What do you think?
Rate this book
EXODAI: A Shockingly Honest Memoir of Love, Obsession and Torture
“Brave, compelling, remarkable.” Richard Moriarty – The Sun
“Brutal, vivid, electrifying.” Chris Riches – Daily Express
◆ WINNER of the 12TH ANNUAL WRITER'S DIGEST AWARDS for NARRATIVE NON-FICTION
◆ WINNER of the 2025 INDEPENDENT PRESS AWARDS for SEXUALITY
◆ WINNER of the 18th NATIONAL INDIE EXCELLENCE AWARDS for SEXUALITY
◆ FINALIST in the 18th NATIONAL INDIE EXCELLENCE AWARDS for LGBTQIA NON-FICTION
◆ FINALIST in the 2024 INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS for LGBTQ+ NON-FICTION
◆ FINALIST in the 2024 READERS' FAVORITE BOOK AWARDS for NON-FICTION - LGBTQ
◆ FINALIST in the 2024 NEXT GENERATION INDIE BOOK AWARDS for BEST BOOK COVER DESIGN
"Tonight, I am going to be tortured for the woman I love …"
Elizabeth’s drives and desires have always been unusual. Beginning in early childhood, her need for love and suffering took her from the prim surroundings of a Norfolk girls’ school to the secret, latex-clad, rope-bound, whip-lashed delights of the Tokyo BDSM scene.
For Elizabeth, torture was not about sexual gratification – it was about love. In this frank and open memoir, she tells the story of a remarkable personal journey. Attracted to other girls from an early age, Elizabeth struggled to come to terms with her sexuality. As a schoolgirl, her fantasies of torture – always for the benefit of whichever girl she was in love with – were rooted in her own inability to accept herself as a lesbian or reconcile her desires with her Christian beliefs. Before finally realising that connection, Elizabeth would go through years of emotional and physical pain.
Having experimented with bondage at university, Elizabeth discovered S&M when her career as a high-flying headhunter took her to Tokyo. There she was inducted into the BDSM scene and learnt what real S&M was all about. When she fell in love with a gorgeous Japanese dominatrix called Tomo and became her slave, she began a descent into hell. Tomo proved to be an irredeemable sadist who took torture far beyond the accepted limits of S&M. Elizabeth went to the brink of destruction for Tomo. Not for the faint-hearted, this gripping memoir describes what she experienced there and how she found her way back.
TRIGGER WARNING: this book contains graphic descriptions of real-life BDSM and sadistic torture.
“Brutal, vivid, electrifying.” Chris Riches – Daily Express
◆ WINNER of the 12TH ANNUAL WRITER'S DIGEST AWARDS for NARRATIVE NON-FICTION
◆ WINNER of the 2025 INDEPENDENT PRESS AWARDS for SEXUALITY
◆ WINNER of the 18th NATIONAL INDIE EXCELLENCE AWARDS for SEXUALITY
◆ FINALIST in the 18th NATIONAL INDIE EXCELLENCE AWARDS for LGBTQIA NON-FICTION
◆ FINALIST in the 2024 INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS for LGBTQ+ NON-FICTION
◆ FINALIST in the 2024 READERS' FAVORITE BOOK AWARDS for NON-FICTION - LGBTQ
◆ FINALIST in the 2024 NEXT GENERATION INDIE BOOK AWARDS for BEST BOOK COVER DESIGN
"Tonight, I am going to be tortured for the woman I love …"
Elizabeth’s drives and desires have always been unusual. Beginning in early childhood, her need for love and suffering took her from the prim surroundings of a Norfolk girls’ school to the secret, latex-clad, rope-bound, whip-lashed delights of the Tokyo BDSM scene.
For Elizabeth, torture was not about sexual gratification – it was about love. In this frank and open memoir, she tells the story of a remarkable personal journey. Attracted to other girls from an early age, Elizabeth struggled to come to terms with her sexuality. As a schoolgirl, her fantasies of torture – always for the benefit of whichever girl she was in love with – were rooted in her own inability to accept herself as a lesbian or reconcile her desires with her Christian beliefs. Before finally realising that connection, Elizabeth would go through years of emotional and physical pain.
Having experimented with bondage at university, Elizabeth discovered S&M when her career as a high-flying headhunter took her to Tokyo. There she was inducted into the BDSM scene and learnt what real S&M was all about. When she fell in love with a gorgeous Japanese dominatrix called Tomo and became her slave, she began a descent into hell. Tomo proved to be an irredeemable sadist who took torture far beyond the accepted limits of S&M. Elizabeth went to the brink of destruction for Tomo. Not for the faint-hearted, this gripping memoir describes what she experienced there and how she found her way back.
TRIGGER WARNING: this book contains graphic descriptions of real-life BDSM and sadistic torture.
- GenresMemoirNonfiction
343 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 19, 2023
37 people are currently reading
112 people want to read
About the author
Elizabeth Hendrick
1 book15 followersEXODAI is the first memoir ELIZABETH HENDRICK has published. She was compelled to write about her struggles with her sexuality and narrate the story of how she eventually learnt to love herself, placing particular emphasis on her S&M relationship with a Japanese dominatrix. Elizabeth believes her story will be of value not just to LGBTQ+ and BDSM communities, but to all individuals who have been ostracised during their adolescence and whose lack of self-love is sabotaging their adult lives. It’s also an intriguing peek behind the curtain of Tokyo’s exotic and sometimes shocking BDSM underworld.
ELIZABETH HENDRICK was born and raised in East Anglia. She graduated in mathematics from Durham University in 1994 and began a career in financial services in London. In 2004, she left finance to enter the risky world of entrepreneurial start-ups. During her first project to launch a film magazine, she developed the practice of keeping a diary of events. It was her cathartic response to dealing with the stress of heading up an underfunded start-up. Since then, she has kept records and written memoirs covering all her remarkable life experiences, including being a contestant on a reality TV show in 2007. After four fateful years as an entrepreneur, Elizabeth returned to financial services. Then in 2016, she left the corporate world altogether and moved into the education sector. Over the course of her life, she has lived and worked in London, Paris, Tokyo, and Dubai. She currently works and resides in Tokyo, and she doesn’t stop writing!
ELIZABETH HENDRICK is the author pen name for ELIZABETH HACKFORD. The pen name, Elizabeth Hendrick, was adopted in November 2023.
NB: EXODAI was originally published under the name Elizabeth Hackford.
ELIZABETH HENDRICK was born and raised in East Anglia. She graduated in mathematics from Durham University in 1994 and began a career in financial services in London. In 2004, she left finance to enter the risky world of entrepreneurial start-ups. During her first project to launch a film magazine, she developed the practice of keeping a diary of events. It was her cathartic response to dealing with the stress of heading up an underfunded start-up. Since then, she has kept records and written memoirs covering all her remarkable life experiences, including being a contestant on a reality TV show in 2007. After four fateful years as an entrepreneur, Elizabeth returned to financial services. Then in 2016, she left the corporate world altogether and moved into the education sector. Over the course of her life, she has lived and worked in London, Paris, Tokyo, and Dubai. She currently works and resides in Tokyo, and she doesn’t stop writing!
ELIZABETH HENDRICK is the author pen name for ELIZABETH HACKFORD. The pen name, Elizabeth Hendrick, was adopted in November 2023.
NB: EXODAI was originally published under the name Elizabeth Hackford.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews
June 7, 2023
In this age of self-awareness, memoir is a popular genre. Yet, as every individual is unique, so is their life story, and this author’s probably more than most. She writes with unflinching honesty, style, and a complete absence of self-pity about her coming-outs, firstly as a lesbian, and secondly as an adept of BDSM. Neither realisation is easy to accept, especially with a Christian upbringing. Nor are those easy topics to write about, especially when one is baring one’s soul to unknown and potentially judgmental readers. We follow her lesbian début and her entry into the lifestyle, in various countries, mostly in Japan, which gives us an glimpse of how much kink as a subculture is present there. Spoiler: quite a lot! If this was not enough, or too mundane, the author opens up on one of the great taboos of kink – when is BDSM not BDSM, but real torture/ sadism. How far should an individual submit to another one, and for what reasons? Most of us struggle with limits, how to set them, and how to make others respect them. We therefore empathise with the author’s struggles, and cannot fail to admire her resilience. In fact, I’m eagerly waiting for a sequel explaining how she rebuilt herself after her ordeal.
If that wasn’t enough, she writes very elegantly and these memoirs are a delight to read, if one can say that for a book about trauma.
If that wasn’t enough, she writes very elegantly and these memoirs are a delight to read, if one can say that for a book about trauma.
January 28, 2024
This is a starkly honest account of one woman’s journey in the world of BDSM.
It is so much more than the story of one woman’s experience with BDSM — it is an in-depth chronicle of Elizabeth’s journey from her early attraction to physical restraint and fantasies of rescuing people in need to discovering her fulfilment as a submissive. She tests many physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual boundaries in her relationships.
Elizabeth lives through many inner and external conflicts. One of the first is realising she is attracted to other women. Throughout the book, she describes her relationship with her Christian faith and how her sexuality is often at odds with religion. However, she eventually finds harmony between the two, for example when: “I put in an appearance at the choir’s Christmas party, before disappearing into one of the chapel restrooms to put on my costume for Mark’s party.”
This book is fascinating, narrating experiences, thoughts and even specific dreams in vivid detail. It is mostly chronological with some foreshadowing and it keeps up a fast, captivating pace. It is a deeply personal, intimate work.
Due to the way Elizabeth covers spirituality and sexuality, I think this book would appeal to many people, even those with no interest in BDSM.
It is so much more than the story of one woman’s experience with BDSM — it is an in-depth chronicle of Elizabeth’s journey from her early attraction to physical restraint and fantasies of rescuing people in need to discovering her fulfilment as a submissive. She tests many physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual boundaries in her relationships.
Elizabeth lives through many inner and external conflicts. One of the first is realising she is attracted to other women. Throughout the book, she describes her relationship with her Christian faith and how her sexuality is often at odds with religion. However, she eventually finds harmony between the two, for example when: “I put in an appearance at the choir’s Christmas party, before disappearing into one of the chapel restrooms to put on my costume for Mark’s party.”
This book is fascinating, narrating experiences, thoughts and even specific dreams in vivid detail. It is mostly chronological with some foreshadowing and it keeps up a fast, captivating pace. It is a deeply personal, intimate work.
Due to the way Elizabeth covers spirituality and sexuality, I think this book would appeal to many people, even those with no interest in BDSM.
January 23, 2024
Whenever I read a memoir or non-fiction book, I tend to read them slower than fiction and I am probably not in the minority when I say this. However, when I started reading Exodai, all of a sudden it was 2 hours later and I was halfway through. This is probably one of my favourites.
This book follows Elizabeth's life as a Christian, coming to terms with her sexuality which didn't align with the Christian values. She then discovers the world of BDSM in Tokyo. The novel runs much deeper and at times my heart ached.
There is a lot of discovery, self-reflection, realisation and it felt very eye-opening to me. Elizabeth poses the question of, where is the line? When does BDSM stop being BDSM and be real torture and how to do you know if you are submitting for the right reasons? The relationship with Tomo was hard to read.
This is such a brutally honest memoir with a lot of thought provoking and emotional aspects. It takes a lot to share a story like this so openly and publicly, thank you for sharing it with us, Elizabeth.
This book follows Elizabeth's life as a Christian, coming to terms with her sexuality which didn't align with the Christian values. She then discovers the world of BDSM in Tokyo. The novel runs much deeper and at times my heart ached.
There is a lot of discovery, self-reflection, realisation and it felt very eye-opening to me. Elizabeth poses the question of, where is the line? When does BDSM stop being BDSM and be real torture and how to do you know if you are submitting for the right reasons? The relationship with Tomo was hard to read.
This is such a brutally honest memoir with a lot of thought provoking and emotional aspects. It takes a lot to share a story like this so openly and publicly, thank you for sharing it with us, Elizabeth.
August 29, 2023
Exodai serves as a gateway to an incredibly raw telling of a lived experience so far from societal norms as to be as engrossing as it is emotive.
This memoir is not for the faint of heart or those readers who may struggle with depictions of extreme BDSM scenes. This is not fiction and therefore don't expect to find your vanilla or mainstream take on BDSM. The content of this book far surpasses erotica, verging on outright torture and abuse at times; the truthfulness of the author has produced a shockingly riveting memoir that is beautiful in its honesty.
To fully appreciate the vulnerability and willingness displayed by the author to share her experience, this book needs to be approached with an open heart and mind, leaving judgment outside the front cover. What awaits inside is not always easy to read, it might even at times seem ludicrous to a passive bystander, but the author's experience is a consequence of being an outcast for her sexual orientation from an early age.
At its core, the book is a personal, real and very human journey that serves as a brutal reminder of what a lack of self-love and self-acceptance can do to one's psyche. Creating a covert mentality of self-sabotage that spans the passage of time and clearly in the case of the author leads to a life of searching for acceptance.
I think many readers will be surprised by this memoir, as it isn't what most will likely expect having read the back jacket blurb. It is Elizabeth's story of self-discovery and her journey to realise that self-worth and loving oneself cannot be found at the feet of a dominant no matter how far one pushes the boundaries to serve and please. Those things come from within and in sharing her journey Elizabeth also shares her strength in surviving her experiences and reaching a place of peace whereby she can begin to accept all the parts of who she is; her sexuality, her religious beliefs, and her sexual preferences. The road may have been long and torturous but this is who she is. And it's more than okay.
If you enjoy memoirs or are looking for a moving and unique read I'd highly recommend Exodai. It is a compelling story of an intense lived experience and whilst it does heavily depict the Tokyo BDSM/fetish/kink underworld, the crux of this memoir is that it is not a BDSM story. It is so, so much more than that, and Elizabeth's courage in sharing her story is worth every single second of your time.
I received an arc of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review.
This memoir is not for the faint of heart or those readers who may struggle with depictions of extreme BDSM scenes. This is not fiction and therefore don't expect to find your vanilla or mainstream take on BDSM. The content of this book far surpasses erotica, verging on outright torture and abuse at times; the truthfulness of the author has produced a shockingly riveting memoir that is beautiful in its honesty.
To fully appreciate the vulnerability and willingness displayed by the author to share her experience, this book needs to be approached with an open heart and mind, leaving judgment outside the front cover. What awaits inside is not always easy to read, it might even at times seem ludicrous to a passive bystander, but the author's experience is a consequence of being an outcast for her sexual orientation from an early age.
At its core, the book is a personal, real and very human journey that serves as a brutal reminder of what a lack of self-love and self-acceptance can do to one's psyche. Creating a covert mentality of self-sabotage that spans the passage of time and clearly in the case of the author leads to a life of searching for acceptance.
I think many readers will be surprised by this memoir, as it isn't what most will likely expect having read the back jacket blurb. It is Elizabeth's story of self-discovery and her journey to realise that self-worth and loving oneself cannot be found at the feet of a dominant no matter how far one pushes the boundaries to serve and please. Those things come from within and in sharing her journey Elizabeth also shares her strength in surviving her experiences and reaching a place of peace whereby she can begin to accept all the parts of who she is; her sexuality, her religious beliefs, and her sexual preferences. The road may have been long and torturous but this is who she is. And it's more than okay.
If you enjoy memoirs or are looking for a moving and unique read I'd highly recommend Exodai. It is a compelling story of an intense lived experience and whilst it does heavily depict the Tokyo BDSM/fetish/kink underworld, the crux of this memoir is that it is not a BDSM story. It is so, so much more than that, and Elizabeth's courage in sharing her story is worth every single second of your time.
I received an arc of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review.
September 21, 2023
Wow, Wow, Wow!!
OMG what a thoroughly emotive and thought provoking insight into the life of a woman who should probably not still be living and breathing after everything she has endured in her life! I just could not put it down and read it in one sitting.
The memoir comes with a trigger warning and rightly so. The abuse, because that’s what it was after all, even if it was dressed up as a consensual dominant/slave relationship, was absolutely brutal. Even though I found the violent acts extremely difficult to read, I struggled more with the emotional attachment I developed for Elizabeth. I couldn’t feel her physical pain, however, the descriptive way the scenes unfolded on the page had me hurting for her even before any pain was inflicted upon her. I felt for and wanted to console her when she was ignored or cast aside. I wanted to scream at her to leave such a toxic relationship or scream at her abuser to realise she had reached her limits and to leave her alone.
My heart broke for Elizabeth on so many occasions as I tried, along with her, to understand and figure out if this was indeed where and how she was supposed to live her life. Two sayings came to mind as I finished this memoir, forgive me if the wording isn’t quite right. “God never gives us more than we can handle” and “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Elizabeth has probably endured more than most people would in multiple lifetimes. She frequently sought guidance from her priests throughout this journey and she has made it out the other side stronger for what she has endured. Strong enough to write and publish her memoir and therefore very publicly expose her self and her life in a very graphic and brutally honest way. She has effectively left herself wide open to criticism, abuse and hurt all over again and I applaud her for it.
I’m a lesbian, who was in the school and church choir, did readings and was a cantor at mass. I was also bullied at school for being gay, even before I admitted it to myself and came out, age 23. This is one of the best books I have ever read, and the emotional impact will remain with me for a very long time if not forever. I encourage you to read it with an open heart and mind.
OMG what a thoroughly emotive and thought provoking insight into the life of a woman who should probably not still be living and breathing after everything she has endured in her life! I just could not put it down and read it in one sitting.
The memoir comes with a trigger warning and rightly so. The abuse, because that’s what it was after all, even if it was dressed up as a consensual dominant/slave relationship, was absolutely brutal. Even though I found the violent acts extremely difficult to read, I struggled more with the emotional attachment I developed for Elizabeth. I couldn’t feel her physical pain, however, the descriptive way the scenes unfolded on the page had me hurting for her even before any pain was inflicted upon her. I felt for and wanted to console her when she was ignored or cast aside. I wanted to scream at her to leave such a toxic relationship or scream at her abuser to realise she had reached her limits and to leave her alone.
My heart broke for Elizabeth on so many occasions as I tried, along with her, to understand and figure out if this was indeed where and how she was supposed to live her life. Two sayings came to mind as I finished this memoir, forgive me if the wording isn’t quite right. “God never gives us more than we can handle” and “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Elizabeth has probably endured more than most people would in multiple lifetimes. She frequently sought guidance from her priests throughout this journey and she has made it out the other side stronger for what she has endured. Strong enough to write and publish her memoir and therefore very publicly expose her self and her life in a very graphic and brutally honest way. She has effectively left herself wide open to criticism, abuse and hurt all over again and I applaud her for it.
I’m a lesbian, who was in the school and church choir, did readings and was a cantor at mass. I was also bullied at school for being gay, even before I admitted it to myself and came out, age 23. This is one of the best books I have ever read, and the emotional impact will remain with me for a very long time if not forever. I encourage you to read it with an open heart and mind.
January 14, 2024
Trigger warning: this book contains graphic descriptions of real life BDSM and sadistic torture.
Exodai is a brutally honest and compelling memoir about one woman’s search to find herself. It is fascinating and terrifying in equal measure.
Elizabeth Hendricks bares all in this disturbing and moving insight into her life as a lesbian, the world of BDSM, torture and ultimately her own psyche. Hendrick’s writing is frank, elegant and engaging and she avoids self-indulgence. This book is her brutal truth without embellishment or apology.
Hendricks takes the reader from her early awakenings as a lesbian (there is a great deal of internalised homophobia due to her Christian upbringing and personal beliefs) to her initiation and immersion into the world of BDSM. The descriptions of her life as a submissive avoid titillation and sensationalism, instead she educates the uninitiated reader into hardcore S/M.
This book will not be for everyone and the links the author draws between Christianity and the rapture she discovers through complete submission, pain and domination will undoubtedly offend the faint hearted or prudish. It is, however, an honest portrayal of mental health, obsession, faith and ultimately the search for human connection and self-acceptance.
The memoir ends quite abruptly and, having travelled on both Hendrick’s spiritual and S/M journey to the point of her enlightenment, I cannot wait for the next instalment of her life to see how she rebuilds herself.
Exodai is a brutally honest and compelling memoir about one woman’s search to find herself. It is fascinating and terrifying in equal measure.
Elizabeth Hendricks bares all in this disturbing and moving insight into her life as a lesbian, the world of BDSM, torture and ultimately her own psyche. Hendrick’s writing is frank, elegant and engaging and she avoids self-indulgence. This book is her brutal truth without embellishment or apology.
Hendricks takes the reader from her early awakenings as a lesbian (there is a great deal of internalised homophobia due to her Christian upbringing and personal beliefs) to her initiation and immersion into the world of BDSM. The descriptions of her life as a submissive avoid titillation and sensationalism, instead she educates the uninitiated reader into hardcore S/M.
This book will not be for everyone and the links the author draws between Christianity and the rapture she discovers through complete submission, pain and domination will undoubtedly offend the faint hearted or prudish. It is, however, an honest portrayal of mental health, obsession, faith and ultimately the search for human connection and self-acceptance.
The memoir ends quite abruptly and, having travelled on both Hendrick’s spiritual and S/M journey to the point of her enlightenment, I cannot wait for the next instalment of her life to see how she rebuilds herself.
November 20, 2023
Exodai by Elizabeth Hendrick is unlike anything I'd ever read before. Described as a "shockingly honest memoir of love, obsession, and torture", the book delivers.
Hendrick gives us a well-articulated narrative of her life, from growing up as a deeply Christian girl scared that her tendency towards females made her evil to a tortured young woman with no self preservation to an independent, emotionally aware individual who has learned to love herself.
As the tortured young woman phase of the narrative takes the most space in this book, I highly encourage reading the trigger warnings prior to picking it up. While I personally found this memoir to be a work of art, it's certainly not for the faint of heart. At several points I found myself nauseous from the pure amount of pain our protagonist was in, but nothing was done cheaply or out of pocket. I found myself consistently right alongside Elizabeth, understanding her choices and feelings even despite the doubts I had about my ability to empathize with who I originally believed to be a pure masochist.
Elizabeth surprises the reader and herself throughout, providing a level of honesty and self awareness that blew me away. I would say to anyone who thinks that they can deal with the trigger warnings: go read this book.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Elizabeth Hendrick for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review!
Hendrick gives us a well-articulated narrative of her life, from growing up as a deeply Christian girl scared that her tendency towards females made her evil to a tortured young woman with no self preservation to an independent, emotionally aware individual who has learned to love herself.
As the tortured young woman phase of the narrative takes the most space in this book, I highly encourage reading the trigger warnings prior to picking it up. While I personally found this memoir to be a work of art, it's certainly not for the faint of heart. At several points I found myself nauseous from the pure amount of pain our protagonist was in, but nothing was done cheaply or out of pocket. I found myself consistently right alongside Elizabeth, understanding her choices and feelings even despite the doubts I had about my ability to empathize with who I originally believed to be a pure masochist.
Elizabeth surprises the reader and herself throughout, providing a level of honesty and self awareness that blew me away. I would say to anyone who thinks that they can deal with the trigger warnings: go read this book.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Elizabeth Hendrick for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review!
November 20, 2023
A beautiful, brave, and unabashedly candid retelling of Hendrick's descent into the realm of BDSM.
There are a lot of polarizing subjects in this book: religion, abuse, and a lifestyle choice (BDSM) that most people are unfamiliar with. This will likely be a hard book for readers who don't have some sort of familiarity with BDSM. But for anyone who is or has been in the lifestyle, this book will definitely resonate.
The first half of the book does a great job of capturing the awe, wonder, and exhilaration one feels when discovering the world of BDSM—a frenzied fever dream of erotic decadence. But this book also explores what can happen when two emotionally unstable people practice the intimate and intense forms of power exchange that can be part of the lifestyle.
Raw and riveting. A book of self-discovery and a cautionary tale. One of the best memoirs I've read.
There are a lot of polarizing subjects in this book: religion, abuse, and a lifestyle choice (BDSM) that most people are unfamiliar with. This will likely be a hard book for readers who don't have some sort of familiarity with BDSM. But for anyone who is or has been in the lifestyle, this book will definitely resonate.
The first half of the book does a great job of capturing the awe, wonder, and exhilaration one feels when discovering the world of BDSM—a frenzied fever dream of erotic decadence. But this book also explores what can happen when two emotionally unstable people practice the intimate and intense forms of power exchange that can be part of the lifestyle.
Raw and riveting. A book of self-discovery and a cautionary tale. One of the best memoirs I've read.
September 22, 2023
I rarely sign up to read memoirs or biographies these days; It's a little bit like watching the news. The car crash is coming and you can do nothing to stop it. Similarly, the pain and angst in people's lives is so much better in fiction. Close your eyes. It isn't real.
This is very real and yet I am so, so, glad I read Exodai. It is everything the blurb promises and so much more. Written with an honesty that is both painful, joyous and witty, this book will live with me for a long time to come.
Oh boy though did I shed tears for the confused troubled childhood of Elizabeth Hackford. I went to an all girls school back in the day, in the UK when we had grammar schools run by the church. I remember the shame and confusion surrounding the topic of sex and sexuality, the endless tussle with a Christian faith. This is written so honestly here I shudder with my own memories..
I won't write spoilers, but Exodai is a voyage of discovery, and transparency of culture, of darkness and of light. Of the deepest of intimacies. Told always with an, often, painful self awareness. It is guileless.
Elizabeth's word bleed out onto the page and we are drawn to this woman, we care for her and root for her peace.
For me, this is not a book about BDSM or sexuality. It is a human narrative echoed the world over. Who are we in the world and who are we to ourselves?
A blistering work.
This is very real and yet I am so, so, glad I read Exodai. It is everything the blurb promises and so much more. Written with an honesty that is both painful, joyous and witty, this book will live with me for a long time to come.
Oh boy though did I shed tears for the confused troubled childhood of Elizabeth Hackford. I went to an all girls school back in the day, in the UK when we had grammar schools run by the church. I remember the shame and confusion surrounding the topic of sex and sexuality, the endless tussle with a Christian faith. This is written so honestly here I shudder with my own memories..
I won't write spoilers, but Exodai is a voyage of discovery, and transparency of culture, of darkness and of light. Of the deepest of intimacies. Told always with an, often, painful self awareness. It is guileless.
Elizabeth's word bleed out onto the page and we are drawn to this woman, we care for her and root for her peace.
For me, this is not a book about BDSM or sexuality. It is a human narrative echoed the world over. Who are we in the world and who are we to ourselves?
A blistering work.
August 25, 2023
Exodai is the life story of Elizabeth, a lesbian woman searching for herself and forgiveness. BDSM is a big part of the story, but this is not a BDSM story. It’s more about learning to love yourself and what can happen if you don’t learn to put yourself first.
The writing is compelling. From the first chapter you get sucked in and Elizabeth takes you in an intense ride that leaves you with a lot of food for thought. When I finished the book, I immediately started reading it again because it really moved me.
This story is not for the faint of heart and deals with real life torture. However, the message behind the story is a good one and the growth Elizabeth experiences throughout the story is beautiful. I am definitely going to read this book again!
The writing is compelling. From the first chapter you get sucked in and Elizabeth takes you in an intense ride that leaves you with a lot of food for thought. When I finished the book, I immediately started reading it again because it really moved me.
This story is not for the faint of heart and deals with real life torture. However, the message behind the story is a good one and the growth Elizabeth experiences throughout the story is beautiful. I am definitely going to read this book again!
September 22, 2023
OMG! Exodai was a fantastic read! It presented a captivating exploration of a young woman’s transformative journey as she discovered her own sexuality and then later embraced her identity as a submissive.
This memoir did an amazing job delving into the complexities of human desire, intimacy, and power dynamics. Elizabeth’s path to self-discovery is beautifully portrayed. I really connected with her on a profound level. I enjoyed reading about how she navigated the uncharted waters of her desires. I also loved the humor in the book. I found myself laughing out loud with Elizabeth’s friends when Nozomi found out she had an orgasm at her club! Lol!
Great care was taken in unraveling Elizabeth’s journey and emotions with sensitivity and authenticity, shedding light on the nuances of BDSM relationships.
What set this book apart is its emphasis on consent and communication, within the realm of BDSM. Hackford beautifully demonstrated the importance of trust and open dialogue in a way that educated me while also titillating my imagination.
"Exodai” is not merely about the physical aspects of submission but the emotional and psychological aspects as well. It presented a well-balanced perspective on the complexities of power dynamics, portraying the sub's role as one of strength and choice rather than weakness. I was so proud of Elizabeth for displaying such courage and and found myself cheering out loud for her!!
This book encouraged me to reflect on my own desires and boundaries. It is a thought-provoking and liberating exploration of sexuality and self-acceptance and a refreshing take on BDSM literature, emphasizing the importance of consent, communication, and empowerment.
I absolutely loved reading this book. It is a definite must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of the human psyche and the intricacies of desire, self-discovery, and the world of BDSM!
This memoir did an amazing job delving into the complexities of human desire, intimacy, and power dynamics. Elizabeth’s path to self-discovery is beautifully portrayed. I really connected with her on a profound level. I enjoyed reading about how she navigated the uncharted waters of her desires. I also loved the humor in the book. I found myself laughing out loud with Elizabeth’s friends when Nozomi found out she had an orgasm at her club! Lol!
Great care was taken in unraveling Elizabeth’s journey and emotions with sensitivity and authenticity, shedding light on the nuances of BDSM relationships.
What set this book apart is its emphasis on consent and communication, within the realm of BDSM. Hackford beautifully demonstrated the importance of trust and open dialogue in a way that educated me while also titillating my imagination.
"Exodai” is not merely about the physical aspects of submission but the emotional and psychological aspects as well. It presented a well-balanced perspective on the complexities of power dynamics, portraying the sub's role as one of strength and choice rather than weakness. I was so proud of Elizabeth for displaying such courage and and found myself cheering out loud for her!!
This book encouraged me to reflect on my own desires and boundaries. It is a thought-provoking and liberating exploration of sexuality and self-acceptance and a refreshing take on BDSM literature, emphasizing the importance of consent, communication, and empowerment.
I absolutely loved reading this book. It is a definite must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of the human psyche and the intricacies of desire, self-discovery, and the world of BDSM!
September 22, 2023
I can't believe I finished this intense and shocking memoir! But it's even harder to believe that Elizabeth wrote such detailed experience in a book. Knowing that it is about bdsm and torture, I'm happy that I finally found something that can scratch my specific itch.
It is not as appropriate to say that I enjoyed this book, but liked the fact that she wrote from how she first know about torture and punishment, finding her sexuality, every relationship she has been through since a young age, her struggle with her faith in God, until she becomes an addict in being tortured and suffered in agony. In the first half of the book, there were several points I found very relatable in my personal experiences and felt like I wanna give her a hug. From when she started being a slave of mistresses, it gets pretty hardcore and insane to me that I found it hard to get through, at the same time hoping that she will wake up soon and get out of this.
It is actually very informative in a way that I now know more about Japanese bdsm and dominatrix, how it relate to self love and the lack of recognition and self-worth from being bullied in the past. The most unexpected part is how she relates it to Christianity, quoting several lines from the bible. Up to the end, it was more than powerful that she ends it with her awakening, reflection and transformation, it was a very brave act of exposing her whole journey to the world.
It is not as appropriate to say that I enjoyed this book, but liked the fact that she wrote from how she first know about torture and punishment, finding her sexuality, every relationship she has been through since a young age, her struggle with her faith in God, until she becomes an addict in being tortured and suffered in agony. In the first half of the book, there were several points I found very relatable in my personal experiences and felt like I wanna give her a hug. From when she started being a slave of mistresses, it gets pretty hardcore and insane to me that I found it hard to get through, at the same time hoping that she will wake up soon and get out of this.
It is actually very informative in a way that I now know more about Japanese bdsm and dominatrix, how it relate to self love and the lack of recognition and self-worth from being bullied in the past. The most unexpected part is how she relates it to Christianity, quoting several lines from the bible. Up to the end, it was more than powerful that she ends it with her awakening, reflection and transformation, it was a very brave act of exposing her whole journey to the world.
August 17, 2023
Here’s is my review on “Exodai” by Elizabeth Hackford
Spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️
Memoir: 📖📖📖📖📖
I typically don’t read memoirs because they tend to be a snooze fest (sorry!) but this one was so beautifully told by Elizabeth.
Elizabeth tries to balance religion and sexuality in a world where there is so much judgement about who you are and who you are “supposed” to be, this memoir overflows with the trials and tribulations of life, love, and self realization through world of BDSM.
This raw and honest telling of one’s life story will definitely impact you in ways that you never thought. Elizabeth has opened her life up for us to devour and quite a meal it was.
“The sense of redemption was palpable. I had discovered myself. I was a “submissive”. A submissive. I loved to be dominated. So profound and joyous was the experience I felt as if I had been born again”
Spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️
Memoir: 📖📖📖📖📖
I typically don’t read memoirs because they tend to be a snooze fest (sorry!) but this one was so beautifully told by Elizabeth.
Elizabeth tries to balance religion and sexuality in a world where there is so much judgement about who you are and who you are “supposed” to be, this memoir overflows with the trials and tribulations of life, love, and self realization through world of BDSM.
This raw and honest telling of one’s life story will definitely impact you in ways that you never thought. Elizabeth has opened her life up for us to devour and quite a meal it was.
“The sense of redemption was palpable. I had discovered myself. I was a “submissive”. A submissive. I loved to be dominated. So profound and joyous was the experience I felt as if I had been born again”
November 21, 2023
Wow what a gripping book from the first page till last you follow alone side Elizabeth Hendrick hard core relationship into the BDSM world where torture is part of it but the extreme scene's were hard to swallow, the life of Elizabeth is extremely emotional rollercoaster but her faith kept her going its a book you will cry at a must-read congratulations
January 18, 2024
I've never read such an open and honest book before and WOW this really packs a punch. It will certainly stay with me forever.
At the beginning Elizabeth discusses her interest in the world of BDSM, but this takes a dark turn of events when she moves to Tokyo.
This book does come with several trigger warnings as she lays bare the abuse both physically and mentally - which is extremely graphic at times. My heart broke for Elizabeth several times due to the abuse she endured. I honestly believe she came out a stronger person.
Really hope we can see how Elizabeth’s life has changed and to see how far she has come in life.
It's certainly a dark read and not one for the faint hearted. It really was an eye opener. Also I was surprised to read that this is Elizabeth’s debut novel - a fantastic and brutal read.
At the beginning Elizabeth discusses her interest in the world of BDSM, but this takes a dark turn of events when she moves to Tokyo.
This book does come with several trigger warnings as she lays bare the abuse both physically and mentally - which is extremely graphic at times. My heart broke for Elizabeth several times due to the abuse she endured. I honestly believe she came out a stronger person.
Really hope we can see how Elizabeth’s life has changed and to see how far she has come in life.
It's certainly a dark read and not one for the faint hearted. It really was an eye opener. Also I was surprised to read that this is Elizabeth’s debut novel - a fantastic and brutal read.
December 16, 2023
A thoughtful memoir
At first glance this seems likely to be erotic in nature but ultimately it's a meditation on love. By the end of the book I found myself in a profound state of compassion and grief for the author and an intense interest in her view of the divine. I hope she is able to expand on her unique view of love and God in future writings.
At first glance this seems likely to be erotic in nature but ultimately it's a meditation on love. By the end of the book I found myself in a profound state of compassion and grief for the author and an intense interest in her view of the divine. I hope she is able to expand on her unique view of love and God in future writings.
October 15, 2023
As a very, very submissive bi woman I found this memoir totally exceptional and unbelievably erotic. I so wanted to be subjected to the many S&M punishments experienced by Elizabeth. During her time in Japan, she was humiliated and severely tortured by Mistress Tomo without the hope of relief through the use of a safe word. Even thinking of these scenes now makes and keeps me totally wet and craving similar treatment from my F/F Domme partner. Some readers may find Elizabeth's submission too extreme. However, for someone already in a stable D/s relationship, progression to this level may truly lead to an amazing duality of agony and rapturous delight. Oh my, Mistress Tomo please take me on such a journey of pain and pleasure:) XOXOXOs to the author, Elizabeth Hackford, for documenting her BDSM life. Please read this book now! You will not be disappointed.
August 17, 2023
Wow!!!! What a journey. Where to begin?
First let me start by saying this book does have trigger warnings please read them before you begin. Secondly, this book is about a journey of self discovery and not what you expect when you first start reading it.
Elizabeth from a very young age knew she was a lesbian as well as a Christian. She struggled to come to terms with her sexuality and gods approval. She entered into relationships during her adolescence with women who would never be able to offer her the love she so desperately wanted and needed.
When she got into her adulthood she still seeked out unhealthy relationships which brought her into the world of BDSM. In this world she thought she could feel approval and admiration from her mistresses as they inflicted the most unimaginable torture to her. It broke my heart at how much she would endure just to feel she was worthy of their praise and love. She was so desperate to find those emotions, worth and love.
Through years and years of mental and physical toxicity and torture she hits rock bottom still void of the love, approval and worth she wants to feel. Until finally through her continued faith in her Christianity and god she realizes the love and worth she so desperately wants must come from with in. That is when she breaks the dam of her personal and physical torture and finds her self love and worth.
Well done Elizabeth.
First let me start by saying this book does have trigger warnings please read them before you begin. Secondly, this book is about a journey of self discovery and not what you expect when you first start reading it.
Elizabeth from a very young age knew she was a lesbian as well as a Christian. She struggled to come to terms with her sexuality and gods approval. She entered into relationships during her adolescence with women who would never be able to offer her the love she so desperately wanted and needed.
When she got into her adulthood she still seeked out unhealthy relationships which brought her into the world of BDSM. In this world she thought she could feel approval and admiration from her mistresses as they inflicted the most unimaginable torture to her. It broke my heart at how much she would endure just to feel she was worthy of their praise and love. She was so desperate to find those emotions, worth and love.
Through years and years of mental and physical toxicity and torture she hits rock bottom still void of the love, approval and worth she wants to feel. Until finally through her continued faith in her Christianity and god she realizes the love and worth she so desperately wants must come from with in. That is when she breaks the dam of her personal and physical torture and finds her self love and worth.
Well done Elizabeth.
September 10, 2023
This EXODAI: A Shockingly Honest Memoir of Love, Obsession and Torture is an extraordinarily frank account of the life journey of the author Elizabeth HackfordElizabeth Hackford as a lesbian masochist. The trials and tribulations of being in a niche segment of a minority group aside, the range of physical, mental and emotional pain that Elizabeth puts herself through is as wide-ranging as it is deep and excrucating.
Elizabeth describes in astonishing detail the tortures that she undergoes at the hands of her various mistresses. The punishment meted out by Tomo, Elizabeth's dream queen, is accorded the most graphic of minute depiction, parts of which made for quite difficult reading for this reviewer (who has no masochistic inclinations but a rich imagination and low pain threshold). These passages are for the hard core connoiseurs or the highly curious uninitiated. To be honest, I question the relevance of including mentions of some of the more painful practices to the core theme of the book; in some ways they almost came across as being self-indulgent.
The author's emotional and psychological changes and her analysis of them are also elaborately documented, indicating a careful journaling of her internal dialogue over many years. These are the elements that made the book readable for me, as a porthole into the mind and heart of someone whose definition of love is vastly different from my more conventional one. Elizabeth's honest quest for love and the agony in its attainment is laid out for all to witness.
From a heterosexual male's perspective, this book is an eye-opener, a glimpse into a world of which I had little knowledge. If you want a case study in accepting mental and physical pain as a route to, or corollary of, self-love, this is a good read. If on the other hand you are looking for a gentle introduction into BDSM, you should opt for a different title.
Elizabeth describes in astonishing detail the tortures that she undergoes at the hands of her various mistresses. The punishment meted out by Tomo, Elizabeth's dream queen, is accorded the most graphic of minute depiction, parts of which made for quite difficult reading for this reviewer (who has no masochistic inclinations but a rich imagination and low pain threshold). These passages are for the hard core connoiseurs or the highly curious uninitiated. To be honest, I question the relevance of including mentions of some of the more painful practices to the core theme of the book; in some ways they almost came across as being self-indulgent.
The author's emotional and psychological changes and her analysis of them are also elaborately documented, indicating a careful journaling of her internal dialogue over many years. These are the elements that made the book readable for me, as a porthole into the mind and heart of someone whose definition of love is vastly different from my more conventional one. Elizabeth's honest quest for love and the agony in its attainment is laid out for all to witness.
From a heterosexual male's perspective, this book is an eye-opener, a glimpse into a world of which I had little knowledge. If you want a case study in accepting mental and physical pain as a route to, or corollary of, self-love, this is a good read. If on the other hand you are looking for a gentle introduction into BDSM, you should opt for a different title.
January 19, 2024
Wow! This book definitely isn't for the faint-hearted and most certainly a baptism of fire for someone (like me) who knows nothing about the world of BDSM/S&M.
It comes with a slew of trigger warnings. All of them are valid. But I really admire Elizabeth's courage in laying bare her journey with such raw and brutal honesty.
Elizabeth gives a vivid and in-depth insight into the vast and varied world of BDSM. Eloquently providing her readers with a brutal and emotional look into her deepest, darkest, and most private thoughts and experiences. Taking them on a physical, mental, and emotional quest to find love and acceptance in a world that isn't well regulated. Is quite a secretive and misunderstood society. In some ways, potentially not the best environment to be in for someone is vulnerable with regard to their sexuality, self-acceptance, and self-esteem. Especially with characters like Tomo. Who border on the edge of narcissism, sociopathy and cruelty. Ones who don't know when and where to draw a line.
I had many emotions whilst reading Exodai due to my frustration at the fact that Elizabeth seemed to be veering from one bad experience/decision to another. All in a misguided attempt at trying to find love and acceptance from sources that were more often than not causing pain. But I also believe that everything happens for a reason (like Elizabeth) and that she is now stronger, older, wiser, and happier for it.
It isn't a story for the faint-hearted. But it's a story with a purpose and a powerful message. And I applaud Elizabeth's honesty, clarity, and strength in sharing her experiences in a world where BDSM is still a very misunderstood and taboo subject.
A fascinating read!
It comes with a slew of trigger warnings. All of them are valid. But I really admire Elizabeth's courage in laying bare her journey with such raw and brutal honesty.
Elizabeth gives a vivid and in-depth insight into the vast and varied world of BDSM. Eloquently providing her readers with a brutal and emotional look into her deepest, darkest, and most private thoughts and experiences. Taking them on a physical, mental, and emotional quest to find love and acceptance in a world that isn't well regulated. Is quite a secretive and misunderstood society. In some ways, potentially not the best environment to be in for someone is vulnerable with regard to their sexuality, self-acceptance, and self-esteem. Especially with characters like Tomo. Who border on the edge of narcissism, sociopathy and cruelty. Ones who don't know when and where to draw a line.
I had many emotions whilst reading Exodai due to my frustration at the fact that Elizabeth seemed to be veering from one bad experience/decision to another. All in a misguided attempt at trying to find love and acceptance from sources that were more often than not causing pain. But I also believe that everything happens for a reason (like Elizabeth) and that she is now stronger, older, wiser, and happier for it.
It isn't a story for the faint-hearted. But it's a story with a purpose and a powerful message. And I applaud Elizabeth's honesty, clarity, and strength in sharing her experiences in a world where BDSM is still a very misunderstood and taboo subject.
A fascinating read!
May 22, 2024
****TW for BDSM, abuse and Sadistic torture.
“Tonight, I am going to be tortured for the woman I love”
Absolutely NOTHING like my usual reads, I was drawn to read this when the author, reached out from Japan and offered to send me a copy of this.
I read memoirs sparingly. When I do, there is usually something about them that just catches my sense of awe that the author wants to share such a story. That they have taken the courageous step to share such deeply personal aspects of their life with us.
And Elizabeth did just that with this book.
This is not an easy read for sure. It is a heartbreaking, emotional story that follows Elizabeth on a powerful journey of self acceptance and realisation. This book is honest, raw and thought provoking and does go into GRAPHIC detail of the torture she endured.
Elizabeth's story is relatable on so many levels I am sure to so many LGBTQ young women (and men). And all humans generally as we seek acceptance and love.
From realising she has a sexual interest in girls at a young age and experimenting in college.
And the bullying she suffered because of it.
From feeling conflicted between her sexuality and religious beliefs, to the impact this had on her self confidence and need for love and acceptance.
And the path this set her on once she moved to Japan and discovered the Fetish and BDSM scene there.
To questioning when does Dominatrix control go too far and become abuse and sadistic torture? And when is enough enough?
Described as 'A shockingly honest memoir of love, obsession and torture' I was intrigued when the author mentioned that she felt her book held an important message and wanted to get it out there, especially to members of the lgbtq community.
In life there is much that is still not talked about openly in some cultures, religions or families today. Sadly sexuality and its impact on mental health is still one of those things.
Thank you very much to the author for sharing this emotional journey with us and for my gifted book
Please take the time to concider reading or sharing this book.
“Tonight, I am going to be tortured for the woman I love”
Absolutely NOTHING like my usual reads, I was drawn to read this when the author, reached out from Japan and offered to send me a copy of this.
I read memoirs sparingly. When I do, there is usually something about them that just catches my sense of awe that the author wants to share such a story. That they have taken the courageous step to share such deeply personal aspects of their life with us.
And Elizabeth did just that with this book.
This is not an easy read for sure. It is a heartbreaking, emotional story that follows Elizabeth on a powerful journey of self acceptance and realisation. This book is honest, raw and thought provoking and does go into GRAPHIC detail of the torture she endured.
Elizabeth's story is relatable on so many levels I am sure to so many LGBTQ young women (and men). And all humans generally as we seek acceptance and love.
From realising she has a sexual interest in girls at a young age and experimenting in college.
And the bullying she suffered because of it.
From feeling conflicted between her sexuality and religious beliefs, to the impact this had on her self confidence and need for love and acceptance.
And the path this set her on once she moved to Japan and discovered the Fetish and BDSM scene there.
To questioning when does Dominatrix control go too far and become abuse and sadistic torture? And when is enough enough?
Described as 'A shockingly honest memoir of love, obsession and torture' I was intrigued when the author mentioned that she felt her book held an important message and wanted to get it out there, especially to members of the lgbtq community.
In life there is much that is still not talked about openly in some cultures, religions or families today. Sadly sexuality and its impact on mental health is still one of those things.
Thank you very much to the author for sharing this emotional journey with us and for my gifted book
Please take the time to concider reading or sharing this book.
January 24, 2024
Thanks to LiterallyPr and Elizabeth Hendrix for providing me with an advanced copy of this book. I must say that this is quite a departure from my usual fiction reads, as it delves into the realm of non-fiction. Through the pages of this memoir, we are taken on a journey alongside Elizabeth, exploring her desires and sexuality.
The first half of the book takes its time, slowly unraveling Elizabeth's path and her obsession before reaching adulthood. It is a brutally honest account that dives deep into the world of BDSM. As the second half of the book unfolds, we are exposed to a darker side of Tokyo, where the consequences of Elizabeth's choices become apparent.
It is important to note that this memoir may contain triggering content, so it is advisable to be aware of your own triggers before embarking on this reading experience. We witness how Elizabeth's exploration of submission takes her down a dangerous path and exposes her to various risks. However, amidst all the challenges, this book ultimately focuses on the journey of self-discovery. It showcases how Elizabeth managed to find herself despite her background and the complexities of her sexuality.
Overall, this memoir offers a unique perspective and sheds light on the intricacies of desire and sexual exploration. It is a thought-provoking read that pushes boundaries and challenges societal norms.
#booktour #exodai #nonfiction
The first half of the book takes its time, slowly unraveling Elizabeth's path and her obsession before reaching adulthood. It is a brutally honest account that dives deep into the world of BDSM. As the second half of the book unfolds, we are exposed to a darker side of Tokyo, where the consequences of Elizabeth's choices become apparent.
It is important to note that this memoir may contain triggering content, so it is advisable to be aware of your own triggers before embarking on this reading experience. We witness how Elizabeth's exploration of submission takes her down a dangerous path and exposes her to various risks. However, amidst all the challenges, this book ultimately focuses on the journey of self-discovery. It showcases how Elizabeth managed to find herself despite her background and the complexities of her sexuality.
Overall, this memoir offers a unique perspective and sheds light on the intricacies of desire and sexual exploration. It is a thought-provoking read that pushes boundaries and challenges societal norms.
#booktour #exodai #nonfiction
January 24, 2024
Firstly, let’s just start by appreciating how brave and strong Elizabeth must be able to be put her past into words for this book and share some of these shocking experiences with us and the difficult journey she endured in finding herself.
The books tells us the story of the difficulties Elizabeth faced being a Christian and being attracted to women which was against her strict Christian upbringing. She knew she was different from a young age and found it difficult to find her place in the world. She knew she enjoyed struggle from a young age and fantasised about torture, later going on to experience different forms of BDSM, submission, love and torture. In her journey to discovery she had to come to terms with what was love and what was abuse. The book was so honest and was very, very detailed in her accounts of what she experienced. Elizabeth, your power, determination and survival in such a testing life is inspirational!
The books tells us the story of the difficulties Elizabeth faced being a Christian and being attracted to women which was against her strict Christian upbringing. She knew she was different from a young age and found it difficult to find her place in the world. She knew she enjoyed struggle from a young age and fantasised about torture, later going on to experience different forms of BDSM, submission, love and torture. In her journey to discovery she had to come to terms with what was love and what was abuse. The book was so honest and was very, very detailed in her accounts of what she experienced. Elizabeth, your power, determination and survival in such a testing life is inspirational!
January 10, 2024
This was nothing like I’ve ever read before and with a subject matter I knew little to nothing about so went it with a very open mind. I was genuinely shocked out how moved I felt whilst reading it.
Elizabeth takes us through her life from a young age, as she begins to struggle with aligning her faith with her sexual orientation and later, her exploration of BDSM. I’ll be honest, I struggled at times reading the experiences Elizabeth went through in her role as a submissive and I will say now, this book won’t be for everyone, but I really felt for Elizabeth and her bravery in telling this story.
Whilst the main themes of this book (outwardly at least) are sexuality and BDSM, some of the biggest takeaways for me were how a lack of self acceptance and self love can lead us to allow others to dominate us, both physically and mentally. As Elizabeth explores so eloquently in the memoir, we can never find these outside of ourselves, no matter how much autonomy we hand over to another.
The ending of this book filled me with hope for Elizabeth’s future and I hope she allows us back into her life again in time to show us all how far she has come.
I was kindly gifted a copy of the book in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.
January 9, 2024
This was a thought-provoking book of one womens battle within herself and her beliefs. When she was younger her struggle with accepting her sexuality and her faith in God. Readers need to beware as there are trigger warnings to this book as some scenes are difficult to read. The authors own experiences in the BDSM scene of DOM/Submissive roles. A memoir that opens your eyes.
December 28, 2023
Exodai is a memoir not for the faint hearted. There is a list of trigger warnings at the start of the book. I don't usually read memoirs but this one intrigued me. I felt this memoir was very open and emotional, the author put it all on the page and I felt she didn't hold back and with that I respect the author's honesty. This book at times was hard to read, the abusive relationships were eye opening, i felt a wonder of why she would let this carry on but that wondering is from myself personally and as someone not open to that world maybe I just don't comprehend it the same.
I felt this memoir was written really well, like I said I felt that no barrels were held back and I felt emotions for Elizabeth, you could clearly see she struggled from the start, being a teen, Christian and a lesbian.
This memoir was definitely an eye opener for me and the ending where Elizabeth turned away from Tomo felt a huge relief for me.
I felt this memoir was written really well, like I said I felt that no barrels were held back and I felt emotions for Elizabeth, you could clearly see she struggled from the start, being a teen, Christian and a lesbian.
This memoir was definitely an eye opener for me and the ending where Elizabeth turned away from Tomo felt a huge relief for me.
September 23, 2023
I have lots of very mixed feelings about this book. In general, I am very glad I read it and enjoyed it most of the time. But there were few things that definitely didn’t work for me.
First I would like to say that I absolutely loved the flow the book had, the writing was excellent and you couldn’t say a bad word about author’s style. It just carries you all the way through. So compelling I couldn’t really put it down. It’s definitely worth reading for that reason itself.
As for the content and the story - it’s difficult to judge the book that is a memoir, as to some extent this is the author’s life. But I have to say I was definitely captivated by the story itself, even though it seemed to not actually have come to the conclusions I expected. It surprised me how fluently it connected BDSM and Christianity. Although it was not what I thought would happen and I was a bit taken aback by the other believers kind of brushing away the whole abuse (that, let’s say it, extended way beyond the standard BDSM stuff). The same as other spiritual gurus were not really that critical of the choices made. I don’t know why, but it just seemed a bit strange that everyone was just okay with it and it also had a small vibe of various religious people feeding of Elizabeth’s internalised homophobia and trauma that it caused. But I am not really equipped to say for sure that’s what happened, because the story in the end just brushes by closure.
The end bit was in my opinion a bit rushed. We got so much detail about the abuse, that it just seemed strange to end it that quickly. It didn’t seem like it’s really the finale of the story.
I am also not sure about the last sub/dom relationship with Tomo being described in such a repetitive manner. I get that it WAS repetitive and disappointing most of the time, but by the third time we got the appointment that was cancelled, I was feeling the urge to just skip the waiting bit after next one was announced. Like, great writing was the only thing that kept me reading every word, but has it been any less compelling, the last few chapters would be absolutely unbearable. It could do with a bit less of those, that just seemed to fill in for more pages.
I did appreciate a lot of details in the SM scenes, this isn’t something that we get in most of books, majority just brushes by the subject, but here there wasn’t any fading to black at all.
It’s definitely very worth reading. I may not be that into the spiritual stuff in it, but it is an interesting point of view, an interesting story and a great piece of writing.
First I would like to say that I absolutely loved the flow the book had, the writing was excellent and you couldn’t say a bad word about author’s style. It just carries you all the way through. So compelling I couldn’t really put it down. It’s definitely worth reading for that reason itself.
As for the content and the story - it’s difficult to judge the book that is a memoir, as to some extent this is the author’s life. But I have to say I was definitely captivated by the story itself, even though it seemed to not actually have come to the conclusions I expected. It surprised me how fluently it connected BDSM and Christianity. Although it was not what I thought would happen and I was a bit taken aback by the other believers kind of brushing away the whole abuse (that, let’s say it, extended way beyond the standard BDSM stuff). The same as other spiritual gurus were not really that critical of the choices made. I don’t know why, but it just seemed a bit strange that everyone was just okay with it and it also had a small vibe of various religious people feeding of Elizabeth’s internalised homophobia and trauma that it caused. But I am not really equipped to say for sure that’s what happened, because the story in the end just brushes by closure.
The end bit was in my opinion a bit rushed. We got so much detail about the abuse, that it just seemed strange to end it that quickly. It didn’t seem like it’s really the finale of the story.
I am also not sure about the last sub/dom relationship with Tomo being described in such a repetitive manner. I get that it WAS repetitive and disappointing most of the time, but by the third time we got the appointment that was cancelled, I was feeling the urge to just skip the waiting bit after next one was announced. Like, great writing was the only thing that kept me reading every word, but has it been any less compelling, the last few chapters would be absolutely unbearable. It could do with a bit less of those, that just seemed to fill in for more pages.
I did appreciate a lot of details in the SM scenes, this isn’t something that we get in most of books, majority just brushes by the subject, but here there wasn’t any fading to black at all.
It’s definitely very worth reading. I may not be that into the spiritual stuff in it, but it is an interesting point of view, an interesting story and a great piece of writing.
January 10, 2024
Wow!!!! What a journey. Where to begin?
First let me start by saying this book does have trigger warnings please read them before you begin. Secondly, this book is about a journey of self discovery and not what you expect when you first start reading it.
Elizabeth from a very young age knew she was a lesbian as well as a Christian. She struggled to come to terms with her sexuality and gods approval. She entered into relationships during her adolescence with women who would never be able to offer her the love she so desperately wanted and needed.
When she got into her adulthood she still seeked out unhealthy relationships which brought her into the world of BDSM. In this world she thought she could feel approval and admiration from her mistresses as they inflicted the most unimaginable torture to her. It broke my heart at how much she would endure just to feel she was worthy of their praise and love. She was so desperate to find those emotions, worth and love.
Through years and years of mental and physical toxicity and torture she hits rock bottom still void of the love, approval and worth she wants to feel. Until finally through her continued faith in her Christianity and god she realizes the love and worth she so desperately wants must come from with in. That is when she breaks the dam of her personal and physical torture and finds her self love and worth.
Well done Elizabeth.
First let me start by saying this book does have trigger warnings please read them before you begin. Secondly, this book is about a journey of self discovery and not what you expect when you first start reading it.
Elizabeth from a very young age knew she was a lesbian as well as a Christian. She struggled to come to terms with her sexuality and gods approval. She entered into relationships during her adolescence with women who would never be able to offer her the love she so desperately wanted and needed.
When she got into her adulthood she still seeked out unhealthy relationships which brought her into the world of BDSM. In this world she thought she could feel approval and admiration from her mistresses as they inflicted the most unimaginable torture to her. It broke my heart at how much she would endure just to feel she was worthy of their praise and love. She was so desperate to find those emotions, worth and love.
Through years and years of mental and physical toxicity and torture she hits rock bottom still void of the love, approval and worth she wants to feel. Until finally through her continued faith in her Christianity and god she realizes the love and worth she so desperately wants must come from with in. That is when she breaks the dam of her personal and physical torture and finds her self love and worth.
Well done Elizabeth.
October 20, 2023
Exodai by Elizabeth Hackford
4.4 ✨
What a raw and emotional memoir; I was incapable of putting this down! I had eight-ish books on my currently reading shelf and I always found myself returning to this title. This is not going to be what you think it will be, it’s going to be even better. This account is guttural and truthful beyond imagination. This is the story of a true Submissive, the unending love and dedication required to serve in this role. I found reflections and ripples of myself within this story and this author, which was a surprise to me for a totally different reason than I initially thought. You will not find another author who is willing to be this open and truthful about this part of their life. I feel so lucky to have stumbled across it here on NetGalley! The author’s connection to religion and the struggle with being of a “non-normal” sexuality was heartbreaking and enlightening to see. As a queer woman myself, I felt incredibly understood with the struggle. I’ve always been curious about Tokyo’s very exotic BDSM underworld and this provided me a stunning story of world building on this subject. I really can’t stop shouting from the rooftops how wonderful of a read this was. I want to send my huge gratitude and thanks to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me an eARC to read of this title.
4.4 ✨
What a raw and emotional memoir; I was incapable of putting this down! I had eight-ish books on my currently reading shelf and I always found myself returning to this title. This is not going to be what you think it will be, it’s going to be even better. This account is guttural and truthful beyond imagination. This is the story of a true Submissive, the unending love and dedication required to serve in this role. I found reflections and ripples of myself within this story and this author, which was a surprise to me for a totally different reason than I initially thought. You will not find another author who is willing to be this open and truthful about this part of their life. I feel so lucky to have stumbled across it here on NetGalley! The author’s connection to religion and the struggle with being of a “non-normal” sexuality was heartbreaking and enlightening to see. As a queer woman myself, I felt incredibly understood with the struggle. I’ve always been curious about Tokyo’s very exotic BDSM underworld and this provided me a stunning story of world building on this subject. I really can’t stop shouting from the rooftops how wonderful of a read this was. I want to send my huge gratitude and thanks to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me an eARC to read of this title.
September 4, 2023
Elizabeth’s drives and desires have always been unusual. Beginning in early childhood, her need for love and suffering took her from the prim surroundings of a Norfolk girls’ school to the secret, latex-clad, rope-bound, whip-lashed delights of the Tokyo BDSM scene.
For Elizabeth, torture was not about sexual gratification – it was about love. In this frank and open memoir, she tells the story of a remarkable personal journey. Attracted to other girls from an early age, Elizabeth struggled to come to terms with her sexuality. As a schoolgirl, her fantasies of torture – always for the benefit of whichever girl she was in love with – were rooted in her own inability to accept herself as a lesbian or reconcile her desires with her Christian beliefs. Before finally realising that connection, Elizabeth would go through years of emotional and physical pain.
Wow, this is some memoir. Honest, intimate and so well written. Elizabeth’s experience opens up a whole world of something that is normally kept deep under the radar. This is not for the faint hearted. I have given it four stars, not for the actual subject of the book (which I fail to understand), but for the sheer level of detail. The descriptions of her feelings are quite incredible.
For Elizabeth, torture was not about sexual gratification – it was about love. In this frank and open memoir, she tells the story of a remarkable personal journey. Attracted to other girls from an early age, Elizabeth struggled to come to terms with her sexuality. As a schoolgirl, her fantasies of torture – always for the benefit of whichever girl she was in love with – were rooted in her own inability to accept herself as a lesbian or reconcile her desires with her Christian beliefs. Before finally realising that connection, Elizabeth would go through years of emotional and physical pain.
Wow, this is some memoir. Honest, intimate and so well written. Elizabeth’s experience opens up a whole world of something that is normally kept deep under the radar. This is not for the faint hearted. I have given it four stars, not for the actual subject of the book (which I fail to understand), but for the sheer level of detail. The descriptions of her feelings are quite incredible.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews