Modern Masculinity: A Compassionate Guidebook to Men's Mental Health

by Stephan B. Poulter

A looming health crisis faces men who find themselves stuck in today’s changing world. Slowly, more and more men are learning the positives that come from talking openly about their struggles with mental and physical health. In this incisive and insightful guide to male mental health, popular clinical psychologist Stephan B. Poulter, Ph.D., unpacks the various issues that stem from male shame, including those surrounding anger, sexual orientation, wealth, physical performance and appearance, relationships, and much more.

Modern Masculinity is a practical guide for men of all ages to embrace their on-going process of developing a balanced, compassionate, and positive masculinity. Through case studies of real-life men from all walks of life alongside helpful analysis and practical, reader-focused exercises, this book

Practical applications to decode emotionsAction steps to address and release unresolved shame and angerWays to recalibrate your personal relationship to moneyMethods to set boundaries effectively and respectfullyStrategies to overcome fears of intimacy, rejection, and confrontationKeys to maintaining a loving long-term relationshipThe importance of male relationships and their value in helping other men heal and changeAbove all, Modern Masculinity shows that embracing who and what you are is a pivotal part of your masculinity journey. By uncovering the interconnections of physical health, mental health, and personal motivation, this comprehensive guide will give you the tools to become your best self.

294 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 19, 2024

Reviews

[Jen]

I received this from the publisher to read and after struggling for a year to get 20% of the way into it, I’m going to throw in the towel and say it’s me and not the book.

It’s not bad and I know it’s trying to be male-focused, but quite a bit of what the author is saying pertains to humans, gender doesn’t matter.

This didn’t work for me, but it might for you.

No stars, because it was 100% me on this one.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

He begins the book by sharing an example of how a local police department received a call about how a man’s brother had been missing since January. The vehicle was discovered 6 months later in the parking lot at a major store. In the trash and his personal items, they found his decomposed body. He struggled with depression, loneliness, and addiction. The store is right across from the police station and they never noticed. No had reported him missing for 6 months. The vehicle was there for 170 days. He used this example to covey how men tend to struggle with mental issues and they don’t like to talk to about it.


He shared how masculinity has changed over the years. In the last 150 years, the focus has been on making money and chasing after wealth. Men used to be measured on their farming skills and then industrialization confused men how to be involved as fathers. Men are now measured by their professional achievements. He looked at how men express their loneliness differently than women do and how it can cause men to become more aggressive. He explored how men also go after the idea of the perfect workout body. Instead, we need to become body awareness and we must realize this is a part of our mental awareness. Men tend to avoid going to the doctor until there is a major health issue. He explained how avoided his own health until he had a tore vertebral artery and a stroke that almost ended his life. It took almost 6 months for him to regain fully his strength. This caused him to ask himself what he was running from.


One of the most heartbreaking stories he revealed was about Sammy. He lost his own dad at age 16 years old when his dad walked to his mailbox. He was shot in the chest and killed by his neighbor. His dad confronted his neighbor when he was yelling at his wife and children. He would threaten them and his dad would even call the police on him. This led to Sammy dealing with emotional trauma and he would feel angry about people being bullied at work or even socially and this was causing problems in his engagement. The author was trying to help him in counseling. This story was just one of the powerful stories in this book.

I would recommend this life changing book to anyone who is seeking a book on masculinity. I liked how he wasn’t afraid to discuss sexuality, angry, shame, and much more. He was very knowledge in studying the issues men face and how they have involved and changed over time. I liked how included true and false type questions and the answers with a detail explanation. He enclosed helpful questions readers could answer. This is one of the best books I have read about the issues men face and how to work through the process.




“I received this book free from Globe Pequot for my honest review.”

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a frustrating read.

I should note that I'm not the target audience: Poulter writes directly to a cis male reader with a certain perspective on the world ... or whom others have deemed the most problematic of men.

I'm left with the sense that Poulter wanted his cake and to eat it, too. On the one hand, he covers a lot of material I can get behind when it comes to tackling toxic forms of masculinity. "True masculinity is showing love, showing compassion, showing all these things that are traditionally not spoken of as masculinity," for instance. At the same time, he goes to extremes to bemoan the backlash against the "modern" man, in which he includes cancel culture ("I'm so pissed off at this cancel culture," he writes, going on to claim that "[boys] are getting unfair treatment and shamed for being male at school" ... oh really?), the destruction of masculinity, the "toxic" label, "male bashing," and so on. He even starts the book off with a quote from a "mother, wife, and daughter who cherishes the men in her life" and despises "this negative notion that men are 'toxic' or 'aggressive'" ... such contradictions abound. I'm guessing his aim was to hoodwink the toxic man into drinking the Kool-Aid.

Poulter also frames his ideal form/s of masculinity in many, many different ways. We have the characterization I quoted above. We have the "four foundational aspects of being a man," which are "compassion, empathy, enthusiasm, and mentorship." We end with the "five F-bombs" (no joke), which comprise family, finances, friends, future, and forgiveness. The "balanced" masculinity that Poulter aches for toxic men to take on is rather multifarious.

Poulter also has a deeply binary and sexist view of gender, even while he acknowledges queer relationships for his men. This latter bit puzzled me, given the intended readership and how most of them view homosexuality. Anyways, men have masculine and feminine parts, he claims. Yup: that old "getting in touch with your feminine side" whimsy. When he covers attachment theory, it's all about the mother. Women are also pros at emotions and relationships by default. etc.

I'm confused about his ultimate goal with this "compassionate" (eh? surely not a pleasing descriptor to the manly man?) guide. He may wish to get men on board with this "balanced" masculinity concept, but will bold claims and exclamation marks (many sentences! end like! this!) win these men over and help them escape their inner "man caves" (his words, not mine)? I suppose only time will tell ... I look forward to checking in about how this work gets reviewed.

Thank you to NetGalley and Globe Pequot, Prometheus for the advance copy.

[Shea Cummings · Rating 1 out of 5]

Absolute garbage. I would have expected someone as "qualified" as Stephan Poulter to have much keener insights. This book was all over the place and honestly I would avoid it if you're actually serious about a self-healing and self-improvement journey. There are much better resources out there than this dumpster fire.

[Brady Valencia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought provoking, introspective and most of the guidance/lessons applicable to really anyone not just men

[Miles Low · Rating 5 out of 5]

Literal Genius