Sexism & Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World

by Jo-Ann Finkelstein PhD

An invaluable guide to understanding and dismantling sexism for parents trying to raise confident and powerful girls in a culture that often demeans them

The world is full of mixed messages for girls: Stand up for yourself but do it softly. Be independent but not single. Love your body, just make sure it’s waxed, bleached, and thin. And then there are the more overt hostilities: being talked over, paid less, touched without permission, and having politicians debate their right to bodily autonomy. Many parents find it simpler to affirm girls’ strength than to address these distressing experiences directly. But with girls’ skyrocketing rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide, parenting them in this culture presents an urgent challenge: How do we teach girls to recognize and cope with these realities without crushing their belief that they can effect change?

Harvard-educated psychologist Jo-Ann Finkelstein has more than two decades of experience working with girls, helping them find resilience in the face of toxic messages about beauty, sex, and femininity. In Sexism & Sensibility, she draws on real stories from her practice to unpack the effects of sexism in its many guises. Going beyond "girl power" and full of smart, constructive ways to help girls make sense of things, it includes

• How to talk about misogyny, gender stereotyping, objectification, and consent—at different ages

• Strategies for fine-tuning our daughters’ natural “sexism detectors” and safeguarding their self-esteem

• Ways to help girls spot and contest the microaggressions they face in school, in the media, in relationships, and in public

• How to recognize and combat sexism in our own parenting

We can’t shield our daughters from gender bias and sexism, but we can make sure they are prepared to handle it. Sexism & Sensibility is an eye-opening and essential resource for proactive parenting.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism, Childrens

320 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 3, 2024

Reviews

[Madeline Getz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not even a parent yet and I really needed this. I would love to have children someday but I’m terrified of messing them up. After finishing this today, I’m desperately wishing I had this wisdom growing up, but hoping to be the type of mum who my kid(s) feel comfortable talking to about anything, even the more embarrassing and depressing topics. If I can display even half of this type of parental guidance that Finkelstein encourages then I will have already broken many generational trauma cycles. There are so many important issues brought up in her book that I think need to be talked more about. Will definitely read this again!

[Debi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to be an early reader of this book, and my one criticism is that I didn't have all the counsel and wisdom in it when my daughters were younger.

As someone who considers myself a progressive, introspective, and very deliberate parent, I thought I had a pretty good sexism detector. Finkelstein's research on the insidious ways that sexism has invaded my thoughts -- and therefore, my parenting -- revealed that I still have much to learn and unlearn. In particular, she lays out the ways in which the feminism of my early-twenties has little to do with the feminism of my daughters at the same age. "Girl Power" is simply not enough of a rallying cry in a world fully designed to hold back that power, and the constant binaries that associate girls with one set of expectations and boys with another is far more entrenched in me than I ever realized. Thankfully, Finkelstein offers us concrete ways to retrain our minds and voices, which will help anyone raising children (of any gender) and also offer female-identifying parents a way out of their own unhealthy biases.

What struck me next about this book is the research and case studies Finkelstein uses throughout. In particular, I was taken by the chapters that cover the gendering of elementary school and the ways that Title IX has and has not changed sports for girls. There's a beautiful synthesis of history, sociology, and Finkelstein's clinical experiences that help bring together these big ideas.

I firmly believe this is a book for anyone who interacts regularly with children of all genders, not just for parents of girls. Educators, grandparents, child psychologists, coaches, pediatricians -- all will experience a-ha moments reading Sexism & Sensibility. When they do, and when they act on what they've learned, we'll be another step closer to a more just and equitable world.

[Clover · Rating 5 out of 5]

“We can’t protect our daughters from the things they’ll see and hear, but we can equip them with the power to swiftly decode it.”

[Rick · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book about how to teach our children about their bodies, sex, feelings, sharing and awareness of what feels good and is also safe for them. It also teaches adults a lot about kids growing up with the culture objectifying girls and women, and how to detect, discern and live in spite of the danger in which society puts girls and women.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a graduate of a women's college and the mother of 3 daughters and 1 son, I've given a lot of thought and energy to this topic as well as much hand-wringing, and I'm so glad Dr. Finkelstein has written this comprehensive book sharing her knowledge and experiences as a woman, parent and psychologist. I've been ensnarled in many of these situations myself and have wondered "what is the correct path? what is the best advice?" How to untangle these messages/actions that are both in our subconscious and in our consciousness? Dr. Finkelstein not only increases our awareness of the inequitable soup we're swimming in, she offers practical, hands-on suggestions and actionable steps to helps us raise the next generation of girls knowing that they are just as capable and powerful as anyone else. I highly recommend this guide to anyone who's parenting/teaching/guiding children and believes that being a girl does not have to be a burden or a barrier. Thank you, Dr. Finkelstein for your contribution to a more equitable world for all of us!

[Dara · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars. This was an interesting book but it took me awhile to get through. It is about teaching kids to detect sexism and gender bias and to understand boundaries and consent. ⁣⁣
I find it interesting to compare my own teenage years to how kids are growing up now. The book covers ages from childhood through young adulthood along with various topics like sports, social media, stereotypes, harassment, and more. ⁣

[Lauren Gumpert · Rating 5 out of 5]

An important read that I’ll turn to again and again!

This book was validating, healing, disheartening (at times) but overall encouraging. I feel like my husband and I have a roadmap for raising daughters in this crazy world. Everyone needs this resource!

[Jaclyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read. I had to borrow the e-book 5 times in order to finish it... a combination of life getting in the way and me taking the time to digest the material. The book delved into important topics I was both aware and unaware of.

[Gretchen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trying to navigate how to parent my child in a way so that she has a more empowering experience as a girl than I did. I’ll probably re-read in a few years. When you say “there’s no manual about how to approach this topic,” this is the manual.

[Angie Gazdziak · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this. Parts of it were dry, but it gave me some good ideas for the future, and reinforced some of what we've already been doing for several years.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Originally posted on my blog Nonstop Reader.

Sexism & Sensibility is a well written and layman accessible monograph on structural societal misogyny and sexism by Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein. Released 3rd Sept 2024 by Penguin Random House on their Rodale/Harmony imprint, it's 336 pages and is available in hardcover, audio, and ebook formats. It's worth noting that the ebook format has a handy interactive table of contents as well as interactive links and references throughout.

It was an uphill climb to succeed professionally, personally, and societally as a woman in the past, but also in the present western world. Girls are told from the cradle about society's expectations for *their own* wants and needs and to sublimate the things they *need* and the people they *are* to fulfill someone else's (often anyone else's) desires.

The author makes many cogent points about where we are now, what improvement could look like, and some concrete suggestions on how to help the next generations of girls/women achieve self fulfilled, strong, necessary lives.

The book is written in entirely accessible, non-rigid language, but is also meticulously annotated throughout, and the chapter notes are likely worth the price of admission with lots of peer-reviewed references for further reading.

If progress is to be made, we must work together to achieve it. Especially given the current political climate and backlash against progressive, egalitarian ideals, fairness, equitability, and women's rights in general, this is a vitally important subject which needs to be discussed at all levels.

Five stars. Highly recommended to families, professionals who work with children (school counselors, psychologists, medical professionals, etc), as well as being a solid support text for allied studies (gender studies, psychology, education, etc). The research and references are up to date and as modern as possible, given the schedule for book publishing.

Disclosure: I received an ARC at no cost from the author/publisher for review purposes.

[Molly B · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot say enough good things about this book!

If you’re a parent, especially of a daughter, I highly recommend this book. It’s heartbreaking, but increasingly relevant to our current climate.

The author looks at several crucial topics such as body image, sex and dating, media, and harassment, through a parental lens. There were some particular discussions in this book that simultaneously broke my heart and inspired determination to continually combat societal and personal biases for our daughters, current and future.

Some stand out excerpts:

“When unnatural thinness is revered, girls do unnatural things to be thin. An 8 year longitudinal study found 12% of girls experienced some form of eating disorder. Eating disorders are among the most deadly mental disorders, second only to opioid overdose.”

“Researchers have identified more than 1000 genes and variants that contribute to being fat, which might explain why being thin for many people isn’t sustainable. When we tell kids and adults to lose weight, we’re telling them to do something that isn’t necessarily natural for their bodies and setting them up for failure and hopelessness…when we hold girls personally responsible for their size and blame them for lack of willpower, we may harm them more than fat does. It’s just not true that anyone who is determined can lose weight and keep it off.”

“One 20 year long study looking at 114 countries discovered girls and women constitute only 24% of the people we read about, see or hear from on television, radio, and in newspapers. Erasure in the media is erasure of girls’ ideas of what they can become.”

“As early as 3rd grade, girls begin to ask for less than boys. In a study of 4-9 year olds, when children were given the opportunity to negotiate for their favorite stickers, the older girls asked for 2 fewer than the boys but only when negotiating with a male, reflecting the same gap in gender mediations we see in adults. What lessons are we imparting to girls subliminally, or directly, that lead them to believe they deserve less? Without even realizing it, girls begin to feel they aren’t entitled to the things boys grow up knowing they are entitled to - speaking up, respect, and money.”

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The single most helpful thing we can do as parents is to examine our own biases so we aren't parenting from a place of fear."

There are many quotes I could have pulled from the text that are meaningful to me, but I used the above because it's exactly why I was glad to read Dr Finkelstein's book. It's what I was doing: examining my own biases.

Or, perhaps to be more clear, examining how I've viewed the world in the past as a man. The world is changing. I am changing and well, I have a daughter and wife, both of whom have been the recipient of certain patriarchal leanings from me.

At one point, my marriage was on the brink of divorce. There were many reasons, but one of them was that my wife was significantly out-earning me. Neither of us were sure what to do with that. We figured out new roles for ourselves in the marriage, and new ways of understanding how marriage is working out for us that are different than what we thought would be the case.

Dr. Finklestein's work here isn't about marriage, per se, but gender roles played into who we thought we were supposed to be. When things hit the fan, we had to reconsider the "rules" we thought we knew. We were able to navigate that well. I was hoping that by reading Dr. Finklestein's book, I'd gain insight into just what we did to be better able to utilize a feminists worldview to heal our relationship.

I've also been able to recognize some areas for improvement in how I communicate with my daughter, and how we raise her with the support she needs to be the kind of person she wants to be. The book came in the nic of time for us, as my teenage daughter is getting ready to graduate high school and tackle college and long term relationships. The notes I've made in this book are many, and the insights I've begun to apply with my daughter are already beginning to show improvements in our relationship and her understanding of her place in the world.

I recommend this book for fathers to read. You'll be glad you did.

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexism and Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World by Jo-Ann Finkelstein PhD is a phenomenal read and not only if you're raising daughters. I'm not raising daughters, but I am parenting children and still, re-parenting myself and there was so much in there to love, feel validated by and think about.

The book combines research, Finkelstein's own experiences and stories from her psychology practice. More than once it reminded me of another book I loved, Lori Gottlieb's book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

This paragraph, in the introduction, says it all so succinctly and powerfully:

"The confusion wrought by mixed messaging that tells girls they're equal while routinely objectifying and degrading them doesn't disappear with adulthood. These psychological paper cuts accumulate, becoming festering wounds of self-doubt. In my psychology practice, I see many seemingly high-functioning adult women struggling with the same problems as their teenage daughters. They put their creative energy into their appearance rather than into a sense of purpose; they avoid leadership roles due to shaky confidence; they view themselves from outside, nitpicking their bodies, skin, faces and appetites in ways I rarely hear from boys and men. The competition and envy between women, born of a culture toxic for women, destabilize their relationships. Trauma doesn't have to be an event; it can be the invisible residue of growing up in a world that believes you're weak, inferior, irrational, overly emotional, and incapable of leadership and of making important decisions. more than seventy years after Simone de Beauvoir coined the term, our daughters are still the 'second sex.'"


Highly recommend this book to anyone who craves support in navigating the patriarchal world we all live in.

[Nina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Finkelstein concludes the introduction to Sexism and Sensibility with this promise: “By the end of these pages you’ll have a clearer path forward for helping your daughter manage the dissonance between who the world says she is and who you know her to be: powerful, astute, and full of potential.” This line illustrates one of the great strengths of this book, and, to be clear, there are many, many strengths. Dr. Finkelstein has an almost encyclopedic knowledge of sexism, past and present, and its far-reaching implications for girls and their futures, yet, she maintains a hopefulness about all of our daughters. Maybe because she is very much in this with us. She is a gentle guide and teacher, never preaching, such that reading Sex and Sensibility feels like talking with your wisest friend, or perhaps, the wise friend we all wish we had. She is the friend who has the facts and research to back up her theories and the clinical anecdotes to provide powerful, resonant examples. The friend who doesn’t need to perform her intelligence and skills as a mother, but rather shares openly her mistakes and challenges, and even her own biases, making space for you, and all of us, to learn and grow into the very best parents we can be, because, after all, we are raising “powerful, astute girls who are full of potential.” Dr. Finkelstein sees the potential in all of us. What could be better?

[Ali · Rating 5 out of 5]

ARC read. An essential book for parents who want to help their children recognize and navigate sexism written with empathy and verve. Thank to Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein for laying out how kids face sexism early, often, and in so many aspects of their daily lives with continued reference to research. So many times what I read about gender and discrimination does not match up with what we’re experiencing day in and day out at school, activities, the neighborhood, and even within families. The book is full of understanding not only for the kids but also parents who can feel lost. This line really stuck with me: “The single most helpful thing we can do as parents is to examine our own biases so we aren’t parenting from a place of fear.” There is a great emphasis on the fact that there isn’t a single talk like many of us grew up with. To be there for our kids means being open to a series of varied conversations and a willingness to listen, even when we will get it wrong sometimes. Each chapter ends with practical advice and provides nuance on how the conversation can change between parenting a tween and an older teen. Through a combination of scientific literature, clinical experience, and personal reflection, Dr. Finkelstein create a fast-paced and empowering narrative to turn a subject that many of us find both terrifying and infuriating into something that we have the power to support our children through.

[Kate Rope · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finkelstein has written an easily digestible, entertaining dive into the culture of sexism in which we are all raising kids. Her voice is enjoyable and the excellent writing makes it easy to go with her on a journey beneath the obvious and glaring sexism evident in society to illuminate the more subtle ways we all participate in narratives that disadvantage and oppress females. One of the book’s greatest strengths is that it shares ways to speak to boys as much as girls and speaks to our collective responsibility to question and be thoughtful about the messages we send. She also balances important messages about larger issues around equality and equity with the understanding of the very real emotional needs of any human, showing a nuanced view of how we support our girls and boys to challenge unnecessary norms and visions while remaining true to who we—and they—are as people. One example of this is her thoughtful dissection of the modern parenting dilemma - to allow crop tops or to not allow crop tops. With empathy for all, she balances the feelings and instincts of moms who bring the trauma of catcalling or worse to these conversations with the normative desire for independence in girls all the while excavating the underlying bias, commercialism, and cultural narrative that makes these moments so tricky. It's a great and important read.

[Stacey Hettes · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a gift Jo-Ann has given us. When we work with a therapist, the wisdom and insights we gain are dolled out in single servings. Jo-Ann’s book is a beautifully curated twelve-course meal. She tackles the issues that parents of girls face despite our desire to think our girls are not facing the same misogyny, bullying, and sexism we dealt with ourselves. Without being explicit, she also charges the parents of boys with the mandate to raise the next generation of sons as partners in working for a better future.

Though I do not have children of my own, I use the word our above because the world we create for parents to raise children in is the responsibility of all of us. There have been moments when, as a professor, I revisited a chapter when I noticed my unconscious but complicit behaviors that revealed my own internalized societal bias.

Jo-Ann has something to teach all of us. She does so with grace, easily accessible and relatable prose, and without blame or judgment. Dr. Maya Angelou said, “People will never forget how you make them feel.” I will remember that Jo-Ann made me feel responsible for but also capable of creating a better world for our daughters.

[Melissa Book (e)ND · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone (I thought long and hard about qualifying this. "...any parent," "..,anyone interacting with a child," "...anyone interacting with anyone of the female persuasion," but decided that the world would be a better place if everyone was considering these topics. Dr. Finkelstein provides clear, approachable discourse on the state of sexism in the United States. She also provides practical advice, including client examples from her own practice to illustrate how parents can discuss these topics with children of all genders to help them navigate their own experiences of sexism and the mixed signals that society sends us about how gender "should" present.

I felt incredibly seen reading this book, there were many times that Dr. Finkelstein's case examples rang true with my own experience of gender. I highlighted many passages for future parenting discussions with my daughter.

Thank you to Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein and Rodale Inc. for the ARC in exchange for a honest review of Sexism and Sensibility.

[Catherine Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexism and Sensibility is a must read for anyone who cares about the next generation of girls. I consider Dr. Finkelstein to be a kindred spirit when it comes to rooting out and challenging the implicit bias that impacts the worldview of both adults and children as to who kids can be, depending on their anatomy.

This book combines stories of Dr. Finkelstein's clinical experience as a psychologist with critical statistics AND her lived experience of navigating toxic messages about beauty, appearance, gender roles, and femininity. We tell girls, "you can be anything!" but rarely prepare them for institutionalized misogyny that they meet at every corner, including objectification, pressure to perform femininity, and a higher load of housework and child care. I highly recommend Sexism and Sensibility if you want to help your daughters and granddaughters understand misogyny, spot sexism, and boost their self-esteem.

Way to go, Jo-Ann!

Thank you so much to Harmony Books for providing me a complimentary copy of the book.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley and the publisher for an advance readers copy of SEXISM & SENSIBILITY.

Captivating, raw, real. So important for today’s children. Parents never want to scare their children with certain harsh realities of the world like violence, sexism, rape, assault. But the truth is, the only way to change how the world views these issues is by talking about them. Preparing children with the right tools to protect themselves, and the way in which we should all treat and think about one another. It begins with us, in the home. Finkelstein does a wonderful job of using real examples in her profession to steer parents in the right direction for how to approach these topics and help our society view these issues in order to talk about them with our children. A must read for any parent whether you have a son or daughter, especially in our current climate.

[Naomi Fanaberia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read ….not only for women and girls! Dr. Finkelstein clearly, quietly, and eloquently, addresses the issues to help us empower our girls & women, and to deal with ongoing parenting challenges. Dr. Finkelstein succeeds far & beyond. She offers us an insight into couples interactions and their impact on each other, further affecting their children of both sexes. Yes, the emphasis is on examples of how to raise confident girls, but boys are not forgotten! Jo-Ann is not afraid to show us her mistakes and vulnerabilities, leaving room for our thoughts and questioning. She shows us that there is potential in all our kids. I highly recommend this book for all sectors of the population. My only regret is that this book didn’t exist while I was raising my children!

[Charlotte Markey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is smart, sensible, and also eye-opening. This is a topic area that I know a good deal about, but I still was enthralled reading this book and just kept reading. The pace of the book feels fast without being inaccessible. I strongly believe that there is a lot adults can do to raise girls who are empowered and resilient and that it is our responsibility to do so. I was happy to read this book and get some pointers in terms of talking with my own daughter. Dr. Finkelstein knows what she's talking about and I found myself smiling as I read along thinking about the information that is available to us now (and our daughters!) versus just one generation ago!

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a brilliant and timely book which I enjoyed immensely, and at times was even moved to tears reading it. As a father of a teenage girl I was impressed by Dr. finkelstein‘s ability to point out pitfalls and obstacles facing girls as they develop into womanhood. Some of these are right under our noses, but were out of my awareness until I read this book. She cleverly elucidated rapidly evolving customs, norms and expectations by drawing on her clinical experience and astute observations of the culture . I highly recommend this book to anyone who cares about girls, women, sisters and daughters.

[Karen Hood · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s time to face the truth about how girls are treated in this world and Dr. Finkelstein walks us through it with her book Sexism and Sensibility. Her insight is invaluable on how sexism is so pervasive in our society and it’s in our everyday habits without us even realizing it. I appreciate how she steers us through how we can support our daughters without it being overwhelming or judgy. You see Finkelstein as a mom too, who deals with these issues in her own life. With this book, I feel I am walking beside her with my daughter and we can get through this together, better armed with the knowledge she brings to the table. I am grateful to have this as a tool in raising my daughter.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Finkelstein seems to have been writing this book all of her life. Her compelling observations and questions about the experiences of girls and women start in early childhood and span her years as a therapist and mother. She draws movingly on her work as a psychologist to illustrate how we get stuck, sometimes painfully so, in rigid and distorted ideas about gender and gender roles, and she reflects on her own childrearing, in the context of her marriage and a community of parents, to make accessible the complex tasks of raising confident and well-balanced children and to offer guidance for everyone invested in a not-sexist world.

[Sarah Leibov · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexism & Sensibility is about the pervasive and often overlooked cultural messages that hurt girls’ confidence and self esteem. Dr. Finkelstein offers real life examples and practical advice for parents learning how to help children navigate and reframe gender bias. I’ve recommended this book to so many people, including those reparenting themselves to cope with the trauma they’ve suffered from sexism, as well as parents trying to raise sons to be sensitive to inequality. Dr. Finkelstein’s wisdom, intelligence and experience are evident on every page of this extensively researched book. I only wish it had been available decades ago.

[Elizabeth Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an incredibly important, beautiful, and devastating read! Even though I thought I already understood the dangers of sexism, after reading this I feel newly awakened from a numb slumber where I had become desensitized to the harms. But now I am awake again and it's hard to confront all of this, honestly. I was stunned by the research, the frank look at sexting .. But I feel newly able to confront the realities (not easy, my daughter does not want to hear it!) because there are real practical tips on how to parent our girls through these dangerous waters and I am soaking them up!

[Monica Bisgaard · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a longtime educator and advocate for young people, I am thrilled to endorse this guide for practitioners and educators. Dr. Finkelstein’s work with girls and women informs this incredibly necessary guide in a world that challenges their mental, physical and developmental growth and it does not shy away from real world concerns. You will find this book a necessary tool to help create healthy development and self advocacy in girls and young women.

[Charlotte Kaufman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this to help guide my parenting as a mother of teen and tween girls. When my oldest saw it, she asked if she could read it before I had a chance. A few days later she told me she was reading it every night before bed and was finding it so hard to not be angry at what she was learning. She said it was also empowering to learn how to deal with sexism because she hadn't realized it happened so much. So grateful for this book already!