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360 pages, Paperback
First published August 30, 2024
I have made some unwise decisions, but what can a man do about unwise decisions except to undertake to make no more.
I have found that obsession is a beast that can never be truly tamed.
“I don’t believe there are any gods in this world. Not my God, and not any of yours. We all need to stop looking for them. We’re on our own here.”
We conquistadors suffer from a disease whose symptom is an insatiable thirst for gold. Unlike other fevers, ours cause those innocent of infection to die. I know this, yet I still write these words in the fervent hope that my name will echo with Francisco Pizarro and Hernán Cortés.
“You know, I think we’re all trapped by our ambitions. We build our own prisons with the bricks of our passions. Whether it’s the desire for gold or the desire to save souls.”
“What’s a man’s life worth once he abandons his life’s work?”
“You have the wrong view of eternal damnation, Capitán. Hell has nothing to do with dying an agonizing death. It’s failing again and again in the one thing you most strive for. [...] What is it you desire most, Capitán? What would eternal damnation be for you? Let me guess. Perhaps slowly to lose your command until you have no one left? Or could it be for your sense of honor to leak away until nothing remains? Or is it for you to achieve greatness, without anyone ever knowing what you’ve accomplished?”
Is it possible to know what it is that you most desire? I battle with this most deceptive of all questions, the beating heart of all our actions. For the mind can play itself for a fool. How can a man be certain that what he believes to be his most ardent yearning isn’t merely the hungers of others? Do we crave only the golden prizes that are held aloft by others to entice us? Do we conceal our true passions behind a mask of the passions of others? Are we ashamed of what the truth will reveal to ourselves? [...] I realized that a man who has no answer is squandering his life. And one who has a false answer is a shallow pool.
What man has the right to denounce another a demon? Who can truthfully make such judgment with the acuity of the unblemished? Should we not first be vigilant for demonic shadows that blight our own being? Should we not first watch the dark dance that plays our thoughts and dreams? Should we not first peer into our own souls?