Done: How to Flourish After Leaving Religion

by Daryl R. Van Tongeren

This book draws from cutting-edge psychological research to provide advice for people who are undergoing religious change. Americans today are leaving religion in record numbers. For many, the faith, practices, and institutions that once provided comfort and guidance no longer fit their beliefs and values. This shift often comes with a price, however. While turning away from religion can bring about freedom, awe, and wonder, it can also engender a profound loss of meaning, purpose, community, and identity. It can threaten our relationships with friends and family. And it can pose a significant challenge to the mental health of even the most resilient among us.     How can people who are no longer served by traditional religion find new meaning and purpose? How can they process the grief that often accompanies religious or spiritual change? And how can they address challenging interpersonal relationships with people who do not support or understand their religious change? In this book, psychologist Daryl Van Tongeren draws from psychological theories and research to examine the emotional and social processes involved with religious change and offers science-based guidance for building a new life—with or without religion.   If you are rethinking your religious beliefs, have experienced religious loss or struggle, or have undergone a significant religious change, you are not alone. By understanding how people before us have left or transformed their religion, we can discover new ways of finding peace, experiencing meaning, and, if desired, engaging with the transcendent. Let their wisdom—and this book—be your guide.

Genres: Religion, Nonfiction, Self Help, Spirituality

227 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2024

Reviews

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A non-emotional, research-based description of the two directions people go after leaving a religion or religious experience: atheism or total faith reconstruction. It highlights key steps in the process including concepts like “religious residue” and ultimately ends with the conclusion that a deep sense of humility (including acceptance of your strengths & weaknesses, keeping your ego in check & considering others) is the way to maintain relationships moving forward. If a reader is undergoing reconstruction, this book does not give a lot of tools for supporting that process but it does provide high level awareness about potential pitfalls in that process.

[Tami · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is just what I needed. It cites studies and surveys about those who are religious, those who have left religion, and those who were never religious. It goes into the psychological processes of why some people need religion, what people go through during their religious deconstruction, how to understand each other better, how to work through the discomfort of leaving your faith, and how to build a life after.
It can be helpful for those who are religious who have family or friends that have left their religion.
It can be helpful for those who grew up secular and want to better understand their religious or ex-religious friends.
It is definitely helpful for those of us who have undergone a religious deconstruction.

[Camden Morgante · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love a book that translates psychological research and concepts into practical knowledge for a general audience! This is a more academic and objective book on deconstruction/deconversion so it has less practical tips and tools than others. But the research on why people leave and how religion sticks to us explains so much. The second half of the book addresses ways to flourish after religion, such as tackling existential questions, identity, relationships, and spirituality. I appreciated that the author acknowledged the good/healthy parts of religion too, and the harmful parts of deconstruction (existential chasm). Less prescriptive than descriptive, this book will give language to your experience and help you rebuild a meaningful life with or without religion.

[Mike Readsbooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I wish I had when my religious deconstruction started. Highly recommend for anyone on the journey, or anyone who wants to better understand the things facing someone going through religious deconstruction or deconversion.

[Mitch Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have an interest in this subject and this book is absolutely the best book I have read. Dr. Van Tongeren applied his objective professional training, research, and personal experiences to communicate an objective analysis of the decline in religion.
I highly recommend.

[Andrew Vanover · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quotes
Their old ways of being religious simply weren’t working. 8
How can people who are no longer served by traditional religion craft a flourishing and meaningful life? 11

Four Horsemen 20
Cultural stagnation
Religious trauma
Simplistic views of suffering
The problematic label

• Cultural stagnation-many people report undergoing a progressive shift (e.g., outgrowing their religion), including people who were raised in conservative religious homes but have become more liberal and progressive over time and no longer feel as though their beliefs "ft";
• Religious trauma-many others report a traumatic exit from religion (e.g., pointing to religious trauma), including those people who suffered a personal or religious trauma and no longer want to be associated with religion or religious individuals;
• Simplistic views of suffering-some reported unresolved suffering (e.g., indicated they experienced significant adversity) and were unable to make sense of personal adversity or suffering in light of what they had been taught about God or the divine; and
• A problematic label-some described leaving religion because they did not want that identity label or because of social pressure (e.g., a community that was unwelcoming or a partner who was nonreligious).

Cognitive dissonance is common to all four 31

Who stays and who leaves? 38
Degree of discrepancy experienced between beliefs and reality
Severity of trauma endured
Style of holding belief - rigidly or flexibly
Personality or demographics

Meaning involves…
Coherence - cognitive part. Describes the feeling when things make sense.
Significance - social part. Describes the feeling of mattering.
Purpose - motivational part. Feeling of having a goal or connection with something larger than ourselves. 109

Existential chasm 125
Existential distress tolerance 131
Everyone is religious 140

So the trade-offs appear to be clear: The sure safety and certainty of security-focused beliefs offer us psychological benefits but can lead to interpersonal defensiveness and intolerance, whereas the openness of growth-focused beliefs provides greater latitude to engage with and learn from those who are different, but at the cost of existential and psychological wellbeing. 150

Awe and dread are really two sides of the same coin. 162

Many still desire a lasting trust in something greater than themselves or deep interactions with the transcendent. They want more. 190
Religion as a quest - marked by doubt more than certainty, questions more than answers, and an evolution rather than a constancy. 197

[Linda · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although advertised as part of an APA LifeTools Series, this book is hardly a "life tool." The subtitle, "How to Flourish After Leaving Religion' is also inaccurate as it does not offer any real strategies for flourishing. This is a cold, dry sociological survey full of statistics and diagrams that basically leaves the reader unhelped. A scholarly analysis of the problems of those who leave religion is not the same as an actual solution. I'm not sure what I was expecting to learn here but if I knew the answer to that I probably wouldn't have felt the need to buy a book on the subject! The author divides reasons for leaving into categories (cutely nicknamed "The Four Horsemen") and then offers alternative responses that different people had (return to their original starting place, change things up a bit to make their faith more palatable, give everything up to join a nonreligious group, devote oneself to social change, etc.) I have no quarrel with the author's qualifications or research, but I wanted actual help and "Choose Your Own Adventure" is hardly a profound tool for "flourishing." I kept reading long past the point where I had any hope that this book would be helpful because the author described a real tragedy in his own life that ruined his faith and I felt I owed him some attention, but after a while I stopped caring. I am sorry the author's brother died, but I don't contribute to Go Fund Mes for strangers and I would not have bought this if I'd realized reading it would be a waste of my time and money. I am posting this review to keep other potential readers from making my mistake.

[Jamie Newman · Rating 3 out of 5]

0 stars for writing
1 star for premise
1 star for research quality
.5 stars for impact
0 stars for personal taste

Ok, so as a therapist-this didn't provide me with a whole lot of ideas for assisting folks. HOWEVER, this would definitely be the book I'd encourage people to read if they're parting ways with their religion! Also, I could definitely see things about myself and my own departure from religion here and it was VERY helpful to see those things mapped out. There were quite a few "THAT'S WHY I DO THAT," moments. Overall, a great read for someone working through their relationship with religion.

[Adam Zuwerink · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes a book comes along at the exact time you needed it and gives a broader context to the things you are feeling. This book is presented as an extended social science research project based on objective surveys of why people change their religious views, which is much needed in a space mostly filled with author's subjective views. Not that there's anything wrong with personal narratives, it was just nice to have a different, larger picture perspective.

[Lacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this insightful and well-researched book on the growing group of people who've left religion and still find deep meaning in a well-lived life.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful. An academic-ish book that can put one’s struggles with religion into perspective.

[preston · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read countless memoirs on spiritual deconstruction from the ex-evangelical Christian perspective, so it was refreshing to find a book that utilizes actual scientific research to examine why people leave religion, as well as how our brains process the transition.

The section on "Religious Residue" was especially informative, as anyone who has left religion altogether or even deconstructed to a less-rigid form of spirituality knows that the shadow of religion never truly leaves. As Dr. Van Tongeren points out, people often completely change their beliefs when they leave religion, yet they may hold onto their new beliefs in a similar fashion as to the old beliefs, such as when an ex-fundamental Christian turns to liberal politics but holds their new beliefs with the same level of certainty and narrow-mindedness as they formerly held their religious beliefs.

Fortunately, although this book courageously explores the anxiety of what the author calls the "existential chasm," he also takes a hopeful angle in the second half of the book, providing guidance on how post-religious people can still find meaning, an identity, and community without having to take part in religious systems.

I would also note that although this book is geared toward those who have left or are leaving religion, the author's tone toward both religion and those who have been hurt by religion is very gracious. This book is not anti-religion in any sense but is simply meant to help those who have found religious systems to be harmful or otherwise unhelpful for various reasons.

Regardless of where someone is at in their deconstruction, reconstruction, or complete abandonment of religion, anyone who grew up in a high-control religious setting will find illuminating insights and practical guidance in this book for moving forward with hope and the tools to flourish.