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Shame on You: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification
In the spirit of Rebecca Traister's Good and Mad and Roxane Gay's Bad Feminist comes a courageous, in-depth investigation into the modern epidemic of shame in our society—what it is, why women are uniquely susceptible, and how we can shift the shame off our plates and live our best lives in an over-exposed, image-obsessed world.For millions of women, shame is a vicious predator. It tells us we are less than, that we are unworthy. We try everything to escape shame—ignoring it, intellectualizing it, and even, ironically, shaming ourselves for feeling it. The reality is that women experience shame more frequently and more intensely than men—a direct result, as acclaimed journalist Melissa Petro explains, of a patriarchal culture that “urges women to feel bad about themselves, and then punishes them when they do.” Why can’t we figure out how to break the shame cycle once and for all?In Shame on You, Petro takes on the issue of women’s shame directly with an unflinching look at the social systems that encourage women to believe we are deeply inadequate. From shame’s beginnings ( Maybe she’s born with it? Nope, it’s misogyny.) to its effect on our lives as adults (How the humiliation of “bad women” affects us all.), shame poisons our friendships, romantic relationships, and work lives. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Blending investigative reporting, science, literature, and hundreds of women’s personal stories—including her own shameful account of winding up as an unwitting New York Post cover girl—Petro offers us a new way forward. No matter what you do, she explains, there is no escaping being judged. And yet, the women we can become—sometimes as a consequence of shame, rather than in spite of it—are powerful indeed. And maybe that’s what others are afraid of."Melissa Petro writes so honestly and beautifully about the experiences and feelings that the world teaches women to bury. Here, she’s going deeper, unafraid to explore the rawest corners of blame and suppression. I feel sure this will be the exact book that women need." —Jia Tolentino
288 pages, Hardcover
Published September 10, 2024
37 people are currently reading
4478 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
May 16, 2024
My therapist will be hearing about this (in a good way).
I requested this ARC because I remember Melissa Petro—specifically, a New York Post headline referring to her as an “Idiot prosti-teacher” who “didn’t learn [her] lesson”. Exactly what ‘lesson’ is meant to be taken from being unfairly ousted from one’s job for one’s past? We may never find out, but I digress.
I also remember that many of the articles about Petro were written by other women. I remember the way one female columnist said, in the honest-to-god year 2010, that “there exists no legal or moral right for an openly loose woman to get her hands on the city’s most vulnerable kids”, as if Petro was the Child Catcher and not just a regular woman teaching in the Bronx. My favorite part is probably the unintentional implication that all teachers go into the profession to “get their hands on” kids, since there’s no other discernible reason to assume Petro would be trying to do so. Sex work and pedophilia are not even remotely the same, nor are teaching and pedophilia. What a baffling take.
Mostly, though, I remember how growing up and seeing years’ worth of articles like the ones written about Melissa Petro taught me to vilify sex workers and feel shame when compared to them or other “bad” women. I was only nine when she hit the news. It takes a long time to unlearn and heal from this sort of stuff, and I immediately connected with the title of this book—I think this one is going to resonate with a lot of women, no matter if you’re familiar with the author or not.
(Real quick before my actual thoughts on the book, though, I want to mention Andrea Peyser: the columnist responsible for not only the quotes in the first paragraph but also the frequent celebration of the idea of people being raped in prison. Clearly, Andrea is a paragon of purity, and people like her should definitely be the ones judging who is and isn’t allowed to work with children. Petro actually refers to Peyser’s ‘article’ a few times and manages to be impressively polite and professional about it—and good for her! She even makes some fantastic points for radical empathy towards those, especially other women, who have hurt you and caused you shame. Fantastic points which I am intentionally ignoring for the purpose of this review, because I literally can’t stop myself from mentioning that Rupert Murdoch once had to personally apologize for Andrea Peyser referring to Christiane Amanpour as a “CNN war slut”, which is a hilarious collection of words but not a great thing to call another person.)
ANYWAYS. The book. It's probably clear by now that I loved it. I rarely read books categorized as self-help and Petro was the draw for me, but I found this book to be a very readable balance of information, feminist dissection of the concept and impact of shame, and discussion on self-improvement/dealing with shame.
Petro’s writing wasn’t technically remarkable, but it was enjoyable. I found her funny and conversational—the tone is somewhere between your no-nonsense therapist pushing you to be your best, and your friend telling you a story about the insanity she puts up with at work. One of those that kind of feels more like getting coffee with the author than reading, especially because Petro includes lots of personal quotes from women she’s discussed shame with. Sometimes it’s much more interesting and refreshing to get insight into the perspective and experience of everyday women than it is to deep-dive the data on a subject, and I think this is one of those cases.
Overall, Shame On You provides an unflinching look at shame, the way patriarchal societies weaponize it against women, what we deal with as a result, and how we can heal from it. This is an important book from an interesting perspective, and certainly one I’ll be recommending. 4 stars, mostly because I wish the chapters and subject matter had been slightly better organized.
A sincere thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the advance copy in exchange for my honest review!
I requested this ARC because I remember Melissa Petro—specifically, a New York Post headline referring to her as an “Idiot prosti-teacher” who “didn’t learn [her] lesson”. Exactly what ‘lesson’ is meant to be taken from being unfairly ousted from one’s job for one’s past? We may never find out, but I digress.
I also remember that many of the articles about Petro were written by other women. I remember the way one female columnist said, in the honest-to-god year 2010, that “there exists no legal or moral right for an openly loose woman to get her hands on the city’s most vulnerable kids”, as if Petro was the Child Catcher and not just a regular woman teaching in the Bronx. My favorite part is probably the unintentional implication that all teachers go into the profession to “get their hands on” kids, since there’s no other discernible reason to assume Petro would be trying to do so. Sex work and pedophilia are not even remotely the same, nor are teaching and pedophilia. What a baffling take.
Mostly, though, I remember how growing up and seeing years’ worth of articles like the ones written about Melissa Petro taught me to vilify sex workers and feel shame when compared to them or other “bad” women. I was only nine when she hit the news. It takes a long time to unlearn and heal from this sort of stuff, and I immediately connected with the title of this book—I think this one is going to resonate with a lot of women, no matter if you’re familiar with the author or not.
(Real quick before my actual thoughts on the book, though, I want to mention Andrea Peyser: the columnist responsible for not only the quotes in the first paragraph but also the frequent celebration of the idea of people being raped in prison. Clearly, Andrea is a paragon of purity, and people like her should definitely be the ones judging who is and isn’t allowed to work with children. Petro actually refers to Peyser’s ‘article’ a few times and manages to be impressively polite and professional about it—and good for her! She even makes some fantastic points for radical empathy towards those, especially other women, who have hurt you and caused you shame. Fantastic points which I am intentionally ignoring for the purpose of this review, because I literally can’t stop myself from mentioning that Rupert Murdoch once had to personally apologize for Andrea Peyser referring to Christiane Amanpour as a “CNN war slut”, which is a hilarious collection of words but not a great thing to call another person.)
ANYWAYS. The book. It's probably clear by now that I loved it. I rarely read books categorized as self-help and Petro was the draw for me, but I found this book to be a very readable balance of information, feminist dissection of the concept and impact of shame, and discussion on self-improvement/dealing with shame.
Petro’s writing wasn’t technically remarkable, but it was enjoyable. I found her funny and conversational—the tone is somewhere between your no-nonsense therapist pushing you to be your best, and your friend telling you a story about the insanity she puts up with at work. One of those that kind of feels more like getting coffee with the author than reading, especially because Petro includes lots of personal quotes from women she’s discussed shame with. Sometimes it’s much more interesting and refreshing to get insight into the perspective and experience of everyday women than it is to deep-dive the data on a subject, and I think this is one of those cases.
Overall, Shame On You provides an unflinching look at shame, the way patriarchal societies weaponize it against women, what we deal with as a result, and how we can heal from it. This is an important book from an interesting perspective, and certainly one I’ll be recommending. 4 stars, mostly because I wish the chapters and subject matter had been slightly better organized.
A sincere thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the advance copy in exchange for my honest review!
November 15, 2024
I think I was hoping for an evaluation of shame in society but this was almost like a memoir?? It felt like just a repetition of “I was shamed for this and that’s bad” over and over again. The best parts were when she discussed the psychology of shame and how it’s ingrained in our culture
December 18, 2024
Shame On You exposes the dark inner voice of shame that tells us we're irredeemable, then reveals where we learned those awful scripts in the first place, giving us the power to write our own redemptive narrative at last. I love how many different voices and experiences are woven together in this book, to give a wide-lens view of how shame impacts our society. An incredibly timely and important book.
September 30, 2024
This book was trying to be too many things at once: memoir, self help, a research paper using too many brene brown quotes. There were some good parts, but the author should stick to blogging.
February 14, 2025
Some really insightful parts but overall a bit rambling and repetitive. Highlights shocking, but sadly not surprising, disparity around shame and gender.
March 24, 2024
Shame on You by Melissa Petro is a memoir of an incredibly brave and talented woman. Her story of being a paid sex worker and the repercussions that this had on her life is very compelling. The book opens up with her very challenging decision to resign as a public school teacher in New York City and concludes with her settling in to motherhood in a relationship with a supportive husband.
This book also covers the topic of shame citing several of Brene Brown’s publications as well as several interviews. I felt that these sections of the book detracted from Ms. Petro’s compelling personal experiences. Nonetheless, I read this book in less than a day and could not put it down. I highly recommend this book.
Thank you to NetGalley and Penguin Group Putnam for an advanced reader copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
This book also covers the topic of shame citing several of Brene Brown’s publications as well as several interviews. I felt that these sections of the book detracted from Ms. Petro’s compelling personal experiences. Nonetheless, I read this book in less than a day and could not put it down. I highly recommend this book.
Thank you to NetGalley and Penguin Group Putnam for an advanced reader copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
September 10, 2024
I hoped this would be more broad, and there was a lot of good commentary and ideas in here. Overwhelmingly I found the book to be mostly about the author's experience being shamed for being a sex worker and losing her teaching job after it was exposed. Definitely there are things that are universal about shame, but this lens of what happened to her was so specific I had a hard time finishing the book.
March 26, 2026
The areas that touched on the impact of shame on society/indivuals/culture were interesting, but it leaned a little (a lot) too memior for my taste. I fear this may be my fault for checking out semi-blindly from the library, but I was still expecting more of a retroactive dive on shames impact on women than I received based on the blurb I was provided.
Memorable quote:
Memorable quote:
“Research finds that friendships between women are particularly beneficial to our health. Clinical psychologist and author Molly Millwood describes this as “The Female Effect,” which is “when two (or more) women who know and trust each other simply spend time together, they experience increases in oxytocin, which in turn increase feelings of empathy and fondness for one another and decrease cortisol, which is the stress hormone.”
For women, camaraderie is also good for our careers: a 2019 study of recent MBA grads, for example, found that women who have a strong circle of friends are more likely to get executive positions with high pay.”
February 16, 2025
This was more so a memoir, so not exactly what I thought it was going to be and that’s a marketing issue. But it was still a good read despite that.
“It’s so familiar, so ubiquitous, that it’s become our own inner monologue: if there isn’t physical proof, it didn’t happen. If there is evidence, you’re setting the dude up. You didn’t tell anyone, and so you must be lying. If you confided in friends, they’re a part of the hoax. If you didn’t seek medical treatment, you weren’t injured; if you did seek medical treatment you overreacted. It was all part of a vindictive plan.
What were you wearing? What were your intentions? Were you drinking or using drugs? Have you ever? Do you have a clear memory of the assault? Did you cut off contact with the abuser just as soon as it happened? Did you tell the perpetrator right then and there that what he did was wrong? Why not? Why didn’t you speak up? Why didn’t you say no? Why didn’t you fight back? If you fought back, you were the aggressor.
No matter what you do, be prepared for it to be wrong. And prepare yourself for the world to feel sorry for the man who violated you…
A perfect victim is a victim, entirely. She is — before, during, and after the event — completely without fault. That is to say she is without agency. A victim has no choices. But real women have choices. Before, after, and sometimes even in the midst of our most powerless moments, we have power. We make decisions. We make choices and, yeah, sometimes we make mistakes.” pg 141-2
“It’s so familiar, so ubiquitous, that it’s become our own inner monologue: if there isn’t physical proof, it didn’t happen. If there is evidence, you’re setting the dude up. You didn’t tell anyone, and so you must be lying. If you confided in friends, they’re a part of the hoax. If you didn’t seek medical treatment, you weren’t injured; if you did seek medical treatment you overreacted. It was all part of a vindictive plan.
What were you wearing? What were your intentions? Were you drinking or using drugs? Have you ever? Do you have a clear memory of the assault? Did you cut off contact with the abuser just as soon as it happened? Did you tell the perpetrator right then and there that what he did was wrong? Why not? Why didn’t you speak up? Why didn’t you say no? Why didn’t you fight back? If you fought back, you were the aggressor.
No matter what you do, be prepared for it to be wrong. And prepare yourself for the world to feel sorry for the man who violated you…
A perfect victim is a victim, entirely. She is — before, during, and after the event — completely without fault. That is to say she is without agency. A victim has no choices. But real women have choices. Before, after, and sometimes even in the midst of our most powerless moments, we have power. We make decisions. We make choices and, yeah, sometimes we make mistakes.” pg 141-2
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 23, 2026
I’m not sure what drew me to this book nor why I would have even wanted to read it.
Until I did. And while not particularly academic nor literary ( pretentious babble set aside), I found myself more and more drawn into the wretched realities of the shame endured by this author as well as realizing ever so slowly, that many of the feelings I’ve had as a young girl, woman, wife, and mother— are related to shame,
Actually. No. Not related. It is shame I realize what I’ve felt. Shame for not being the person my parents wanted me to be, shame for not being smart enough, thin enough, fast enough, or shame for simply not making the mark.
And that was all before high school.
What this book elucidates is an entire culture of shame that places undeniable expectations on young girls and women and then wonder why they are so angry or depressed or, need Prozac.
And that’s what made the authors writing so contagious…reading this was like talking to an old friend who was kindly able to explain stuff that you didn’t even realize was bothersome, until she put it in a sentence.
I read this book slowly over a month. I’m still absorbing it. And I’d invite you to do the same.
Until I did. And while not particularly academic nor literary ( pretentious babble set aside), I found myself more and more drawn into the wretched realities of the shame endured by this author as well as realizing ever so slowly, that many of the feelings I’ve had as a young girl, woman, wife, and mother— are related to shame,
Actually. No. Not related. It is shame I realize what I’ve felt. Shame for not being the person my parents wanted me to be, shame for not being smart enough, thin enough, fast enough, or shame for simply not making the mark.
And that was all before high school.
What this book elucidates is an entire culture of shame that places undeniable expectations on young girls and women and then wonder why they are so angry or depressed or, need Prozac.
And that’s what made the authors writing so contagious…reading this was like talking to an old friend who was kindly able to explain stuff that you didn’t even realize was bothersome, until she put it in a sentence.
I read this book slowly over a month. I’m still absorbing it. And I’d invite you to do the same.
April 21, 2024
“You are a body first,…..and your body is not yours alone.”
Shame on You by Melissa Petro is a novel focusing on the world of shame that women deal with on a daily basis. Shame is heaped on women from the moment they are young, and the older they grow, more of its is forced into their lives. Petro discusses shame in the many forms it comes in this novel. From the moment women are born, shame is involved with their bodies. Modesty, making sure we are covered properly. As we grow older, not only is shame connected to modesty, but it becomes connected with aging, motherhood, wife-hood, sexuality.
Petro connects these themes of shame with her own experiences, starting with when she lost her job as a teacher due to her past as a sex worker. She guides the reader through how she learned to cope with these expectations set against shame as she navigated her way as a woman in this modern day.
My one concern for this novel was this structure. It looses its flow frequently, and the story telling seems a bit all over the place. However, I would still recommend this novel as think piece about what it means to be a woman in any stage of life.
Thank you to NetGalley and G.P. Putnam’s Sons for the advanced reader copy!
Shame on You by Melissa Petro is a novel focusing on the world of shame that women deal with on a daily basis. Shame is heaped on women from the moment they are young, and the older they grow, more of its is forced into their lives. Petro discusses shame in the many forms it comes in this novel. From the moment women are born, shame is involved with their bodies. Modesty, making sure we are covered properly. As we grow older, not only is shame connected to modesty, but it becomes connected with aging, motherhood, wife-hood, sexuality.
Petro connects these themes of shame with her own experiences, starting with when she lost her job as a teacher due to her past as a sex worker. She guides the reader through how she learned to cope with these expectations set against shame as she navigated her way as a woman in this modern day.
My one concern for this novel was this structure. It looses its flow frequently, and the story telling seems a bit all over the place. However, I would still recommend this novel as think piece about what it means to be a woman in any stage of life.
Thank you to NetGalley and G.P. Putnam’s Sons for the advanced reader copy!
December 5, 2024
I’m always grateful to #goodreadsgiveaways for expanding my horizons. This book is not of a genre I often engage with so it perhaps took a bit for me to settle in and form a real opinion. Extensively researched with great experiential contributions from other women, and a compelling personal narrative. I created quite a list of other primary sources I might want to read (that might be a little more up my street) but this is an accessible introduction and well organized. Ultimately it didn’t totally grab me but was a quick read and I was happy to think about some of its points as they applied to my own shame experiences.
November 7, 2024
While I agree with what some other reviewers have said, namely that this book tries to be too many things, and is perhaps not as organized as it might be, I still can’t bring myself to give it a low star rating. Once I accepted it as mainly memoir and anecdotes, I found more value in it.
May 27, 2025
I really liked what this book had to say but I feel like it jumped around a lot from advice to memoir to stories from other women and sometimes I got a little confused on whose story I was reading about. But I really loved the wisdom in this book as well as the author’s inclusion of wisdom from other women authors/researchers and the long list of recommended sources/reads at the end of the book!
April 5, 2024
There was a lot here I related to as a mother, wife, and woman, with great discussions of the concept of shame not only from this author, but with textual citations to works of many others who write and conduct research on the subject. I enjoyed the personal stories and teaching moments more than some of the academic aspects. Certainly you'd expect a shift of tone and attention, and honestly, these portions were not super long and were peppered appropriately throughout the book.
I liked the cover, I liked the writing, I liked the honesty. Now if we could all collectively agree and get on board, we could change the world. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on how I can incorporate these strategies and make my life easier.
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the e-arc in exchange for an honest review.
I liked the cover, I liked the writing, I liked the honesty. Now if we could all collectively agree and get on board, we could change the world. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on how I can incorporate these strategies and make my life easier.
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the e-arc in exchange for an honest review.
February 14, 2025
Memoirs masquerading as self-help are a miss for me. I love a good life story, and I seek out non-fiction that can help me live a more fulfilling life, but the mixing of the two is just messy. This book was disjointed and had no clear structure or organization. The author attempted to widen her scope by including numerous quotes from random people on the internet and from books and it just didn't work for me. By the end I was frustrated every time she said, "by building shame resilience..." because I didn't feel she had really explained how she had done that. And a final note, it felt like she assumed I had read all her online articles, which left me wishing I had skipped the book altogether and just done that. Oh well, at least it was a library book.
July 31, 2024
Thank you to the publisher for sending me an advanced copy of this book!
I really enjoyed the perspective of the author and completely respect and admire her journey and all of the work that she’s done to de-stigmatize women’s experiences of shame in various aspects of life. There were a lot of really great personal anecdotes throughout this book. I think my primary qualm was that it felt like most of the book was geared towards moms specifically, which just isn’t me so wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for in exploring women’s shame as a general theme, but would still definitely recommend this- especially for any moms out there!
I really enjoyed the perspective of the author and completely respect and admire her journey and all of the work that she’s done to de-stigmatize women’s experiences of shame in various aspects of life. There were a lot of really great personal anecdotes throughout this book. I think my primary qualm was that it felt like most of the book was geared towards moms specifically, which just isn’t me so wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for in exploring women’s shame as a general theme, but would still definitely recommend this- especially for any moms out there!
December 11, 2024
It's hard to get my thoughts about this book because it's quite expansive, part memoir, part self-help, part shame research. It definitely provided some interesting food for thought regarding shame and how it's not really a productive emotion.
"It's already been said that you can't shame yourself into positive change. You can't bully yourself or someone you love into giving up an addiction, losing weight, or leaving an unhealthy relationship. I know what happens when I'm hard on myself: I feel frustrated and powerless. I get mad and then sad. And then mad again. I get defensive. And so it goes, until I give up."
I think I can be pretty good at empathy and providing space through listening but judgement goes hand in hand with shame. And the idea that people shouldn't be judged for their poor (or sometimes evil!) choices felt too radically out there and out of reach. The truth is, I was judging the author for her poor choices (not the sex work but definitely the lying and the cheating and the actions without thoughts of consequences). And as much as I can empathize and see her and others who make similar choices as fully human, I can't withhold judgment completely and I can't relate to being the kind of person who makes those choices.
And I agree with the author on how the expectations and judgments on women are unfair and never-ending and hypocritical and debilitating. I feel like society is way too quick to judge women harshly and put undue blame on them and we could use so much more compassion and empathy. But I both partially agreed and partially struggled with the Petro's approach to never shaming anybody no matter how heinous a crime they may commit.
"Shame, as I've just said, doesn't work. There are better, more effective alternatives to ostracization and criminalization...challenging oppression by calling someone out activates the same parts of the brain that are triggered when you're on the receiving end: the threat response is activated and we feel in danger."
While I understand what is being said here, I also feel like some people are just kind of awful and in positions where they can get away with it and while cancel culture can definitely go too far, sometimes it's the only way for victims to feel heard and get any sense of justice. And I don't know if many people would ever take any kind of accountability unless they were called out and confronted with the truth. So what do we do with that?
The latter part of the book delves more into Petro's experience with motherhood. And if I'm ever in a position of having a child with a man, having him read literature on the mental load and double burden and other feminist research will be an essential prerequisite! Because I'm not interested in going through all of that as inevitable as it feels when embarking on motherhood. I liked how Petro ended the book on the importance of female friendships. So essential!
Lots going on through the book as we follow Petros' different life experiences as a woman, dealing with shame and disenfranchisement and stigma.
"It's already been said that you can't shame yourself into positive change. You can't bully yourself or someone you love into giving up an addiction, losing weight, or leaving an unhealthy relationship. I know what happens when I'm hard on myself: I feel frustrated and powerless. I get mad and then sad. And then mad again. I get defensive. And so it goes, until I give up."
I think I can be pretty good at empathy and providing space through listening but judgement goes hand in hand with shame. And the idea that people shouldn't be judged for their poor (or sometimes evil!) choices felt too radically out there and out of reach. The truth is, I was judging the author for her poor choices (not the sex work but definitely the lying and the cheating and the actions without thoughts of consequences). And as much as I can empathize and see her and others who make similar choices as fully human, I can't withhold judgment completely and I can't relate to being the kind of person who makes those choices.
And I agree with the author on how the expectations and judgments on women are unfair and never-ending and hypocritical and debilitating. I feel like society is way too quick to judge women harshly and put undue blame on them and we could use so much more compassion and empathy. But I both partially agreed and partially struggled with the Petro's approach to never shaming anybody no matter how heinous a crime they may commit.
"Shame, as I've just said, doesn't work. There are better, more effective alternatives to ostracization and criminalization...challenging oppression by calling someone out activates the same parts of the brain that are triggered when you're on the receiving end: the threat response is activated and we feel in danger."
While I understand what is being said here, I also feel like some people are just kind of awful and in positions where they can get away with it and while cancel culture can definitely go too far, sometimes it's the only way for victims to feel heard and get any sense of justice. And I don't know if many people would ever take any kind of accountability unless they were called out and confronted with the truth. So what do we do with that?
The latter part of the book delves more into Petro's experience with motherhood. And if I'm ever in a position of having a child with a man, having him read literature on the mental load and double burden and other feminist research will be an essential prerequisite! Because I'm not interested in going through all of that as inevitable as it feels when embarking on motherhood. I liked how Petro ended the book on the importance of female friendships. So essential!
Lots going on through the book as we follow Petros' different life experiences as a woman, dealing with shame and disenfranchisement and stigma.
October 14, 2025
I learned a lot while reading Petro's book, mostly about all sorts of abuses of power, humiliation, and slut-shaming. The New York Post article that labeled her the "prosti-teacher" is the modern day equivalent of the Scarlet Letter. I had never given much thought to sex-work rhetoric or the long term consequences for women who leave that field to re-enter more mainstream work.
Another interesting thing I learned was the difference between anti-sex industry feminism and sex-positive feminism. That anti-sex industry feminism equates porn and sex work as oppression or exploitative whereas sex-positive feminism does not necessarily equate sex work with trafficking or abuse. It's a more progressive position that women are free to do what they want with their bodies. As naive as it sounds, before reading this book I was operating under the assumption that women would not work in this industry if they really had any other real choice.
These hybrid memoirs are tricky though. I would've liked a lot more of Petro's story and less lecturing and research. The book veers off into all sorts of issues such as men weaponizing their incompetence to avoid chores at home and the unfair domestic load that falls on women. At times the book was heavy and overwhelming, almost kitchen-sinking the world's problems.
Petro is a talented writer. There is a lot to admire about a woman who used her writing to share her story even though it blew up her life.
Another interesting thing I learned was the difference between anti-sex industry feminism and sex-positive feminism. That anti-sex industry feminism equates porn and sex work as oppression or exploitative whereas sex-positive feminism does not necessarily equate sex work with trafficking or abuse. It's a more progressive position that women are free to do what they want with their bodies. As naive as it sounds, before reading this book I was operating under the assumption that women would not work in this industry if they really had any other real choice.
These hybrid memoirs are tricky though. I would've liked a lot more of Petro's story and less lecturing and research. The book veers off into all sorts of issues such as men weaponizing their incompetence to avoid chores at home and the unfair domestic load that falls on women. At times the book was heavy and overwhelming, almost kitchen-sinking the world's problems.
Petro is a talented writer. There is a lot to admire about a woman who used her writing to share her story even though it blew up her life.
February 22, 2025
At first Shame on You reads as a millennial love note to Brené Brown, but Petro goes on to reference many others throughout. That’s also the problem: in some ways it feels like a collection of quotes more than a cohesive self-help guide and memoir of its own.
Her vulnerability and refusal to adopt the identity created by her “cancellation”, is incredible and refreshing and holds a very important message: shame does not create positive change. Awareness and accountability are, even toward the behaviors society would tell you are villain-makers, the only constructive response. And, imagine if you as a critic, like her critics, found themselves on the wrong side of opinion? Having stripped a qualified and experienced teacher from a classroom where she was desperately needed, having taken her means of making a living from her, having called an unforgivable sin what in fact was #1 irrelevant to her work, #2 in the past, #3 adult consensual sex. Who is the villain in this equation?
This is not in fact “How to be a Woman in the Age of Mortification”, but more: “here is the boatload of shame that women are carrying while also trying to be perfectly understanding of others, completely selfless, demure yet effortlessly sexy, and every other impossible standard of unwanted pressure. People found meditation, exercise and therapy helped.”
Her vulnerability and refusal to adopt the identity created by her “cancellation”, is incredible and refreshing and holds a very important message: shame does not create positive change. Awareness and accountability are, even toward the behaviors society would tell you are villain-makers, the only constructive response. And, imagine if you as a critic, like her critics, found themselves on the wrong side of opinion? Having stripped a qualified and experienced teacher from a classroom where she was desperately needed, having taken her means of making a living from her, having called an unforgivable sin what in fact was #1 irrelevant to her work, #2 in the past, #3 adult consensual sex. Who is the villain in this equation?
This is not in fact “How to be a Woman in the Age of Mortification”, but more: “here is the boatload of shame that women are carrying while also trying to be perfectly understanding of others, completely selfless, demure yet effortlessly sexy, and every other impossible standard of unwanted pressure. People found meditation, exercise and therapy helped.”
September 24, 2024
Helpful, conversational, and illuminating discussion about how shame functions as a tool of oppression in patriarchal society, where making women feel bad about themselves is a constant feature meant to obscure the fact that women's unpaid labor--caregiving, childrearing, organizing and running the household, marketing, food preparation, laundry . . . I could go on (and on)--props up the capitalist economy in which men can thrive. Men succeed, women fail and fall short; that's how the system works. But shame acts to make each individual woman think she is the only one failing; it's her fault; other women can manage to "do it all" . . . . That's a big lie that Petro's book exposes, and the voices of women shared in these pages are a chorus of testimony that no one can manage the absurd workload nor should we chastise ourselves because we can't. It's freaking impossible.
Book clubs take note: this is a great read for the autumn of 2024. If your current to-do list would last until 2026, steal some time to read this and lay your burdens down. You have nothing to lose but your depression.
Book clubs take note: this is a great read for the autumn of 2024. If your current to-do list would last until 2026, steal some time to read this and lay your burdens down. You have nothing to lose but your depression.
March 24, 2025
Shame on You by Melissa Petro is an unflinchingly honest and deeply compelling memoir. As a man, I found her perspective on shame, identity, and self-reclamation both eye-opening and deeply relatable. Petro doesn’t just tell her story—she forces you to examine your own beliefs about judgment, morality, and personal growth. Her writing is raw, introspective, and fearless as she takes readers through her journey with vulnerability and grace.
Petro doesn’t shy away from difficult topics—sex work, motherhood, relationships, and societal judgment—but instead examines them with nuance and clarity. Her storytelling is powerful, her voice is refreshingly candid, and her insights linger long after the final page. She doesn’t sugarcoat her past or try to fit into a neat redemption arc—she owns her experiences with incredible self-awareness.
This book is a must-read for anyone who has ever grappled with shame or struggled to reconcile their past with their present. Petro’s journey is uniquely hers, but the themes are universal. Shame on You isn’t just a memoir—it’s a challenge to rethink the way we see ourselves and others.
Petro doesn’t shy away from difficult topics—sex work, motherhood, relationships, and societal judgment—but instead examines them with nuance and clarity. Her storytelling is powerful, her voice is refreshingly candid, and her insights linger long after the final page. She doesn’t sugarcoat her past or try to fit into a neat redemption arc—she owns her experiences with incredible self-awareness.
This book is a must-read for anyone who has ever grappled with shame or struggled to reconcile their past with their present. Petro’s journey is uniquely hers, but the themes are universal. Shame on You isn’t just a memoir—it’s a challenge to rethink the way we see ourselves and others.
March 14, 2025
This was a fantastic read. My sister recommended it to me, and though it's not my usual sort. of thing, I loved it. We live in a world where people in general and women in particular are subjected to the most horrible callouts, cancellations, and public shamings. Where once it would only have been school gossip (bad enough) now it's the entire internet and social media. Melissa Petro went through a very public shaming after her past as a sex worker was revealed. It cost her a teaching career that she loved. She found a way through it, and was able to connect what happened to her to a larger phenomenon of shamings.
If you know anyone who has been shamed, or you yourself have been shamed, or you just want to rethink how you view people who fall from society's good graces? This is a really compelling read.
If you know anyone who has been shamed, or you yourself have been shamed, or you just want to rethink how you view people who fall from society's good graces? This is a really compelling read.
November 17, 2024
It was hard to connect to this book. I am still struggling to finish it. There were some good anecdotes here and there. Overall, structurally it was hard to follow. I also just don’t relate to the struggles of motherhood and 2000s pop culture because I’m just so young. Maybe I’ll reread in a few years or so. Was hoping for more of a psychoanalysis on shame and its overt and covert ways of showing up in society. This book however felt directionless and redundant. Understanding now that this book serves more as a memoir, I would have liked to save my $30. However, I end this by saying, that even though it was not my cup of tea, it was not the worst book ever. I was just looking for something different.
August 10, 2025
3.5. First, I really appreciate how this author draws to light the importance of how society shapes women’s feelings, their self worth, and their need to mold themselves to be acceptable. She goes into how feminism is multifaceted and intersectional and how women are affected by society’s expectations. With that said, I would’ve appreciated more to this book than sympathizing with what it is to be a woman, and maybe go into further ways we can avoid shame spirals, or feel them in healthy ways. There was a little towards the end, but I would’ve appreciated that being incorporated more. Overall I liked how she included lots of examples and stories of women she knows— that added a lot to the book.
August 18, 2025
Shame disproportionately affects women. I can still hear the echos of the comments that have always been part of the conversation...
She should be ashamed of herself...
Does she feel no shame?
And even when the word shame is omitted, the sentiment is there: Who (the hell) does she think she is?
We rarely hear these things about men.
Shame on You isn't just a book about how to BE a woman in the age of mortification, it's an important primer for men to read, too. I'd like to see this book as part of college curriculum! My college gave every female student a copy of Our bodies, Ourselves (in 1992!) and I'd like to Shame on You given out to ALL students to raise the standard on how to treat others and how to require others to treat you.
She should be ashamed of herself...
Does she feel no shame?
And even when the word shame is omitted, the sentiment is there: Who (the hell) does she think she is?
We rarely hear these things about men.
Shame on You isn't just a book about how to BE a woman in the age of mortification, it's an important primer for men to read, too. I'd like to see this book as part of college curriculum! My college gave every female student a copy of Our bodies, Ourselves (in 1992!) and I'd like to Shame on You given out to ALL students to raise the standard on how to treat others and how to require others to treat you.
August 27, 2025
I love this book. Author has a really engaging style that blends memoir with research and reporting (reminds me a bit of Brene Brown or Elizabeth Gilbert). Intriguing connections, solid source material (I wrote, like, five titles down that Petro references — she’s pulled some good stuff).
A few of the reviews mention that they don’t like the narrative / memoir, but that’s the style — I’d label this work something akin to “accessible academic.” Don’t open it expecting dense nonfiction… it’s an exploration of our shame-saturated culture’s harmful effects.
I feel seen and humanized and inspired to be vulnerable in my emotional messiness as I pursue authentic community.
Kudos, Petro! Thanks for this timely, salient work 🫶
A few of the reviews mention that they don’t like the narrative / memoir, but that’s the style — I’d label this work something akin to “accessible academic.” Don’t open it expecting dense nonfiction… it’s an exploration of our shame-saturated culture’s harmful effects.
I feel seen and humanized and inspired to be vulnerable in my emotional messiness as I pursue authentic community.
Kudos, Petro! Thanks for this timely, salient work 🫶
December 3, 2024
I spend a lot of time online. It is how I got to know most of my friends before we started getting coffee together or attending events. It is also a toxic place where people try to shame women for simply existing. We have men calling us fat and women telling us we are bad wives and mothers. We have people who are insecure calling out perceived issues in our marriages. Lately it is has been worse as we are on the brink of (hopefully) electing our first woman president.
I connected with the women in this book. I get it. They use shame to keep us in our place and it makes people mad when we just feel confident.
Thank you for the ARC. I loved it.
I connected with the women in this book. I get it. They use shame to keep us in our place and it makes people mad when we just feel confident.
Thank you for the ARC. I loved it.
March 14, 2025
Melissa so beautifully captures the shame people feel in the wide range of experiences that women face, from the every day interactions to the big life decisions. I found pieces of myself in many of the anecdotes provided and even questioned, "Wait... did I tell her that?" Finding yourself in these shared stories, makes shame feel less heavy and less isolating. It is beautiful to recognize that we can talk about the things we hold so deep and dark in our souls and find comfort in each other. I would also like to note, that I listened to the audio book, and Melissa's narration to be well paced, clear, and compelling.
June 29, 2025
4.5. I understand the criticisms of some reviewers as being a bit disorganized and too much memoir rather than research but I didnt find that greatly impacted my enjoyment of the book or how much I felt seen or how much I learned. I think if you take the book at face value and read it for the curiosity and enjoyment of what it has to say, not always understanding who exactly the author is quoting at any given time isnt that big of a problem. Suffice to say, I really enjoyed this book and, since it was a library loan, will be purchasing it in the future for when I want to refer back and remind myself that I’m not a uniquely flawed monster and that we all experience shame.
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