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Dear Ana
When twenty-five-year-old Maya Ibrahim goes to the cemetery on the anniversary of her accident, it’s not so she can pay her respects to the dead girl that saved her life–it’s so she can finally take back the future she was robbed of ten years ago. Seconds before she can successfully carve her fate, Maya gets interrupted by Noah Davidson, and after a rocky first impression, they form an unlikely friendship. Alternating between her present, and the letters she wrote detailing the painful consequences of her survival, Dear Ana follows Maya as she tries to overcome her past and find herself again amidst all the chaos. Will she continue to hide her scars, or will she be honest and tell Noah that the heart of the girl he once loved is still beating… but in Maya instead?
429 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 25, 2023
846 people are currently reading
12330 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 840 reviews
March 1, 2024
goodnight. i hope i don’t wake up.
February 19, 2024
I am VERY upset. The last 10 pages can kiss my ass
June 4, 2025
7 billion stars ☆
You cannot leave this earth without reading this book first. I DO NOT SAY THIS LIGHTLY!!!‼️.
you ever finish a book and think, what the fuck did this author just do to my fucking soul?!? 😣 yeah, well, this book is the embodiment of that. from the writing to the romance, to the characters to the ending. this was nothing i’ve ever read before. i will take this book with me in my grave.
so basically, this book follows the emotional journey of Maya Ibrahim, a 25-year-old woman dealing with the aftermath of a tragic accident from ten years ago. on the anniversary of it, she shows up at the cemetery of the girl who saved her life with a heart transplant—but not to pay respects. maya feels stuck in a life she didn’t ask for and is ready to end her life. just as she’s about to, Noah davidson interrupts her, and they end up forming a connection. the story flips between her past, told through "dear ana" letters, where maya shares her memories, trauma, and the abuse she suffered from her brother, and her present, where she’s trying to figure out life and her relationship with Noah.
let me just start off by saying that the writing in this book is absolutely beautiful—therapeutic and so refreshing😫! there were so many lines that kept hitting me in the face like a brick, one after another. i couldn’t stop myself from annotating and highlighting almost every chapter because of how deeply they resonated with me. the words felt so raw and honest, it felt like the author was speaking directly to me.
sometimes there is no reason why bad things happen to us. Sometimes things just happen without a heartfelt and meaningful lesson in the end to tie it all together. They can’t be fixed or redeemed. They are terrible and heartbreaking and unfortunately, they are also life.
reading maya’s letters broke me. the abuse she suffered from her brother since she was 12 was unbearable to witness. it was frustrating to read about her abuse because i felt very powerless watching maya go through all of that. it gets so bad to the point that i could tell you, if you haven’t read it yet, think of the worst thing a person could do to another, and that’s all mikhail (and her parents) did to maya. i hated her entire family right away for what they did to her because they were all responsible for her health and well-being. they were supposed to protect her, nurture her, love her. Instead, they broke her and made her believe it was her fault.
i feel like this author had so much to say. SO MUCH she wanted to bring awareness to, and it’s all right there in her words. she puts into words the thoughts and feelings i feel that i myself can’t find the words for.
this quote RIGHT HERE‼️👇
AND THIS ‼️👇😖
i found maya so very relatable, to the point i have to say reading this book felt like reading a memoir. maya’s story deserved to be heard, because even if fictional, the feelings displayed are very much real. i don’t think it was romanticized in any way, we got to see a lot of the ugly bits of depression from maya that we often don’t see in the media. i didn’t go through what she went through with her brother, but i could feel her pain regardless. her depression signs were all there: the way she fought hard to hide it from everyone she knew, pushing away people she cared and who cared about her, giving up her dreams, the detachment, the anxiety, the self-deprecation, self-harm, guilt, shame, mood swings, physical and health neglect, disconnection from reality, the isolation and the social ineptitude, all of these were SO VERY PERSONAL TO ME. i swear, it felt like i was doing a checklist of myself with all these symptoms—check check check. and of course, she had so many layers upon layers of PTSD and self-esteem issues due to the abuse, i just wanted to hug her, protect her, and tell her she deserves happiness, she deserves a beating heart.
THE ROMANCE WAS ABSOLUTE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL‼️🤧!!! absolutely gut-wrenching in the best way possible!! dear lord, give me a man like noah or i will unalive myself right now 😭🙏 he was a sunshine boy with a dark past and had a terrible childhood too, but he was so positive and had big dreams. Noah wasn’t just a love interest; he was a lifeline. the way he saw maya—not as broken, but as someone worth fighting for—was everything. the way he always gave maya words of encouragement, the constant reassurance that he would always love her unconditionally and be there for her till the end... people died. their connection wasn’t rushed or forced; it grew naturally, like two lost souls finding solace in each other’s chaos. it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and that’s what made it so powerful.
i saw angles fall from the sky when he said
my windows shattered, the curtains parted, and the stars collided when this man said:
The way he shatters the fabric of her reality needs to be studied! 😫 🙇
his persistence? despite maya’s walls, despite her instinct to push people away, he stayed—not forcefully, not in a way that felt suffocating, but patiently, respectfully, unconditionally. he didn’t demand to be let in; he simply waited, showing her, time and time again, that he was there, that she was worth fighting for. my heart was full of glee knowing maya was getting the love she deserved, and for the first time, she wasn’t just surviving—she was living. watching their relationship grow, seeing maya slowly let down her walls, watching noah love her not just in words but in actions— it was everything.
uh, hello? are you still here🤓? if you’ve made it this far, congrats, because i don’t usually write long reviews like this. but i can’t help myself🫠. i love this book so much 😭. okay, anyway
THE ENDING 😭 just -
when i tell you i cried, threw up, shaved off all my hair, lit a cigar next to an open gas tank, drank bleach straight from the bottle, threw empty beer bottles on the road, and entered a lion's den!!
i don't want to explain too much because of spoilers, but that ending broke me in a way i think will take more than 10 years to heal.
more in-depth explanation (don't click this spoiler unless your read the book).
*sigh*
anyway, despite that ending, i can’t find the strength within me to simply lower the rating because of how deeply connected i feel to the characters and overall, this book. this is the best heartbreaking book i’ve ever read.this was a journey i was not prepared for but one i will never forget 😔 .
''pinky promise''
You cannot leave this earth without reading this book first. I DO NOT SAY THIS LIGHTLY!!!‼️.
you ever finish a book and think, what the fuck did this author just do to my fucking soul?!? 😣 yeah, well, this book is the embodiment of that. from the writing to the romance, to the characters to the ending. this was nothing i’ve ever read before. i will take this book with me in my grave.
so basically, this book follows the emotional journey of Maya Ibrahim, a 25-year-old woman dealing with the aftermath of a tragic accident from ten years ago. on the anniversary of it, she shows up at the cemetery of the girl who saved her life with a heart transplant—but not to pay respects. maya feels stuck in a life she didn’t ask for and is ready to end her life. just as she’s about to, Noah davidson interrupts her, and they end up forming a connection. the story flips between her past, told through "dear ana" letters, where maya shares her memories, trauma, and the abuse she suffered from her brother, and her present, where she’s trying to figure out life and her relationship with Noah.
let me just start off by saying that the writing in this book is absolutely beautiful—therapeutic and so refreshing😫! there were so many lines that kept hitting me in the face like a brick, one after another. i couldn’t stop myself from annotating and highlighting almost every chapter because of how deeply they resonated with me. the words felt so raw and honest, it felt like the author was speaking directly to me.
sometimes there is no reason why bad things happen to us. Sometimes things just happen without a heartfelt and meaningful lesson in the end to tie it all together. They can’t be fixed or redeemed. They are terrible and heartbreaking and unfortunately, they are also life.
reading maya’s letters broke me. the abuse she suffered from her brother since she was 12 was unbearable to witness. it was frustrating to read about her abuse because i felt very powerless watching maya go through all of that. it gets so bad to the point that i could tell you, if you haven’t read it yet, think of the worst thing a person could do to another, and that’s all mikhail (and her parents) did to maya. i hated her entire family right away for what they did to her because they were all responsible for her health and well-being. they were supposed to protect her, nurture her, love her. Instead, they broke her and made her believe it was her fault.
i feel like this author had so much to say. SO MUCH she wanted to bring awareness to, and it’s all right there in her words. she puts into words the thoughts and feelings i feel that i myself can’t find the words for.
''I want to find the despicable human who decided that ‘all siblings fight’ was an acceptable explanation, and tell them to shut the fuck up. They say blood is thicker than water until your blood is quickly surging out of you from wounds that your blood created”
this quote RIGHT HERE‼️👇
We lived in a world that chose to only recognize the right kind of abuse, and that chose to only believe the right kind of victim.
AND THIS ‼️👇😖
How are you supposed to heal in the same place you got hurt? How are you supposed to recover from all the pain and torments of your past, when your past is still your present?”
i found maya so very relatable, to the point i have to say reading this book felt like reading a memoir. maya’s story deserved to be heard, because even if fictional, the feelings displayed are very much real. i don’t think it was romanticized in any way, we got to see a lot of the ugly bits of depression from maya that we often don’t see in the media. i didn’t go through what she went through with her brother, but i could feel her pain regardless. her depression signs were all there: the way she fought hard to hide it from everyone she knew, pushing away people she cared and who cared about her, giving up her dreams, the detachment, the anxiety, the self-deprecation, self-harm, guilt, shame, mood swings, physical and health neglect, disconnection from reality, the isolation and the social ineptitude, all of these were SO VERY PERSONAL TO ME. i swear, it felt like i was doing a checklist of myself with all these symptoms—check check check. and of course, she had so many layers upon layers of PTSD and self-esteem issues due to the abuse, i just wanted to hug her, protect her, and tell her she deserves happiness, she deserves a beating heart.
THE ROMANCE WAS ABSOLUTE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL‼️🤧!!! absolutely gut-wrenching in the best way possible!! dear lord, give me a man like noah or i will unalive myself right now 😭🙏 he was a sunshine boy with a dark past and had a terrible childhood too, but he was so positive and had big dreams. Noah wasn’t just a love interest; he was a lifeline. the way he saw maya—not as broken, but as someone worth fighting for—was everything. the way he always gave maya words of encouragement, the constant reassurance that he would always love her unconditionally and be there for her till the end... people died. their connection wasn’t rushed or forced; it grew naturally, like two lost souls finding solace in each other’s chaos. it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and that’s what made it so powerful.
i saw angles fall from the sky when he said
““I love you, Maya. Even the parts of yourself you think are too broken. Even the parts you don’t love about yourself. You are the best fucking thing that has happened to me, exactly the way you are. ”
my windows shattered, the curtains parted, and the stars collided when this man said:
“But it’s been ten years and you’re still in pain from the past. Maybe the reason is that you’re not supposed to heal alone. We’re both made up of broken pieces, but when put together they seem to fit perfectly. Let me love you, Maya. Let me help you heal. Let’s heal together.”
The way he shatters the fabric of her reality needs to be studied! 😫 🙇
his persistence? despite maya’s walls, despite her instinct to push people away, he stayed—not forcefully, not in a way that felt suffocating, but patiently, respectfully, unconditionally. he didn’t demand to be let in; he simply waited, showing her, time and time again, that he was there, that she was worth fighting for. my heart was full of glee knowing maya was getting the love she deserved, and for the first time, she wasn’t just surviving—she was living. watching their relationship grow, seeing maya slowly let down her walls, watching noah love her not just in words but in actions— it was everything.
“All I wanted was a drop of love, but he gave me an entire rainstorm. All I wanted was a single star to wish on, but he offered me the entire fucking galaxy and then helped me make each of them come true.”
uh, hello? are you still here🤓? if you’ve made it this far, congrats, because i don’t usually write long reviews like this. but i can’t help myself🫠. i love this book so much 😭. okay, anyway
THE ENDING 😭 just -
when i tell you i cried, threw up, shaved off all my hair, lit a cigar next to an open gas tank, drank bleach straight from the bottle, threw empty beer bottles on the road, and entered a lion's den!!
i don't want to explain too much because of spoilers, but that ending broke me in a way i think will take more than 10 years to heal.
more in-depth explanation (don't click this spoiler unless your read the book).
*sigh*
anyway, despite that ending, i can’t find the strength within me to simply lower the rating because of how deeply connected i feel to the characters and overall, this book. this is the best heartbreaking book i’ve ever read.this was a journey i was not prepared for but one i will never forget 😔 .
''pinky promise''
October 11, 2025
There's more or less spoilers here. Don't read this review if you haven't or if you plan to read this book <3
𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚♡
21th may, 2024.
Dear Maya, Noah,
I'm writing this review while i'm walking to home. Crying.
Looking like a stupid girl crying in plain sight, for everyone to see.
And i can't stop my tears.
I knew this book was going to end me, that it was meant to be. I knew that your story was going to end me. That i'll ended up crying like i am right now. I knew it but i still choose to read it.
I knew it.
I can't believe what i've read. I don't want to. It must be a lie right ? Some kind of hallucination ?
I always said that i hated sad ending, and i loathe them in fact. I'm not that strong.
I'm actually struggling with my words because i'm trying to hold my tears while i'm writing and walking. I'm trying hard, i promise.
But this book, this end, your end. It's too much for me.
I'll be home in ten minutes. And in ten minutes i'll lock me up in the bathroom and i'll cry.
Harder.
I'll cry for you Maya. And I'll cry for you Noah.
I'll cry for the past me who hoped to read a happy ending. The one who was hoping to see you both happy. Who naively - despite knowing what was enivitably going to happen - thought that i'll could read your happily ever after.
To be honest, i haven't read the epilogue yet. I'm scared to. I know it'll be the final hit, the painfully last one.
And i know i won't move on.
And yeah.. ten minute after what i wrote above, i'm home. I'm locked up. And i've read the epilogue.
I'm so heartbroken right now. Probably as much as you are Noah. I'm grieving the end you'll never have, the end i'll never read.
Why i'm hurting like this ? Yeah, yeah, Noah, i know... i.i.e words touched me. Touched my heart and my soul. Like you were touched by Maya.
I said that i loathed sad endings, and it's still true. But deep down, maybe i love them.
Maybe i love reading about broken people, sad stories and maybe i love ugly crying like i am in this moment. Deep down, i know that's what i love, because it feels true, raw and real.
Your story felt real. Your words, your time.
Everything felt real.
And i fell in love with it.
I fell in love with the way you were made for each other.
I'm already missing you guys. And i don't want to say goodbye, i don't want to put your story on my bookshelf. Because when i'll do it, i'll know that there's no chance to read a different end. I'll realize how real this is.
How painful this is. Beautifully painful.
And i'm still naively thinking that if i open your story, then maybe, words will change, and i'll read something else.
The happy ending we deserved. That Maya deserved more than anyone.
Everything is fresh, my pain is fresh. I know that's why i'm reacting like this. A bit like you're reacting Noah.
I know that if you were here, you'll say that i'm not overreacting.
And again, i know that i'll move on.
Everyone does it. You'll move on too Noah.
But we won't forget.
I won't forget your story. I won't forget how happy i was to read it, how excited i was to read it. How i wanted so bad a happy ending for you guys. I won't forget how heartbreaking it is to read the last line of your story. I won't forget how i loved everything about both of you.
I won't forget you Maya, and i won't forget you Noah.
You were, no, you are a beautiful story. Dear to my heart.
"I'll see you when I wake up at sunrise to say good morning, and then again as the sun sets when you say goodnight."
— Forever in love with your story, Moon
PS : Dear Ana, take care of Maya. I hope you'll be friends. It was good to know you.
𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚♡
21th may, 2024.
Dear Maya, Noah,
I'm writing this review while i'm walking to home. Crying.
Looking like a stupid girl crying in plain sight, for everyone to see.
And i can't stop my tears.
I knew this book was going to end me, that it was meant to be. I knew that your story was going to end me. That i'll ended up crying like i am right now. I knew it but i still choose to read it.
I knew it.
I can't believe what i've read. I don't want to. It must be a lie right ? Some kind of hallucination ?
I always said that i hated sad ending, and i loathe them in fact. I'm not that strong.
I'm actually struggling with my words because i'm trying to hold my tears while i'm writing and walking. I'm trying hard, i promise.
But this book, this end, your end. It's too much for me.
I'll be home in ten minutes. And in ten minutes i'll lock me up in the bathroom and i'll cry.
Harder.
I'll cry for you Maya. And I'll cry for you Noah.
I'll cry for the past me who hoped to read a happy ending. The one who was hoping to see you both happy. Who naively - despite knowing what was enivitably going to happen - thought that i'll could read your happily ever after.
To be honest, i haven't read the epilogue yet. I'm scared to. I know it'll be the final hit, the painfully last one.
And i know i won't move on.
And yeah.. ten minute after what i wrote above, i'm home. I'm locked up. And i've read the epilogue.
I'm so heartbroken right now. Probably as much as you are Noah. I'm grieving the end you'll never have, the end i'll never read.
Why i'm hurting like this ? Yeah, yeah, Noah, i know... i.i.e words touched me. Touched my heart and my soul. Like you were touched by Maya.
I said that i loathed sad endings, and it's still true. But deep down, maybe i love them.
Maybe i love reading about broken people, sad stories and maybe i love ugly crying like i am in this moment. Deep down, i know that's what i love, because it feels true, raw and real.
Your story felt real. Your words, your time.
Everything felt real.
And i fell in love with it.
I fell in love with the way you were made for each other.
I'm already missing you guys. And i don't want to say goodbye, i don't want to put your story on my bookshelf. Because when i'll do it, i'll know that there's no chance to read a different end. I'll realize how real this is.
How painful this is. Beautifully painful.
And i'm still naively thinking that if i open your story, then maybe, words will change, and i'll read something else.
The happy ending we deserved. That Maya deserved more than anyone.
Everything is fresh, my pain is fresh. I know that's why i'm reacting like this. A bit like you're reacting Noah.
I know that if you were here, you'll say that i'm not overreacting.
And again, i know that i'll move on.
Everyone does it. You'll move on too Noah.
But we won't forget.
I won't forget your story. I won't forget how happy i was to read it, how excited i was to read it. How i wanted so bad a happy ending for you guys. I won't forget how heartbreaking it is to read the last line of your story. I won't forget how i loved everything about both of you.
I won't forget you Maya, and i won't forget you Noah.
You were, no, you are a beautiful story. Dear to my heart.
"I'll see you when I wake up at sunrise to say good morning, and then again as the sun sets when you say goodnight."
— Forever in love with your story, Moon
PS : Dear Ana, take care of Maya. I hope you'll be friends. It was good to know you.
January 2, 2024
I did not expect the ending.
November 17, 2024
I have NEVER and I mean NEVER been so emotionally wrecked by a book in the best way.
I sobbed. And sobbed again. And then sobbed again.
This book is heartbreaking in the most painfully beautiful way!
5 million/10 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I sobbed. And sobbed again. And then sobbed again.
This book is heartbreaking in the most painfully beautiful way!
5 million/10 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
February 12, 2024
I cant believe I just put myself through that.
March 1, 2024
the ending. WHY
April 4, 2025
Dedication For me, and for anyone else who wants their story to count too.
The most brutal monsters were the ones you didn’t see coming.
I am truly at a loss for words. From the first page, until the last sentence of the author's note, this book was simultaneously heartbreaking, full of hope, anxiety inducing, and absolutely f***ng beautiful. This was so painful yet warmed my heart. I cried so hard my vision blurred yet I laughed and smiled so much that my cheeks hurt.
How ridiculously unfair it was that the only thing harder than suffering was trying to move on.
This book is for anyone who has felt pain, trauma, endured invisible scars but has never been able to speak the words out loud; who never felt heard, seen or wanted. This is for anyone who lost hope but needs a reminder that life can be so incredibly beautiful. This is for someone who feels like an empty vessel waiting for the shell to crumble apart but wants a reason to try to repair it themselves. This is for someone who hid in the dark while waiting for the end but quietly yearns for an outstretched hand.
But if I learned anything in life, it’s that it’s cruel. So you need to take those brief flashes, and glimpses, and blurry images of joy and cherish them because one day [...] everything will become a memory.
Quotes
You were my soulmate in this life, and you will be in every life that comes after. I’ll meet you on the other side my love, but until then . . . I’ll see you when I wake up at sunrise to say good morning, and then again as the sun sets when you say goodnight. Pinky Promise.
1) Fragments of myself had been chipped off and scattered along the way through this never-ending web of suffering without my notice and now they were lost forever. Life becomes so much more peaceful once you detach yourself from the truth, Ana.
2) “Life is short, Maya. Life is short and it sucks ninety-nine percent of the time, but that other one percent can be so bright and wonderful that it’ll make the rest of it durable.”
3) That’s the thing about sometimes, though. Sometimes couldn’t last forever––not really. It eventually had to stop being sometimes. It eventually had to fall back into never or transform into always.
4) I looked down and he was holding four perfectly carved wooden flowers, all painted white. They were so life-like and so perfect, if I didn’t reach my hand out and gently feel the grain of wood beneath my fingers I would’ve sworn they were real. But as I took a closer look, I noticed little scribbles on each of the petals, and I immediately recognized the words. Quotes scrawled in his handwriting. Book quotes. A bouquet of all my favorite book quotes.
5) My name, right there, over his heart. It was small, and I could barely see it through the water and my blurry vision but it was real, inscribed between two interlocked pinkies. An infinite and irreversible promise.
6) People think healing comes naturally. A papercut that closes up on its own after a few days––red, to white, to skin––without any effort from you. Emotions don’t work like that. A wounded mind can’t heal itself. It’s a choice. You had to choose to heal. You had to choose to be better. You had to choose to be happy, and that choice, as difficult as it was, is my happily ever after that opened the doors to an infinite number of happily ever afters waiting to come.
The most brutal monsters were the ones you didn’t see coming.
I am truly at a loss for words. From the first page, until the last sentence of the author's note, this book was simultaneously heartbreaking, full of hope, anxiety inducing, and absolutely f***ng beautiful. This was so painful yet warmed my heart. I cried so hard my vision blurred yet I laughed and smiled so much that my cheeks hurt.
How ridiculously unfair it was that the only thing harder than suffering was trying to move on.
This book is for anyone who has felt pain, trauma, endured invisible scars but has never been able to speak the words out loud; who never felt heard, seen or wanted. This is for anyone who lost hope but needs a reminder that life can be so incredibly beautiful. This is for someone who feels like an empty vessel waiting for the shell to crumble apart but wants a reason to try to repair it themselves. This is for someone who hid in the dark while waiting for the end but quietly yearns for an outstretched hand.
But if I learned anything in life, it’s that it’s cruel. So you need to take those brief flashes, and glimpses, and blurry images of joy and cherish them because one day [...] everything will become a memory.
Quotes
You were my soulmate in this life, and you will be in every life that comes after. I’ll meet you on the other side my love, but until then . . . I’ll see you when I wake up at sunrise to say good morning, and then again as the sun sets when you say goodnight. Pinky Promise.
1) Fragments of myself had been chipped off and scattered along the way through this never-ending web of suffering without my notice and now they were lost forever. Life becomes so much more peaceful once you detach yourself from the truth, Ana.
2) “Life is short, Maya. Life is short and it sucks ninety-nine percent of the time, but that other one percent can be so bright and wonderful that it’ll make the rest of it durable.”
3) That’s the thing about sometimes, though. Sometimes couldn’t last forever––not really. It eventually had to stop being sometimes. It eventually had to fall back into never or transform into always.
4) I looked down and he was holding four perfectly carved wooden flowers, all painted white. They were so life-like and so perfect, if I didn’t reach my hand out and gently feel the grain of wood beneath my fingers I would’ve sworn they were real. But as I took a closer look, I noticed little scribbles on each of the petals, and I immediately recognized the words. Quotes scrawled in his handwriting. Book quotes. A bouquet of all my favorite book quotes.
5) My name, right there, over his heart. It was small, and I could barely see it through the water and my blurry vision but it was real, inscribed between two interlocked pinkies. An infinite and irreversible promise.
6) People think healing comes naturally. A papercut that closes up on its own after a few days––red, to white, to skin––without any effort from you. Emotions don’t work like that. A wounded mind can’t heal itself. It’s a choice. You had to choose to heal. You had to choose to be better. You had to choose to be happy, and that choice, as difficult as it was, is my happily ever after that opened the doors to an infinite number of happily ever afters waiting to come.
September 17, 2024
5/5😭😭😭😭😭😭 I’m heartbroken. What am I supposed to do now? the author, i.i.e. I absolutely despise you. That ending was so cruel. I can’t stop crying. You’re sick. SICK! No I will not read Noah’s book, I will not go through that again. 💔 actually idc what happens after, I’m done.
March 13, 2024
I am speechless.
February 20, 2024
I cannot believe the emotional roller coaster I have endured
February 26, 2024
I bawled my eyes out at the end. This book was hard to read because of the trauma but so worth it. Definitely recommend.
March 17, 2024
no book has ever evoked this many emotions out of me, i am crying hysterically.
April 20, 2024
semi-spoilers!!
um ok hi i’m not ok
i don’t know what type of delusion i had to think this book was going to have a happy ending but I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT ENDING,this book was so tragic and heartbreaking
im not sure i’ll every recover from this
um ok hi i’m not ok
i don’t know what type of delusion i had to think this book was going to have a happy ending but I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT ENDING,this book was so tragic and heartbreaking
im not sure i’ll every recover from this
May 9, 2024
tell me WHY the author thought it was a good idea to make the first 400 pages all cute then all of a sudden make the last 29 pages literal torture. like they had absolutely no reason i thought i was getting a cute and funny epilogue BUT NO. reading is never cute and funny anymore authors just have to make everything SAD and DEPRESSING for no reason like someone fire these people and put them in jail for LIFE.
February 22, 2024
This book was heavy.
I just don't think I was ready for this kind of heavy.
I just don't think I was ready for this kind of heavy.
March 29, 2024
I never hated an ending more than this one.
December 5, 2024
✦ . ⁺ .━━━ 5⭐━━━ . ⁺ . ✦
First thing I'll say is: "Please God, may a man like Noah Davidson find me."
An absolute masterpiece that broke me into pieces so small that I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it. A story so true yet the need not to believe it that it is a phenomenon that's vastly happening is so big.
Also the ending even though it ended like it ended, I loved it because not everything ends with an happily ever after. Sometimes it's better if things end, and the end isn't bad.
I would like to say so much more but I am just left speechless.
First thing I'll say is: "Please God, may a man like Noah Davidson find me."
An absolute masterpiece that broke me into pieces so small that I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it. A story so true yet the need not to believe it that it is a phenomenon that's vastly happening is so big.
Also the ending even though it ended like it ended, I loved it because not everything ends with an happily ever after. Sometimes it's better if things end, and the end isn't bad.
I would like to say so much more but I am just left speechless.
"𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚐𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚜𝚘𝚗, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊 𝚋𝚊𝚍 𝚍𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚛."
May 27, 2024
5 stars
No words. Everyone has to read this.
No words. Everyone has to read this.
February 24, 2024
No, because what kind of cruel person writes a book like this?!?! I was crying on and off basically the whole book. Girly got through so much, and then what?!?! Just as she was recovering, she got noped. AND YOU'RE TELLING ME I GOT NONE OF HIS POV FOR THE CUTE SCENES BUT OH ONCE SHE'S DEAD SURE HAVE HIS POV?!?! AND THEN TO JUST END IT AND BE LIKE "Thanks for reading :)" AS IF IM NOT CURRENTLY SOBBING AND GASPING FOR BREATH?!?!? AND MADE/MAKING ANOTHER BOOK ABOUT HIM AFTER MAYA??? DOES MY MENTAL HEALTH MEAN NOTHING??? THEY'VE BOTH BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH WHYYY???? COULDN'T THEY HAVE A LITTLE TIME?!? This has to be illegal somehow.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 6, 2024
“Life is short, Maya. Life is short and it sucks ninety-nine percent of the time, but that other one percent can be so bright and wonderful that it'll make the rest of it durable.”
”Insanity with you is the only sane thing l've ever wanted”
“It's been ten years and you're still in pain from the past. Maybe the reason is that you're not supposed to heal alone. We're both made up of broken pieces, but when put together they seem to fit perfectly.”
“All I wanted was a drop of love, but he gave me an entire rainstorm”
“We met by chance. Two darts getting thrown in opposite directions but somehow still landing at the same target.”
4 ⭐️ oh… everything about this book drove me insane!!! very long review upcoming ➡️
so i’ve been wanting to read this for a LONG time, i kept seeing it on tiktok and it got my interest. i was really excited, and although it was nothing like what i expected, it didn’t disappoint (well.. maybe the ending cough cough) i went in blindly, i knew nothing about the plot, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING other than it didn’t have a happy ending. and i am glad i was warned about this at least as i would have been even angrier than i am right now…
not knowing what the plot was about, in a way made it more interesting. every chapter had some sort of plot twist or new info i didn’t see coming. the plot is a lot more realistic and dark than i thought it would be. i highly recommend checking trigger warnings first before reading this book because i’m dumb and i didn’t. i deeply regret it since i didn’t know there were SA detailed scenes i did NOT see coming.
i want to start with saying that the writing was excellent, beautiful, refreshing and addicting. full of beautiful prose, realistic plot and mature characters. it had so many incredible quotes that blew me away. includes POC and mental health representation. but like i said before, this isn’t a cute or sweet story, it has a lot detailed abuse throughout the ENTIRE book that can be very triggering and hard to read.
now with the plot!:
THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE.
to be honest, is hard to call it even a romance, because yes there is plenty of slow burn romance but, feels more like a sub-plot. this is the story of Maya. Maya is the FMC and narrator of the story. the chapters for this book are divided between PAST (in which a series of letters addressed to Ana starting with the ‘Dear Ana’ in each one telling Maya’s experiences from the past, including flashbacks in narration form) and NOW (present, where we see how Maya navigates life as an adult and meets the MMC, Noah). it almost feels like this entire book is Maya’s diary, like a memoir, which hints towards the ending a bit. her past storytelling is addressed to Ana, but the present is addressed to the world and herself. at first the back and forth between past and present was more tolerable, but as the story goes in the past i dreaded it as it gets more and more dark with twists, it made me sick not knowing what more terrible shit happened.
so Maya’s childhood was incredibly horrible because of her brother, Mikhail, who had mental and anger issues that he would use to abuse Maya by torturing her (at first it is just that but at 40% of the book it hints to becoming s*xual) and mentally since she was 12 years old. and the most tragic part of all is that her parents never protected her and actually enabled him. Mikhail was very clearly the favourite child, as he was the older son and they used misogynistic excuses for his behaviour all the damn time. boys will be b—GUNSHOT. they always blamed Maya for his actions and forbid her from seeking help. at one horrific point her mother even forced her to cover her bruises and lie to the police about her brother’s attack. and after the car “accident”, her parents told the doctors that she “resented” her brother so they didn’t believe Maya when she tried seeking help to professionals. i will also say the doctors weren’t professional for shit too as they didn’t want to believe the victim and would call her a liar to her face too. and even though Maya never told her parents directly about the constant abuse and how far it escalated, they saw his violent bursts in first person multiple times and were aware that he had serious anger issues, yet they did NOTHING to protect her and never spoke badly of him (but they did of HER). in fact, they lied constantly to protect him and left her as a liar. when Maya is 15, Mikhail provokes a car accident that almost kills Maya, leaving Ana (who died then at age 18) to donate her heart to her. that’s why Maya addresses Ana in her letters about her abuse and childhood since she had no one she could vent with and Maya felt that no one would believe her, as Mikhail was an expert manipulator. it wasn’t really an accident we later find out: Mikhail was speeding and hurting her while driving, so she opened the door and jumped out (she wanted to die), because she ended up on the road, she caused Ana’s car accident, which we later find out that it was Noah driving AND Noah’s car was the one that hit Maya. as the past chapter progresses, the abuse gets worse and worse, Maya and her brother’s relationship resembles one of a toxic abusive relationship, she believes one day he might finally change and love her like a normal brother would. it was frustrating to read about her abuse because i felt very powerless watching Maya going through all of that. it gets so bad to the point that i could tell you if you haven’t read it yet, think of the worst thing a person could do to another and that’s all Mikhail (and her parents) did to Maya. part of Mikhail’s manipulation is to make her believe they are both the same. there is this quote i really loved from Maya when she finally confronts him;
“Roses and thorns grow from the same roots, Mikhail. One of them lives to hurt people, while the other lives to be a symbol of love."
Maya carried the induced guilt of her own abuse for years and felt like telling her parents not only would be useless since she knew they would do nothing, but she felt like a burden because of financial issues. fast-forward to present time, Maya is now 25 years old and feels guilty for having Ana’s heart, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it since she has lost her will to live. Maya is deeply scarred, mentally and physically. she is incredibly depressed and has had suicidal thoughts for a long time, she works 2 jobs to help her family financially since Mikhail won’t do it. she doesn’t have any friends, has never had a romantic relationship or anything close to it as she is scared of men and has given up in all of her dreams. one day, she decides to take her own life and she wanted to do it at Ana’s grave on the anniversary of her death. but when she’s there, she encounters Noah, she assumes was late Ana’s boyfriend. when she finally meets Noah again, turns out that Noah is Ana’s adoptive brother (although we don’t find out until l later that Ana had feelings for him), but Maya doesn’t want to tell him about her connection to Ana because she thinks he will hate her (Maya really believes she doesn’t deserve to live but Ana did) so she keeps this from him as they initiate a friendship that blossoms into more.
mentioning the 1st SA (by some gang men that show up at her house when he is away looking for him), i gotta say this already shocked me a lot since there was no hinting of it through the book at first until it just happens and it’s detailed. Maya seemed so distressed by it that she tries to deny the gravity of it as the men got interrupted by Mikhail coming back, but it doesn’t matter how far it got, it was still SA. it happens at like 30% in and told through the flashbacks. not seeing it coming was triggering and i had to stop a few times. this all just made Maya as a character a lot more complex, her entire childhood was all bad moments, by strangers and people who are supposed to love her. she had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she shouldn’t blame herself. it added to her mental trauma and her trust issues got worse.
but then things take a bad turn (again) out of NOWHERE. and i wish i got warnings for these. at 40% through flashbacks we find out the brother’s abuse takes a turn for the fucking worse and it made me so nauseous i had to stop. i suspected this at the beginning, but all she talked about him being violent so i assumed that was gonna be it. but NO. after the gang men, it seems like something clicked on him and he SAd her? it wasn’t very detailed or clear, it was hard to tell what was really going on so i just assumed but it doesn’t fucking matter because you kinda get the idea and it makes you just as sick. it made me see present Maya different and i understood now how the damage was even WORSE, it is impossible to see Maya now knowing all that i know and not feel for her. god she deserved so much better… there was this quote she said when she was feeling dirty from Him that really stood out to me and just broke me:
“I feel so fucking dirty, Noah. My core feels rotten, please, I need to get clean. I just want out> of this body, please, I can't…”
i found Maya so very relatable, to the point i have to say that this story was more important and bigger than just a romance (as it was branded). Maya’s story deserved to be heard, because even if fictional, the feelings displayed are very much real. i don’t think it was romanticised in any way, we got to see a lot of the ugly bits of depression from Maya that we often don’t see in the media. i didn’t go through what she went through with her brother, but i could feel her pain regardless. her depression signs were all there: the way she fought hard to hide it from everyone she knew, pushing away people she cared and cared about her, giving up her dreams, the detachment, the anxiety, the self-deprecation, self-harm, guilt, shame, mood swings, physical and health neglect, disconnection from reality, the isolation and the social ineptitude, all of these were SO VERY PERSONAL TO ME i swear it felt like i was doing a checklist of myself with all these symptoms check check check. and of course she had so many layers upon layers of PTSD and self esteem issues due to the abuse, i just wanted to hug her, protect her and tell her she deserves happiness she deserves a beating heart. i hated her entire family right away for what they did to her because they were all responsible for her health and well-being. in fact, her parents were abusive in other ways too, constantly picking on her and forcing her to “forgive” her brother though he never even apologised (not that it matters). there was a ton of gaslighting from her family, making her believe she was responsible for it. oh and also they pressure her A LOT into standards no one is capable of measuring up to. it was so painful to read about present Maya too and see how the damage from her childhood has (sadly) marked, defined and shaped her entire life. as the story and the abuse gets worse, we witness Maya’s trauma getting more severe, including panic attacks from PTSD distorting her reality. she was a victim, but she was more. a person. Maya was young, beautiful, smart, hardworking and kind, yet she couldn’t experience life at its full potential because of her family, and it just breaks my heart, more so knowing THIS happens in real life so many times. she deserved to be happy, to study what she wants, to work at what she wants, to be free, to be independent, to not be scared of everything all the time, to fall in love, to have friends, to love herself and to simply experience a life. the most painful thing of all was Maya actually believing she didn’t deserve to live or to experience good things. she went through pain in silence, she truly feared no one would ever believe her. she was entitled to deal with it as she saw safe. having a hardshell and looking tough on the outside doesn’t diminish all the suffering. it can build inside you like a snowball to the point when you question yourself and your participance in your OWN abuse.
this quote right here says a lot: “We lived in a world that chose to only recognize the right kind of abuse, and that chose to only believe the right kind of victim. (…) If you didn't relentlessly perform your victimhood with calculated tears and a striking, unmistakable image of frailty during all hours of the day then it must not be true. It was deemed unacceptable and therefore couldn't be heard. And if your story couldn't be heard, then it also couldn't be helped. And as the days went on. . . as the minutes of being ignored and invisible continued to tick loudly in a never-ending cycle of despair you inevitably started to believe it too.
But so be it. You got blamed when you fought back. You got blamed when you didn't speak up sooner. You got blamed for being too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too emotional. You got blamed when the situation you described wasn't common or ideal. You got blamed when you didn't have proof because obviously, the first thing I felt like doing after getting beaten and strangled was to take a fucking selfie.”
AND;
”How are you supposed to heal in the same place you got hurt? How are you supposed to recover from all the pain and torments of your past, when your past is still your present?”
now… the only happy and good thing about this book: Noah THE HERO (MMC) OMFG HE IS SO CUTE. if it wasn’t for him i would have thrown my kindle through the fucking window and myself right after it. Maya’s life was filled with tragedy after tragedy, until she met Noah. reading this book felt like whiplash, one moment it was a horror story then it was sweet and romantic because of NOAH. most of his quotes were my favourite;
“I was never a religious man but I swear, when I think about you I get so extremely overwhelmed that you're real and that you're mine, and all I want to do is get onto my fucking knees and thank God for bringing you into my life.”
one thing that made me really like him immediately is that physically he was described with traits that i never seen in other books’ MMCs that i personally find super attractive: he is tall and lanky (Maya describes his body like a SPAGHETTI). with curly dark hair and a cute smile with a tiny tooth gap and one dimple. he has heterochromatic eyes (one green and one blue). he is even a skater boy… oh and SURPRISE!!! he has tattoos all over his arms and torso (including her name over his chest) that she doesn’t discover until later. I MEAN DAMN PHYSICALLY HE WAS A DREAM ALREADY i screamed when i finally encountered a MMC without muscles, i’m so tired of those. then his personality he was amazing too: super nice and kind, funny and gentle. he had a terrible childhood too but he was so positive and had big dreams. overall, a cinnamon roll. despite she not being very open to a friendship, he insisted (without pressuring her). he loved her, cared for her and really wanted to be there for her. they both matched well and had good chemistry.
“Noah was so, so sweet and I didn't know how to accept it. I didn't know how to let it infect me. What if it turned sour as soon as it touched my tongue? What if it turned to poison as soon as I swallowed? What if I was allergic? What if I got addicted and could never live without it? What if, what if, what if—?”
there even was a ”who hurt you?” moment from him that had me swooning HARD because the conversation they had was so powerful. he SEES her, he sees through her pain and pays enough attention to notice when things aren’t right, he cares so much. he didn’t save her, he helped her get better. OH and he carried around a piece of paper of a list of things about her that he kept updating as he got to know her :( so cute. i only wish we got more of his background story though, like his scars for example? we never got to know how he got them… he is a sunshine boy with a dark past.
“Seven billion people, Maya. Seven billion fucking people in this world, and I had to fall in love with the one heart that couldn't love me forever.”
the one thing i’d change about him was his whole “Ana was my person” it was confusing because they got adopted together as siblings, but he hinted there was something more between them (mainly from her as she kissed him and confessed her love to him but he declined her as he only feel brotherly towards her) and ngl at first finding out about this was very icky to me (also considering how the other brother/sister dynamic we have in this book) but at the end, Noah admits that what he felt for Ana wasn’t romantic love after all and he realised this with Maya, he truly fell in love with Maya only. at the end, in Maya’s last letter to Ana, Maya says: ”I'm sorry he couldn't give you what you wanted, but he did give you the one thing you needed, even though you didn't realize it at the time. The one thing I needed, but will never have. He gave you a brother, Ana.” and that made Noah and Ana’s relationship make more sense now when it finally hit me, it came full circle.
so if this review is so long and i seem to love it so much, why is this 4 stars and not 5?? THAT FUCKING ENDING. THOSE FUCKING LAST 10 PAGES. listen i was warned about the sad ending, i was on edge the entire last 10%. BUT THAT WAS SO UNNECESSARY? it pissed me off we went through poor Maya’s entire life of suffering and when she finally faced her demons, got closure with her family, got the help she needed, the man of her dreams, a career… she just dies!? nah i’m sorry but that was cheap. i felt cheated EVEN with a warning because it was too rushed at the end. if you’re going to give me sad ending give it to me at 90% so we get a better ending/closure. ending her life made it seem like a slap in the face. and yeah i get it it’s REALISTIC; karma not always exists, good people die, bad people live, it is unexpected blah blah blah. but this is a fictional story… not everything needs to be realistic. also Noah was still alive and all we got was a love letter at the end that, other than being very sweet, it added absolutely 0 to the plot. so yeah fuck you, 4 stars it is. i will pretend those last pages didn’t exist i don’t fucking care!
Pinky Promise.
—Forever, your Noah.
P.S: I.I.E i love your writing and especially your fictional men. i’ll love to read more of your future books. but. for the love of god. if you give me another sad ending book I WILL NOT BE READING! that’s an actual pinky promise.
”Insanity with you is the only sane thing l've ever wanted”
“It's been ten years and you're still in pain from the past. Maybe the reason is that you're not supposed to heal alone. We're both made up of broken pieces, but when put together they seem to fit perfectly.”
“All I wanted was a drop of love, but he gave me an entire rainstorm”
“We met by chance. Two darts getting thrown in opposite directions but somehow still landing at the same target.”
4 ⭐️ oh… everything about this book drove me insane!!! very long review upcoming ➡️
so i’ve been wanting to read this for a LONG time, i kept seeing it on tiktok and it got my interest. i was really excited, and although it was nothing like what i expected, it didn’t disappoint (well.. maybe the ending cough cough) i went in blindly, i knew nothing about the plot, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING other than it didn’t have a happy ending. and i am glad i was warned about this at least as i would have been even angrier than i am right now…
not knowing what the plot was about, in a way made it more interesting. every chapter had some sort of plot twist or new info i didn’t see coming. the plot is a lot more realistic and dark than i thought it would be. i highly recommend checking trigger warnings first before reading this book because i’m dumb and i didn’t. i deeply regret it since i didn’t know there were SA detailed scenes i did NOT see coming.
i want to start with saying that the writing was excellent, beautiful, refreshing and addicting. full of beautiful prose, realistic plot and mature characters. it had so many incredible quotes that blew me away. includes POC and mental health representation. but like i said before, this isn’t a cute or sweet story, it has a lot detailed abuse throughout the ENTIRE book that can be very triggering and hard to read.
now with the plot!:
THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE.
to be honest, is hard to call it even a romance, because yes there is plenty of slow burn romance but, feels more like a sub-plot. this is the story of Maya. Maya is the FMC and narrator of the story. the chapters for this book are divided between PAST (in which a series of letters addressed to Ana starting with the ‘Dear Ana’ in each one telling Maya’s experiences from the past, including flashbacks in narration form) and NOW (present, where we see how Maya navigates life as an adult and meets the MMC, Noah). it almost feels like this entire book is Maya’s diary, like a memoir, which hints towards the ending a bit. her past storytelling is addressed to Ana, but the present is addressed to the world and herself. at first the back and forth between past and present was more tolerable, but as the story goes in the past i dreaded it as it gets more and more dark with twists, it made me sick not knowing what more terrible shit happened.
so Maya’s childhood was incredibly horrible because of her brother, Mikhail, who had mental and anger issues that he would use to abuse Maya by torturing her (at first it is just that but at 40% of the book it hints to becoming s*xual) and mentally since she was 12 years old. and the most tragic part of all is that her parents never protected her and actually enabled him. Mikhail was very clearly the favourite child, as he was the older son and they used misogynistic excuses for his behaviour all the damn time. boys will be b—GUNSHOT. they always blamed Maya for his actions and forbid her from seeking help. at one horrific point her mother even forced her to cover her bruises and lie to the police about her brother’s attack. and after the car “accident”, her parents told the doctors that she “resented” her brother so they didn’t believe Maya when she tried seeking help to professionals. i will also say the doctors weren’t professional for shit too as they didn’t want to believe the victim and would call her a liar to her face too. and even though Maya never told her parents directly about the constant abuse and how far it escalated, they saw his violent bursts in first person multiple times and were aware that he had serious anger issues, yet they did NOTHING to protect her and never spoke badly of him (but they did of HER). in fact, they lied constantly to protect him and left her as a liar. when Maya is 15, Mikhail provokes a car accident that almost kills Maya, leaving Ana (who died then at age 18) to donate her heart to her. that’s why Maya addresses Ana in her letters about her abuse and childhood since she had no one she could vent with and Maya felt that no one would believe her, as Mikhail was an expert manipulator. it wasn’t really an accident we later find out: Mikhail was speeding and hurting her while driving, so she opened the door and jumped out (she wanted to die), because she ended up on the road, she caused Ana’s car accident, which we later find out that it was Noah driving AND Noah’s car was the one that hit Maya. as the past chapter progresses, the abuse gets worse and worse, Maya and her brother’s relationship resembles one of a toxic abusive relationship, she believes one day he might finally change and love her like a normal brother would. it was frustrating to read about her abuse because i felt very powerless watching Maya going through all of that. it gets so bad to the point that i could tell you if you haven’t read it yet, think of the worst thing a person could do to another and that’s all Mikhail (and her parents) did to Maya. part of Mikhail’s manipulation is to make her believe they are both the same. there is this quote i really loved from Maya when she finally confronts him;
“Roses and thorns grow from the same roots, Mikhail. One of them lives to hurt people, while the other lives to be a symbol of love."
Maya carried the induced guilt of her own abuse for years and felt like telling her parents not only would be useless since she knew they would do nothing, but she felt like a burden because of financial issues. fast-forward to present time, Maya is now 25 years old and feels guilty for having Ana’s heart, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it since she has lost her will to live. Maya is deeply scarred, mentally and physically. she is incredibly depressed and has had suicidal thoughts for a long time, she works 2 jobs to help her family financially since Mikhail won’t do it. she doesn’t have any friends, has never had a romantic relationship or anything close to it as she is scared of men and has given up in all of her dreams. one day, she decides to take her own life and she wanted to do it at Ana’s grave on the anniversary of her death. but when she’s there, she encounters Noah, she assumes was late Ana’s boyfriend. when she finally meets Noah again, turns out that Noah is Ana’s adoptive brother (although we don’t find out until l later that Ana had feelings for him), but Maya doesn’t want to tell him about her connection to Ana because she thinks he will hate her (Maya really believes she doesn’t deserve to live but Ana did) so she keeps this from him as they initiate a friendship that blossoms into more.
mentioning the 1st SA (by some gang men that show up at her house when he is away looking for him), i gotta say this already shocked me a lot since there was no hinting of it through the book at first until it just happens and it’s detailed. Maya seemed so distressed by it that she tries to deny the gravity of it as the men got interrupted by Mikhail coming back, but it doesn’t matter how far it got, it was still SA. it happens at like 30% in and told through the flashbacks. not seeing it coming was triggering and i had to stop a few times. this all just made Maya as a character a lot more complex, her entire childhood was all bad moments, by strangers and people who are supposed to love her. she had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she shouldn’t blame herself. it added to her mental trauma and her trust issues got worse.
but then things take a bad turn (again) out of NOWHERE. and i wish i got warnings for these. at 40% through flashbacks we find out the brother’s abuse takes a turn for the fucking worse and it made me so nauseous i had to stop. i suspected this at the beginning, but all she talked about him being violent so i assumed that was gonna be it. but NO. after the gang men, it seems like something clicked on him and he SAd her? it wasn’t very detailed or clear, it was hard to tell what was really going on so i just assumed but it doesn’t fucking matter because you kinda get the idea and it makes you just as sick. it made me see present Maya different and i understood now how the damage was even WORSE, it is impossible to see Maya now knowing all that i know and not feel for her. god she deserved so much better… there was this quote she said when she was feeling dirty from Him that really stood out to me and just broke me:
“I feel so fucking dirty, Noah. My core feels rotten, please, I need to get clean. I just want out> of this body, please, I can't…”
i found Maya so very relatable, to the point i have to say that this story was more important and bigger than just a romance (as it was branded). Maya’s story deserved to be heard, because even if fictional, the feelings displayed are very much real. i don’t think it was romanticised in any way, we got to see a lot of the ugly bits of depression from Maya that we often don’t see in the media. i didn’t go through what she went through with her brother, but i could feel her pain regardless. her depression signs were all there: the way she fought hard to hide it from everyone she knew, pushing away people she cared and cared about her, giving up her dreams, the detachment, the anxiety, the self-deprecation, self-harm, guilt, shame, mood swings, physical and health neglect, disconnection from reality, the isolation and the social ineptitude, all of these were SO VERY PERSONAL TO ME i swear it felt like i was doing a checklist of myself with all these symptoms check check check. and of course she had so many layers upon layers of PTSD and self esteem issues due to the abuse, i just wanted to hug her, protect her and tell her she deserves happiness she deserves a beating heart. i hated her entire family right away for what they did to her because they were all responsible for her health and well-being. in fact, her parents were abusive in other ways too, constantly picking on her and forcing her to “forgive” her brother though he never even apologised (not that it matters). there was a ton of gaslighting from her family, making her believe she was responsible for it. oh and also they pressure her A LOT into standards no one is capable of measuring up to. it was so painful to read about present Maya too and see how the damage from her childhood has (sadly) marked, defined and shaped her entire life. as the story and the abuse gets worse, we witness Maya’s trauma getting more severe, including panic attacks from PTSD distorting her reality. she was a victim, but she was more. a person. Maya was young, beautiful, smart, hardworking and kind, yet she couldn’t experience life at its full potential because of her family, and it just breaks my heart, more so knowing THIS happens in real life so many times. she deserved to be happy, to study what she wants, to work at what she wants, to be free, to be independent, to not be scared of everything all the time, to fall in love, to have friends, to love herself and to simply experience a life. the most painful thing of all was Maya actually believing she didn’t deserve to live or to experience good things. she went through pain in silence, she truly feared no one would ever believe her. she was entitled to deal with it as she saw safe. having a hardshell and looking tough on the outside doesn’t diminish all the suffering. it can build inside you like a snowball to the point when you question yourself and your participance in your OWN abuse.
this quote right here says a lot: “We lived in a world that chose to only recognize the right kind of abuse, and that chose to only believe the right kind of victim. (…) If you didn't relentlessly perform your victimhood with calculated tears and a striking, unmistakable image of frailty during all hours of the day then it must not be true. It was deemed unacceptable and therefore couldn't be heard. And if your story couldn't be heard, then it also couldn't be helped. And as the days went on. . . as the minutes of being ignored and invisible continued to tick loudly in a never-ending cycle of despair you inevitably started to believe it too.
But so be it. You got blamed when you fought back. You got blamed when you didn't speak up sooner. You got blamed for being too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too emotional. You got blamed when the situation you described wasn't common or ideal. You got blamed when you didn't have proof because obviously, the first thing I felt like doing after getting beaten and strangled was to take a fucking selfie.”
AND;
”How are you supposed to heal in the same place you got hurt? How are you supposed to recover from all the pain and torments of your past, when your past is still your present?”
now… the only happy and good thing about this book: Noah THE HERO (MMC) OMFG HE IS SO CUTE. if it wasn’t for him i would have thrown my kindle through the fucking window and myself right after it. Maya’s life was filled with tragedy after tragedy, until she met Noah. reading this book felt like whiplash, one moment it was a horror story then it was sweet and romantic because of NOAH. most of his quotes were my favourite;
“I was never a religious man but I swear, when I think about you I get so extremely overwhelmed that you're real and that you're mine, and all I want to do is get onto my fucking knees and thank God for bringing you into my life.”
one thing that made me really like him immediately is that physically he was described with traits that i never seen in other books’ MMCs that i personally find super attractive: he is tall and lanky (Maya describes his body like a SPAGHETTI). with curly dark hair and a cute smile with a tiny tooth gap and one dimple. he has heterochromatic eyes (one green and one blue). he is even a skater boy… oh and SURPRISE!!! he has tattoos all over his arms and torso (including her name over his chest) that she doesn’t discover until later. I MEAN DAMN PHYSICALLY HE WAS A DREAM ALREADY i screamed when i finally encountered a MMC without muscles, i’m so tired of those. then his personality he was amazing too: super nice and kind, funny and gentle. he had a terrible childhood too but he was so positive and had big dreams. overall, a cinnamon roll. despite she not being very open to a friendship, he insisted (without pressuring her). he loved her, cared for her and really wanted to be there for her. they both matched well and had good chemistry.
“Noah was so, so sweet and I didn't know how to accept it. I didn't know how to let it infect me. What if it turned sour as soon as it touched my tongue? What if it turned to poison as soon as I swallowed? What if I was allergic? What if I got addicted and could never live without it? What if, what if, what if—?”
there even was a ”who hurt you?” moment from him that had me swooning HARD because the conversation they had was so powerful. he SEES her, he sees through her pain and pays enough attention to notice when things aren’t right, he cares so much. he didn’t save her, he helped her get better. OH and he carried around a piece of paper of a list of things about her that he kept updating as he got to know her :( so cute. i only wish we got more of his background story though, like his scars for example? we never got to know how he got them… he is a sunshine boy with a dark past.
“Seven billion people, Maya. Seven billion fucking people in this world, and I had to fall in love with the one heart that couldn't love me forever.”
the one thing i’d change about him was his whole “Ana was my person” it was confusing because they got adopted together as siblings, but he hinted there was something more between them (mainly from her as she kissed him and confessed her love to him but he declined her as he only feel brotherly towards her) and ngl at first finding out about this was very icky to me (also considering how the other brother/sister dynamic we have in this book) but at the end, Noah admits that what he felt for Ana wasn’t romantic love after all and he realised this with Maya, he truly fell in love with Maya only. at the end, in Maya’s last letter to Ana, Maya says: ”I'm sorry he couldn't give you what you wanted, but he did give you the one thing you needed, even though you didn't realize it at the time. The one thing I needed, but will never have. He gave you a brother, Ana.” and that made Noah and Ana’s relationship make more sense now when it finally hit me, it came full circle.
so if this review is so long and i seem to love it so much, why is this 4 stars and not 5?? THAT FUCKING ENDING. THOSE FUCKING LAST 10 PAGES. listen i was warned about the sad ending, i was on edge the entire last 10%. BUT THAT WAS SO UNNECESSARY? it pissed me off we went through poor Maya’s entire life of suffering and when she finally faced her demons, got closure with her family, got the help she needed, the man of her dreams, a career… she just dies!? nah i’m sorry but that was cheap. i felt cheated EVEN with a warning because it was too rushed at the end. if you’re going to give me sad ending give it to me at 90% so we get a better ending/closure. ending her life made it seem like a slap in the face. and yeah i get it it’s REALISTIC; karma not always exists, good people die, bad people live, it is unexpected blah blah blah. but this is a fictional story… not everything needs to be realistic. also Noah was still alive and all we got was a love letter at the end that, other than being very sweet, it added absolutely 0 to the plot. so yeah fuck you, 4 stars it is. i will pretend those last pages didn’t exist i don’t fucking care!
Pinky Promise.
—Forever, your Noah.
P.S: I.I.E i love your writing and especially your fictional men. i’ll love to read more of your future books. but. for the love of god. if you give me another sad ending book I WILL NOT BE READING! that’s an actual pinky promise.
March 29, 2024
The trauma and grief felt so real and raw.
The romance was SO beautiful 😭😭🫶🏽
*"What doesn't kill you does not make you stronger. It just makes you wish that it did kill you."
*From the authors note: "if you relate to maya in any way, I'm sorry"
The ending had me like this tho.
I would recommend checking trigger warnings.
The romance was SO beautiful 😭😭🫶🏽
*"What doesn't kill you does not make you stronger. It just makes you wish that it did kill you."
*From the authors note: "if you relate to maya in any way, I'm sorry"
The ending had me like this tho.
I would recommend checking trigger warnings.
March 2, 2024
Oh my.. this book wrecked me..
Brb crying my heart out now. I need to mentally recover..
Brb crying my heart out now. I need to mentally recover..
September 9, 2025
This book broke my heart and then collected the pieces and put me under the illusion that it’s gonna fix it only to laugh at my face while the break it all over again in a way that makes it unfixable 💔
September 14, 2024
“My story is ugly and messy but it's also real. It counts.” i loved this book to my core, it was raw and genuine, but that ending made my heart hurt man
March 9, 2025
this one hurts💔😭
July 7, 2024
Currently sobbing in bed, why couldn’t Noah have a happy ending with Maya. They were so close to living on a farm with homemade jam. 😭😭
January 22, 2025
No because you know what… this was a 5 star read.. until the last 20% because what was that actual reason for that ending? I just need the thought process.
This book was emotional and made me very angry because why was everyone against her?? Especially your parents? And why was she STILL helping them. I get that they are your parents but let them rot at that point!
I loved the writing style and the fixation on trauma and healing and not on the love or being “saved” by a boy.
But once I got to the last 20% I truly felt like a wasted my time. I need to sit on this one because I’m so angry. And I know not every book is a happy ending… but it didn’t need to go in that direction…
This book was emotional and made me very angry because why was everyone against her?? Especially your parents? And why was she STILL helping them. I get that they are your parents but let them rot at that point!
I loved the writing style and the fixation on trauma and healing and not on the love or being “saved” by a boy.
But once I got to the last 20% I truly felt like a wasted my time. I need to sit on this one because I’m so angry. And I know not every book is a happy ending… but it didn’t need to go in that direction…
March 7, 2024
The ending was absolutely unnecessary
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