Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will

by Shefali Tsabary

Every parent wants the golden key to raising well-behaved, academically gifted, successful, happy children. Embedded in the collective psyche is the notion that discipline is the cornerstone to achieving these goals. Out of Control offers a never-before-published perspective on why the entire premise of discipline is flawed. Dr. Shefali Tsabary reveals how discipline is a major cause of generations of dysfunction. The author goes to the heart of the problems parents have with children, challenging society’s dependence on discipline, daring readers to let go of fear-based ideologies and replace them with an approach that draws parent and child together. The key is ongoing meaningful connection between parent and child, free from threats, deprivation, punishment, and timeouts — all forms of manipulation. Parents learn how to enter into deep communion with their children, understanding the reasons for a behavior and how to bring out the best in the child. Far from a laissez-faire, anything goes, approach, this is how a child learns responsibility and takes ownership of their life, equipped with character and resilience that flow naturally from within.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Childrens, Education, Spirituality

Paperback

First published December 24, 2013

About the author

Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., was exposed to Eastern philosophy at an early age and integrates its teachings with Western psychology, having received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University in New York. This blend of East and West allow her to reach a global audience and establishes her as one of a kind in the field of mindfulness psychology for families.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary lectures extensively on conscious parenting around the world and is in private practice. She is author of the award winning parenting book, The Conscious Parent as the newly released Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Won't Work and What Will, as well as It's a Mom: What You Should Know About the Early Years of Motherhood, which debuted on the Indian National bestseller list for four weeks. Dr. Tsabary lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another book from my daughter who has a 2 year old son. She is right on, this is an excellent book for parents with children. I submit it is worth it for teachers and anyone who deals with youth.

The major premise of this book and for Ms. Tsabary's other book "Out of Control" is that 'discipline' as most of us know it is not the way to actually help our children grow and succeed in the world. Discipline means to teach, not to threat, hit, scold, berate, pick on, howler at, belittle, etc our children. That is the sure way to eventually stifle their ability to grow and become the best person that they can be. She believes that we need to be 'in the moment' with our kids. In other words, try and see the world through their eyes and relax. It isn't about us, it is about them. Many times we get upset with our kids because they don't do it 'our way', or listen to exactly what we want them to do. By not pushing our agenda onto our kids, we can learn and grow with them. Then when they are teenagers and start facing more grown up issues, they won't shut down against us, but instead will see us a a resource that they can use to navigate growing up. Of course there a limits, - safety, well-being, politeness, etc. However, the list is small, not as big as most of us adults make it.

This is a simple synopsis of the book, but it makes the point, I believe, that the author is trying to convey. So many children today are bereft of love and attention for which they are longing. The book is worth reading if it can make an authority figure stop, even once, to reevaluate their position with any child. Again, it isn't about the adult, which most of us make it to be, it is about the child and what is best for her/him.

I recommend this to all.

[CJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is perhaps the most useful parenting book I have read. The title doesn't do it justice. I would have called it something far more positive - like the content within the pages.
The author teaches methods for connecting with your children by analyzing the feelings behind the behavior. And encourages parents to really consider what baggage and expectations that they are bringing to the conflict. Good for parents of all age children. I am grateful to have found it early in my boys' development.

[Shannon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well, she certainly waxed eloquent about "why disciplining your child doesn't work" but never got to the "and what will." I loved and agreed with the idea of trying to get behind the child's behavior and figure out the motivation — but the truth is, sometimes the motivation just doesn't matter, if the behavior is unacceptable, and there has to be a good way to handle THAT. Just trying really hard to be an understanding, empathetic parent does not, in fact, prevent meltdowns or irrational behavior that, while it can be understood, also has to be curbed and redirected. I also agree with the idea of trying to connect consequences with specific behaviors instead of randomly taking stuff away when you're pissed (easier said than done) but she doesn't offer good examples.

I was hoping for so much more, but instead the chapter on bullying laid all wars and "religious infighting" at the feet of "separation between ourselves and others." Um. Okay. Also, homework is totally a waste of time and of COURSE kids resent it, as well they should. And grades don't matter anyway. So long as you express your feelings.

She's also pretty much against imposing any of rules unless they are "life sustaining" — for example, brushing teeth, eating healthy foods … "clearing the plates from the table." But as for bringing children to church/temple/mosque? It's totally subjective as to whether these are "life sustaining" so children — children — should really be able to "opt out."

Ah well — nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[Kandice · Rating 1 out of 5]

1.5 stars

This book came highly recommended by some mamas in an online forum who claimed this book changed their lives and the way they parent.

I agree with other reviewers who noted a condescending tone and the absence of "what will" work as the title promises. Sure, I did find some information helpful, but I had to pluck carefully among cliché and extreme examples.

This is probably the first parenting book that I've come across that doesn't reference a single study. Most child-rearing books have a reference section that cites dozens, if not hundreds, of peer-reviewed journal articles.

Is the wisdom and information in Dr. Tsabary's book evidence-based? I'm not sure.

I would have expected more from a clinical psychologist.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually wanted to skip this book club selection, as I haven't really loved most of the parenting books I've read in the past. Glad I didn't. Oddly/randomly enough, this book described an approach to parenting which is very similar to mine/my husband's. Thus, I'm not sure I learned so much, but it was wonderfully reaffirming to see in print what we strive for each day in our home. I loved the critic vs. ally concept; I hear too many people telling newer parents that they "shouldn't be friends with their kids" but I find the role of ally (vs. friend) quite desirable!!

[Canan · Rating 4 out of 5]

"My Child
My child isn’t my easel to paint on
Nor my diamond to polish
My child isn’t my trophy to share with the world
Nor my badge of honor
My child isn’t an idea, an expectation, or a fantasy Nor my reflection or legacy
My child isn’t my puppet or a project
Nor my striving or desire

My child is here to fumble, stumble, try, and cry Learn and mess up
Fail and try again
Listen to the beat of a drum faint to our adult ears And dance to a song that revels in freedom

My task is to step aside
Stay in infinite possibility
Heal my own wounds
Fill my own bucket
And let my child fly
—Shefali Tsabary, PhD"

[Betul Pehlivanli · Rating 3 out of 5]

Anne değilim ama çocuklarla sürekli muhatap olan biri olarak,bana farklı bakış açısı kazandırdığı için bu tarz kitapları okumayı seviyorum.Kitabın orijinal ismiyle görsem,belki çok da ilgimi çekmeyecekti.Başlangıçta ismiyle ilgimi çeken kitabı,kapağındaki “kontrol,ceza ve ödül kullanmadan çocuğunuzla nasıl iletişim kurarsınız” yazısıyla da kitabı almaya karar verdim.Çeviri hatası mı yoksa kitabın orijinali de böyle mi bilmiyorum ama aralarda tekrar edilmiş çokça cümle vardı.Üstüne bir de tekrar eden cümleler,aralarda büyük punto ile de üçüncü kez konulmuştu.İçeriği nasıldı sorusunun cevabı ise;bu tarz kitapların en büyük eksiği olan uygulanabilirliği konusunda beni tam anlamıyla tatmin etmedi.Anne-baba da nihayetinde insan ve hayatlarının her anında rol model olmak hususunda yeterli olamayabilirler.Bu durumda ev içerisinde oluşturmamız tavsiye edilen “ev kültürü” ( kurallar ve kontrol gibi kavramların yerine bu tavsiye ediliyor ) biraz zor gibi geldi ama elbette imkansız değil.Yazar kendi ebeveynliğinden ve terapilerde karşısına çıkan hastalardan örnekler vererek de yaklaşmış bazı durumlara.Bu kısımları,günlük hayatımızda uygulama açısından bizlere fikir verebilir.Sonuç olarak,kitabı bu tarz kitaplar arasında okunurken sıkmayanlar arasına dahil edebilir ve sizlere de tavsiye edebilirim.Çocuk yetiştirmenin çokça zorlu olduğu ve bilgi kirliliğinin işleri daha da zorlaştırdığı şu devirde herkese kolaylıklar diliyorum.

[Denizzz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ebeveynlikle ilgili pek çok kitap okudum,bu kitabın en anlaşılır ve faydalılardan biri olduğunu söyleyebilirim.Sadece çocuklarımın değil,eşimin ve iletişimde olduğum diğer insanların da sahibi gibi davrandığım anları farkettim.
"Sadece sözlerle sınır koyulmadığının,asıl sınırların enerji düzeyinde oluştuğunu farketmek önemlidir.Kendimizi taşımak önemlidir.Kendimizi taşıma biçimimiz,kendimize davranma şeklimiz,oluşturduğumuz çevremiz ve izin verdiklerimiz,çocuğumuzun bize 'saygı' duymasında sözlerimizden daha etkilidir."
"Kusurlu bir dünyada,kusurlu insanlar olma gerçeğimizle bağımızı koparmadığımızda ve kaçınılmaz olarak bu durumun yarattığı kaygıları tolere etmeyi öğrendiğimizde,bizim gibi insan olma deneyimiyle mücadele eden insanlara da daha açık oluruz."

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I agree with the other reviewer who said that this book would be better served by a more positive-sounding title. I really appreciate the author's emphasis on connection (rather than control) in parent-child relationships. I don't read many parenting books anymore, but this one was thought-provoking, affirming and well worth my time.

[sladana blagojevic · Rating 2 out of 5]

I loved her first two books, they changed my perspective as a parent but as I’ve grown as a woman and a mom I find these kind of books a little bit underwhelming.
Maybe if I read this 10 years ago it would leave bigger impact but, like I’ve said, I’ve grown and did the work of inner healing and repentance and all that jazz that makes growing up so much more important.
Nevertheless, there were few gems, but her first two books, which I wholeheartedly recommend all the time, are better time spent ✌🏻

[Aiste · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another wonderful book by Dr. Shefali—simple, wise, and beautifully accessible. It opens a fresh paradigm of parenting: less control, more connection; less discipline, more guidance; less fear, more growth. I fully resonate with her work. After reading The Parenting Map and others, this one feels lighter and a great place to start before diving deeper into her later books. Highly recommended.

[Pao Noriega · Rating 3 out of 5]

Muy bueno y con recursos bastante útiles, lo único malo es que un poco después de la mitad, hay contenido repetitivo, pero igual es muy ligero y comprensible para padres que les gustaría informarse un poco más sobre estos temas✨

[Мирослава · Rating 5 out of 5]

Много ценна книга, която дава важни отговори защо дисциплинирането е вредно и с какво да го заменим, както и още много полезни насоки за родителството.

[Yoanna Mladenova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Може би най-добрата книга на тема “родителство”, на която съм попадала някога.

[Sirin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ebeveynliğin kendimizi tanıma, yaralarımızı sarma, çocuklarımıza yolculuklarında faydalı olabilme yollarını anlatan harika bir kitap. 👌

[Jasmina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Da mogu, dala bih joj 10 zvezdica.

[mercan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bu yazarin diger 2 kitabini da okudum ve her seferinde aydinlaniyorum. Örnekleri etkili ve sadece sorundan bahsetmiyor. Çözüm önerileri de sunuyor ve isteyen icin faydalanmak cok kolay.

[Eliza Sajjan · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best guide for having control over the situation when you are out of control. It's well designed for all sort of group ages that parents need guidance how can they raise empowered children. Often it happens that our alter ego or unmet desires comes before our children's needs. Not just a book. A day to day guide that needs to be open frequently and remind us where and how to work on ourselves.

[Amber Ashton · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'll be honest...I didn't finish reading this book. I got really tired of blaming everything about challenges in parenting on your own hidden feelings from how you were raised by your parents. I personally think my parents did an awesome job and I don't feel resentment or any neglect or stifling from them at all. I also had a hard time with this book because I couldn't see how to apply the principles to myself and my situation and I especially had a hard time seeing the "what will" work that was blatantly stated in the title of the book. I don't feel like I have any more clue as to what will work after hashing and rehashing my childhood upbringing. I tried for a long time to at least take something from what she was saying and try to figure out how I could use it in my life. I finally gave up, returned the book to the library and decided I'll move on to finding something else to give me ideas about how to work with my kids.

[Tory · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a general rule of thumb, I try to avoid parenting books. every now and then, I forget this and pick one up. The author made a few good points, but nothing was a huge revelation. Her tone seemed condescending and I just couldn't relate to her.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has completely changed my life. Anyone who wants to be a thoughtful parent and truly enjoy being a mom needs to read this book. Learning to accept others "as is" may be difficult but once applied gives you a whole new perspective on life. I am so thankful to have found this book.

[Kara Fitzjarrald · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really learned a lot form this book...in the first half. After that, I became sour. I think there is a happy median in parenting that isn't acknowledged here. But I definitely took some great things away.

[Eliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read so many parenting books by now that I can't even count them. Most of them teach parenting techniques that work for some children but not others. So, whenever I see parenting books, I just have an averse reaction because I can't find a clear solution. When I saw this book, I was resistant to reading it because I didn't want to waste my time, yet again, learning more techniques that might actually not work for parenting my children.

I'm so glad I pushed through the resistance and read it. This book gets to the core of what EVERY child and EVERY parent needs. Connection rather than a set of disciplinary actions. Getting to understand, not only the child, but the parent to a deeper level. It changes the dynamic in the relationship composed of two people where one is an authoritarian figure and the other must obey but tends to resist because of feeling unheard, to a team made of mutual understanding, friendship, cooperation, safety, and love. It forms deep friendships with our children. It opens the door to our children to feel safe to share their deepest experiences with us as their parents that, in normal circumstances, they would keep to themselves. With that said, we still don't lose our parental authority and role, but we do it in a way that works harmoniously and respectfully. It shifts the focus to the underlying issue our children might be experiencing and prevents us from reacting to the superficial actions from our children.

I feel parenting is not successful until we work on our own issues and unresolved traumas. As Dr. Shefali said at the beginning, we are children raising children and then we wonder why when we try to implement teachings we learn from many parenting books we are shocked to find out they don't work in our lives. For instance, they focus on what to do if a child raises their voices at us instead of trying to understand what might be happening in our child's life to have the audacity to raise their voices at us. This book stops that reaction and shifts our focus into taking action by getting to understand our child. Our children are still learning how to cope with life and struggles. These moments and how we respond will shape or brake our child's character.

Connection is the key for good parenting. However, many people are scared to approach parenting in a different way than what we've been shown by our own parents or other people. The parenting way Dr. Shefali talks about in this book leads us to our humanity. It helps us better prepare our children for life when they are on their own, and they can be able to trust themselves instead of relying on the opinions of others. This is something that most of us are not good at ourselves and we wish we could have had it from a very young age.

In my opinion, this is the parenting book everyone needs, especially when raising teenagers. Those years are so difficult. There's a lot of resistance and we tend to put more restrictions the more resistance there is. This creates a very well known tension. I like to compare it with Chinese handcuffs. The more we resist and pull in opposing directions, the tighter it gets, but if we choose to stop resisting and connecting and becoming closer together, the tension is removed.

This book came to me at the perfect time as I'm raising a teenager and he's experiencing some things in life that are very valid and depending on what response I choose to have to his challenges, it can have two powerful effects, one detrimental and one of growth. I'm glad I found this book because it will help me have a response that will help him and me grow at the moment, and give him tools that he'll use for the rest of his life.

[Jason Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

We all know that physical discipline and yelling have long term negative effects on kids, but even the modern go-tos such as consequences, threats to remove objects, timeouts and rewards lead to negative patterns. The first chapter is a must read as you'll clearly see examples of patterns you use yourself that aren't really working for you. Discipline is teaching your child to self-regulate, not controlling your child.

She does a good job at showing how ridiculous and arbitrary the entire "if you don't do this then you'll lose this" cycle.

"Parents actually ponder the question, "What can I take away from my child that my child particularly enjoys so they'll get the message?" It doesn't occur to them to ask whether the thing being taken away is in any way related to the behaviour. The parent believes that depriving their child of this particularly treasured item or privilege will jolt the child into paying attention."

I think that strikes home for a lot of parents as we recognize that item being taken away was the one we happened to be looking at right at that moment when we felt we were losing control of the situation.

The recommendation she has is to allow natural consequences to happen, at that a lot of our attempts to control our kids behaviour is because we are trying to prevent them from having some bad experience (eg: don't bring your favourite toy to school because you might lose it). This is counterproductive because we should be letting our kids have these ministressor moments all the time, because that is how they learn resilience and learn how to self-regulate.

We try to protect them from the lessons life will give them and instead lead them down this path where we are always manipulating them and damaging our relationship with them so that we stay in control. And I think that is what the title really means, it's not that our kids are "out of control" it's that as parents we will be happier and have better relationships if we can find a way out of the control we try to exert on our kids' lives and let them be kids.

Another good point is that we need to divorce ourselves from our expectations of what will give our kids a good life and what are the real life sustaining requirements and values we want to instill in them. It doesn't really matter what school they go to, what grades they get, or what instrument they play. What matters is that we give them a safe space in which to discover their authentic selves instead of overloading them with our desires. Eating properly, hygiene, exercise, sleep are all things we need to instill and defend in our kids, but there's a lot of other stuff we get caught up with that really isn't all that important.

A lot of the problems are really solved by parents figuring out their own unresolved issues from their own childhood (as you would expect from a psychologist) and there's waaay too many anecdotal stories from her patients for my taste.

There were some sections to the book I really enjoyed, but it could have been more concise. I recommend Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting as a book with a similar subject matter that is easier to digest and more actionable.

[Zvonimir · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ponovio sam grešku stvaranja velikih očekivanja od knjiga na temelju nekoliko pročitanih mišljenja i recenzija, možda je to pojačalo moje razočaranje ovom knjigom: tekst je lagan, čitljiv, ali iz njega ne saznajem nešto novo, ne dobivam savjet, ne učim novu vještinu - ispada kao da je umjesto 200 stranica sve to moglo stati u nekih 20. Autorica propušta priliku da detaljnije opiše svoja terapeutska iskustva i poentira primjerom, već samo jako općenito i šturo opisuje nekoliko slučajeva koji joj idu u prilog naslovima poglavlja u kojima želi nešto reći, ali to na kraju ne uspijeva. Možda sam pročitao (previše) knjiga o odgoju pa imam visoka očekivanja, ali ova mi nikako nije sjela. No da ne ispadne sve crno, ono nad čime se čitatelj može zamisliti jest teza da sav pristup djeci i općenito odgoju, odnosno sve ono što vidimo kao problematično je zapravo posljedica naših trauma iz djetinjstva, neispunjenih želja/potreba i pogrešaka naših roditelja, zatim da je bolje prepustiti djeci da uče iz posljedica svojih djela nego iz našeg neprestanog opominjanja i usmjeravanja, te da se trebamo više opustiti i manje očekivati od djece te ih poticati da se razviju u ono što zaista jesu.

[Ana Stanciu-Dumitrache · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pentru mine cartile doctorei Shefali sunt de subliniat si notat si revenit la ele, sunt printre favorite. Viziunea ei mi se pare atat de echilibrata si realista si e un model pentru mine.

"What lies before me is my teacher. What lies before me has been attracted by me to expand me in some way and I will benefit from discover how this can happen. What lies before me is a reflection of my inner state, and how I react to it is a mirror of how I feel about myself. What lies before me is perfect in its imperfection- as, also, am I."

"My child is not my easel to paint on
Nor my diamond to polish
My child isn't my trophy to share with the world
Nor my badge of honor
My child isn't an idea, an expectation, or a fantasy
Nor my reflection or legacy
My child isn't my puppet or a project nor my striving or desire
My child is here to fumble, stumble, try and cry and learn and mess up
Fail and try again
Listen to the beat of a drum faint to our adult ears
And dance to a song that revels in freedom.
My task is to step aside, heal my own wounds, fill my own bucket, and let my child fly."

[AnaMaria Rivera · Rating 4 out of 5]

Our need to "discipline" our children comes from the furthest place from which we are connected to them: our ego, our need to control them, our need to label into right/wrong what in reality is only the disconnection that we have from our own Self. In this space, what was One becomes Separated, and the spiritual partnership that truly brought us here, ceases to exist.

Dr. Tsabary's style is not my favorite and her writing is not enriched by research or scholarity, however, she illustrates spiritual principles into what would a transformed parent behavior be, and she is one of the pioneers in this approach.

"When we enter the parenting journey with an understanding of the importance of connecting to our children’s feelings and creating an open space for their authentic voice to be heard, we experience a different energy toward them. Dictatorial, controlling parenting now shifts to a partnership with our children, which means we honor their feelings and therefore fully consider their needs."

[Flying Dutchman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ich hatte völlig falsche Erwartungen an das Buch. Meine Erwartung war ein Erziehungsratgeber, der Eltern dazu motiviert, die Kinder "frei" und ohne Grenzen zu erziehen. Da ich diesbezüglich konträr eingestellt bin, haben mich die Gründe interessiert, die für eine "freie" Erziehung angeführt werden. Letztlich wurde ich aber überrascht, denn die Autorin empfiehlt nicht, den Kindern keine Grenzen zu setzen, im Gegenteil.
Insgesamt hat mich das Buch überzeugt, denn ich konnte mich oft selbst wiedererkennen, sowohl im Negativen, wie auch im Positiven. Die dargestellten Standpunkte wurde meines Erachtens schlüssig und plausibel dargestellt, sodass ich für mich viele wertvolle Ratschläge und Ideen mitnehmen kann, die ich versuchen werde umzusetzen. Ich bin gespannt, welche Wirkung sie entfalten.

[Hristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Да напиша, че книгата е страхотна, ще е малко. Съдържа ценна информация и може да бъде настолно четиво в ужасно голям диапазон от време. Обхваща периода от ранна детска възраст до тийнейджърството, а и дори след това. Струва си да се отваря през известно време, за да даде насока и успокоение, че нещата могат да бъдат "поправени".

"Децата ни не са дошли на този свят, за да бъдат наши марионетки. Те са тук, за да се борят, да търсят, да процъфтяват и да изпитват наслада - пътешествие, за което се изисква нашата подкрепа."

"Всичко се свежда до правото на всеки човек да бъде такъв, какъвто е по своята същност. Това създава атмосфета, в която той може да живее по свой собствен начин и да създава свързаност с другите. "

[Nikoleta Dancheva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Connection with the child is paramount. All misbehaviour can be brought back to lack of connection.
In the last few pages there are some practical strategies. There is a lot of repetition throughout the book.
My first parenting book, and I enjoyed it. The points I will take away is priorities connection. Do not project my unresolved insecurities or trauma. Connect consequences with behaviour, so the child can understand cause and effect and base their behaviour on actual consequences rather than punishment and discipline. Instill confidence and decisiveness to allow the child to take their own space and develop their own personality.