”People should know about us. Girls who write their pain on their bodies.”
this book has a big potential being a four star read for me, but i felt like there were so many thing didn’t reached to a conclusion. it felt like it’s unfinished, and there is no other book so it makes me think about what charlie did after that ending and if she found piece and a home she can feel safe. also i feel like events didn’t explained so well and i still have questions about so many things.
so in this book we follow a girl named charlie who is a 17 year old girl who had a terrible life, including events such as rape, self harm, suicide attempt, abuse and loss. her actions were incredibly relatable and i’ll show it with some quotes but my issue was about the descriptions of past experiences. the things she go through presented so well, however the traumas that she went through didn’t executed in detail. it wasn’t like there were holes in the plot but the events were described so briefly that you still have questions about it even after finishing the book.
”I cut because I can't deal. It's as simple as that. The world becomes an ocean, the ocean washes over me, the sound of water is deafening, the water drowns my heart, my panic becomes as large as planets. I need to hurt myself more than the world can hurt me, and then I can comfort myself.”
i’ve been defending the fact that physical pain blocks mental pain for so long, but i couldn’t explain it properly and charlie’s thoughts shows exactly what i am thinking. it was one of the things i have found relatable with her, along with a billion others, such as; she thinks there are two types of lonelinesses, one being distant from people and the other being utterly alone where you have no one. and she finds first one comforting, which i do all the time too. i think reading this was the moment i started to love her so much because it continued with her being a character that you can find yourself in. one of the quotes made my mouth drop open;
”Cutting is a fence you build upon your own body to keep people out but then you cry to be touched. But the fence is barbed. What then?”
this quote exactly shows how much you hate and get scared from physical touch and putting barriers around you, but still wanting someone to be able to understand you even though you fear to be understood. after her and riley had sex in julie’s office even though she didn’t wanted to, riley says to her that he didn’t forced her to anything, and charlie’s thoughts were ‘it was partially my fault, because i didn’t wanted to do it but i let him do it.’ i want this book printed and handed to every teen girl because i know there are millions of them thinking the same thing and blaming themselves, and i know that they wouldn’t be blaming charlie for this, but they blame themselves, so this can be a supportive love letter to who those suffer from this but can’t call it ‘trauma’ or ‘rape’ because it doesn’t count as one in society.
it’s so realistic that it made me suspected that if the author was a teen too; charlie loving school when there are no bad hearted students and teachers, can’t cry when everyone else is, because she has no tears left, always finding boys with ‘burnt glass and anger scent’, counting her jacket as an armor for her body, panicking when people are looking at her, being better in listening rather than talking, wanting to cry because of the things she suffered but refusing to cry them so she finds another reason to channel that reasons such as bathing with boiling water..
”I'm tired and angry at me. For letting myself get smaller and smaller in the hopes that he would notice me more. But how can someone notice you if you keep getting smaller?”
in fact, some people noticed her, good and bad. the relationships that charlie had was shown so nakedly, every fight, every hug, every speech was so realistic that you can clearly see the complexity of human interactions. i really liked her friendship with blue, it was unstable just like their mentality, disliking each other at the start but finding comfort and healing in each other arms through the following months was presented so naturally. and the way they were both tired of trying but keep pushing the other was so heartbreakingly beautiful to read.
other two characters that i adored so much were linus and felix. the fact that linus suffered from addiction was a good point in order to show how well she can understand charlie and willing to help her even though she don’t know her closely. and for felix, i love him so much for giving a chance and purpose to charlie, he opened a path for charlie to start living instead of just surviving.
but riley was the one who noticed her first. i hate him for the things he made charlie do, but i also love him so much for offering her closeness. his character was incredibly complex, which is again something i adored in the book because even though we want everything to be black and white, real life is full of shades of gray. riley always wandered through these shades, never getting to the two main pigments. i had such unstable thoughts for him, cannot figure out if i liked him or not, and i was sure that i’ll hate him after the things that happened in 85% of the book, but after months later at the concert, seeing him trying to recover, apologizing in a way that charlie can feel with her soul made me like him. as a conclusion, i dislike his some behaviors yet loving others, just like i do with people in my real life.
”I'm so unwhole. I don't know where all the pieces of me are, how to fit them together, how to make them stick. Or if I even can.”
if you suffered from a tiny bit of mental health issues, which i believe every person did, you can find a piece of yourself in charlie. even though she is still searching for her missing ones.
oct 3: i didn’t cried surprisingly 🧐 rtc <3
oct 1: on my poll this and cinder was so close so i wanted to broke my heart first then recover with lunar chronicles 🤭 thank you all for taking your time and leaving a vote 😽💋