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'Til Stress Do Us Part: How to Heal the #1 Issue in Our Relationships
A leading couples therapist shares indispensable tools to help you stress-proof your relationship through life’s many challenges.Every week, couples come into Elizabeth Earnshaw’s therapy room claiming their relationship issues are stressing them out. “The reality is just the opposite,” she says. “The unprecedented collective stress we all face today is the cause of many relationship challenges couples are experiencing.” With ’Til Stress Do Us Part, this trusted expert shares the tools to protect yourself and your relationship from distress—and restore harmony, understanding, and love.Beginning with an overview of many kinds of stress we face—from acute to chronic stress, and even positive eustress—Earnshaw uses client stories and personal experiences to reveal the visible and invisible strains on ourselves and our relationships. She then shares research-backed practices based on mindfulness and polyvagal theory to help you to detect signs of overwhelm and take proactive measures to protect, refresh, and heal yourselves. You’ll discover journaling prompts, body-based exercises, scripts, boundary-setting guidelines, and more for letting go of pressures and restoring emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy.“When we become partners, we commit to taking on life’s troubles together,” says Earnshaw. Here is an essential resource for helping you return your relationship to what it should be—a refuge from stress in a turbulent and demanding world, in which we always have each other’s back.
192 pages, Hardcover
Published September 10, 2024
44 people are currently reading
5853 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
December 29, 2024
I am unsure how to rate this book. Some parts were 4 stars and others were 1 star. I also read the audiobook version so that might’ve impacted my reading of it. The narrator was on a mission to use the same tone throughout.
The chapters start with a stressful situation that the author provides before diving into real-client cases and giving practical tips to manage stress. The stressful situations do a great job of making you feel stressed but I am not sure the tips made me feel equipped to handle those situations. Some of the incidents used as examples are truly traumatic - diagnosis of a terminal illness, death of a loved one, child birth, postpartum depression, dealing with a loss of job, loneliness, financial stress, etc. And others are manageable stresses but added to the ones above paint a tense picture - like work life balance, how to care for your family, starting a new business.
And I am not convinced the steps provided in the end help with that level of stress. Another thing we don’t dive deep into is the amount of external stresses that impact internal well-being (which is most of them) and how sometimes just saying “f-this” and carrying on is the answer instead of trying to problem-solve.
It’s not a terribly bad book, but the tips to manage and deal with stress are simple and don’t provide much value.
The chapters start with a stressful situation that the author provides before diving into real-client cases and giving practical tips to manage stress. The stressful situations do a great job of making you feel stressed but I am not sure the tips made me feel equipped to handle those situations. Some of the incidents used as examples are truly traumatic - diagnosis of a terminal illness, death of a loved one, child birth, postpartum depression, dealing with a loss of job, loneliness, financial stress, etc. And others are manageable stresses but added to the ones above paint a tense picture - like work life balance, how to care for your family, starting a new business.
And I am not convinced the steps provided in the end help with that level of stress. Another thing we don’t dive deep into is the amount of external stresses that impact internal well-being (which is most of them) and how sometimes just saying “f-this” and carrying on is the answer instead of trying to problem-solve.
It’s not a terribly bad book, but the tips to manage and deal with stress are simple and don’t provide much value.
May 31, 2024
Thank you to Netgalley and the author for providing me with an Advanced Reader copy of this book; I thoroughly enjoyed it.
"The hard part about being a good couples therapist is that every now and then have to say something a little bit scathing while using a likable tone. Otherwise you're a liar or an asshole."
I enjoyed this quote. It made me laugh and it also made me connect with and appreciate the author and therapist for her honesty and bluntness, both are qualities in communication that I like.
This book is fantastic because it's so relatable, easy to understand and easy to read. It makes you understand that if you're struggling in your relationship it's probably something other couples have and do struggle with and there are ways to fix them together if you have the correct tools, which are provided here. Many of the provided scenarios were things I was able to relate to and/or see myself in and I enjoyed reading the provided feedback and session notes at the end of how to fix each problem both as a couple and individual.
One of the things that resonated with me was what the author describes as your mental load. It includes remembering, researching, worrying and delegating and I think it's important to focus on because a lot of the times tasks that need done require more work than someone who isn't actively taking on the role may realize.
Another piece of advice that really stood out to me was to identify the four horseman- a tool to handle your own criticisms and defensiveness. This tool helps you realize what is happening, a lot of people, including myself and the author, get critical when they get anxious and another tool called "name it to tame it," which is basically just realizing what's going on and putting that realization into action can keep stress, negativity and an argument from arising, which leads to healing problems and being closer in your relationship overall.
In general, I don't have the most positive view of therapy because in the one and only time I have gone, I did not have a good experience and I do not have money or insurance that will cover for me to try to find a better match for me. But I do enjoy reading books like this one that provide a kind of self-guided therapy if you're willing to put in the work yourself.
This book reminds me of Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist, speaker, author and podcaster , which is a compliment becauseI also enjoy her work. I look forward to reading more from Earnshaw.
"The hard part about being a good couples therapist is that every now and then have to say something a little bit scathing while using a likable tone. Otherwise you're a liar or an asshole."
I enjoyed this quote. It made me laugh and it also made me connect with and appreciate the author and therapist for her honesty and bluntness, both are qualities in communication that I like.
This book is fantastic because it's so relatable, easy to understand and easy to read. It makes you understand that if you're struggling in your relationship it's probably something other couples have and do struggle with and there are ways to fix them together if you have the correct tools, which are provided here. Many of the provided scenarios were things I was able to relate to and/or see myself in and I enjoyed reading the provided feedback and session notes at the end of how to fix each problem both as a couple and individual.
One of the things that resonated with me was what the author describes as your mental load. It includes remembering, researching, worrying and delegating and I think it's important to focus on because a lot of the times tasks that need done require more work than someone who isn't actively taking on the role may realize.
Another piece of advice that really stood out to me was to identify the four horseman- a tool to handle your own criticisms and defensiveness. This tool helps you realize what is happening, a lot of people, including myself and the author, get critical when they get anxious and another tool called "name it to tame it," which is basically just realizing what's going on and putting that realization into action can keep stress, negativity and an argument from arising, which leads to healing problems and being closer in your relationship overall.
In general, I don't have the most positive view of therapy because in the one and only time I have gone, I did not have a good experience and I do not have money or insurance that will cover for me to try to find a better match for me. But I do enjoy reading books like this one that provide a kind of self-guided therapy if you're willing to put in the work yourself.
This book reminds me of Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist, speaker, author and podcaster , which is a compliment becauseI also enjoy her work. I look forward to reading more from Earnshaw.
September 17, 2024
I actually enjoyed this book. I could tell there was research to back it up but the author kept the narrative interesting by adding a personal touch.
There were many portions of the book I enjoyed but probably the “good enough mother” portion and one other section stuck out the most for me. This is something I struggle with and can appreciate its importance. The other part is how stress is so much more nowadays with all the roles an individual is obligated to play. Roles are not singular anymore, but so many hats one wears in a fast paced world. The physical, emotional, and mental load include unspoken “rules” and expectations placed on someone. This can include remembering, researching, worrying, and delegation. Which individual in the relationship is in charge of each of these? What kind of toll does it play in your relationship?
“in order to avoid dealing with arguments, shut down and frustration, one partner that can “handle the stress” takes it over. In doing this, they work hard and quietly to make sure everything works out in order to reduce their partners sensitivity to frustration. Then once they figure it out—voila—they unveil the outcome only to find their partner is unhappy with it.”
This sentence hit home for me! (And probably others’ as well).
Wow….not a marriage/couples therapy book per se, but definitely worth the read.
There were many portions of the book I enjoyed but probably the “good enough mother” portion and one other section stuck out the most for me. This is something I struggle with and can appreciate its importance. The other part is how stress is so much more nowadays with all the roles an individual is obligated to play. Roles are not singular anymore, but so many hats one wears in a fast paced world. The physical, emotional, and mental load include unspoken “rules” and expectations placed on someone. This can include remembering, researching, worrying, and delegation. Which individual in the relationship is in charge of each of these? What kind of toll does it play in your relationship?
“in order to avoid dealing with arguments, shut down and frustration, one partner that can “handle the stress” takes it over. In doing this, they work hard and quietly to make sure everything works out in order to reduce their partners sensitivity to frustration. Then once they figure it out—voila—they unveil the outcome only to find their partner is unhappy with it.”
This sentence hit home for me! (And probably others’ as well).
Wow….not a marriage/couples therapy book per se, but definitely worth the read.
September 10, 2024
Elizabeth offers a raw and insightful take on the #1 killer in relationships (and, really, health) which is stress. With relatable personal antidotes and stories from her own relationship, she teaches how stress is the cause of a lot of relationship issues. Navigating relationships and stress often involves a balancing act, which Elizabeth uses her professional background and personal life to provide a manual for readers to use. I will be implementing much of this in my own relationship!
January 12, 2025
Found this very easy and engaging to read. Was a page turner. The author Elisabeth Earnshaw’s (Liz) politics around the impact of financial stress and capitalism on stress was not great. Despite this, she provides good tips that I think would apply to many people. Liz explains stress and how it operates very well. However, she doesn’t describe general stress management tips, just more how it operates and affects people. It was great Liz discussed the mental load and it’s impacts on clients. Liz’s examples of her work with couples and her own interweaving of her life and reflections was so interesting, though I did find some of the stories quite intense because of my own relationship to them (especially cancer related ones).
I liked Liz incorporating all these therapy concepts in the book, with clear examples of what they entail. I enjoyed all her insights and lessons as a couples therapist. It feels like a lot of the book is a clear presentation of other therapy research and concepts - like Emily Nagoski’s “Come as You Are” and Esther Perel’s ideas on the importance of ritual and routine. Liz talking about her techniques in therapy to self regulate herself, and not project on the client was interesting. As I’m studying to be a clinical psychologist it was all really interesting and helpful.
I feel like some sections could have been signposted or more nuanced around financial issues and capitalism as a cause of stress.
- Liz mentions she’s privileged to be able to afford child care. And she mentions not everyone can afford to outsource help like cleaners or childcare, and instead need to rely on community. But she doesn’t properly address poverty or capitalism. The book seems very targeted to the middle class.
- The book doesn’t seem very intersectional in terms of discussing the role of capitalism, sexism, racism, ableism etc. on stress. Liz has a section where she gets a lot of hate comments on her Instagram, one saying “why haven’t you posted about the protests in Philly and what you believe? You’re complicit in harm!”. She then mentions she has been passionate about social justice her entire life, and social justice matters to her but the administrative tasks of daily life leave her no time to research social justice stuff and lean into what matters to her. However surely being up to date on left wing issues is important in therapy? And there are ways to contribute that are lower energy than researching & writing your own political posts - such as reposting other people’s left wing content, attending protests, having deep discussions with friends on issues etc.
- Liz gives an example of her and her husband struggling with money yet they can afford to buy a small apartment to rent out and have childcare. More care could have been used with the wording “not much money” if you can afford to buy an apartment. Also I believe landlords shouldn’t exist, as it takes property off the market and exploits and profits off a basic need.
- This quote from Liz “Many of us are stuck with an endless list of unsolvable, out-of-our-control problems—viruses, chronic illnesses, crime, financial crises, poor political leadership, lack of community connection, long hours at work, too much screen time, and civil unrest—so we pour extra stress into our cup by choice in order to have something to control” feels apolitical. She mentions “poor political leadership” rather than capitalists, and “civil unrest” normally refers to protests for good causes.
- This quote from Liz “Choosing to add stress and refusing to remove it is one of the biggest quagmires of our time” is wrong. Firstly, it’s mainly only for middle class people that having too much on your plate is a choice. It’s a luxury to be able to take something off your plate & have it not negatively affect the quality of your life e.g. if you are financially struggling, working two or more jobs may be your only option for adequate income.
- Liz mentions how hard Covid was for everyone. And how it was hard for her as a non-stop woman who filled her days with things. She discusses the ramifications of this. However, she does not mention her financial privilege during the situation!
I liked Liz incorporating all these therapy concepts in the book, with clear examples of what they entail. I enjoyed all her insights and lessons as a couples therapist. It feels like a lot of the book is a clear presentation of other therapy research and concepts - like Emily Nagoski’s “Come as You Are” and Esther Perel’s ideas on the importance of ritual and routine. Liz talking about her techniques in therapy to self regulate herself, and not project on the client was interesting. As I’m studying to be a clinical psychologist it was all really interesting and helpful.
I feel like some sections could have been signposted or more nuanced around financial issues and capitalism as a cause of stress.
- Liz mentions she’s privileged to be able to afford child care. And she mentions not everyone can afford to outsource help like cleaners or childcare, and instead need to rely on community. But she doesn’t properly address poverty or capitalism. The book seems very targeted to the middle class.
- The book doesn’t seem very intersectional in terms of discussing the role of capitalism, sexism, racism, ableism etc. on stress. Liz has a section where she gets a lot of hate comments on her Instagram, one saying “why haven’t you posted about the protests in Philly and what you believe? You’re complicit in harm!”. She then mentions she has been passionate about social justice her entire life, and social justice matters to her but the administrative tasks of daily life leave her no time to research social justice stuff and lean into what matters to her. However surely being up to date on left wing issues is important in therapy? And there are ways to contribute that are lower energy than researching & writing your own political posts - such as reposting other people’s left wing content, attending protests, having deep discussions with friends on issues etc.
- Liz gives an example of her and her husband struggling with money yet they can afford to buy a small apartment to rent out and have childcare. More care could have been used with the wording “not much money” if you can afford to buy an apartment. Also I believe landlords shouldn’t exist, as it takes property off the market and exploits and profits off a basic need.
- This quote from Liz “Many of us are stuck with an endless list of unsolvable, out-of-our-control problems—viruses, chronic illnesses, crime, financial crises, poor political leadership, lack of community connection, long hours at work, too much screen time, and civil unrest—so we pour extra stress into our cup by choice in order to have something to control” feels apolitical. She mentions “poor political leadership” rather than capitalists, and “civil unrest” normally refers to protests for good causes.
- This quote from Liz “Choosing to add stress and refusing to remove it is one of the biggest quagmires of our time” is wrong. Firstly, it’s mainly only for middle class people that having too much on your plate is a choice. It’s a luxury to be able to take something off your plate & have it not negatively affect the quality of your life e.g. if you are financially struggling, working two or more jobs may be your only option for adequate income.
- Liz mentions how hard Covid was for everyone. And how it was hard for her as a non-stop woman who filled her days with things. She discusses the ramifications of this. However, she does not mention her financial privilege during the situation!
August 20, 2024
This was a huge eye opening read. Some of it made me really pause and think about things. I’ve been having trouble lately with my stress so this read came at the right time. If you need help with self discipline and reflection this is the read for you.
August 13, 2025
I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this! What a cool dive into how many relationship issues do *not* actually stem from poor communication, but rather from a lack of healthy coping tools for how to handle stress. This is a concept I have been wondering about for years, as I feel like Brandon and I typically communicate in a healthy manner, yet it's so easy to find ourselves in strange arguments when one of us is struggling with seemingly unrelated stress. The examination of how stress can lead our brains to function differently reminded me a lot of The Body Keeps the Score. It was a powerful reminder of needing to take a break when we're both emotionally and physically overwhelmed.
I appreciated the way the author validates how easy it is to be overwhelmed in our current world, how "keeping up with the Joneses" is more prevalent than ever, and the way she talks about co-regulation. Too often I feel like the advice is to "figure stuff out on your own" because it's not fair to your partner if you're struggling... but this approach encourages couples to work as a team and to help be a calm space for one another while we're stressing.
I admit, some of the food for thought would be more thought-provoking for newly married couples (most of these topics Brandon and I have been talking about for years and understand well), but some of the exercises were interesting, especially talking about boundaries and working on realizing how you can say "no" when your "thirds" (commitments outside your immediate relationship) are growing too overwhelming. I want to keep working on radical acceptance--- recognizing that when things are out of our control, we first need to acknowledge that before we can create a path forward. Brandon and I also talked about creating a "North Star" mantra to come back to as well!
I appreciated the way the author validates how easy it is to be overwhelmed in our current world, how "keeping up with the Joneses" is more prevalent than ever, and the way she talks about co-regulation. Too often I feel like the advice is to "figure stuff out on your own" because it's not fair to your partner if you're struggling... but this approach encourages couples to work as a team and to help be a calm space for one another while we're stressing.
I admit, some of the food for thought would be more thought-provoking for newly married couples (most of these topics Brandon and I have been talking about for years and understand well), but some of the exercises were interesting, especially talking about boundaries and working on realizing how you can say "no" when your "thirds" (commitments outside your immediate relationship) are growing too overwhelming. I want to keep working on radical acceptance--- recognizing that when things are out of our control, we first need to acknowledge that before we can create a path forward. Brandon and I also talked about creating a "North Star" mantra to come back to as well!
November 15, 2024
I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like it did anything for me. A lot of “duh” information in my opinion? Like, if you’re stressed with your normal routine don’t go on vacation? Idk. Maybe I’m just not the intended audience and that’s ok.
October 9, 2024
Really enjoyed this book written by a therapist about stressors in life and how they affect marriage. I especially enjoyed the first part about mental load.
A lot of it was common sense to me, but that's probably because I've been married nearly 20 years
and we've really dialed in on how to approach stressful situations and conversations with one another.
Had I read this book 10+ years ago it would have been a lot of new info to me. Even though the content was confirming information and beliefs I already have, I still found it helpful and reassuring. For example, the part on culling things from your life and being able to say, "No" affirmed what I did several years ago. I know my limits and I don't really care about saying yes to everything people want me to do, though I once did. This includes church callings. There are only certain things I'm willing to do at this time in my life in regards to church callings and visiting teaching. At one time this would have caused me a lot of guilt and shame, but it doesn't at this phase of my life, which is quite freeing.
Anyway, a good book. I recommend it.
A lot of it was common sense to me, but that's probably because I've been married nearly 20 years
and we've really dialed in on how to approach stressful situations and conversations with one another.
Had I read this book 10+ years ago it would have been a lot of new info to me. Even though the content was confirming information and beliefs I already have, I still found it helpful and reassuring. For example, the part on culling things from your life and being able to say, "No" affirmed what I did several years ago. I know my limits and I don't really care about saying yes to everything people want me to do, though I once did. This includes church callings. There are only certain things I'm willing to do at this time in my life in regards to church callings and visiting teaching. At one time this would have caused me a lot of guilt and shame, but it doesn't at this phase of my life, which is quite freeing.
Anyway, a good book. I recommend it.
March 12, 2025
Well, some of its content is five star. So, if you have stress issues, it's worth a read. The end of chapter worksheets are good and the methodology sound.
I'm sorry, she stressed me out with her examples of what a questionable therapist I felt she is, from learning that one of her favorite patients just discovered THAT DAY, that she had stage four cancer, and she then puts her on hold, angrily texts her husband to shut the kid up (background noise) and then proceed to finish the zoom therapy session totally distracted without explaining why to the poor 31 year old girl who just learned she is dying, to admitting she attends her therapy sessions waist up presentable, waist down in pajamas because her time management is basically nil, I just thought whew, glad I am not her patient. These "vulnerable" stories did not make me feel more compassionate for her. But then, maybe I need to work on that since no one else seems to have noticed these things, lol. ;)
But in all fairness, some of her methods are good and worth examining if you have stress issues, as I do.
Some things are better left unsaid and unwritten. ;) Including this review but what the hell.
I'm sorry, she stressed me out with her examples of what a questionable therapist I felt she is, from learning that one of her favorite patients just discovered THAT DAY, that she had stage four cancer, and she then puts her on hold, angrily texts her husband to shut the kid up (background noise) and then proceed to finish the zoom therapy session totally distracted without explaining why to the poor 31 year old girl who just learned she is dying, to admitting she attends her therapy sessions waist up presentable, waist down in pajamas because her time management is basically nil, I just thought whew, glad I am not her patient. These "vulnerable" stories did not make me feel more compassionate for her. But then, maybe I need to work on that since no one else seems to have noticed these things, lol. ;)
But in all fairness, some of her methods are good and worth examining if you have stress issues, as I do.
Some things are better left unsaid and unwritten. ;) Including this review but what the hell.
June 7, 2024
This book is a must-read for anyone that wants to better understand stress and its impact on relationships.
Liz shares personal stories and wisdom her own life and her work as a marriage and family therapist.
Reading this book is like having an eye-opening conversation with a friend who just really gets it but also has the skills as a therapist to give you the life changing advice you need.
It's packed with practical tips, fun exercises, and thought-provoking insights.
If you've been feeling stressed out or just want to deepen your connections, this book is a roadmap to better relationships and a happier, less-stressed life.
Liz shares personal stories and wisdom her own life and her work as a marriage and family therapist.
Reading this book is like having an eye-opening conversation with a friend who just really gets it but also has the skills as a therapist to give you the life changing advice you need.
It's packed with practical tips, fun exercises, and thought-provoking insights.
If you've been feeling stressed out or just want to deepen your connections, this book is a roadmap to better relationships and a happier, less-stressed life.
April 6, 2025
such an amazing and useful read, definitely became my fav and go-to life navigating guide. she made the topic more relatable through her own personal stories and extracts of her session with clients and concrete with chapter summary and step-by-step guide. this book reminds me of the one by dr. julie smith—same vibe and ways of writing, yet the topic expands over relationships, especially between couples. i love how this book indirectly reinforces the belief that you must and can work your ways through relationships together, it’s not just fate or passion. also, it’s okay to feel (she also shows clearly how to hold spaces for your partners to do so)—mindblowing
October 17, 2024
Audiobook version: WHY do so many authors think it’s best to read their own books??! 3.5 stars that would have been 4.5 stars if they’d had a voice actor read it instead of the author. I found her voice irritating, so it was hard to concentrate on the material. Also, why is there not a pdf of the questions for audiobook listeners? There’s actually some good stuff here if you can get a hard copy, or suffer thru the audiobook better than I could.
November 28, 2025
Practical stress management techniques with examples from a typical marriage with working/child stressors. I need one of these for just parenting too! Four stars because the first chapter was about the mental load and the topic is just overused I think, almost turned me off from continuing to read it because I thought there'd be nothing new in here for me. But there are hidden gems and helpful chapter summaries I can refer to again in the future.
September 28, 2024
This book offered solid strategies for identifying the stress (and stressors) that we all experience, how we handle said stress, and then a multitude of strategies to manage and cope with those stressors/remove them. We, as individuals, need to put in the work and also remember that we need to have compassion for others going through there own stress.
November 11, 2024
Rounded up from 3.5 stars. While there is an angle on how couples can coordinate stress management and learn to understand different stress responses in their partner, it reads largely as a primer of therapy concepts. Patient and personal stories are reasonably well chosen as examples of what those concepts might look like in practice.
April 17, 2025
Very practical. And the author is a therapist but a very human one: I like how she told a therapist who assumed she knew the manholes: she can see patterns in others (her clients) but can’t recognize them in herself. Ironically this is what I didn’t like in Maybe You Should Talk to Someone but I liked it here.
December 9, 2024
🎯
I got this book randomly just to have an audiobook to fall asleep to. Somewhere along the way I actually started listening. Now I have bought a copy of the book and I'm planning to go through the whole thing again. Insightful, realistic, and full of tools
I got this book randomly just to have an audiobook to fall asleep to. Somewhere along the way I actually started listening. Now I have bought a copy of the book and I'm planning to go through the whole thing again. Insightful, realistic, and full of tools
October 2, 2024
Too much Venmo, not enough substance. The best part were the patient stories.
October 29, 2024
Highly recommend this one!
October 30, 2024
Interesting, definitely some things to try and learnings for me.
December 11, 2024
3 1/2 stars. This had great anecdotes and speaks well enough to the topic. The fix it part felt kind of rote.
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December 26, 2024Loved interviewing the author on our podcast! Interview to come January 2025
January 10, 2025
I REALLY enjoyed this. The author was relatable, but provided great context to her exercises using examples from both her life and the lives of her clients. Really appreciated this book.
January 14, 2025
This felt like a quick tour of other relationship books with some of her own cases (she’s a marriage counselor) thrown in.
September 16, 2025
This author is very likable & takes a humble approach to each subject. This is comforting & sound guidance mostly for high achieving millennial moms.
January 18, 2025
'Til Stress Do Us Part... equal parts research and coping methods to redirect and reduce stress combined with anecdotes from author's clients and personal life. Insight into general relationships, bot always intimate ones. Very useful guidance and clear examples throughout.
March 31, 2025
This was okay, kinda frustrating I feel like it was very much from a womans perspective and for women, so maybe just not the target audience.
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