Fifty Years in Polygamy: Big Secrets and Little White Lies

by Kristyn Decker

Fifty Years in Polygamy is the personal history of Kristyn Decker, the daughter of a polygamist prophet. Within, she reveals a rare, uncensored, firsthand account of the inner workings of a Utah-based polygamist sect whose members today include high-profile reality television stars. Her gripping narrative describes the rampant anguish and abuse behind the happy faces that polygamist women present in public. Fifty Years in Polygamy is Kristyn’s inspiring journey, in which she challenges the common misconception that polygamy is simply a harmless lifestyle choice. For many, it is like modern-day slavery, she says.

Genres: Nonfiction, Religion, Memoir, Polygamy, Biography, Cults, Cult Classics

468 pages, Paperback

First published April 19, 2012

About the author

With five kids still at home, Kristyn Decker began taking college courses and working as an assistant teacher in the Head Start program. After earning an associate's degree, she was a lead teacher for four years. Then Kristyn taught child development classes for Children First and volunteered with several projects relating to quality Child Care. In 2002, she received a bachelor's degree in elementary education and early childhood development from Southern Utah University. She ended her nearly thirty-three-year marriage in 2002.

Seven years later, Kristyn married LeRoy Decker. She founded the Sound Choices Coalition in June 2012 after publishing her first book, Fifty Years in Polygamy: Big Secrets and Little White Lies.

Kristyn spends most of her days volunteering with the Sound Choices Coalition and other organizations, in her quest to end human-rights violations due to polygamy and other forms of patriarchal abuse.

Since the publication of her first book, Kristyn has been a guest on many television and radio shows and stations across the country, including but not limited to The Today Show; CNN Weekend News; Good Morning, Arizona; NPR Community Voices; Jay Lawrence; The Fawn Rigan Show (WCCO Minneapolis); KTAR Talk Radio; and KSL AM News.

Kristyn also enjoys speaking at book clubs, churches, and libraries.To learn more about Kristyn and her books, please visit www.kristyndecker.com. She loves to hear from her readers and may be contacted at kristyndeckerbooks@gmail.com. For information about the Sound Choices Coalition, visit www.facebook.com/SoundChoicesCoalition, or email Kristyn at soundchoicescoalition@gmail.com. Listen to her radio show, Polygamy Uncensored, each Wednesday at 10:00 AM Mountain Standard Time at www.blogtalkradio.com. Archived shows are available at www.kristyn.srbroadcasting.com.

Reviews

[Spider the Doof Warrior · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was somewhat frustrating. She just kept going back to this same terrible guy. He was such an asshole. She was with a nice guy who had horses but went back to that cranky jerk and his weird friendship and her sister wife. I do not understand FLDS polygamy. It doesn't seem fun at all. You get tons of kids, a lot of stress and there's not even any three ways. What's the point if there's no three ways or fun? Joseph Smith was a fraud who tricked people into leading this miserable lifestyle and the fact that it still goes on in this day and age is deeply depressing.

[Eden Silverfox · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sophia (Kristyn) was born into Apostolic United Brethren, a group of Fundamentalist Mormons that practice polygamy. Raised from young to believe that polygamy was Sophia's and her future husband's way into Heaven. She married at 17 and despite not wanting to share her husband, Sophia encouraged him to marry a second wife since she was taught this was just how things are.

Through much abuse and many years in a horrible marriage, at age 50 Sophia, now Kristyn, leaves her husband and life of polygamy behind for a better life.

I never knew much about FLDS until recently. I knew there were Mormons that still practiced polygamy, but I never knew what their beliefs were, how secretive they are, all the abuse that goes on and just how horrible things are for the women and children.

I've only read one other book so far about a woman that left polygamy and that is Escape by Carolyn Jessop. That book got me interested in reading about others who left polygamy and that's how I came across Kristyn Decker's book.

I think the writing is a bit disjoint and jumps around somewhat. However, once I started reading I couldn't put it down. Some stuff was difficult to read, like the abuse that went on. In the first chapter of the book I was already horrified; I couldn't believe what the doctor had done to her. And then the next few chapter detailed what her stepbrother had done to her. It was horrible.

I think what bothered me the most was how Kristyn kept going back to her husband despite knowing deep down nothing would change. But I did keep reminding myself that from the time she was a child she was brainwashed into believing that is just how marriage is. No matter what your husband does, how many wives he marries, just keep sweet and be the perfect wife. And when you're taught that your whole life, it is hard to unlearn it in a short period of time.

I am just glad she finally did leave and seems to be happy with a guy that loves and cares about her. Kristyn's is an interesting story and one that needed to be shared.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I know the author of this book personally, and while it was incredibly hard to read, I'm grateful to have a greater understanding of her life and experiences. yes, the writing is uneven and a bit *too* personal at times to make a flowing narrative; however, this is *real* person's memoir that has something to say to all of us about inner strength and being able to rise above immense challenges. For those unfamiliar with polygamous sects, Kristyn's story will help you to understand the evil that has been perpetuated in people's lives.

[Corinne Halberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am obsessed with books on polygamy. Therefore I claim to have some level of knowledge on the quality of them comparatively. This one ranks low. It starts off pretty great with a cry for help then slows down to a dull whiney whisper. If she had ended around chapter 25 the book would be lovely, she actually compromises her own book by writing 14 more chapters.

[Ericka Clou · Rating 4 out of 5]

She does a good job of proving her thesis that religious polygamy is a good place to hide and breed abuse. Though I think the central problem is high control religions and organizations more generally.

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not going to lie. I've had a hard time coming up with this review. It's so hard to review something so personal. The author of this book clearly isn't an author by day, but her realness is what makes this book so raw. She is able to deliver her story in only a way that she can.

There were times that I was in tears during this book. I cannot imagine the things that the author had to live survive through. The TV shows (I won't mention names, but I'm sure you've heard of them) never talk about this side of their lifestyle and faith. And why would they whenever the story they're telling now is what's selling? It's refreshing to see a glimpse into the other side of this debated issue. I think we as a society still have a lot to learn. Fifty Years in Polygamy helped me learn. And for that, I want to thank Kristyn Decker. What she did by confronting her past and telling her story was brave.

Don't take it as bad that I didn't give this book five stars hearts. It was a hard book for me to read, and I wanted to reflect that in my rating and review. It's so difficult to read about someone's abuse and pain in fiction. Whenever you read about it in a memoir, it becomes so much worse. If you're a fan of memoirs about a troubled past, then this one will be a good read for you.

**I received this book for free in exchange for an honest review. My thanks to the author and NetGalley.

[Leanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have met Krysten personally, as well as listened to her speak, and I was impressed with her dignity and graciousness. Consequently the rawness of her narrative took me by surprise. Without hesitation, I would rate the book five stars on the basis of the author's courage in telling her story. However, the book as it presently stands is often confusing and rambling. It needs a lot of editing, especially in the last third of the book which feels more like a journal rant. I would have preferred to have fewer details about Krysten's conversations with various people, and more insights from her on how her experiences represent the larger polygamous culture.

That said, the book does reveal a lot about how a woman in a polygamous situation thinks--what her thoughts actually sound and feel like--while going through a daily insanity that is foreign to most people. "Uncensored" is on the cover for good reason. The abuse Krysten experienced as a young girl, as well as her experiences as an adult, are given in clear, way-beyond-cringing detail. I hope future editions will benefit from editing, so that Krysten's story, as well as her wise heart, can reach a larger audience.

[Cabo · Rating 1 out of 5]

The contents of this book had the potential to keep me interested from cover to cover, I'd normally read a book within a day easily. This took me three days and I could NOT finish it, it was getting like pulling teeth trying to read it.

The story is a sad one, but I found a lot of it hard to believe. They always say there are three sides to every story, their side, the other side and the truth. It was a depressing read, more so the fact that she kept putting on a little miss sunshine face while her children were abused, she was abused, everyone around her was abused and she abused herself.

The writing felt disjointed, there were too many details in it so it felt like I was reading someones journal when it come have been summed up a lot faster without every tiny trial and tribulation. Yes, you were a jealous 2nd wife. Yes, your husband was an ass. I really don't want to keep going over the same thing over and over.

The author is brave for speaking out and telling her side of the story, I just found it a story that was very hard to believe or read.

[Alex · Rating 1 out of 5]

I originally wanted to read this after Kristyn appeared on an episode of Sister Wives and revealed she was Christine's aunt. She seemed really feisty, and I was very interested in her story on leaving polygamy. Unfortunately, this book was pretty awful.

I feel bad rating this so low, but this book was absolutely painful to read. Almost all of the polygamy memoirs I've read have had bad writing, but I think this one takes the cake.

Atrocious writing aside, this book was all over the place. I found myself confused several times, especially after reading several paragraphs of some random story and then turning the page to find her giving birth when we didn't even know she was pregnant. There were also a lot of weird out-of-body experiences, and stories that went nowhere. At one point she mentions grandchildren, and I was so confused on which of her kids had kids, and why it wasn't mentioned before.

She changes her name from Sophie (also spelled as Sophia several times) to Kristyn towards the end, but half of the time people still call her Sophie. Once, someone called her Sophie but then called her Kristyn in the SAME SENTENCE. It could just be bad writing/editing, but it irked me. Also, the whole thing with Michelle was just weird, and I don't know why she felt the need to include it.

This was probably cathartic for her to write, but I just don't think it should have ever been published. There are way, way better polygamy memoirs out there - skip this one.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kristyn's story is amazing. I've read other polygamy memoirs, and I like that this one is a little different - her husband only marries one other wife, and they live pretty modern lives aside from the polygamy thing. Most other memoirs like this take place in communities that completely shun the outside world, whereas Kristyn and her family learn to function among "outsiders" on a regular basis. The reason I'm giving the book three stars is because of the editing, not the story itself. The chapters felt disorganized, and the titles didn't always relate to the subject matter. Late in the book, she reflects on a long weekend trip she took with someone - but as the reader, we never heard about that trip. That was the most glaring example, but there were lots of times when I thought, "Wait, what is she talking about? Who is she referring to?" And there were tons of formatting errors. Entire sentences were broken up in some places. This book, in the edition I read, felt more like a solid first draft than a published piece.

Also: If you are uncomfortable reading about child abuse and molestation, skip this one.

[Sunshine · Rating 2 out of 5]

A 2.5 star book. The atrocities of polygamy, abuse, and neglect Kristyn Decker suffer are almost unbearable to read at times. I believe all those escaping this type of oppression deserve to tell their story and give a voice to others who may not otherwise have one. Unfortunately, I sorrow at the idea that some of the feelings of inadequacy she battles are not limited to those practicing polygamous relationships, in that sense, she is giving a voice to woman everywhere and in every culture. At times this book felt almost too personal and the writing style felt somewhat disjointed. Decker's intellect is apparent in the pages of this book, and my heart hopes for her and her families continued healing.

[Ally Cahill · Rating 4 out of 5]

With it being the uncensored version, it gets difficult to read in some places. The fact that she went through so much and came out on top is extremely inspiring. Kristyn Decker is an amazing woman who was so brave to share her story with the world and to not be bullied and scared into submission. She is an inspiration to women, men and children everywhere to follow our hearts and do what we know we need to do. Don't be afraid to be who you want to be, even if it isn't what is expected of you.

[Ali Wolpern · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are into polygamy history and stories, then this book is for you! The author has a truly unique life that she tells you about.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book, because Krystin is the aunt of Christine Brown of "Sister Wives", the reality show on TLC.
I just finished reading this book, and am in a bit of a quandry. I have read many former mormon tell alls, and several polygamy books as well. As I definately have a interest in reading about mormon/polygamous women, this book at times was frustrating. I am in full support of Krystin leaving polygamy, and moving forward with her life beyond polygamy, yet, parts of her book were frustrating when it came to her continuous rebounding abuse she had with her husband. It was almost like she felt she had no choice in life but to endure her creepy husbands beliefs and verbal abuse, not to mention her choice of friends that were also abusive. Where were her biological sisters in her life? What about her polygamous friends from childhood? I understand that I did not grow up in this culture, so my comments may be a bit too judgemental, but my frustration with her repeated returns to her husband, makes me think she might be mentally ill?
Her explortation of her sexuality with another women seemed real enough to me, yet, she seemed to "involved" in the so called "friendship" of the other women. I applaud her for getting her therapist involved to terminate that abusive relationship as well.
I enjoyed learning about her long line of polygamous family members, and the way the culture itself works on a day to day basis. My only red flag in this book was the way she abandoned her children, just like her mother did to her. I feel if she really loved her children like she says she does, she would not have left them with their abusive father, so she could run off and "find" herself. I support women who are being abused to leave the home and better themselves with education and work, but I feel that she could have done that in a different way, by including all of her children. It may have taken longer, but her children would have been safe. Is she really there for her 7 children like she says she is now? I am not sure, she seems to really like being with man # 4, without having the responsibility of having children or grandchildren around on a continuous basis.
I applaud her for revealing her intermost feelings and stories about her polygamous life, but I am not convinced that she had her childrens well being at heart when it came to furthering herself. Krystin seemed a bit selfish to me when it came to her continuous fighting with her husband, over and over and over! Why keep fighting, when you know you are affecting your childrens lives, and damaging their self esteem and livlyhood. I would be interested in hearing what her children have to say about this book. Krystin says that now everyone of her children get along great with their father.......really, I have my doubts.

[Mandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kristyn Decker was born into the second largest polygamist sect in America, the Apostolic United Brethren, the AUB. This powerful memoir is her account of what it’s really like to be inside such a sect, what it’s really like to be part of a polygamist marriage, and with complete candour she shares with the reader the details of the abuse she suffered. She exposes the misery and pain that is usually hidden behind a façade of unity and contentment. We have perhaps become used to a rosy picture of polygamy with such television programmes as Sister Wives, but Decker claims that these portrayals give a totally false impression and give no clue as to what goes on behind closed doors. Her account of her own life is a chilling one, and she has shown enormous courage in writing this book, one which she hopes will inspire other suffering women to speak out.
It’s a very personal memoir, a real cry from the heart, and it seems churlish to criticise it. I certainly feel uncomfortable doing so. However, this could have been a much better book and possibly had even more impact if it had been more effectively edited. There’s just too much detail, and it bogs the reader down. The writing is uneven and often repetitious, and overall it’s a disjointed and disorganised account. I accept that it’s not a literary work, and shouldn’t be judged by the same standards, and my heart goes out to the author who has been through so much. But I felt alienated by the end of the book because of its rambling nature, and not as moved as I should have been. However, it’s an important story and we must be grateful to Ms Decker that she was brave enough to tell it.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

A very different take on the polygamy memoir, this one from a woman (Christine from Sister Wives' aunt, no less) in her fifties, who, though she's sympathetic, also seems completely nuts. This woman has been through so much trauma and so much (necessary) therapy, that her book is downright uncomfortable to read, and some of the things she writes about, her "soul voice" and various different versions of God, and her injured and broken inner child..... It was just difficult to take her seriously. Her story is intriguing, and not entirely typical, of that of a polygamist wife, as her husband is an "independent" polygamist, like Kody Brown, even though she was born an Allred, one of the most famous polygamy families in the country, but her weirdness makes it hard to take her seriously. She seems sincere, but also uncomfortably strange (or if I'm feeling less kind, a bit batshit crazy, though who wouldn't be after her life?). The book was also very, very long, and I think could have used a good editor (perhaps to remove some of the more new-agey crazy from the chapters). I wanted to give it three stars, but I can't really say I enjoyed this book or liked it. Reading it was the watching of the cliched trainwreck. It was uncomfortable, and I felt like a captive audience, although I could have just closed the book, I couldn't look away. I was glad to finish it. The best thing I can say about it is that this woman and all her neuroses are point blank how damaging polygamy is, even when its followers "seem normal", chances are, they're just not. Two stars.

[Beck Wierenga · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was, overall, an interesting story but it definitely dragged on way too long. There were parts that were non-consecutive, which made it really confusing. Like non-consecutive in a way that would make me back up and reread the last few paragraphs to see if I missed something, not non-consecutive in a way that made for creative story telling.

I struggled to finish this book. It took me much longer than I would normally expect. I definitely did not find it to be a page turner. And I totally skimmed the last five or six chapters because it was getting so repetitive and just not moving along.

The author definitely had horrible experiences in her life, but I think one goes into a book on a subject like this with some expectation of that. What I found to be really horrifying was her relationship with her children and how she at best, seemingly neglected them and at worst, turned a blind eye to the abuse they were suffering and literally abandoned them.

[Heather Neill · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started reading this book because I saw Kristyn Decker on Sister Wives and wanted to hear her side of the story. I appreciate that she told it, because I think a lot of women and children are still caught in the abusive trap of polygamy and shows like Sister Wives make it seem as though it is simply a choice that consenting adults can make or not make. Instead the truth is far more insidious than that, as Kristyn makes plain. However I had a very difficult time with her narrative. Besides the fact that it was poorly written, and needed a lot more editing, I had a hard time believing that everyone around her was such a monster and that she was always the loving, compassionate victim. I think most of the last quarter of the book could have been summed up with "my husband was an ass" and that would have been sufficient.

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was horrified by the abuses this woman suffered throughout her life. I am happy that she was able to to leave Polygamy and make positive changes in her life.

The writing was so poor that I had to force myself to finish the book. It's a little heavy on how martyr syndrome Sophie (who eventually changed her name to Kristyn) was so good all the time and how everyone else was so horrible to her. I also found it interesting that she would do what was done to her (to her detriment) and leave her children with her abusive husband while she took off to find herself and go to school.

In short, this read like an adolescent trying to make you take her side and settle old scores.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

First - Kristyn Decker is AMAZING for being brave enough to write down all of the struggles she overcame in her life.

I still fail to understand how polgamy goes on in this day and age. But to me this was more than a story about polygamy. It was also a story of a woman who struggled with self image and overcame her self doubt to find fulfillment in her life. I found her inspirational on a human level. After reading this book, I was inspired to make a few changes in my own life. Thank you!

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

An enthralling story of the struggle of one woman trying to live in contemporary society as a polygamous wife. As a member of the AUB, Krysten gave her all for over 30 years to make things work. Finally, she came to the truth, as she realized the system was at fault, not her. How she survived is amazing.

[Sherry Haning · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read the Uncensored version which is not on GoodReads. I highly recommend it over the first book. This gave me a lot more insight to polygamy and why people hold on to it so fiercely even though they are so unhappy in the cult.

[margy moran · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book The way it was written I felt I was there with you thankyou for your honesty I felt ur pain and your joys your heartbreak an anger and finally your peace ... Bless you xxxx

[Monica Bonner · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's Their Choice to Stay

That's what I've heard so many say about the women in polygamist groups...I've even caught myself thinking, well they do stay... thankfully, there are brave women like Kristyn Decker, willing to tell their stories.

[Megha Kalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good things first:
I like the book because it gave me some insights about polygamist lifestyle. It's definitely not what I thought it is. It's like any other belief system stuck between modernity and orthodox beliefs. I was impressed how she managed to get an education degree and go on dates. She was basically allowed, by her society, freedom if it's within the rules of the sect, which by the way are totally male-centric.
I was also amazed how the men and women were openly dating other's wives and husbands, even after becoming grandparents.

The description of her childhood was heart-wrenching, I was so disgusted by perversion of priests and uncles towards kids that I couldn't pick up the book again for some days.

Things I don't like:
The book is poorly written. After a first few chapters she seems like dragging stories, with lots of unnecessary emotional details and repetitions. I understand that she might be going through the emotional trauma repeatedly but after a while it was just like any other relationship story, where people go through hundreds of breakups before the final one. For the same reason the last few chapters were pretty predictable and difficult to read. She definitely has a story to tell. I feel she could have written about hundreds of other things like her emotions for her kids or her other romantic dates or her siblings for example; basically I would love to know more about other people in her life than her idle and ornery husband.

But regardless of her writing style and arrangement of the book (After all it was her first book), I highly appreciate her will to leave an entire belief system which caused her so much pain. I highly appreciate her will to fight and take action to get out of her obsessive and compulsive eating, and thus fighting obesity and depression, completing her graduation at the age of 50 with GPA 4 and making it to presidents list. It's remarkable how she stood strong through not one but two failed marriages and still finding that one right person for her. And in the end deciding to write a book about it all. ;)

[Leigh Podgorski · Rating 2 out of 5]

Important Topic Not Well Told

I've now read several books on polygamy and cults where the male is elevated and the female subjugated. These are important topics. The works are of various levels. Unfortunately, despite the importance of the material, Kristin Decker's Fifty Years in Polygamy fails to rise to a very high level as a book. Though Ms. Decker fills her memoir with much detail, the detail remains on a personal level. Perhaps because she truly didn't know, except by a mysterious sixth sense and feelings from her soul, which I found rather fascinating and would have liked to hear more about, details of the actual workings of her sect are light. Another memoir I read was from the Jeffers clan, and the woman who wrote that have a concise history about Joseph Smith and the FDLS in-fighting. Decker brushed past these monumental makings of the religion that shaped her psyche.
The book also suffers from repitition - both in like incidents and in phrase and word usage such as crying so long her eyes were swollen shut.
The one critique that appears maddening is regarding the brute she can't quit, her husband Mark. Given her upbringing in a polygamy cult, her brainwashing and sexual abuse, struggling with this decision is understandable. Equating this miserable, violent abusive man, who also abused her children with love is something else entirely. This makes this memoir nearly impossible to read and her behavior inexcusable.
What is love to this woman? Clearly abuse. She claims over and over to love Diane, her sister-wife, Mark's second wife. What she never does is give us a single reason what there is to love about Diane. The same is true of Mark.
I applaud Decker's escape and the work she is doing now.
I just cannot applaud a book that shows this woman running back into the fire so many times, and worse, allowing her children to be burned by those out of control flames.
Beat me, maybe. You touch my kids, you're history.

[Deepika Anand · Rating 2 out of 5]

First of all if you are already going through a tough phase in your life please don't read this book otherwise you might get suicidal. Literally there is no tragedy that hasn't to the author of this book. I sympathise with her but basically there is just one point in this entire book that how her husband was a horrible person. Then there is too much justification on the lines "I don't want bad for him. I love him. I wish for all the happiness in his life" even for the person who is being so mean. Also, I felt the issues highlighted in this book are not cz they were living a polygamous lifestyle but were cz they didn't have enough money and the characters were equally irresponsible. Such issues/concerns/fights can even happen in a monogamous household where people are lazy and poor. Somewhere in the middle of the book you might feel like tearing the book apart cz so much sorrow has been highlighted with no breaks. In any case please don't purchase this book. Loan it from the library if you really want to read it.

[Ruthie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was fortunate to have met the author at an anti-human rights summit and she was so kind. I read the book after meeting her and was so impressed with her convictions and disposition after learning what she's been through.
This was a very honest story of the author's life and struggles in AUB polygamy. It was absolutely eye-opening and saddening to see all the abuse she and others faced as members of the AUB, how through living the gospel (which is almost the same as the LDS gospel, just living all the principles that the LDS church has moved on from) women were secondary-citizens and expected to share their husbands, etc. It is awe-inspiring how Decker made it through and stayed a considerate, wonderful person throughout the whole ordeal and how she has made it her life's work to help others get out of polygamy or simply just to help them.

[Ray · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the topic interesting and the perspective engaging. However, there was a point in the book where it felt like a record that was skipping. It was repetative and it needed a shove. I was growing frustrated that the author hadn't broken away from the cycle. If the writing was cyclical in that part of the book for effect, it was well done. I was frustrated with her for her returning to the pattern that was well established with her situation. I learned a lot and to be exposed to this from a kid's perspective through adulthood was very courageous and informative. I think in that regard, i would say it was time well read.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great

An interesting look into the world of polygamy, I found the book really enjoyable and interesting but could not understand why Sophia kept on going back to the same relationship over and over again.

Reading about her trying again and the problems with Diane made me want to scream with frustration and disappointment that she kept on forgiving the two people that claimed to love her.

Glad to see she is now in a happier place and making a life of her own.