Raising Securely Attached Kids: Using Connection-Focused Parenting to Create Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience

by Eli Harwood

Create a lifetime of connection with your children.Therapist and wildly popular attachment research expert Eli Harwood (a.k.a. Attachment Nerd) illuminates attachment theory as foundational to the only parenting approach proven to have a lasting impact. How do you raise kids who are confident, capable, and caring? The first ingredient is a secure and close relationship—key to helping them self-regulate and thrive later in life. When children feel seen, heard, and supported, all other parenting tips and tricks start to work. Groundbreaking author Eli Harwood makes attachment theory (the science that explores the innate human need to bond with other humans) accessible and actionable in how it can help our children learn and grow into compassionate, warm adults. For anyone looking to build a better life for their kids, no matter what you went through growing up yourself, these simple, real-life strategies will help ·        Help you create a secure attachment relationship with your kids by choosing connection over control·        Prompt reflection on attachment patterns you developed in childhood and why you respond in certain ways during emotional moments with your children·        Help you resolve past attachment traumas so you can gain effective skills to offer calm, connected, and secure base·        Provide scripts and practical tools to build and reinforce a strong foundation of trust·        Encourage you to release the reins of influence as their independence grows Hopeful and inspiring, this essential evidence-based guide will show parents across different ages and stages everywhere that they are not alone in the questions and concerns they may have about their children's development. Though there have been countless studies on how attachment styles affect our romantic relationships, Raising Securely Attached Kids reframes the subject for cultivating a strong relationship between parent and child to bring transformative change to your relationships of all stripes.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Psychology, Childrens, Family

288 pages, Paperback

Published September 3, 2024

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are not words adequate to communicate my praises for this book. Raising Securely Attached Kids is the manual on parenting, and if you’re a parent and it’s not on your list of books to read, it absolutely should be.

Eli Harwood aims to teach the caregivers of the world how to parent harnessing the power of connection over control based methods, and as someone who has read extensively on the topic, this book is the best of its kind. Eli’s message effectively empowers parents to course correct without shame or blame. Her empathy makes you feel seen in the trenches while equipping you with the science behind a secure attachment. Because having a secure attachment is a lifelong human need, you can see yourself in these pages as both parent and child and the result is a book that instructs even as it heals. Throughout the book, there are various “Nerd Alerts” that go deeper into the science of the topic, and also, she makes a concentrated effort to pull in many varying perspectives of parenting for a secure attachment. In each discussion, she uses a generational lens so that it becomes easier to notice patterns you may be operating under. Then, she connects the dots so that you can see how that pattern has affected you and how it might impact your children if it remains unaddressed. She doesn’t stop at teenage years either, some of her most helpful discussions are devoted to parenting adult children well. Her chapter on managing conflict securely helped heal parts of my head and heart that I didn’t know were wounded.

Eli’s message is meaningful and approachable, and it’s one full of hope for the next generation. If you read one parenting book in 2024, let it be this one. It truly is that good. In fact, though I’m grateful to have been able to preview this book as an eARC, I have just preordered my copy and September’s release can’t come soon enough. Eli, if you see this, thank you again and again for your empathy, your compassion, your kindness, and your dogged determination to taking the message of secure attachment to the world.

I’d like to thank Sasquatch Books and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Laura (kroosreadsandreviews) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this author from our foster care group. I loved how she gave practical advice on how to support kids during the hard times that they go through.

I enjoy how the book gives specifics on how to seek connections with our kids. In particular, the different scripts that were in the book are so helpful to me.

I think this book has given me practical steps to seek connection with my kids. I look forward to using these strategies.

Thanks to the publisher for the arc. The opinions are my own.

[Landry Monroe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually read this like a month ago but haven’t put it on goodreads… this book is both informative and practical for what it looks like to foster a secure attachment with your kids! Eli makes a point to give examples for each stage of life so this book is practical for parents of newborns all the way up to parents of adult children. I will definitely be coming back to this book over and over again over the next few years!

[Caroline Monroe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a feeling I’ll be reaching for this book to reread many, many times over the next 18 years.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful parenting book
If you’re anything like me, you’ve consumed a lot of parenting resources over the years trying to figure out how to do it “right.” This book felt different - it still has some hard parts, but it felt very empowering. It felt in-line with the kind of parent I aspire to be.
The good: lots of science & research to back-up the suggestions and recommendations.
Detailed discussion of the how and the why - how to handle things and why handling that way is influencing your child and the relationship with them.
Honest discussion of what could be impacting your ability to put this into practice.
Just so much good information.
The hard: (these are actually also good - but are the parts I found the hardest to read/digest) the book digs into some tough topics, which can be hard to read/think about impacting your child.
Certain parts will definitely make you examine your own short and how/where you don’t have health attachment patterns. That part was particularly hard for me because I want to fix it, but it’s a process and not something that will happen quickly.

All in all - highly recommend this parenting book!

[Madison Hinton]

I really really enjoyed this. A very informative read that I will be going back to as my family grows and ages!

[Deb · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of my sisters messaged me a reel of Eli Harwood's on Instagram. I really liked it. So when I saw that she also wrote a book, I immediately put it on hold with my library. I really like the book. After reading this book, I've decided to follow the author on Instagram. I like her even better on Instagram because she regularly gives golden advice in small doses.

I am not the book's primary audience-- all my children are adults, but I do have grandchildren. This book also says many things that are relatable to other kinds of relationships, even marriage.

Also, this book explains me to myself as well as helps me understand other adults who may not have had solidly secure attachments while grown up.

Here are a few quotes, but there are many more:

"When a toddler steals a toy from another child, we can return the toy and offer compassion to our child about how painful it is to want something that someone else has. When we teach a toddler about their emotional state, it helps them to learn how to identify it, which, in turn, leads them closer to learning how to manage it and, then, how to communicate it." Page 50

"The independently handling feelings myth wants us to believe that emotional resilience lies in someone's ability to avoid pain or numb feelings, but the attachment research has shown us that security and resilience emanate from emotionally attuned early caregiver relationships. Because those experiences for our children help them learn a pattern of reaching and receiving that they can take onward in their lives." Page 95

"When other people respond calmly and compassionately to our feelings, we become more comfortable with feelings. The more opportunities we are given to receive emotional support from our attachment figures to understand what we feel, and then to be effectively soothed in our feeling states, the less out of control our responses are to those feelings when they arise." Page 96

"Resilience is what we develop when we have loved ones who are capable of helping us process our emotions and experience the regulated state that comes from empathetic care. Resilient=regulated connection.." Page 96

"I am giving my children attention so that they believe that their feelings and needs are real and have names, and so that they will also believe that other people's feelings are real and have names. Paying attention to my child in their emotional moments is how they will learn to be resilient (care for themselves) and compassionate (care for others)." Page 129

"The process of co-regulating our bodies into a calm and connected state is like walking hand in hand back up into our upstairs brains together. If we try to problem solve before we reconnect, it is so much harder to hear each other because we end up back in the basement of defensiveness. Many misunderstandings and escalations get stuck because we flip this order and try to talk our way into calmness, instead of calming our way into talkativeness." Page 177

Though it's a lot of information to process, I recommend reading this book. Maybe it's the kind of book to buy and refer to over time. I sure wish I knew all this stuff when my children were growing up. I can apply these lessons with my grandchildren. Also, I can continue to try to repair my relationships with my adult children and others.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was written by a therapist, for therapists. Blah. I am so over this trend of blaming your parents for your childhood trauma or insisting that everyone needs to go to therapy to process every little thing that has ever happened to them. And I reject the author’s view that if you don’t remember your childhood that you must be traumatized. It is damaging and not working out very well for kids who are more anxious and depressed than ever.

This book sits so squarely in a post-pandemic woke era that it left me rolling my eyes basically every page.

[Jessie Nigro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every parent should read this

[Leah Buschmann · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5- My first book on parenting and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but “Raising Securely Attached Kids” provided a good balance of theory and practical advice on parenting children at all ages and stages. Not every line resonated with me, and it was trying a bit too hard to be accessible at times, but I still regularly found myself wanting to highlight and remember pieces or talk to my partner about them. For me that’s the sign of a win. Lots of sound wisdom to be found and I hope the major points stick with me.

[Melanie Terry · Rating 3 out of 5]

I mostly liked this book, but my biggest complaint is the author talks down to the reader under the guise of “making the research more accessible.” I don’t need someone to tell me a “fancy-schmancy” word for something. I’m not in preschool reading Fancy Nancy. I understand what the author was trying to accomplish, but it felt very patronizing at times. I think Good Inside was a better book with similar advice and research.

[Jessica Covey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so thankful we live in the same time as people like Eli Harwood, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Siggie. Eli’s new book is amazing, as expected. So insightful and relatable and easy to understand. Trying to do right by your children when you need to heal too is a hard journey, and having Eli’s insight with her book, workbook and social content is sooo helpful. Highly recommend.

[Hollee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this. This book has changed the way I view parenting and view how I was parented and how that’s reflected in my parenting (can I include one more variation of the word parenting in this sentence).

[Brittin · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We don't decide who our children are, or how they are wired, but we do have influence over how they feel about those things through the ways we respond to them and work to accept them for who they are wired to be."

5+ stars for this foundational parenting read. I know quite a bit about secure attachment theoretically, but reading Harwood's practical book about it now that I'm a parent was excellent.

"Good behaviour is not the primary goal of secure parenting, it is a bi-product of the true primary goal: cultivating meaningful relationships with our children."

I could have done without the "nerd alerts". lol

"Secure childhoods are not childhoods without pain. They are childhoods where pain did not have to be experienced in isolation."

I appreciated how Harwood reflected on generational trauma and cycles. This can bring insight into who we are and some deeply engrained patterns.

"The process of gaining emotional intelligence and connection is wise and honourable work. When we understand what we are feeling and what to do with it, we are freed up to live present, connected and meaningful lives, no matter what circumstances come our way."

Highly recommend to any parent, caregiver, or teacher. I plan to revisit this book every year.

"Our job is not to hold tight, or to push loose, it is to stay steady. To offer connection and care, guidance and tools, and a secure parent who can handle both flinging and clinging with compassion and calm reassurance."

Audiobook: 8h 5m

[Conner Hinton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very helpful read for my current parenting stage because it included so many practical tips that I could implement immediately. I expect to keep this book as a handy resource as my family grows.

[Kellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

She presents a lot of good parenting info without making you feel like you are failing for not doing everything correctly. She does talk about the study that says you shouldn’t tell your kids “good job,” but also talks about another study that shows if you accurately respond to your kids needs 30% of the time they will turn out ok.

[Shelby Prins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Buying a hard copy so I can read it every year.

[Catherine Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

The chapter on secure conflict is pure gold✨

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow this was such a fantastic read (listen). I HIGHLY recommend this to anyone with kids (of any age) because it's never too late to start setting them up for success.

[Steph Chadek · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fantastic read. Would highly recommend to other parents. It’s my goal to reread this (possibly several times!) as my son gets older.

[Taylor Kundel-Gower · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought I've read just about every parenting book out there, but this book gave me so much practical information that has already had such a positive impact on my relationship with my kids.

[LBR · Rating 4 out of 5]

For every parent who has ever uttered the phrase, "It's not like there's a handbook for raising kids", there's this book.

In "Raising Securely Attached Kids" Harwood describes the importance of self-regulation and finding that sweet spot between being permissive and authoritarian. With lots of concrete examples that parents can draw from, this book is a revolution in creating a future generation of peacemakers and self-aware communicators.

[Mandy Figel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book and will reference often. Would recommend to anyone looking to love the kids in their life better - whether as an expecting parent, parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, or caregiver.

After providing a simple explanation of attachment theory and an invitation for growth no matter the starting place, Eli provides helpful research and application on a wide variety of topics from sleep to discipline to routines to recognition and delight.

(It’s also gracious and non-threatening in a way that I’d be confident giving as a gift to anyone without them taking offense, even if they choose to parent differently 🙂)

[Sarah Cupitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seems fitting that I pick this up to read while doing the last SAP session at sandras lol - one of the top parenting books I've read so far

Harwood powerfully articulates how, in terms of parenting styles, both sides of the pervasive cultural binary - *authoritarian* (dominating, controlling) vs. *permissive* (placating, indulgent) - are destructive to growing minds and bodies.

Notes:
- at its core, parenting is about forging strong, secure bonds with your child – helping them feel safe, supported, and valued as they navigate the challenges of growing up
- whether by comforting or dismissing their distress – teaches them a critical lesson about trust and security
- children with secure attachment are more independent, resilient, and emotionally stable as they grow
- the answer often lies not in control but in connection
- recognize that you are not in control of your child’s actions, but are in control of how you respond to them
- When you model emotional regulation and approach your child with empathy, they learn to regulate themselves
- Children who act out may be signaling unmet needs, stress, or confusion
- One of the greatest gifts you can offer your children is the ability to feel and express their emotions openly
- Many people mistakenly believe that maturity means dealing with emotions independently. While independence is essential for practical tasks, emotional strength comes from interdependence – reaching out to others for support
- Confidence in children isn’t something they’re born with – it’s something that grows from the interactions and relationships they experience. Children develop self-confidence when they feel secure and valued by their caregivers
- Confidence is grounded in self-trust and connection, while arrogance stems from insecurity and a need to feel superior
- The ideal approach is what’s often referred to as “growth-focused structure.” It’s a blend of clear rules and compassionate flexibility. For example, setting bedtime routines ensures children get the sleep they need, but being understanding when they occasionally struggle with these routines helps them feel seen and supported. Over time, this kind of structure promotes self-regulation, emotional awareness, and the ability to make healthy decisions.
- Secure conflict, however, is about recognizing that disagreements are opportunities for growth. The goal isn’t to avoid or win conflicts, but to guide children through them, modeling calm, constructive behavior that teaches them how to express needs and resolve disagreements respectfully.

Quotes:
- "The most effective way to influence our children is not to try to control their behavior or choices but to build a deeply connected and attuned relationship with them. When we put in the work to be connected to our children, we develop a kind of trust that makes the process of guiding them through life far easier and more rewarding for us both. " (p 27)
- "Cooperation is learned for our children by hearing a clear message from us that everyone's emotions and needs matter, and that some needs have to prioritized before others for the sake of health, safety, and organization. We will not always be able to meet all requests, but we will do our best to at least consider and understand them with compassion." (P 38)
- "They do not have the brain development of life experience to mutually hold an understanding of our needs and perspectives. With our kids, we are literally the bigger person, and it is our responsibility to honor that even when the conflict is initiated by our child's choices or dysregulation." (P 163)
- "What an incredibly sacred gift it is to get to be our children's attachment figures." (P 248)

[Jung · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eli Harwood's book, "Raising Securely Attached Kids: Use Connection-Focused Parenting to Build Confidence and Empathy", offers parents a roadmap for cultivating emotional security, confidence, and resilience in their children. Rather than focusing on rigid rules or control-based methods, Harwood emphasizes the importance of building a deep, secure attachment through connection, empathy, and structure.

Harwood begins by highlighting that the way we respond to our children’s emotional needs from the earliest moments lays the groundwork for secure attachment. For instance, when a young child looks to a parent for reassurance, the parent’s calm, empathetic response teaches them that they are safe and supported. This assurance forms the basis of their confidence and resilience, helping children feel grounded enough to explore and face challenges.

Traditional parenting often relies on commands, rewards, and punishments, which can shape behavior in the short term but doesn’t foster internal growth or emotional regulation. Harwood instead advocates for "connection-focused" parenting. By understanding and responding to a child’s underlying emotional needs, parents can more effectively guide behavior and build long-term emotional resilience. This approach encourages parents to ask not "How can I control my child’s behavior?" but rather, "How can I connect with my child?"

Harwood discusses the importance of allowing children to feel and express their emotions openly, noting that true resilience comes from emotional awareness and empathy, not suppression. Encouraging children to name and share their feelings builds emotional intelligence and interdependence, helping them regulate emotions and seek healthy support. Parents are encouraged to join their child in moments of distress, validating their emotions rather than suppressing them.

Confidence in children is cultivated through repeated experiences of love, understanding, and validation. Harwood encourages parents to balance independence with boundaries, teaching children that they are valued and capable without over-praising or pushing them toward arrogance. She underscores that a child’s self-worth and confidence grow from feeling consistently valued and understood, not from being made to feel superior.

Harwood advocates for a "growth-focused structure" that blends clear routines with compassionate flexibility. Predictable routines provide security and stability, but overly rigid control can stifle growth. Parents are advised to set age-appropriate rules while remaining open to adjustment as children develop, allowing room for independence within safe boundaries.

Conflict, when handled thoughtfully, can enhance the parent-child relationship. Harwood suggests viewing conflicts as learning moments, focusing on co-regulation and teaching respectful problem-solving. She encourages parents to guide children through conflicts by modeling calm, empathetic responses and helping them practice making amends when necessary. Teaching these skills early on fosters emotional regulation and the ability to handle disagreements constructively.

In "Raising Securely Attached Kids", Harwood emphasizes the significance of secure attachment and connection-focused parenting in helping children grow into confident, empathetic individuals. With a focus on compassionate boundaries, emotional awareness, and balanced structure, parents can build a foundation of trust and resilience, empowering their children to navigate life with both emotional intelligence and independence. This approach not only supports children’s growth but also strengthens the parent-child bond, creating a lasting, supportive relationship built on mutual understanding and respect.

[Adriann Saint · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be very beneficial. I especially appreciated that it wasn’t only theory but also gave very specific examples. Although I don’t agree on every value/worldview of the author, I appreciate her research and would recommend this book to clients and friends/parents!

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is unbelievably superb and helpful. I think one of its strongest assets is that it offers all these tips and information with a very palpable sense of compassion. You very quickly get the feeling that the reason you picked up this book and are seeking out alternative ways of interacting with children other than what most of us were raised with is celebrated as a victory in and of itself at every turn by the author, and that’s something I really appreciated.

Even as someone who doesn’t have kids of their own, I found so many nuggets of wisdom and just ways to improve relationships with anybody — old friends, my own parents, siblings, students, nieces, nephews, etc — that are applicable to various situations. I think the point of this book was to offer up what it looks like to try your best to come at relationships and their ups and downs from a place of understanding and always, always wanting to repair, learn, and celebrate the connections we make with others. This really is a must read for anyone at any stage of life who wants to further empower and strengthen the relationships in their life.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raising Securely Attached Kids is, hands down, the best parenting book I’ve ever read.

Harwood powerfully articulates how, in terms of parenting styles, both sides of the pervasive cultural binary - *authoritarian* (dominating, controlling) vs. *permissive* (placating, indulgent) - are destructive to growing minds and bodies. A simple scan of social media illustrates how deep the feelings run on these topics. She organizes these and other modes (like the *neglectful*) into illuminating contrasts under topics like structure, nurture, coping patterns, self-esteem, and outcomes.

Teasing apart still-operational assumptions, she focuses on research-supported methods of connection and relationship from the perspective of attachment styles. She outlines how secure attachment fosters resilience, growth, empathy, and the kind of self-understanding that enables kids to make authentic changes to their behaviors as they grow.

One thing that really stood out to me was the priority order of suggested action sequences. I had that magic reading experience of “click – ah, of course!” Calm bodies (co-regulating and connecting) are needed before conversation. Active listening is needed before responding. Investigating and learning together are needed before attempting to repair. Deep breaths might be needed before anything else.

I’m a fast reader, usually, but I found that it was more rewarding for me to read a couple of chapters at a time, and to let them bounce around for a few days before continuing. Concrete examples and creative vocabulary personalize the content, making the book accessible, relatable, and sometimes even playful. I kept lingering on things like co-regulation and cooperation and different kinds of structure.

Personally, I would have loved even more of the sidebar “Nerd Alerts” (this despite the fact that when I looked up the “Still Face” Experiment, it triggered nightmares). So I felt especially nerd-rewarded by the brilliant handling of the endnotes of the book. Organized by chapter and page, the specific phrase or sentence is quoted and set in bold, with the source listed. Reinforcement - and review - and source, all at once. Beautiful! I hope this method catches on. In addition, if you want to find a specific bit of text again, there’s an easily-scannable index of keywords.

[Cassidy Elaine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Many parts of this book I would give five stars because of how incredibly crucial attachment is between parents and children. The author gives many helpful examples and developmentally appropriate tips for how parents can forge strong relationships with their children, repair the bond when it inevitably breaks at times, and how kids will grow on to transfer their attachment in adulthood to other supporters (with parents still playing a relationship role, but one that changes when their kids reach adulthood and attach to a spouse, other support system, etc.)

As I write this review, I want you to know that I approach every book I read first and foremost as a Christian who takes the Bible to be my guide for life. Therefore, I can’t give this book 5 stars — there are sections of the book that endorse homosexuality and children being raised without one biological parent for the purpose of homosexual unions. This is deeply damaging to children, and it is harmful to their ability to attach because they are unnecessarily deprived of one biological parent. I want to point this out because kids deserve to be raised by their biological parents whenever possible. I also have the life experience of having been raised mostly by a single mother — I understand that there are times a biological parent cannot be present, and I know single parents in this position do the very best they can, and I honor them for their immense sacrifice. What is unconscionable is intentionally depriving a child of one biological parent when they would otherwise be healthy enough and willing to be involved in a child’s life. Children’s rights demand better than this.

[Amelia Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

My new favorite book on attachment!

So many practical steps and scripts on how to build safety and connection and insights into how kids brains work!