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Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies
"The function of sexual fantasy is to undo the beliefs and feelings interfering with sexual excitement, to ensure both our safety and our pleasure," writes clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Michael Bader. In Arousal, Bader discusses the role of sexual fantasy as an unconscious problem solver and describes how his patients have come to understand the background, logic, and positive messages of their fantasies. Bader offers case studies of patients (heterosexual and gay) with varied conflicts, and analyzes their sexual fantasies in light of their desires, guilt, and past and current relationships. Most patients, Bader found, are able to resolve their issues by understanding the meaning and logic of their fantasies and then move on to more satisfying relationships.
Bader also interprets common sex fantasies and discusses sexual boredom in ongoing relationships, the power of pathogenic (irrational and self-defeating) beliefs, and sexual fantasies as a therapeutic key to problems that seem independent of sexuality, such as depression.
This provocative book is scholarly yet accessible to the lay reader interested in psychology. Although readers might be drawn in by the gritty, sexy details about Bader's patients, thoughtful readers also will learn about themselves and what their own fantasies may be addressing and revealing. --Joan Price
306 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 12, 2002
198 people are currently reading
2750 people want to read
About the author
Michael J. Bader
5 books25 followersDr. Michael Bader is a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over 30 years of clinical experience. He received a Doctor of Mental Health degree at the University of California, San Francisco, in 1980, and became licensed as a Clinical Psychologist in January 1984, he currently combines a private practice in San Francisco with his work as a senior advisor for the Institute4Change, an interdisciplinary team of change experts devoted to developing leaders of progressive organizations and providing them consultation around issues of strategy and organizational change.
Dr. Bader has written extensively for both academic and popular audiences. His primary intellectual interests are in exploring the intersection of psychology, culture, and politics. He has written over 50 articles for popular magazines, both print and on-line, including The Huffington Post, Alternet, and Tikkun Magazine. In these, he analyses vital political controversies, crises, and struggles using the wisdom and insights gained in his long clinical career. His arguments—and his theoretical agenda—usually involve weaving together a sophisticated understanding of politics and history with a psychological approach that appreciates the importance of unconscious desires and conflicts.
Dr. Bader has written extensively for both academic and popular audiences. His primary intellectual interests are in exploring the intersection of psychology, culture, and politics. He has written over 50 articles for popular magazines, both print and on-line, including The Huffington Post, Alternet, and Tikkun Magazine. In these, he analyses vital political controversies, crises, and struggles using the wisdom and insights gained in his long clinical career. His arguments—and his theoretical agenda—usually involve weaving together a sophisticated understanding of politics and history with a psychological approach that appreciates the importance of unconscious desires and conflicts.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
October 21, 2013
This author has helped me understand my own sexuality. As a survivor of rape this book has revolutionised my love life. I have been set free from survivor guilt.
June 26, 2009
This is a marvelous book. At the very end, Bader tosses off a sweeping philosophical statement that provides a key to his thinking. In a few sentences, he discards the Freudian fantasies of perverted, sadistic children whose original impulses are more or less directly expressed in adult human "perversions" such as an obsession with anuses or high heels or punishment. Instead, with compassion and the kind of common sense that is all too rare in the professionally trained of any profession, he proposes that we gravitate towards sexual preferences and scenarios that make us feel safe enough to express our sexuality, scenarios that serve to down-regulate the shame, anxiety, guilt and fear we all in more or less quantities associate with sexuality. (He names as his intellectual antecedent a man names Weiss, a mentor he had studied under.)
It's the way of intellectual movements that dramatic, implausible, exciting theories make more of a splash than their calmer, more common-sense oriented cousins. This is a real pity. You'd think we'd have gotten tired of thrilling but ultimately baseless theorizing after the 20th century with all its failures. I hope we have. Especially after Greenspan's theory of "economics works just like Ayn Rand says it does" has driven us into a ditch that our grandchildren will be lucky to drive out of, I hope we're more open to the less flashy, common sense philosophies of people like Bader.
It's the way of intellectual movements that dramatic, implausible, exciting theories make more of a splash than their calmer, more common-sense oriented cousins. This is a real pity. You'd think we'd have gotten tired of thrilling but ultimately baseless theorizing after the 20th century with all its failures. I hope we have. Especially after Greenspan's theory of "economics works just like Ayn Rand says it does" has driven us into a ditch that our grandchildren will be lucky to drive out of, I hope we're more open to the less flashy, common sense philosophies of people like Bader.
December 22, 2015
This book is an embarrassment of riches on understanding sexual fantasies without judgment and with a focus on to the inner self. Reading the book is a little bit like getting psychoanalyzed, but in a very good way. Why do we fantasize the way we do in all our individual peculiarities? Because our brains are going to figure out how to get us aroused safely. In that context, the outer shell gets broken and our true inner demons, often that have nothing to do with sex, are exposed. Thinking about sex never felt so analytical.
May 11, 2025
Este libro me ha convertido en una persona insoportable (mis amigas son testigo de ello). Desde que comencé a leer la introducción no he parado de referenciarlo, quizás también porque de una u otra forma el deseo es un tema candente en mis círculos en los últimos tiempos.
A pesar de no entender/no ser muy fan del psicoanálisis, me ha gustado mucho la premisa en torno a la que gira el libro: los seres humanos buscamos seguridad psicológica, también en el ámbito sexual, y la imaginación toma toda clase de caminos para lograrla. En los distintos capítulos se descifran fantasías de pacientes, se habla de la huella de la infancia en la psique, del papel del terapeuta, de la influencia social en nuestras dinámicas y el funcionamiento de nuestra mente… Quizás sea un poco grandilocuente decirlo así, pero tengo la impresión de que leer este libro me ha hecho más comprensiva conmigo misma y los demás, y me ha valido por unas cuantas sesiones de terapia. Sospecho que es una visión bastante subjetiva, y que el aspecto más psicoanalítico del libro va a provocar rechazo en mucha gente (demasiados padres ausentes y madres deprimidas), sin embargo, creo que hay mensajes clave tan interesantes que merece la pena la experiencia.
(Llegué aquí por el libro de Contrapoints obviously)
A pesar de no entender/no ser muy fan del psicoanálisis, me ha gustado mucho la premisa en torno a la que gira el libro: los seres humanos buscamos seguridad psicológica, también en el ámbito sexual, y la imaginación toma toda clase de caminos para lograrla. En los distintos capítulos se descifran fantasías de pacientes, se habla de la huella de la infancia en la psique, del papel del terapeuta, de la influencia social en nuestras dinámicas y el funcionamiento de nuestra mente… Quizás sea un poco grandilocuente decirlo así, pero tengo la impresión de que leer este libro me ha hecho más comprensiva conmigo misma y los demás, y me ha valido por unas cuantas sesiones de terapia. Sospecho que es una visión bastante subjetiva, y que el aspecto más psicoanalítico del libro va a provocar rechazo en mucha gente (demasiados padres ausentes y madres deprimidas), sin embargo, creo que hay mensajes clave tan interesantes que merece la pena la experiencia.
(Llegué aquí por el libro de Contrapoints obviously)
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October 30, 2008It's not "arousal" that I recently read, it's "Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It --And Men Don't Either."
Okay at first I wasn't much impressed. The book seemed standard fare as in fantasies are a way of dealing with childhood trauma and adult fears. But then, I got to thinking -- maybe pornography, dominance issues, and prostitution aren't generally dealt with from a fear/trauma perspective. Bader's point, for example, that some men worry too much about taking care of or not hurting women, and therefore seek out relationships (outside their marriages) where they can relax and enjoy sex without being responsible for the well-being and happiness of the women. What do you think? Anybody read this?
Okay at first I wasn't much impressed. The book seemed standard fare as in fantasies are a way of dealing with childhood trauma and adult fears. But then, I got to thinking -- maybe pornography, dominance issues, and prostitution aren't generally dealt with from a fear/trauma perspective. Bader's point, for example, that some men worry too much about taking care of or not hurting women, and therefore seek out relationships (outside their marriages) where they can relax and enjoy sex without being responsible for the well-being and happiness of the women. What do you think? Anybody read this?
February 28, 2023
Δεν υπολογίζει ότι ανάλογα με το σύντροφο-άλλο υπάρχει περίπτωση να ανακύψουν τελείως ετερόκλητες φαντασιώσεις. Υπάρχει περίπτωση να εντοπίσει κάποιος τον εαυτό του σε πολλές περιπτώσεις. Επίσης μου έδωσε την εντύπωση ότι ερμηνεύει κάθε περίπτωση με τρόπο σαν να ήταν αυτή η μοναδική ερμηνεία. Ψηλοί άνδρες δεν σημαίνουν πάντα υπεροχή. Ομολογεί ότι οι φαντασιώσεις και οι προτιμήσεις δεν αλλάζουν ουσιαστικά, και αυτό γιατί δίνουν ευχαρίστηση. Όποτε ανακύπτει ο προβληματισμός για την χρήση της ψυχανάλυσης σε μη αποδέκτες μορφές σεξουαλικότητας, που κατά τα αλλά μιλά για την κοινωνική κατασκευή του τι είναι επιτρεπτό και τι όχι. Βασική θέση του βιβλίου είναι οτι για να μπορέσει να διεγειρθεί το άτομο χρειάζεται να νιώσει ασφάλεια ακόμη και αν αυτή του προσφέρεται από τη θέση του μαζοχιστή ή του σαδιστή. Όλα αποτελούν κατά ο συγγραφέα απόπειρες εξασφάλισης της ψυχικής ασφάλειάς μας. Δεν ένιωσα οτι έμαθα κάτι που άλλαξε την αντίληψή μου και σε πολλά σημεία βαρέθηκα.
January 5, 2018
This book attempts to apply psychoanalytic techniques to sexual desire and it goes about as well as you'd expect. I'd wager most readers will come away with a less accurate self model than if they'd never encountered this work.
Here is a particularly egregious example. The author writes, on rape fantasies, that they are "[c]ommon among men, and infrequent among women." Uh, dude, have you ever read a romance novel? How can someone setting out to be a kink authority get this so wrong? Rape play is one of the most female-skewed kinks out there. (Supporting data.)
Here is a particularly egregious example. The author writes, on rape fantasies, that they are "[c]ommon among men, and infrequent among women." Uh, dude, have you ever read a romance novel? How can someone setting out to be a kink authority get this so wrong? Rape play is one of the most female-skewed kinks out there. (Supporting data.)
November 19, 2010
This book is giving me more to think about with regard to sex and what is considered pathological. It's a very interesting read.
February 2, 2016
An extremely effective, if unusual, way to understand the most hidden and perplexing parts of yourself. This guy makes a lot of sense!
February 15, 2021
Great book
مشاعر الذنب ...
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كأطفال ، لا نحتاج جميعًا إلى التواصل مع والدينا فحسب ، بل أيضًا إلى الانفصال التدريجي عنهم. نحن بحاجة إلى الإعجاب ، و أن نكون محور حياة والدينا ؛ لكننا نحتاج أيضًا إلى الشعور بالكفاءة والقوة المتزايدة في قدرتنا على التغلب على العقبات والسيطرة على التحديات.
نريد في النهاية أن نشعر بالقدرة على المنافسة بثقة ولكن أيضًا أن نسعد بالانتماء إلى أقراننا. بينما نتطور ، سنسعى - وسنحتاج - إلى اعتراف خاص بذكورتنا وأنوثتنا ، إحساس بأن "فتاتنا" و "فتانا" معترف بهما ويقدرهما آباؤهما. نحتاج أن نشعر أنه يمكننا التأثير على والدينا ، وأن احتياجاتنا مهمة ، لكننا أيضاً نحتاج إلى الشعور بأن والدينا يمكنهم الحفاظ على حدودهم واهتماماتهم على الرغم مما قد نطلبه. نحن بحاجة إلى آباء يمكننا الإعجاب بهم والتعريف عنهم بفخر ، ليكون لدينا آباء سعداء يحبون أنفسهم وبعضهم البعض.
الناس لديهم احتياجات كثيرة. لا يمكن تلبيتهم كلهم بشكل مثالي ، لكنهم جميعًا يظلون معنا ، مما يحفز تطورنا النفسي. ومع ذلك ، فإن كل هذه الاحتياجات قابلة للاستهلاك في خدمة الحاجة إلى الأمان النفسي. إذا تمكنا من تجنب أو إصلاح التمزق في علاقاتنا مع آبائنا عن طريق قمع أو تغيير مشاعرنا ورغباتنا وحتى تصوراتنا ، فسنقوم بذلك غريزيًا ، وبطبيعة الحال ، دون تفكير واع.
نحن نتكيف. ضع في اعتبارك تجربة الطفل مع إهمال الوالدين. هل يمكن للطفل أن يفكر : "حسنًا ، والداي يمران بوقت عصيب لأن أبي فقد وظيفته وأمي مدمنة على الكحول. لا يمتلكان شيئا ليفعلوه من أجلي . سأكون قادرًا على الشعور بالرعاية والتقدير في أي مكان آخر في العالم"
من الواضح أن الأمر ليس كذلك . لا يعرف الطفل أي حقيقة غير تلك التي تخلقها عائلته. لا يمكن للطفل أن يذهب ويعيش مع عائلة أخرى. يجب عليه أن يجعل الأمر "صحيحًا" - لجعل البيئة تبدو طبيعية أكثر من أجل التكيف معها بنجاح وأمان. نطور اعتقادنا بأن الحرمان هو الوضع الطبيعي للأمور.
نحن أيضًا نخطو خطوة واحدة مهمة أبعد: نحن نبدأ في الاعتقاد بأن أي رغبة في رعاية خاصة وحب ممنوعة ، ومحظورة ، كما لو كان يعني طلب الكثير ، عن شيء لا يفترض بنا أن نمتلكه. لا يتعين علينا قبول الإهمال فحسب ، بل يجب أن نجعل الأمر يبدو كما لو أن الخطأ يقع علينا وليس على والدينا. ليس الأمر أن والدينا لا يستطيعان العطاء ؛ بل أننا نحن نطلب الكثير.
أخبرني المريض ، مارك ، مؤخرًا في جلسته الأولى أنه شعر بأن زوجته أسيء فهمها وأنه لم يتم تقديرها ، لكنه لم يخبرها أبدًا لأنه شعر بالذنب لأنه أراد شيئًا غير لائق. قال إن زوجته لديها ما يكفي بين يديها من رعاية أطفالها الثلاثة. وتذكر لاحقًا أن والدته كانت تبدو دائمًا على نفس القدر من الإرهاق وأنه على الرغم من أنه كان وحيدًا عندما كان طفلاً ، إلا أنه غالبًا ما شعر بالذنب لكونه محتاجًا للغاية. ألقى مارك باللوم على نفسه لشعوره بالإهمال.
لماذا يطور الطفل مثل هذا الاعتقاد غير العقلاني والهزيمة الذاتية ، وهو المعتقد الذي يسميه المحلل النفسي جوزيف فايس بأنه عامل ممرض لأنه يعمل بشكل واضح ضد أهداف ومصالح الطفل الصحية؟
السبب هو بهدف الحفاظ على سلطة وفضيلة والدينا ، وبالتالي الحفاظ على سلامة علاقتنا بهم. من المعروف أن الأطفال المعتدى عليهم يرفضون بانتظام إدانة والديهم المسيئين. بدلا من ذلك ، يدينون أنفسهم. مع تبرئة والديهم ، يشعر الأطفال بالارتياح بشأن أمن هذه العلاقات. يقال إن معظم الناس يفضلون أن يكونوا خطاة في الجنة على أن يكونوا قديسين في الجحيم ، ويعذرون والديهم باستمرار ، ويتحملون مسؤولية سوء معاملتهم ، ويطورون نظريات خاصة غير واعية لتبرير ذلك. يبدو الأمر كما لو أن الطفل يقول دون وعي ، "كل شيء على ما يرام ... لا أريد الكثير على أي حال. في الواقع ، ربما لا أستحق ذلك حتى. إنها ليست غلطتك؛ بل إنها غلطتي "
يغير الأطفال مسار احتياجاتهم ورغباتهم في خدمة السلامة والتكيف طوال الوقت. أحد الأولاد يثبط قدرته التنافسية الطبيعية لأنه يدرك أن والده يحتاج دائمًا إلى الفوز ، أو أنه يبدأ بالفشل في المدرسة لأنه يستنتج دون وعي من سلوك والده أن الأب سيشعر بالغيرة إذا قام ابنه بعمل أفضل منه . يمكن للأطفال أن يكونوا مدركين تمامًا لوالديهم ولا يسجلون هذه التصورات بوعي أبدًا. كان الصبي الذي لديه والد منافس أو حسود قلقًا بشأن إيذاء والده بقوته ونجاحه ، لكنه ربما لم يسجل الفكرة بوعي مطلقًا ، والدي يتنافس معي ويغار مني. ومع ذلك ، لا يزال الصبي متحمسًا للغاية لقراءة والده للتأكد من بقاء الاثنين على اتصال بأمان. في الواقع ، قد يكون مخطئًا بشكل موضوعي بشأن الدوافع الحقيقية لوالده ، لكن النتيجة واحدة.
كان فرويد قد ركز على حاجة الصبي للتخلي عن ارتباطه الرومانسي بأمه بسبب تهديد الإخصاء من قبل والده الغيور ، لكن الحقيقة هي أن الأطفال يضحون أو يثبطون مساعيهم المعتادة لجميع أنواع الأسباب. أصبحت إحدى مرضاي شديدة الحساسية وخجولة عندما كانت طفلة صغيرة لأنها لم تكن تريد أن تثقل كاهل والدتها المرهقة. نشأت وهي تشعر بالذنب تجاه دوافعها الطبيعية. كشخص بالغ ، إذا شعرت بأي ميل إلى أن تكون كسولًا وتحث صديقك على القيام بالمزيد من التنظيف ، فسوف تشعر بالذنب لأنك "تفلت من شيء ما". مريض آخر واجه صعوبة عندما كان طفلاً في تكوين صداقات لأنه شعر بالذنب لتخليه عن أمه الوحيدة. رداً على شعوره بالذنب ، اعتاد البقاء في المنزل والاحتفاظ برفقتها ، ولعب الورق ، والطهي ، ومشاهدة التلفزيون ، مع التضحية برغبته التنموية الطبيعية في حياة منفصلة مع الأصدقاء وإثارة التحديات الجديدة.
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Michael J Bader
Arousal
Translated by #Maher_Razouk
مشاعر الذنب ...
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كأطفال ، لا نحتاج جميعًا إلى التواصل مع والدينا فحسب ، بل أيضًا إلى الانفصال التدريجي عنهم. نحن بحاجة إلى الإعجاب ، و أن نكون محور حياة والدينا ؛ لكننا نحتاج أيضًا إلى الشعور بالكفاءة والقوة المتزايدة في قدرتنا على التغلب على العقبات والسيطرة على التحديات.
نريد في النهاية أن نشعر بالقدرة على المنافسة بثقة ولكن أيضًا أن نسعد بالانتماء إلى أقراننا. بينما نتطور ، سنسعى - وسنحتاج - إلى اعتراف خاص بذكورتنا وأنوثتنا ، إحساس بأن "فتاتنا" و "فتانا" معترف بهما ويقدرهما آباؤهما. نحتاج أن نشعر أنه يمكننا التأثير على والدينا ، وأن احتياجاتنا مهمة ، لكننا أيضاً نحتاج إلى الشعور بأن والدينا يمكنهم الحفاظ على حدودهم واهتماماتهم على الرغم مما قد نطلبه. نحن بحاجة إلى آباء يمكننا الإعجاب بهم والتعريف عنهم بفخر ، ليكون لدينا آباء سعداء يحبون أنفسهم وبعضهم البعض.
الناس لديهم احتياجات كثيرة. لا يمكن تلبيتهم كلهم بشكل مثالي ، لكنهم جميعًا يظلون معنا ، مما يحفز تطورنا النفسي. ومع ذلك ، فإن كل هذه الاحتياجات قابلة للاستهلاك في خدمة الحاجة إلى الأمان النفسي. إذا تمكنا من تجنب أو إصلاح التمزق في علاقاتنا مع آبائنا عن طريق قمع أو تغيير مشاعرنا ورغباتنا وحتى تصوراتنا ، فسنقوم بذلك غريزيًا ، وبطبيعة الحال ، دون تفكير واع.
نحن نتكيف. ضع في اعتبارك تجربة الطفل مع إهمال الوالدين. هل يمكن للطفل أن يفكر : "حسنًا ، والداي يمران بوقت عصيب لأن أبي فقد وظيفته وأمي مدمنة على الكحول. لا يمتلكان شيئا ليفعلوه من أجلي . سأكون قادرًا على الشعور بالرعاية والتقدير في أي مكان آخر في العالم"
من الواضح أن الأمر ليس كذلك . لا يعرف الطفل أي حقيقة غير تلك التي تخلقها عائلته. لا يمكن للطفل أن يذهب ويعيش مع عائلة أخرى. يجب عليه أن يجعل الأمر "صحيحًا" - لجعل البيئة تبدو طبيعية أكثر من أجل التكيف معها بنجاح وأمان. نطور اعتقادنا بأن الحرمان هو الوضع الطبيعي للأمور.
نحن أيضًا نخطو خطوة واحدة مهمة أبعد: نحن نبدأ في الاعتقاد بأن أي رغبة في رعاية خاصة وحب ممنوعة ، ومحظورة ، كما لو كان يعني طلب الكثير ، عن شيء لا يفترض بنا أن نمتلكه. لا يتعين علينا قبول الإهمال فحسب ، بل يجب أن نجعل الأمر يبدو كما لو أن الخطأ يقع علينا وليس على والدينا. ليس الأمر أن والدينا لا يستطيعان العطاء ؛ بل أننا نحن نطلب الكثير.
أخبرني المريض ، مارك ، مؤخرًا في جلسته الأولى أنه شعر بأن زوجته أسيء فهمها وأنه لم يتم تقديرها ، لكنه لم يخبرها أبدًا لأنه شعر بالذنب لأنه أراد شيئًا غير لائق. قال إن زوجته لديها ما يكفي بين يديها من رعاية أطفالها الثلاثة. وتذكر لاحقًا أن والدته كانت تبدو دائمًا على نفس القدر من الإرهاق وأنه على الرغم من أنه كان وحيدًا عندما كان طفلاً ، إلا أنه غالبًا ما شعر بالذنب لكونه محتاجًا للغاية. ألقى مارك باللوم على نفسه لشعوره بالإهمال.
لماذا يطور الطفل مثل هذا الاعتقاد غير العقلاني والهزيمة الذاتية ، وهو المعتقد الذي يسميه المحلل النفسي جوزيف فايس بأنه عامل ممرض لأنه يعمل بشكل واضح ضد أهداف ومصالح الطفل الصحية؟
السبب هو بهدف الحفاظ على سلطة وفضيلة والدينا ، وبالتالي الحفاظ على سلامة علاقتنا بهم. من المعروف أن الأطفال المعتدى عليهم يرفضون بانتظام إدانة والديهم المسيئين. بدلا من ذلك ، يدينون أنفسهم. مع تبرئة والديهم ، يشعر الأطفال بالارتياح بشأن أمن هذه العلاقات. يقال إن معظم الناس يفضلون أن يكونوا خطاة في الجنة على أن يكونوا قديسين في الجحيم ، ويعذرون والديهم باستمرار ، ويتحملون مسؤولية سوء معاملتهم ، ويطورون نظريات خاصة غير واعية لتبرير ذلك. يبدو الأمر كما لو أن الطفل يقول دون وعي ، "كل شيء على ما يرام ... لا أريد الكثير على أي حال. في الواقع ، ربما لا أستحق ذلك حتى. إنها ليست غلطتك؛ بل إنها غلطتي "
يغير الأطفال مسار احتياجاتهم ورغباتهم في خدمة السلامة والتكيف طوال الوقت. أحد الأولاد يثبط قدرته التنافسية الطبيعية لأنه يدرك أن والده يحتاج دائمًا إلى الفوز ، أو أنه يبدأ بالفشل في المدرسة لأنه يستنتج دون وعي من سلوك والده أن الأب سيشعر بالغيرة إذا قام ابنه بعمل أفضل منه . يمكن للأطفال أن يكونوا مدركين تمامًا لوالديهم ولا يسجلون هذه التصورات بوعي أبدًا. كان الصبي الذي لديه والد منافس أو حسود قلقًا بشأن إيذاء والده بقوته ونجاحه ، لكنه ربما لم يسجل الفكرة بوعي مطلقًا ، والدي يتنافس معي ويغار مني. ومع ذلك ، لا يزال الصبي متحمسًا للغاية لقراءة والده للتأكد من بقاء الاثنين على اتصال بأمان. في الواقع ، قد يكون مخطئًا بشكل موضوعي بشأن الدوافع الحقيقية لوالده ، لكن النتيجة واحدة.
كان فرويد قد ركز على حاجة الصبي للتخلي عن ارتباطه الرومانسي بأمه بسبب تهديد الإخصاء من قبل والده الغيور ، لكن الحقيقة هي أن الأطفال يضحون أو يثبطون مساعيهم المعتادة لجميع أنواع الأسباب. أصبحت إحدى مرضاي شديدة الحساسية وخجولة عندما كانت طفلة صغيرة لأنها لم تكن تريد أن تثقل كاهل والدتها المرهقة. نشأت وهي تشعر بالذنب تجاه دوافعها الطبيعية. كشخص بالغ ، إذا شعرت بأي ميل إلى أن تكون كسولًا وتحث صديقك على القيام بالمزيد من التنظيف ، فسوف تشعر بالذنب لأنك "تفلت من شيء ما". مريض آخر واجه صعوبة عندما كان طفلاً في تكوين صداقات لأنه شعر بالذنب لتخليه عن أمه الوحيدة. رداً على شعوره بالذنب ، اعتاد البقاء في المنزل والاحتفاظ برفقتها ، ولعب الورق ، والطهي ، ومشاهدة التلفزيون ، مع التضحية برغبته التنموية الطبيعية في حياة منفصلة مع الأصدقاء وإثارة التحديات الجديدة.
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Michael J Bader
Arousal
Translated by #Maher_Razouk
March 19, 2024
Interesting, judgment-free, and above all, fascinating. Leaving aside the fact that there are so many interesting things in it that I read it very leisurely, I think the way this book is organized really exemplifies the way in which a "non-university" text does not err on the side of either facilitation or oversimplification.
Interessante, privo di giudizi e soprattutto affascinante. Lasciando da parte il fatto che ci sono talmente tante cose interessanti che me lo sono letto con molta calma, credo che il modo in cui sia organizzato questo libro sia veramente esemplificativo del modo in cui un testo "non universitario" non pecchi né di faciloneria né di ipersemplificazione.
Interessante, privo di giudizi e soprattutto affascinante. Lasciando da parte il fatto che ci sono talmente tante cose interessanti che me lo sono letto con molta calma, credo che il modo in cui sia organizzato questo libro sia veramente esemplificativo del modo in cui un testo "non universitario" non pecchi né di faciloneria né di ipersemplificazione.
January 8, 2024
I dug for silver but I found gold in this book. My preconceptions were that (because of the title obviously) this book would be predominantly and perhaps only about sexual fantasies and their meaning. It's much more than that. Bader presents a theory about sexual arousal itself, based on his clinical work as a psychoanalytic psychotherapist,
He weaves the social and psychological with an ease and grace and without wandering in moralism or activism. He describes, investigates and applies his curiousity to this wildly fascinating subject.
I recommend this strongly, mostly to fellow psychotherapists. As a sex therapist myself, I feel this book fills a big gap.
He weaves the social and psychological with an ease and grace and without wandering in moralism or activism. He describes, investigates and applies his curiousity to this wildly fascinating subject.
I recommend this strongly, mostly to fellow psychotherapists. As a sex therapist myself, I feel this book fills a big gap.
June 1, 2022
Libro bellissimo che espone una teoria sull'eccitazione sessuale molto valida, attuale e di stampo psicoanalitico!
January 21, 2023
Fantastic. From the first to its last word. Highly interesting. Very fresh, modern, open minded and open minding. Relieving. Also, nicely written with easily accessible language for everyone. Wonderful tool not only to understand what the book title refers to but also, the meaning and role of shame and guilt in multiple levels of human life.
February 7, 2022
An excellent, thorough book that suggests sexuality, from weird little kinks all the way up to whole orientations, serve a particular psychological function wherein the individual is made to feel "safe" from fears that, more often than not, they didn't know they had. Since Bader is working within a Neo-Freudian/depth psychology paradigm, the majority of that safety and the fear it ameliorates comes from developmental trauma.
Per the text:
"The reasons that childhood abuse often produces adults who get turned on by sexual enactments of dominance and submission do not involve simple imitative learning but, instead, a deep psychological need to transform helplessness into power."
He also explores the intersection of empathy and ruthlessness, which sexual arousal requires to happen at all. I imagine a great deal of his thinking generalizes into everyday life and the other, more boring parts of relationships, but I'm certain of this part in particular.
Empathy is being able to relate to another person, and ruthlessness is being able to separate yourself from them. If you're nothing but empathy in bed, you're not going to be conscious of your own experience, you'll hyperfixate on the experience the other person is having, and you won't be able to manufacture your own arousal, which will likely be perceived by and ruin the other person's good time and create a feedback loop of well-intentioned unpleasantness. In a hookup, that's a guarantee of not being invited back for a repeat performance, and in a relationship, that's impending bed death.
By contrast, if you're nothing but ruthlessness in bed, you don't care about your partner's pleasure at all, and though a surprising number of women are into that (Bader talks about a common female fantasy of the brash, uncaring, kind of dangerous romance novel antihero and the freedom it allows them to not feel like too much/feel too demanding/feel potential guilt for overpowering or intimidating a man with their sexuality in general or their kinks in particular), it's got a built in terminus in a relationship. Objectification is fun and functional, and a necessary component of ruthlessness, but it's not a stable singular foundation if you want the relationship to look anything like "healthy". Ruthlessness to the exclusion of empathy can even lead to trouble in hookups; though it may be the usual rule of the day, you chase it too far and you wind up courting disgust for your intended... what, targets? Victims?
As in all things, you gotta strike a balance. A healthy sex life is made of being empathetic enough that you're not masturbating with someone else's body, but ruthless enough to not obsess over their experience. Imagine a massive, spinning gif of a yin yang here.
In the interest of transparency, I don't buy everything Bader said. He puts too much emphasis on disparate, individual incidents in childhood, and saying "well you're doin that bc the unconscious and you dont KNOW bc it's in the unconscious" is a prescriptivist cop-out. But, again, he's a Jungian. Mystical cop-outs are his prerogative. That his only tool is a hammer and everything is thus a nail doesn't poison this particular well. He's obviously an excellent therapist, an engaging writer, and a very intelligent guy. You'll notice I didn't refer to him as an academic, despite his academic contributions. That's because I have too much respect for the man to insult him like that.
It's an important, informative book, and required reading for anyone in psychology, psychoanalysis, or a weird sex cult.
Per the text:
"The reasons that childhood abuse often produces adults who get turned on by sexual enactments of dominance and submission do not involve simple imitative learning but, instead, a deep psychological need to transform helplessness into power."
He also explores the intersection of empathy and ruthlessness, which sexual arousal requires to happen at all. I imagine a great deal of his thinking generalizes into everyday life and the other, more boring parts of relationships, but I'm certain of this part in particular.
Empathy is being able to relate to another person, and ruthlessness is being able to separate yourself from them. If you're nothing but empathy in bed, you're not going to be conscious of your own experience, you'll hyperfixate on the experience the other person is having, and you won't be able to manufacture your own arousal, which will likely be perceived by and ruin the other person's good time and create a feedback loop of well-intentioned unpleasantness. In a hookup, that's a guarantee of not being invited back for a repeat performance, and in a relationship, that's impending bed death.
By contrast, if you're nothing but ruthlessness in bed, you don't care about your partner's pleasure at all, and though a surprising number of women are into that (Bader talks about a common female fantasy of the brash, uncaring, kind of dangerous romance novel antihero and the freedom it allows them to not feel like too much/feel too demanding/feel potential guilt for overpowering or intimidating a man with their sexuality in general or their kinks in particular), it's got a built in terminus in a relationship. Objectification is fun and functional, and a necessary component of ruthlessness, but it's not a stable singular foundation if you want the relationship to look anything like "healthy". Ruthlessness to the exclusion of empathy can even lead to trouble in hookups; though it may be the usual rule of the day, you chase it too far and you wind up courting disgust for your intended... what, targets? Victims?
As in all things, you gotta strike a balance. A healthy sex life is made of being empathetic enough that you're not masturbating with someone else's body, but ruthless enough to not obsess over their experience. Imagine a massive, spinning gif of a yin yang here.
In the interest of transparency, I don't buy everything Bader said. He puts too much emphasis on disparate, individual incidents in childhood, and saying "well you're doin that bc the unconscious and you dont KNOW bc it's in the unconscious" is a prescriptivist cop-out. But, again, he's a Jungian. Mystical cop-outs are his prerogative. That his only tool is a hammer and everything is thus a nail doesn't poison this particular well. He's obviously an excellent therapist, an engaging writer, and a very intelligent guy. You'll notice I didn't refer to him as an academic, despite his academic contributions. That's because I have too much respect for the man to insult him like that.
It's an important, informative book, and required reading for anyone in psychology, psychoanalysis, or a weird sex cult.
August 9, 2021
This is a great book. It definitely sheds some light on what fantasies are all about and why all the weird and wonderful ones arise and what they are trying to overcome.
It has the benefit of increasing understanding of ones own and others preferences and inclinations, and with this comes more compassion and tolerance for oneself and others too.
I think the model and theory that the author is proposing is quite sound. Though perhaps it isn't fully formed, or fully explained, or fully verified. It still seems a bit speculative, even though the author is a clinician and does employ it with some success in his own therapeutic practices.
Overall, though, this book is definitely an asset for gaining insight in the quest for understanding of desire and arousal. I feel more enlightened about the subject than prior to reading it, which is a very good thing. It doesn't add to the mysteries of arousal and sex, it goes some way to help solve them.
It has the benefit of increasing understanding of ones own and others preferences and inclinations, and with this comes more compassion and tolerance for oneself and others too.
I think the model and theory that the author is proposing is quite sound. Though perhaps it isn't fully formed, or fully explained, or fully verified. It still seems a bit speculative, even though the author is a clinician and does employ it with some success in his own therapeutic practices.
Overall, though, this book is definitely an asset for gaining insight in the quest for understanding of desire and arousal. I feel more enlightened about the subject than prior to reading it, which is a very good thing. It doesn't add to the mysteries of arousal and sex, it goes some way to help solve them.
January 15, 2022
It's an insightful read and the case studies help paint a clearer picture of what's what. Identifying your pathogenic beliefs seems easy enough after reading this book. The hard part is mitigating them. More people should read this.
The only fault I could find is its redundancy, but this is a common issue with most self-help books.
The only fault I could find is its redundancy, but this is a common issue with most self-help books.
January 25, 2025
This is one of the most enlightening books I've read in a while. It enriches my psychotherapy and medical practice, and also broadens my understanding of something people rarely talk about, but is yet so important: Sexual fantasies. I've read a lot about them, but none of the articles I've read, not even the psychoanalytic ones, struck home with me. Michael just gets it, I think. And I've even made a powerpoint of this whole book for all my colleagues. I think Michael is really insightful and knows a great deal about inter- and intrapersonal dynamics. It makes it understandable why feminists can have rape-fantasies, loving and caring men can be ruthlessly dominant in the bedroom, and why for example voyeurism is exciting for some people. This book just makes so much sense.
March 23, 2025
From Eddie from Wes I am so interestedddd!!!!
Well. The cover has the least swag or the most anti swag I’ve ever seen which is demoralizing. But NEVERTHELESS I persist bc the content is already amazing so far. Irked that it’s so long and dense though I really do have a completion drudgery complex. Excited to learn more about the mechanism/inner workings of kink and torture/humiliation fetish! For a friend!
Arousal
- [ ] repetitive. Phew okay tgod that is over. Very intellectual and repetitive and a lot of analysis that didn’t intuitively feel right to me. I like the idea about safety, I maybe see it more as approval at least for myself? Was a bit irritated with the white man centric view but then again it was written by a white man and came out in like 2000 so. Sad to see so many depictions of older women as drained depressive and incapable of keeping a man interested. Still useful though- def wanna ask clients about fantasies of all kinds and incorporate sex. Main takeaway is that sex is important and shame sucks and our fantasies can SHOW us since they’re unconscious keys to our issues and what kinds of experiences and qualities can heal us.
- [ ] Pleasure and kink might be about the scenarios in which you can feel safety
- [ ] Survival and separation guilt interfere with pleasure
- [ ] Sexual fantasy helps integrate/give hints about/bypass and neutralize complexes (guilt that blocks sexual excitement) - psyche/imagination generates its own medicine
- [ ] Guilt bc puritan sex is bad shamed as kids, bc it can involve selfish aggro urges
- [ ] Sexual fantasies help neutralize/thwart/get around shame and guilt and rejection, anything that prevents pleasure 39
- [ ] Can’t remember where this was from but masochism to make yourself safe against perfectionism- if ur letting someone do whatever they want to you there’s no way you can be doing it wrong bc ur doing nothing at all
- [ ] 42 identification- absorb parents mental states naturally as a kid also as way to feel close. Exhaustion discontentment raging, self conscious, not good enough
- [ ] Fantasies tend to blocks such as guilt shame so that pleasure and excitement can emerge 48
- [ ] Like physics fantasy can sometimes play up the opposite trait/experience (reaction formation style) to overcompensate for feeling !x
- [ ] Fantasies can counteract depression and helplessness too 80
- [ ] Identification with parent emotions (osmosis) also quals you abhor most - id with unhappy mom 88
- [ ] “The details of their chores are intended to create the conditions of psychosocial safety so that the person can get aroused” (94) often by giving the opposite quality in a reaction formation type way
- [ ] Seducing powerful men so you get it by proxy 104
- [ ] 114 sex can help people overcome shame and regain control ex kink reenacting trauma / helplessness where you’re having the “same experience “ but r actually in control this time
- [ ] 119 focus on the feeling it generates in you or others perception of you, created to give u what u need
- [ ] 126 rape fantasy ID with the abuser H
- [ ] 177 fighting to unconsciously create psychological distance
- [ ] Sharing fantasies with one another
- [ ] Ask pts about fantasies to unlock true yearnings / core beliefs
- [ ] 181 explore when they get aroused/inhibited - what conditions? Including fantasies
- [ ] 187 fantasy- mind creates ways to feel pleasure under safe conditions
- [ ] 197 sex problems/fantasies subconsciously designed as medicine to those problems - life problems (fractal reality)
- [ ] 199 pts subconsciously test therapist to see if they’re safe or will retraumatize
- [ ] 203 one way of testing passive into active doing unto therapist as was done unto you- will they survive your destruction?
- [ ] 204 need corrective experiences that disprove pathogenic beliefs- so try lots of new things and ways of being to have new experiences!
- [ ] 207 bader uses sexual fantasies as blueprint for core beliefs to mold treatment and anticipate the kinds of tests the pt will give therapist and how it would be healing for the therapist to react
- [ ] 211 again- fantasies as creative and adaptive solutions to problems of safety
- [ ] 215 again- w- a man who prefers to be rough and dominant in bed bc of his partners sexual arousal reassures him against his pathogenic belief that his aggression is highly destructive- therapy can help lessen the guilt
- [ ] Patriarchy bad for everyone - women need to be feminine and don’t need to renounce identification with masculinity/dad but guys do —> objectification? Rejecting part of yourself (masc fem ) is always bad
- [ ] Last chapter- internet is both an escape and a way to try to connect/address loneliness
- [ ] Sexual fantasy analysis- Not about why people have that desire but understanding why their normal pursuit of pleasure requires this specific scenario in order to be safely experienced. Why does that specific thing make them feel safe enough to feel pleasure. I think it’s more abt approval ex masochism - m counterphobic praised for being tough strong enjoying iud
- [ ] this is prob 3 stars but im in a foul m00d and the white man women are destined to age badly and languish thing really pissed me off
Well. The cover has the least swag or the most anti swag I’ve ever seen which is demoralizing. But NEVERTHELESS I persist bc the content is already amazing so far. Irked that it’s so long and dense though I really do have a completion drudgery complex. Excited to learn more about the mechanism/inner workings of kink and torture/humiliation fetish! For a friend!
Arousal
- [ ] repetitive. Phew okay tgod that is over. Very intellectual and repetitive and a lot of analysis that didn’t intuitively feel right to me. I like the idea about safety, I maybe see it more as approval at least for myself? Was a bit irritated with the white man centric view but then again it was written by a white man and came out in like 2000 so. Sad to see so many depictions of older women as drained depressive and incapable of keeping a man interested. Still useful though- def wanna ask clients about fantasies of all kinds and incorporate sex. Main takeaway is that sex is important and shame sucks and our fantasies can SHOW us since they’re unconscious keys to our issues and what kinds of experiences and qualities can heal us.
- [ ] Pleasure and kink might be about the scenarios in which you can feel safety
- [ ] Survival and separation guilt interfere with pleasure
- [ ] Sexual fantasy helps integrate/give hints about/bypass and neutralize complexes (guilt that blocks sexual excitement) - psyche/imagination generates its own medicine
- [ ] Guilt bc puritan sex is bad shamed as kids, bc it can involve selfish aggro urges
- [ ] Sexual fantasies help neutralize/thwart/get around shame and guilt and rejection, anything that prevents pleasure 39
- [ ] Can’t remember where this was from but masochism to make yourself safe against perfectionism- if ur letting someone do whatever they want to you there’s no way you can be doing it wrong bc ur doing nothing at all
- [ ] 42 identification- absorb parents mental states naturally as a kid also as way to feel close. Exhaustion discontentment raging, self conscious, not good enough
- [ ] Fantasies tend to blocks such as guilt shame so that pleasure and excitement can emerge 48
- [ ] Like physics fantasy can sometimes play up the opposite trait/experience (reaction formation style) to overcompensate for feeling !x
- [ ] Fantasies can counteract depression and helplessness too 80
- [ ] Identification with parent emotions (osmosis) also quals you abhor most - id with unhappy mom 88
- [ ] “The details of their chores are intended to create the conditions of psychosocial safety so that the person can get aroused” (94) often by giving the opposite quality in a reaction formation type way
- [ ] Seducing powerful men so you get it by proxy 104
- [ ] 114 sex can help people overcome shame and regain control ex kink reenacting trauma / helplessness where you’re having the “same experience “ but r actually in control this time
- [ ] 119 focus on the feeling it generates in you or others perception of you, created to give u what u need
- [ ] 126 rape fantasy ID with the abuser H
- [ ] 177 fighting to unconsciously create psychological distance
- [ ] Sharing fantasies with one another
- [ ] Ask pts about fantasies to unlock true yearnings / core beliefs
- [ ] 181 explore when they get aroused/inhibited - what conditions? Including fantasies
- [ ] 187 fantasy- mind creates ways to feel pleasure under safe conditions
- [ ] 197 sex problems/fantasies subconsciously designed as medicine to those problems - life problems (fractal reality)
- [ ] 199 pts subconsciously test therapist to see if they’re safe or will retraumatize
- [ ] 203 one way of testing passive into active doing unto therapist as was done unto you- will they survive your destruction?
- [ ] 204 need corrective experiences that disprove pathogenic beliefs- so try lots of new things and ways of being to have new experiences!
- [ ] 207 bader uses sexual fantasies as blueprint for core beliefs to mold treatment and anticipate the kinds of tests the pt will give therapist and how it would be healing for the therapist to react
- [ ] 211 again- fantasies as creative and adaptive solutions to problems of safety
- [ ] 215 again- w- a man who prefers to be rough and dominant in bed bc of his partners sexual arousal reassures him against his pathogenic belief that his aggression is highly destructive- therapy can help lessen the guilt
- [ ] Patriarchy bad for everyone - women need to be feminine and don’t need to renounce identification with masculinity/dad but guys do —> objectification? Rejecting part of yourself (masc fem ) is always bad
- [ ] Last chapter- internet is both an escape and a way to try to connect/address loneliness
- [ ] Sexual fantasy analysis- Not about why people have that desire but understanding why their normal pursuit of pleasure requires this specific scenario in order to be safely experienced. Why does that specific thing make them feel safe enough to feel pleasure. I think it’s more abt approval ex masochism - m counterphobic praised for being tough strong enjoying iud
- [ ] this is prob 3 stars but im in a foul m00d and the white man women are destined to age badly and languish thing really pissed me off
June 12, 2025
therapist friends!!! read! super informative.
November 16, 2023
An eye-opening book, would highly recommend to everyone
June 8, 2021
It's not a good thing when I am relieved to finish reading a book about sex. That said, the fact that I reached the end rather than gave up meant there was some good information and the first part of the book was definitely more interesting than the second part, where I started wondering just how many different ways the author could restate and pontificate on the same ideas.
Written by a psychoanalyst, this book posits the idea that sexual fantasies are a way to create conditions of safety necessary to get aroused by overcoming maladaptive thoughts formed in childhood and that by understanding sexual fantasies things that seem unrelated, like depression and anxiety, can be resolved. I am a therapist, though I drawn towards more evidence based forms of therapy such as CBT, ACT and DBT rather than psychoanalysis, which I associate with Freud and sexism. While I have heard that modern psychoanalysis has changed a lot since the days of Freud this was the first time I have read from a therapist who practices psychoanalysis, so it was interesting to see a more modern form of psychoanalysis in action, including how in some ways it parallels CBT. I also thought his thoughts about some therapeutic processes were interesting and enlightening. I can definitely respect this more modern form of psychanalysis more than the type that Freud ushered in and the book was at its strongest when it detailed how he used psychoanalysis to help people.
I enjoyed the case studies very much and found them fascinating and illuminating. But midway through the case studies stopped, and once that happened I lost interest in the book. Strangely at some level it feels as though the author was cognizant of the danger he was walking in when he talked about people asking if he would including the sexual fantasy equivalent of a dream encyclopedia. Basically when he started using a big paintbrush to explain fantasies rather than focusing on how fantasies made sense in the context of an individual's life, it felt like the wishy-washy "well perhaps this applies for some people but it doesn't resonate with my experience" problem that you get with Freud. What worked rather well in the context of putting an individual's life in context lost cohesion when trying to explain things en masse. And this is where the book became downright tedious and repetitive. I wish instead of going in this direction the author had spent some time going into more practical aspects of his hypothesis.
While there is a lot that rings true in his ideas, it is also highly anecdotal and leaves out a lot of cognitive priming, genetic factors and sensory issues. That said, his explanations make a lot more sense then behavioristic explanations, which never felt satisfying to me.
I would recommend this with caveats.
Written by a psychoanalyst, this book posits the idea that sexual fantasies are a way to create conditions of safety necessary to get aroused by overcoming maladaptive thoughts formed in childhood and that by understanding sexual fantasies things that seem unrelated, like depression and anxiety, can be resolved. I am a therapist, though I drawn towards more evidence based forms of therapy such as CBT, ACT and DBT rather than psychoanalysis, which I associate with Freud and sexism. While I have heard that modern psychoanalysis has changed a lot since the days of Freud this was the first time I have read from a therapist who practices psychoanalysis, so it was interesting to see a more modern form of psychoanalysis in action, including how in some ways it parallels CBT. I also thought his thoughts about some therapeutic processes were interesting and enlightening. I can definitely respect this more modern form of psychanalysis more than the type that Freud ushered in and the book was at its strongest when it detailed how he used psychoanalysis to help people.
I enjoyed the case studies very much and found them fascinating and illuminating. But midway through the case studies stopped, and once that happened I lost interest in the book. Strangely at some level it feels as though the author was cognizant of the danger he was walking in when he talked about people asking if he would including the sexual fantasy equivalent of a dream encyclopedia. Basically when he started using a big paintbrush to explain fantasies rather than focusing on how fantasies made sense in the context of an individual's life, it felt like the wishy-washy "well perhaps this applies for some people but it doesn't resonate with my experience" problem that you get with Freud. What worked rather well in the context of putting an individual's life in context lost cohesion when trying to explain things en masse. And this is where the book became downright tedious and repetitive. I wish instead of going in this direction the author had spent some time going into more practical aspects of his hypothesis.
While there is a lot that rings true in his ideas, it is also highly anecdotal and leaves out a lot of cognitive priming, genetic factors and sensory issues. That said, his explanations make a lot more sense then behavioristic explanations, which never felt satisfying to me.
I would recommend this with caveats.
June 10, 2018
Ground-breaking study. Bader's main thesis, that successful fantasies (the ones that reliably get you excited) are the ones that manage to bypass the parts of your mental life that might get in the way. And the more imposing the blocks are in the way of your sexuality, the more intricate and exacting your fantasies might have to be to get around them.
The ideal situation is to have had trusting, encouraging, and rich enough childhood experiences with caregivers that later in adult life you can be free to be sufficiently "ruthless" enough with sex partners to enjoy real passion with them -- since passion requires ruthlessness. Without this freedom, you're too constricted by worry that you're going to hurt someone or worse be abandoned by them.
The book is also a reasonably good introduction to "control-mastery theory." But the author's enthusiasm for control-mastery theory, and for its founders, makes the beginning of the book slow-going for anyone who's just interested in Bader's ideas about sex.
The ideal situation is to have had trusting, encouraging, and rich enough childhood experiences with caregivers that later in adult life you can be free to be sufficiently "ruthless" enough with sex partners to enjoy real passion with them -- since passion requires ruthlessness. Without this freedom, you're too constricted by worry that you're going to hurt someone or worse be abandoned by them.
The book is also a reasonably good introduction to "control-mastery theory." But the author's enthusiasm for control-mastery theory, and for its founders, makes the beginning of the book slow-going for anyone who's just interested in Bader's ideas about sex.
December 4, 2016
Not what I expected
As the author said, every person and every mind is different, so this book doesn't offer a good framework for sexual fantasies, just a set of few examples that area talked again and again during the book.
As the author said, every person and every mind is different, so this book doesn't offer a good framework for sexual fantasies, just a set of few examples that area talked again and again during the book.
April 12, 2025
Interesting take on the psychology of relationships and how they are connected to childhood trauma and society.
Some info is outdated (like the use of technology), but the basis of the findings can still be relevant in the sense of the working mind.
Some info is outdated (like the use of technology), but the basis of the findings can still be relevant in the sense of the working mind.
September 2, 2016
Some interesting thoughts, but I think I'll stick to Jack Morin.
November 13, 2016
The ideas in the book are thought provoking, but the book is written in a way that makes reading it a slog. I give it's content 5 stars, but I have to take 2 back for the writing.
January 5, 2022
Molto interessante
Want to read
March 11, 2024part of the contrapoints twilight analysis reference list
December 21, 2023
Right off the bat, Bader supported a couple of my own theories, first that Freud was a genius when it came to his ideas about unconscious drives, but was kind of a moron when it came to his ideas about sex (Bader does not put it nearly so bluntly!), and second that people's sexual fantasies often work out issues that have little to do with sex. But he is a more profound thinker than I am, and has more compassion on those who feel more need to be distant and ruthless, so this book did far more for me than support my own preconceived notions.
Bader also solved a couple of puzzles I have been grappling with. I have always been a little bit skeptical of the claim that the common female fantasy of being dominated within sex is just a way for repressed women to free themselves of making the choice to have sex; I'm sure that's true of many but I wasn't raised with a lot of sexual repression and it never rang true for me, nor did it seem true of a lot of women I've talked to who share that fantasy.
Bader's suggestion that women fantasize about being overpowered by a strong man because the woman fears hurting a weak one rang true to me. The men in my life have not been weak -- my dad is a force of nature, while my brother and husband both get done pretty much anything they commit to doing -- but I've always been keenly aware of their weaknesses. My dad, for instance, I saw as handicapped by his need to conform, and to meet social expectations. From a fairly early age, I felt like I knew my own mind, and made my own choices, in a way he never has. I could see my husband's weaknesses from almost the git go as well, and didn't want to exploit them.
My friends who shared that dominance fantasy but also didn't seem to be dealing with sexual repression were very strong women, many of whom saw men in general as weak, let alone the men in their lives. I think Bader's claim that the fantasy of being dominated expresses the woman's belief that she is too strong for a man is often the case -- although I don't doubt that the more traditional interpretation that using that fantasy is a way for women to dodge responsibility for having sex is true as well. That's certainly what's going on with many a romance.
But, as Bader points out, what a sexual fantasy means varies from person to person. I'm sure he shares my skepticism about "dream dictionaries" of the sort that tell you "this thing in your dream means thus and so." People are more complex than that. There are plenty of books on the market that "explain" the meaning of sexual fantasies in that mindless way. This one goes much deeper, and tries to give the reader more tools for understanding themselves and others.
And while Bader does not directly grapple with the fact that many women who have been in abusive relationships report that sex with their abuser was sometimes the best sex they've had, physically speaking, some of what he does have to say maybe helped me to understand that phenomenon. He points out something I'd already figured out, namely that "we should never make the mistake of assuming that psychologically healthy people have the most intensely exciting sex," which I've thought before, but he helped to crystalize some of the reasons some of the most messed up people have "great sex" by the social definition. At one point in my life, it seemed that the people who claim the most intense and exciting sex lives have the worst lives overall, so I'd already come to the conclusion that intense and exciting sex is not necessarily good sex. While Bader doesn't make an direct connection between intensely pleasurable sex being more common in lives that are kind of miserable overall, reading his book I developed a better understanding of why that happens so often.
He is also proposing an alternative understanding of sexual fantasies, one that does not argue that children naturally have primitive and sadistic sexual desires involving the wish to have sex with or destroy our parents that they must somehow repress, but rather sees people as using the pleasures of sex to manage psychological pain. I think he gets that right.
Bader also solved a couple of puzzles I have been grappling with. I have always been a little bit skeptical of the claim that the common female fantasy of being dominated within sex is just a way for repressed women to free themselves of making the choice to have sex; I'm sure that's true of many but I wasn't raised with a lot of sexual repression and it never rang true for me, nor did it seem true of a lot of women I've talked to who share that fantasy.
Bader's suggestion that women fantasize about being overpowered by a strong man because the woman fears hurting a weak one rang true to me. The men in my life have not been weak -- my dad is a force of nature, while my brother and husband both get done pretty much anything they commit to doing -- but I've always been keenly aware of their weaknesses. My dad, for instance, I saw as handicapped by his need to conform, and to meet social expectations. From a fairly early age, I felt like I knew my own mind, and made my own choices, in a way he never has. I could see my husband's weaknesses from almost the git go as well, and didn't want to exploit them.
My friends who shared that dominance fantasy but also didn't seem to be dealing with sexual repression were very strong women, many of whom saw men in general as weak, let alone the men in their lives. I think Bader's claim that the fantasy of being dominated expresses the woman's belief that she is too strong for a man is often the case -- although I don't doubt that the more traditional interpretation that using that fantasy is a way for women to dodge responsibility for having sex is true as well. That's certainly what's going on with many a romance.
But, as Bader points out, what a sexual fantasy means varies from person to person. I'm sure he shares my skepticism about "dream dictionaries" of the sort that tell you "this thing in your dream means thus and so." People are more complex than that. There are plenty of books on the market that "explain" the meaning of sexual fantasies in that mindless way. This one goes much deeper, and tries to give the reader more tools for understanding themselves and others.
And while Bader does not directly grapple with the fact that many women who have been in abusive relationships report that sex with their abuser was sometimes the best sex they've had, physically speaking, some of what he does have to say maybe helped me to understand that phenomenon. He points out something I'd already figured out, namely that "we should never make the mistake of assuming that psychologically healthy people have the most intensely exciting sex," which I've thought before, but he helped to crystalize some of the reasons some of the most messed up people have "great sex" by the social definition. At one point in my life, it seemed that the people who claim the most intense and exciting sex lives have the worst lives overall, so I'd already come to the conclusion that intense and exciting sex is not necessarily good sex. While Bader doesn't make an direct connection between intensely pleasurable sex being more common in lives that are kind of miserable overall, reading his book I developed a better understanding of why that happens so often.
He is also proposing an alternative understanding of sexual fantasies, one that does not argue that children naturally have primitive and sadistic sexual desires involving the wish to have sex with or destroy our parents that they must somehow repress, but rather sees people as using the pleasures of sex to manage psychological pain. I think he gets that right.
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