. Though so vi I’d and comedic throughout.

I can definitely identify with her Tones and stories even if not exactly I have had quite a few of my own the major difference is she has learned lessons to help her and others.

Often When it comes to our own. We have learned lessons but then keep going against them hoping to break and rewrite the lesson for good or the lesson seems to only apply or make sense to me and my unique consequences. Either way we are all works in progress who gain more confidence along the way, but still have margins of error.

Where at first it feels like we Never quite learn. Then when we look back we can see how much we have changed hopefully for the better

The life lessons are memorable and extraordinary finding them on her own

it also got me in my emotions when she talks about MURIEL’S WEDDING and how it is her favorite film and the theme and messages and how it spoke to her.

Which was the same I felt when i saw it as a teenager and a story of not only finding yourself but defining and loving yourself which is still a challenge for some of us.

[Katherine Bradshaw · Rating 3 out of 5]

“People say you need a hobby. They tell you there needs to be something in life that brings you joy outside of work. But you’ve been alive for a while now. If there was anything else that was capable of bringing you joy, wouldn’t you have found it by now? Maybe you quit film and find pottery?”

“You’ve been so removed from your body these past few years Actually, longer--all of your years. Living in a city like New York or London makes you feel like you're a brain float- above a body, and the body's this annoying drunk friend you have to drag with you everywhere, all "Sorry about her." So you force yourself to take her to the gym or a yoga class, but when you do, it's getting in the way of answering the questions that echo in your head and drive your existence: How am I progressing? What am I making? Where am I succeeding?

…You did it for love. Every script, film, interview, conference call. You did it to connect, to be seen, because you felt so invisible and there was so much to say. But now you've been seen, and it's terrifying. You've been seen, but it wasn't enough, and no matter how many wins you get, they'll never satiate, because you keep changing the benchmark of "enough" so that it's just out of reach. So the story always reads that you're a loser and nobody likes you. And now you broke yourself, because you don't know how to stop stripping the meat off your existence so you could inject it onto the screen to make the work more lifelike, leaving your actual life limp and inanimate. But there's nothing you can do about that just now. So you keep dancing.”


“All these years, I've been hoping I could find the person who'd love me so much I could scoop up the overflow and see myself through their eyes, but it turns out that kind of love is nontransferable. What are the rules for loving yourself? The technique? I'm not sure what it would even look like.”

“I would like to give myself the same advice: allow yourself to believe in the inevitability of your family, whatever shape it takes.”

[Karen Workman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not enjoy this book. To be fair, I read mainly fiction so an autobiography is not my usual fare but I found Akhavan annoying and not terribly likeable - loud and somewhat brash even from the medium of the page. I would not have read the book had it not been a book club read.

Having said this, there were aspects of it that made me reflect which for me is always the sign of a book that has some worth. I particularly liked the reflections the following passage produced:

‘I can’t gauge the severity of curse words in Farsi. I understand the literal translations, but I never know how much punch each one packs, because you can’t really translate Farsi into English in a linear, word-for-word way. Farsi is like poetry: it dances around its point, dips a toe in, then moonwalks into a metaphor. The consonants lend themselves to a certain cadence that drips with whatever emotion you inject into it. When delivered with the right amount of disdain, it can hit the ear viscerally. Scream it and the whole house shakes. Whisper it and it’s like you’re spraying venom. I heard “SNAKE POISON!” screamed so loud and so often that I knew it was hateful, but to this day I’m not quite sure how bad of a bad word it is. “Snake poison” may be the worst thing you could say to a person, or it could be as benign as “darn it.” ‘

I thought this was interesting and in the same way that Akhavan describes never truly finding someone to be her whole self with, it highlights the problem for those who for whatever reason find themselves growing up as immigrants in a country that is not their own, and who are never able to experience being ‘home’ anywhere. They belong neither in their adopted country nor in their own. This must be very hard.

[Kayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.


Thank you to Netgalley and Random House Publishing Group - Random House for providing me an arc in exchange for an honest review.

I have been a fan of Desiree Akhavan's since I watched her directorial debut and learned that she was adapting "The Miseducation of Cameron Post" as a film. Actually, earlier this year, I rewatched her movies for the first time in years and was reminded of how much I enjoyed them. So, when I learned that Akhavan was releasing a book, I was immediately interested.

Due to having previous knowledge of Akhavan's works, it was really fascinating to see her recount her experiences of the sets of her movies or having to navigate festivals and meetings with producers, who's main motivation is making a profit rather than storytelling. Akhavan continues to reflect on her life with both humor and earnestness. I deeply related to her stories of struggling to find close friendships in her youth and how she turned to movies/TV. She doesn't hesitate to point out her flaws or faults, even in moments where someone else would shy away. She also writes those who have been in her life with a lot of understanding and compassion. My favorite sections were when she was talking about her best friend/collaborator Cecilia, or her parents.

While this is not a new all-time favorite memoir, I appreciate Akhavan's honesty and this was clearly a labor of love. Love for her past self, for the people around her, as well as love for those she is in community with and who may need this book to realize that they are not alone.

[Book Night Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

So grateful to have read this amazing book!

It's a non-fiction collection of essays based on the embarassing moments of the author which she shares with us in a way that surprised me for her brutal honesty!

Everyone has embarassing moments. The moments that one wishes never happened. To forget. But Desiree Akhavan has shared some of such events from her life. While reading this book, one remembers the cringeworthy moments in their life and see how they were not a big issue to have fretted about.

The essays went from the author's upbringing as an Iranian in America to her finally finding herself. Throughout the book, we see her struggling to find her identity which every immigrant can relate to.

Other than identity crisis, she also shared her stories about her love life, career, family, and her friend who made her see who she really is.

If none of the above-mentioned reasons convince a person to read this, then know that the book is much more than what one can imagine. It's funny at times and reflective and by the end, it's impossible to not feel connected to Desiree. In a way, this book connects with those who too had many issues that they struggled with before understanding their worth.

As an individual who is on her journey to find herself, reading this book was the best choice that I made!