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The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection
What does loneliness tell us? "Be it chronic or acute, slight or significant, loneliness is proof of our relational design. At the core of our being is this truth―we are designed for and defined by our relationships," former pastors Plass and Cofield write. "We were born with a relentless longing to participate in the lives of others. Fundamentally, we are relational souls." Our ability to make deep and emotionally satisfying connections rests on the capacity to trust, and we all know trust can be difficult. Early-life relational "programming" and patterns of attachment can serve as blueprints for relationships later in life, whether good or bad. But no matter our conditioning, God is out to reclaim and restructure the deepest terrain of the human soul by helping us shed our reactive "False Self" and put on our receptive "True Self." Through spiritual disciplines and a conscious participation in the love of the Father, Son and Spirit, we transform our self-awareness and our connection with other people. Authored by counselor Dr. Richard Plass and spiritual director James Cofield, The Relational Soul brings together concepts from psychology and spiritual formation. Each chapter includes introductory stories and practical "If this is true, what about you?" questions to help readers engage in relationships in more life-giving ways. When the presence of Christ and community connects with a soul that is open, we witness the miracle of transformation.
189 pages, Paperback
First published July 17, 2014
239 people are currently reading
1664 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 89 reviews
April 18, 2020
This book ought to come with a warning: that at some point in these pages, the authors will describe a relational pattern or recurring behavior that fits you SO unbelievably perfectly, you’ll be left feeling totally exposed and found out. This book is incredible—but depending on your relational history and your openness to being challenged, it can be brutal. Just a really smart and gentle and encouraging exploration of what it means that we are, by God’s design, relational beings—and a thoughtful consideration of some of the snares and issues that come with that. Great book for marriages, friendships, families—for any people in any relationships.
December 14, 2020
2 stars out of 5
Pros: The book has some good points. Very straightforward and easy to read while still getting to the heart of most relational issues. If more people would apply these principles, relationships would be a lot better. Definitely for the church crowd, but there are some takeaway points that could be applied to any relationship.
Cons: I think this book would probably isolate non-Christians - it's less accessible to that demographic for sure. I found that the book also had a strong start and finish, but the middle became very repetitive/redundant with the same points (opening up to others and God, loving others and God, etc.). In addition, the biggest failing of this book is that it doesn't give more helpful ideas/instructions about HOW to actually move into relational-soul-status. There was an awful lot of 'we need to do xyz to develop better relationships', but very little advice about ways to implement those goals and what to do in difficult circumstances. For example, I had questions about:
-When (if at all) is it appropriate to not be entirely open with another individual?
- What do to if you are trying to be open, but the other person in the relationship isn't?
- How can you implement an open-life policy as a person who appreciates and values personal privacy? Is that a bad thing?
- How can a person push small groups towards healthier relational behavior when a group doesn't want to move that way?
There were just a lot of little things for me. The ideas in this book sound great, but in real-world application more guidance is needed to fully adopt this approach. I understand this book can't account for every situation, but a few examples of the actual implementation process would greatly strengthen it.
Pros: The book has some good points. Very straightforward and easy to read while still getting to the heart of most relational issues. If more people would apply these principles, relationships would be a lot better. Definitely for the church crowd, but there are some takeaway points that could be applied to any relationship.
Cons: I think this book would probably isolate non-Christians - it's less accessible to that demographic for sure. I found that the book also had a strong start and finish, but the middle became very repetitive/redundant with the same points (opening up to others and God, loving others and God, etc.). In addition, the biggest failing of this book is that it doesn't give more helpful ideas/instructions about HOW to actually move into relational-soul-status. There was an awful lot of 'we need to do xyz to develop better relationships', but very little advice about ways to implement those goals and what to do in difficult circumstances. For example, I had questions about:
-When (if at all) is it appropriate to not be entirely open with another individual?
- What do to if you are trying to be open, but the other person in the relationship isn't?
- How can you implement an open-life policy as a person who appreciates and values personal privacy? Is that a bad thing?
- How can a person push small groups towards healthier relational behavior when a group doesn't want to move that way?
There were just a lot of little things for me. The ideas in this book sound great, but in real-world application more guidance is needed to fully adopt this approach. I understand this book can't account for every situation, but a few examples of the actual implementation process would greatly strengthen it.
August 25, 2018
This pastoral book is mostly about how trusting in Christ transforms our ability to truly love and understand others as well as be loved and understood by others. I appreciated the emphasis on community. It’s one you’d need to slowly “work” your way through to fully appreciate.
July 6, 2025
Such a good book. I’d recommend to anyone seeking for closer connections within themselves, with others and with God. Very soul-comforting and encouraging🥰
June 1, 2020
An insightful, penetrating, and encouraging book. Rooted in Scripture and drawing on psychology, pastoral counseling, the Christian tradition, and Christian spirituality, this book helps you move from false self, mistrustful reaction to true self, trustful receptivity. The principles here are based on the biblical assumption that we are hard-wired for relationship. Indeed, community precedes individuality, as the authors note. We cannot experience change (even and especially as adults) by ourselves. Change comes in relationship with the Triune God and with the community of faith and family.
August 10, 2015
Summary: Our relational capacity is essential to being human but often hindered by the false self that struggles with trust, but may be transformed through God's gracious intervention, often through other people, that allows us to receive the gift of discovering our true self.
It is too rare that I read a book that develops an idea with a succinct, logical flow that connects head, heart and human spirit, and does so with just enough explanation and illustration and nothing extra. This is such a book, and on a subject so basic to the nature of being human -- our hunger and drive for meaningful relationships.
Plass and Cofield begin the book by contending that we were created for relationship, for enjoying meaningful connections with others. How we make, or fail to make attachments is formed very early in life and our "emotional thermostat" is set by our early attachment patterns--avoidant, ambivalent, scattered, or stable. Growing in our capacity begins with awareness of these patterns and our conscious and even unconscious memories and a receptivity of moving from distrust to trust.
They then turn to a construct others such as David Benner have discussed in formational work, the "false self". These authors particularly focus on the mistrusting soul, that is both guarded in its trust of others and reliant upon oneself to project a self that we can control that we think will gain us affirmation while protecting ourselves from hurt. The breakthrough in relationships comes when Christ comes to us in grace, often through another person, and we experience relational connection as a gift rather than an achievement we control. This opens the door to discovery of our true selves, which comes through receptivity that begins to accept oneself with all our limits and losses, because we are accepted by Christ.
The second half of the book goes deeper into this journey of discovering true self in relationship by first of all exploring how our stories connect to God's story and help connect head and heart. Community is crucial in deepening our relational connections--community that is particular, mysterious, and messy--in other words real rather than some idealized place. Plass and Cofield commend the four disciplines of silence, solitude, contemplative reading of scripture and contemplative prayer as disciplines that nurture the relational soul. They conclude by talking about the long, patient journey of love into relational wholeness, one that involves openness, curiosity, and acceptance of limits and loss.
The book includes a bibliography of further readings, helps in developing one's life map, and a brief introduction to the Enneagram (probably the least helpful aspect of the book because of the lack of instruction in how to discern one's personality style). Each chapter includes helpful reflection questions for personal or group discussion.
It seems to me that this is a good book to read in the context of working with a spiritual director or for individuals or groups wanting to go deeper in their understanding of relational alienation and relational disconnectedness. This seems especially important in this age of projected selves on social media where we may have many "friends" but rarely if ever experience deep connection with humans or God.
It is too rare that I read a book that develops an idea with a succinct, logical flow that connects head, heart and human spirit, and does so with just enough explanation and illustration and nothing extra. This is such a book, and on a subject so basic to the nature of being human -- our hunger and drive for meaningful relationships.
Plass and Cofield begin the book by contending that we were created for relationship, for enjoying meaningful connections with others. How we make, or fail to make attachments is formed very early in life and our "emotional thermostat" is set by our early attachment patterns--avoidant, ambivalent, scattered, or stable. Growing in our capacity begins with awareness of these patterns and our conscious and even unconscious memories and a receptivity of moving from distrust to trust.
They then turn to a construct others such as David Benner have discussed in formational work, the "false self". These authors particularly focus on the mistrusting soul, that is both guarded in its trust of others and reliant upon oneself to project a self that we can control that we think will gain us affirmation while protecting ourselves from hurt. The breakthrough in relationships comes when Christ comes to us in grace, often through another person, and we experience relational connection as a gift rather than an achievement we control. This opens the door to discovery of our true selves, which comes through receptivity that begins to accept oneself with all our limits and losses, because we are accepted by Christ.
The second half of the book goes deeper into this journey of discovering true self in relationship by first of all exploring how our stories connect to God's story and help connect head and heart. Community is crucial in deepening our relational connections--community that is particular, mysterious, and messy--in other words real rather than some idealized place. Plass and Cofield commend the four disciplines of silence, solitude, contemplative reading of scripture and contemplative prayer as disciplines that nurture the relational soul. They conclude by talking about the long, patient journey of love into relational wholeness, one that involves openness, curiosity, and acceptance of limits and loss.
The book includes a bibliography of further readings, helps in developing one's life map, and a brief introduction to the Enneagram (probably the least helpful aspect of the book because of the lack of instruction in how to discern one's personality style). Each chapter includes helpful reflection questions for personal or group discussion.
It seems to me that this is a good book to read in the context of working with a spiritual director or for individuals or groups wanting to go deeper in their understanding of relational alienation and relational disconnectedness. This seems especially important in this age of projected selves on social media where we may have many "friends" but rarely if ever experience deep connection with humans or God.
August 29, 2025
August 2025 - Rating 5 stars.
This is the third time I’ve read this book and I get more out of it each time. The “capacity to trust”, “learned level of intimacy”, and “receptivity”are concepts that really hit me this time. I also am taking away the importance of telling my story is my work to do and understanding that transformation is God’s terrain and isn’t mine to achieve. God is good and at work. He is trustworthy. I highly recommend this book, the authors, and CrossPoint Ministry.
March 2022 - Rating 4.5 stars.
The first commandment is to love God and love others. Humans were made relational, yet sin and brokenness break relationship. The authors do an incredible job in this book showing the biblical principles and our human propensities, as well as a path and invitation forward.
I had so many aha moments in this reread - about curiosity, patience, and surrender. I also saw the spiritual disciplines in new ways. This is definitely a book to keep close and read excerpts from as a gentle reminder of God’s love and power to transform and my role as a willing participant.
December 2014 - Rating 4 stars.
This is the third time I’ve read this book and I get more out of it each time. The “capacity to trust”, “learned level of intimacy”, and “receptivity”are concepts that really hit me this time. I also am taking away the importance of telling my story is my work to do and understanding that transformation is God’s terrain and isn’t mine to achieve. God is good and at work. He is trustworthy. I highly recommend this book, the authors, and CrossPoint Ministry.
March 2022 - Rating 4.5 stars.
The first commandment is to love God and love others. Humans were made relational, yet sin and brokenness break relationship. The authors do an incredible job in this book showing the biblical principles and our human propensities, as well as a path and invitation forward.
I had so many aha moments in this reread - about curiosity, patience, and surrender. I also saw the spiritual disciplines in new ways. This is definitely a book to keep close and read excerpts from as a gentle reminder of God’s love and power to transform and my role as a willing participant.
December 2014 - Rating 4 stars.
January 1, 2019
This book was disappointing.
Firstly, the amount of spelling and grammar errors was astounding. These errors would have been easily caught by someone slowly reading the book ONCE aloud. The sheer amount of errors made me skeptical of the authors.
Secondly, one of the first things the book discusses is that who you are now is based on the memories that you don't remember. But if you try to remember them long enough than you will. Given the researched fallibility of human memory I think that it is incredibly irresponsible to attempt to convince readers that the memories that they can't remember unless they try really hard are the reason that they are behaving the way they are. I'd recommend that people talk to a trained therapist before they start potentially making up memories for themselves.
That said, I agree with the general purpose of the book. Maybe just read the back of the book? Or the second half? Or a different book that does a better job of addressing the point?
Firstly, the amount of spelling and grammar errors was astounding. These errors would have been easily caught by someone slowly reading the book ONCE aloud. The sheer amount of errors made me skeptical of the authors.
Secondly, one of the first things the book discusses is that who you are now is based on the memories that you don't remember. But if you try to remember them long enough than you will. Given the researched fallibility of human memory I think that it is incredibly irresponsible to attempt to convince readers that the memories that they can't remember unless they try really hard are the reason that they are behaving the way they are. I'd recommend that people talk to a trained therapist before they start potentially making up memories for themselves.
That said, I agree with the general purpose of the book. Maybe just read the back of the book? Or the second half? Or a different book that does a better job of addressing the point?
May 7, 2024
If I could do 4.25 I would. This book is great for what it is. I read the first half a long while ago and finished the second half today. One of my favorite sections in the second half I'll most readily be able to use is the discussion of the four contemplative spiritual disciplines.
Two things I wish were different:
1) as a therapist I wish they'd just gone a couple steps farther and actually cited attachment and integration and psychological concepts within the text. The bibliography is big and I know those concepts are there, but I wish it had pushed a little further into science in the actual text itself to not only lend itself credibility but also to provide further integration of science and faith.
2) as a single woman, I really wish there was more content specifically discussing nontraditional intimacy in relationships, found family, and specific challenges for those who don't meet the stereotypical spouse and 2.5 kids model of evangelical Christianity. We need relationships too, and so many of the examples provided were about marriage. I left a few sections feeling overlooked and frustrated.
The discussion and reflection questions are insightful. The material is helpful and challenging if you actually engage with it. This framework is certainly integrating psychology as a science and faith, even if it isn't saying it explicitly. There is so much application someone could do, so much inner work to focus on. For that, this book is very beneficial.
Two things I wish were different:
1) as a therapist I wish they'd just gone a couple steps farther and actually cited attachment and integration and psychological concepts within the text. The bibliography is big and I know those concepts are there, but I wish it had pushed a little further into science in the actual text itself to not only lend itself credibility but also to provide further integration of science and faith.
2) as a single woman, I really wish there was more content specifically discussing nontraditional intimacy in relationships, found family, and specific challenges for those who don't meet the stereotypical spouse and 2.5 kids model of evangelical Christianity. We need relationships too, and so many of the examples provided were about marriage. I left a few sections feeling overlooked and frustrated.
The discussion and reflection questions are insightful. The material is helpful and challenging if you actually engage with it. This framework is certainly integrating psychology as a science and faith, even if it isn't saying it explicitly. There is so much application someone could do, so much inner work to focus on. For that, this book is very beneficial.
September 25, 2017
This is a pastoral work written by two ministers who lead a spiritual renewal center. The book delves into how the human personality is formed And it's subsequent impact on our capacity to enjoy true community.
The voice is uplifting while carefully laying out the dominant personality types affecting an individual's capacity to be their "true-self". The goal of the authors is to provide a clear understanding of how life events form us and what we can do to no longer be enslaved to insecurities, false images or a number of other undesirable character traits.
Community is heavily emphasized. It was this aspect of the book that I most appreciated.
Throughout the ten chapters there were some repetitive ideas but the strengths of this book are the solid biblical foundation, vision for community, pastoral tone and the simple explanations to some of our tough personality challenges.
The voice is uplifting while carefully laying out the dominant personality types affecting an individual's capacity to be their "true-self". The goal of the authors is to provide a clear understanding of how life events form us and what we can do to no longer be enslaved to insecurities, false images or a number of other undesirable character traits.
Community is heavily emphasized. It was this aspect of the book that I most appreciated.
Throughout the ten chapters there were some repetitive ideas but the strengths of this book are the solid biblical foundation, vision for community, pastoral tone and the simple explanations to some of our tough personality challenges.
September 14, 2023
There is something so refreshing about reading what feels like quite a contemporary message on the self grounded in biblical truth. A recognition that the issues we face are weighted and heavy, but that the answer cannot be found from within, but must be found from above. We will only find true peace in who the Lord says that we are because we were never designed to live according to the standards of this world and the flesh !!!
What grace that we do not have to create a life of value in our own strength and in accordance with our own reason, but instead we get to surrender to the Lord and be led by his righteousness.
'Fundamentally and ultimately, our souls are restructured through the indwelling presence of the One who lives in perfect loving communion with the Father.'
'What is most true about us flourishes as we find our lives in His life.'
'Surrender, even when seemingly foolish, in time forms a quality of life that reason will never find.'
What grace that we do not have to create a life of value in our own strength and in accordance with our own reason, but instead we get to surrender to the Lord and be led by his righteousness.
'Fundamentally and ultimately, our souls are restructured through the indwelling presence of the One who lives in perfect loving communion with the Father.'
'What is most true about us flourishes as we find our lives in His life.'
'Surrender, even when seemingly foolish, in time forms a quality of life that reason will never find.'
June 19, 2025
I’m usually nervous about using the terms “true self” and “false self” in church/Christian settings because it can be reductionistic and self-helpy at worst, or lean towards schools of Christianity that overvalue contemplative practices at the expense of proven, fruitful means of grace. This book helped bridge the gap of those two camps in my head with a healthy definition of “false self” based on a correct doctrine of the flesh and indwelling sin that a lot of counseling books can totally skip over, and unfortunately missing crucial points of the gospel. I’d point people to Tripp’s “How People Change” first, but with this book as a close second to help them reframe their life story in light of God’s gospel-story and how to continue to live into their life in Christ.
July 25, 2022
Very helpful tools for knowing and owning your story and seeing yourself as God sees you.
Although I absolutely believe in the importance, beauty, and necessity of community, I feel like saying that learning to trust is impossible without community might be taking it a little too far (pg 130). There are times of loneliness that we can’t always control and I would argue that these times can be just as deeply formative as being in a vibrant community. We are not made to do life alone but the Lord does not stop working when we are not surrounded by community.
Although I absolutely believe in the importance, beauty, and necessity of community, I feel like saying that learning to trust is impossible without community might be taking it a little too far (pg 130). There are times of loneliness that we can’t always control and I would argue that these times can be just as deeply formative as being in a vibrant community. We are not made to do life alone but the Lord does not stop working when we are not surrounded by community.
March 12, 2022
A great book for digging into and giving you tools to assess and work through your own story. Thankful for how this book has opened my eyes to how I relate to others and God, and how God’s grace covers all of my story.
August 29, 2024
A great book about how we are created in the image of God to be relational. It's a challenging persective about what it means to be a person of God and a community of God.
I found it challenging, encouraging and confronting every chapter, it's a slow read with reflection. Can recommend this to any leader wrestling with their false self, family of origin or loneliness.
I found it challenging, encouraging and confronting every chapter, it's a slow read with reflection. Can recommend this to any leader wrestling with their false self, family of origin or loneliness.
April 22, 2017
Excellent book. This book talks about how change and rest and healing and learning to relate better are actually possible.
March 16, 2019
Absolutely amazing book.
March 19, 2022
We are made for relationships and to thrive in relationships we need to know ourselves. This is a GREAT introduction for anyone who is interested in “story work” (studying your story). They talk about implicit/explicit memory and attachment theory amongst other things. HIGHLY recommend.
February 13, 2021
“We miss or ignore that God is out to change our capacity to love and be loved. In other words, God is seeking to change the posture of our hearts from mistrust to trust. God is transforming us from a heart curved inward on itself to a heart that is more open to God and others.”
This book looks at biblical spirituality, community, and discipleship to Jesus through the lens of attachment theory, and it is phenomenal! For those already versed in attachment theory, The Relational Soul will provide a stimulating, holistic way to think of that through a biblical lens; for those to whom attachment theory is entirely new, this will prove to be a good and holistic introduction to the topic. Written with incredible intentionality, I found this book to be very convicting and thought-provoking... even to the point of shedding tears as I considered my own default posture of mistrust towards God and others. I will absolutely be recommending this book to others!
This book looks at biblical spirituality, community, and discipleship to Jesus through the lens of attachment theory, and it is phenomenal! For those already versed in attachment theory, The Relational Soul will provide a stimulating, holistic way to think of that through a biblical lens; for those to whom attachment theory is entirely new, this will prove to be a good and holistic introduction to the topic. Written with incredible intentionality, I found this book to be very convicting and thought-provoking... even to the point of shedding tears as I considered my own default posture of mistrust towards God and others. I will absolutely be recommending this book to others!
October 10, 2024
My daughter and I read and studied this book together and though I think there are some great points and lessons that can be learned in this, it is not too well written. In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised considering the title but the authors really dig into the deep emotional feelings in their arguments and site really extreme examples to open each chapter to illustrate their point. The examples are not at all relatable for most people and only succeeded to kill my interest at the beginning of each new chapter. In addition, these authors seemed to really go out of their way with their writing style to make themselves seem intelligent through their writing. That is always an annoyance with me. Speak your points simply and succinctly and they failed to do that. Perhaps some would get more out of this book than I did, it was just not my style.
February 20, 2024
There was some good insight but nothing groundbreaking and it draggggged at the end. Probs why it took me a year to read 😅 Anyways, if you’ve read any Pete Scazzero or John mark comer this isn’t a necessary read.
March 9, 2019
The examples used to start each chapter felt oversimplified or fake
January 7, 2018
"Apart from [God's] continuous, actual relational presence, the world would cease to exist."
I picked up this book as a recommendation from an elder at our church. The authors are coming to our church soon to lead a conference going over the subject of this book, so before attending, I read this to learn more about the importance of relationships in our lives and how to get the most out of them. When I picked it up, I knew the authors want their readers to dig deep into their memories and emotions in order to understand how we relate to others. Although I knew this, I was still caught by surprise a couple of times while reading and going through discussion questions with my husband just how deep you have to dig into yourself to really understand that.
Much of this book makes a lot of logical sense. It wasn't new information for me--I know that God is relational by nature, so we are the same. I know that our past and upbringing has shaped us into who we are today and the way we react to and interpret different things that happen to us. Our relationships, obviously, are affected by that. But there was also a lot of new ideas that I hadn't really thought about before, or perhaps I just hadn't realized explicitly. Ideas, such as how the individualism and autonomy encouraged in today's culture has made communion with others and with God nearly impossible, have softened my heart and given me the desire to trust and be open with others. Putting the ideas that I knew--like that God created us to live in community--and the ideas that I did not know--like the receptive true self--and putting these ideas together to make it more practical for myself in my life.
I hope to learn more at this conference, and I'll possibly come back and update the review as I remember more from the book. It was hard to read quickly because they were such deep questions that made it hard to zip through in an effort to be more intentional and get a lot out of it. But because of that, I don't remember much of the beginning. I would highly recommend this book to everyone. I think we all need to improve on our relationship skills, as well as learning about empathy and connecting and a real level. These are such important skills to learn that I think we have forgotten, so hopefully I can change that in myself now that I've read this book.
I picked up this book as a recommendation from an elder at our church. The authors are coming to our church soon to lead a conference going over the subject of this book, so before attending, I read this to learn more about the importance of relationships in our lives and how to get the most out of them. When I picked it up, I knew the authors want their readers to dig deep into their memories and emotions in order to understand how we relate to others. Although I knew this, I was still caught by surprise a couple of times while reading and going through discussion questions with my husband just how deep you have to dig into yourself to really understand that.
Much of this book makes a lot of logical sense. It wasn't new information for me--I know that God is relational by nature, so we are the same. I know that our past and upbringing has shaped us into who we are today and the way we react to and interpret different things that happen to us. Our relationships, obviously, are affected by that. But there was also a lot of new ideas that I hadn't really thought about before, or perhaps I just hadn't realized explicitly. Ideas, such as how the individualism and autonomy encouraged in today's culture has made communion with others and with God nearly impossible, have softened my heart and given me the desire to trust and be open with others. Putting the ideas that I knew--like that God created us to live in community--and the ideas that I did not know--like the receptive true self--and putting these ideas together to make it more practical for myself in my life.
I hope to learn more at this conference, and I'll possibly come back and update the review as I remember more from the book. It was hard to read quickly because they were such deep questions that made it hard to zip through in an effort to be more intentional and get a lot out of it. But because of that, I don't remember much of the beginning. I would highly recommend this book to everyone. I think we all need to improve on our relationship skills, as well as learning about empathy and connecting and a real level. These are such important skills to learn that I think we have forgotten, so hopefully I can change that in myself now that I've read this book.
June 3, 2018
I gave this book five stars in part for the content and writing, but also partially because it hit me in the right spot at the right time. So many Christian leaders in my circles this year have fallen to sin—some secret and hidden and some socially condoned. This book explores how we get trapped into unrecognized sin that eventually explodes all over everyone and everything we love, as well as how to get out.
The first three chapters explore how our relational patterns get embedded in our implicit memory and can be almost impossible to access. “... it’s really hard to recognize something is false when we have spent our entire life creating it.” These patterns are safeguards against getting hurt, but also armor us against vulnerability and trust, interfering with our relationships with both people are God.
Chapters 4-6 go through a beautiful spiritual and theological review of how God’s provision of a savior enables us to have secure relationships and develop the capacity to trust, but only as we confront our reactive “false self” and accept God’s grace to live truly and freely.
In the interlude, I didn’t know what could be left to say, but the second half of the book explores how traditional spiritual disciplines help us die to our false selves and live to Christ and his church.
I can’t recommend this book highly enough for anyone who recognizes that they could easily be swept up into a cultural current that condones my specific sins, whatever they are.
“In all our years of ministry we have never known a single person whose relationships suffered because of lack of doctrinal facts. ... The blindness that emerges from a lack of knowing what is going on in our souls is truly devastating.” Plass and Cofield provide a way to emerge out of that blindness and live free and humble.
The first three chapters explore how our relational patterns get embedded in our implicit memory and can be almost impossible to access. “... it’s really hard to recognize something is false when we have spent our entire life creating it.” These patterns are safeguards against getting hurt, but also armor us against vulnerability and trust, interfering with our relationships with both people are God.
Chapters 4-6 go through a beautiful spiritual and theological review of how God’s provision of a savior enables us to have secure relationships and develop the capacity to trust, but only as we confront our reactive “false self” and accept God’s grace to live truly and freely.
In the interlude, I didn’t know what could be left to say, but the second half of the book explores how traditional spiritual disciplines help us die to our false selves and live to Christ and his church.
I can’t recommend this book highly enough for anyone who recognizes that they could easily be swept up into a cultural current that condones my specific sins, whatever they are.
“In all our years of ministry we have never known a single person whose relationships suffered because of lack of doctrinal facts. ... The blindness that emerges from a lack of knowing what is going on in our souls is truly devastating.” Plass and Cofield provide a way to emerge out of that blindness and live free and humble.
December 25, 2025
I really didn't like this book. I think there's good to be had in some of the concepts here, but a lot of it boils down to the two authors' ideas about connecting with people presented as This Is What God Wants.
Some of the things I liked:
- Emphasis on connection with people
Some of the things I didn't like:
- EXTREMELY repetitive. If you read it, leave it for a month, then come back you'll have yourself questioning "wait didn't they already say that?" This book could have been half the length and had the exact same content
- Lots of places where they just claim things without giving evidence. Like saying we aren't supposed to become a specific personality, but retain our personality and become our "true self." They give no scriptural reference for this, they don't interact with any arguments to the contrary.
- Straight up claiming things that, unless interpreted EXTREMELY charitably, contradict scripture. As an example: "Character is not embracing moral platitudes or virtuous ways of acting. Jesus isn’t interested in his church putting on virtues as if wearing a garment." but Colossians 3:12 says "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience"
-- Also, that claim just doesn't accord with virtue theory, even if they couch it in that language. Virtue theory does care about your character over your actions, but recognized that our actions help influence our character. Like CS Lewis said, if you want to grow the feelings of love for someone, do the actions of love and the feelings will come later (paraphrasing).
Overall, I don't think this book falls into the totally worthless/counter-productive category of a 1 star, but it's really not good.
Some of the things I liked:
- Emphasis on connection with people
Some of the things I didn't like:
- EXTREMELY repetitive. If you read it, leave it for a month, then come back you'll have yourself questioning "wait didn't they already say that?" This book could have been half the length and had the exact same content
- Lots of places where they just claim things without giving evidence. Like saying we aren't supposed to become a specific personality, but retain our personality and become our "true self." They give no scriptural reference for this, they don't interact with any arguments to the contrary.
- Straight up claiming things that, unless interpreted EXTREMELY charitably, contradict scripture. As an example: "Character is not embracing moral platitudes or virtuous ways of acting. Jesus isn’t interested in his church putting on virtues as if wearing a garment." but Colossians 3:12 says "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience"
-- Also, that claim just doesn't accord with virtue theory, even if they couch it in that language. Virtue theory does care about your character over your actions, but recognized that our actions help influence our character. Like CS Lewis said, if you want to grow the feelings of love for someone, do the actions of love and the feelings will come later (paraphrasing).
Overall, I don't think this book falls into the totally worthless/counter-productive category of a 1 star, but it's really not good.
April 9, 2019
This is an amazing book that my church Reality SF recommended. Like a good student, I committed to reading it and signing up for their book club. It being available for free in my public library's Hoopla app helped tremendously to motivate me to start. I'm so glad I read it. Each chapter's mini story hooks me to learn more about the chapter. I like how well the story telling is in a non-fiction work. The book is divided in half, with the first half explaining why our family backgrounds and environments influenced us, as well as how our false self came about. The second half is focus on finding our true self with practical solutions like learning about your enneagram, making a life map, self understanding, community, core spiritual disciplines, and believing in transformation. I'm very encouraged to put these recommendations into practice and believe in God's power for transformation with time, patience, and accountability. God transformed me a lot in 10 years since becoming a Christian in 2008 and getting baptized in 2009. There are strongholds and sins that are persisting though, which this book and me practicing the spiritual disciplines will help transform through time! It's recommended to read with 1-2 friends to discuss the questions at the end of every chapter and receive encouragement.
December 7, 2018
If you want a book that applies attachment theory to Christian spirituality, then this is the book for you. Some might be turned off by a lot of psychology-language, something which is not always all that popular among evangelicals, but the gospel insights are legitimately helpful and, in my opinion, not over-psychologized.
Additionally, most Christian Living books (or most non-fiction books in general) pack their best stuff in the beginning and then either pad the back with less profound or helpful stuff, or they just keep applying the same great idea from ch. 2 in new contexts. Either way results in a book that decreases in impact the more you read. But this book was a pleasant surprise, for it continued to provide additional insight into the life of the soul all the way up until the end. At less than 200 pages, there's no padding, and there's very little redundancy.
There's also not a whole lot of firework moments, but a ton of steady, consistent, helpful insights. Really good. I expect it to be a book I re-read many times over the years.
Additionally, most Christian Living books (or most non-fiction books in general) pack their best stuff in the beginning and then either pad the back with less profound or helpful stuff, or they just keep applying the same great idea from ch. 2 in new contexts. Either way results in a book that decreases in impact the more you read. But this book was a pleasant surprise, for it continued to provide additional insight into the life of the soul all the way up until the end. At less than 200 pages, there's no padding, and there's very little redundancy.
There's also not a whole lot of firework moments, but a ton of steady, consistent, helpful insights. Really good. I expect it to be a book I re-read many times over the years.
May 14, 2020
Man, this was a good book. And I say that as a person who generally doesn’t care for this genre of book The writing was engaging, as the authors tied each lesson to a memorable story. This book was really helpful in revealing how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to God. Two big takeaways that were worth reading the book were 1. The discipline of solitude. So much of our life is flitting from one thing to another, never reflecting, never giving ourselves time to think. To build a regular practice of solitude would benefit any Christian, but especially an American Christian. 2. The power of your story. The authors talk about how sharing your story with someone you trust can help you understand yourself better. It’s amazing how close I feel to those with whom I’ve done that with. The authors point out three parts of the story. 1. What happened, 2. What did you feel, and 3. Interpreting our story in light of the grace of God. The first two don’t really change, but it is beautiful in step 3 to see how God takes broken things and transforms them.
May 30, 2017
Helpful book in understanding the problem in human relationships. God, being relational him, created humans as relational beings, in whom our fullness is found in our relationship with God. However, due to sin, the consequence can be seen in how we interact with each other today. The good news is that God is able and has set out to restore these broken relationship with others and with Him. The book digs deeper into different relational issues through the use of excellent, real-life illustrations. Questions at the end of each chapter help greatly with self-reflection. The book is filled with biblical truths, yet it lacks in providing Biblical evidence that shows the truths that are stated. Highly recommended to all - it will help in not only understanding ourselves better but understanding God.
February 28, 2022
I've read a lot of these types of books, but Plass & Cofield articulate deep realties about living to your true self in language that is helpful and feels accurate. The subject matter isn't over-complicated and the tone, though evangelical, isn't too earnest. You can feel the decades of pastoral care behind the words which conveys honesty, but also humility. There aren't clear answers - but there are clear stakes. I appreciated that there isn't a promise of shallow hope that accompanies much of this type of work in the Christian self-help genre. Indeed if you apply what they recommend - it would mean embarking on a truly unique and terrifying journey of soul searching that requires a vulnerability to a trusting community and God to see yourself truly reflected. The hope is not comfort but of transformation.
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