Single, Shy, and Looking for Love: A Dating Guide for the Shy and Socially Anxious

by Shannon Kolakowski

What if he thinks I’m not good looking enough? What if she thinks I’m boring? What if I can’t think of anything to talk about? When it comes to dating, most people have had these thoughts and fears at some point. The truth is that going on a date can be downright nerve-wracking―and if you suffer from shyness or social anxiety, it is especially so. So how can you stay calm, cool, and collected as you set out on the search for the perfect mate?  Single, Shy, and Looking for Love presents mindfulness, acceptance, and values-based techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help shy singles like you get “in the game,” cope with the anxiety and fear that can arise on a date, and go on to create long-lasting, intimate relationships. By learning to stay focused in the present moment, you’ll arm yourself against the catastrophic thoughts that cause you to buckle under pressure. And by connecting with your own core values, you’ll gain a greater understanding of yourself and what you ultimately want in a romantic partner. Confidence is often considered one of the most attractive qualities a man or woman can have, and social confidence will take you far―not only in love, but in life as well. If you’re ready to stop being a wallflower and start putting yourself out there, this book will give you the skills you need to get back in the dating game and find the love you deserve.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Inspirational

208 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2014

About the author

Shannon Kolakowski, PsyD is a psychologist and author of "Single, Shy, and Looking For Love" and "When Depression Hurts Your Relationship." Dr. Kolakowski's articles have been published in Scientific American MIND, Business Insider, and The Huffington Post. Her work has been featured in Redbook, The New York Post, and Women's and Men's Health Magazines, as well as online at Forbes, Shape Magazine, and Good Morning America. She lives in the Sarasota area with her husband and daughter.

Reviews

[Lindsey Lawntea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a free digital ARC via NetGalley for reviewing purposes. Single, Shy, and Looking for Love is released today.

I tend to vacillate between two wild ends of the dating spectrum: "I don't really care who likes me because I can always adopt more cats and cats don't cheat on you or miss your grandfather's funeral because they were too busy getting high off catnip" and "Oh my gosh I'm going to be a cat lady and die alone and they're going to eat my corpse."

So, naturally, this book + me = match made in Heaven! After suffering from and working on generalized anxiety and depression for several years, it was wonderful to see a book that could help me focus on one of the main problems I have in relationships.

The book doesn't just single out one kind of anxiety, it handles all different types and realizes that the audience is much, much larger than the person who never leaves their house because they're afraid of social interaction. The book also focuses on how your anxiety/shyness/whatever affects your dating life, such as fear of rejection, problems with self-image, and focusing on values and goals in your romantic life. For me, meeting people isn't the problem, but rather meeting the right people and keeping a healthy relationship from spiraling into panic attack territory at the first sign that we are not identical love-twins (gross).

I HATE dating books. Correction: I HATE most dating books. But I LOVE this one. I am also so grateful that Shannon Kolakowski and her publisher made this available on NetGalley and that the edition does not expire, because I can see that this book and me are going to have a very long relationship with one another.

[Alan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am currently writing a book on a more therapeutic approach to improving dating experiences and was looking to see if this is already done.

On a general level Shannon has done what I've set out to do. It's fairly obvious that her approach is one of reducing anxiety (she does this through ACT exercises) and reaping the benefits. In my experience this is the best approach. So many books go for an approach of learning off social skils, which is disastrous, but this book doesn't do that. In fact it goes further and rightfully points out that it's got nothing to do with looks, magic words, tricks or wealth.

I was tempted to call my project off as this book says all the right things. But there are issues with it. One issue is the length devoted to defining social anxiety. It's a tough read and the exercises should be more prominent. Another more subtle one is that of 'indoctrination' - she makes tons of statements about dating that are accurate but if the reader doesn't believe them deep down they won't stick. Regardless of what therapeutic approach you try a better way is try the exercises and experiments then examine how it affects the reader - THEN you can make statements about what dating and self improvement is and isn't about. I'm not saying she could convince someone on an incel website stuck in negative thought cycles, but with someone beginning to realise PUA doesn't work they might not quite get the change in perspective they need from this book. The thing that kills me is that she probably gets it done the right way with clients in person, but somehow doesn't replicate it here.

[Hazel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt pretty ridiculous randomly picking this up at the library. But it's overall good practical lessons for anyone with anxiety or with HSP traits as well even perhaps.

Many basic common cognitive behavioural therapy techniques as well as lots of very good suggestions for reframing your mind to think about things from an objective point of view to counteract your anxiety fueled thoughts.

Interesting it pointed out avoidance and passitivity as coping mechanisms for people with anxiety.

Dayyyyyym.

[Janka H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I find this book being a high-quality guide for almost anyone (not just the shy and/or anxious people, to whom is the book addressed) fighting the uncertain field of dating and relationships.
This book is both gentle and honest (and not honest=rude, but refreshingly open without being judgmental). And I admire how masterfully the authoress uses her verbal skills - because almost everything can be said in more the one ways, and she wins in using the language of motivation and a change of perspective towards the positive goals.
This book is not just about dating (although it offers a multitude of useful tips and techniques), it goes even the longer way in showing her readers of how to build their personalities (for example to recognize what are their values in life and how to build their goals based on them) and the healthy self-esteem. The book also offers a lot of techniques on how to battle the shyness and anxiety with recognizing and incorporating them, but not buying into them - and more. The style is friendly, the book is well-structured and the content of the chapters is practically chosen to cover a lot of sensitive areas in the relationshop department and beyond.

The authoress is obviously well-educated professional with a lot of practice under her belt and it shows.

Though I am not currently looking into the relationships, the book offered me a lot of food for thought in building my personality.

This book really goes a long way. Recommended.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I entered this contest in hopes of understanding my cousin who is immensely quiet on all occasions of life. Body language is more her forte and is works quite well for her benefit. However, as her eighteenth birthday approached I saw the need for her to express herself in a verbal way for life connections and networking. This novel was the BEST thing ever for her. While the book is aimed for dating, it works through self image and knowing about oneself in order to achieve new experiences. With the oh so helpful table of contents, one can easily skip through the book or read it in order as intended. Regardless, this book is a great read for all those shy or those trying to understand the shy.

[Gabrielle Link · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really good book for shy, or not shy people. At least try it and see if it's a book for you, for me it was a good book!

[Morgan Sohl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this as a giveaway. Good information clearly presented and very helpful.

[Brenda Seefeldt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This title is true to the content. Very helpful. Very practical. Very useful.

[Nirmal Thaliath · Rating 4 out of 5]

PROs
- Well-sourced, there are a lot of scientific studies cited.
- Lots of useful exercises that can change your life, this is the true strenght of the book. Unlike most books on the topic, this book feels like self-therapy and it had (and currently has) a positive impact on my mental wellbeing.
- Very relevant and useful information for people who are shy and/or anxious in dating.

CONs
- Not the most fun read. Almost every chapter is structured this way: a small introduction, a case from the author's practice as a therapist, exercises, summary. It's straightforward and easy to digest but not fun.
- The exercises require effort and time to give results, this is not necessarily a bad thing as there are not magic bullets when it comes to dating and mental health
- The book doesn't know its own identity, it's not as detailed and extensive as a workbook or textbook and at the same time it's not a fun read like your average non-fiction book.

WHO SHOULD READ IT
This is one of the best books that is also accessible for people who struggle with shyness and anxiety in dating. I'm already feeling better after doing the exercises presented, they are the true strenght of this work.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title is a bit ridiculous which makes it a little embarrassing to be seen reading, but it has a lot of good points that help to tie in what I’ve read about managing anxiety in general to dating specifically, even if I can't necessarily relate with some parts of it (a lot of her patients seem to fear being judged or rejected by romantic partners). At the very least, it offered some validation by making me feel a little less alone in my anxiety around dating.

[Ahil Ganesan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Focus on making peace with oneself and mindfulness. But at the end of the day... it takes action. Great how the author promotes that in a compassionate and understanding way.

[ej · Rating 4 out of 5]

definitely helpful book, really helped to reframe my mindset on dating n anxiety n shyness, just illuminated the positives for me

[Alexrose · Rating 2 out of 5]

it helped me, didn't it? I don't know yet, I think I need more knowledge to feel really confident. The book was good