F**king Up the Buttons on a Babygrow: A memoir of Twenty First Century parenthood

by Drew Magary

Have you ever faked sleep at 3 a.m. in a perverse game of 'baby monitor chicken' with your partner? Or wondered exactly how dire the consequences of an incorrect measurement of formula might be? Have you fought off the urge to strangle the feral child who smeared something unidenitfiable on the playground slide just before your toddler used it? Or fought off the urge to strangle your own while they repeatedly shout 'What's up f**kface?' to all and sundry during a trip to the supermarket? If you're a new parent, you've probably done at least one of the above. And if you have, it's OK, as Drew Magary expertly demonstrates in this hilarious book. Drew's commentary on the perils of modern-day fatherhood is so acutely observed, and so brilliantly told, that in a perfect world it would be advertised at NCT classes, endorsed by Gina Ford, and handed out in every new parent's Bounty bag. Read it for yourself, give it your partner, or get it for anyone you know who you suspect might be about to fall into the parent trap . . .

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Humor, Memoir, Biography, Comedy, Audiobook

227 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 2, 2013

About the author

Drew Magary is a correspondent for GQ Magazine, a columnist for Deadspin, and a Chopped Champion. He’s also the author of four books: The Hike, The Postmortal, Someone Could Get Hurt, and Men With Balls. He lives in Maryland with his wife and three children, and enjoys taking long walks.

Reviews

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hahaha! Drew Magary is a funny guy. My husband and I have been fans of his articles at Deadspin for several years now, and some of his lines are so great they get adopted and are regularly used in our daily conversations. (It would take too long to explain the story and context behind each bit, but trust me, we think they are hilarious.)

Someone Could Get Hurt is a collection of Drew's humorous stories about being a parent. Here are some funny bits:

"It was Saturday and my parents were in town and we needed something to do. This happened every weekend, with my wife and me feverishly racking our brains to figure out a decent place to take the children. We couldn't just keep them in the house all day. If we did that, everyone would kill each other by 3 p.m. We had to find some new and dazzling adventure to take them on. This is why apple orchards make zillions of dollars."

"Miss Rhonda was the local ballet teacher — a short, cheerful woman who loved teaching little girls to dance more than anyone has ever loved doing anything. Once a week, my daughter went to Miss Rhonda for ballet class. I use the term 'ballet' loosely here because you can't force two-year-olds into pointe shoes and demand they lose five pounds before Swan Lake dress rehearsals begin. You can only hand them costumes and let them run around a room to Disney music."

"The hardest part of giving a kid a bath is getting the kid into the bath. When my daughter was a baby, we could just throw her in the sink against her will and wash her like she was a saucepan. But as she learned to walk and talk and developed working muscles, getting her into the bath became more and more difficult. I had to find a way to get her to want to take a bath, which meant offering bribes or threatening punishment, often in tandem: You'll get candy, or you'll never get candy again.

Besides the funny observations on parenting, this book was also emotional in parts, especially when Drew wrote about the complications from his son's premature birth, or when he struggled with a drinking problem. But even in those serious sections Drew could point out the humor.

Drew likes using swear words in unusual ways, which I found amusing, but if you are sensitive to cursing, you probably won't like this book as much. Recommended for parents who need a laugh.

Favorite New Term: Monkeyfart
"I'd like to take a moment here to let you know that first-time parents are fucking idiots. Part of the joy of being a veteran parent is watching new and prospective parents monkeyfart their way through the process for the first time. They're stupid. Understandably stupid, but stupid all the same."

More Stuff
OK, OK, I'll share links to a few of our favorite Magary articles. His article on losing weight, The Public Humiliation Diet, is great.

Here's another good one on the Joe Paterno and Penn State scandal.

[Melki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Children are like very small terrorists: You can't negotiate with them.

Parenthood.

If you've been there and done that, this one is for you. And if you haven't, this book will better prepare you for the reality of spending 24 hours a day with a baby/toddler/child than any of the What to Expect books EVER will.

I cannot express enough how truly HORRIFYING it is to have this...this...THING around ALL THE TIME! This thing that needs you for its very survival. This thing that as soon as it is mobile, will attempt to kill itself daily. Its head gravitates toward all things sharp and pointy. Blink your eyes for a second and it will hurl itself down the nearest staircase. Don't ever let it near the cat's litter box.

And yet...

Believe it or not, there are rewards, little pleasures both warm and sappy, moments that will bring tears to your eyes. Not to mention the great stories that will someday embarrass the crap out of our children; anecdotes that we will tell again and again in the presence of said children, for the rest of our lives.

I give you, The Electric Toothbrush Incident:

...the boy took the brush out of his mouth and stared down at his dick. Then he looked up at me. I knew what was coming next. There are moments when you know exactly what's going to happen, only you're powerless to stop it.

I screamed out, "NOT ON YOUR PENIS, NOOOOO!"

But he was too fast and I was too old and fat. The vibrating brush went right down onto his dick, which I'm sure felt terrific to him. And then, once the boy felt his dick was sufficiently brushed, he stuck it back in his mouth. Then he giggled.

Parenthood.

The good, the bad, the ugly and the projectile vomiting. All the awful, infuriating, hilarious and touching moments. This book nails it!

[Margitte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this experience. I used to write a diary for my children, just writing-up memories of special moments, but got bored with my own thoughts and words. So I stopped doing it when I realized that I might bore them with it.

Reading this young dad's experiences with the birth of his children, the learning curve for his wife and himself as new parents and the behavioral challenges of the young children, reminded me of those diaries I stopped writing. I enjoyed reading this book and appreciate the time and effort that was required to turn the author's experiences into a publishable book and although it was not excitement all the way, it was certainly entertaining and personal and really funny at times.

I will certainly read this author again. The realism is so refreshing.

[Bradley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I basically read this because Drew wrote it. It doesn't get simpler than that.

That being said, it's a painfully obvious memoir of parenthood that is as recognizable as it is deadly funny. Oh, and did I mention the painful bits? It's all there.

Yes, it's a no-holds-barred look at himself and his relationship with his small children. With an honest look at his mistakes, his frustrations, and his semi-willingness to let his daughter destroy a perfect pizza.

Trust me. That story was breathtaking and terrible.

I jest. It was the last part.

I do appreciate honesty and humor. Sometimes the only way to cry is through a laugh.

[Lee Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since I became a mom some eight years ago, I have read a LOT of parenting memoirs. This is the best one by a mile.

I was already familiar with Drew Magary's parenting blog on the sports website Deadspin (thanks to my sister), so I knew he was hilarious and foul-mouthed on the subject. But this book is so much more, and even caused me to tear up a few times.

I want every parent I know to read this. If you're skeptical, just pick it up and read either "Princesses and Palefaces" or "Faka" (which is the best description of parental frustration and helplessness I have ever read) and then make your own decision. When I think of how many copies of Jim Gaffigan's mild and tired book sold, while this sold modestly at best, it makes me angry.

Read it, read it, read it.

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely hilarious, and poignant in all the right places. Recommended without hesitation to anyone who has feigned sleep next to their spouse so that they won't have to be the one to get up with the crying baby.

[Serena.. Sery-ously? · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's never gonna pe perfect - no, it's not. You're gonna keep fucking up, and fucking up badly. But you can't give up. You have to keep fighting to make things right. Because that's what love is. Love means you never stop trying to be better.

Popsugar reading challenge A book with "20" or "twenty" in the title

Around the world in 52 books A book with an emotion in the title

[Shana Shroll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Refreshing, honest parenting memoir from the irreverent perspective of a bumbling but well-intentioned dad. A little crass, but that helps balance out some of the more emotional parts. Great read for anyone navigating modern parenthood.

[Derrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came to this author through his sci-fi fantasy work. He wrote one of my favorite recent books called The Hike, a completely bizarre and engaging story. And I was really surprised at this book too. It’s a surprisingly heart-felt, touching and hilarious look at being a parent.

[Vince Tuss · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little too close to enjoy about life with three kids. But eager to read his new book this fall.

[Bon Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

In many regards, I hade it easier than the author.
In some regards, I had it harder.

I wouldn't do some mistakes he did.
But I did some other.

All in all, we had same, terrifying, strangely beautiful, impossibly
hard, surprisingly extatic experience called Parenthood.

[Catherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this memoir are very, very funny.

I literally LOLed while reading the chapter "Evening at the Improv." My 6-year-old demanded that I tell him what was so funny. Unfortunately, we were in a waiting room at the time, so I told him it wasn't appropriate. Once we got home I read the entire chapter about Magary coaxing his then-3-year-old daughter to take baths by telling her butt jokes. Jokes about sticking things up one's bum are always entertaining. Magary telling his daughter that she shouldn't share the jokes with her mom because their humor is "too sophisticated" totally sounds like something that would happen in my house, except it would be me telling the boys that Grandma won't appreciate our sophisticated humor.

I also enjoyed Magary's commentary on playgrounds as a breeding ground for anarchy, the horror of lice, and the delicate balance between letting kids do things themselves and maintaining parental sanity. Some of his anecdotes fell flat, making me squirm while reading -- sometimes in sympathy and sometimes because his full disclosure humor was just TMI.

And then there are the parts that are not funny, because they're not supposed to be funny, like the story of his third child being born prematurely with serious complications. The two halves of this story bookend the memoir, with stories of his first two children wedged between. It was an odd structural choice to me. Including the story of his DUI in the middle also seemed like a strange choice to me. While it happened after he became a father, and did affect his family in some ways, it wasn't really about parenthood, and didn't fit the mood of the rest of the book.

[Kelly Kurposka · Rating 5 out of 5]

"My wife and I agreed that we needed to have a second child because an only child is 90 percent more likely to have an imaginary friend who wants to murder you in your sleep."

"Having a third child means you should never again expect the world to sympathize with you. Even people with two kids deserve some compassion because until you have two children, you have no idea how big a pain in the ass two kids are. You think it's going to be double the work, but it's not. It's four times the work because you're managing both the kids and the complex relationship between them, which is exhausting... People with four or more kids are crazy people who belong in jail, but three edges between being dedicated to family and being a glutton for punishment."

"You were allowed to bring covered drinks into the NICU but I never did because I was the exact kind of person that would trip and fall and spill a forty-two-ounce Coke Zero directly into a newborn's respirator."

"All the bullshit you sign up for when you start out doesn't just go away. It goes on and on and on until you stop running away from it and start embracing it, until you realize that all the trips to the grocery store, all the nervous fretting at the playground, all the terrifying trips to the doctor are what truly matter. It becomes your reason for living, the thing that means more to your life than your life itself. It's never gonna be perfect - no, it's not. You're gonna keep fucking up, and fucking up badly. But you can't give up. You have to keep fighting to make things right. Because that's what love is. Love means you never stop trying to be better."

[Evan Kirby · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel slightly bad about rating this book this low, as it wasn't bad or anything, it just wasn't really outwardly funny or offered much about anything. I mean, I'm far from a parent, but I'm down with hearing some funny, yet heartwarming tales about the trials and tribulations of raising children, but there wasn't much here. First off it wasn't very funny, and I usually love Magary's humour (although I'm finding I'm less keen on his actual books than just his blog articles), but mainly the stories had no point and were pretty haphazard. He mentions how some of this book might not be word-for-word true and remembered as best as he could from memory and I'm like, "dude, embellish more because these are some boring ass stories that aren't funny at their base level." His more "serious" chapters where he delved into his DUI and psuedo-alcholism as well as the one documenting his son's health issues out of the womb were really great as they had some substance and emotion behind them, but also felt like they were misplaced in this book and would have been better served in a completely different project, especially with just these two sticking out like a sore, albeit really good, thumb.

[Susannah Sanford mcdaniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Freaking. Hilarious. Seriously.

I knew this would be funny. I did not, however, know I would bust out laughing in odd public situations, loud enough to make other people uncomfortable. I would read on the couch at home, and hubby would come home to find me laughing to tears. Mildly embarrassing.

Magary manages to hit the highlights of parenthood to him so far without feeling too...preachy or mildly depressing or obsessive. Some of the chapters/stories are more serious, some are only funny.

All are a good read.

I'm not a parent (yet?) but I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

One caveat: there's quite a bit of profanity. If that doesn't bother you, then read on! If it does, try to let it go just this once. I think it'll be worth it.

[Billy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a nice way to enter into the world of parenthood, which is exactly why a good friend gave it as an "expecting" gift. A lot of the humor didn't land on me and I never felt like he tapped into genuine insight or depth. The stories would often abruptly end compared to most personal essays, as if the punchline was hit so it was sufficient to move on. But there is a little joy on being blunt about the joyful misery that parenthood can bring on, and to be honest, I'm giving it an extra star because I appreciated the gift.

[Van Edwards · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a father of three boys, there is ZERO insight in this book. I can relate to the frustrations of child-rearing that he's experiencing in the book - that "what is wrong with you?" mentality. And it was mildly entertaining, but I could have done without all the F-bombs (on every page), and other curse bombs lobbed. It might have been about 10 pages shorter with out them. And I am by no means the model father, but good grief, the pot and DUI stories are just ridiculous, if they're all true.

[Shauna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I downloaded the sample, and had to buy the book to see how that first bit ended. If not, I'd be wondering forever.

Funny, plenty of cussing, modern dad's perspective on parenting.

[ChapterOne · Rating 5 out of 5]

So wonderfully honest and funny! I loved it :) 5 stars :)

[Meghan Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect book for maternity leave. Finishing this book made me realize that I’ve been scoring others on Goodreads too “easy”...this was truly deserving of a 5.

LOTS of cursing, so if that’s offensive to you, you probably won’t enjoy this.

I woke up the dogs snorting with laughter on multiple occasions while reading this on my kindle and nursing the baby in the middle of the night. Literally laugh-out-loud hilarious. Lots of very relatable content for parents. There was one chapter in the middle that caught me off guard with a serious topic, but I think the addition of that serious part made the rest of the book that much more entertaining.

[Debby · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I've had this guy and his kids following me through the grocery section of WalMart on numerous occasions. Ever wondered if the word "No" has disappeared from the English language or why modern parents think WalMart is a good place to practice Love and Logic techniques?
'.
That said, I found this book to be funny. Really funy! I also found it exasperating at times b/c of parental wimpiness (imho). It was also very honest. Yeah, the real stuff of parenting in today's culture.

[Aaron · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parenting is joyful and stressful and beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. Kids are wonderful and awful. Parents usually leave out the negative adjectives to give themselves (or others) the impression that they are above all the bullshit. Magary recollects on his parenthood experience straight from the bullshit with his keen sense of humor we all know and love from his work at Deadspin. He holds back no punches and is brutally honest about the mixed emotions and behaviors parenting can bring. I absolutely loved it and felt as if our kids mirrored each other in some weird alternate universe. It gives parents a realization that the bullshit isn’t something to be hidden away in a dark closet garnering shame.It is something that is inherent in parenting, and when put in the open, it’s pretty damn funny.

[James Verburg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny. Laugh out loud funny in some cases. Anyone who's a parent or has ever had to watch a child for even a day is going to find some relatable stories here. What surprised me most was how touching this was.
This is not a "how to parent" book. If you want that, look elsewhere. This is a book for those of us who've been entrusted with kids and have no idea what we are doing, and really just want someone to feel our pain. If you can't laugh at how ridiculous your kids are, then don't read this. Otherwise, it's a quick read that will put a smile on your face.

[Devon DeRaad · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want Drew Magary’s internal monologue live-streamed into my brain

[Lara]

Audio

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Honest and entertaining. I laughed out loud multiple times.

[Alison · Rating 3 out of 5]

My brother and sister-in-law gifted my husband this book on the eve of our arrival to Parenthood (or maybe just after we'd had our kid). I've never seen him read anything and he certainly hasn't had the time as a SAHD.

The quarantine has shut down the library so my usual source of reading materials has dried up. I chose this over other undesirable options from my husband's unused book collection (mostly about athletes) but I'd already watched the Michael Jordan docudrama and had had my fill of sports.

Many of Drew's parental experiences rang so true. Toddlers' illogic and the futility of reasoning with them, the glorious freedom when you abandon responsibility and leave your kids with someone else for any stretch of time, thoughts about how your identity is usurped by the "dad" (or mom) label, etc. I just wish he'd spent more time on each funny topic. Instead this book read like a comedy show: bit after bit after bit. The only episode given dedicated space was the intense opener describing his third child's congenital condition.

I guess I can say having lived it for about 3 years now, not much in this book surprised or enthralled me. 3 stars.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have always thought Drew Magary’s writing was funny and laugh out loud hilarious. I didn’t realize how poignant his writing could be too! This memoir about parenting starts with a crisis and then goes back to the beginning. I alternated between loud guffaws and tears-he hits some highs and lows in this book! I love the honesty and humor he brings to his perspective of parenting. What a great writer!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my, hilariousness!!! Anyone who has kiddos has to read this. The "Faka" chapter alone took it to five stars for me. I don't think I've ever laughed out loud while reading this much ever. There is also a serious side too, which might be hard to read for some (baby in the NICU). Super quick read, too, always a plus!

[Heni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprisingly funny. I love the way Drew Magary writes things down.