Will I Ever Have Sex Again?

by Sofie Hagen

'I'm hungry to go on this journey. Sofie is smashing and remoulding her readers understanding of sex, gender and body politics by deeply penetrating where others just stroke the surface.' - Sara PascoeComedian Sofie Hagen has not had sex in 3,000 days (and counting). And it turns out, she's not the only one. In attempting to find out why we're not having the sex we want, Sofie asks the questions: can we blame a lacking sex education? Is it all just sexual trauma? Where's the radical sexual liberation we were promised? What are we going to do about this? Should she have slept with that guy in that bush that one time? How do you overcome being a 35 year-old virgin (when it comes to queer sex, that is)? How do the socially awkward and the neurodiverse have sex? In Will I Ever Have Sex Again?, Sofie Hagen explores the quirks and difficulties of being 'involuntary celibate' (but one of the feminist, progressive ones) through introspection and conversations with experts, therapists, sex workers, porn stars, comedians and public figures.

Genres: Nonfiction, Audiobook, Feminism, Memoir, Mental Health, Queer, Sexuality

257 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 23, 2024

Reviews

[Emma Carey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been very lucky to be able to read Sofie's book, Will I Ever Have Sex Again? early.

I usually devour books, and fully expected to devour this one. But I couldn't. I don't think this book asks to be devoured. I instinctively wanted to savour it. To slowly masticate, to ponder every morsel.

Enough chewing references.

I am a woman in her mid-30s who has spent enough time in the right spaces on the internet to learn about consent. In the past decade of my life, I have been able to understand the reframe a lot of my past experiences. I was able to absorb the experiences of others, and learn why I didn't always feel like my sexual experiences had been a good thing. So I expected to fly through this book, nodding in agreement and thinking "yep, knew that, very validating.'

But I didn't. Every chapter prompted a period of reflection before moving on to the next. Sometimes the reflection took days, sometimes longer. The book IS validating, but it also prompted me to further examine some of the events in my life that I thought I'd boxed off. I found myself relating, heavily, to so much of what Sofie said in the first two chapters. I felt comfortable to explore the feelings that came up between the pages, because Sofie has created a very safe space.

The bodies chapter was where I made most of my highlights. I'm a fat woman who hasn't had sex in a long time, despite being in a relationship. And my partner's view of my body is positive - that's not why we don't have sex. But when I think about the possibility of leaving my relationship to find sexual satisfaction again, I freeze. I did not inhabit a fat body before. I know I'm pretty, but I don't think anyone else sees that within this fat face. Reading about Club Indulge really piqued my interest, but I could find no similar events near my city (Liverpool). Even with sex and attraction out of the question, fat community is something I have longed for for ages. I felt a lot during this chapter. Everything Sofie said, I related to.

I also related massively to the sexuality chapter. As a bisexual woman who hasn't had any major sexual experiences with anyone other than cishet men, I could identify with the feeling of being an imposter and an outsider. Like I haven't earned my label, so I don't tend to claim it publicly. But this chapter was actually really validating. I am attracted to people of all genders, so I am not straight. I don't have to have checked certain experience boxes to know who I am.

I went into this book thinking that it would be a pretty light and easy read. It is easy, and accessible, but it prompts a lot more thought and reflection than I anticipated. Everyone Sofie talks to in the book is interesting and insightful. There is plenty to learn. I truly admire Sofie; they have written such a wonderful and detailed book. I can't wait for my preordered copy to show up, so I can put sticky notes in the pages I already know I will want to come back to.

I really think there is something for everyone in this book. It will challenge you. It will make you laugh. It will make you think. No matter who you are, and no matter what your relationship with sex is like, please do consider reading this book.

[Rosa Mattsson · Rating 2 out of 5]

As always with Sofie Hagen I find her personal stuff very funny and interesting. Loved all the diary entries. But as always with Sofie Hagen I find the activist stuff preachy and boring. It’s not even that I disagree with her politics I just don’t find it that interesting or well written. The interviews are shallow every time they steer away from the main focus of the book: why isn’t Sofie having sex?

Overall it feels like there just wasn’t enough material for a book so it was filled with bland interviews which seemed to mostly be focused on slightly condescendingly teaching the reader about labels, mental health and gender politics instead going in depth with Sofie’s actual situation.

[Katerina · Rating 5 out of 5]

You might think this is a book for people who are ace, people who are unlucky in love, or people without sex drive - when in fact it is a book for the queer, the neurodivergent, the traumatised.

I sense that the core theme is actually a lot less important than it might seem (this is a note to anyone who might want to dismiss it based on the topic alone), because the book comes at you with so much vulnerability, reflection and insight that it's simply like spending a couple of days with a close friend who is finally ready to share, making you feel safe to share yourself with them at last as well.

This is not a book with universal appeal, and in that it is an extremely important piece of writing to anyone who finds themselves in it. We must remember that in the world of pleasing the algorithm, the outliers are often forgotten about, and it's such a joy that a piece of media written with so much care exists for them to find themselves in.

I finally feel seen, because I know Sofie Hagen also finds visits to the dentist somewhat intimately charged.

[Carolyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wszystkie doświadczenia Sofie Hagan są jak najbardziej valid i nie podlegają ocenie, ale ta książka była o niczym i chyba nie byłam w jej targecie, bo wynudziło mnie przerabianie tematu zgody, transpłciowości czy etycznego porno. To są rzeczy ważne, ale jeśli miałyście tumblr w wieku 12 lat to nic was nie zaskoczy. Ja chce książkę, która będzie opisywać jak brak seksu jest polityczny !!!!

[Emily Katy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book wasn’t for me, and that’s ok.

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was entirely vulnerable. Sofie Hagen really gave us their all when writing this, and left no detail untold. Hagen has a way of processing and retelling intimacy with a tinge of humour and heartiness, which makes this an interesting read (be prepared for uncensored sex, kink and fantasy-talk!). Equally, Hagen dives into topics that underscore what a lot of people have experienced when it comes to sex and relationships - assault, rape, trauma, fatphobia, and additionally the implications that neurodivergence and queerness can have on what sex might look like. Chapter two in particular spoke to me in many ways, and I didn’t anticipate that this would be a book or someone that I could (unfortunately) relate to in terms of the way that trauma responses really do sneak their way into everything.

Though this book wasn’t very theory-heavy, I liked how Hagen stayed authentic throughout. Tempted to end the book on a sex-crazed high, Hagen instead stuck with reality. I think that was a really important note. Hagen didn’t try to tidy everything up into a nice resolution complete with a shiny bow. Sexual trauma isn’t something we can talk about once and tie up with a nice resolution and a shiny bow. Hagen encourages us to think about what sex is, what it means and looks like to us, what kind of sex we might want or not want, how we interpret intimacy and how in touch with our own bodies we are - ultimately, all questions about our safety. Having a ‘good’ or ‘active’ sex life doesn’t have to be a goal. But safety should be.

‘how can she have sex knowing that the pizza is getting cold?!’ - real.

[Erin Wickson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky to be picked to be a part of Sofie’s Book Pack and have an early copy of this book and I am glad to be writing these words because (and I cannot stress this enough!) everyone NEEDS to read this book. I cannot fully put into words how grateful I am for this book and to Sofie for creating a safe space in book form. I felt like I was being hugged and protected as I embarked on a journey of self discovery that I didn’t even realise I needed - I *thought* I was confident in talking about sex and my sexuality and how sex made me feel but it seems that I had not allowed myself to feel and learn fully.

This book feels like sitting on the sofa with Sofie, drinking a cup of tea and getting into the deep, dark, scary thoughts that you need to be released from (AKA any time I meet up with one of my besties😂) and that is not a feeling I get from a lot of ‘self help’ or even non-fiction books in general, so it meant a lot to me personally. I felt fortunate to be able to read something that made me feel aware of myself, not judged, safe, stronger, more confident and also sexy - this book is and shall always be a firm favourite and one I will recommend to anyone and everyone that I can!

May 23rd, everyone! It’s going to be the best day ever😍

[Hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great exploration of what sex actually is and what conditions we need to be able to have it. Lots of anecodotes that resonated with me - particular around fantasy and how focusing on the logistics spoils them! This is a personal exploration but other voices are brought in. I listened to the audiobook and liked that it was read by the author. I whizzed through this but can imagine, especially if you read the actual book, that this book could be a really useful tool for personal reflection. I really hope that Sofie’s vision that this book will be redundant in the future as the idea that people don’t talk about consent and communicate openly and honestly about sex and relationships will be alien to us.

[Annika · Rating 2 out of 5]

uncomfortably honest, annoyingly sarcastic* and overall sadly not my vibe. What Sofie does so well is writing about their own experiences, and I loved reading about those. But the interviews and the lecturing about social issues (that probably most of their target audience had a basic grasp on already) is where they lost me.

*with too damn many asterisks

[Sarah (sarahanneisreading) · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

[Lauren Galligan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this so much. So tender, comforting and funny too. Also I cried at the book talk…there, I said it.

[Isabel Otten · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF

This book started off well but got very bogged down by over explaining sex and gender terms which has been done by others before, in much less condescending and “captain obvious” ways. The conversations with experts somehow managed to make their research and areas of expertise feel boring.

The personal anecdotes were far and away the best part of the book, they were heartbreakingly relatable with a great sense of humour. I was hoping for something that embraces de-centring sex and romance from your life and self worth, but the book seemed more intent on figuring out why people might not be having sex, and using those answers to decide how people might have more sex. I suppose it just wasn’t for me.

Sadly found it a real slog and DNF at about 60%. Doesn’t offer much new or different. A memoir would have been great instead, Sofie’s skills as a comedian are much better suited to personal anecdotes.

[Totos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tender, funny, trauma informed and inclusive; this book has the right tone for an empowering and thoughtful conversation about sex (or no sex). Some chapters were less relevant to me as I’m not fat or non-binary but I was glad to read those chapters anyway and get a sense of other peoples experiences with sex. Regardless, so much of the stories resonated, especially Sofie’s experience of having sex with men under comphet. So much meh and performance and servitude. It really chimes with my own growing discomfort with heteronormativity. Also got the audio book and Sofie’s accent is really charming and cute which was nice to listen to.

[Else · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book will made you cry and you will laugh and think A LOT about yourself.
i was gifted with an early proof of the book and loved every bit. i often stopped and think abou myself, my past and how i see things.
sofie wrote a challenging book (thinking about your (sexual/gender) experiences is hard!), but it also feels like i'm chatting with sofie about their opinions, life and experiences, so it wasn't a "hard read" and i enjoyed every minute.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

@my goodread friends don't worry the title does not apply personally lol it's not a self help book it's just Sofie Hagen's new memoir on sex, celibacy and fatness

[Odeya Toivanen · Rating 5 out of 5]

oon päättänyt, että annan viisi tähteä sellaisille kirjoille, jotka liikuttaa mussa jotain merkittävää. tää kirja onnistui tekemään niin (mun kameran rullassa olevat noin kymmenen kuvaa kirjan sivuista paljastaa sen).

lähestyin tätä kirjaa uumoillen, että tässä käsitellään seksin harrastamattomuutta huomioiden useat näkökulmat, kuten yhteiskunnallinen, sosiaalinen ja henkilökohtainen, ja siinä olin oikeassa. mutta on tässä muutakin: kirja käsittelee seksin harrastamattomuuden taustasyiden lisäksi myös kirjailijan henkistä matkaa seksin ja intiimin läheisyyden parissa.

oon itse huomannut usein pohtivani samanlaisia teemoja kuin mihin tässä kirjassa paneuduttiin. erittäin puhuttelevia ajatuksia olivat mm. pohdinta turvallisuudentunteen ja halun heräämisen suhteesta, sukupuolen kokemuksen tutkailu, ajatus siitä ettei seksittömyys ole maineensa mukainen onnettomuus ja miten seksuaalisuuden tutkailu vaatii turvan tunnetta myös yksin ollessa.

pidin siitä, miten Sofie Hagen käsittelee vaikeaa ja usein maton alle lakaistua aihealuetta rehellisesti kirjoittaen myös todella vaietuista asioista.

mä suosittelen tätä kirjaa jokaiselle, joka kaipaa työkalua oman seksuaalisuutensa käsittelemiseen ja henkilökohtaisen suhtautumisensa seksin merkityksestä sekä seksikeskeisyydestä yhteiskunnassa ja omassa elämässä.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this. I listened to the audio version so it was great to hear Sofie read it. it felt full of care and honesty. some of it felt quietly kind of revolutionary and made me so sad about just how badly we fail at sex and relationship education. there was one bit where she was talking about not just ongoing consent but also being able to know for yourself and discuss your boundaries within sex and that just made me realise how far away we are from being a society that's in anyway responsible about sex.

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book about sex funny in parts but looks at the authors sex life or lack and attitudes to sex generally

[Annamaria · Rating 5 out of 5]

9.00 = 5*

[Louisa Beckett · Rating 2 out of 5]

The way the author explained things felt quite condescending and patronising. I ended up just getting annoyed and finding myself disengaged. Perhaps I would’ve enjoyed it more if I hadn’t listened to it as an audiobook, who knows!

[Marlene Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

ein tiefgreifende blick auf unsere gesellschaft als ganzes, sexualität, gender-identity und das mensch sein

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Writing a review for a book as deeply personal as this one is challenging, as any critique I may have to offer is tempered by the respect I have for Sofie for creating something so unflinchingly honest. This book did not necessarily resonate with me in the way that their first book, Happy Fat, did, though in a sense it does not feel designed to, it is not a manifesto but a window into a journey that Sofie is undertaking into better understanding their various relationships: with themself, their body, with sex, with others, as well as how those relationships can intersect with and impact one another. In that sense, I again highlight that it feels almost a privilege to witness such a thing as it necessitates a vulnerability on Sofie's part that I know I could never hope to emulate. We the reader are invited to question and reframe our own experiences in much the same way Sofie does, and there is value in something that prompts such a response.

With that being said, there were parts where I was left wanting more. Each of the friends or experts they spoke to were fascinating, and I would have liked for longer sections from almost all of them. Therefore, at times the balance felt off to me, though Hagen is such an engaging writer that they seemed to pull it off anyway.

3.75 Stars rounded up to 4


Recommendations
For more of Sofie Hagen the obvious recommendation is their other book, Happy Fat: Taking Up Space in a World That Wants to Shrink You. An engaging combination of memoir and social commentary that delivers meticulous research and evidence without ever compromising on humour, I cannot recommend it enough.

If it was the incredibly in-depth examination of a person's relationship with, well, relationships, that appealed to you, then Three Women by Lisa Taddeo uses almost a decade of research to tell the true story of three unrelated American women and their sex lives.

For another book by a stand-up comedien that focuses on related topics in a similar way, you could look at Sex Power Money by Sara Pascoe.

[Fiona Dale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raced through this. This book prompts you to stop and reflect on your own experiences and your relationship with yourself and others. It's funny and serious and sad and thoughtful. It's also such a beautiful exploration of queerness, intimacy and community.

[Holly Wedgwood · Rating 2 out of 5]

50% flimsily explaining other people’s genuinely interesting research / 50% really just to justify that they engaged in sex with men who they knew had partners

[Emma (howlsmovinglibrary) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've made a concerted effort to read books based on recommendations from friends this year, after doing so in April broke the string of extremely mid books I'd read up until that point. This is the first time I've gone for one of the recs that was so extremely outside of my usual tastes - I don't tend to read non-fiction, memoirs, or self help, and it feels like this book lives somewhere in one or more of those three categories.

It came strongly recommended however, so I gave it a go!

I really enjoyed this. I don't necessarily felt like I learned anything or was radically changed (so, maybe not self help). But what I did get from this was, essentially, the literary equivalent of having a really deep, soul-searching conversation with a close friend in their kitchen at 2am (so, maybe more memoir). I found the writing style very personable and engaging, I found myself reflecting back on what Hagen was talking about after I closed the book, and I felt like I'd benefitted from the experience afterwards, though I can't articulate how. It was honestly a fun and maybe even rewarding read, in a way I wasn't expecting or didn't know how to expect!

[Victoria White · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’d heard a lot about this book and seen it on a couple of online book clubs.
The premise is great and Sofie makes some excellent points and interviews interesting people. I particularly liked the ‘sexy body/sexy mind’ thought. Listening to her narrate her journey of trying to find out what sex is was very interesting. I did find some chapters a bit boring.
Audio book was great as read by the author.
It’s a good book to make you think and open up a great discussion - I think it could be lots of different things for different people.

[Speedyfat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Coup de cœur de cette année ! Le livre-documentaire parfait, où l'auteurice se confie sur ses expériences sexuelles passées avec beaucoup de vulnérabilité et d'authenticité. C'est un réel bonheur de pouvoir voir qu'il y a des expériences universellement partagées. J’ai très hâte de lire mes surlignages!!
J’ai réellement dévoré ce livre, qui sans prétention et avec beaucoup d'humilité, nous apprend tellement de choses sur des sujets différents.
J’ai dû me forcer à ralentir pour l'apprécier pleinement et ne pas le finir trop vite!!
5/5

[Lucy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up on audible because it had bonus content with Sara Pascoe love of my life and I’ll read anything with her name on, now I think I’d pick something up if it had Sofie Hagan’s name on it too

[Loulou Van · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beetje basic, maar exactly what I needed to read right now <3

[jasminks · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5 ⭐️