A Survivor's Education: Women, Violence, and the Stories We Don’t Tell

by Joy Neumeyer

A moving, timely, and riveting memoir of intimate abuse, campus politics, and the narratives we choose to believe.

On a picturesque campus in the springtime, a young woman is shoved backwards down a concrete stairway by her partner. This follows months of slowly escalating violence. She ultimately ends the relationship, flees across the country, and initiates a Title IX case against him. She knows what she has experienced and survived: gaslighting, assault, manipulation, mortal threats. But others say, simply, that she hasn’t—and that her boyfriend is the real victim. Trained to interpret the past, she finds herself swept up in a struggle to define the truth about her life.

In this poignant self-investigation, historian and journalist Joy Neumeyer explores how violence against women is portrayed, perceived, and adjudicated today, decades after the inception of Title IX and in the immediate wake of MeToo. Interweaving the harrowing account of the abuse she experienced as a graduate student at Berkeley with those of others who faced violence, on campus and beyond, Neumeyer offers a startling look at how the hotly-debated Title IX system has altered university politics and culture, and uncovers the willful misremembrance that enables misconduct on scales large and small.

Deeply researched, daringly inquisitive, and resonant for our times, A Survivor's Education reveals the entanglement of storytelling, abuse, and power, and how we can balance narrative and evidence in our attempts to determine what “really” happened.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Feminism, Biography Memoir, Biography, Womens, History

320 pages, Hardcover

First published August 20, 2024

Reviews

[kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Part memoir, part historical non-fiction, part social critique; this book brilliantly weaves together many genres. Neumeyer takes this book to tell her story of domestic violence and connects it to a greater whole, specifically on the American college campus. Neumeyer is a historian so I wasn’t surprised to find history within these pages but for me, the history of Europe slowed the pacing and distracted from the social issues and my overall enjoyability of the book. Even with that, I found this to be a very interesting and informative piece of work that shines the light on how violence against women is perceived and handled.

Thank you Public Affairs and NetGalley for the digital copy in exchange for an honest review. Available 08/20/2024!

[Jenna · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone who has worked for many years in the fields of mental health and serving survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual assault, I always welcome and commend memoirs Iike this one. We need these stories, whenever survivors are willing and able to share them.


Every survivor’s story is different, and we need the variety to reflect people’s experiences and to resonate and connect with different readers. I will be honest that for me, this memoir was not my favorite relative to others. Having been an insufferable academic for a while myself, I have to confess that I have limited patience for hearing a lot of talk about people’s time in graduate school and their doctoral research. The author is clearly very passionate about her vocation as an historian, capacity for research and writing, and study of Russian history, and she tries to interweave various historical content that she finds relevant to her own experience of IPV. While it makes sense that she finds connections between, say, Putin and his invasion of Ukraine (which, needless to say, is terrible) to the behavior of an abusive partner, I personally just didn’t really need or especially benefit from the inclusion of such observations or comparisons. As another reader shared, they felt “shoehorned” in, or to me felt like padding on the autobiographical piece at the core of it all. However, this content will surely connect with others.


Regardless of my issues with the above, there are many other things the book does really well. Just for one, it gives a strenuously detailed account of how poorly IPV and SV cases can fare in the various arenas in which they are judged, which are uninformed, biased, and ill-equipped to evaluate these often-behind-closed-door crimes. The author includes pages and pages of transcripts from the UCLA Berkeley investigation of her case against her abuser to support this. The author also speaks about her sense of having to pursue justice not only for her own safety, but for that of other women, which is something I hear often about from survivors. And, the author speaks very eloquently and provides a lot of illuminating detail regarding the ways that abusers often attempt to use their own trauma and mental heath background to excuse their repeatedly violent behavior and to reverse victim and offender. (This is something I have witnessed ALL the time - I want to say almost invariably, at least to some extent - over my many years in the field.)


In all, recommended, especially given the dearth of memoirs about IPV.

[Lorie]

I would love for goodreads to add half ✨ stars. My rating is 3.9. I can’t quite give it a 4 but it’s a genius way to pair the topic with what’s currently going on in today’s world. Along with some clever history lessons I suspect most people are not familiar with!

[Larry Bassett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first learned about this book when the author‘s father posted about it on Facebook when it was published. The author came of age in the small central Virginia city before I moved here, 20+ years ago. I do not know her although I have some familiarity with her father And identify with some of her experience in this small city, which is a mixture of religious conservatism and struggle.

I experience this book in the audible format, where I had the benefit of the fact that the book is read by the author herself, which I often consider to be a special experience. Part of the Goodreads process is dividing a book into a variety of categories. One of the categories that I selected was memoir, which is possibly the one that I identify most closely with in retrospect. This is indeed the story of a segment of the life of the author. As you progress through the book which proceeds in a somewhat linear fashion historically, you experience the author growing in knowledge and experience. This is a complicated and personal issue for the people who find themselves experiencing relationship abuse, which is most frequently the abuse of a male of a female. The author deals with a wide variety of issues that she faced and worked through over probably a decade. Many of the events of the book occurred during her graduate education at the university of California at Berkeley. Her PhD is as a historian with a focus on Eastern European Development and history. She spent considerable time in Eastern Europe and apparently is presently living in Poland. Both because of her studies, focusing on Russia and her education in Berkeley, there is considerable focus on progressive and even radical thinking, which undoubtedly has an impact on the experience of the author and her developing Understanding and opinions. Since that progressive point of view matches my own, I found it to be a positive aspect of the book. However, the author has clearly undertaken a good deal of critical, thinking about the issue and guide the reader through a variety of efforts to critique and understand both the complexities and the changing narrative over time.

[CatReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

In her memoir A Survivor's Education, Joy Neumeyer recounts a physically and emotionally abusive relationship she had with a fellow history graduate student at UC Berkeley in the mid 2010s, the title IX case she filed with the university to protect herself after her ex escalated his behaviors toward her, and the years-long bureaucratic resolution process that took a huge emotional toll on Neumeyer and irrevocably changed her opinions of many colleagues and faculty and impacted her career going forward (several continued to side with her ex overtly or covertly). Unlike the majority of title IX cases, Neumeyer's case was decided in her favor, upheld on appeal, and her ex was expelled from UC Berkeley. Unfortunately for Neumeyer, the case had lingering effects on her mental health and her prospects of getting an academic job with the PhD she earned in history in 2020, due to academic politics. Being an academic by training myself, I can definitely say Neumeyer experienced the vicious, dark underbelly of academic politics that lurks below the surface of a seemingly copacetic exterior.

The subtitle of the book gives the perception of a larger scope than just Neumeyer's story. Neumeyer does explore the history of title IX and the outcome of several cases similar to hers, both historical/pre-title IX and contemporaneous, and discusses the changes to title IX with recent presidential administrations and the #metoo movement and its backlash. Throughout the book, Neumeyer repeatedly tries to shoehorn lessons she learned studying Russia under Communism into the narrative (her PhD dissertation involved examining the roles of intellectuals under Communism) -- this part felt unnecessary for the casual reader. Over 75% of the book is Neumeyer's own story -- told in a very stilted, passive, depersonalized manner as she recounts her abusive relationship, then increasingly finding her voice and conviction as she narrates literal years of waiting for her title IX case's outcome and every subsequent indignity. The strongest part of the book for me was Neumeyer's nuance in describing her reactions to how the tone of title IX has shifted from "protect the abused" to "protect the abuser" and restorative justice -- in Neumeyer's case, she is forced to grapple with this due to her progressive political leanings and the fact that her ex was a person of color while she is white.

Further reading:
Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention by Donna Freitas - a similar story involving a PhD student and a research advisor
Notes on a Silencing: A Memoir by Lacy Crawford
Complicit: How Our Culture Enables Misbehaving Men by Reah Bravo | my review
Whistleblower: My Journey to Silicon Valley and Fight for Justice at Uber by Susan Fowler - for the early chapters where Fowler tells a similar story that took place during her academic career
To Name the Bigger Lie: A Memoir in Two Stories by Sarah Viren - another memoir highlighting the dark side of academic politics | my review

My statistics:
Book 216 for 2024
Book 1819 cumulatively

[Michal Tetreault · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for granting me this ARC in exchange for an honest review. This book is set to be published August 20, 2024.

What an incredible read! I'm a huge fan of memoirs and I knew I needed to get my hands on this as soon as I read the description. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.

A Survivor's Education is an intensely personal and moving memoir about the author's experience with an abusive relationship while her and her partner were working on their PhDs at Berkeley. It also details her experience with the Title IX system at her university. Neumeyer uses her training as a historian and journalist to piece together the "truth" of what happened to her and her relationship. She also explores the history of Title IX and explores the MeToo movement and how things have changed (or not changed) in the last few decades.

This is a deeply personal and moving story and I think Neumeyer does a wonderful job at balancing the many aspects of this book. It is part memoir, part history book, and part commentary on how abuse and misconduct is treated in our society today. This was beautifully written and so compelling. I loved how she weaved her academic studies in Russian history with what she was experiencing in her personal life. I learned so much but never felt bogged down with information.

Overall, I think this is an incredible read and I would highly recommend it!

[Mesa Weidle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book depicts what many people go through every day sadly. Although it may be very difficult for survivors to share their story it is so impactful. The more we speak out the stronger we will be. I had a friend who was murdered by an ex-boyfriend walking home from a night class on college campus. She had reached out to campus police and the local police over 20 times and nothing was done prior to her murder. With more people speaking out and changes to laws and policies, I hope it becomes a safer place for those to follow. I have been dedicated to be a part of the solution to this huge problem we face.

If there is a survivor reading this who hasn’t spoke out, know that you are not alone and however you are deciding to heal through your experience(s) is completely understandable unless you are harming yourself or others. Don’t feel like you need to speak out if that doesn’t feel right to you. Every survivor heals and handles their trauma in different ways and you can take back control in whatever way that looks for you (hopefully in a healthy safe way).

I will list some national resources in the US below. Know you are not alone.

Domestic violence resource that can help you find local resources: https://www.thehotline.org

Sexual violence resource: https://rainn.org

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5. part memoir, part russian history, part reportage on the history of gender violence and Title IX. interesting and well written. a bit dense

[Anya Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

“A Survivor's Education” is a harrowing account of one woman's experience with abuse and the journey to reclaim her life. The author, who moves from Moscow to the United States to pursue her graduate studies at Berkeley, finds herself in a toxic relationship with Daniel.
The escalation of abuse is chilling, as Daniel becomes increasingly controlling and threatening. The author's fear and sense of isolation are palpable as she navigates the legal system to protect herself from her abuser. Her strength and determination shine through as she fights for justice and ultimately wins her case after two years and two months of perseverance. The parallels she draws between her own situation and historical figures add layers of depth to her story.
This is a powerful and important memoir that sheds light on the realities of domestic violence and the long road to healing and recovery.

Highly recommended for anyone seeking insight into the complexities of abusive relationships and the strength it takes to break free.

[Kelsi Chapman · Rating 3 out of 5]

The way this book is written, it comes across like a stream of consciousness. All the stories and recollections kind of blur together, which made it difficult to follow at times. It didn’t help that many of the conversations in the book seemed to take place via text message and email.

I also didn’t realize there would be such a heavy emphasis on 1. European history and 2. the actual legal process of prosecuting sexual assault on a college campus. I was definitely expecting more of a memoir, and this felt more like reading a research paper or article.

However, I did find it informative in regards to domestic violence and how it is handled at universities in the united states. I also liked that the author included actual copies of various documents relative to the story, such as the initial domestic abuse affidavit they submitted.

This book isn’t exactly what I expected, but it was still enjoyable.

Thanks to Netgalley for the advance copy!

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Survivors Education: Women, Violence. And the Stories We Don’t Tell – Joy Neumeyer – 2024-
In her debut narrative of investigative reporting, Joy Neumeyer uses her own story related to IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) combined with her launch of a Title IX investigation (2017) that consumed over two years of her life; and to further her research of the historic and cultural impacts of domestic abuse and violence against women.

After working as a journalist in Moscow, Joy arrived at UC Berkeley to complete a PhD program in European Studies with a focus on Russian History. The relationship she had with Daniel, a fellow in her program, slowly evolved over time. After a serious relationship began, his behavior, allegations, threats against her were vicious and appalling. The love she had for Daniel, could not prevent him from committing a felony assault that nearly killed her on April 29, 2017. It was fortunate Daniel was able to access hospitalization, mental health treatment, counseling through the Universities excellent health coverage for PhD candidates. Professor Alexander, who was the advisor for both Daniel and Joy, advocated for Daniel to remain in the program to continue access to treatment. Joy felt an obligation to formally report the IPV and alert others to future potential acts of abuse and violence.

In 2018, Joy returned to the Russian Siberian Alta region to the village of Yekaterinburg, where the tsar Nicholas II, his wife Alexandria, and children were brutally assassinated (1918) and later declared holy martyrs of the Russian Orthodox Church. Joy compared the violence against women in Russian society to American women was and realized the widespread and troubling similarities. When Title IX was enacted (1972), it applied to college and university sports teams and unequal campus hiring practices. The Women’s Liberation Movement added sexual harassment (1976-77) to Tile IX investigations hoping that allegations of misconduct launched by female staff members would be taken seriously and offered a level of protection. A shocking true-crime historical narrative of violence against women in the Berkley area was informative, as were the changes made to Title IX investigations by the Trump administration (2016). Joy was advised by her therapist that the Title IX investigation against Daniel was never meant to offer her any form of closure, and indeed, she was right. With thanks to Hachette Books via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.

[Corky · Rating 5 out of 5]

A unique and captivating journey through one woman's abusive relationship and the related aftermath. Neumeyer structured this book in a very strategic manner - specifically the first two thirds.
The prologue is a masterpiece - the bait and switch: I returned to the prologue after completing the book. Neumeyer does weave European history alongside her story - which at times slowed the pace - but, didn't necessarily disrupte the flow.
I appreciated her attention to nuance, specifically when it comes to the somewhat progressive group think surrounding restorative justice. As she so succinctly explained, being expelled from a world class PhD program does not constitute imprisonment in any sense of the word. Understanding the limitations of therapy and mental health awareness is crucial - hearing about her (and others) abuser's robust community support is sickening, but something I have witnessed first hand.
I appreciate Neumeyer's efforts in creating this book which no doubt was a difficult process and hope it receives the positive recognition it deserves.

[Kaybeeradio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why write, when it would be easier to turn the page? Speak up, when it’d be ‘nicer’ to stay silent? Reflect, when it would be less painful to forget?

Without a voice, the story’s forgotten. And once it’s forgotten, are you still sure it happened in the first place?

A Survivor’s Education is an intelligent, beautifully written memoir on a hard subject. As a student of history, the author deftly applies her skills examining the narratives of the past to her *own* past. She does so with honesty, self-awareness, and vulnerability. It’s in the title: this is a story that many (many) women have lived, but few tell. And fewer still can weave their intimate story of domestic partner violence into such a sharp, thoroughly researched investigation of the Title IX system in American academia.

Thank you for telling this story. Your voice helps the voiceless feel a little less alone.

For Shannon.

[Sophie Schott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir wrecked me, and left me with so many questions as a woman and as someone who has studied and lived so near to history for much of my professional life. How should we understand and integrate narrative evidence into our understanding of the past? At what cost?

I’m especially moved by the author’s recounting of her email conversation with a professor after she first published details of her assault and the academy’s reaction to it. In the worst ways, reminded me of a series of conversations I had with a professor in college, and the (sometimes good, sometimes terrible) advice I was given by other women on how to deal with his threats.

This book isn’t for everyone (it’s heavy on academic jargon and collegiate politics), but if you want insight into the making of a historian and the structures that perpetuate violence against women, this is a must-read.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC.
Well. I wasn't sure I was up to another domestic violence book, but this one was really valuable. The author was a grad student at the time as was her partner, when he began abusing and stalking her and trying to get sympathy for himself in the fallout--he was always the victim. But the author after deciding this was not just her fault, really began taking steps to keep herself safe, and was able to tie her experiences into the Russian history and literature that she was studying at the time, making this a really fascinating and very different domestic violence book, one that reminds us so well that this can happen to anyone, of any class or education level. Recommended.

[Kasia Hubbard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a bit hard for me to read, not because of the subject of domestic violence, but because of all of the ways Joy tried to fight back even while trying not to hurt or take revenge on the man who was hurting her, along with all the rest of the roadblocks she ran into along the way. This.....this is what still needs to be fixed in our society. This is more than 'just leave....why don't they just leave', but in her own words and with her own proof. I didn't want to like it. I still don't. And that has nothing to do with Joy. But it needs to be read, and shared, and truly fixed. Thank you so much for telling your story.
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*

[Christine LaBatt · Rating 5 out of 5]

A woman's recounting of her time at UC Berkeley and the domestic violence she experienced. Neumeyer was able to escape, but found more hurdles as she tried to navigate a Title IX report. Alongside her journey, she ties it to Russian history (her focus).

I thought this was so good. I am a historian by training (not in Russian history though) so I really appreciated how she brought in what she was learning in class and then her studies of Soviet Russia and tied it to her own story. It was disappointing too to see how universities navigated Title IX complaints about sexual harassment. I would definitely recommend. It was so easy to read, even if you are not a historian.

I received my copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book everyone needs to read. Joy Neumeyer does an excellent job weaving together a narrative of an abusive relationship where you understand the conflicting feelings she experiences along with the utter injustice many survivors face when reporting these incidents to universities. Through the personal, she sheds light on the murky system survivors must navigate when reporting abuse and dives into the history of title ix and what work still needs to be done. Her writing gets a bit heady at times (the Russian history comparisons can be a lot), but overall this is such a crucial read for understanding what people are up against when reporting gender based violence to universities.

[Laurie 🪿🍊 · Rating 4 out of 5]

A story of domestic violence and how dv cases work in court. This book also describes in depth the horrors women have faced for many years when it comes to violence, people not believing them, SA/rape, and even political viewpoints of men in power and their abuse of power. I enjoyed this book, just felt it was repetitive at times. I’ve been in a dv relationship, had a child with my abuser, and have been free from him for 6 years. This book didn’t trigger much for me, but I could see how it could be a trigger for some people who are victims.

[Tanya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly honest and moving book. I was impressed with the way the author was able to intertwine her personal experience of domestic violence with the Russian history that she was studying at the time and current events related to Title IX. I feared it might be too esoteric for me, but not the case - in the end I found it compelling and thought-provoking.

I feel smarter for having read this book and am recommending it to others.

[Lillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I strongly recommend this book but I found myself at sea in the last few chapters, especially when she devolved into academicese. I felt that she wasn’t quite sure who her audience was - academics or people interested in the elements involved in domestic violence, sexual harassment and assault. Still a very good read and I learned a lot.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written book, which explores the lived experience of intimate partner violence and questions how we tell the stories we tell. A necessary read for everyone, but especially those of us engaged in the practice of writing history.

[Mollie McKone · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great memoir about the toll of Title IX cases and the impacts of the Trump Administration on DoEd/Title IX proceedings. I appreciated her discussion, albeit brief, about the intersection of transformative justice and TIX however it fell short of my expectations

[Camden Goff · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars - This was an absolutely fascinating read. The author did an incredible job of telling her story while weaving in her passion of history, as well as commentary on the bureaucracy of Title IX at colleges and universities. It was definitely an eye opening read for me.

[Jon Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unique mix of history and memoir

[JJ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boring

[elinor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a compelling story, beautiful writing, the historical parallels of her PhD research and her current life is just so well done

[Julia Woods · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading.