I cannot be good until you say it

by Sanah Ahsan

The much-anticipated debut collection by the winner of the Outspoken Performance Poetry a tender meditation on queerness and Islam

'Dissolving whatever boundaries would wall us off from love, Ahsan finds a way to let it all be holy' Victoria Adukwei-Bulley

'When I speak of the word "sacred", Sanah Ahsan's I cannot be good until you say it will forever instantly spring to mind ... A masterpiece - an honour to have read this book, I am forever changed after reading its beauty' Nikita Gill

'Innovative and deeply compassionate ... multilingual verse suffused with a vital musicality and a palpable tenderness, Ahsan calls poetry into prayer and evokes a faith safe enough to be mothered by' Mary Jean Chan

'Dexterous, varied, erotic, filled with rage, worships and wonder ... I am electrified' Pádraig Ó Tuama

'Tensions of psychological drama, together with an induced sense of yearning.. what an artful and inspired set of poems' Anthony Anaxagorou

'Liberation is at the nucleus of every page of Sanah Ahsan's rousing debut ... Ahsan is doing liberation work, offering readers a prayer, a song, a hand to hold amidst the amidst' Kaveh Akbar

'A remarkable and transformative collection' Keith Jarrett

'A daring debut collection, which guides us through the complexities of just being' Yomi Sode

'Alive with a want and restlessness that remakes the "You" of desire - and faith - again and again' Will Harris

'A heart punching debut collection' Raymond Antrobus
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Intricately weaving Quranic verse, psychology, and the hip-hop soundtrack of their childhood, Sanah's poems reach for divinity in the body; an archive that refuses erasure.

These poems traverse unruly emotional and physical landscapes, Whiteness, islamophobia, homophobia, intergenerational suffering, and the politics of therapeutic processes. In these pages, belief and unbelief, goodness and badness, the material and spiritual are intertwined, reclaiming queer love and desire as holy.

How are we incarcerated by others' gazes? Who gets to be good in a society built upon hierarchy? How might we embrace each other's madnesses? Sanah Ahsan asks questions that travel to the heart of our humanness, bending the lines between psychologist and client to show us the sacred nature of our wounds. These poems kneel to the messiness of being alive, building altars to complication and presence.

Refusing binaries of gender or religious doctrine, I cannot be good until you say it finds what is to be revered in the grey spaces of morality, advancing imagination and self-compassion as sites of communion.

This debut collection is a call to prayer, fearlessly complicating what is good, and what is god.

Genres: Poetry, LGBT, Contemporary, Adult, Queer

104 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 14, 2024

Reviews

[harley · Rating 5 out of 5]

“[My mother] believes I can be different. Her belief in me a rare untouched thing.”

Our appraisal of our own goodness is shaped by an endless string of contradictions: the shame we feel for desires that occur naturally within us; the fear that surfaces when we allow ourselves to be truly loved for the first time; the scripture our parents raised us on, and the way it shapes their ability to understand us; the isolation that comes from living in a body that doesn’t feel like our own, and the otherness that follows when we explore the idea of righting perceived wrongs; so on, and so forth.

This collection is a moving exploration of the ineradicable human need to be good—whatever that may mean—and the power of reclaiming your existence in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to you. (It also transformed the way I view poetry, and I’m looking forward to the author’s upcoming non-fiction book on the politics of distress.)

[Kayleigh Doucy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am. Obsessed. Instant Favourite.

This debut redeemed poetry for me. Such beautiful writing, I love the way they handle delicate topics with the relationships with their parents, queerness, homophobia, islamophobia, 'conflicting' identities and love. I found myself returning to rereading my favourites even after finishing the collection, and I know this will be a solid rotation in my reading!

Officially a lifelong Sanah Ahsan fan.

Thank you to NetGalley for the advance copy in exchange for an honest review!

[Luke Worthy · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I believe in everything / I haven’t been told.” 🩷🙏🏻

[Salomée Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a generous poetry collection, every piece was a gem.

[Yasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

once i made peace w the fact i kinda don’t understand what most of the lines mean i enjoyed it a lot more. idk i feel like i rlly understood the vibe and it resonated w me a lot and felt super beautiful and powerful

[tima · Rating 3 out of 5]

‘I speak my softest voice, / pick the skin around my fingernail / till it bleeds.’

Really hard read, but beautiful.

[Siobhan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot be good until you say it is a the debut collection of poetry by Sanah Ahsan, exploring queerness, Islam, racism, and what is good and what goodness might mean. The poems span a range of topics, using a range of language and registers and ways of formatting on the page, and I like the way the poems avoid rigid boundaries of what can go together, feeling part of poetic traditions (and the book is littered with quotations) but also fresh. This is a highly personal collection that explores the self, family, love, sex, religion, and particularly how queerness weaves throughout these, and it really comes together as a full book even as it explores fragmentation of self.

[Althea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I cannot be good until you say it is a gorgeous poetry collection that touches on themes of Islam, queerness, grief, family, expectations, racism, love and more. As a relatively new poetry reader, a lot of this went over my head, but the beauty of the poems certainly did not. I look forward to Sanah Ahsan releasing more work in the future!

Thanks to Bloomsbury and Netgalley for an e-ARC of this book. All opinions are my own!

[Rosie Morland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal collection - a new favourite poet. This explored queerness, faith, Islam and the divinity of gender expansiveness with so much power. I enjoyed learning new Urdu words and unravelling the depth they gave each poem.

[Michelle Best · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fantastic debut collection of poems.

I have only started reading poetry recently so probably missed some of the deeper meanings but still found most of these poems moving in some way.

The collection covers many themes, including queerness, racism, psychology, family, goodness and Islam.
Even though I have little understanding of Islam the poetry did a great job of questioning what it is to be a good Muslim in today’s society. I found this especially thought provoking. I even went on to listen to some of the passages from the Quran the author mentions.

For me this was a great collection to start my poetry journey with. The range of language, forms and formatting and the modern and spiritual themes gave me something I could relate to whilst giving me plenty to think about.

The variety here meant that I enjoyed most of these poems on first read but there is also enough depth for me to want to come back and read again. I’m sure that when I have explored more poetry I will find even more in this collection to enjoy.

Thanks to Netgalley and Bloomsbury Publishing for the free copy of this book in return for an honest review.

[zhreads · Rating 5 out of 5]

such an amazing collection of poems, highlighting themes of religion, spirituality, queerness and pakistani culture. i love reading books by muslim authors and seeing what religion means to them — i think it helps open my mind further because sometimes it can mean something completely different to them compared to what it means to me.

i felt quite touched by so many of the words in these poems; the mash up of the pakistani and british culture, intertwined with Islam, was so relatable + really made me scream "omg i get how this feels!" so many times, and i loved that i got so many of the cultural and language references.

i really enjoyed this collection, and a few parts even made me feel a little teary. an absolute must read for people who enjoy poetry.

[Heidi ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poems to sit with. I think they work best read a few times over. Had me staring off into space a lot.

[Juliano · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I'm giving up on trying to be god. / Trust is earned and incremental / but I've stopped counting.” I adored every minute of reading I cannot be good until you say it, Sanah Ahsan’s poetry collection exploring queerness and divinity and where those qualities intersect in the body. There are many stand-out poems (‘stuck’, ‘to be held’, ‘The Made-Up Song of Us’, to name just three), and so many instances of perfectly crafted, instantly timeless lines. There is a process of both disentangling and blurring, as the blurb has it, “what is good, and what is god”: “am i less terrible / than i could be / or more monster / than the mind can muster / my shame is the sinew of that show-off sun / shining itself sick / awaiting the Almighty's ruling / i crane a neck to greet the angels / declaring i am good i am good i am”; “She believes / I can be / different. / Her belief / in me / a rare / untouched thing.”; “this faith is not an inheritance / god is a verb and queerness is glorified”. There is an excavation of shame at the queer-religious axis, where “performance / is bottomless / a shovelled heart”, and “i am learning / that desire is not dirty / i need not pray myself clean / shame need not shove me to my knees”. And above all Ahsan shapes these dazzling, imprinting images: “Rage is our traditional dress. / A splattered sound made hymnal.”; “this night is / a starry mouthguard […] my other heart / is turning // in a stranger’s / throat”; “i’m learning to stop / avoiding mirrors all their terrifying light”.

[Olivia-Savannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A poetry collection by Sanah Ahsan, a nonbinary Muslim queer poet. A lot of these poems have hip hop rhythm, Qur'anic verse and themes of identity and queerness in them.

In the beginning it took me a bit of time to get accustomed to their writing style and the poems themselves. But once I did, I was immersed. I really liked these poems and how they were drowning in emotion -- be it grief (in multiple ways), or rebirth, familial connections or self realisation.

It does a very good job of depicting that duality... the duality of what you've been told and grown up with, and who you become and are. And how to live in spaces which may seem to conflict at first glance, but maybe don't have to.

The poems themselves felt like they made the rhythm and cadence they needed to. While reading this I wasn't breaking down the literary devices or analysing as much as I usually do, but more so feeling my way through them. Not to say they aren't poetic, but this different approach really worked for my reading experience.

[Kira K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. This book interweaves so many different themes in such a short collection of poems., tackling topics I relate to such as femininity, psychology and queerness with others that I need to learn more about such as being Pakistani, and being Muslim. I was also amazed at how well Ahsan managed to weave the Quran in the text making it rhyme and also fit in with each poem a quote is used in. Ahsan really makes us feel things with each of her poems, especially those on world known attacks like 9/11 and the Pulse nightclub.

[Hannah Thuraisingam Robbins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I loved this poetry collection. I've been picking up many of the works published in this series and Sanah Ahsan's is my favourite to date. The poems span queer intimacy, family, grief, spirituality, racism, and many other topics. Ahsan's style of expression is so rhythmic but also delicate. I found several poems profoundly moving and I've gone back to read more than one several times since I recieved the e-ARC from Netgalley. Certain this will be one of my poetry collections of the year (even though we are only a few days in.)

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed. Also found it invaluable to read from the point of view of a queer muslim person, feel like there isnt much representation in media / literature in general.

Fave poems / some lines:

Fifteen shifts my mother worked

“Does desire for the light skinned woman reflect contempt for the mirror”

To be held - “the whiter we get the closer we are to being good enough to mourn”

How do you have pleasure

My Dua is love - “i am learning that desire is not dirty i need not pray myself clean”

“Renounce heels that never learnt my walk”

[Booklover87 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just INCREDIBLE. So much depth - I got more meaning each time I re-read. One of my favourite ever collections.

too many fav lines to share but..

- God / forgive me for keeping you glorious / spit-shining a shoreless dark

- white makes a muslim of threat / dogma makes a threat of queer

- on this doorless day / underachievements itch like capitalism

- i believe in everything / i haven't been told

[Rose Dawson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t read a lot of poetry outside of classic poetry of writers like Emily Dickinson or Shelly but so I’m glad I read this debut poetry collection. Sanah Ahsan highlights themes of religion, spirituality, queerness, and Pakistani culture.

Ahsan writes powerfully and eloquently about all parts of their identity, I have no doubt many people will feel at home within their words.

[Becky Swales-Blanchard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly evocative and rich, and though I'm not a fan of poetry, I won't hold it against this book! I felt a real connection to the title which is why I requested it and Ahsan's poetry is so powerful.

'My Dua is Love' was my personal favourite, I re-read it at least 6 times.

Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC!

[Jasmine Brendon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is still one I am revisiting over and over. The poems have so much depth! They examine systems of oppression like Whiteness, and the ways these show up in the most intimate spheres of our lives. Such raw, honest and radical poetry! The author is giving up goodness, which is so close to god and holiness. This book is sacred!!!

[Kamil Mahmood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sanah Ahsan is a once in a generation writer.
Allah says after calamity comes ease.
This collection projects an ease of sort after the calamity of sort of being born Queer and Muslim, a path of precarious wondering. A calamity of sort yet a vantage point. These words articulate the din of it all marvellously well.

[Anushka · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was so taken into the poems and inspired by them. Poetry genuinely took a new meaning for me with each and every turn of page. Such brutally eloquent writing and so soul bearing that it makes the hair on your arms stand. The way queerness was expressed with such eroticism and gentleness, with such magical domesticity. SO so SO GOOD!!!

[Susanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for this e-ARC.

These poems were okay. They cover queerness and religion and race, but they don't really have much to say about any of those topics. They're just angsty, and that's no longer what I look for in poetry. There is potential here, but it wasn't executed well enough for me.

[✰matthew✰ · Rating 4 out of 5]

i appreciated this collection. i didn’t always understand the poems but that is often the case for me anyway.

but i found the different blend of topics, layouts and language made this collection work really effectively.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond the bold themes Sanah traverses- race, religion, homophobia, trauma passed down generations- their mastery of words and the cadence of their poems tells a story all of their own. Beautiful!

[Jungian.Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

full review later
It was a powerful collection.

[Simon]

Contemporary poetry is just not for me

[Renee Eshel · Rating 4 out of 5]

really really gorg bits in here !!

[Omar · Rating 3 out of 5]

🎵why didn’t you do it for me?

when all that you did was FOR ME??

why?🎵